Waiting tables can be arduous work. It can also be rather rewarding, provided your customers tip decently (but that's another story we'll probably reserve for a different article).
One of the toughest parts about being a waiter: Customers who are so particular that taking their orders becomes an exercise in patience.
Today's burning question comes from Redditor Braumsisdabomb, who asked: "Waiters and waitresses of Reddit, what's the most convoluted order you've ever taken?"
Brace yourselves, people.
"Not necessarily a convoluted order..."
Not necessarily a convoluted order but I think this still fits here. I work at a from scratch Italian restaurant. Had a guy come in with his wife and sit at the bar on a busy Saturday night. He informed me he was following the "TB12 diet" from Tom Brady's new diet and exercise book and had very strict dietary restrictions because of this. He sent me back and forth to the kitchen no less than 7 times to verify with the chef that his dinner order would have no iodized salt,
sugar, olive oil, gluten, peppers, or tomatoes (he ended up with a plain piece of fish and some vegetables). We were getting slammed, but I still tried to keep my patience and accommodate the guy the best I could, even though doing so was putting me in the weeds. After dinner I ask if they would like anything else and don't you know this guy orders himself a bread pudding (VERY much filled with forbidden gluten and sugar) and eats the whole thing. He just goes "well, I mean, you have to allow yourself a treat now and then." I died a little more inside.
"I previously worked at a wing shop."
I previously worked at a wing shop. Guy calls and asks for 24 mild traditional wings. He then proceeds to ask for them to be fried twice (no big deal, that's pretty common). He also wants them covered in Mexican shredded cheese, put in the microwave for 30 seconds, drizzled with mayonnaise, and wants his side of fries placed on the wings rather than in a separate container. Finally, he requested to have pickle juice squeezed lightly across the top of everything. Obviously all the waiters, cooks, and waitresses thought this was disgusting...but we had never smelled something so amazing come from the kitchen in our lives. (Did not taste as pleasant as it smelled.)
"She once returned the drink..."
Coffee frappuccino, half&half instead of milk, coffee filled up to 2/5ths of the cup before blending, light ice, two shots espresso, shake ingredients then blend it three times, use half the bottle of caramel drizzle on the sides of the cup before pouring the drink in, extra extra whipped cream, then add more caramel drizzle to the top. This woman came in every day, watched you make her drink, and would force you to remake it over and over until she was satisfied.
She once returned the drink for not having enough caramel drizzle. As I was remaking it, the cap blew off of the drizzle bottle and nearly the entire contents oozed into the cup. It being frappuccino happy hour, I said "f*ck it" and gave it to her like that. She said it was the best she's ever tasted.
The entire store absolutely loathed frappuccinos.
"I'm still just blown away by this woman."
I serve food at a country club so I deal entirely with people that have more wealth than I'll probably ever had. A lot of these people are really nice and are actually friendly, however many are also very snobby, high maintenance, and just rude.
One night I had a table. It was two couples on a double date and both couple were less than friendly. One woman ordered a salmon (I can't remember the rest because this one woman was the bane of my existence).
I serve them entrees and let them eat for a while before I do the typical "how's everyone doing?" 9 times out of 10 everyone just says everything is fine and just want me to leave so they can eat. Not this lady. She calls me over and tells me she didn't think I gave her salmon. Looking at her plate I can see the fish is pink and is very very clearly salmon (I've served the salmon hundreds of times) she insists i Go ask the kitchen what fish it was. Of course it's salmon.
Which i return and tell her politely that it is indeed salmon. She gets angry and tells me how it doesn't taste like any salmon she ever had and that she had had salmon many times and that what I served her wasn't salmon. After getting more and more angry about not having salmon she looks me dead in the eyes and says "this tastes like turtle" I honestly didn't know how to react so I just asked if she was sure and she says "yes, I actually like it. But it isn't salmon"
I'm still just blown away by this woman. She got so angry with me about this "mix up". We don't serve turtle, I don't know anywhere that does. And she liked it? I don't understand these people's lives.
"Then he had the nerve to complain..."
A half rack of ribs, no sauce, well done, microwaved after taking it off the grill for 5 minutes, 8 sides of thousand island dressing to dip it in, broccoli, no butter, triple steamed, a sweet potato with 4 sides of sour cream, a water with no ice and then two cups of ice. Then 15 minutes later decided he wanted another half rack of ribs the same way. This was a year ago but I will never forget because he snapped at me a ton of times while I was talking to other customers. Then he had the nerve to complain to my manager because his rolls came late, but they had just been popped into the oven and were baking when he ordered them. F*ck that guy.
"Worked at a fancy country club."Giphy
Worked at a fancy country club. Some 14-year old kid always threw a fit about his food being seasoned so the parents let him order what he wanted. 12 oz filet mignon, no seasoning, no butter, no oil, cooked well done, served on a plate with two dinner rolls, also with no butter. The chefs were pissed at this kid for complaining about everything they made so they were happy to make his food the way he wanted. The kid ordered it every week they came in from then on. Yes, he still got charged for the salad, vegetables, and starch option that would have came with the meal. Also an older woman would come in on Sunday mornings and order burnt toast, heavily buttered, and one strip of bacon with a cup of burnt coffee. She had been coming there for years and we'd put on a pot of coffee before we opened so it would be old by 10am when she showed up. People are weird.
"We called it the Corey special..."
We called it the Corey special, because this guy would come in every week and get the same exact thing. Large yumm and greens vegan sub avocado, add cabbage and carrots 1/2 sauce sub nori, add tempeh, no chips sub crispy noodles, on a plate, half rice sub greens. He was a super nice guy though, so nobody really minded that he had the order from hell.
"One customer, two orders."
One customer, two orders.
The first would be paid by card - a cheese and ham toastie with a cup of tea. The ham had to be taken out of the toastie and put in a separate bag, and the toastie had to be cut into quarters and delivered to their table (we don't do that).
The second part was paid by cash and was a Tandoori Chicken Baguette cut in half, delivered in two separate bags and a long black with milk and water on the side - again, we don't do that.
Greggs is a tiresome job and customers like that only make it worse.
"We had this chicken ragout thing..."
We had this chicken ragout thing that was pretty good and spicy; well one day an older woman comes in and order it without the corn, tomato, onion, garlic, any other vegetables, no sauce, and chicken on the side with butter.
She got buttery rice and chicken. Like $13 bucks despite the fact I told her she could order a side of both of the same portion for like 8 bucks total. But by god she was dead set on that "ragout"
"Not a waiter but a cook..."
Not a waiter but a cook, just had this one a couple nights ago in the middle of the biggest rush of 2019 thus far. Guy comes in and orders 2 chicken breasts boiled from raw (we sell our chicken grilled or fried), six scrambled eggs but not made with our pre scrambled egg mix, but freshly hand scrambled eggs BUT of the 6 eggs he wanted all 6 whites but only two yolks, and three pancakes made with 33% buttermilk batter and 66% multigrain batter.... manager wouldnt let us refuse the check and then complained that it took more than our required 10 minute cook time to boil the chicken
"Twelve German guys..."
Twelve German guys spread out between 3 tables. Perfectly pleasant, though language a bit of a barrier. They all ordered gammon-and-chips, cod-and-chips, burger-and-chips, etc. And a low-alcohol lager each. (It was a roadside restaurant.) So far so good. Then for the next hour or so, they would call me over and order another lager here, another there, a third for this chap. Like, I think it had something like 0.4% alcohol, and they were trying to make it up to the level of a normal pint.
Then having eaten their meals they wanted the same again. Only this time one guy wanted the cod, and the other wanted the chips on a separate plate. Ditto the gammon. Then deserts. And about half of them had a second desert.
Then they wanted to pay separately. Not split the bill 12 ways. They wanted to pay for exactly what each of them had had.
I left the manager with them at the till. Luckily, she spoke German.
"We have this lady come in..."Giphy
We have this lady come in EVERY Tuesday and she sits at the bar. Wait, not sit. She stands the entire time. She wants an almost raw salmon slathered in this Cherry Chipotle glaze that we have with extra every thing that the bowl comes with (quinoa, mushrooms, seasoned tomatoes, among other veggies), an extra bowl of the glaze that has to be heated up, and sriracha. We don't offer sriracha as a condiment but we keep large bottles of it on the prep line to use as a mix for sauces. The bartenders just started keeping the sriracha behind the bar just for her lol. I dubbed her "Salmon Lady."
"Two women come in..."
Two women come in and both order mint mochas. I make them in the standard paper coffee cups with plastic lids. The woman then tell me they want them in mugs instead. The drinks have whipped cream and chocolate on top so I couldn't just pour them into the cups without ruining them, so I remake the drinks and bring them out. One woman is happy, while the other is not. She says it isn't minty enough. I take it back and put more mint in it. She's still not satisfied. I add more mint. Now it's too minty. I remake it for the third time and add the standard amount of mint. She's happy, despite the fact that she had wanted more mint originally?? The good thing was she was very kind and apologetic about it all, and tipped me well.
In High School, I waited tables at a local place. It was your typical small town restaurant, with burgers and steaks and pork chops kind of place. Anyway- this dude came in and ordered a burger, with lettuce, tomato, raw onion, and extra pickles. Cool so far. Now- hold the burger. Just the bun and toppings, please.
And some fries, but please chill them a little before serving. Not cold, but please get them just slightly warmer than room temperature.
Uh...alright, I guess.
And a steak. NY strip, cooked medium well, with no salt or butter. Put the steak on its own plate, please.
Sure thing, but I think they'll charge you for the burger and the steak. Cool? Cool.
So I put in the order, taking time to pass along the specifics to the cook. She looked at me like I was bullshitting her, but did it.
And sure enough, when the order came up, the dude put the steak on the bun. Complete with lettuce, tomato, extra pickles, AND room temperature fries. He put the chilled fries on the goddamned sandwich he made.
He ate every last bite, washed down with an iced beer. Not beer in a chilled cup, but bud light poured over ice.
He was a great tipper, but it was bizarre. He became a semi-regular after that, always with the same order.
"My time to shine."
My time to shine. I worked at a country club as a bartender, and had been there for years, so they would have me go "on the floor" to train new staff. I was training this girl that was all of eighteen, bright eyed and bushy tailed, her first serving job. She was shadowing me when a group of middle aged women that were known to be persnickety sat down. I walk over to them, greet Mrs. Murphy and company by name and warmly attempt to take a drink order. Per protocol I go clockwise around the table taking their "unsweetened ice teas, TWO lemons" and "diet cola, make SURE it's diet I'm fasting", all the while the last of their party keeps talking over them saying "bird on a plate, bird on a plate, bird on a plate". I genuinely was trying to show my trainee how we were strictly instructed to introduce service, and this woman was repeating her deluded mantra over all of her friends drink requests. When I arrive at her she just says "I want a BIRD. On a PLATE. BIRD ON A PLATE" - like I'm the dumbass. When I inform her we have turkey, duck, chicken, and other poultry that day she screamed "BIRD. ON A PLATE". I smiled, turned on my heel, and rang in a chicken sandwich, no bread, lettuce or tomato, and no side. I promptly called over my manager and gave my two weeks. F*ck you, Mrs. Ward.
"I had an old dude..."
I had an old dude that would come in about once a week who would order the following:
4 double cheeseburgers with extra toppings
3 4-egg omelets with 6 pieces of sausage each inside
4 grilled chicken breasts 'for his bird dogs' (they were poodles)
4 orders of fries
A bowl of chili with extra onions
20-30 pieces of bacon just in a container
We think he and his wife eat all this crap throughout the week so they didn't have to cook. He said he'd had 4 heart attacks and didn't give a shit anymore. They were both relatively thin somehow. Must store all that fat in their arteries.
"It was more an order that took a while..."
It was more an order that took a while to understand, and ended up making my self since it didn't take that long and to make sure it was made correctly.
So we had this salad called a Cobb Salad that had cooked chicken, bacon, and ham on it. It also had cheeses, chopped boiled eggs and green onions.
The customer wanted the meats on the side, but wanted the meat fats to be on the salad. The way she tried to explain it was hard to understand, but what I was able to come up with was to toss the lettuce with the meat and then pick the meat out and chop it on the side. Then put the rest of the stuff on top of the tossed salad.
She was satisfied with the food, got an ok tip from that table.
"There's a lady..."
There's a lady that always comes into the Japanese restaurant I work at and orders a chicken bento box, no chicken, only carrots and onions for the vegetables, carrots steamed, onions grilled, spicy steamed rice instead of fried rice, dumplings replaced with soup, California roll replaced with a salad with two small cups of dressing on the side and a bowl of lemons with her water no ice.
Also this man that orders a steak and chicken lunch, but instead of chicken he wants extra steak. All the servers have tried to explain that we have just a steak lunch.
"When I was a waitress..."
When I was a waitress at Olive Garden, a family of four gave me the menus and said, "surprise me" and literally wouldn't tell me what they wanted. They wanted me to choose for them.
I gave them the four most expensive entrees on the menu.
"And she was a slow talker..."
When I worked in Sainsbury's cafe (I know, hardly the most complicated place) we had a lady who came in regularly for breakfast with her 3 grandkids who'd simply list the items she wanted on each plate and, whenever she was told that we couldn't do that and she'd have to choose from the set breakfasts, she'd simply repeat the entire list louder. And she was a slow talker so it'd take her probably 90 seconds to read the whole list. Eventually we caved and just ended up doing it because it didn't look too great having someone stood at the till almost shouting "two sausages, two bits of bacon..." etc over and over again, but she stopped coming in after the main shop barred her daughter for shoplifting. That was the greatest news I ever got while I worked there.
The other annoying thing about her was somehow I was the only one working there (out of 20+ people) who was able to make her lattes the way she liked (steamed to nearly 200C because she was a fucking heathen) so whenever she came in she was insistent that I serve her, so I couldn't even avoid her by being in the kitchen.
Most inventions were made with the idea to bring progress to humanity, not to harm it. However, that is not always how things turn out. A prime -and sad- example of this can be found in the life of Alfred Nobel. Most people know his name as the creator of the Nobel Peace prize without a second thought as to what drove him to make such an award.
The tragic truth is that Alfred Nobel invented dynamite with the intent to help with industrial uses. After seeing the horrendous usage of his invention to kill so many people so easily he lived the rest of his life under the weight of an all-consuming regret. That led him to use his fortune to create an award for those who have done incredible things for humanity and peace.
Redditor IndependentHungry840 wanted to know other inventions that met a harmful ending and asked:
“What invention has done more harm than good?"
Constant media panic…
“24 hour news media. It is absolutely one of the most toxic, miasmic, foul things we could have ever come up with." wiredsignal
“What makes it worse is the "news" isn't just news, it's ONLY bad news. There's never an hour of only uplifting, happy stories that happened today. It's just a constant barrage of fear-mongering and misery." AdamNRG
Lead poisoning causes lower IQ and behavior disruption…
“There used to be lead in gasoline; they thought it would improve engine performance. Not only did it ruin people's lungs, many believe that it caused an increase in violent crime, because things like muggings almost disappeared after lead was taken out of gas.” doowgad1
“I'm pretty sure it was proven that after the invention of leaded gasoline, the average IQ dropped. And leaded gas was around for a pretty long time.” Marksman18
“Violent crime massively spiked in the US from about 1970-2000, right when atmospheric lead concentration spiked as well.” Agent_Orange7
Smoking is just bad all the way around…
“Cigarettes. Supposed to relieve stress and help the user feel in control due the nicotine inside which is of course highly addictive. Not to mention the myriad of other harmful things inside of them (Methanol/Rocket Fuel, Arsenic, Stearic Acid/Candle Wax, etc.)" Toa-Magnus
“The worst part is, cigarettes replaced tobacco pipes, which have substantially lower health risks, due to the fact that you don't inhale from a pipe at all, just "sip" the smoke and blow."
“Cigarettes' ease of use and popularity has also lead to tons of small tobacco growers just going straight out of business because the high temps cigs burn at and the filtered tip make the actual quality of the tobacco "less important" insofar as our friend Big Tobacco is concerned. Not to mention that same accessibility making childhood smoking much easier to pick up and hide."
“If you're a long-time smoker and have trouble quitting, you could at least consider transitioning to pipes, the learning curve isn't steeper than a few nights in google, and the smoke smells way better for bystanders than everyone's favorite acrid cancer stick. I mean, it ain't good for you, but it's leagues better than cigarettes." Strudel_Meister
This right here!
“Private prisons, the peak of modern slavery, prisons are meant to be reforming facilities/keeping criminals in check, not a business but if your country thought slavery was okay back then, why it wouldn't work now.” PsychologicalTart602
Education time: Part of the dehumanizing experiences to which prisoners are subjected work to only further isolate them from society making it more difficult to reintegrate upon release. The psychological damage and lack of prosocial connectivity coupled with social stigma and scare resources helps ensure a continuation of the crime cycle with extraordinarily high recidivism rates.
This means the United States prisons stay full so they can keep lining the pockets of the private ownership essentially incentivizing the people who run these correctional facilities to keep any true rehabilitative programming to a bare minimum.
Asbestos, not the fire proof miracle we thought…
“Asbestos insulation." Ancient-Pause-99
“I live where the asbestos mine just shut down ten years ago. You can't get your house tested for asbestos because it's literally in everything, so even brand new houses would test positive from the surroundings. All the other rocks from the mine were used all over in sidewalks, roads, Street lamps, etc.” RoselleLS
Eli Whitney’s inventions…
“Whitney's cotton gin in the 1790's. Made slavery profitable. When I took a class on antebellum economics a argument that had support was that before the 1790s slavery was in decline.” CSMURPHRUN
“Then Eli went on to develop mass production and gave it to the North allowing them to mass produce rifles with interchangeable parts. This led to the North's victory. Eli Whitney had arguably the largest impact on American history of any single person. Essentially providing the tools to start the civil war then end it.” Louis_A_Devil
Social Media Platforms…social media followers GIF by The Orchard FilmsGiphy
“Social media ironically has made it harder to actually socialize with people and imo is responsible for a huge portion of social anxiety around the world." BradRogriguez
|“The issues caused by social media are much deeper than just lack of in-person connection and social anxiety. Mental health overall in teens and young adults is on a decline, and misinformation is spreading rampantly, people are even more divided than ever ideologically” kiwidog8|
“the original social media."
“The guy who invented the megaphone said he felt responsible for Hitler's rise. Before that, the most people you could really talk to at once was like 100. After that, one speech can reach millions.” skeetsauce
“Oh sh*t. The megaphone was the original social media.” Shermione
The lie detector test…
“Polygraph test. Its a stress test, in no way was it ever supposed to a ‘lie detector’. The inventor was beyond horrified and destroyed at the ‘monstrous misuse of his technology by law enforcement’.” MurrayMan92
“I think the way Keurig has evolved is hilarious. They started with the hugely wasteful cups that lots of people used. Eventually people realized how wasteful they were and pressured Keurig to make reusable cups. Now they're just a normal coffee machine.”
“They came from nowhere, invented a new technology, and eventually just ended up using the same old technology as their competitors and somehow ended up coming out on top” Lemon_Tile
While good intentions proceeded these inventions there certainly were grave consequences. It shows the bad sides of humanity in that if it can be weaponized it will be.
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Our memories are strange things. They can totally play tricks on us and make us believe we experienced something we never did, even if there is mounting evidence against what we recall.
Sometimes several memories become one memory, or else details become lost or embellished; sometimes we are told a story so many times that a false memory of the event starts to form.
But sometimes, something strange really did happen and our memories are actually serving us perfectly.
"What's something you can swear you saw but no one is believing you?"
Here were some of those answers.
"I saw a dude standing next to my truck with an unnaturally wide smile. I was on highway 49 east right outside Greenwood, MS."
"I heard hail hit my truck a few times so I pulled over expecting a tornado. I was grabbing my backpack getting ready to bail out for the ditch".
"I turn back to the driver side window to check my mirror and this guy was just standing there. Smiling. It scared me so bad I just slammed the truck in drive and got out of there."-WhiteGravy747
It's My Party
"I threw a party at the condo I lived in with my sister and mom while they were on vacation when I was maybe 17?"
"After the party died down me and 4 of my close friend were the only ones still there and awake and while talking by the top of the basement stairs the handle of the door at the top that was closed moved like someone was struggling to open it."
"Thinking someone passed out in my basement and was too drunk to get the door open I opened it to an empty basement."
"All my friends saw this happen and we stayed up til the morning in my living room too freaked out to move. Everyone blows it off like we were just hammered but by then we were nearly sobered up."-lindsanity16
A Visit From Beyond
"Not something I saw, something I felt and heard. I was struggling to sleep one night, lying in bed feeling wired and irritable when I felt pressure lift from the bed on my partner's side."
"I assumed he'd got up to go to the bathroom (I was facing the opposite way so I didn't see him do this) a few minutes go by and I hear him come back into the room and feel him get back in bed, nothing strange about that."
"Lying there still frustrated the same thing happens again, a lift of pressure, some rustling sounds like a person trying to navigate a dark room, an absence of sound for a few moments and then the sensation of weight on the bed again."
"Still not thinking much of it, because it wasn't an obvious cause for concern, I continue trying to fall asleep. Then it happens again. And again. And again."
"I wasn't too into the idea of asking him if he was ok as we had a ridiculous argument that night and I was pretty pissed off with him, so I just ignored it."
"But then... Then it sounded like he had got up and was simply pacing around the room clumsily, I could hear things on the shelves being touched and slightly moved and hands gently brushing against walls, and then I felt the bed suddenly dip in a concentrated spot of the mattress as though he had stood on it."
"This carries on for I don't know how long, rustling, pressure on the bed and so on until I snap. I sit bolt upright, turn around and say 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' to see my partner waking up from a very deep sleep and looking confused."
"I told him what had happened and he said he'd been asleep next to me the whole time, which was pretty obvious to see him in his very sleepy state, plus he would have had mere seconds to jump into bed without me noticing in the time it took me to sit up and turn around."
"I somehow fell asleep that night feeling confused and as though eyes were on me. And in a typical cheesy haunted house fashion, I get a call from my mum the next morning telling me my uncle had died the night before."-JenikaSwoosh
These things most certainly affected each and every person who remembers seeing them.
Re-Spawn In Real Life
"I have never mentioned this before to anyone. Scene: EPCOT in Orlando, on the brick walkway between a walk-thru part with stores and such on either side and the part leading up to The Land."
"Date: June 2008. I was with my pregnant wife. Huge storm rolls in, black clouds, about to pour, when there was this unearthly deafening sound and bright light exploded."
"I opened my eyes and I was standing 30 feet or more away back under the covered walkway, unharmed. My wife said I had been standing right beside her, then I wasn't."
"It was too far to have run in the brief second of the explosion (I assume a lightning strike). Swear this happened as well as I could tell it."-acrossthreeparallels
"I live in a rural community in Canada. My sister came to see me once and swore up and down that she saw a zebra grazing in the fields."
"I made fun of her for a couple of years about how the zebra roam the north pole and how Santa has zebra instead of reindeer. She was really starting to doubt herself but stuck to her guns."
"Well, I was driving one day and lo and behold, a f**king zebra grazing in the field. Turns out a zoo sometimes lets them roam around there. When I told my sister she felt vindicated."-greybruce1980
"I stayed over a church friend's house when I was 8ish. He said he had a little sister but my parents and I never saw her at church or anything. My Mom said it was probably imaginary."
"At night I walked in the wrong room and saw a teenage girl in a crib, dressed like a baby."
"I told my Mom, I told my friends, I told whoever I could but no one believe me."-Bullydaddy
"I am going to share something my grandma told me that she saw, because it is so f**king weird and I have never heard anything like this before in my life."
"My grandma and her cousin were walking on a country road in Oklahoma, sometime in the 1940s. They saw a strange figure float up over a hill up ahead about half a football field away. She said it appeared 2 dimensional and it was roughly the size of a cow."
"It was white and was composed of geometric shapes. It had a rectangular body, with no legs (it floated). It had a square head at one end with two little triangle ears and little slit looking eyes. No nose or mouth that she could see."
"When the figure rose up over the hill, my grandma and her cousin froze in terror. The thing froze, too. They all just stood there staring at each other for a moment."
"Then its head floated to the opposite end of its body and it floated back in the direction it came from. Her cousin corroborates her story, but it's just very strange to me."
"I believe that they saw something weird, but I'm not sure I'm convinced that a weird two dimensional demon cow is out there floating around in Oklahoma somewhere."-Traditional_Self_658
These moments quite literally took the breath out of people.
My Brother The Flash
"When we were ten years old, all of my cousins and siblings were playing hide and seek in the dark in the middle of a park. When someone gets found, you join the seeker to look for people, but you can't tell them where they are."
"I was the seeker and I had just found one of my cousins, so we were walking around and looking for the rest. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone that looked exactly like my brother run past us at inhuman speed."
"I turned to look at my cousin and he had admitted that he saw the same thing. We found my brother later in the round, but he was at the other side of the park. Nobody believes either of us but both of us still remember it."-PainfullyQuietAnger
A Semi-Aquatic Struggle
"A few years back I saw a capybara in my front yard (in Alabama). NO ONE believed me because by the time I came back with my phone he was gone."
"The best I got was a, 'I guess it might have been a capybara' after a local man was found to have his own exotic animal collection less than three miles away."
"Other animals I saw in that yard: an emu and two bison. I must have lived pretty close to that dude's land."-itsJussaMe
He Was A Slime Zombie!
"When I was little, maybe 7, the son of a lady who babysat my brother and I, cut his leg on our swing set. Green goo came out of his leg."
"I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the type of bolt it was, the cover is was missing to prevent cuts. I'm a dentist now (taken gross anatomy, dissected a human body, routinely in the OR for resections of crazy head and neck tumors)."
"With the exception of gross infections, I've never seen green goo come out of someone. Let alone a healthy leg. It will never make sense to me. Ever."-DrCJHenley
The moments that stop us in our tracks are the moments that we and we alone experience. Nobody can believe us--and in a way, perhaps nobody should. Perhaps, for some reason, we were meant to see and process these moments alone.
But then again, wouldn't it be nice to get confirmation that the world is as strange as you believe it to be?
Scandals and gossip are the bread and butter of small towns, where nothing much really happens, and any small faux pas can turn into a misstep everyone in town will remember for the next decade.
Sometimes, though, truly remarkable things happen in small towns. Whether it's a spectacular crime such as a murder or a politician embezzling town funds, or simply some bizarre event that nobody could explain, it'll definitely end up in the local paper.
There's not much to do in small towns, after all.
Reddit user meepmeep_4 asked:
Murder and Mayhem
"Probably the Brown's Chicken Massacre, where 7 people were murdered at the restaurant over a robbery. Case was cold for 9 years until the girlfriend on one of the murderers went to the police that he had confessed to her. He and his friend were eventually convicted through DNA and a confession."
Sex Ed Failed This Guy
"Back in the 80s, during my senior year one guy in my high school class got 4 girls pregnant in a month long period. None of the girls were his girlfriend. The guy and his family left town during the middle of the night soon after that."
"Mayor and several city councillors were taking kickbacks and bribes from demolition/construction/cleaning companies for clean up contracts after a hurricane, funded by FEMA."
"The companies would give the mayor and city councillors like a couple grand, then the company would get FEMA funds in the tens of thousands to clean up/destroy a hurricane damaged property, only the address given to FEMA and listed on the contract were fake, or already cleared, so the companies got paid to do nothing."
Maybe DARE Wasn't the Best Idea
"DARE officer selling drugs that were evidence."
"Ha! There's an officer in my town who did the same thing. Spoke at DARE things but then gets busted selling weed from the evidence locker."
"Buddy's uncle got busted by our very small town DARE officer with a LB of weed in his trunk. At his court appearance his charges were for a half LB, since his jail time was going to be the same (not his first intent to distribute charge) he had his lawyer inform the judge of the discrepancy, which launched an investigation and a conviction of the DARE officer."
Medical Ethics Violations Across the Board
"There was an anesthetist, who worked at our local hospital and another hospital in a different town. He was rather well known among other doctors and known to be good at what he was doing. He only had a small problem with being addicted to pain killers and anaesthetics."
"So to feed his addiction without getting caught he shot up part of his patients' drugs before injecting the same needle into his patient."
"Thus went unnoticed until it was discovered that over 60 of his patients got infected with hepatitis. And that he was the source for it."
"He was fired and his license revoked as far as I know. But the hospital's image still suffered quite a bit."
From Tragic to Worse
"I'm from a very small town in Canada. Very quiet, nothing big ever came up and it was a fairly tight-knit community. One day, and explosion went off in an apartment building. A 23 yr old, single mother (who also happens to be a quadriplegic) was killed instantly."
"The case was eventually solved, the explosion was a gift-wrapped piped bomb left by her former financial adviser. He squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars from her and was convicted for it, he was then released on bail and then left the bomb."
"I’m originally from a down called Hyde, a few miles outside Manchester. Unfortunately, Hyde is famous for Harold Shipman, the once trusted GP who killed elderly patients by overdosing them with diamorphine. My grandma’s neighbour (Jack) was one of his many victims. (Side note: he also did my mum’s ultrasound when she was pregnant with me!). RIP Jack, you were a wonderful man."
"Harold Shipman has the highest confirmed body count of any serial killer on Wikipedia. There are worse monsters out there, but they're war criminals, terrorists and democidal governments..."
Very Comic Book Villain
"Was outside on my driveway playing basketball and multiple helicopters flew overhead. My friend in another neighborhood over texted me saying they evacuated all of the houses on her road and there were fbi or bomb squad agents or something there. Later found out some guy on the street tried to taint the town's water supply with blowfish venom and kill everyone."
Smuggling, But Not What You'd Expect
"I love in a Canadian border town. This police officer, nice as hell, that my grandmother cleaned for would gift her things, and seemed to have alot more money than your average cop. She would get wine, cheese, and other things. The most gifted item however, was cheese."
"Now, at the same time, there was a pizza place down the street from my house. The owners lived a couple doors down, and I was friends with their son, and the parents were pretty cool as far as neighbours go."
"They also had alot of money, for owning a pizza place in decline. After a bit, things got serious. I would see undercover police sitting at the end of my street in my way home from school nearly every day. They weren't very incognito, but neither were the pizza place owners."
"Eventually though, things came crashing down. A whole bunch of cops and restaurant owners were taken to jail in the largest cheese bust the town has ever known."
"That's right. Cheese."
"The price of cheese in Canada is ridiculous, so a few members of the police department decided to use their abilities to smuggle it across the border."
"They would go across, buy all the cheap, good quality stuff they could get, then use their badge to get back across, as the border patrol and cops all know eachother, so the chance of them paying duty was 0%."
"Anyways, that was the big scandal in the town. You can probably look it up if you search for cheese smugglers, or cheese scandal."
Zebras on the Run
"A group of zebras escaped a local, legal habitat and have been roaming the suburbs. It’s been weeks and they still haven’t been caught."
While most people think of small towns as boring places where nothing ever happens, they're often the place where the weirdest and most tragic stuff happens.
The rest of the world may just never hear about it.
"How does someone so sexy be so damn repulsive, babe?" is one of my favorite lyrics from one of my favorite criminally underrated TV shows, Star. It's from the song Ain't About What You Got (a song which was originally for Ariana Grande, so it's got some vocal leaps) - which basically is the soundtrack to this article.
(Honestly, since Brittany O'Grady is having a moment right now, I'm hoping people will go back and watch. It's got a convoluted plot/dope soundtrack combo, Queen Latifah, multiple murders, some of the strongest hoop earring game ever put on screen and a series ending that made me want to flip tables. It was like Sopranos but with Black & Brown people and the music industry.)
Reddit user rock4lite asked:
Now listen, I'm not gonna tell you to go grab a notebook or the voice note app on your phone because you're about to get some mind-blowing new knowledge.
Most of this boils down to Wheaton's Law.
"Meme Level Advice"Channel 9 Brush GIF by Married At First Sight AustraliaGiphy
"People do not understand how much basic hygiene can make a difference."
"I've been told by incels on this site that 'brushing your teeth, wearing clean clothes that fit, and having good posture is meme level advice and none of that matters.' "
"Well, let me tell you that the folks that actually get in my pants don't think that's meme-level advice. Basics, like clothes that fit and non-stinky breath, can go so far in making anybody way more attractive and approachable!" - LikelyNotABanana
"They consider it meme-level advice because that's what everyone constantly tells them, because they desperately need to do it. If they didn't keep brushing it off dismissively people probably wouldn't say it so often."
"If you ask someone for dating advice and they even mention these things, you absolutely need to do them. I have NEVER heard that said to anyone except to gently suggest they need to wash their ass and not dress like a slob."
"If their argument is 'i dId tHoSe tHiNgS bUt i sTiLl cAnT gEt a dAtE,' they're deliberately ignoring the fact that those things are the bare minimum and that they will still need to put in effort beyond that. Dating advice goes into far more detail elsewhere. No one is even pretending that basic hygiene is a silver bullet to getting laid."
"If someone's dating advice to you starts there, it's because YOU need to start there." - xxpen15mightierxx
Let People TalkDeep Breath Sigh GIF by MOODMANGiphy
"Speaking over me or others, it's not hard to be polite" - n3rd365
"The men of my boyfriend's family all do this constantly."
"I'm not sure it's possible to speak an entire sentence while having dinner with them. It's so discouraging."
"I've always felt very bad for his mother, being the only woman, and never being heard by her own sons/husband." - assortedolives
"I came here to say this. Speaking loud in general is unattractive to me - then when it's OVER someone else, it makes it so much worse." - SunyBunny420
"This is huge for me. I met my current boo because my date brought him along."
"Date kept speaking over his friend and me. The friend was a good listener and great conversationalist. I ditched my date for his friend and we've been together 3+ years." - karmabuchamama
Ex FactorSeason 1 Nbc GIF by The Good PlaceGiphy
"When someone seems to only have 'crazy exes' ... you should run away before the sentence is over." - lurkinarick
"Honestly, bashing multiple exes at any time (there should be zero bashing for the first several dates because honestly idk you well enough & will just assume you're a dude who plays victim 24/7)."
"Once I've gotten to know you better it's okay to open up about a bad relationship or two- but frankly you should be able to not get overly emotional about it (like don't resort to name-calling or mean-spiritedness) or else I'm gonna assume you have not dealt with the fallout."
"I never trust a guy who acts like he's a 'crazy magnet.' Dude, you're the common denominator here, not them." - Crankylosaurus
"A guy once said 'you can't polish a turd' about his ex/kid's mom during a pre-date video chat. I was so put off that I cancelled the date almost immediately after." - science_v_romance
Cruel Is Not CoolRhony GIFGiphy
"Being mean to appear cool." - azcntn
"I know this dude who is like a solid ten in all departments. I constantly joke that he's gonna steal my man, my mom, and the f*cking cats too."
"But the other day he was sharing his rebound stories and kept talking about he was gonna 'break hearts' and 'ruin her.' "
"I was like...bro eeeeew never let a woman hear you say that. You just turned into a sack of potatoes!" - RunanD
Pinnochiodisney classic GIFGiphy
"I remember I dated someone who would just lie to make himself sound cool."
"I remember I realized it when his coworker was telling a hilarious story that I thought happened to my boyfriend. I instantly had this pit in my stomach. Biggest turn off." - makopinktaco
"There's nothing worse. Especially when there's a certain crowd or situation that brings it out. Like chill bro it's not a competition." - Coyote__Jones
"Yes. There was man I thought I was the most solid and reliable and hot as f*ck dude I'd ever met…I found out he'd been lying to me for a long time and it didn't take long for me to be turned off by him."
"Now I see his face and where I used to get all bothered (in a good way) I now just am annoyed and the word 'Coward' flashes across my brain."
"he knew lying was the only way I'd even meet him for coffee to date him. Had he been honest at first I'd never had met him for coffee, much less integrate him into my life, have each other's kids become family to one another, etc."
"He could've chosen to be honest after the initial meeting, too. Instead, he chose continually to omit info, and then as we got to know each other he had to lie more and more to keep me in the dark and maintain his original lie, and then he started lying to to cover other things up (things that were different than the initial lie but rooted in the same kind of bad behavior he consistently engages in.)"
"And then when our conversations about our histories and exes got to a point where he clearly needed to be honest and there was no more hiding to be done, he would suddenly go cold shoulder and stop being supportive of me. Eventually he resorted to gaslighting and subtle psychological abuse in order to make me shut up and not ask him questions, and so he could just keep seeing and flirting with his exes behind my back off and on."
"Nope. Never again." - Logical_Director_280
Table Mannersthe lion king simba GIFGiphy
"I remember a date I had with a guy almost 25 years ago."
"I remember it because we went out to eat at a local pizza restaurant. In the time it took me to eat half a slice, he had vacuumed up the rest of the pie which included loud, open-mouth chewing and belching."
"Chunks of food landed on his shirt. There were snuffling sounds as he shoved food down his maw. I don't remember anything else about that night but his disgusting method of eating. Total deal killer."
"I saw one of our mutual friends last year and she mentioned him. She told me he was heartbroken I never went out with him again and took it really hard at the time."
"I wasn't mean or anything and I never knew he felt so strongly about me. Absolutely no clue."
"But if that was the case, then that means he was probably on his best behavior that night. I can't imagine what worse manners might have come out if I'd seen him again." - DemonaDrache
"Friend of mine went on a date with a bloke in Uni who ordered pulled pork, and ate it like he'd not been fed in months. The moment my friend realized it wasn't going to work was when the guy looked up at him, and he had a smear of BBQ sauce on his forehead like Simba in the Lion King." - TheeAJPowell
Alpha AwfulnessSchitts Creek Ok GIF by CBCGiphy
"Anything related to "alpha male" bull."
"If you tell me you're an 'alpha male' I will assume you have no personality, low self-esteem, are rude, abrasive, self-involved, and terrible in bed." - WrongRedditKronk
"I once had a dude I was actually kind of interested in refer to himself as an "apex sexual predator." I was no longer interested." - newyne
"Last week, I finally mustered up the courage to strike up a conversation with my gym crush after months of glances and smiles."
"He shared his Instagram, which was 'alphamale(his name).' Got over the crush so fast, there was some head-rush." - Biaatchandahalf
Glory DaysSeth Meyers Smoking GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"Talking about how hot they used to be like this coworker of mine does."
" 'I used to bike 10 miles a day, do 200 pushups in one go, and I even used to have that V cut, you know...down there.' "
"I'm just trying to send this email, Doug. Please leave me alone." - After-Collar-4582
"This is hilarious."
" 'So I'm not hot but I used to be which means I stopped putting work into myself and you should find that attractive.' "
"WHAT????" - refrainsfrompartakin
"Oh my god, people bragging about how fit they used to be is so obnoxious. Like cool, I used to have breakfast but I ate it." - rileytrodd
"A guy I went to college with would tell anyone who'd listen that he was a swimmer in high school and kept a close up photo of his abs on his phone."
"I can't tell you the number of times I've said, 'Yeah, you've already shown me that photo. Good for you.' " - Justaregularderp
Break Stuff!destroy that 70s show GIF by LaffGiphy
'Being destructive particularly when other dudes or other people are near by. Breaking things on purpose, hitting things that shouldn't be hit like walls or windows or destroying other people's art/property."
"It doesn't make you cool or strong it makes you a wasteful jerk I won't invite back into my life ever again."
"Mostly this came from stories from friends about their friends, stuff I've seen online and personal experiences with my brother."
"I was the only girl in a group of 5 guys when I was like 8 or 9 and all of them were super destructive when they all got together. Otherwise they were great."
"I had a crush on one of them but he was being destructive (I don't remember what he broke) and I quit liking him."
"Also my ex boyfriend's 'friend' destroyed a lot of his stuff, and he'd let him. Including a painting I made my ex for his 16th birthday."
"I was really proud of it and if he didn't want it he could have sent it back." - LessEnthusiasmPlz
Long story short, just calm down, relax, and be cool.
I believe in y'all!