Our pets are always with us when we're at home, so they witness our most private moments. The tales they could tell if they suddenly developed the ability of human speech would be hilarious and superbly embarrassing.
Pets also tend to have a one-track mind when it comes to getting what they want, so it's also likely they'd just be asking for whatever they want at the moment.
Reddit user u/Ph0n1xstfu asked:
Pet me. Pet me. Pet me. Pet me. NO, STOP TOUCHING ME. why did you stop petting me????
Someone has a cat
"the cat food you have given me ten minutes ago went stale. I want a new batch to lick it a little bit before abandoning the bowl. On second thought, why don't you just give me ALL the treats and then I'll decide which are worth eating."
"On third thought, I'd rather just have your food. If you are eating it, it must be superior. I see that it is toast, but I should probably be eating it too."
Where are my testicles Eric?
I got my cat neutered when he was a kitten, basically as young as you could do it, and I asked the vet if he would miss his balls. She said he's probably not really aware of them yet, so I'm glad I don't have to worry about my cat having a memory of being taken to a strange place, going to sleep, and waking up with no balls.
For some reason I imagine my cat as having a Russian accent. "Human. Please pick nickname and stick to it. How should I know if you are speaking to me or to others if you call me many different things? Also, this toy is boring. Throw it so it is no longer boring."
Orange dog: OMG! Mom! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
Black dog: Hi Boss! Can you please do something about all the squirrels? I alert you to them diligently, but you don't do anything. I don't get it!
Cat: Hello, Servant. You must do something about the black dog. I slap her in the face, but she still thinks I want to play with her. Remove her from my home immediately.
'Stop calling me McChubster. My name is Bubba. Not Bubbalicious, not Bubba Bubble Butt, and definitely not Fatso McGee. Also, this diet is ridiculous. The vet doesn't know what he is talking about." For the record I adopted him a month ago, so he came fat from the ASPCA. I didn't do it to him. https://i.imgur.com/Rl0Y8LR.jpg
Cat 1; "Leave me alone"
Cat 2; "You're in my spot"
Dog; "We both know that as soon as your wife gets back, I start charging around like a lunatic for hours and nobody believes that we chill out on the sofa together and are the inseperable best of friends"
Let's play BALL! Don't you want to play BALL? BALL is the best thing ever... c'mon, BALL!
(I have a lab.)
This might just be hopeful thinking. But I would want him to say that he is happy.
We adopted him almost 2 months ago, he's missing a leg and was definitely in an abusive household before being homeless. He's very well behaved, and loves blankets. But I would really like to hear from him that we are doing enough for him, and that he's happy to stay with us.
But he would probably just ask for his blankets and his toy bear so he can take a nap :)
I've been privy to your most intimate moments and conversations for years. Now is the point in our relationship when I start blackmailing you.