Every family has secrets. Sometimes they are so taboo that no one is allowed to bring them up - like when a parent has a secret kid, or when your grandparents turn out to have been bootleggers during prohibition (pretty cool if you ask me though).
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Dad has a secret kid.Giphy
Apparently our dad had another kid about 8 years older than me. My mom blurted something about it after their divorce when she was pissed about something. It was along the lines of "if he thinks he can forget you exist like that other kid of his...", she then turned very white and I was never able to get more out of her than that. My dad pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about but has apparently told my brother a bit of the story and then backtracked and never talked about it again. So yeah, apparently I'm not the oldest.
A crazy custody battle.Giphy
The fact that my cousin got kidnapped when he was a baby. Long story short, two young teenagers got knocked up, got married, aunt wanted a divorce but husband was abusive and manipulative, and she fled out of state back to us (her family). He followed her to try to talk it out, she let him inside to talk, he took my baby cousin who was sleeping in her arms, and fled out of state. Then he took her to court for abandoning her child and refused to let her see him. 20 years later, my cousin seeks us out and we all reconnect. Thanksgiving dinners are great, but we don't talk about that whole ordeal.
To The Nunnery
My grandfather's brother was a priest when he was younger. His wife of 40+ years used to be a nun. Their first child was born a few months after they left.
When I was growing up, I always heard stories about my dad as a kid hanging out in his mom's tavern. The first time we visited his home town, he showed us his house, which is on a crossroads and split-level - front door goes to the top floor, "basement" (or lower floor) opens out the back, which has a small road / parking area and that's where the tavern was.
It wasn't until many years later that it dawned on me that my dad grew up during Prohibition... grandma was a bootlegger...
It gets better...
- His home town is on a road that was considered a "bootlegger's highway" from Canada
- He went through jump school in the same class as Henry Hill (whose life Goodfellas was based on)
- One night in my teens a friend of his (who I'd never heard of) knocked on the door at 10pm. He and his two buddies (all italian) wanted a place to sleep for the night. They were gone in the morning.
- His pension and the work he did after he retired couldn't possibly explain our lifestyle
Mom has forbidden me from digging into it any further.
That my parent's died from AIDS in the early 90s when I was 2.
Growing up I never knew how my mother died, and I was told my father just "dissapeared". I remember throwing a tantrum in middle school for wanting to know what really happened to my parents. My aunt finally told me the truth (well more yelled at me about it). I remember crying alone in my room for hours. I'm pretty sure their death was the starting point for how... strange my family is.
Anyhow my family hasn't mentioned it since then and I'm now 27. As far as I know we've never said the words HIV or AIDS aloud in my family. If it must be talked about it's "that disease" or something similar.
My friends constantly wonder why I never mention my parent's and I still have hangups telling people why/how they passed away. It makes me feel so conflicted inside because I know I should have nothing to feel ashamed of but my family and society makes me feel my parent's deaths should be swept under the rug.
edit: i want to make it clear we do talk about my mother. She isn't forgotten. Just her death and the exact cause is something that is avoided at all costs.
My grandfather remarried a women who almost immediately developed Alzheimers and forgot who he is. He is now dating his first wife while his actual wife is confused who anyone is. He refuses to divorce because the scumbag family of his second wife bailed when they saw how expensive she was going to be, and my family had to get her care because she was too much for my grandfather to take care of (he is almost 90.) I called out the relevant members of her family for bailing and was told I was being rude, which might be true, but I'm also fucking right.
My great grandfather was a member of the Nazi party, oddly enough my Grandma(his daughter) is the coolest/most tolerant banana in the bunch
Paying It ForwardGiphy
I've got an unspoken thing that's actually quite a bit different. As far as I know, my dad started this. I learned from him, and will hopefully also pass it on the same way.
When I was a kid, my dad took me to Wal-Mart about a week before Christmas. Not unusual, really. I was around 12 or so at the time. Old enough to understand what was happening. We went to the service desk, and my dad got out his checkbook. He asked the person behind the counter to pick a layaway at random, and he would pay it off. The lady didn't seem too fazed by this, so I assumed she maybe had seen him do this before, or maybe my dad wasn't the only person who came up with this idea.
Anyway, he paid off the layaway thing, and then he brought me across the lobby to the McDonald's there. I asked him what he did, and he just smiled. He said something along the lines of him paying it forward. I don't remember exactly what was said, but that was the general idea I remember about it. 12 year old me didn't have a talent for storing memories. I thought a lot about this, but I could never do it myself with my allowance, plus I wanted to buy GameBoy games at the time.
My dad died about ten years ago. It was sudden; unexpected. It was also 3 days before Christmas. Now, I'm sure you know where this is going, but for me, this was a rough time. We had family in for the holidays, and my mom was a wreck. I was the oldest, so I had to step up and make all the arrangements. My siblings were pretty shaken up as well, but they helped how they could.
On Christmas Eve, I went to K-Mart (no other store in my area still did layaway). I walked to the back of the store to the layaway center. I did the thing my dad taught me for the first time. I asked for the lady to pick out a person at random, and I paid off their ticket. I thanked her for her time, and walked out. I didn't make a big deal of it, and I have never mentioned this to anyone other than my wife.
Every year, a week before Christmas, I go to K-Mart and pay off a layaway item. I don't tell anyone I'm doing it. I just do it. I do it in memory of my dad. I do it for myself. I do it to give someone out there a nice Christmas. I wish I remembered what my dad told me that day, but I do remember the conversation being selfless and basically just making someone else happy for a change.
I plan to do this with at least one of my own kids. I'm sharing it with you guys not for karma, praise, or recognition. I don't know any of you guys. I just hope that maybe some of you could make a struggling family really happy this year in an anonymous way. Let them believe in the magic of Christmas just for one year.
EDIT for non-US people: Layaway is an in-store program that lets you reserve an item in the store and pay it off over time. Once you've paid it off, you get the item.
Well, that's awkward.
That time my sister stole thousands of dollars from my father's business while working there.
Wow, they still speak to her?
My father doesn't trust her, but we still get together at least once every couple of weeks for dinner like nothing ever happened.
The gay uncle.
My uncle and his "friend" who's been around since I have memory (almost 30 years). They've never had a female companion, they live together, damn they even owned a gay bar at some point. Very Catholic family so that's probably why they never came out.
I thought it was something they kept from us "the kids" all these years until I had the courage to ask my dad and he said that's never been discussed, that he has never even asked my mom about it.
That seem happy and travel all the time so that's awesome. I just wish they could just be who they are around their loved ones.
Drugs destroy families.Giphy
I thought it was that my aunt was hardcore into drugs. Turns out nobody knew. To be fair I didn't "know" per-se but it was so obvious that I thought everybody knew but didn't mention it.
My family was blown away when she got busted going to Florida to buy pills so she could resell them here. I was like, "yeah, duh."
Reminds me of my cousins ex-wife. She always looked zonked out, and worked at a nursing home so I figured she was stealing meds. Everyone was super confused after she collapsed at my other cousins wedding after having a few drinks. apparently she had a lot of pain killers in her system.
My mom said that she didn't know what somebody on drugs looked like. I was like she doesn't act normal at all.
Suicides are truly an epidemic.
The numerous suicides. It's FINALLY getting to the point where they admit that these people even existed, let alone died. One of my great uncles killed himself before I was born and if not for all the group photos and my great aunt being a decent human, I wouldn't have ever known his name. My mom likes to pretend they died in "car accidents" or "heart attacks." It made for some real confusion once I got older.
Huntingtons disease. My grandpa died from it, my uncle is getting worse and worse and my niece and nephew have 50% to get it. We all pretend it isn't there because it's difficult to talk about,especially since my grandma is still alive. She knows how it will be.
Think your family is weird?Giphy
OK, to break the chain of secret girlfriends and estranged relatives, my family does not talk about cottage cheese.
I can tell you want to hear more about this, for that we must start at the beginning. My father is a lover of all things dairy. He would drink so much milk as a child his mother would tell him "You either have to become a dairy farmer, or marry a farmer's daughter". And dear dad did just that when he and my mom tied the knot.
Dad also loves cheese; solid cheese, soft cheese, and... cottage cheese.
Dad is however, very squeamish. He cannot stand the sight or thought of blood, body fluids or .... cheese curds. This makes enjoying his cottage cheese (by the quart) difficult. No one is allowed to talk about cheese, curds, whey, or how it is all made when he is enjoying his snack. If you make the mistake of mentioning any of these things dad ends the conversations by throwing his hands in the air and yelling "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT!"
That's so strange that he's squeamish about body fluids but loves milk and cheese! He knows milk is quite literally a body fluid, right?
Cooking at home is really rewarding but it's far from easy. It takes practice, patience, and persistence - thankfully Reddit is full of cooks are willing to share trade secrets so your next meal can be perfect.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
I always clean as I cook.Giphy
Failure shouldn't keep you from trying. It's a skill, you can't get any better if you don't try.
Be clean. Wash hands, work surface, and knives (and change cutting boards) between working on foods that will be cooked and those that will be served raw. Don't even have them out at the same time. Nothing will turn you away from doing it yourself harder than making yourself (and others) sick.
Saw a cool recipe? Find, and read, two more for the same dish, what do they have in common? That's the recipe. What's different? That's the personal flair.
Learn to clean while you're waiting for something to happen.
You are the only one who can truly judge your result, everyone else is just being nice. What do you like about it? What do you not like? What do you think would make it better?
Don't go overboard on that "seasoning."
My boyfriend adds salt and pepper to the food I make him.
Cool, no problem, I like seasoning too.
But he does it before he tastes it and that drives me nuts.
Like any skill, it takes practice.Giphy
Practice. Practice deliberately. That is, look up a cooking technique or unfamiliar recipe and repeat it until you are somewhat proficient, then move on to a new one.
For bonus points, make speed and efficiency your measures of success. One of the biggest advantages the pros have over home cooks is that they can produce good food without having to "slave away," constantly poking and prodding when it's not needed. You'll be amazed at how much unnecessary work your grandma puts herself through to make that show-stopping Thanksgiving dinner once you learn to cook efficiently.
Finally, focus on presentation. We eat with our eyes first, and a lot of what makes professional cooking more impressive than what people eat at home is that it comes out in an aesthetically pleasing arrangement. After all, there's only so much you can do with a roast chicken. Thankfully, plating is super easy, and once you have it down, it doesn't take any longer to plate things nicely than it would to plate them haphazardly.
- Buy a decent ($50) chef's knife, and keep it sharp. It'll make cooking way more fun, and also safer.
- Related to the previous point, buy a large, plastic or wood cutting board. Glass is for people who hate their knives.
- Try using more salt. If it tastes better, keep adding more more. Find the balance.
- If you've added a ton of salt and the dish still tastes like it needs more, add an acid. Lemon or lime, or vinegar.
- Fresh cracked black pepper is 100x better than pre-ground. Buy a cheap pepper grinder, they're disposable in the spice aisle, and use that.
- Use more garlic than the recipe calls for.
- Ginger is delicious, and is particularly important for rice dishes. Use more than is called for there too.
- Don't be afraid to turn up the heat. You'll burn some stuff in the beginning, but you can't get a good crispy outside on something you're frying if you're not cooking it hot. Also, don't stir too much. Let it cook a bit before flipping.
- Follow recipes, but not to a T. Cooking is an art, not a science (baking, however, is a science). After your first recipe or two, stop measuring out 1/4 teaspoons of stuff, and start eyeballing it.
- In general, online recipes are conservative with the amount of spices you use. You can usually add 1.5-2x more than they say and it'll be better.
This is important. Nuance.
Precise measurements only matter if you're baking, because there you're basically inducing controlled chemical reactions so the amount actually matters. Everything else you can eyeball.
Rice vinegar is incredible.Giphy
What you might be needing is acidity. It kind of bounces off of salt to deepen the flavor of dishes. I only learned of it myself recently, despite having been cooking for 30+ years!
Vinegars can balance flavor very well. (Not the cheap white stuff, if at all possible). There are a lot of choices with vinegar! Some are specific to a particular recipe/use. I stand by rice wine vinegar. The flavor is 'neutral' enough to blend with most anything. A cap full of rice wine vinegar into a dish you feel can't handle more salt will change the flavor profile for the best.
As with all changes, start small. Use a dash here and there. Happy cooking!
Baking is art. Treat it that way.
I'm baking though it starts as a science and then evolves into an art. You create your own scientific masterpiece. How long do you let it ferment? Bulk rise vs ball rise? Autolyse? Mix flours? Increase salt, sugar or oil? How about creating your own starter? How do you score your loaves? Knead or no knead? The list goes on and on and I've realized the perfect loaf of bread is one of the most beautiful things in life.
Delicious doesn't need to be complicated.
I recently saw a "three ingredient tomato soup" that people were raving about. It was a 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes, half an onion chopped into quarters and a half stick of butter. Put them in a pot and simmer until reduced, about 1 hour. Remove the onion chunks and puree in a blender, then salt and pepper to taste.
It was f*cking mind blowing and I'm 100% sure it was the butter. The blender turns it into an emulsion and it turns creamy and almost orange (before blending it's dark red).
Just typing this I'm going to make it again tomorrow.
Number 3 is particularly noteworthy.
- Buy quality ingredients. You don't have to buy the best. Just aim for somewhere in the middle.
- Get a decent chefs knife and learn how to use it. There's all kinds of fancy knives out there that have specific applications. But in terms of cooking 99/100 dishes, all you need is a chefs knife.
- Let your meat rest a little bit after cooking. Steak in particular.
- Don't afraid to fail. Part of cooking is messing things up. Especially if it's your first time trying a new thing. Sometimes your dish wont work out and you'll end up ordering Chinese food. No big deal.
Know The World
I find there are really only a few chefs out there whose recipes are always consistent. Jamie Oliver is a godsend. His stuff is always amazingly perfect and easy, especially for beginners.
Marcella Hazan is fantastic, but it's definitely technical Italian, but damn it's good. Her stuff literally taught me to cook.
Julie Child's recipes are absolute perfection and will teach you everything you need to know.
Martha Stewart is the go-to gal for all things baking perfection. Seriously.
Nigella Lawson for indulgent wanton gorgeous, delicious decadent food, savory and sweet.
All the others, omfg. I find the occasional recipe from unknowns to be a starting base, but usually they're just rubbish. Most people's palettes are pretty awful and I'm fussy, which is why I learned to cook to begin with.
Years ago I was having dinner at effing Spago of all places, and I was disappointed in the meal I was having, and it was horrifically expensive. I'm sitting there thinking, this meal costs HOW much and I don't like it? Well, I'll have to learn to cook to make it so I DO like it. So I did.
I went out and bought Julia's Mastering the Art of the French Cooking and Marcella Hazan's Classic Italian books, and worked my way through the techniques and recipes, and came out the other end as a brilliant, serious cook.
I've cooked commercially, have started up and run (and sold off) my own restaurant business, and now just enjoy.
One thing for the serious cook, which I avoided until only recently and I don't know why, was learning to use a top quality Mandolin. Those things are dangerous AF but once I got the technique down, it's a wonderful, glorious tool.
Good quality pans are essential. A thick bottom stainless steel pan. A heavy, iron skillet. A la Crueset deep huge effer for stews and roasts.
Heavy weight teflon pans for cook-top sautés, eggs, sauces. Toss them out when they start sticking.
When your veg peeler is dull, toss it and buy a new one.
Get a micro-blade grater. Life changing.
Never, ever, ever, ever put a hot pan in water to cool, it will warp and ruin the pan.
Induction is fan-fucking-tastic.
Don't rush out and buy all the cool tools at once. Learn what you need, and just buy a couple things at a time. I have stuff I've been collecting for decades and it stands the test of time.
Keep your knives sharp and your butter at room temp. All will be right with the world.
There's the kitchen notebook, they last about a month before they are water and splatter stained. Then the good notes get transferred to the real notebook.
When I write a solid recipe incarnation in the good book, I leave about a page empty afterward to accommodate future notes and adaptations, and for really special dishes, the date and audience I cooked it for, and reception thereof.
Those little notes can go a long way in an entertaining and memorable event with friends or family. "I made those cherry-filled chocolate cupcakes you loved at your birthday a few years ago! And I added flaked salt on top since you said you wanted to try that, but never did. Happy Birthday!"
Yeah, you seem like a wizard when you do that.
My grandmothers kept kitchen notebooks and recipe boxes with notecards where they collected family recipes. Recipe trading is an unofficial sport in my family, and everyone puts their own little touches on old recipes.
Our whole lives are lists
Part of life is taking risks, even really stupid ones. What's really important is learning from them - but let's be real, we usually don't.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Nothing good happens in a bog.Giphy
As a kid me and some friends built a 'bridge' out of hay and wood across a dried out bog. I tested it and fell through somewhere in the middle. Thankfully I'd read in a book that if you're being sucked down by quicksand or something, the best thing to do is relax and spread your weight out evenly. That kept my head and arms above the muck until one of my friends could find a tree branch to haul me out.
Every time someone posts one of those 'quicksand wasn't as big an issue as I thought it would be' memes I'm like... hm.
Darwin Award contender. The coma sounds nice though.
Sitting on the trunk of a car. "Just drive slow and I'll hop off at my house."
They did not drive slowly. I got to be in a coma though, so that was nice.
That'll get you at least 3 stars in GTA.
Driving through a military base closed to the public in hopes of arriving at my destination faster.
Beware the large load.
Near the end of a 68 hour week, I was dead tired and just wanted to go home. I had three tons suspended in the air by a shop crane and I left the remote on the other side of the load. Instead of walking around it, I walked right under it and grabbed the remote. I froze for a moment and contemplated what I just did. Put the load down, clocked off and went to sleep thinking about how much of an idiot I am.
She lived to tell the tale.Giphy
I hitchhiked across a province, and at nightfall after getting soaked during a downfall (people tend not to pick you up during the rain), I was exhausted and so defeated, and so I accepted a complete strangers offer to go to his cabin in the woods for the night.
Music festivals draw the best people.
Stayed with a stranger whom I just met after a concert when I had no where to stay that night. Wasn't sexual, he didn't try anything or insinuate that I owed him anything - just a nice bloke offering the spare bed in his hotel room.
Karma - and a brave move, considering the times.
Went with some friends to a party. We drove there, and unfortunately everyone (including myself) got plastered. The party was in a bad neighborhood in the Bronx and I insisted that we chip in for a cab because driving drunk would be stupid.
I was called a pussy, and idiot, moron, then told if I don't like it I can walk home. F*ck that I know my life is worth it so I just headed off towards the Grand Concourse (this was back in the 80's, bad times then).
Walked about 15 blocks avoiding groups of people (especially the ones shouting at me), got tailed for a bit by a group of older guys and made a mad dash for the subway. It was 1 am, the station was empty and it took me 2 hours to get home.
Next day I get a call from one of my friends parents, they were upset with me for letting them drive home (they got into a fender bender with a cop car (yea karma)).
I laughed when she told me what happened, then explained that I was the one that was put down and told to walk home if I didn't like it, they wouldn't take a cab. She apologized and I made sure that every one of those asshats weren't part of my life anymore.
Drinking then driving is never worth it.Giphy
I drove home with a drunk friend who was taking shots before we left the bar. I was 21 and stupid. On the way home instead of taking the turn we went into a ditch and stopped 2 feet short of a telephone pole. We were fine but it definitely was a wake up call.
Raise your hand if you're feeling attacked.
Picked up a cap of what I presumed was molly at a party off the floor and popped it.
Good party. Decent high. Can't believe how stupid I was.
When I was in high school some guys were "car surfing" in the parking lot and one almost died. The two cars collided, which sent him flying off the roof. His top half went through the windshield while his bottom half was nearly smashed between the cars.
Needless to say, they both got in enormous amounts of trouble.
Flew off, head first into the curb. Induced coma for about two weeks. When I woke up, I was insane. They hand cuffed me to the bed because I kept trying to run away. Seeing as I was completely paralyzed on one side, that wasn't safe. Month in the rehab hospital once I was medically out of the woods. Learning to walk, talk again. How to use my fingers.
This was at age 15.
Vision problems for a few months after that. Nothing had the "outline" around it, if that makes any sense. Things just kind of bled into each other.
Couldn't remember words. Developed a weird tick where I would tap my fingers together when talking, as if trying to grab the word. Still happens sometimes.
Persistent bouts of "cloudy head." I can't describe them. They're just "bad head days." Still struggle with impulse control and temper.
The seizures started four years later. Lots of different meds and a couple wrecked cars later, we found something that worked. The wrecks weren't seizure related, but the lack of sleep probably was.
The migraines just started this February, at age 37. Debilitating dizziness and sound sensitivity. Can't think. Can't sleep. Neurologist thought they were seizures but later decided on migraines. New meds and a chiropractor are helping, but some days are still hella rough.
But all the docs thought I wouldn't live and if I did I would be requiring 24/7 care, so I still got pretty lucky.
I am a rugby player and was a bank teller in 2009. I'll never forget the date: 09/10/2009.
A group of 5-6 burglars stole $47K from an ATM I was doing some maintenance. When they ran out of the branch, everyone of them but one went to the right; the dipshit who went left was carrying the money bag, and my rugby instincts instinctly kicked in: I ran after him for half a block and tackled him from behind.
The look of despair in his eyes when he saw a crazy teller it's one of the memories I'll never forget. We tried to punch each other, with no success. When he realized I wasn't letting him go away with the cash, he threw the bag in the middle of the avenue and ran away.
The whole action lasted about 60 seconds, I believe. Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking "what if?": what if he had a gun? What if he had someone waiting him in the direction he went?
My mother wanted to kill me, but I got promoted. Good times.
Definitely a bad idea.
Mixing heroin and Xanax, don't do that kids, that's how you die.
Walked through the woods to smoke weed with some buddies. One of my friends dogs followed us. We were about to cross the Amtrak train tracks when I heard a high pitched whine. Look down one side of the tracks to see the headlight of a train speeding towards us, about a quarter mile away. These trains travel at over 100 MPH. My two friends, being high, got spooked and ran after I yelled about a train coming. I turned to walk away and out of the corner of my eye see "holly", my friends dog, just staring at me while standing right in the middle of the tracks. I ran as fast as I could to her, grabbed her by the collar and pulled her off the tracks. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in close as the train sped by, inches from my body and the scared pooch. After the train passed I turned around to see my friends chest deep in stagnant pond water yelling "that was AWESOME!!!!". Situational awareness almost got me killed because I decided to save the dog. She has since passed. RIP Holly, you were always a good girl.
Done it. Those tracks are deep.
I was ten riding the DC Metro for the first time by myself when I dropped my keys on the track. Two minutes till the next train vs 5 seconds to get my keys from the track so I jumped down.
It's harder than you think to get back on those platforms.
Tempting. Risky, but tempting.
Quit my job, sold everything, and moved into a van for about a year.
Not all heroes wear capes.Giphy
Walked five miles from the Inner Harbor in Baltimore up north to my apartment at 2 AM. Lotsa sketchy folk.
Sometimes the wrong words slip out. We can't take them back, though we wish we could. But saying the wrong thing usually makes for a good story.
freg35 asked Reddit: What is the biggest "I shouldn't have said that" moment you've ever had RIGHT AFTER you said it?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Could be worse.Giphy
I was picking up my daughter from my wife who was in a meeting for work. The meeting consisted of a bunch of the managers from the local area and the district manager was doing the meeting. We both work at the same company so I know who he is and he's a great guy that is pretty personable. On my way out of the meeting room he says to me, "See ya later, dad."
Just out of pure instinct to say something funny, the words "That's daddy to you" slipped out.
That's not embarrassing, that's just funny.
Don't call your wife a potato.
My wife and I were going somewhere...
W- "Do I look OK?"
She was wearing brownish capris, a light colored camisole, and a brownish shirt over it...
I tried to come up with something cute and brown...
Me- "Like a potato."
It is now the basis for all clothing related questions.. 20-ish years later...
W- "Do I look like a potato in this?"
B- but a cute potato. A tater tot
Edit: I love you stranger. I'm happy my internal monologue made ya happy.
When men should just say nothing...Giphy
Not me, but my boss and I were riding up the elevator. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and it was obvious (2nd kids shoo). There was also another pregnant lady standing right next to me, then another lady who appeared pregnant. My boss who is a very nice lady said "oh look at you three standing there!" The one on the end said, "Oh, I'm just fat."
Cue exit, stage left.
My friend's mom has a bit of a tummy and whenever she would get asked when she was due she would tell people that she had just miscarried and not lost the weight yet. Made more of an impression than if she told them it was a rude question to ask.
I'm just cackling.
Almost nailed it.
A number of years ago, my wife was complaining about being overweight. She wasn't overweight at all. In an attempt to comfort her, I put a hand on her shoulder and said 'you'd be perfect if I was blind.' Her reaction was not what I had in mind.
Oh, no no.
I was in trouble and told my mom she she couldn't punish me because "she isn't my real mom".
The look on her face made me feel worse than any punishment. INSTANT regret.
I said this way more times than I care to think. I also said something along the lines of wishing a different family adopted me. Little brat.
But I think every parent knows their kids are ungrateful punks. Even non-adopting parents get hit with the "I hate you"s.
I genuinely think adoptive parents should be told to expect their kids to say this, even if they have a great relationship with their kids. Just the nature of being a kid.
I'm an adoptive parent. Can confirm, we're ready for our kid to say this someday. Not that it probably wouldn't hurt to actually hear it for the first time, but I'm not going to be shocked and astounded or furious or anything like that. It's just kid stuff. My kid is allowed to express his emotions, and he's bound to sometimes mess up and say hurtful things as he's learning how to be a person in the world.
During my wedding ceremony I said "with Lusting devotion" instead of LASTING devotion..... I mean, both phrases work..... I don't mind having to commit to lusting devotion for the rest of my married life.
Wedding vows are the best time for verbal fails. My husband promised his fatality instead of his fidelity!
Snails are delicious.
I told the toddlers at my work whilst in the yard "Fun fact; some people eat snails like that one" Cue me running around stopping children under my care from eating snails.
You done f*cked up.
This is sad.
My mum was in hospital. As it turns out, she would never leave the hospital. But at this stage she was sick but not THAT sick.
She had a private room with a little enclosed garden outside. She had a blue tongue lizard who lived in the garden and she would pass her long day's watching the lizard scurry around and catch bugs and lazing in the sun.
She would tell us every time we visited what the lizard had been up to. The funny things it had done and made her smile during the day. She lit up when telling me about its adventures.
One day when I came in to visit, the blue tongue was out the front of her room in the car park. It had been hit by a car and killed.
I went to visit mum and she was very sad - she hadn't seen her friend the lizard all day.
I said to her "oh yeah I saw him out in the car park - he won't be back - he got run over by a car."
As soon as I said it, I tried to suck the words back in. But I couldn't.
Her face crashed. She was crushed. I tried to say maybe it was another lizard or that her lizard would be back - but it was no good. The damage was done.
A week later she died. She had been in the hospital for 3 months and was getting better they thought. But this day, she just died. They thought she had just given up.
That was in 1996. 22 and a bit years ago. And I still wake from sleep "thinking" about that. I still shudder every time I recall how stupid I had been. I'm now a 50 year old man and I can never and will never forgive myself for that stupid statement. It still makes me cry.
Don't beat yourself up! I think it would make your mother more sad that you were so torn up about this than she was about her lizard. It's unfortunate. A lot of people seem like they are getting better in the weeks or days before they die, you didn't cause that to happen. And consider if you hadn't told her. She would have just sat there waiting for her little lizard to come back, not knowing. That would have been just as difficult and sad for her, if not worse. You must be a very caring person to be so upset by that. I know it is so hard to lose a person that you cared for dearly, but please give yourself a break.
Didn't see it coming.Giphy
I was at a rehearsal with a blind opera singer, accompanying her as part of a string quartet. The venue was pretty cramped, and they didn't bring any stands for the music, so they set them up on chairs. I didn't bring my glasses that day, and was squinting a little bit to read the music, so the audio technician asks me if the setup is ok. To which I reply:
"It's ok, I'm just blind"
The worst part is, everyone gives me a weird look, but I keep on trucking cause I didn't even realize. Until ten minutes later when I get the realization that I called myself blind in front of an actually blind person...
She was very nice about it, but it was still mortifying.
I'm visually impaired, and have several blind friends. Relax. People do this all the time. We don't mind.
I was out front of my house with my kid and he wasn't listening so I said something like "jeez what are you, deaf or something?"... not noticing until it was too late that my across the street deaf neighbor was out front too.
I actually started to go apologize and then a split second later I realized she didn't hear me anyways. She could read lips though so that would have been awkward as fuck if I'd actually gone over and tried to explain myself 🤦♀️
Let's hope we don't have to find out.
Business school interview over Skype. They were very interested in a global conference I was helping organise and suddenly asked, "What would you do in the event of a terrorist attack?"
Blanked out. First thing out of my mouth was, "Well, the event's going to be a bomb."
I didn't get in.
The hell is supposed to be the answer? "Die?"
"Which side am i on?"
I made someone cry by accident.
A friend of mine told me her grandmother passed away recently. And how much she was struggling to cope with that.
So, later that day we were discussing about a school related project with some other friends. We were not going to finish our project before the deadline, so I jokingly said: "Well, what if we pretend someone's family member died, and that's why we couldn't focus that well."
Right after saying that I looked at my friend who began to tear up a bit. I immediately thought: "oh shit that's right.. I'm an idiot.".
Hey, it could have been worse. At least you didn't follow it up with "Oh, that's right, we don't need to pretend!".
"Because your grandma's dead, isn't she? Cold and dead and buried."
Me and my friends were having a group photo session for prom at one of our houses. Everyone's parents were there taking photos of their daughters or sons with the dates they had. I was going alone and one of the parents asked me who I was going with. I immediately blurted out "My right hand". Dads were holding back laughter, moms were standing there shocked. Good times all round.
In my middle school music class we were studying the Underground Railroad. Our teacher asked us to name famous African Americans from the period. My hand goes up. Now, I had the image of Harriet Tubman in my mind. I still have no idea why I said what I was about to. Teacher calls on me. I answer, "Martha Stewart". Class roars with laughter.
I can't remember exactly where I was, probably school I think, but there was a group of us playing some kind of trivia game. When the group was asked "who was the first person to walk on the moon?" Without really thinking I blurred out "Neil Young!" I was immediately aware of the mistake I had committed but the damage was done.
I did something similar. When I was in high school, I had a part time job at a store. One day, probably in April or something, a girl I hadn't seen for a while came to my register with her mom. As I was ringing them up, I tried to make conversation.
"Haven't seen you at school recently. Have you picked your university yet?"
She sort of looked away and mumbled "I don't go to school anymore." Her mom looked pretty embarrassed.
My stupid sheltered, education-first-and-foremost ass hadn't even taken into account that some people might not have an answer to that question. I rang them up as quickly as possible and vowed never to ask it again. I didn't see her after that. She wasn't in high school anymore and likely hadn't been for some time. I didn't see her at graduation, either. I felt pretty badly for putting her on the spot like that at the store.
That said, I'd probably feel worse about it if she hadn't spent what felt like every waking moment from sixth grade onward bullying the shit out of me. Ah well.
That No Fun-eralGiphy
I went to my uncles funeral a couple of days ago. As we were about to leave to go to it, we were wondering what family would be there.
Without thinking I said "I wonder if uncle Steve will be there."
That's who the funeral was for. Right away, I was like omg no why did I say that.
Men, we gotta do better. Check out these harrowing tales from women who were guilted into going out with a friend. It turned ugly - fast. We're not entitled to anything, and rejection is a part of life, so guys - do better.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Oh wow yikes okay.Giphy
We were friends in high school and most of college. It was one of those things where he was a friend of a friend, but we always went to the same parties, hung together in the same group and so on.
The guys in the group would always say things like, "Ah man you and Kyle would be so great together! You should give him a shot!" I'd kind of laugh it off because for a majority of the time I had a boyfriend.
Eventually me and the boyfriend broke up, and about a week later Kyle asked me out. I wasn't really ready, but I figured it was a first date and everyone had been pressuring me into giving this guy a chance so I went.
The whole evening was awkward. We just ordered a pizza and watched movies, which was what we did in our friend group anyways, but this guy would NOT STOP STARING. I felt like I couldn't even eat because I was under a microscope. The evening ended uneventfully, but then there was the aftermath.
We kept texting and seeing each other in the friend group, and about a week later he asked when we can have another date. I told him that maybe I had rushed into things too fast and I just wasn't feeling any connection with him.
"I BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR YOU!"
Yup, dude found out I was single, dumped his girlfriend of 8 months just so he could ask me out to an awkward pizza date in his bedroom...
The timely cherry on top is that they got back together, and apparently I'm tearing their marriage apart because she found a bunch of texts from me from six years ago and he admitted that he kept them cause he still likes me. I haven't seen him in four years.
Edit for timeline: We were friends in high school (10 years ago) and college (5-6 years ago). While we are in college, he asks me out after dumping his girlfriend. Sometime after that they get back together and are married last year. Last week, a friend informs me that they are on the verge of divorce because she found texts he had saved (screenshots) from our college chats 5 or 6 years ago.
Edit: Several people are commenting that I shouldn't have gone out with him and just told him I wanted to stay friends... the thread is literally "girls guilted into going out with 'nice guy'"
This isn't a very sisterly thing to do.
Moved to another state with my sister and she made a few guy friends. One of them saw her with me and begged her to set up a date with me. I reluctantly agreed because she kept saying how sweet and nice he was. First date he kept gushing about how gorgeous I was and the fact that I was smart made it 100x better. He was going to make me his queen and take me around the world but I have to pay for my own meal and his since he paid this time.
I told him I was only interested in being friends and he begged my sister to get me to go out on another date. I declined and we moved back home and he came to visit my sister. While he was here he kept looking at me and telling my sister to just hook him up with me. It was my birthday and I kind of just rolled my eyes and was like come on I'll take you out too with my group of friends.
At the bar, he was really into me and I was getting annoyed because he wouldn't let me relax and have fun. I told him I really only saw him as a friend and in front of everyone he yelled at me saying what a horrible person I am for leading him on, nothing but a whore etc. I ended up crying because it was so embarrassing. My guy friends wanted to go "talk" to him after they heard what happened. My sister ran up to me and told me to go make him happy again he came down to see me and this is how I was treating him. I just went home and the next morning my sister told me how sorry that guy was and he wanted me to come say bye to him at the airport. Needless to say I didn't.
Trust your instincts.Giphy
Throwaway account for this as don't want my story tracing back to me. I met him through online dating and after a couple of weeks of chatting online decided to cool things off as he was giving off a creepy, needy vibe that frightened me. He would ask about ex boyfriends frequently and tell me that he would be good for me, ask sexual questions without any encouragement and want to know intimate details. I forgot all about him until he sent me a random message months later and apologized for his previous behavior which he blamed on a tricky break up.
Time passed and he seemed a new person so I gave in and met with him. Our first couple of dates seemed fine with just a few odd comments that I should have paid attention to. Then he started questioning where I was and who I was with, but again I just foolishly ignored this. The first time (and last time) I stayed at his we went out for a drink beforehand and he was judging me for having a couple of beers. When we got back to his I wasn't feeling up to anything sexual so told him firmly no and went to sleep. Later that night I woke up to him on top of me.
I never confronted him about this. I just pretended i hadn't woke up and made my excuses the next day before blocking him from by life. I've never told anyone this before. I just wish I'd listened to my previous instinct and kept well away.
Wasn't really a date. I was at a hiking trip with my sister and other people from our village when we met a group of guys, drinking and having fun. Was on (German) Father's Day, so it wasn't an unusual sight. For some reason my sister got into a talk with the guys and somehow got me and her invited for the party at one of the guys house later. No big deal, we brought her boyfriend with us and were expecting some good time. My boyfriend was on a biking trip with his dad, so he couldn't come.
We arrive and nobody else is there, guy says they will all arrive later and we are early (30 minutes after the time he told us to be there) and we start drinking, having fun and everything. He clearly has a thing for me, invites me to go on festivals with him, sisters boyfriend tells me I would be stupid if I say no and he would totally be going. The others arrive and at some point the homeowner asks me to go out for a walk, he needs some air.
We walk a bit and suddenly he turns around, telling me I am the love of his life, the girl meant for him, most beautiful, smart etc. he has ever seen. I was shocked and didn't know what to say except "I have a boyfriend, you know..", he said he doesn't care, we're clearly soulmates and then just kisses me out of nowhere. Tells me he would break up with his girlfriend for me (he never mentioned her before) and I should do the same.
Luckily, my sister blacked out on the toilet and someone shouted at him for help unlocking the door, so we went back up. I took care of my sister, his girlfriend arrived, he pulled me aside and told me he would do it now, right here. I said "no" and he told me to take my sister and leave, what I did then. He messaged me on facebook the next day that I was a whore and I lead him on and he almost broke up with his future wife for a b*tch like me.
Tl;dr: Met a guy, got invited to his house, he wanted me to break up with my boyfriend, he wanted to break up with his girlfriend, kissed me, called me soulmate and then a whore when I said no. All within 24 hours.
Edit: Since a lot of you asked "why would you let a stranger kiss you" or if I told my then-boyfriend about it... we did not make out and did not kiss him back. He smooched my lips after he approached me in the middle of a sentence at high-speed and let go of me seconds later before I could even process what had happened.
I CAN take care of myself and would have given him a good kicking, but I honestly was worried about my sister, even though I used the word "luckily". At least I could make you laugh about that.
Well, this is scary.
All my friends said a guy from our group of friends was very nice, even though I felt like he was creepy. Went out once, thought I'd give it a chance, to be nice. Regretted it immediately.
He asked me what I thought of being in a relationship with him, and when I said no/I didn't want that (because I wasn't very interested and we had only been friends before this), he said he was disappointed with my answer and expected something more worthy of him. He said that saying no was disrespectful. Big yikes.
We met once after that because he surprise visited me a few months later. He asked me to ruffle through my hair because he wanted to feel my scalp, treated me like a dog and wanted me to sit next to him so he'd be closer to me. He also thought it was a great idea to mention that he sometimes hears voices in his head and has dreamt of killing people.
I rushed him out of my apartment onto the street. I just wanted him to be gone. I checked my keys five times to see whether he took any. I've had to see him a couple times since then, and he is the most creepy, socially inept person I've ever met. He's so aggressive and impulsive.
edit: this blew up. Yes, he still is in my circle of friends. For some reason my guy friends laughed it off and don't see him as much of a threat to anyone, let alone me. I avoid him as much as I can, and never see him in groups of less than five people.
There's a word for this - misogyny.Giphy
He was genuinely nice and I thought I was being too picky and maybe I could see this through, if I took the effort of getting to know him. But every time I offered a contradictory point of view on any generic topic of discussion, he would proceed to casually mock my appearance, attire and my personality, in retaliation to my disagreement. That was the last date, obviously.
Edit: He might not have been "genuinely nice."
Hence the quotes around "nice."
I was a college freshman. First week of school, I was in my dorm hangout area going through the calendar on my phone to add exams to my schedule. I didn't realize that "Nice Guy" was looking over my shoulder as I was doing so.
He goes, "I see you don't have plans on Saturday, we're going to breakfast." - I continually objected and said I just hadn't gotten around to adding anything to it yet. He wouldn't leave me alone about it all week, so eventually I agreed to go on Saturday. I was purposely on my worst behavior in an attempt to repulse him because clearly, my opinion didn't matter otherwise. He ended the date by calling his mom, telling her that he met his future bride, that we were going to give her grandchildren.
He handed the phone to me, so I straight up told his mother that I had no interest and was only there because he wouldn't leave me be and apparently acting like a barnyard animal wasn't enough of a turnoff. Mom laughed and said "sounds like my boy!"
He would sit on the couch outside my dorm door to bombard me whenever I tried to go anywhere, followed me to and from classes for two months, and tried to befriend my roommate to get closer to me before moving on to a new target. She ended up with a restraining order against him.
Edit for clarification: This was not my first interaction with this guy. He lived in my (small) dorm building where we did multiple getting to know you exercises that week. He helped a ton of people move in and was a self proclaimed "nice guy" like the title had in quotes. Most people's first impression of him was that he was nice enough, but a little off. I clearly completely agree that dude was creepy af, I just posted in a hurry and left out some background. Edit edit: since "nice guy" was in quotes in the OP, I thought it was clear that we weren't dealing wit actual nice guys, hence why I thought my story was relevant. If it were asking a story about going on a date with an actual nice person, I don't think it would be an interesting AskReddit question?
I'll take male entitlement for $100, Alex.
The date wasn't too bad, although he kept changing pretty much every single sentence he said so it would fit my interest. Something like "I like ice cream" "Cool, I like frozen yoghurt" "oh yeah, that's what I meant. Ice cream is nice but frozen yoghurt is amazing" and so on for 4 hours straight. At the end I had no idea what he was actually like.
He also kissed me in the most awkward way possible. I guess he thought it was going to be romantic and spontaneous but it wasn't. Then kissed me again when he walked me to the train station. He hugged me so hard I couldn't breath and started making weird noises (kind of like what some people do during heavy, pre sex make out sessions, except it was a rather quick kiss in a public place). Started texting me before I even got home and when I didn't answer, got upset. Told him he was nice but I don't think we'd work out. Said its cool, asked if we can stay friends. Silly me, I said yes.
We kept talking for about a month, during which he very "friendly" kept checking if I had slept with someone else and making sure I know how much of a sex god he is ("you know, I once even made my lesbian friend cum super hard"). This is also the time I met my current BF and was meeting a bunch of new people at uni, so we'd talk less and less each week. Then one day he asked me out. I said I wasn't sure if he was completely fine with us being just friends so that wouldn't be appropriate. He went on this massive rant about how he'd actually been seeing someone else in that time, but they broke up shortly before that, how he's so over me and didn't even think I'm that hot anymore and how nothing would happen. I said no, because I was broke and couldn't fully enjoy myself while worrying about not spending too much (we were supposed to go to a Metallica concert, apparently his best friend had spent £120 on his ticket but then last minute found something better to do...) but he promised he'd take care of everything and we could chill at his place with pizza and some films, as friends.
I said I could consider the concert but there's no way I'd stay over. I mentioned texting someone else to see if they would be fine with me sleeping over at theirs afterwards. He jokingly asked if it's someone I'm sleeping with and I said it's none of his business. Then he told me how much of a bitch I was for sleeping with other people and not sleeping with him, said it's so unfair that he knew me so much better but he felt like other people had more rights to me than him and that we kissed and he didn't expect me to be this slutty (btw, I did not want to kiss him, it was just so random I felt him making out with me before I even realized what his intentions were and stopped it rather quickly). The he called me a few more names, said he's such a nice guy and didn't deserve to be treated like that and we never spoke again. Fun times
Nice? No. Weird? Very.Giphy
I dated the 'nice guy' everyone was convinced is a catch, for a few weeks. I can't fit an adequate description of the experience in one post. If I had to pick a few salient moments, they might be:
• He compared me to his ex-girlfriend frequently. "She smelled amazing. Like lavender. You don't smell like lavender." "She got into Oxford. You could never get into Oxford."
• He was a PhD student, and I was an undergrad at the time. "Undergrads are so mentally disabled. ...Not you though, you're special."
• When he wanted to have sex, then insisted I have the morning after pill the next day. I agreed on the condition he paid for it, because I was broke. We walked to the pharmacy, and he slows down and lingers outside. He sort of...circles the block. I am confused. Then I realize he doesn't want to enter the pharmacy with a girl, requesting the morning after pill. I state he can just give me cash, and I'll do it. He decides to enter the pharmacy. The pharmacist asks if we need help, and he quickly replies, "We're just browsing." It takes him a good fifteen minutes to get around to it. The pharmacist is very professional the entire time. When we reach the counter, he looks at me expectantly. I realize he now wants me to pay. I physically don't have the cash, so I just shrug and leave. He finally pulls out a bunch of credit cards.
• He sold me a broken second-hand laptop. Months after we broke up, I realized he hadn't logged out of Facebook. Being a terrible person, I read the messages he exchanged with his best friend. Many of the girls in his laboratory oscillated between "sluts" or "frigid c*nts", his supervisor was a "downy." and he'd written many remarks about his other colleagues and housemates. I also found out he'd been visiting my profile regularly, and commenting on all my activities and new boyfriend (we've been together six years now!). I promptly deleted him and made my account private.
I don't understand my gender.
After a few years of tepid friendship (something was always a bit 'off' about him, but I thought he was such a nice guy and I was just being a judgy bitch, plus he always claimed to be so in love with me), I agreed to a few dates with my friend. On one date, we went out with a whole group of couples to this state park a few hours away, and during the ride home, I dozed off. I woke up to him groping me under my clothes, and when I told him off, he twisted it around like I was being ridiculous and imagined his hand under my bra. Like, we're on a date, why was I being so weird, etc etc etc.
When I told him I had to cancel out 4th date because I'd gotten grounded after accidentally setting the kitchen on fire, he punched me. Mostly in the face. Punched me.
He spent the rest of high school periodically stalking me/my sisters, ranting and raving to literally everyone about how I just didn't understand and he loooooooves me, he's just so emotional with his true love for me that sometimes he acts without thinking, he's not like those other guys that would make sexual comments about my appearance, why did I have to be such a Stacey, he's the best friend I ever had until I ruined it all by willfully "misunderstanding" and refusing to hear him out or give him closure, on and on.
What a nice guy. Guess he tried to break into my bedroom window out of love and concern, huh?