Parenting is an arduous, often thankless job.
If it's not something you ever really wanted, or even if it is, you have to be careful.
Toxic parents create toxic people.
And that is born from a lot of unresolved trauma.
RedditorGemJoltik34wanted to spread the word on the ways we can recognize toxic parenting.
"What is a sign of toxic parenting?"
I know I wasn't built for parenting. That's ok. It's just not for me.
Know it All
Knowing Cedric The Entertainer GIF by CBSGiphy"Always believing they're right because they're the adult and therefore not letting the child have any say."
rhi_x
Not Bad
"If you feel like you can't be open and honest with them, even over things that are not bad."
keiome
"I can’t remember the last time I was deeply honest about my feelings or things I was struggling with. Somehow they always either 1. find a way to use it against me or 2. they find a way to blame it on things that are unrelated when in the end, it’s usually their crappy way of parenting."
"This is mainly about my mom. But in my dads case, he is emotionally cut off. He doesn’t express himself like ever. My mom is the complete opposite."
tequila-la
Standards
"Being unable to apologize, setting and enforcing standards they themselves don't follow."
19whale96
"When I tell my parents about something I feel like they should apologize my dad listens to me, if he disagrees with what I said he tells me why and if he thinks that my reasoning is correct he says 'you're right, I'm sorry,' my mom yells at me, cries, 'you're talking back, I would've never done that to my mother.' Guess who I have a better relationship with."
Confident-Thanks-143
Feelings
"When they constantly invalidate your feelings."
Hot_Comfortable_6373
"This one in a huge way… my feelings were never validated. Every time I cried it was 'stop the crocodile tears, you’re just looking for attention.' Every time I was mad 'you don’t have real reasons to be upset.' Hell, even when I was physically hurt it’d usually be something like 'rub some dirt on it.'"
Garden_Circus
Lessons
frank costanza seinfeld GIF by HULUGiphy"Never actually teaching your kids anything, just criticizing, 'I told you so' and 'because I said so.'"
eveningspliff
"This was my life just about every day until I moved out. My parents expected me to know things and got pissed when I did something wrong."
playingitloud
People should be required to take parenting classes. Seriously...
Mental Space
Doctor Help GIF by Apple TV+Giphy"Parents not understanding kids have bad days too. They may not have a bad day like an adult would, but to their little minds they can get just as overwhelmed as we can mentally."
minimomma1989
Learning Bad
"Not being allowed to make mistakes and constantly being shouted at for them."
sami2503
"My significant other has legit PTSD from not meeting his parents standards and being yelled at and screamed for it. Apparently if he didn't clean to their standards they would trash the room and make him start all over again instead of just getting the parts he missed."
YoHeadAsplode
I Feel It
"Treating kids like they aren't supposed to have emotions."
Bee0099
"Damn... felt this one. My mom was this way and reacted with anger anytime I tried to talk to her about my feelings, whether it be something she did to me that traumatized me or just something that upset me during the day."
"Then had an ex who did the exact same thing (not relevant to parenting but yeah). So the treatment I received from my mom and ex made me put up a wall around my emotions. Completely ruined my recent marriage. Just hope my son always knows he can talk about his feelings around me."
leebron-jahamez69
Expectations
"The 'I guess I’m just a bad parent' line."
HoneyOaksTree
"Or 'Well, I wasn't perfect,' or 'I don't think I ever claimed to be perfect,' or 'I know I was not a perfect parent,' always with the implication that the only reason their offspring have a problem with them is due to their expectations of perfection, and therefore, the problem is with the child and their unrealistic expectations."
LeisurelyLoner
Just say it!
Sorry Pop Tv GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy"Never apologizing. Own up to your mistakes!"
bellum1
"Seriously. Like my mom will give a somewhat apology, it'll be along the lines of 'I was in the right, but maybe I shouldn't have blown up and overreacted like I did.' Like sometimes she's right with that but other times she's just trying to only take partial blame."
berrys_a_ghost
Grownish
"Refusing to let them grow up. My Mom did this with me and I see it in kids I babysit. It’s one thing to enjoy the occasional sick cuddles. It’s another thing to keep them in diapers because you don’t want your baby to grow up."
Paciem
"My parent still asks 'Do you need to go potty?' In freaking public and I graduated high school and sometimes people I know are around and I'm even more afraid of leaving the house now."
Z3e24c123
"Trying to restrict my drivers license, not allowing me a job, and trying to limit my money intake so I won’t have enough money to move out. I always have the military as a back up option but man I don’t want to have to choose between living with my mother and potential death."
EmptySeesaw
Okay... So?
"Parents who press their personal beliefs and practices upon their children. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to wear dresses all the time. So what? Maybe your son doesn't want to be the doctor that you weren't able to be. Okay... So? For example, my parents are very religious and everything would be about religion and honoring God."
"Yet, the ironic thing is, that my parents are extremely abusive- physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Don't force beliefs upon your children. Widen their perspective. Show them what's out there. And let them make their own decisions. Don't yell at them or hurt them if they're not doing it your way."
tessa_simone
Bad Instructors
"Telling your child to do something, then getting mad when they do it wrong. One time my mom made me fold her laundry, then got mad at me because one her shirts was inside out. I think about that every time I fold clothes now."
Nickynui
"How my dad 'taught' how to pile firewood. Told me to pile firewood, after me saying I'm done, looked at the pile, yelled at me, destroyed the pile, THEN showed me how to pile the firewood. Now when anyone asks me to do something I try to get as explicit instructions as possible."
Siukslinis_acc
Shut up Dad...
Oh No Facepalm GIF by AminéGiphy"Crap my dad has said to me growing up were definitely red flag toxicity. Crap like 'Your grandpa embarrassed me in public growing up, now it’s my turn!' and 'I think your friend is gay, he better not make you gay!'"
TrinixDMorrison
Comparisons...
"Comparing your kid to someone else’s or vice versa."
TheStrangestAverage
"My parents did that, but what made it worse is that I'm neurodivertent and I was being compared to the academically gifted kids. It's an unbelievably unfair comparison to make because I will never be like them, I know I'm smart in different ways but mom wanted a kid with straight A+'s; basically someone she didn't have to put too much effort into helping them learn.
"Like I get it mom, your upset cuz I'm much different than you expected; throwing it my face and making me feel bad I couldn't learn like the other kids is so shi**y."
pixie13903
Control
"Authoritarian need for control over their children. Belittling and nasty psychological warfare that gets personal for no reason. 'I'm your parent not your friend' mentality."
xXxmisschiefxXx
"Yeah my mom wanted me to drink some tea she thought would help with a cough when I didn't want to because it was nasty. Now at this time I was like 7-8 and she was heavy on that mentality of... I'm not your friend."
"She thought well we live in the middle of nowhere, why not take him out side with a hammer and threaten to break his fingers one by one that's not traumatizing at all then she just forced it down my throat. And told me it was for the best it was terrible like I don't even know what was going through her mind."
Outside_Budget_9104
One Sided Looks
"Victim blaming, only seeing the wrong things and ignoring the accomplishments and good and such."
water_hat19
"This is true my mom yells at us when we can't read her mind and guess what she wants tells us she will always support us. Then I went to state for science Olympiad and took 4th in forestry and 6th in rocks and minerals 7th in ornithology and 14th in bridges. And all she did was complain about how I didn't call her during the award ceremony. When they asked us to mute our phones she also complained about giving me a ride."
Outside_Budget_9104
Choices
Giphy"Telling you to take responsibility without giving you freedom. Responsibility is only possible if you have the freedom to make the wrong choice but choose to make the right one."
TheMetaReport
Some parents cause far more damage than happiness. And we have proof... It's not a decision to be taken lightly.
Working a first job is an important part of growing up.
Whether it's working a paper route (do kids even do this anymore?) or working at a video rental store (do those even exist anymore?) first-ever part-time jobs establish important life values and lessons to the youth.
Also, there's nothing that validates accomplishment at a young age more than being able to buy something with their hard-earned money.
Curious to hear examples of this, Redditor MisterChiTown92 asked:
"What did you buy with your first ever work paycheck?"
These generous Redditors found value in paying it forward.
Dinner's On Me
"It was 1976, I was making a whopping $2.50/hour at age 16 (20 cents higher than minimum wage, and it was an office job so I wasn't on my feet all day)....my family didn't have a lot of money (which is why I started working while in the 11th grade), so with my first paycheck I took my Mom and brothers out to dinner at Big Boy. I remember being all proud to say 'Get whatever you want, even the combo meal and a milkshake, it's on me."'
– Ouisch
Dinner Miscalculation
"I took my mom out to a fancy French restaurant. I had no idea how much it was going to cost, then plus tip, I didn’t even have enough! So she had to help me pay the rest. My mom still joke about that from time to time when we go out with the family."
"That was almost 25 yrs ago, damn time flew by."
– jonwtc
Gift For Mom
"I bought my mother a beautiful shawl. I never saw her wear it but it was in with her things when she died nearly 50 years later."
– WakingOwl1
These Redditors got to reward themselves with the things they enjoy most.
Creating Memories
"About twenty bucks of my first paper route earnings, for the pizza buffet and soft drinks, and some arcade games, with my best friend."
"While the shape I've been in has varied over the years, I've kept that stamina I built up hauling around damn near my weight in newsprint. For long endurance rides, hikes with a loaded-up pack, and running."
– ArmsForPeace84
Brand New Kicks
"I was 14 and got a job as a bus boy at a local BBQ joint. With my first check, I went and bought myself a pair of blue/brown Airwalk shoes. I remember how cool it felt to be able to buy something for myself and not have to ask my parents."
– johnnybmagic
Scoring Big Time
"A Playstation 2. Excellent buy, kept it for a over decade before buying an Xbox One."
– Birdo-the-Besto
"It was an Xbox 360 for me. Loved that console."
– HabeLinkin
"Still have a modded PS2. Had a hard drive with games on it too. It still turns on last I checked, I wonder if the hard drive still works..."
–DubaU
A Timeless Treasure
"My family owned a construction business, and my father had me on site for as long as I could remember. I don't remember the first thing I ever bought with what he paid me, but I remember the first thing I set out to buy and had to work for weeks to get the money for. It was a Lego castle set. $49. I'm almost 50 now, and I still have it."
– Spodson
Naughty Pleasures
"lol I bought a candy g-string so I could eat it off of my girlfriend while she was wearing it, and a black cowboy hat with spikes on it from Hot Topic hahaha"
– dirtydickmf
Some recalled having to prioritize taking care of business over indulgences.
The Necessities
"gasoline and insurance to continue to be able to go to work."
– TurpitudeSnuggery
"I remember getting my first paycheck being so proud of it and my stepfather goes wow you don't have enough for gas. How are you getting to work for the next two weeks? Made me realize I needed to work more."
"I should also put in here that this was my first on the books paycheck. Made it feel a little different."
– truelydorky
Saving Up For Wheels
"Used to mow lawns and do odd jobs for cash when I was a kid. When I got my first 'real' paycheck that I had to cash at a bank, I saved every penny for several months until I bought my first car at age 16."
"Had zero expenses back then, which made it easy to save money. Fun memory."
– YupHio
Building A Wardrobe
"Clothes."
"I had to start working at the age of 12 because my parents could no longer afford to buy clothes for me."
– Opposite-Purpose365
I worked at a video game store in the mall when I was 15.
I was miserable being stuck behind a counter in a tiny corner store with hardly any adequate air circulation. Working with a personality-clashing co-worker didn't help things either.
But when I got my first paycheck, I remember thinking it was a major milestone and reward for enduring the unpleasant work conditions.
I used my first-ever earnings on a denim jacket from the Gap at the mall where I worked. I wore that stone-washed jacket with pride at school for years.
What was your most prized purchase from your first paycheck?
Reddit user sir_nams asked:
"What is an item you spent way too much money on but have no regrets buying?"
Home
"My house."
"I pay a lot as my mortgage, but every time I come into the house the immense peace I feel is just under the roof."
"My friends are worried why I stay in the house too much and I keep on telling them I’m fine, I’m just enjoying my house."
~ Not-The-Delulu
Clothes
"Investing in more expensive clothing that doesn’t fall apart in a year."
~ rainbowlettuce76
Alaska
"Not an item, but a trip to Alaska this summer."
"I never sat down and added everything up, but I probably spent about $3,000 on a 10-day trip (solo)."
"But it was an incredible trip, worth every dollar."
~ rob_s_458
GiphyMental Health
"My kid’s therapist."
"She’s the head of the practice, and came highly, highly recommended. And she costs a goddamn arm and a leg."
"However, my kid is thriving."
"Do I wish she was less expensive? Of course!"
"Would I dream of switching her out for someone new? Not on your life."
~ strangled_spaghetti
Bed
"My new TemperPedic king bed."
"By God was it expensive but I’ve never slept better!"
~ Expensive-System-762
Dogs
"My dog."
"She's almost 7 and since I got her she's either wearing my money, chewing my money, or eating my money."
"Don't regret it one bit."
~ PsychologicalSense41
GiphyComfy Chair
"A quality desk chair."
"Working from home, I spend more time in the chair than in bed."
"Paid about the cost of a mattress for my chair and have zero regret."
~ mattkoz
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
"My divorce."
"At a certain point I just said, 'it’s only money, I can make more. But I can’t get back those days I lost being with him, and I miss those days and chances to be happy more than I miss the money'.”
~ newwriter365
Japan
"My recent trip to Japan. I've been wanting to go since I was at school (I'm 40 now), and after saving most of my adult life, I finally managed to go."
"I've never spent that much money on anything. Even though I've been dreaming about it and building it up in my head my whole life, it still far exceeded my expectations."
"Absolutely no regrets."
~ -Satsujinn-
GiphyBidet
"Toto toilet with Toto washlet (electric bidet)."
~ Mr_Auric_Goldfinger
Straight Teeth
"Invisalign."
Cost? Expensive."
"Having straight teeth for the first time in my life in my 40s? Priceless."
~ Disraeli_Ears
Cats
"My cats."
"The cats I had when I was younger, I got for free. Got spayed/neutered at low income clinics, then it was food and litter."
I got kittens several years back from a shelter. Expensive city, so even shelter kittens are a couple hundred dollars each."
"And they were absolutely worth every penny. Every vet appointment, every emergency appointment, toys, high quality food."
"I would give them even more if I could."
~ StinkyKittyBreath
GiphyComfy Shoes
"I bought a pair of New Balance shoes for $240."
"They are the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn and owned. My wife is getting sick of the weird noises and constant 'Man these shoes are comfortable!' whenever I wear them."
"No regrets."
~ StressSad6439
Art
"One time I decided not to go to a party because after 9 PM there was a $10 cover and I wasn’t gonna be able to make it before then."
"While walking back to my apartment I noticed an art opening. I went in and fell in love with the artist’s work."
"I bought a $500 painting on the spot. This was a huge amount of money for me at the time, the most I had ever spent on one single thing."
"Not sure what came over me, but I still love the painting."
~ OKsurewhynotyep
Family Photos
"Many years ago I decided to do a family photo shoot. I BEGGED my sister to do it with us, said I'd pay for her family's separate ones also."
"She refused, it wasn't convenient for her husband. It included my dogs, my mom, and my husband."
"My thoughts were we've never done them and mom wouldn't be around much longer. We did some shots of my mom with my dogs (who she loved) and us as a whole."
"About two months later my husband died unexpectedly. About a year later my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my sister's husband died unexpectedly. My dogs gave my mom happiness in her last days."
"My lesson was, it is 100000% worth doing it because you never know if tomorrow will come or not."
~ nickygirl19
What expensive purchase have you made that you’ll never regret?