When I was a child I thought Jesus was a zombie. Like a literal brain-eating zombie. I only believed it for about a week, but it stands as one of the top 3 weird things I believed as a wee-one.
I can see all of your faces in my head right now trying to process how I got from "dude on a cross" to "dude off the cross shuffling down the street looking for brains."
You: "She thought Jesus was a zombie?"
ryan reynolds GIFGiphy
My parents are both Christian ministers now, but as a child they weren't particularly religious and I spent most of my time with my grandfather, who was a Cuban immigrant and practiced Santeria. Jesus was just not a figure in my younger years.
But when the family moved to Florida from NYC my mother got very heavily into church, which meant my life went from no Jesus or any Christian stories to ALL JESUS ALL THE TIME. Seriously. Six days a week in church. Do not recommend. Overkill.
While my mother had a basis for understanding these parables and tales, I did not. I also didn't have the attention span to read the whole Bible for myself so I had to piece the story together based on the bits that my oft-wandering mind tuned in for during the many, many, way too many sermons I sat through.
Jesus was cool. Jesus got dead, but plot twist Jesus wasn't really dead. Something about drinking blood and eating bodies.
Sounds pretty zombie-ish, right?
Turns out a lot of people erroneously believed stuff for reasons that probably make no sense as an adult. But kid brains... those are magical.
Check it out.
Cheerios
GiphyThe Honey Nut Cheerios bee. No word of a lie, I thought he was real. I don't know why. Nobody told me he was real, it was just something I accepted.
When my older step-sister told me that Santa and the Tooth Fairy weren't real, I burst into tears and said, "The Cheerios bee, too?"
Happy Halloween
The candy fairy came the night of Halloween and took a candy tax. My parents would eat some and toss a lot.
We called it the switch witch and she brought a present to replace the candy.
Our parents called it the Great Pumpkin (like from Charlie Brown) that took it and gave us money in return. Then one day we asked my dad if the Great Pumpkin was coming on Halloween again and he was confused and told us it wasn't real and then we cried. When my mom got mad at him he remembered and said that he forgot that's what they called it.
- Info7245
Small Cars
I thought that small cars grew up into vans and buses were just like the elders of cars.
Crackers
I believed that goldfish crackers were individually hand crafted, I thought it was like a line of workers sculpting dough into little fish. I was disappointed when logic kicked in :(
Thanks, Volcano!
Ok so when I was a kid I was scared of dinosaurs. My dad told me they were extinct. So for a good while I believed any fictional thing that scared me (ghosts, vampires, the wicked witch) USED to exist but was taken out by a volcano.
Back To Baby
I thought that when you died of a disease, you would return to being a baby again, but if you were shot, then you would be completely dead and would never get to be a baby again.
Nipples
GiphyI assumed that grown women's nipples looked more like baby bottle tops since that's what they were supposed to be like. And that bras just compressed them back into the boob.
I Believe I Can Fly
I thought I could fly. I had a weird epiphany at 12 or 13 that I couldn't and maybe I just imagined me taking off from the parking lot and flying over the apartments I lived in when I was younger. Like I suddenly realized I couldn't fly, even though I knew I had before. The damndest memory. I still remember it to this day, floating away and flying over my apartments and coming back to land in the same parking lot. I still remember at 12 or 13 when I realized I couldn't fly and feeling like I had lost something.
Groups Of Ants
I believed that you didn't move your own body while you slept. I honestly thought little groups of ants would move your limbs around and that's why you woke up in a different position than you fell asleep. I believed that for years. Not a clue how that idea got into my head though.
- ashcon96
Adult Body
I always thought that the transition from child to adult happened randomly over night. Like you went to sleep as a kid then woke up as an adult. I feared this day because I imagined all of my clothes suddenly being way too small for me and I'd have to go to the store with a towel wrapped around me searching for clothes to buy that would fit my new adult body.
Anus Scrunchie
For some odd reason, my mother and her 2 sisters told me that in Native American tribes, when someone would pass away, other members of that tribe would cut out the ring around the dead person's anus and use it as hair scrunchie. They made it sound like they were the same stretchiness as an elastic band or something. So ridiculous!
Magical Lands
I'd believed that for each TV show/ movie/ book series etc., there was a different "land" for each of them. If you wanted to reach any of the lands, you'd need to do some random things, and you would be able to cross over into them.
Ace Ventura
GiphyI used to believe that rhinos were the male and hippos were the females. They were the same animal, but just called different names.
It wasn't until Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls came out (I would be 8 at this time). The scene where he's climbing out of the fake rhino, the lady was saying "Oh look! That mommy rhino is giving birth!" I busted up laughing and told my parents that it's so funny because that lady think the rhino is a girl, Rhinos can't be girls.
It took a few minutes of explanations and confused faces before I accepted reality and I have been thinking this my entire life until I was 8.
Fast Food Love Triangle
I believed that Burger King and Dairy Queen were married. No one told me this, I just believed it.
Also that McDonald's was named Old McDonald, like from "old McDonald had a farm." Whenever we pulled into the drive-thru I would yell, "We're at Old McDonalds!" When I was old enough to read the sign, I was very disappointed.
Stop Screaming
My parents told us that when we screamed or were really loud, it was gonna rain. We played outside a lot so we didn't want that and it helped to keep us a little more quiet. Believed that was true for waaaay too long haha.
- Roxje92
Grandma Really Committed To The Bit
The lady under the bed.
My grandmother would tell me there was a lady who would get under our bed (3 brothers on one bed). She would say that she's there to grab our arms or legs if they were to go over the sides of the bed.
It would've been all good but one night she woke us up screaming "stay away from my grandchildren." She said she caught the lady trying to grab my arm. Hell of a thing for a 6 year old to see. Grandmother yelling at the bottom of the bed in the middle of the night.
I don't believe in the lady under the bed anymore but I've never left my arms or legs dangling off the side of the bed since then.
Queenie And The Epiphany
When I was little we had a female cat that was not spayed, and she would have kittens quite regularly. Our spayed kitty was also female. All the neighbors had dogs and they were all male, so I thought that all cats were female and all dogs were male. I have no clue when I thought the female kittens would become dogs? I figured it out when our neighbors got a new puppy and they named "her" Queenie. Epiphany! (I was about 9 years old then.)
- azjoan
Knew Too Much
I watched some show about alien abductions when I was way too young and was convinced the aliens were gonna abduct me because I knew too much. Like I was somehow the only person in the world who had seen this serialized episode of a TV show.
There are rules in life where people are expected to just know how to operate without being told.
For instance, if someone falls down... help them.
When you like a sweater in a store... get money to buy it.
Just leaving with it won't go over well.
And there are more rules, or guidelines to adhere to...
Redditor christygl7 wanted to hear about what is expected in people's homes without words, so they asked:
"What's an unwritten rule in your household?"
If you have to pee... lift the seat cover.
The people in Port Authority always miss that one.
Routine
Cleaning Chores GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"Either my wife or I can do any chore when noticed. We thank each other for routine chores as we appreciate each other."
cwsjr2323
"That’s how my fiancée and I handle chores. Whoever’s around when the core needs to be done does the chore, typically. I find she does more regular cleaning of the whole apartment while I do more dishes and cooking."
radtech91
Trashed
"Replacing the trash bag IS PART OF taking out the trash."
UndiagnosedReptard
"Similar to this, in my house, the rule is if the toilet paper ended on your turn (or there’s barely enough for the next person) then it is your job to procure the next roll and put it in the bathroom. It is NOT acceptable to let it run out for the next person."
wavesnfreckles
"We have extra stored in every bathroom. I make sure of it. However, if it runs low/out on the roll, my wife will 100% of the time take the new roll and set it on top of the empty tube on the spindle, refusing to replace it. I actually called her over and shamed her into changing it in front of me the other night (not in an abusive way - we were both laughing about it)."
on_the_nightshift
Finder's Keepers
"If you find money in the laundry while you are doing the laundry, it's yours."
Rich1926
"Yep. My boyfriend learned that lesson the hard way when we first started living together. He had a bad habit of just crumpling up bills in a big wad in his pocket, usually just ones, but sometimes he accidentally leaves a twenty in there. I tipped myself the twenty. It took him a couple of days of trying to figure out where it went before I took pity on him and told him."
"He now both turns out his pockets and washes his own clothes. I still find the occasional single dollar in the dryer."
Head_Razzmatazz7174
Dropped something?
"If food is dropped on the floor it becomes the property of the dog. The dog knew this rule before we did."
Altruistic-Bit-9766
"That was one of the hardest things after our family dog died. Dropped something? Who cares! Riley will get it. But then he didn’t."
"Also, I don’t live at home anymore but coming home to him barking and crying out of excitement and greeting me always made my day and I looked forward to it every time I opened the door and could hear him wiggling in excitement on the side hahaha. It’s a little less exciting coming home now."
ohno807
Obligations...
Water Stay GIF by Kinda FunnyGiphy"If the water you take from the Brita pitcher leaves what’s left below a certain line, you are obligated to refill the pitcher on penalty of death."
halcyon3608
If you stay in my home and don't refill the Brita pitcher...
I'm setting your hair on fire at 3 AM!!!
Flushed
Go Away Pink GIF by HacklockGiphy"Check the toilet after you flush."
NANNYNEGLEY
"This. My brother-in-law never does this. It's annoying and disgusting! You don't want to clean up after yourself because you think it's gross? How do you think it makes me feel to clean up after you?"
purplestarsinthesky
WAKE UP!
"Wake someone up if their alarm goes off. It's a pretty weird one but setting up alarms is a conscious and deliberate decision for all of us and you want to wake up when it goes off, so we just help each other out."
DonMartiniMacaroni
"I'll do this a few times, but my roommate needs to learn not to hit snooze because he's taught his body that alarms don't need to be woken up to. I don't wake him up anymore. He started waking up to them."
stumblinbear
"I’ll wake them up because it annoys me when people snooze especially if I’m next to them in the bed and I don’t have to get up."
chill90ies
No Exceptions!
"Shoes off at the door. No exceptions."
Next-Dark-4975"
"Shoes-on people must not be using the same public bathrooms that I do. 100% of them have a lake of dirty urine in front of the urinal. They must also be amazing at finding two urine-free spots that are shoe-sized on the shores of said lake. It’s fine if they want to bring that into their homes. It’s not allowed in mine, though."
Bmadray
Table Manners
"No tech at the table."
"Even with a teenage daughter this has proved eerily easy; we all love food though!!"
"Also murder is out of the question, it is non-negotiable. If any of us kills another then they are outlawed in the true sense."
"Other than this, we are pretty cool."
Dante2005
Woof
Well Done Applause GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Let the dog out to go potty before you use the restroom. (Seriously, the dog is asking to go out and you think she can wait while you take a 30-minute poop first? Not cool.)"
InfiniteBackspace
Always let the dogs go first.
If you wait, you won't like the surprise they leave!
Sometimes we look at a product and think "who would buy that, and why?"
For me the "Flowbee" home haircutting tool comes to mind. If you're unfamiliar, it's a shaver you attached to your vacuum cleaner so you hair was pulled past cutting blades.
It was sold on late night infomercials in the 1990s.
Who wouldn't want to style their hair like this?
As fabulous as that looks, results did vary with most veering toward "yikes!" yet by 2000 the company reported 2 million were sold.
And *surprise* you can still buy one—for about $150.
It seems no matter how bad a product is, someone will buy it.
