They see two people entering the building and sometime later, see three coming out. The biologist declares, "Oh, they must have reproduced." The engineer argues, "Our initial count must have been incorrect." The mathematician says, "Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty."
I was never a big fan of math or science, but that joke makes me chuckle. You don't necessarily have to be a master of those subjects to understand the punch lines. When Redditor u/Butcheey asked people, "What's a good science joke?", some very smart people stepped up to deliver laughs. And while they honestly go over my head sometimes, hopefully their nuances won't be lost on you!
Who's training who?
tv land dog GIF by nobodies.GiphyIvan Pavlov is sitting in a bar. The phone behind the bar starts ringing. Pavlov shoots up out of his chair and shouts, "Oh, s**t! I forgot to feed the dog!"
For the math heads
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender: "I'll have a beer." The second one says: "I'll have half a beer." The third one says: "I'll have a quarter of a beer."
The bartender pours two beers and says "you guys need to learn your limits."
What's the difference?
Einstein and his wife were going through a rough time:
Einstein: "What can I do, I'll do anything"
Wife: "I just need two things right now, space and time"
Einstein: "and the second?"
Rocks can be fun
2 tectonic plates bumped into each other. 1 said, oops, my fault! :)
People slate geology jokes way too much
Anyone a plumber or chemist?
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized
I love this joke, because it works perfectly in a written format, but there's no good way to express it orally.
That's true for any job
I'm an electrical engineer and whenever somebody asks how my day was, I always say it had its positives and negatives.
I used to be into model rocketry. Anytime someone commented on how cool that is, I would say it had its ups and downs.
What do these two know?
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are traveling in a car when they get pulled over. The cop asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "no, but I can tell you exactly where I was."
The officer takes this peculiar response as grounds to search the vehicle. Upon opening the trunk of the car, he finds a dead cat. He then asks the two men "did you know there was a dead cat in the trunk?"
Schrodinger replies "well I do now!"
Time traveling punchlines
Back To The Future Film GIFGiphyThe bartender says "sorry, we don't server faster than light particles here."
Two tachyons walk into a bar.
The punchline comes before the joke
You know what the worst thing about time travel jokes is?
Gassy jokes
Why did no one say a word when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reactions
Helium walked into a bar Bar tender says We don't server Noble Gases round here. Helium Doesn't react
This joke has layers
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are all playing a game of hide and seek. It's Einstein's turn to be "it", so he closes his eyes and starts counting. Pascal immediately goes and finds a place to hide. Newton however doesn't go anywhere. Instead he takes out a piece of chalk, draws a 1m X 1m square on the floor, and steps inside it. Einstein finally gets done counting, opens his eyes, and exclaims "Aha, Newton I have found you!" To which Newton replies "But no, you have found Pascal!"
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I was a really shy child, and was very self-conscious and unsure about myself. That was until a parent teacher conference. I had been to a few at that point in my elementary school years. Usually, the parent/teacher meetings were straight forward and focused on how bad I was at math. But one year, a teacher also took the time to mention my other strengths, calling me creative, intelligent, and kind. Her taking the time to say such a thing really boosted my self confidence for the long term.
Redditor u/minimalisticbeauty wanted to hear similar stories of kindness, and so asked people... "What was the nicest thing someone has done for you?"
A funeral her mother deserved
My mother died and I was so stressed trying to find a way to give her the funeral she deserved. My boyfriend went down to the funeral home, made the arrangements, and paid the balance. By FAR the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Life changing lessons
sad piano GIF by Freddy ArenasGiphyWhen I was about 13, the pastor of our family church heard me practicing Chopin on the piano.
Knowing my parents couldn't afford it, he offered to pay for my music studies (organ, piano, music theory and ear training) so that I'd be prepared to enter music conservatory after high school.
All he asked for in return was that I'd help out with the church's music program when needed (which, in itself, proved to be a wonderful learning experience).
This kind, generous man spent thousands of his own money to help me along the way to a rewarding career in music.
A bright spot in a dark week
I went to a local breakfast spot after a rough night. Totally forgot my wallet so I left my phone as collateral and went to my house.
Came back and some guy had already paid for me. I know it doesn't seem that big of a deal but it was a pretty bleak week for me so it meant a lot.
The bully wasn't all bad
One of my highschool bullies invited me to his house to hangout for a day, I was really nervous it might just be to screw with me, but I was desperate for some sort of friendship so I went over. We're now best friends and he and his family feels like family to me and I have no idea how we ever disliked each other.
A second family was there
When my parents were awful, and my sister was passing away, my friends parents took me in for a while but they did it in a way that seemed like a sleepover (for a few months). I didn't realize until I was an adult how much they stepped up for me.
This paramedic went above and beyond
A paramedic helping me after I was in a car crash took his time to come back to the car and bring me back my front tooth (that was really tiny and he offered to go and look for it in a wreck) and at the same time found and brought back my partner's phone. I don't know his name, I was in such a state of shock I can't even remember how he looked like. But he put my tooth in a special liquid and the hospital team managed to put it back, saving me a lot of money. There was also a policewoman who put a blanket on me and made sure I kept it (the hospital only managed to take it off me right before I left, it was a green standard first aid blanket, I don't know why I refused to let go of it, again, shock, but it provided a lot of comfort).
Thank you so much, guys.
Even if it was for the wrong reasons, it was the right thing
My ex-girlfriend turned me in for stealing opiates. Been clean a little over two years now. May have saved my life.
It was definitely malicious intent but it had the unintended byproduct of forcing me to get my s**t together.
Very special birthday cards
My grandmother made a ton of birthday cards in advance. After she passed away, I still received birthday cards from her for the next few years. It was a little weird, but it was definitely nice to hear words from her after she passed.
The teacher aid stepped up
Growing up I was severely neglected and abused and had no friends due to my lack of hygiene and social skills. One of my teacher aids brought me to her house to play with her daughter, brought me on family trips with them, gave me clean clothes, and just showed me an insane amount of kindness I'll never be able to repay.
Online celebrations
birthday cake GIFGiphyI have an online friend in another country and one time she made a cake for my birthday with my name on it because she knew no one else would do anything
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Better yet, what's something that you used to love to do? Did you ever have a hobby or a goal that you suddenly ceased putting effort in? Maybe you were young and just grew out of it. Or worse - something or someone discouraged you from doing that thing you love. Nothing can last forever, but the hope is that the things that bring you joy or are dedicated to can remain a part of your life.
People reflected on the things they used to love doing when Redditor u/Enzerly asked, "What caused you to quit doing something you love?" Turns out, more often than not, the reasons are pretty sad.
When "friends" spoil the fun
I used to be very active on a discord server but then a group of people who I used to be friends with (started not getting along) began spamming the server with dumb garbage every day. Couldn't even go through a normal conversation with anyone without them being annoying. So I kinda ignore that server now. It's a shame too, that server was like a second home to me at some point .-.
Zmanbro6
Do you really have to miss all concerts now?
I stopped seeing punk shows or playing music because an elitist clique with alot of connections developed a beef with me over a woman I was seeing that one of them wanted. He was cheating on his fiancee with her but they acted like I was an evil a**hole for getting pissed and refusing to have an open relationship. I broke up with her and moved and years later they found me and started a fight in LA and sued me when I stood up for myself.
What an evil thing to do
mountain bike bicycles GIFGiphyMountain Bilking
My long term girlfriend cheated and we broke up. We had an apartment and dog together. She bought me out and we decided that it would be best if Kona stayed with her as I was going to be on my own with no immediate family or help.
Few days after I moved out I went to get something, Kona went nuts with happiness I played with him, gave him a hug and left. I could hear him crying as I left. I didn't grab my bike for some reason.
I needed time to get myself sorted and just decompress so didn't really reach out to see him. Regret that.
Few weeks later I found out she put him down due to severe separation anxiety. She never told me, I didn't get my bike and haven't ridden since.
Kona was my riding buddy.
Not so honorable
The Community. And the horrible developers.
God. For Honor used to be such a pleasure to play. But it has a Community so toxic its whats causing the game to die as we speak. I jumped that ship not to long ago. And I dont blame the rest for jumping too. I think the game has run its course. Its time for the prototype game to sink now. We now know the art of war system is great. But we need a new art of war game.
It's hard to lose your physical abilitiesÂ
Loved baseball, played little league for 11 years, was all-star pitcher 4 years in a row with 78 mph fastball at 16 yo...then got into a car accident a few months after my 17th birthday. can't run, can't throw more than 30mph now, etc
accident was over a decade ago
You can't enjoy things when they're forced on you
School killed my passion for reading.
And programming killed my interest in programming.
A bad boss or colleague can ruin everything
I love my line of work. Working for someone who hates it, brought me almost to the point of quitting. (But then Covid happened and my line of work (entertainment industry) won't be back up on its feet for a very very long time.
News is hard to stomach
I used to love reading the news. Was subscribed to newspapers and feeds from all over the world.
And then the whole damn planet went bat-s**t crazy. And that was LONG before 2020.
Still trying to stay informed, but nowhere near the dedication and zeal I once had.
Silence is an option
Meditated for ten years with no appreciable effect. Group got more popular and it started being more social. Would go on week retreats no talking. Too much hugging afterwards. Too much talking about what happened during. Either I was there when it happened or it's your personal experience and none of my business. Do you really need to run your mouth this badly?
A culinary career is demanding
gordon ramsay cooking GIF by Hell's KitchenGiphyAdvice from older people
Used to be a chef and met a lot of older men who would wish they had changed career path when they were younger so they could get out of that life and have a family and some genuine time off during holidays etc.
I'm only 29 but I took the advice and can honestly say my life is a lot better now as a teacher
I hope they're able to recover from this tragedy
I used to cycle every weekend. I was preparing for a big race and was up to 100miles. My three year old nephew died in a car crash about two weekends before it was scheduled. It sent me into a pretty ragged depression. I lost interest in a lot of things. I'm trying to get some gear back to start again but I'm still working on it.
Family can be cruel
I stopped learning random skills in high school because of family constantly saying I'd never amount to anything
only recently got the confidence to start learning new things again
It's awful to have the things you love be laughed at
I used to write a whole lot of stories. Sometimes fanfics but mostly my own stuff. I illustrated a lot of them too. (That was from my 5th to ~14th birthday) I stopped doing it for a long time because my parents started to laugh at my stories which were very personal. It destroyed a lot of trust. I recently started to write again and it's not the same anymore. I constantly have that fear of being made fun of, my stories being cringy and simply not good enough. Never laugh about something your kid does if the kid doesn't laugh
Wild bears everywhere
Black Bear Family GIF by BBC AmericaGiphyThe area of my favorite nature trail has become heavily populated with black bears.
Since it's nearly impossible to walk the area without encountering black bears (some of them quite large), I've stopped going
It could've been accident, but that sucks
I loved writing lyrics. Wrote for 6 or 7 years, typed them all into a memo pad on a phone I carried everywhere. I wrote all of the time. It was my way of expressing myself, of coping with things in my head. It was my dream to record them all, and have people hear my message. Let my mom borrow my phone one day. She formatted it(deleted everything). I still don't know why. Since then, I can't seem to work up the will or desire to write lyrics.
This pandemic is on everyone's minds
Horrible teachers. I love my classes, it's just that some of the teachers can't teach or can't talk about anything but their life and the pandemic. I gave up watching their online classes and only study through the books.
Just like what you like
I used to love learning about Japanese history and culture. I would study and try and learn Japanese during school hours. But then this weeaboo nonsense started, and I wanted no part of that identity
Liking Japanese stuff doesn't make you a weeb.
In fact, a weeaboo is someone who's really ignorant of Japanese culture and just buys into fantasies and stereotypes. They can't seem to remember that Japan is just a country full of normal people and common problems.
The scary world of online gaming
I stopped playing video games because my friends are all toxic to me and I suck at games. At first I only played to play with my friends, but when they became toxic af I stopped playing.
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Such as the fact that they don't believe in science or facts. Though they use science to get through their daily lives (internet, transportation, medication, etc.), somehow, part of the population is convinced that the virus is a conspiracy created just to inconvenience them.
We're all familiar with such folks. That's why Redditor u/yenake asked, "What is the dumbest Coronavirus theory you heard from someone?"
20. Follow the money...
That it was invented by anyone. You're a ****ng idiot if you're suggesting people are out here bioengineering diseases in secret and also not selling a cure that works.
I never heard the melanin theory....
I just remember early on when cases were still low there were black people who truly believed they couldn't get it because they have more melanin in their skin...and now the black community unfortunately has some of the most cases so look how that turned out
Reversable masks!
That wearing the mask blue side out protects others, while wearing the white side out protects yourself.
The one thing leaders will cooperate on
That viruses in general don't exist and that Corona was invented to take away fundamental rights in my country. Sure, the countries in the world can never agree on anything, but suddenly they can all work together and fake a global pandemic to take away rights from people in one country.
Viruses aren't homophobic
Hey, remember that priest that said Coronavirus is God's punishment for the gays. And then he caught it.
If he truly believes what he said, the only logical conclusion must be that he's gay.
Everyone needs to wear a mask
That it's a conspiracy to kill off black people by restricting our breathing with the masks, and that all white people are in on it.
Still waiting on that Rapture
In my moms words "Coronavirus was created by the shadow elite and as agents of the devil And bIg pharma they're going to make billions of dollars off the vaccine and the vaccine, which is synonymous with the mark of the beast, will contain bio chips,poison, and gene altering compounds that will fill our bodies with cancer all while making us their slaves and we will suffer for the remainder of our time on earth until the rapture begins and we are sentenced to hell on earth."
Stay away from my knee fluid
That doctors made up Covid-19 so they could steal synovial fluid off people and sell it in the black market. Just a drop of this fluid is worth billions, and all medical staff are out to lie to you ate steal your knee synovial fluid.
The aliens did it
party dancing GIFGiphyMy cousin said that the reason the virus started was due to the space defense system failing to stop an alien from reaching Earth.
Some presidential advice
You should inject yourself with cleaning supplies to ward away covid.
Thanks Donald, that's really helpful. What should if there's a fire? Open all the windows and doors, and wait inside for help?
The world doesn't revolve around you
That it doesn't exist because "I don't know anyone who has it"
I had a few customers say something similar. "I've never met someone that had it." You can imagine their surprise when I said "well, now you have." The responses were everything from incredibly dismissive to revulsion to genuine fear.
Phones aren't even that reliable
Wire inside masks (the one that on certain masks you have to push down to make tighter over your nose) is connected to 5G towers and is making the coronavirus worse. Coworker was dead serious, too.
That's incredible tech if you can get reliable connections from stuff in a 5-pack at the dollar store. Wish Sprint was that reliable.
Spoiler - there's no chip
One of my cousins told me that 5G chips are directly inserted in the masks offered by institutions and you get directly infected by wearing the masks.
I asked him to prove it to me by showing me a 5G chip in one of the masks.
They were a no show
In March my country's health minister basically said that Corona will all blow over by April. When asked what will be different in April, he responded something to the effect of "The messiah will come in April".
Spoiler alert: no messiah. (I could be somewhat foggy on the details.)
Where'd they get that idea?
Coronavirus can spread through in-game voicechat
Had a friend hang up on me when I told her I tested positve
I'll take my chances
some people seriously believe that corona virus can be cured by drinking cow urine
I'd rather take my chances with the virus.
How to lose a crush immediatelyÂ
A guy I knew and liked told me to my face that 5G towers were giving people Covid. Nothing I said would shift him In that belief. In the end I just told him that was what Flatards would say and he took massive offence. Haven't seen him since
The source does not exist
That 'COVID-19' stands for 'China Originating Viral Infectious Disease - (batch) 19.' WHO confirmed it and everything apparently. No sources available when I asked for them.
Drink your beers in peace
You can get corona from the beer corona people actually believed and tried to ban the beer
If the Corona beer company went out of business because of human stupidity I would literally design a rocket and **** off into space somewhere else.
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