A mother gets anxious when her husband tries to initiate sex, even though she's attracted to him and has no physical limitations. It seems the trauma from giving birth has affected her desire to be with her husband, despite her attraction to him.
throwawaymarriage8 asked Reddit how she can overcome her anxiety.
I feel like many of you are going to tell me I have post partum depression, but I assure you I don't. My life is great really. I have two kids, the baby has been pretty easy as far as babies go. They are drama free kids. My marriage is practically perfect, we never argue or fight. He's a great father and is super helpful. No emotional abuse or anything. He's an all around nice guy and everybody just thinks he's great. I'm attracted to him physically, he's in good shape, has good hygiene? I honestly can't think of anything to complain about, he's practically perfect. He gave me a foot rub tonight, and all I could think the whole time was that I hoped he wasn't trying to have sex with me. I don't know why, but I just don't want to have sex with him. After having a baby and everything in front of him everything is different. I get almost anxious when I think he might be trying to initiate something. I've been cleared by the doctor to have sex, I'm just not even into it. He's so great and perfect so I should be into it, but I'm just not. I feel so gross.
I want to want to do it, if that makes sense. The thought of it causes me anxiety and I don't know why.
TLDR: don't want to have sex with perfect husband. Don't know why.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Start fresh, start slow.
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I listened to a great Dan savage podcast that tackled this issue.
His advice was to take sex off the table completely, but take time to reconnect with each other as sexual adults. Massage each other, naked cuddling, whatever foreplay you're both into. The idea is that you're given the opportunity to rediscover yourself as a sexual being without feeling that something is "expected" of you by the end of it. If p.i.v sex isn't there as the necessary end result you are free to relax and get turned on naturally, which might take a few sessions.
This can come in tandem with date nights, having time to yourself to do the type of date night "rituals" like getting ready and making yourself look and feel like a desirable woman as opposed to being in "mom mode". I really wish I knew the link to the episode for you. Your husband sounds really sweet and understanding, so hopefully when you talk about this he'll be on board (after the session he can always go take care of himself, or you can both try mutual masturbation as a way to feel intimate and sexual without you having to "psych yourself up" to intercourse before you're really comfortable with it).
Hopefully, this will lead to you just being able to lose yourself in the moment - as opposed to when he gave you that foot massage and you couldn't really just take the time to enjoy his touch and affection. Instead your mind was skipping forward to what you thought might be coming next, so you couldn't really just bask in the intimacy of that moment between a husband and wife.
Be honest.
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Just give yourself time, and let him know how you feel. There's nothing to feel gross or guilty about. You just had a baby, and even though you were cleared for sex, that doesn't mean you are ready for it. Be patient with yourself.
It's normal.
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Just want to stress that this is insanely normal for new moms. If you google sex after baby, all articles will mention this.
Also talk to your SO so he knows what is going on with you and can, hopefully, be respectful.
Hormones need time to rebalance.
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You just had a baby. Your hormones are all over the place, you're still healing even if the doctor says you're cleared, and even if your second is a good baby, you're still probably sleep deprived and exhausted from taking care of two children, one of which is a newborn. If you're breastfeeding it can kill your libido too. Like completely nuke from orbit, not lessen it slightly. Just let yourself heal and try to be intimate in other ways.
Work through it as a team.
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It's perfectly natural to not want to get right back into sex. Our species wouldn't survive very long if, after we made one helpless newborn, we went out and made another new baby right after. We're biologically programmed to want a sex hiatus right after birth to focus our resources on the new baby.
That being said, communicate this with your husband. It sounds like your fear of having to turn him down for sex is making you anxious. This might develop into resentment down the road. Nip that in the bud and tackle this problem as a team.
It hasn't been that long since birth - you're tired.
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You said the baby is a pretty calm baby, but its still a baby. Your sleep is interrupted. Your hormones are screaming at you to protect this baby and not have another one, because that would take resources away from your newborn. It's not a very sexy time haha. It's been 8 weeks, you just got medically cleared for sex. Its gonna take some time to have the mental bit of sex come back.
For some, this period lasts a year.
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Trust me - nothing is wrong with you. My last 2 pregnancies I did not want to have sex for the entire 1st year post partum. My libido fell through the cracks. I made sure to talk to my husband about it and explained how it just wasn't something I wanted to do or was interested in and he was fine. In fact I am pregnant with my 3rd and on the 3rd month of pregnancy my libido died (per usual) and all is normal and well here. My husband is extremely supportive and understanding.
Just talk to your husband and let him know. It's 100% NORMAL.
Some suggested reading.
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I post this everywhere, but "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. It's a book about sexual desire with fun worksheets! And it's really helpful in understanding why things like this happen. Go read it with your husband.
Patience.
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You are probably touched out from having the baby. I felt the same way.
Give yourself some time, but also be mindful of your husband's needs as well. My husband got a lot of maintenance sex that I wasn't wholly into, but I chose that, because like you say, I wanted to want to have sex with him.
I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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