You can't help but to overhear bits and pieces of conversation when you're waiting tables. Sometimes, those conversations turn out to be extraordinarily awkward to overhear.
Reddit user Romantic_Amoeba asked:
"Waiters of Reddit, what f**ked up sh*t have you overheard while waiting tables?"
I saw a mother take her knife and with the flat part of it, whack the hand of her 2 year-old child because she was drawing something with her left hand. She yelled at her "No, use your right hand. Good girls don't write with their left hand."
This was as I was standing there taking their order and writing with my left hand.
My favorite was a group of nurses. Pouring waters as one says the sentence "So a guy came in for an adult circumcision yesterday..."
Never ask a nurse about their day. It was worse than yours.
I approached a table with a family of five to take their order. Two adults and three kids from about 5 to 10 or so. One of the kid starts to say something and the father cuts him off by saying "Don't say another word Peter. Nobody says a thing until princess Mommy makes up her mind and decides what she wants for dinner." Followed by long awkward silence and me leaving.
Party of five or six, it's a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and stuff like that. I have no idea what is going on, we didn't hire this guy.
He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night). Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.
Ex waiter. I'm walking down a long hallway carrying a tray of food. A kid comes running from a perpendicular hallway and run face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says, "Buddy, you just can't go running into walls."
"I heard if you complain here you get your meal for free"
I sidled by and politely told her that wasn't the case.
My Mom and I went to a restaurant in a town we were visiting, and we were seated close by a family just sitting down to dinner. As soon as they sat down, the waitress asked if they wanted a drink. Dad and Mom ordered wine and son looks at waitress and then blurts out to his parents "I'm gay."
Waitress leaves. Parents look at their son and then look at each other. Mom then asks Dad what he is thinking of having to eat. Son again exclaims "I'm gay." Parents look at him deadpan and say in unison, "we know". Then waitress came and took our orders and I didn't hear what happened next. But they stayed and enjoyed their meal and seemed to be fine with each other.
Giphy
Heard a group of 3 women talking about how each of their 4th/5th/ whatever many marriages are going and how they treat marrying for money as their career.
One of them paid with their newest husband's black AMEX card.
I overheard a guy on a date, at the table next to ours, trying to impress the girl by saying that he loved swing dancing, and that maybe they should check out that "Swinging Richards" place sometime. Their waitress was in earshot and quickly explained to him that Swinging Richards was not that kind of dance club... (It's of the male nudity variety).
I overheard a customer talking about someone "coming and being so much fun". I assumed she was pregnant because she seemed to be showing a bit. I decided mid way through the dinner to congratulate her on being pregnant. To my horror she said "I am not pregnant". I felt horrible. I told my manager who comped their meals and I hid in the back for the rest of their dinner. Push comes to shove she refused to let the manager comp her meal and left me a $20 tip with a note that said "I was kidding I'm due in July."
I work in a pretty big tourist beach town, an older couple comes in one night, super nice. They were there for a while, pretty much until close. I come by to ask if they need anything. "Actually, my wife and I were talking, and since it's our last night here, we wanted to know if you would be interested in joining us back at our hotel room?" I smiled, told them thanks but no thanks, but have a nice rest of your trip. They left me a hefty tip and went on their way.
Giphy
I waited tables at a college town Ruby Tuesday. One not, we had a bunch of frat guys come in, all sitting at the same table. They ordered food and several beers. Everything started out fine, but after about 20 minutes, they were getting loud and dropping some f bombs and other things unnecessary in a family restaurant.
I could tell several of the other tables were slightly annoyed and a little uncomfortable, so I finally went over the frat guys and reminded them that this was a family restaurant and they were really going to have to tone it down.
One of the frat boys stood up, looked me straight in the face and sneered, "And if we don't tone it down, what are you gonna do about it?"
I was not prepared with an answer, but then I heard a voice behind me.
"I don't know what he's gonna do about it, but if you keep this up, I'm gonna come over there and kick all of your butts"
I turn around and there's this giant man out to enjoy a quiet dinner with his wife. His wife now looks amused at the prospect of her husband wiping the floor with a couple of drunk frat guys.
Anyway, frat guys quickly collect their checks, pay and get out. I comped dessert for the couple and it was a great night after all.
One time when delivering drinks to a guy and his wife who were sitting across the table from each other I accidentally caught a glimpse of the man's phone. The content was very inappropriate. He knew he was caught. I kept my composure completely and didn't skip a beat. At the end of the meal there was a $100 bill in the book in addition to the 20% credit tip.
I've waited tables at a mid to upscale level family owned restaurants part time for 9 years. Its located in a suburban area of a Midwest city so we have a mix of rural and urban folks.
One night, I waited on a couple that looked more like the young hip urban crowd. They looked at the wine list for a good five minutes and when I came back, she asks me "what do the numbers by the price per glass mean" I thought this was a joke so I replied "the price per bottle of course". She stared at me for a moment, calmly closes the menu, and slaps her partner in the face with the menu screaming "WE'RE SO UNSOPHISTICATED!!! YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT MORE".
I audibly laughed I just couldn't help it. He however didn't find it funny.
We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker's section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time.
One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him "ooooh, you're in trouble. I'm going to tell your wife you were here with another woman."
Woman said "Excuse me? I am his wife. Who has he been coming here with?" Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband.
My coworker just turned around and walked away.
I've been waiting tables for a little over a decade now, and I definitely have some:
-I once had to wait on a table where the mother and father were trying to calmly explain that they were getting a divorce to their 8-10 year old son. They started the conversation before the appetizers even hit the table, crying by the time the entrees came, and still stayed for dessert. The little boy kept asking if he did anything wrong.
-I used to work at a nice bar in a really nice part of town, so a bunch of stories there. I was propositioned by a woman and her husband definitely old enough to by my parents, more than once. Overheard a couple discussing pricing for the evening
Had a guy confess to banging his significant other's sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.
Not overheard but saw when I bussed tables in high school:
I watched someone change a poopy baby diaper directly on the vinyl booth seat, then leave the poop smeared wipes and poop filled diaper on a plate on the table!
I was once helping a friend by washing dishes in her Cafe. I would often bus tables also.
It was a buffet.
A woman asked the guy she was with:
"Are you full?"
He said "Yeah, but wait while I make another plate."
She said "Why"
He said "Because it's a buffet"
When I bused their table he had left a plate full of meat, no veggies, no bread, no dessert, just a plate full of every meat on the buffet.
Some of the activities unfolding before us can be outright bonkers, and we just have to wonder what makes them do the things they do.
Curious to hear about how others might be perceived in public for doing certain activities, Redditor LordP*yF*ker asked:
"What’s legal but if you do it you still look like a psychopath?"
Why anyone would do the following is anybody's guess, but at least the question was answered.
They've Gotta Latte Nerve
"Going to Starbucks and ordering a milk with ice."
– tsuave
Going Nowhere Fast
"walking backwards in public."
– CloudMojos
"So I saw this couple walking backwards down the middle of my street and thought 'huh weird.'"
"Looked out the window 1 minute later and there they were again walking backwards in the same spot."
"Went to the kitchen window and again walking backwards, but I had never seen them walk forwards to get back to that position."
"At this point I think I'm stuck in a time loop. I show my roommate to prove I'm not crazy and this time we see them walk forwards back to the top of the street. So we watch them for several cycles just walking forwards, then backwards, up and down the street, just holding casual conversation."
"Figure it must be a workout routine or something but wtf..."
– BearsWithGuns
What's Up, Doc?
​"Paint yourself orange, dye your hair green, stand in a hole and pretend your a carrot."
– _Raspootin_
Business Cardio
"Working out in a suit."
– Poob3
"I had a classmate who did phys ed (also) in a suit. He only had suits, about 20 times the very same outfit, including shoes and ties."
– DarwinWillSolveIt
Could something more sinister be at work here?
Not possible.
After all, these activities are NOT illegal, right?
Midnight In The Garden Of Evil
"Digging holes in your backyard at night."
"Just doing some night digging."
– Hydris
Poultry Facial
"Wearing the skin of a roast chicken like a mask."
– penny_lab
Here's A Treat
"Offering candies to kids with a van with homemade logos."
– khanabyss
Double Brides
"Wearing a wedding gown to someone else's wedding."
– Adventurous_Menu_683
"In pakistani culture its perfectly normal to wear your own wedding gown to someone elses wedding. The gowns are very color full and heavily embroidered."
– IFKhan
Just because it's a preference doesn't mean you won't get an awkward reaction.
Drop Trou
"Pulling your pants/underwear all the way down to pee at a men’s urinal."
– Sultan_of_Swing92
"I knew a kid in elementary school who did this. Normally he would use the stalls but one time he did it at the urinal and yelled 'oops I'm not in the stall' then turned and made and held eye contact when I looked cause he yelled."
– OutlandishnessNo3979
Look Ma, No Hands
"Eating in public without using your hands at all."
– DeathSpiral321
"Like... just face first?"
– clumsyumbrella
"Nah, feet."
– pyphais
For Texture
"Eating a banana with the skin on."
– Nipples_of_Destiny
As a subway commuter in Gotham City, I've seen my fair share of crazy on the train.
From unprovoked altercations, to riders taking up precious sitting real estate by spreading their legs wide open, there are many offenses committed by strap-hangers all the time.
My biggest complaint is a common one and it happens as I try to exit the train and my path is blocked by commuters standing on the platform who are simultaneously rushing to get in.
It happened very recently where a guy was standing directly in front of me, and he refused to step out of the way.
I asked him, "so are you just going to stand there?" His choice to stand on solid ground gave me my answer and I aggressively nudged him out of the way with my shoulder.
I didn't have patience for it, because like many of us stepping out of the train, we had places to go.
That being said, I don't highly recommend what I did. As I said earlier, I've seen my fair share of crazy on the train and you never know who you're going to piss off.
I can't wait to be a car-owner again someday.
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Redditor ChrisVIII wanted to discuss the best ways to make living better, in the most simple of ways.
They asked:
"What improved your quality of life so much, you wish you did it sooner?"
Pay attention in school.
Don't drink and drive.
Two very small and life altering decisions I wish I could've done better.
Walk Away
"Walking. After years of trying to run, I simply started walking. 5-7 miles a day in good weather. It is literally life changing in terms of mental and physical health." ~ Merlin560
GiphyAdopt...
"Adopted my block. (adoptoneblock.org) Instead of being sad about trash everywhere, I go out a couple times a week with a grabber and a bucket and just clean it up. Fresh air, a chance to connect with neighbors in a positive way, eyes on the street, neighborhood looks nicer and feels safer, zero downside."
"Adoptoneblock might only be in Oregon, but a picker is like 20 bucks for a good one (I recommend Arcmate brand; they're metal inside and last forever) and 5-gallon buckets are everywhere. Even if you only do the block around your house, it makes a huge difference. Imagine if every block got adopted." ~ binkkit
"helping people out"
"I stopped saying yes to things I didn't want to do." ~ VinnyRuns
"Holy sh*t me too! I used to do hair and eventually once I was working for myself I would say yes to literally everything all the time. Including 'helping people out' and stuff like that. I loved making people happy but I eventually got more and more miserable and ended up with a pretty heavy drug addiction."
"A bunch of years later and some really helpful therapy and I work a job that I actually love and no longer do hair for anyone other than my girlfriend or very close family. Only took 16 years of doing something I didn't really love to finally break and make the changes I needed to get what I want out of life." ~ arcaneresistance
Sail Away
"Taking a yearly vacation. My family never traveled growing up so I didn't know what I was missing out on but I have a good paying job with time off benefits and my wife and I have been taking a vacation every year since we got married, even if it's just something simple the time away from the usual day-to-day does wonders." ~ brshimp
Push No
"Turning off all push notifications except for essentials like financial apps or important contacts." ~ cyan_reynolds
GiphyI'm learning so much already.
And HOW do I turn off those notifications?
Swallow
"Swallowed my pride and got a blue collar job. For almost 20 years I followed my mother's advice, work inside so it's warm when it's cold outside and cool when it's warm outside. Now I deliver packages outside and the weather doesn't bother me. I have no boss on my shoulder and I can do my job however I want." ~ veldrinshade
Restful Nights
"CPAP machine. If you snore at all, you owe it to yourself to get a sleep study and see what is going on. It literally changed my life getting one. I went from constant caffeine throughout the day just to function to feeling rested for the first time in years. Especially if you are overweight like I am, your heart is stopping multiple times an hour as you struggle to breathe while snoring."
"It sucks getting used to the machine (especially if you have to wear the full face mask), but man that first night of actual deep sleep will be life changing. I cannot recommend it enough and I have convinced at least 5 people that I know to get one and they all say the same thing, should have done it years ago." ~ bonez59054
The Top View
"Quit my job and moved to the mountains. I realized I cared more about what I did with my free time than whatever work I did, so I got a job where my SO and I wanted to live. We live in a cute mountain town now and every day watching the sunrise at home gives me 1000% more happiness than anything ever in Illinois." ~ starciv14
Water and bedding are essentials to happy living.
Don't be afraid, you can always start doing better now.
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