It's time to talk about Pick-Me's and NLoG's. It's quite possible you've never heard of either, so let's first break down what they are.
Pick-me's are women who say ridiculous and often anti-femme things specifically to gain male favor. This might look like a woman who comments on an article about a woman's assault and says something about how the victim shouldn't have worn such a short skirt and maybe men wouldn't lust after her or something else that makes it not-his-fault.
NLoG stands for "Not Like Other Girls" - and these are those women who try to elevate themselves while categorizing other women negatively. They might brag about how they actually cook, or stay loyal, "respect my man" etc. unlike other girls.
One Reddit user asked:
We often see toxic masculinity as an example of negative gender-based behavior - but masculinity isn't the only thing around that needs dismantling. Femme culture can be just as atrocious.
We are about to see some prime examples of why femininity straight up sucks when it's wielded with immaturity, insecurity and malice.
Who Cares, Just Feed The Baby
"Breast is best"
"Women who have C-sections aren't real mothers"
"Real women have curves"
"I'm not like other girls"
I would like to add that, yes, breast milk IS best (I'm actually breastfeeding right now). I'm referring to the women who look down on those who can't or don't want to breastfeed.
Gold Starsseason 3 GIF by NETFLIX Giphy
I recently learned about "Gold Star" lesbians, who've never had sexual contact with men, and discriminate against other lesbians who have.
Ain't that some sh*t? Like, I'm sure many people who now identify as gay/lesbian went through a lot of experimentation before they figured out who they were. That's not something to berate people over.
Its really some incel sh*t, to claim that a woman being touched by a man lessens her value somehow. Like, you're a lesbian, how are you touting the concept of virginity? You, of all people, should know better.
Lmfao it's exactly like what those nasty patriarchal societies/histories are like. "You have been DEFILED by the touch of a MAN, now your PURE WOMANLINESS has been RUINED and you must DIE ALONE A PAUPER!" Ironic.
Gold Star lesbians is super problematic for a lot of reasons, as discussed, but I'd also add it's hurtful to queer women who've been raped or sexually assaulted by men. As if their sexual identity is diminished as a result.
Mad At The Wrong One
Women who get mad at other women for warning them that their man is cheating on them. Women who get mad at only the other woman instead of both the other woman and their man.
So I never understood this either--until it happened to me. It's a fallacious, emotional reaction--my perception of him was based on six years of joy and warmth and feeling like I knew him inside and out, and finding out he cheated almost didn't feel connected with him at all.
Meanwhile, the literal only thing I knew about her was that she knew he had a fiance and was still complicit in cheating. So while my feelings towards him were intensely conflicted and murky in the moment, my feeling towards her was pure, unadulterated fury.
Of course after the fact once your kneejerk emotions settle down, you realize they are both pieces of sh*t and that the trash took itself out. But right when it happens, it can be really hard to reconcile the betrayal of cheating with the years of positive feelings you associate with a partner, while your rage towards the complicit other person is straightforward.
My Body, My Choice. Period.
Women judging other women for using different types of menstrual products. Fe women who use tampons often sh*t on women who prefer pads.
YES. Jesus Christ. Why??? Why does anyone care what you use!?!? It's not affecting them! I used to only wear pads in middle school. Got made fun of for that. Eventually moved on to tampons in high school. Got slut shamed for that. Now I use a cup and EVERYONE has an opinion about it.
More Than The Cheating
I had an ex in college that I dated for a fair bit. Her housemates as well as their boyfriends and I were all cool with each other - so one of the other boyfriends felt fair to let me know that there was another guy that had been coming over here and there, and she was being oddly secretive about it. Also that he was there that night.
I head over and find them in bed together and rather than chase me down as I-m storming out, she runs to find out who ratted her out.
Honestly that bothered me more than the cheating.
Nobody Wants That Energybeauty pick me GIF by Maybelline Giphy
Women who make fun of other women in hopes it will make her attractive to men. I see it all the time on Twitter. Sh*t is mad stank coochie energy.
I don't get why, no man finds this attractive
I've seen way too much from women that are all like
"All my guy friends are so much funnier than my girl friends. I genuinely think women just can't be as funny as men"
"Men are just so much better to be friends with than women" or just putting themselves or women in general down. It's kinda sad
To me it would mean women who bag on other women for womaning differently than they do.
This becomes really toxic after child birth. Some women will feel nothing about letting you know how you are parenting wrong by using this product or letting you child do this particular thing.
Women who are able to stay at home will be made to feel guilty for not helping to provide; and women who work are made to feel guilty for abandoning their child.
I wish women were more understanding about dealing with differences and letting things slide a bit more. You should never feel higher after putting someone else down.
A girl in the grade below me (I'm a senior in high school at this point) passed away unexpectedly due to sepsis. Our whole city was in shock as the girl was in the school just days before her passing.
I remember I met up with my girlfriend at the time & she asked, "Why do so many people care about her dying? It's not like she was pretty anyways."
This was the type of girl that says, "What??!! I am SOOO nice."
Safe to say, the lord blessed me with a brain and I GTFO'D that relationship. To this day, she is still in contact with me & recently she complained that guys use her & she can't figure out why nobody will be with her.
Well honey, I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Women who think other women that enjoy cooking, child rearing, and homemaking are perpetuating stereotyped gender roles enforced by the patriarchy.
Tearing other women down because what they enjoy doesn't fit into the tiny box of what YOUR version of feminism should be is toxic femininity to the max.
This always drives me nuts. I'm a really, really good cook and baker. it's just what I have a knack for. It's the one thing I'm proud of and I don't feel weird about bragging about. I like doing it, I like trying new recipes, I like developing things on my own based off other's recipes. I like cooking for people and seeing them happy. I legitimately wonder if I missed my calling in not becoming someone's private chef.
The amount of comments I've gotten about it disguised as 'jokes' is ridiculous. Like my ex's mom and sister used to talk constant sh*t about my job as a nanny and my cooking for their son/brother, because that wasn't something you should do as a modern woman. Once I baked my friend an Oreo cookies and cream birthday cake to take to his D&D night, and the girls he played with devoured it before talking about how pathetic I was because clearly this is all I thought I was good for. The stupidity is real.
Cougar Preycoke thirst GIF by ADWEEK Giphy
Women objectifying young men as sexual play things, like "Hey pool boy! Wanna come rub some lotion on my back?"
If a cougar does it, it is supposed to be "empowering" allegedly. But if a man said that about a girl waitress by the pool he'd be a sexist, misogynist pig.
I remember a couple of years back, I was working at a small company and we had a new guy start on a short term contract. Nice bloke actually, clearly worked out a lot and took good care of himself. He was, by most conventional standards, pretty attractive and he was young - basically right out of college.
First day he's there and I walk into the break area to hear our Head of HR (yep, theHead! Not that it's overly relevant, but she was late 40s and divorced) talking to another female colleague about how "gorgeous" the new guy was, and all sorts of outwardly inappropriate comments, especially about his young age. I'd also noticed previously in the day a few comments to the guy's face, which he politely ignored.
I actually called her out on it there and then, basically saying that if she walked in on this conversation between two men loudly talking about how sexy and young a new female employee was she would (should!) be hauling them in for a serious discussion about what's appropriate in the workplace. (EDIT: appropriate behaviour, workplace or not)
She just rolled her eyes and told me something like "stop being so sensitive" and that "men can take it"
But that's what happens when you get handed a role you have zero qualifications or experience for because you're best friends with the wife of the CEO. And yes, that's exactly why there was no point taking the incident further, and why she continued to get away with this sort of behaviour indefinitely.
"Hazing" female in-laws. Ive noticed families where all the women will shit test their son/brother's/nephew's/grandson's girlfriends. " She dresses like a slut. Too skinny. Too fat. Doesnt cook. Ect." Wont be a good mom. Or they bring up his exes in front of her or directly to her, to hurt her feelings. Just in general treating her like shit for not meeting their arbitrary standards.
Exclusionary, Oppressive, Bullying
Toxic femininity would be women who define femininity in a way that is exclusionary, oppressive, or bullying to other women, or people they perceive as other women, including out-grouping people they perceive as not women.
Such as: insisting women have women's intuition, that women's power and glory come from having babies or feminine characteristics, that all women must have a uterus or a functional uterus, or asserting that trans women aren't women and aren't allowed in female spaces.
Makeup Your Mind
Makeup. So many women feel like they can't just have their face. They can't even go to the shops without "putting on their face". It's actually kinda sick.
And then you get the women who wear makeup but claim it's just "for themselves". But WHY do they feel the need to wear makeup for themselves? No one seems to want to look into that.
Without societal pressures you would have NO urge to wear makeup whatsoever. It makes you feel pretty? Okay but why? And why can't you have a serious think and discussion about why?
Men just get to have their face. It's not like makeup can't enhance the masculine features women find attractive, but they don't use it. why?
Just seriously think about it for a minute.
Girls who had a bad reaction to or just aren't into makeup and start preaching how other girls are poisoning their bodies for using those "evil products." Bonus points if yada yada patriarchy this patriarchy that and of "because I like it" isn't a good enough reason.
That's all toxic femininity. People can wear makeup if they want.
Wearing makeup is valid. Not wearing makeup is valid. People can do what they want and neither should be attacked for their own choices, no one is better than another for or not for using products.
I'd say intentionally picking a fight and then immediately becoming a delicate flower when you get any push-back, or manipulating men to fight your battles for you, would be examples of toxic femininity.
Disguising racism and xenophobia as protecting woman. I've seen a lot of people say immigrants are bad because they don't respect woman or how black people are a threat to woman.
Toxic femininity in the established work hierarchy that's a microcosm of high school petulance is casting aspersions, using calumny, and instigating pernicious rumours simply because another woman is working in your purported territory. Ostensibly, it's justified as a remnants of the constraints of the patriarchy compelling women to deign to competing for promotions and opportunities but I'd postulate its the repercussions of Toxic Femininity that establishes a hierarchy of authority and seniority in most environments.
It's observed everywhere women indulge in the primitive propensity of hierarchical dictating. The pervasive Karen meme is Toxic Femininity, she's a woman who perceives herself as superior by virtue of race and age. She expects accommodation and she speaks with peremptory modulation because she's immediately assembled the Toxic Femininity hierarchy in her mind.
It's the acrimony between new mothers and mothers with three children; it's the senior managers denouncing enthusiastic new managers as sycophants; it's the mother in laws hostility because she's fears usurpation; it's the friends ostracizing the other friend who's immaculately dressed.
Toxic masculinity demands men conform to the stoic, resilient stereotype to exhibit superiority by example and Toxic femininity orchestrates competitions between women until we've deteriorated into fractious children.
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