
Image by SplitShire from Pixabay |
I can't wait to get married; mostly because I love a good party. I also the love the festivities and joy, the open bar and the high drama.
Oh my the things I have seen at a wedding. I can't tell you how many times a friend and I have said... "I thought crap like this only happened in the movies?"
There really are some couples who you know are going to last forever and a day.
And then there are those unions when you are even more sure, are going to be a disaster from start to finish. I'd say it's all a 70/30 split... in the disaster direction.
Cheers to love. And let's get smarter about I do's people.
Redditoru/Olya_roowanted to hear all the deets about the times many of us have attended weddings when we knew the pair saying "I Do" wasn't meant for forever, by asking:
What wedding moment made you think: "They are not going to last long"?
I once attended a friend's wedding, that was held in a pool hall. The maid of honor wore a dress that advertised Tommy Hilfiger. And the priest was drunk, as was the uncle who's "eloquent" speech went as such:
"So and So and so and so. Good luck. You're idiots. I give it less than a year!"
Packed Up
"He ended up at the emergency room between the ceremony and the reception."
"He went out out the night night before with his sister and friends and got plastered. They had to hold a cold pack to the back of his neck to keep him vertical during the wedding photos. Marriage lasted 30 days until they had a fight, she left the house and he filled the U-Haul truck with everything but her clothes."
So Extra...
"I'M WITNESSING ONE FROM THE SIDELINES NOW!!!"
"My wife's brother just got married this past May. Bride's mother is a big DIY person and went a little nuts with extra flowers, table pieces, decorations, etc… Note I said extra, it was already decorated by the venue, she just took it upon herself to buy and add way more stuff."
"Anyway, a few weeks ago she sends my MIL (grooms mom) and email with receipts of all the extra stuff she bought ($7,000 worth!!! ) and asked that she pay half since it was technically set up in time for the rehearsal dinner for guests to enjoy. It's causing a huge rift between the newlyweds since the bride is taking her moms side."
All the Drama...
"My wife got invited to a client's daughter's wedding. The couple were both drama students. Many of the bridal party were drama students. The maid-of-honour's toast consisted of tearful declarations of unrequited love to the groom, along the lines of 'if it couldn't be me, I'm glad it's my best friend that's marrying you'. The best-man's speech was a lusty declaration of "if it doesn't work out, call me, babe... like the previous time you called me."
"Other toasts were similarly weird. A guy at the table I was seated at was a friend of the bride and said to me that he was 'this close' to standing up during the 'speak now or forever hold your peace' thing. I'm still not sure if the whole thing was a bunch of emotionally messed-up 20-year-olds, or one big piece of performance art."
7 months...
"I was maid of honour. Me, best man and the couple went into a separate little room to do the signing stuff. Bride excused herself to go the bathroom and the groom started making pretty mean remarks about her cooking (which she's passionate about) to the officiant."
"She came back, heard they were talking about cooking family meals together and gave him the warmest smile, thinking he had praised her. He scoffed awkwardly and changed the topic. That always stuck with me. He wasn't laughing WITH her but AT her, behind her back. They lasted 7 months."
But Before...
"Wedding videographer here, I think my favorite moment was when I was sitting at the miscellaneous table with all the randoms and the girl next to me, the grooms ex, drunkenly admitted to sleeping with the groom a few months prior."
The joke was on the uncle. They lasted twenty years. They have four kids they can't afford, and are now remarried to people with police records. So what if they publicly share on Facebook their mutual hatred and and their regret of every wasted second of twenty years. They still lasted for a bit.
Hello?
"I was at a wedding when a phone went off during the ceremony. In the middle of exchanging vows. It was the groom's. He took the call. They are divorced now. I believe it was a cousin calling, to ask if they were late for the wedding."
People Who Made A Lot Of Money From Something Totally Random | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
The Witness
"I was at a wedding. I was a plus one for my date. The bride sat down drunk at our table and started talking to us. She then told me that she slept with her ex right before walking down the aisle. She screwed her ex in her wedding dress in the bridal suite. She then downed the last of my drink and went off to the dance floor. I was left speechless. I didn't know anyone but my date. Less than a year later the bride and groom were divorced."
"what did I do?"
"One of my friends got married, afterwards she looked at me, crying, and said "what did I do?" They were separated by the time the plane landed from their honeymoon. He was a good guy, she was a mess. The beta fish in the flower centerpieces lasted longer than the marriage."
- Boosully
See Ya...
"The bachelor party and the Bachelorette party were in Vegas at the same time. Across the hall from each other. The bride and groom got in a huge fight on the last night of the trip and when I was leaving I said "I'll see you guys at the wedding" to the groom and he replied "I'm not sure there's gonna be one." There was a wedding, but they were divorced within 18 months I believe."
Slow Dance
"A fun light-hearted dance with the groom followed by a close and slow dance with her male best friend."
- codyish
Picture Takers
"As a wedding photographer I have been to more than my share of weddings.
- It was a REAL shotgun wedding. Dad didn't realize it would not stand up in court. Only time the groom was more excited to have photos than the bride.
- She wanted a limo, he thought a hearse would be better and kept doing Lurch impressions. From the Addams family.
- Don't know what happened... Sat down with bride and groom, filling out the contract. Got the deposit. He stood up, said forget it, and walked out. 2 months later I get told the wedding is off, 3 months later she calls to rebook, different groom. Day of the wedding I am at the church... Got the final payment the week before... No one shows... No one, just me and the DJ." - TexasTiger70
"uh, yeah, okay, yeah I do"
"She told me two days before that she found her fiancé annoying and that she didn't like him and that he was AWFUL in bed. She was visibly, endlessly uncomfortable at the rehearsal wedding/dinner combo. Then she sobbed the ENTIRE morning, day-of."
"She ended up not getting any makeup done cause she wouldn't stop scream-sobbing and refused to get dressed, stalling the wedding ~35 minutes. She then said 45 minutes of "vows" that she had prepared (9 pages of things like inappropriate vows to friends and family, his parents and sisters, none of them her husband), and then ALMOST didn't say "I do."
"Managed to get a, "uh, yeah, okay, yeah I do" out of her almost a full 60 seconds after she was supposed to say anything. I could go on for HOURS, but it was the most painful and awkward wedding I've ever been to. I've got my money on 10 months. We're 1 month in."
- brbdead
"I promise to love you"
"I've got two:"
"One of my good friends got married and I'd never met her before the wedding because "she's just shy." On the wedding day, she was belligerently drunk before the ceremony even started and couldn't even get through the lines she was supposed to repeat (i.e. "I promise to love you"). She ended up slapping the groom, spilling champagne on her dress, and then crying under a table while he tried to comfort her. They lasted about 4 months."
"Another one was my wife's friend. She's a very conservative, religious white girl who married a black man. Most of her racist family didn't approve of the marriage and didn't show up. But she planned the whole marriage around race. Like a vanilla cake for her and a chocolate cake for him, the wedding colors were black and white, and even the meals were white meat for her side and dark meat for his. It was extremely uncomfortable as a guest. They lasted 2 years."
Maybe choose rum?
"When the bride drank vodka out of a pint glass and spent a significant amount of time making out with another guy on the dance floor."
- csdirty
Insanity
"My uncle when he broke his neck trying to breakdance on his stag do, He went down the aisle in a wheelchair. She divorced shortly after. He can walk again now but because of his surgery he cannot turn his neck. One of my go to stories because it's freaking insane."
being happy... for me...
"My brother's ex-wife. Throughout the exchange of vows, she was looking at everyone but my brother, making sure all eyes were on her. Later, she instructed the photographer (a family friend who was cheap) to "mingle" and get shots of people "being happy."
"Within 10 minutes, she'd summoned the photographer back shouting, "Whose wedding is this?! I meant get shots of people being happy for me." They broke up when she cheated on him. Apparently, that marriage she was desperate for was only good while it brought her attention."
- Stormaen
School Love
"When they got married illegally in high school. Two 16 year olds from different states who had to lie on their certificate to get approved by the state. It was annulled when the father of the groom found out."
2 Left Feet
"Prior to my wedding I'd asked my husband to practice dancing with me because I'm uncoordinated, due to a disability. He blew me off and said we'd be fine. As we were dancing, he spoke in my ear, not even quietly. "What are you doing? What's wrong with you? You're embarrassing me!!" We lasted 2 years. Leaving was the best decision I ever made."
Knockout
"When the groom ran up and punched the bride during the reception in some kind of drunken melee."
Marriage is way to expensive to be a mistake. So think it all through very carefully. And put your heart aside and lead with your mind when friends are warning you about red flags. If red flags start adding up... wave them high as you run, down the other end of the aisle.
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We're all adults who are totally mature and don't, at all, giggle a little bit on the inside when someone talks about what conditions are like on Uranus.
Yeah just kidding, that's hilarious.
Uranus is our favorite heavenly body.
Reddit user rsideoson asked:
"What is a word that sounds inappropriate?"
Don't worry, Reddit is absolutely no more mature than we are and we all deserve a childish giggle every now and then.
Throat Thingy
"Uvula (dangly bit in your throat)"
- prettysouthernchick
"Ooohhh, so it's a girl house"
- Lusty_Argonian_Man
" 'All god's children got a uvula!'."
- theoldroadhog
"In Swedish it is called gomspene whick translates to pallet teet."
- nemeras
"That little dangly thing that’s hanging in the back of their throat?"
- Admirable-Door1724
A What Hole ?
"Manhole"
- NightOnFuckMountain
"Our city has had several instances of exploding manholes in the downtown area. My friends never let an opportunity to make such comments pass them by. (And I love them for it!)"
- Needspoons
"Played some drawing game once where you'd draw the word u get by the game and others would try guess it...my friend got that word and drew a .. manhole..like.. a literal manhole not the actual one, and that was when i learned that word lol"
- chaexhun
Chew Works Too
"Masticate"
- HoopOnPoop
"Especially at the dinner table.."
- BassWingerC-137
"Those mukbangers masticate all over the place"
- imccompany
"This is the winner."
- the_pointy
"Do you oppose public mastication?"
- Cy41995
Lets Just Not Use It Anymore
"This is not a fun or funny example, but, 'niggardly'."
"Etymologically, it has absolutely nothing to do with that other word. They have totally different origins, and sound/look similar purely as a matter of coincidence."
"But it's just not worth the explanation when "stingy" or 'miserly" work just as well, so it's basically a dead word."
- rejectednocomments
"Even the Reverend Jesse Jackson defended the use of this word."
"Also, TIL he's still alive."
- AtTheLeftThere
"I remember being a preteen and stepdad using this word. I was horrified. He was mildly racist so I wasn’t too surprised but we were in public. 'Dad!!!! There’s a black woman right there!!!'."
"He explained what it meant but I sure never ever used that word."
- baxbooch
"Yeah this word is gone forever. There is no way of tossing that out in casual conversation ever again, and even if you did you'd have to spend a good few minutes defending what you meant and looking it up to prove it."
- coombuyah26
Playing Around With Speed
"Fartlek."
"It's a running term and as a grown man I still giggle when I hear it."
- PreppyFinanceNerd
"Wait is that how it’s spelled? I always thought it was Fartlick lol"
- Hydra57
"You guys use that? It's Norwegian, meaning speed game."
- Cheetah_Hungry
"Fartlek’s were misery in high school XC. Always just called it a fart lick"
- silverhammer96
Fortunella Sounds Fancier
"Kumquat"
- blaketyner
"You rang?"
- Sour_Kumquat
"Got banned from a forum for calling someone a kumquat. No regrets."
- eclecticsed
"The restaurant I worked at had a kumquat margarita and for a good 2 weeks the menu accidentally had cumquat, but each time the manager tried to fix it they’d accidentally print the wrong on again and there’d be too many copies to just throw out."
- silverhammer96
"That's a good one"
- TheKalebPerkins
The 'L' Is Important
"Caulk"
- HiakaiSiempre
"This may only be true in American English...in other accents it's much less suggestive"
- Tel-aran-rhiod
"Hehe caulk"
- MrsFlubberbuns96
"Don't wanna wait forever for that caulk to harden"
- Brilliant_Succotash1
"I used to work for a construction company doing purchasing and apparently in the winter caulk gets cold and refuses to work so you need to put your caulk in a caulk warmer"
- nmw6
"My brother insists on over enunciating the L so it sounds like. Cow-LK"
- jawshoeaw
You Sure About This One?
"Jiggers, also known as the chigoe flea. Similarly, chiggers, also known as berry bugs."
- ArmoredArmadillo05
"Jigger is also the little double-ended cup bartenders use for measuring alcohol for cocktails."
- PromptCritical725
"I was looking for these two."
- kazeespada
" 'Jigger' is used every day by Australian surveyors. It’s what we call our theodolites or Total Stations. Short for thingamajigger perhaps. If my mate’s jigger wasn’t cooperating, he’d say 'jigger please'.”
- rawker86
"What’s my motherf*cking name?"
- GeezRick
So Many Botanical Puns
"Clematis"
- bl0ckplane
"One summer day at a barbecue at my mum in laws, she walked outside and announced “wait til you see the size of the flower on my clematis” I snort inhaled my wine"
- Hatchetface1705
"I think they can cure that with a penicillin shot/s"
- 51225
"Another botanical word that makes me giggle:"
"Peonies"
- RunningFromSatan
"Scabiosa. Or, as the Brits would say, scabious."
- Tacoma__Crow
This Is Another One We Should Maybe Not Use
"Negus. It means a hot drink of port, sugar, lemon, and spices, and it's a royal title."
- JustPlay94_cryer
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
- YubNub81
"Doesn't it also refer to an Ethiopian king?"
- Dbwasson
"Negan in Roman times."
" 'I am Negus! Thou shalt provide me with copious produce!'."
- imjb87
You heard (and laughed at) Reddits appropriately inappropriate words, now it's your turn to get in on the fun.
As much as people try to put on a good face in public, many of them have idiosyncratic behavior–like involuntary foot-tapping–they are ashamed of having.
Some folks, however, are not as self-aware.
These individuals could care less about other people and they act like the world is their nasty, unkempt, malodorous, living room.
Curious to hear examples of gross behavior, Redditor Dazzling_Age_4795 asked:
"What's the most disgusting bad habit?"
No one wants to see it, yet, here we are.
Leaving Evidence
"Taking a dump and then not flushing in public toilets."
– dynotrek
Splatterers
"I work in reception in a dental office, our Covid protocols included having wipe down the bathroom after each person. The amount of pee I’ve had to wipe off the seat and floor is absolutely disgusting. People are pigs- wipe the damn seat if your aim is that awful!!! They knew too, the intense stare down I gave them when exiting the bathroom, oh they knew."
–Reign_City
Lazy Pet Owners
"Dog poop ( living in holland ) drives me crazy how much is just lying around. Disguisting habit for dog owners to just not care to clean it up. Which is in fact mandatory but hey... if no one sees it, its not a crime."
– Syfodias
Turd Bombs
"People who don’t pick up their dog’s poop don’t deserve to have a dog. I also hate seeing bags of dog sh*t left on the ground. Like why bag it and just leave it there? It’s actually better for the environment if you don’t put it in the bag, lazy."
– lydviciousss
The Gross Collection
"Keeping your booger wall in plain sight where guests can see it."
– twodamntall
Orifice Buffet
"I once saw a person picking their ear and eating the wax. That sh*ts even worse then picking and eating out of your nose."
– Ddaveeh
Those without any concept of having respect for their environment are very telling of the type of person they are.
Trashing The Place
"littering."
– yParticle
"Those folk who buy cigarettes and casually walk around unwrapping and dropping plastic as they go... God I hate those guys."
– bishopsfinger
Driving Smokers Suck
"People smoking while driving seem to almost always throw their cigarette butt out the window without a care in the world."
–BridgeFantastic6458
And those who don't have any respect for others in public got majorly slammed.
Open Forum
"Not sure if it's a 'habit', per se, but those people that have their phones on speaker ALL THE WAY UP casually talking on the train, in the grocery store, and in restaurants. I do not want to hear about your mother's bunion."
– Pattimash
Hush, Please
"Dude for real. I go to the library every once in a while for some quiet time.. the number of people who talk on their phone is ridiculous. Half the time if you go up to them and ask if they could be quieter or take it to the lobby they act like you're the rude one."
–StupidGuy6969
Clogging The Shower
"Taking a sh*t in the shower and pushing it into the drain... I knew people who did that, safe to say I don't anymore."
– Chipmunk654
A Crappy Confession
"I’ve got to be honest, I farted once and a nugget, maybe the size of a pickled onion, fell out whilst I was taking a shower. As the particular bathroom I was in had the toilet in a separate room I decided the safest option for me was to squish the turd into the drain with my foot."
"I’m not proud but sometimes it has to be done."
"For clarity, I do not condone purposely dropping a full sh*t in the shower."
– User Deleted
Germy COVID Hands
"Not washing hands after using the bathroom, especially in public. Like at a restaurant."
– enigmaroboto
Look, I know we all have our quirks, but I'm just not a nail-chewing and booger-flicking stan.
It's not like people with these habits are deliberately trying to inconvenience my life. But...they are.
I don't need to be stepping on nail remnants and dried-up balls of nose mucus with my barefeet.
So, what gross habits and/or behavior really gets your blood boiling?
People have different levels of tolerance when it comes to profanity.
And some people can't stand the sound of rude or vulgar language so much that they can't bring themselves to say these naughty words themselves.
But when anyone reaches a high level of anger or frustration, they still might need a verbal outlet.
And instead find themselves coming up with an alternative word, which helps them release their anger, but won't offend any nearby ears.
Redditor No-Citron5628 was curious to hear people's favorite alternatives to curse words, leading them to ask:
"What is your best swear word alternative?"
Intergalactic profanity!
"Oh neptune."- StrappinYoungZiltoid
The last thing you want to find in your bed!
"Crumbs."- ThatsHisEagerFace44
Instead of rude, be educational!
“'Safety Hazard!'”
"I said this instead of… other words once when I tripped and accidentally taught this to my nephew."
"Now my sister sends me videos of my nephew saying it when things don’t go his way."- YellowForest4
Think of the children!
"Not sure of an actual word, but my bf and I have been trying to limit cursing since my toddler is becoming very verbal."
"He’s resorted to making very angry yelling caveman sounds when he wants to curse someone out rather than using the actual words."- Present-Lime-1244
With gravy?
"Biscuits!"- blargney
We can always learn a thing or two from the kids...
"A child in my class tries to swear but unintentionally says foot instead of f*ck."
"It's probably my favorite alternative."
"Wow, didn't expect this to get so much attention."
"Thank you for the award! "
"For those asking, he is a very tiny child with a deep yorkshire accent who actually picked up the word from another child but hasn't noticed he doesn't have the pronunciation quite right yet."
"Context wise though he's bang on which makes it even funnier."- sophishx
Just one word won't do!
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, LARRY?!"
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS?!"- KevinBillyStinkwater
Be mindful, it could backfire
"When my son was little he started saying bastard so I kept saying custard."
"Until the day he complained that we were having bananas and bastard again."- CheeryShortarse
Mother knows best.
"My mother always said, 'Curses!'"
"We, the kids, laugh about it all the time."- tenzip10-0
If you feel like you've sufficiently got your anger or frustration out of your system, your choice of words served their purpose.
Whether or not they would have to be bleeped out on network TV.
When we think of iconic movie quotes, there are several which come instantly to mind.
"Here's looking at you, kid."
"Love is never having to say you're sorry."
"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."
Appropriately, the ones that might haunt us the most, are those delivered by villains, who linger in our memories not only by their creepy attire and presence but by their devious choice of words.
Frightening us long after the credits stop rolling.
Redditor N_the_character was eager to hear what the Reddit community considered the best quotes from both Hollywood's legendary villains, as well as some lesser-known antagonists from film, TV, and video games, leading them to ask:
"What's the most bada** villain quote?"
Benedict from Last Action Hero
"Benedict to youg Danny in 'Last Action Hero':"
"I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you."- S-Markt
Donquixote Doflamingo
"Pirates are evil?"
"The Marines are righteous?"
"These terms have always changed throughout the course of history!"
"Kids who have never seen peace and kids who have never seen war have different values!"
"Those who stand at the top determine what's wrong and what's right!"
"This very place is neutral ground!"
"Justice will prevail, you say?"
"But of course it will!"
"Whoever wins this war becomes justice!"- TimeisaLie
The Man with the Midas Touch...
"Goldfinger after Bond says 'Do you expect me to talk?'
"'No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die'."- Hunk_Studly
The Last Airbender's Azula
"Dai Li: 'You've beaten me at my own game'."
"Azula: 'Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player'."- herculesmeowlligan
Inigo Montoya, watch out!
"'Good Heavens, are you still trying to win?'"
"-the six fingered man."
Video game villains shouldn't be forgotten, ask Ghaul
“'You are not brave, you’ve merely forgotten the fear of death'."
"'Allow me to reacquaint you'.”- KentuckyBourbon94
The Good, the Bad, and the one-liners
"'When you have to shoot, shoot'."
"'Don't talk'."
"Tuco, 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'."- jpablo680
Whiterose of Mr. Robot
“'Because Phillip, I had to ask you twice'.”- Lontano64
The final frontier indeed...
"'A true victory is to make your enemy see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place'."
"'To force them to acknowledge your greatness'."
"Gul Dukat, Deep Space Nine."- hamdingers
A true villain will have you quaking in your boots with just one look.
But it's with their words that they really get you.
And how they instantly go from being merely villains, to legends.