Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.
Here were some of the answers.
I Didn't Want ThisGiphy
Kind of in the same category - I've had a lot of younger male potential clients come in for divorce consults with their mother. Then, during the consult, the mother does 98% of the talking, and it's clear who actually wants the divorce. (I'll usually escort Mom to wait in the lobby while I talk to the son directly, and most of the time he's just there to appease his mother.)
On a related note, I once had just the mother call for a consult because she said explicitly she wanted her son to get a divorce. I politely informed her that's not how divorces worked...
All This For The Plants
My aunt was dating an unemployed dude for a while. He was staying in her house rent free. They got married and were getting ready to go on the honeymoon when the new husband tells her he's not going because he has to take care of his plants at the house. Big fight. Aunt goes on the honeymoon with her sisters instead.
She comes home and tries to kick him out of her house, he refuses to leave. She tries to get the police involved. Dude is live-streaming on Facebook how he is being trapped in his own home. Police tell my aunt there is basically nothing they can do, can file for eviction after a divorce. Dude gets to live in her house with his precious plants for like 3 months until everything legally gets worked out.
A Cat Of A Time
Paralegal. A couple got divorced over a cat. Wife called cat Snowball because of white fur and only wanted the cat to eat wet food or chicken breast. Husband called cat Lily again because of white fur and believed it should only eat dry food. These two argued for a year over custody of the cat but did not care about their human kids aged 15 months, 4 years, and 6 years old.
The End Of An Era
My 90 year old client (the husband) and his son retained me to initiate divorce proceedings with his 88 year old wife. They'd been married 60 years. The wife had recently taken to beating him with his own cane, because their daughter poisoned her into thinking he was hiding money from them. The battle came down to husband and son versus wife and daughter.
At their first court appearance, my client showed up in an old 1950s style pin stripe suit and fedora. He was a farmer his whole life, and this was clearly the only suit he owned. He was such a meek and lovely old gentleman.
I had to pass my client onto a new lawyer midway through the proceedings because I accepted a job in a different country, but I understand the divorce was eventually granted.
A Hose By Any Other Name
My aunt had a case where the wife had glued all of the outdoor hoses together so he wouldn't spend more time washing his vehicle anymore. When the glue didn't work she just cut them all up. When he bought new ones she filed for divorce.
My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for 2 reasons:
- He did not have enough hair on his chest.
- He did not drive fast enough.
Keep in mind this was in the 70's when chest hair was a bit more important.
I knew a guy from a high school job who divorced his wife of 2 months because she would sleep with a nightlight but he could only sleep in total darkness, as they apparently never lived together until after getting married. He hated her nightlight so much that he would often sleep on the couch instead, but sometimes he would claim the bed for himself and lock her out of the bedroom for the night.
This was an eccentric late 40s man working at a burger king who acted like all the other high school coworkers were his best chums, and often told us these weird stories. I'm glad I don't work with him anymore.
It Might Be You Who's The Devil
Failed exorcisms. Client had an inner ear condition that caused chronic vertigo, but symptoms could be treated with medication. Husband was an evangelical who was convinced his wife 1) had become possessed and that her vertigo and general crankiness with his methods were evidence of demonic possession, 2) the medications she was taking was enabling the devil to hide inside her, and 3) the only proper recourse was exorcism. He would hide her meds until she got dizzy and then try various methods of exorcism. This included:
Sweating it out (put under blankets while incapacitated and locked in a room full of space heater)
Freezing it out (pretty much the reverse with AC, fans, and bags of ice)
Surprising it out (he would jump out and scare her like it was the hiccups, but instead of yelling 'Boo!' he would recite the Lord's Prayer or Psalms)
The final straw was that he tried to 'surprise it out of her' by pushing her down the stairs when they were heading out for dinner.
Note: this guy was some type of executive and they still went out to dinner after the stairs incident. She asked for the divorce at an Applebee's that night. I have often tried to picture that conversation, as she was adamant that he was a total sweetheart and never acted out of malice or anger.
Wasn't the reason but did happen during the course of the divorce. Neither side would follow the court orders. When they had to go back to court they were fighting over a pistol and the man's grandmother's bowls. I assumed for weeks that these bowls were some sort of heirloom or expensive china. When they finally brought the bowls in to swap they were tupperware.
Not me, but a friend my mum has divorced her husband because his mother still coddled him at age 40, with his consent. They lived with his mother (common in Asia).
By coddle I mean that she would walk straight into their room after his shower and powder his back for him.
They couldn't lock their bedroom door because his mother would come in as and when she wanted. If they locked the door, she would knock repeatedly asking what they were doing.
Lol what would they be possibly doing??? Playing poker???