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A recent Reddit thread will leave you counting your blessings that sex doesn't actually go down like a bunch of misinformed, puberty-stricken kids think.

Good God that would be horrifying.



Let's face it. Many of us did not sit down for a long conversation about sex with our parents or our teachers. So, being kids, we used rumor and imagination to fill in the gaps.

Sex education often looked a little like the following:

First, someone's older sibling lied and said something crazy about how sex works. That kid believed the comment as gospel, and went to school the next day.

A committee was then formed at a lunch table, where any finer details and plot-holes were worked out through sheer will and blind enthusiasm.

Then, through oral tradition, a new understanding of sex took the school by storm.

jjgp1112 asked, "What were weird myths you thought about sex as a kid?"

​Sheathed Until Sunrise

"I had no clue what ejaculation was in 5th grade, so I though the thing went in and stayed there for like, the whole night. 7 hours or something, then the baby appeared" -- HaroldMcbob

"I used to think the same thing! I was always confused on how you would have sex while sleeping. I assumed you just had to get lucky and roll over top your partner in your sleep" -- SpongeV2

Years of Training

"I was not aware of the vagina having an access to an inside before I hit puberty, so I thought sex was, well, anal. And that birth was basically shi**ing a baby out."

"So anytime I was having a hard time with number 2 in the bathroom, I would try to motivate myself that I'm basically practicing the pain for child birth, and that it could be so much worse."

-- maheen9393

A Scary 3 Years 

"In elementary a kid asked me if I knew what a condom was."

"I went ahead and described a nicotine patch." -- Pluckt007

"Kid asked me the same. 'No,' I said."

"'Well... It's when you cut the skin off your penis,' he said as we kids stared at a used condom in the bushes at our elementary school."

"I spent 3 years believing that I had seen discarded penis skin." -- Snatch_Liquor

Power in the Bedroom 

"Whoever tried harder would determine the gender of the baby.." -- rosenes2

"Sheesh, then I certainly hope they were in agreement on who would "win" lol. I can't stop imagining a couple battle f***ing to the death." -- PumpkinPox

"Charles Darwin would be proud." -- Kennyboy_7

So Quaint

"My sister thinks sex is two people laying naked on top of each other and talking about marriage" -- satansgoldfish2222

"Depending on her age that's either really cute or really disturbing" -- zoe_2703

"the two sat there and layed naked on top of each other"

"Him: now that we are finally here on top of each other, what kind of house do you think would be nice? Her: oh I don't know, a townhouse seems nice" -- tastelessryan

Gushing 

"That you just put your di** inside a woman and then the sperm starts flowing continuously, like pee."

"Oh and that you actually have to push the sperm out yourself, like pee. You learn to do that when you get old enough."

-- minigopher

Biblical Mechanisms 

"I thought you literally could not have sex before marriage. It couldn't happen. The vagina would reject the penis like water and oil." -- ImInJeopardy

"I din't think this but I thought you could only get a girl pregnant if you were married."

"Little did I know, I was born a good 8 months before my parents got married!" -- jjgp1112

Utterly Grotesque 

"I thought sperm were the size of tadpoles."

"I thought they shot out and filled up the condom like a water balloon and you would be able to see and hear them slithering and wriggling around."

"Needless to say I was scared of sexual maturity for a while."

-- FractitiousBetaMale

The Warmest Condom Ever 

"I heard about sheepskin or lambskin condoms when I was a kid and for some reason imagined a guy wrapping one of my rabbit pelts around his member and trying to get that into a woman."

"Never occurred to me they'd just use the skin and not the whole hide."

-- BobaFettuccine

A Major Miscalculation

"I always thought homosexual meant that you like to have sex at home. I was trying to sound cool at summer camp when I was around 12 so I told everyone I was homosexual."

"All of the girls started hanging out with me and I thought all the guys were avoiding me because they were jealous."

"Realized my mistake later in the summer and never went back to that camp or talked to anyone there again."

Many blessings

One of my best friends growing up was Mormon. Luckily she had enough sexual education to understand how babies were made. She did, however, tell me about a distant cousin of hers who was so sheltered that she had absolutely no concept that sex existed at all. She and her husband both had no idea how to make babies. They thought married couples just had to pray to God to get pregnant, and they had no idea they were supposed to physically do anything.

They never had sex. After a year of "trying" (the prayer thing) they asked their bishop for spiritual guidance and what they were doing wrong, why God would not bless them with a child... And the bishop then had a very awkward sex talk with these adult people. Imagine, after a year of marriage, finding out from your bishop that you were supposed to be putting your WHAT in her WHAT!?!

floatingwithobrien

Food baby

I thought eating a lot of food until you got fat got you pregnant, this was reinforced when people said they have a 'food baby'.

SolomonKhalifa

Kiss 


Thought that babies were made by the kiss at the wedding. As in, you may kiss the bride, boom, pregnant. Also thought that you weren't allowed to kiss until marriage and this was why.

_spaceman_spliff

Butt what?

My friend told me when we were 7 that having sex was touching buts with a girl. Accidentally touched buts with a girl in the pool later and thought I had had sex. Took me a few years to figure it out.

J_avenue_

Blushing


I saw the episode of Seinfeld where George wanted to have makeup sex. I thought they meant makeup as in the beauty products you put on your face. When he was struggling to open the condom, I thought it was the pack of foundation he couldn't open. So nine year old me thought that people smeared makeup all over each other during sex.

fastfood12

Time table

My parents had six kids, all of us almost exactly two years apart. The logical 10yo me deduced that my parents had sex once - on their wedding night - and then the babies just started coming every two years.

ClimbAndRunAndStuff

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