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Wife Files For Divorce Hoping Husband Will Fight It And Reconcile, And He's Not Sure How To Proceed

Love is a gamble...

Redditor gonewild9676 has found himself in quite the predicament. His wife had a few ideas regarding their marriage and now he's a bit perplexed, to say the least.Take a listen...

My (46m) wife (41f) recently filed for divorce after shunning me for the last year but just told a mutual friend she really doesn't want one.


I'm confused, torn, and a mess right now. We've been married for 11 years, and for the last year she has been all but shunning me. She asked for space, I've given it to her. She's had a friend with at least an emotional affair.

We've had marriage counseling that went nowhere. It seems like every olive branch I've extended to her has been shot off. I've been raising our 8 year old almost as a single father for the past year. She's been sleeping in another room and locking herself in it. She's been coming home late and pretending I don't exist. She sold her business late last year and hasn't worked a steady gig since. She has a STEM degree and experience running a business, so she can get a decent job.

Last year I was working at a toxic company and knew my job was in jeopardy. Frankly I was a nervous mess, but was hoping to finish one last project and bail, but was laid off with a nice severance. Meanwhile I've landed a new gig at a much nicer company.

Anyways, a few weeks ago she ended counseling and filed for divorce. Then last night I got a call from a friend who said she broke down and said she didn't really want it she thought I'd fight it.

I don't really want one, but if she wants out I'm not holding her hostage. She went through all kinds of abuse as a kid and I figured I triggered something and she had checked out of the marriage. I've talked to several people and they came to that decision and that she's kind of lost in life right now. Frankly if the divorce goes through she's getting the short stick in the deal. Maybe cold feet?

I'm willing to go talk with the friend and her with an open mind. What's the best way for me to navigate this? On one side I'm sick of her treatment of me. On the other side we had 10 really good years and I'd rather not split custody of our daughter. How should I handle this?

My wife has filed for divorce but told a friend she doesn't really want one. What do I do?

Don't Engage...

she didn't really want it she thought I'd fight it

You're old enough to remember "WarGames" and how it ended, yes?

The only winning move is not to play.

DFahnz

How about a nice game of chess?

Yes, I agree with this assessment as well.

I'm at the point now where I sincerely believe actions speak louder than words.

AtleastIthinkIsee

That's a hot mess honey! 

Sheesh this is a mess. First, I'd like to ask, why don't you want a divorce? I'm having a hard time seeing any compelling reason to continue living this relatively miserable existence. I'm sure your answer is a long the lines of "I still love her deeply" or "we had 10 year together that were wonderful, surely we can get back to that." Before you tell me why you want to stay, allow me to present a few points:

  • the staggering immaturity displayed by her is truly amazing. She asked for a divorce because she "wanted you to fight it/fight for her." That's so high school/college dating crap. You know the type: tells her boyfriend she's fine, he accepts it, then she gets pissed at him for not forcing her to talk/ she breaks up with guy over trivial reason, he accepts it, she gets mad he didn't fight for the relationship. Point being, it's all a test. And something a woman her age should not being doing to a long term partner, out of what I believe is complacency and boredom in your marriage.
  • she has actively avoided you and ignored you while living in the same house, and sounds like she avoided your daughter too. If for no other reason then giving your daughter a healthy upbringing where she's not actively living in the same house as a emotionally neglectful mother, you should want to get out.
  • you can't save her or make her suddenly not be lost in life. Deciding to not get divorced won't help her find herself. In fact, getting divorced and having a chance to explore who she is and life could be best for her.
  • she had at least one emotional affair on you. That should bother you considerably more. It's not like she doesn't have love to give, she just has no desire to give it to you. By all accounts, it sounds like she wasn't terribly engaged in couples therapy, which means what issues do exist, she has no desire to change. This won't change if you decide not to divorce.

As to how to navigate this when you talk, ask her why she felt the need to file for divorce if she didn't want one. If she says she wanted you to fight for her, tell her it is ridiculous and immature to "test" you after 10 years of marriage. By all accounts you did the mature thing. You accepted it as what she wanted, and wanted what she wanted. There's no excuse for her actions. Personally, if it were me, I'd deeply ponder the points above and consider what you really need. I would likely come to the conclusion that divorce is for the best, and tell her as much.

TherapistOfPentacles

The mother of your daughter has to not want that for herself. You already have a child to take care of. You can't adopt an adult too. Especially one who has proven herself perfectly capable of functioning when she wants to.

You can't read her mind. You know that she's checked out and you know that she filed for divorce. Act on what you know, not speculation. If she doesn't really want the divorce, she can use her big girl words and talk to you. Otherwise, it's time to protect yourself and your child.

DiTrastevere

Hello Dr. Phil...

Sounds like your wife had a really tough start on life, and while doing really well for the past 10 years, she may be coming apart now. But, sad as it is, you can't save her. She can only save herself, and you can only support her if she lets you, and if you feel it is something that you want to do and can do. It is important to consider your daughter too, and what is best for her in terms of the environment she grows up in and the kinds of adults and behaviour that she sees and experiences. It's not just about having both your parents in the same house, but having a safe, secure and loving environment to grow up in. The current situation sounds very unhealthy - and don't think for a moment your daughter can't see what's going on or doesn't suffer because of it. Children appear resilient because they have no choice, not because they wouldn't be breaking apart inside.

To me it seems like your wife needs individual therapy to deal with her childhood, but it can take years to process and develop healthy attachment and communication models. And it is very hard work and can be very painful, so she has to be very committed to the process.

In any case it might be best for your wife to move away for a while, as that will give everyone a bit of breathing space, and as she is struggling to be a partner and a mother, will give her a break from those responsibilities so that she can focus on herself.

Can you go to one more session with your couples therapist to discuss your options? I don't think talking to your wife and her friend will help, as the friend will only take your wife's side.

Having said that, going through with the divorce may still be the best option for everyone.

steveholtismymother

Only actions and facts matter...

Deal with facts and not wishes. Deal with the fact she's filed for divorce and act accordingly. That means preparing for all aspects, family, legal, otherwise. It doesn't matter what you've heard. Words are useless while the process is in effect. If she doesn't want to divorce then she needs to follow through and withdraw it, if that can be done. The fact she's filed already takes this past certain points of no return. Maybe you can rebuild but any life with her after this will be affected by what she's done.

sanguinare12

Personally I'd take that information as all the MORE reason to divorce because it means this must be some kind of half-assed fucked-up badly-planned brinskmanship ploy to get some specific reaction out of you. And it's not like SHE told you this to your face. (Either that or she paniced when she realised the financial implications.)

I guess you could sign up for couples counselling to try to get to the bottom of what she's actually up to, what she actually wants, but IMHO that's unlikely to work: plus as you say, she's shot herself in the foot here by shooting down all your attempts to resolve this.

TBH I think you'd be happier not married to someone who plays stupid games and makes you feel like crap.

Reddit

Carpe Diem...

No reason to live unhappy, unwanted, or unloved. Life is too short. Your 8 year old sees it as well. Keep that in mind. Do what is best for you and your child.

Bald_Man_Cometh

Right now nobody is winning...

I fully appreciate the soft spot in your heart that you have for your wife regarding her terrible childhood. I really do. That being said, there is a point for every adult who has been abused in childhood that they must recognize the damage done and learn to mitigate its effects on their adult lives. I am not saying that your wife shouldn't have difficulties based on her past, but that she has to acknowledge these obstacles and learn to deal with them as an adult that wants to thrive in spite of the trauma. You can't use her past as an excuse for her current behavior. She has to accept some responsibility and act as a partner to you and as a mother to your daughter. It doesn't sound like she's doing either of those things and that she is in dire need of intensive therapy.

I don't know that you can save her from her past if she's not willing to work on it herself. I wish you the best. ♡

Minxballs

She didn't tell you this directly so it's not really your responsibility to deal with. It's just manipulative. If she wants to improve things she could have come to you. Or gone to counseling herself. But instead she's been pretty terrible for a year.

I don't think you can trust what she told a friend as true either... She may just be trying to save face as "not the bad guy" to this person while she's the one who withdrew effort from fixing things.

Best of luck to you!

Sarissa32

You and your daughter first...

Listen, the way she treated you this last year was basically emotional and psychological abuse. Look it up. She shunned you for the entire year and had emotional affairs. The onus isn't on you to make her a well adjusted and healthy person to be a good mom and a good wife. The onus is on her to keep that shit under control.

I tell this to a lot of people as I'm involved in mental health wellness. Your responsibility isn't to fix someone with mental health issues so they can stay with you. Your responsibility is to support them. When she unilaterally decides she's going to hurt you and the family its not your responsibility to tolerate it and allow her to hurt you and your child in the process. Its your responsibility to protect that child at all costs.

If she wants out and its a bad situation let her have it. If she couldn't come to her senses a year ago and realize how badly she was hurting her child then I don't think she deserves a second or third chance from you. All that's going to happen is your child is going to end up hurt again. You don't think this last year of her mom being pretty much absent and rejecting her hasn't just destroyed her self-esteem and emotions?

Your wife went through some terrible things. Now she's doing them to your daughter. Get her out of both your lives and fight as hard as you can for majority custody. That poor little baby is suffering right now and the best thing you can do is get her mom out of the house to protect her. At least this way you can start to regain some form of normalcy around the house and work forward through all the hurt she's just gone through.

Your biggest responsibility is to protect your child. You're not doing that right now. Having a mom who is actively rejecting her in the house is a lot worse for her than a mom who isn't in the house at all.

TheNextMovement

REDDIT


People Reveal The Weirdest Thing About Themselves

Reddit user Isitjustmedownhere asked: 'Give an example; how weird are you really?'

Let's get one thing straight: no one is normal. We're all weird in our own ways, and that is actually normal.

Of course, that doesn't mean we don't all have that one strange trait or quirk that outweighs all the other weirdness we possess.

For me, it's the fact that I'm almost 30 years old, and I still have an imaginary friend. Her name is Sarah, she has red hair and green eyes, and I strongly believe that, since I lived in India when I created her and there were no actual people with red hair around, she was based on Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo.

I also didn't know the name Sarah when I created her, so that came later. I know she's not really there, hence the term 'imaginary friend,' but she's kind of always been around. We all have conversations in our heads; mine are with Sarah. She keeps me on task and efficient.

My mom thinks I'm crazy that I still have an imaginary friend, and writing about her like this makes me think I may actually be crazy, but I don't mind. As I said, we're all weird, and we all have that one trait that outweighs all the other weirdness.

Redditors know this all too well and are eager to share their weird traits.

It all started when Redditor Isitjustmedownhere asked:

"Give an example; how weird are you really?"

Monsters Under My Bed

"My bed doesn't touch any wall."

"Edit: I guess i should clarify im not rich."

– Practical_Eye_3600

"Gosh the monsters can get you from any angle then."

– bikergirlr7

"At first I thought this was a flex on how big your bedroom is, but then I realized you're just a psycho 😁"

– zenOFiniquity8

Can You See Why?

"I bought one of those super-powerful fans to dry a basement carpet. Afterwards, I realized that it can point straight up and that it would be amazing to use on myself post-shower. Now I squeegee my body with my hands, step out of the shower and get blasted by a wide jet of room-temp air. I barely use my towel at all. Wife thinks I'm weird."

– KingBooRadley

Remember

"In 1990 when I was 8 years old and bored on a field trip, I saw a black Oldsmobile Cutlass driving down the street on a hot day to where you could see that mirage like distortion from the heat on the road. I took a “snapshot” by blinking my eyes and told myself “I wonder how long I can remember this image” ….well."

– AquamarineCheetah

"Even before smartphones, I always take "snapshots" by blinking my eyes hoping I'll remember every detail so I can draw it when I get home. Unfortunately, I may have taken so much snapshots that I can no longer remember every detail I want to draw."

"Makes me think my "memory is full.""

– Reasonable-Pirate902

Same, Same

"I have eaten the same lunch every day for the past 4 years and I'm not bored yet."

– OhhGoood

"How f**king big was this lunch when you started?"

– notmyrealnam3

Not Sure Who Was Weirder

"Had a line cook that worked for us for 6 months never said much. My sous chef once told him with no context, "Baw wit da baw daw bang daw bang diggy diggy." The guy smiled, left, and never came back."

– Frostygrunt

Imagination

"I pace around my house for hours listening to music imagining that I have done all the things I simply lack the brain capacity to do, or in some really bizarre scenarios, I can really get immersed in these imaginations sometimes I don't know if this is some form of schizophrenia or what."

– RandomSharinganUser

"I do the same exact thing, sometimes for hours. When I was young it would be a ridiculous amount of time and many years later it’s sort of trickled off into almost nothing (almost). It’s weird but I just thought it’s how my brain processes sh*t."

– Kolkeia

If Only

"Even as an adult I still think that if you are in a car that goes over a cliff; and right as you are about to hit the ground if you jump up you can avoid the damage and will land safely. I know I'm wrong. You shut up. I'm not crying."

– ShotCompetition2593

Pet Food

"As a kid I would snack on my dog's Milkbones."

– drummerskillit

"Haha, I have a clear memory of myself doing this as well. I was around 3 y/o. Needless to say no one was supervising me."

– Isitjustmedownhere

"When I was younger, one of my responsibilities was to feed the pet fish every day. Instead, I would hide under the futon in the spare bedroom and eat the fish food."

– -GateKeep-

My Favorite Subject

"I'm autistic and have always had a thing for insects. My neurotypical best friend and I used to hang out at this local bar to talk to girls, back in the late 90s. One time he claimed that my tendency to circle conversations back to insects was hurting my game. The next time we went to that bar (with a few other friends), he turned and said sternly "No talking about bugs. Or space, or statistics or other bullsh*t but mainly no bugs." I felt like he was losing his mind over nothing."

"It was summer, the bar had its windows open. Our group hit it off with a group of young ladies, We were all chatting and having a good time. I was talking to one of these girls, my buddy was behind her facing away from me talking to a few other people."

"A cloudless sulphur flies in and lands on little thing that holds coasters."

"Cue Jordan Peele sweating gif."

"The girl notices my tension, and asks if I am looking at the leaf. "Actually, that's a lepidoptera called..." I looked at the back of my friend's head, he wasn't looking, "I mean a butterfly..." I poked it and it spread its wings the girl says "oh that's a BUG?!" and I still remember my friend turning around slowly to look at me with chastisement. The ONE thing he told me not to do."

"I was 21, and was completely not aware that I already had a rep for being an oddball. It got worse from there."

– Phormicidae

*Teeth Chatter*

"I bite ice cream sometimes."

RedditbOiiiiiiiiii

"That's how I am with popsicles. My wife shudders every single time."

monobarreller

Never Speak Of This

"I put ice in my milk."

– GTFOakaFOD

"You should keep that kind of thing to yourself. Even when asked."

– We-R-Doomed

"There's some disturbing sh*t in this thread, but this one takes the cake."

– RatonaMuffin

More Than Super Hearing

"I can hear the television while it's on mute."

– Tira13e

"What does it say to you, child?"

– Mama_Skip

Yikes!

"I put mustard on my omelettes."

– Deleted User

"Oh."

– NotCrustOr-filling

Evened Up

"Whenever I say a word and feel like I used a half of my mouth more than the other half, I have to even it out by saying the word again using the other half of my mouth more. If I don't do it correctly, that can go on forever until I feel it's ok."

"I do it silently so I don't creep people out."

– LesPaltaX

"That sounds like a symptom of OCD (I have it myself). Some people with OCD feel like certain actions have to be balanced (like counting or making sure physical movements are even). You should find a therapist who specializes in OCD, because they can help you."

– MoonlightKayla

I totally have the same need for things to be balanced! Guess I'm weird and a little OCD!

Close up face of a woman in bed, staring into the camera
Photo by Jen Theodore

Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.

Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?

But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.

It would be so great to be sure there is something else.

But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.

Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:

"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"

Sensations

Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy

"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."

PeachesnPain

Recovery

"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."

"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."

"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."

good_golly99

Take Me Back

"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."

"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."

rayrayrayray

Free

The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy

"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."

TooReDTooHigh

This is why I hate surgery.

You just never know.

Shocked

Giphy

"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."

Admirable_Buyer6528

The SOB

"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."

"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”

1-cupcake-at-a-time

Colors

"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"

Hannah_LL7

"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"

huntokarrr

The Fog

"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."

"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."

Fluffy-Hotel-5184

Through the Walls

"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."

"She's quite alive and well today."

Hot-Refrigerator6583

Well let's all be happy to be alive.

It seems to be all we have.

Man's waist line
Santhosh Vaithiyanathan/Unsplash

Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.

The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.

Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.

Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:

"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"

Redditors didn't see these coming.

Shiver Me Timbers

"I’m always cold now!"

– Telrom_1

"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."

– r7ndom

"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."

– mr_remy

Drawing Concern

"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."

– dee-fondy

"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"

"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."

– LizardofDeath

Unleashing Insults

"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”

"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."

– alanamablamaspama

Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight

"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."

– KeltarCentauri

"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."

– KatMagic1977

"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."

– Jaew96

These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.

Shopping

"I can buy clothes in any store I want."

– WaySavvyD

"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."

– ganache98012

No More Symptoms

"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."

– colleennicole93

Expanding Capabilities

"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."

– Ramblonius

People Change Their Tune

"How much nicer people are to you."

"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"

– LiZZygsu

"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"

"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"

– awholedamngarden

It's gonna take some getting used to.

Bones Everywhere

"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."

– Princess-Pancake-97

"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."

– bekastrange

Knee Pillow

"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."

– snic2030

"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."

– Strongbad23

More Mobility

"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."

"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."

– dma1965

People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.

But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.

That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.