Waiters Divulge The Worst Valentine's Day Disasters They've Ever Witnessed At Their Restaurant
Valentine's Day is here! While there's nothing we love more than the unification of two souls, embraced in a romance that will most definitely stand the test of time, we certainly love an ol' fashioned awkward date story where everything that can go wrong does go wrong.
Fortunately, we have the people most up close and personal to tell us the juicy details.
Reddit user, u/Hamsternoir, wanted to hear:
Just Keep Going Like Nothing's Wrong
I saw a couple have a full blown argument in the middle of the restaurant. The woman stood up, took her ring off, threw it at him and walked out. The man continued his meal, had dessert and then paid the bill, left a pretty big tip for the inconvenience and left!
At Least She Was Quiet?
Every year in my city, there's a big wine expo. One year it happened to fall on valentine's weekend and the expo was being hosted about half a mile away from where I worked at the time. Anyway, most of the couples who came in for dinner that night already had purple mouths, but one couple in particular was so gone that the wife spent the entire dinner with her head in her husband's lap, apparently quietly vomiting. They ended up paying and leaving halfway thru their meal and we found the wife's nice vomit surprise after they left.
To make matters worse, where they were sitting was a larger U shaped banquet meant to seat parties of 8 during regular service, but since it was valentines day, it was converted to two 2-tops. So of course we couldn't seat either table for the rest of the night until it was properly cleaned. Thank god the restaurant was a pooled house or i would have been way more peeved. Definitely made for a memorable vday
Annnnnnnd They're Gone
I'm not a waitress but was a delivery driver for pizza hut and 2 years ago this guy answers the door after putting instructions saying to write "I love you, ____". I get to the door and say, "Happy valentines day, this must be one special lady" but he opens the door sad and says, " I tried cancelling this order but you had already left". Still paid for the order and tipped me and I left.
Just A No-Win Situation From All Fronts
my restaurant used to make you sign a contract that you'd be out in an hour since we cooked the food in front of you & the time management was REALLY important for the kitchen; Valentine's Day was the #1 day for business.
We were basically triple booked (one reservation after the other after the other... everyone needs to be out on time) at every table for the night; most of the restaurant was adjusted into 2-tops to accommodate so it truly felt crowded & loud; i don't know how people didn't expect the restaurant to be busy.
the time crunch was a lot of pressure for me as a server, but there were some couples that genuinely would blame the restaurant for "ruining their experience" [by getting their food out too quickly] & try to get a refund. when they wouldn't get a refund, because they clearly signed a contract & we agreed to get their food out on time, they would just fight more, then blame the restaurant for their fighting.
oh boy. i loved Valentine's Day.
The Longest Three Hours Of Our Lives
A perfectly nice date. Then out of nowhere they stopped talking...for three hours.
Then started a big fight, who has to pay and that she didn't even want to come and that he is tired of her sh-t. She runs out crying, he's yelling after her "I'm not paying!". Lovely.
Last year I started working at a restaurant. [A] man had called in asking for a reservation. The next day he came in and sat down. After entrees he ordered a dessert and when it came out it had a "Will you marry me?" written on it. [The] woman yelled at him saying "Why would you do it like this? Such a lame way."
She destroyed the desert and ran out of the building.
This Is Why We Have Calendars On Our Phones
The free entertainment some waiters and waitresses get on this special holiday is pretty unforgettable. When I was a waitress, I had to work part of Valentine's Day at a restaurant & bar, and I'll never forget one encounter in particular. A middle-aged guy came into the restaurant already buzzed, and he demanded a booth. Since he had a reservation, the hostess seated him in a booth, and after he sat down, I brought him some menus. He kept anxiously looking at the door and his watch every few minutes. I asked him if he wanted to wait to order until his other guest arrived, and he laughed and said "oh yes, I'll wait, and then someone else may come by later, but I'm not sure yet." At first, I didn't think much of this, but later on, everything clicked.
The guy's date eventually showed up, and by that point, he was ready to order, so he quickly asked for more alcoholic drinks and appetizers. I brought the couple their food and drinks, and a few minutes into their meal comes another woman dressed all fancy, and she walks right up to the same guy in the booth. She gives him the most surprised face I've seen in years, looks angrily at the girl, and then slaps the guy straight in the face. She swore at him and huffed out of the restaurant. Several seconds later, the original date stood up, splashed the guy's cocktail on his lap, and stormed out of the restaurant.
I was shocked at how everything escalated so quickly, but I felt bad for the two ladies. When I went back to the table to see if the guy wanted anything else before giving him his check, he laughed and told me that he probably shouldn't have scheduled two Valentine's Day dates at the same restaurant, but oh well. I hope these two ladies found a honest and loyal significant other after that fiasco!
"Putting ALL The goods out there."
I was waiting on a table and it was a date for Vday which also happened to be their first marriage anniversary. The girl was beautiful. Tall and blond and was a collegiate vb player. Her husband a handsome military dude. They were fine during dinner and having some drinks, but the girl took what she thought was her allergy pill ended up being her ambien.
She was 4 whiskeys deep at this point and when it kicked in she literally fell asleep sitting there, smacked her forehead on the table as she fell out of the booth and landed on the floor, her red dress hiked up in a bit of a spread eagle type display while having been rolling commando for the evening. Putting ALL the goods out there.
Her husband, took it in stride and asked for a hand getting her out to their car.
Seriously. This Is Why We Have Calendars On Our Phones. There's No Excuse.
Former bartender here (not a waiter, I know).
Saw a couple come in. The guy was super nervous and the girl was super hot. They sat at a table and just ordered waters from the barmaid. Their talking got heated (I couldn't hear it over the music), and then she tossed the water on him and stormed out.
Guy walked over and said he'd just broken up with his girlfriend and could be borrow a towel.
I asked him why he chose to break up with her on Valentine's Day.
He looked at me. Looked at the door. And then said "oh sh-t. No wonder she was so pissed."
F-cking idiot. I poured him beers all night, but I never gave him an ounce of sympathy.
Really Staying On Top Of Things
ONce had a call from a guy on the 15th asking to make a reservation for valentines day. I pointed out it was the 15th and he was a day late. He responded saying that yes he knows, and his wife suggested he better not forget next year.
One Is Bad Enough, But Two?
Two failed marriage proposals on the same Valentine's Day.
The first one simply said "no I can't do this," and walked out.
The second one stared like a deer frozen in the headlights for an excruciating 30 seconds before muttering "let's talk about this later." They stayed for the rest of their 6-course V-day special dinner, eating and making painful small talk.
Awww, That's So HEY Where Are They Going?
It wasn't disastrous for the couple as much as it was the restaurant. I used to work at a small southeastern franchise restaurant, it wasn't anything you could mistake for upscale. We had someone call in and ask if we could fry the ring he was planning to propose with in a hush puppy. Extremely weird request, but we said sure.
They come in to eat with their families, she gets her order of hush puppies, doesn't choke on the ring and seems excited enough. Stayed at the table for about two hours total and chatted.
They dined and dashed.
Not Off To The Best Start
not really a disaster but this guy came in and said he was waiting for his date, he stayed for 5 hours waiting and she never showed, he eventually ordered for for himself and asked that I remove the other glass of water from the table, he said it was their first date
Sometimes, It Just Doesn't Work Out
Not a TOTAL disaster, but still not good.
Had a table of two people, probably in their mid 40s last year. Took 45 minutes for this couple to get their entrees due to our kitchen being way too slammed. When they were dropped at the table, they immediately asked for to-go boxes because they told their babysitter they'd be home by a certain time. I overheard the wife say "well I guess this is why we don't celebrate Valentine's Day". The worst part was that they weren't angry, just... very sad.
My personal feelings about dining out on Valentine's Day aside, I felt so horrible that this couple clearly had put in an effort to have a nice night with each other only to have it go that way. (We comp'd their meals, btw).
Tell Us How You Really Feel
Saw a couple have a full on argument at a restaurant. I wasn't their server but the table was directly in the center of the restaurant and they were certainly loud enough for everyone to hear. My manager kindly asked them to leave and the guys response was to yell "I've been wanting to do that sh-t for 2 years now" and stormed out
This One Was Personal
I was working as a waitress in a Sushi restaurant and Valentine's Day was an all-hands-on-deck shift. This guy I had just started seeing wanted to go out, but I told him that working in food service, you never get Valentine's Day off and we'd just have to celebrate the day after or the weekend after.
Nope. He got so upset that he went and asked a different girl out, came to the restaurant I worked at on V-Day and sat in MY SECTION. He then proceeded to spend the entire evening making a fool out of himself and making his date uncomfortable as he tried to make me jealous.
Needless to say we didn't go out again. Ever.
Everything Was Wrong
Back when I served food at one of those super touristy seafood restaurants, I worked a Valentine's Day double shift. For lunch, this younger couple came in celebrating their one year anniversary. I offer my congratulations and proceed to do my usual spiel before taking orders. The girl is looking more and more dismayed the longer I talk. Finally I get to the end and ask if there are any allergies. She looks directly at her boyfriend and states, "yes I'm allergic to fish and shellfish." Then looks over at me very sad.
I made sure every aspect of her meal was fine for her. But It was that look of "we've been dating a year and he still takes me to a restaurant that could kill me" that really did it for me.
Happened to my poor co-worker;
A guy and his date came in for Valentines Day. They had a great time, ate a lot of food, drank a lot of wine, and got along really well with my co-worker who was their server.
About two months later they come back in and request my co-worker again, who happily says yes to serving them. He goes up and greets them, the guy introduces his wife to him, and my co-worker mentions something about how much he enjoyed serving them on Valentines Day. They go quiet. Wife gets up and leaves, guy just lowers his head.
Turns out he had brought his mistress in on Valentines Day, but my co-worker didn't realize he was with a different woman this time around so didn't think anything of it. We never saw the guy again.
"He paid and left in tears."
He proposed, she said no. He cried and tried to change her mind for 20 minutes while she sat there stony-faced. She finally got up and walked out.
He paid and left in tears.
Salt And Lemon On The Wound
Not really much of a disaster, but last year my work called me up, "hey buddy, we know you're single, can you come in as an extra shift tonight?"
Hey, That's Not So...Bad.
A 16 year old boy proposed to a 15 year old girl with a cheap ring in the whipped cream of her dessert.
She said yes.
Or Did You Come At The Exact Right Time?
I walked up to a table and was about to drop off the bill, caught the end of "it's over." Guy looked at me dead in the eye and said to "split that f-ckin check, right now."
Too Cliché To Laugh At
It was like a movie. I was bartending at an italian restaurant (not a fancy one, but still) and it's pretty much full of valentines dates. A guy walks in and sits at the bar by himself, looking pretty down. He asked for a whiskey, so I poured it, told him it was on the house because he looked like he needed it. He proceeds to tell me his story:
he had come to the city to surprise his girlfriend for Valentines (about a 5 hr bus trip between cities) and he sure surprised her. She was in her dorm room f***ing one of his friends from high school. He didn't know what to do, so he just walked into the first place that sold alcohol. I spilled as much whiskey as he wanted and watched the raptors with him. Never saw him again.
It's cliche, but it happened.
Reddit user FunChemical3182 asked: 'What is the weirdest animal fact you know?'
People accumulate facts throughout life on a wide variety of subjects.
Some are mundane while others are weird, wild or wonderful.
One subject a lot of people focus on is animals. Most people have a favorite animal that fascinates them that they want to know all about.
Reddit user FunChemical3182 asked:
"What is the weirdest animal fact you know?"
"Platypus glow blueish green under ultraviolet light."
"They also don’t have nipples, they just exude milk from glands under the skin and the baby’s lap it up."
"They have electrolocation in their bills that lets them detect their food under water."
"And they lay eggs."
"The more I find out about them the more I understand why people first thought they were fake."
"After seeing all these platypus facts I am convinced these things are aliens that have been abandoned on Earth."
"Mantis Shrimp have 16 different sets of cones. Rods and cones are in your eyes. Cones see color, rods see light and motion."
"Dogs have 2 sets of cones—green and blue. Humans have 3 sets of cones—green, blue and red."
"Mantis Shrimp are seeing colors we can't comprehend and explains why they're very colorful."
"That’s not even the strangest thing about them."
"They can also punch as fast as a .22 bullet which cause a cavitation bubble which boils the water around them at temperatures of several thousand Kelvins."
"Cats have the mental capacity of a 2-year-old which makes a lot of sense."
~ Alive_Ad823Cats Dragging GIFGiphy
"When a female sloth wants a mate she'll hang onto a tree branch and just scream."
Good Thing They're So Small
"Dragonflies are the most successful predators on Earth."
"When lions choose prey they have like a 10% chance of catching it."
"African painted dogs—who hunt in packs—have the highest kill rate of any mammal, successfully catching 51% of their prey."
"When a dragonfly locks onto a target, it has a 99.9% success rate!"
On A Swivel
"Owls have really long necks, but it's hard to notice that because their feathers are so fluffy."
What About Cousin It?
"Sea otters are the most densely furred animal with 600,000 to 1,000,000 hair follicles per square inch."
"Dogs have about 15,000 per square inch, humans on average are between 800 to 1,290 hairs per square inch."
Or Two Sets Of Twins
"Armadillos always have offspring as quadruplets."
"Octopus punch other fish for no reason—so, for fun."
"There's a direct correlation between species' intelligence and dickish behavior."
Looks Are Deceiving
"Polar bear fur isn't white—it's translucent (for most frequencies of light). And they have black skin underneath."
"So polar bear fur lets all the light through to their black skin to warm them—except for a few visible frequencies to keep them camouflaged as white."
Who's Going To Attack One‽‽
"Honey badgers can turn their a**holes inside out and use the smell to deter attackers."
"Not sure what exactly has the guts to attack a honey badger, but if they have the courage to do so, the badger sure as hell isn’t gonna make it easy."
"The Blanket Octopus exhibits the highest degree of sexual dimorphism known."
"Females: About 6 feet across."
"Males: About one inch."
"Dolphins will intentionally use puffer fish to get high."
"They upset blowfish so they inflate, and therefore emit poison. It gets the dolphins high. Then they pass it around, literally."
"Not just the dolphins. I recently saw a video about 10 animals that like to get high. Very interesting."
"Lemurs do that with giant centipedes/millipedes too."
Fabrizio Frigeni on Unsplash
Better Than Bike Helmets
"Woodpeckers' tongues wrap around their brains to cushion them from the vibrations of slamming their face into trees all day."
"Their tongues also have barbs to grab bugs out of the holes."
"Their brains have additional cushioning because, you know, they spend their days smashing their face as hard as possible into trees."
"Argonauts [paper nautili] are small octopuses that are too lazy to have intercourse."
"They detach their penises and toss them into the open sea to mate with female argonauts."
"The detachable 'd*ck' is a tiny tentacle, complete with suckers and sperm, that develops in a cavity under the eye of a male argonaut [paper nautilus]."
"When it's time to mate, the tentacle explodes out of the cavity, instantly killing the male argonaut. The tentacle then swims towards a female argonaut to insert itself."
What's your favorite weird animal fact?
Content Warning: Mental Health, Suicide, Domestic Violence
We all know that we technically can't make anyone else do anything, and we certainly can't "fix" other people. Other people will only change or do something if they choose to; the only person we can really control is ourselves.
But some people really love to try, often to hilarious and terrible results.
Already cringing, Redditor Dapper_Algae6280 asked:
"People who entered a relationship thinking 'I can fix them,' how did that go?"
Time for an Upgrade
"There is a weird thing that happens when you 'fix' someone. They tend to think if you liked them broken, then they deserve better than you now that they are better than they were."
"As horrible as it sounds, to have a happy, emotionally healthy relationship you need two happy, emotionally healthy people. If you want to be in that sort of relationship, you need to fix yourself first."
"This right here. After three sh*tty relationships in a row, I realized this is a me problem. I took a few years off from dating to reflect and really learn to see red flags and understand myself so I wouldn't make that mistake again."
No More Spark
"My now ex had PTSD, depression, and a variety of other issues she claimed. After two and a half years of dating (being my first and only relationship), she became more social, less suicidal, and overall happier as a person."
"She decided to cheat on me with someone else due to 'lack of communication' and us 'no longer having a spark". The irony."
"For context, we were 17 at the time, in high school, and I worked full-time hours with initiatives to hang out, which were refused. Red flags everywhere."
"Your situation is eerily similar to mine, what the f**k?"
"I met a girl with mental and emotional issues and decided to fix them through a healthy relationship. She recovered and found someone else because 'the spark was gone.'"
Misery Loves Company
"Now we are both broken."
"The same thing happened to my sister-in-law. She married a very negative and miserable guy while saying 'he will get better' or 'we’re working on it,' and now she’s a very negative and miserable person."
Getting to Watch a Partner Grow
"At first we were only f**king. I don't know if I ever thought I could fix her, but I did fall in love with this beautiful lady with severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues after being in a domestically violent relationship."
"We were f**k buddies for about six months and I got a glimpse of her issues but I still went ahead and asked her to be my girlfriend The heart wants what it wants."
"We dated for a year and a half (two years since meeting), and I actually got to see her at her worst a few times, but I was finally able to get her therapy with a great psychiatrist and treatment, this is when I asked her to move in with me. We've been living together for six years."
"Four years ago, she had the worst breakdown I've seen. She went full-on paranoid, wall-scratching nervous, she was even doubting me and my motives to be there. It was a very difficult week, and she left the house and went to her mom's house in the middle of the night."
"Eventually, her therapist was able to get a hold of her and get her back to her senses. Her doctor then suggested that I also should go to a counselor or at the very least we should do couples therapy so we had strong bases for our relationship and we did."
"I now look back and won't change her for anything in the world, she has grown so much, and she glows right now. I now see her smile and it's glorious. She's achieved a great position too and it's amazing just to see how much happier she looks."
Not a Match
"I fixed what I wanted to fix, but that still didn't make us right for each other. In the end, I think she's in a much happier place than she could have been, so I think it was worth the time invested."
"We were wrong for each other, but at least we both came out better positioned to receive the happiness that would come to us later."
In Their Nature
"A couple of months into the relationship, I fixed him."
"After some irritation, he stopped peeing on the carpet. Now, my cat still brings mice, but I guess, that's just his nature."
The Importance of Boundaries
"I don't know if I would say that I 'fixed' her (and I wasn’t trying to), but I definitely taught my last ex the importance of being able to set boundaries and to stop going out of her way to please people who consistently hurt her."
"Eventually this would lead to us breaking up, but I have no regrets. I have issues of my own that were wearing her down and she did what she had to. Same rules apply. We’re both better off because of it."
Happily Ever After
"She fixed herself and I fixed myself with each other's support, and we are living happily ever after, it seems, with ongoing work on ourselves and our relationship."
An Uncommon Ending
"I didn’t fix them. But I tried my hardest to be patient and supportive while they fixed themself. Sometimes I was better at support than other times. Sometimes they were better at fixing than other times."
"It ended up being worth the patience. Things have been great with us for years now. I know this isn’t the normal outcome though, and I feel incredibly lucky."
A Little Help from Our Friends
"Usually I'm the one people try to fix.. I think the repeated attempts definitely helped me. Now my current partner gets to enjoy the previous hard work."
"...I think I just got tired of hurting the people who love me and fixed myself, though."
All Their Idea
"You can't fix anyone. You can only fix yourself, but if you really want to try and fix someone, you have to make it seem like it's their idea."
A Helping Hand
"I don't think you can fix anyone. You can only help them fix themselves, which is very different."
"If someone is actively trying to fix themselves, and you can actually be the person to support them through it, then it can work, but it could also not work."
"I do think there should be a distinction between the two. I mean, trying to fix someone is a bad idea, but if you like someone and are willing to support them in their journey to fix themselves, it's probably not the worst idea in the world."
"It went so well that they managed to cure me of the desire to 'fix' anybody."
"I’ll toss you a life preserver if you’re trying to save yourself. But I’m not jumping in the water with anyone so they can drown me on their way out."
"People who need to hit rock bottom in order to better themselves will use you to soften their landing if you let them."
Best Friends Forever
"It went well but it didn’t work out."
"So we kind of fixed each other we were both at very weird points in our lives and we only dated for about one and a half years. We didn’t need a romantic partner but we did need a friend in each other."
"We’re both in better places now and the best of friends. We both want each other to be part of our lives just not as lovers."
"All and all, I say we got the best outcomes in our lives."
So Worth the Investment
"He was an Uber driver with only a high school diploma."
"I married him anyways and bankrolled his education because he was fun as f**k to be around, was the smartest person I’ve ever met, and loves me like I’m the only woman on Earth."
"Now, he’s a computer engineer and we are landlords together and have bought investment properties. We are very happy together."
"Partners work together to create success. I think selfish people ask, 'what’s in it for me?' Marriage is about selflessness."
"I’m glad I sacrificed for his education. His mind would be wasted otherwise and he’s a genius."
In most of these cases, the situation went poorly after a Redditor tried to change someone, and for good reason. If that person isn't ready or doesn't want to be fixed, it's only going to damage the relationship.
There's also something to be said about unconditional love. If you don't want to date the person exactly as who they are right now, why are you even trying to date them?
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Tough guys put on a facade that indicates to others that they always know what's going on.
But their confidence doesn't always match their intellect, which is probably why they cover their insecurities by walking around and trying to show everyone who's really the boss.
If that's the case, they should keep their mouths shut because not everything that comes out of their mouth needs to be heard.
Yet, it can be amusing to everyone else.
Curious to hear examples of these, Redditor PrototypeShadowBlitz asked:
"Reddit, what is the stupidest thing you've heard from the 'alpha male' community?"
You might find these guys at a bar.
The Dude Must Be Hungry
"Had a run in once with a group of young lads about something in a bar and one of them said we are top of the food chain bro and you will be the prey."
"'Whatever, mall ninja" -proper response."
If The Shoe Fits
"That they were an alpha male."
"The use of 'Alpha Male,' unironically is every indication that you're dealing with a child's understanding of manhood."
"Me and my bros are all alpha males."
"I was skiing one time and rode the lift with a guy that said, 'I don't feel no pain. I live with 5 roommates and none of us feel any pain.' Okay, bud. That's a really interesting coincidence."
They sure thrive on making sexist comments.
"A coworker said, 'I don't spend too much time with my girlfriend because I'll become too feminine.'"
"FELLAS IS IT GAY?!"
"I have been called a beta for saying that my wife makes more money than I do. She works in a more lucrative field and is more educated than I am, so it makes perfect sense that she makes more than I do."
"So I came back, and this post has really blown up. There's just a few things I want to clarify."
"1- I have only ever been called a beta online."
"2- I work full-time in project management. I have a master's degree. I have a 6 figure salary."
"3- My wife has a PhD and works in finance. She also has a 6 figure salary, it's just a higher salary than my own."
"4- I'm sorry to anyone who might feel as though my original post misled them."
"A real man would be proud of his wife for achieving success, and not fall for that sort of insecure bullsh*t."
"It's not a contest, that's the real joke here. Good on you for seeing the big picture."
Do these roles about parenting sound familiar?
Childish Things Are Too Girly
"Real men don't take their kids trick or treating is one that I heard recently."
"Related. Guys who brag about not changing diapers, not playing 'girly' games, etc. Essentially guys who brag that their only contribution to fatherhood is money and masculine things like fishing or football. Even then some of them brag about not paying a lot of child support to prove they didn't let the system take advantage of them."
"I can't imagine a life so empty my only accomplishment worth bragging about was being a terrible parent."
This Woman's Work
"I was told that taking care of my kids is woman's work. Apparently it's concerning that I try to spend so much of my free time with them. Oddly enough the meatheads at my grappling club think it's sweet I occasionally have my daughters' hair clips on and nails painted."
People discussed rules in the bedroom.
"That a man is turned off when their wife/girlfriend seduces them, because if she wants sex and shows it she is a sl*t, also making the man the submissive one…"
"Not the whole community, but was cuddling with a guy once and could tell he was trying not to get emotional over something that was bothering him. He said, quite literally, 'it's not alpha male behaviour.' I told him that I liked that he showed emotions sometimes, and he looked disgusted by the fact that I pointed it out."
In high school, a classmate who was on the football team said I was a "sissy" for listening to classical music.
The other classmates laughed at me, which was hardly surprising since all of the guys on our unbeatable football team were considered stars on campus.
This kind of mockery was a typical day for me.
I can laugh at their idiotic comments now but back then, I don't know why I ever let them get under my skin.
We've all done things, or in some cases, regularly do things that others might consider weird.
Even so, we often feel no shame or embarrassment and embrace how unusual these habits are, and take our friends teasing or laughing at us for doing so in stride.
Sometimes, however, we might not like to advertise some of our unusual habits or actions and make every effort to keep them a well-guarded secret.
As raised eyebrows are much easier to take than blatant judgment from friends and peers.
Redditor Key_Nectarine_1969 was curious to hear all the weird things people have done which they still keep under lock and key, leading them to ask:
"What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done that you could only tell people anonymously?"
The Devil [Dogs] Is In The Detail...
"All throughout middle school, there was someone who tucked unwrapped Hostess Devil Dogs into the toilet paper dispensers in the bathrooms, so that when you pulled some toilet paper out, the devil dog would fall out into your hand."
"We had to have an assembly about it."
"That person... Was me."- bejeweled_sky
Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
"Was drunk at an escape room with coworkers."
"It was an extreme one where you are handcuffed the entire time."
"I decided in my drunken state that it would be bada** to dislocated my thumb and slip off the cuffs like the movies."
"We got kicked out, my coworkers were weirded out and I had to go to the hospital."
"I quit a few weeks later."
"White collar wasn't for me."- Grotesque-penguin
The Bread Of Heaven
"Stole over 1,000 wafers from church because I really liked the communion wafers & didn’t know where else to get them."
"I felt really blessed & cursed for a long time."- hALLIEcinatecatholic the exorcist GIFGiphy
"Once I got off the subway in NYC and I was super early for an appointment."
"So I picked a random guy and just followed him on foot for like 30 minutes, pretending I was like a private detective or something."
"Always kept about a half block behind."
"He turned this way and that, and eventually went into a building I had lived in 9 years earlier."
"It was weird, and so was I."- OKsurewhynotyep
Hygeine Be Damned...
"I found a dead rat in a field when i was younger and kissed it bc I wanted to say goodbye."- qeleiaexercise push up GIFGiphy
Bad Decisions Have A Way Of Getting Back To You...
"We got super drunk and ate a ton of spicy food in New Orleans."
"Back at the B&B, the food started to come out the back side."
"I was sitting on the toilet sh*tting bricks of fire."
"At that moment, the booze decided to hang a u-turn."
"The trash can was out of reach and I couldn't risk standing up from the toilet for even 5 seconds."
"The closest receptacle was the bathtub."
"I managed to turn in such a way that I could keep shi*ting in the toilet while projectile vomiting into the tub."
"Both ended up clogged, and there was no plunger."
"I had to call the owner to explain that I had destroyed both their toilet and their tub simultaneously."- HoopOnPoop
Things Best Left To Professionals...
"My partner is weirdly prone to cysts."
"I had to drain a 3 inch cyst on her back (thankfully she had a dr's appt the next week), then multiple other little cysts on her legs and chest."
"I never told her to her face but that first giant cyst literally haunted me, the amount of pus and blood I saw....good heavens."- SleepyBiologisturuguay spot GIF by sargentoPezGiphy
At Least A Lesson Was Learned...
"When I was walking to school one morning, I saw a kid (7-8 yo?) kicking a dog."
"I ran over & kicked the kid and asked him how it felt."
"He ran off and no one saw."
"Still not sorry."- sneezyailurophile
All Creatures Deserve Love
"I was extremely socially isolated as a child and tried to make friends with the coyotes who lived in the woods by our home."
'I caught one in a snare and fed and kept her."
"I wanted a friend."- letthetreeburn
That's What Friends Are For...
"My wife and her best friend pick me up from a frat party black out drunk."
"Then they helped me take a sh*t on the toilet, wiped my a** and then gave me a shower and put me to bed naked."
"Don’t remember any of it."- nc3100Party Love GIF by Chris CiminoGiphy
Not The Right Kind Of Manure...
"One time I went outside at like 2AM and put the garden hose nozzle into my butthole and sprayed some water into it, then farted it out onto the lawn."
"Basically gave myself an enema with a garden hose."
"I did this because I was bored."
"My neighbour saw me and told my dad (lived at home at the time)."- WaspsInMyGoatse
A Little Fantasy Now And Then...
"When I was younger I joined an international dating site that I figured was a scam."
"Put a black square as my picture and gave myself a fake name, and then looked through their users."
"And after about 10 minutes I had like a 100 messages."
"Most of them were messages telling me how handsome I was or how these women fell in love with me at first site."
"Now I knew it was a scam but when ever I felt down or got rejected for a while I would pop back on the site and read a few messages."
'Yeah it’s kinda cringy and probably pathetic but it made me feel better."
"I would just turn off that logical part of my brain that knew it was a scam for awhile and just pretend I was this popular and desirable guy."
"And it honestly got me through the day sometimes."- Demonking3343dating app GIFGiphy
If anyone says they've never done anything they're ashamed, or at the very least less-than-proud of, in all likelihood, they are lying.
Or, more likely, they understandably want to pretend that it never happened.
Which might be a little easier than harboring a secret.