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Therapists And Patients Reveal Why They Couldn't Help Or Be Helped

Therapists And Patients Reveal Why They Couldn't Help Or Be Helped
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Joining a therapy group or seeing someone one-on-one is an open admission you need help. That's perfectly fine, as seeking assistance in life's problems is an extremely positive act you can do for yourself. On the other side of that relationship, you have a therapist who, hopefully, wants to help you. For whatever reason, it doesn't always work out. You can't crack through, or you can't figure it out, and you can only hope to find help through other means.


Reddit user, u/Ate10, wanted to know:

Therapists of reddit, ever had a patient you couldn't help, if so what happened?

Sometimes, There's Too Many Factors

I am a therapist who works with families with adoptive children. I have had many clients I could not help. Families that seek help are often on the verge of ending the adoption. The children experienced trauma and unstable attachment and families have been struggling. It often feels like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.

There have been many families who stopped because therapy wasn't helping: the children continued to "not behave." I currently have a family I worked with for a year that seems worse off than last year. Most days i struggle not knowing how to help them.

However. I remind myself that a therapist's role is small compared to the other factors for change (change happens when the person is willing and able and environmental factors support change). Also, I remind myself of the small changes that the families and me made happen together.

vijessie

You Can Do Everything Right...

I provided therapy for people with acquired brain injury for several years. This one man of about 58 was sent for care. Sweetest guy in the world. Nothing worked. Nothing.

I created a behavioural tracking plan for him and observed that he was losing function, while in active rehab.

I contacted his doctor and asked for an urgent referral to a neurologist because I suspected dementia. It was dementia and the doctors agreed with me that he had suffered the accident that caused his brain injury as a result of thinking and coordination problems caused by the dementia. I helped get him admitted to a dementia care facility so no further harm befell him from trying to live on his own.

NZT-48Rules

Sometimes, You Just Have To Pass Them Along

I referred them to someone I thought could help.

For example, I work a lot with ADD, but sometimes people need to be medicated before they can be expected to focus enough to do the work required in therapy.

Procrasti_nicole

They're Only Looking For Validation In The Wrong Ways

My gf is a person centred therapist and works with troubled women.

This one woman complained about her last week because she couldn't make it in one week and the week beforehand my gf had sort of triggered her to cry (but only by helping her reflect on herself, not because she said anything to her), ever since then, the girl was really offish with her and decided to complain and get another therapist, apparently my gf was her 3rd at the therapy Center she works at, the girl doesn't want help it's obvious she just wants someone to say mob yeah your life sounds really hard'

Stillwindows95

Nothing Worked For Years

I am on the other end of this question. I was a patient who was told by a psychologist he couldn't help me. When i was 17 i got hit by a car while riding my bike and i got hurt pretty bad but not life threatingly bad. it was supposed 3 to 6 months for me to heal fully but that never happened, i'm still in serious chronic pain 6 years later. So i met with a psychologist because my lawyer recommended i do so to help both myself and the case against the driver that hit me.

I explained what i was going through, he diagnosed me with ptsd, and told me theres nothing he can do to help my ptsd while i am still in so much pain. He told me not to book another appointment until i am out of pain, which never happend.

dman2316

Parents Can Be The Worst

The kid I really couldn't help had severe ADHD and possibly bi-polar, though we strive to avoid diagnosing young kids with that unless it's really REALLY obvious. In this case the parents refused to follow my guidance or do a family therapy session with both parents present. The mom was the one doing all the "work" - giving the kid meds and literally physically fighting with her (DCF called)- but not using actual discipline- and would give into the kids demands as soon as she threw a temper tantrum. I tried to warn mom when you start using discipline after not doing so for 13 years, it WILL get worse before it gets better. But the parents worked long jobs and often left the child rearing and discipline to an older sibling or relative who wasnt equipped. I eventually recommended out to ABA because even though the kid wasnt cooperative, she was doing a lot of dangerous stuff that could lead to her hurting herself and I wasnt cool just leaving the case.

Thet being said it's rare for a kid to just not cooperate (tho it does happen). 90% of the time it's the parent who is not complaint or who actively sabotages the kids recovery (like I've literally heard a parent say 'If your grades go up theyll take away our disability money and we cant afford rent"). Family systems are generally responsible for a young diagnosis, especially depression or anxiety but the parents scapegoat the kid and act as though they have done nothing wrong. And I get it, it's hard to hear as a parent that YOU are actually the problem. They also treat the therapist like a babysitter (like no, you cant leave the house just because I'm here).

killshotcaller

You Can't Make People Do The Work

I do motivational interviewing and cognitive behavioral therapy for people trying to quit smoking as part of a research study.

We have about a 65% success rate with getting people to quit 1 month. It's hard to say what the numbers are beyond that because, while we do collect 6 month and 1 year data points, we get a lot of drop off because people use the study as a means to an end and we get a lot of attrition once they feel confident they don't need the support anymore.

The biggest indicator of inability to quit is, like others have said in the thread, wanting to be off cigarettes but not being willing to put in the work. For just about everyone that has put the CBT, MI, and general coping strategies to use outside of our weekly counseling sessions has successfully quit. The ones that come in with external reasons for quitting (my wife wants me to quit, I'm tired of getting looks from other people, etc etc), don't engage in any "homework", and don't consistently come to sessions are the ones that don't make it through.

Except this one woman that hit every indicator of a soon-to-be successful quitter, was working with us for 3 or 4 months and was making good progress, and one week just completely cut contact. We called her, emailed her, texted her, sent her letters, but she completely vanished with zero indication that she was having a hard time or in danger of relapse. I still think about her pretty frequently. She was older, so I actually do hope she relapsed and got too embarrassed to call us back, because the alternative explanations for an older person trying to make positive change in their life going completely silent are more morbid.

TinyHorseHands

Just To Repeat: You Can't Make People Change

It's not so much that I can't help, it's that people don't want to change. Someone will only make changes when they are ready, not before.

I saw a couple much older than me one time and it was pretty obvious that it was over before we started. Often times when people come to therapy as a couple it's already too late. I had quite high hopes, but they had such contempt for one another.

zebus_0

Nothing Is As It Seems

Secondary gains. Patients sometimes come to therapy maybe with a genuine problem maybe without but there's an ulterior motive their driving then coming and its glaringly obvious.

I'm trained to give unconditional positive regard so even if I'm suspicious I'll play dumb with you unless there's enough contradictions for me to point it out and even then I'm going to be understanding about it. However, please don't waste both of our times. If you want something, ask for it. If I can help, I will.

If I can't I will at least point you in the right direction or explain why it's a bad idea and ask if you do want to continue therapy. If you don't it means I can offer the space to someone with a genuine need and want to be seen. Our waiting list is currently 3 months to be assessed and 6 months to then be treated.

GetCapeFly

Behavior Is A Big Factor

Working in the psychiatry, with some of the worst patients here in my country. It's all about making the most stable environment and situation for every patient, if theyre too extrovert and act out too much for us to handle, we call the police which then takes them to the acute department in the hospital.

gr1nna

Crimes Are A Big Interference

My dad works as a therapist. He has a patient who has 5 kids, a wife, & lives in a somewhat rust belt town. Let's call this patient 'Miguel' Miguel is a heroin addict, who also sells heroin. He sells to a cop, and the cops raid his trailer. Arrest him. Eventually the cops drop the charges, or whatever they're called, & Miguel celebrates! BUT they put the case on a federal level.

letsgetthebread

Nothing That Can Be Done

My father, brother, mother and I went to family counseling when my parents were heading toward divorce. We were the the therapist's last appointment on a Friday evening.

She committed suicide that night. My family disbanded soon after.

PreventableGaffe

The Wire Burns Both Ways

I was "let go" by a therapist.

I was being treated for depression by my university psychologist. In actuality I was bipolar and yet to be diagnosed. I was coping in every possible unhealthy way. Self harm, alcohol, binging/purging, etc. The university wasn't set up for long term care so after a certain number of sessions she had referred me to an outside psychiatrist but it was a terrible experience and I went back to her. She told me that she couldn't keep seeing me for her own mental health. She had become so concerned for me that it was affecting her.

It was incredibly hard to hear. Like "I'm so f-cked up I even disturb a professional." But mental health professionals are people too and I understand why.

myBisL2

If It's Not Working, You Have To Stop

Of course. Many times. Psychotherapy (whatever the flavour) is not always effective.

There's an ethical obligation of therapists to evaluate their progress with all clients/patients during the therapeutic process.

There's also an ethical obligation to discuss with them if there's no progress being made. It doesn't imply blame on either the client/patient or the therapist. But if things aren't working, it needs to be discussed, and other options should be considered.

It's just like if you had an infection, and a particular antibiotic wasn't helping, you don't just keep doing the same thing. You consider other treatment options, and also other treatment providers.

I've referred many clients that weren't being helped. It's not about giving up, it's about seeking the best outcome for the client (not the therapsit). To think that you are the only therapist that can help someone says more about your narcissism than the client/patient.

EvilBosch

Who's that one patient you couldn't help? Tell us all about it!

Scorned Lovers Reveal Their Worst Cheating Stories
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Cheating is one of the worst things a person can do to a loved one. Betraying the trust of someone we are supposed to be committed to on such a fundamental level is truly despicable and heartbreaking, and the users of Reddit blew off some steam by telling the tales of their very worst, no good cheating exes.


We Feel for You

white and blue yacht on sea under blue sky during daytimePhoto by Alina Kacharho on Unsplash

This is so recent (a week ago). I went to the spot I first took her to on the ship we worked on to surprise her, and she was on top of another dude. They looked me in the face and laughed when they saw me.

Congrats, Buddy!

Found out via Facebook a few months after I had broken up with him that he cheated on me. I was still friends with his siblings and parents, and they were tagged in some photos of him. Holding his clearly to-term newborn son. Less than nine months after I broke up with him.

Something Not to Be Thankful For

I'm not on great terms with my family, so I suggested making a roast chicken for the two of us for Thanksgiving. She opted to go to her roommate's family's place—the roommate who I learned she was sleeping with shortly afterward.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

man in red and black striped polo shirt holding gold iphone 6Photo by jaikishan patel on Unsplash

I was at a party with a group of friends. I was standing behind my best friend talking in a group when my friend all of the sudden gets a text. I look at his phone and it's my girlfriend's full name and her asking when he is going to be over. She was supposed to be out of town at her mom's house.

Did He Get an A+?

I caught my boyfriend of two years. He had asked me to proofread his paper on his Mac and the text messenger popped up in the right hand. He was sitting in his bed texting some girl "goodnight, I love you" while sitting right next to me in his bed. I deleted his entire paper, wrote "Who's Marissa?" saved it and told him it looks great and left.

She was his girlfriend of eight years who lived next to his parents two hours away.

A Sudden Change of Heart

I knew he was cheating when he suddenly became concerned about his looks but didn’t want me to look good. He went on a diet, started wearing contacts, and started shaving his pubic hair, which he wouldn’t do for me. Also became distant, had a lack of interest in sex, spent a lot of time on his phone, had weird mood swings that didn’t relate to our relationship fights/make ups, along with lots of other signs.

The Question You Don’t Want Answered

man between two women taking selfiePhoto by Elevate on Unsplash

I was "roommate with benefits" before and somehow I was the other woman. I don't know how he thought he was going to be able to keep the two of us a secret from each other. It's been about five years and when I think about it the emotion that comes back isn't sadness or anger from the betrayal, but amazement that he thought he was going to get away with it.

The Question You Don’t Want Answered

Back when Myspace survey quizzes were popular, I was reading one that she posted. A question on the quiz read "Who was the last person you kissed/had sex with?" The answer was not my name...

Racking up the Minutes

Phone bill was three times bigger than it should have been. Over 400 minutes to one number. The kicker was that she also had a company cell phone with unlimited calls that I obviously never would have known about, and the guy was someone she worked with. She literally wanted to get caught because she was too weak to tell me to my face.

Fly Me to the Moon

a woman looking out the window of an airplanePhoto by Chris Curry on Unsplash

Just got on a flight in London headed to Vegas. Sitting next to my GF, and she wants to show me something she has planned for the trip, so gets out her phone. It opens to the Messages and shows a chat with a guy (I know him) saying how much she is going to miss him and how she doesn't want to go away with me anyway. The doors close on the plane and that was a really fun 10-11hrs...

A Little Subtlety Can Go a Long Way

Right before my ex got caught cheating, I saw his phone laying on the couch like it fell out of his pocket. I picked it up just as he realized he'd dropped it. I swear, he leapt across the room to take it from my hand before I could even say a word. I had already begun suspecting, but that was pretty definitive that I was right.

Setting an Example for the Baby

When I got home from work, she would be going to work and I would be hanging out with our baby. Around the time he was one and a half, she started going to the bar with co-workers. I was fine with it because it wasn't often, maybe one night a week, and she came back home by 12. It quickly got up to coming home between 2:30 am and 4 am, plastered, four to six times a week.

She started mentioning this one co-worker a lot and how cool he was. My paranoia got the better of me and I checked her phone one alcohol-induced coma night and she had been trying to get said co-worker to meet with her at an abandoned gas station a few miles up the road while she was on her way out.

I approached her and asked what she planned to do when he showed up, "just hang out and shoot the s***!" to which I replied, "While you’re drunk, at 2 am, behind an abandoned gas station..." She never admitted to it, but that, a lot of not-even-subtle clues and people I knew seeing her out at the bar gave me all I needed to know.

The Roommate Disagreement

woman in brown shirt covering her facePhoto by Fa Barboza on Unsplash

She was having an argument with a housemate and they shouted at her—with me in the room—“At least I'm not cheating on my fiancé!” She moved out less than a week later.

Happy...Birthday?

I went to her 18th birthday party. I wandered around mingling with all her friends, and then I realized I hadn't seen her anywhere in like 45 minutes. I thought nothing of it at first, but then I went downstairs to use the basement bathroom. It was locked. I knocked and I heard a very breathy female voice say, "Occupied! Go Away!" Since I really had to go, I decided to wait.

GF came stumbling out of the bathroom with some guy about ten minutes later, looking all flustered and stinking. Apparently, the guy bought himself a bathroom quickie with a few hits of a toke. She made some excuse about how they were "just talking" and he was an old friend. I shrugged, actually wanting to believe her.

But when I went in to finally go to the bathroom, the stupid girl had forgotten her panties on the bathroom floor. I handed them to her in front of all her friends upstairs and walked out. "Here. You forgot these in the bathroom downstairs." It was one of those classic zinger moments when you really burned someone, but at the time, I just felt sick and brokenhearted.

Those Dog-Walkers Will Get You Every Time

Not so subtle, but my ex was being guarded with his phone, and every time I caught a glimpse of the screen while he was using it, it was the same girl. Asked who she is and it's his friend from "dog-walking club" Yeah right—they actually met on Tinder. He also went through my phone, and not very subtly either, because he accidentally sent random thumbs up to a lot of people on Facebook chat.

Then there was the random message from the above-mentioned girl, who had gone to the effort of looking me up and telling me to"back off her boyfriend." Hahahahahaha. There were a lot of things she didn't know either, apparently.

Thanks for the Reminder

man and woman lying on grassPhoto by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

I technically didn't catch him cheating, because he came clean about it when he broke up with me. I did, however, find out who he cheated with. He told me it was with his friend Natalie, who I had never heard of before, except for the time maybe days earlier when he told me about his "half black" friend Natalie. Ok, at the time I wasn't sure why he shared this detail.

This was ten years ago when we were all fresh out of high school, so I don't remember exactly how the conversation went. Days go by and a coworker asks me if we're still together, because she saw him kissing a girl, and she shares her description as "darker skinned." I tell her we broke up, and that's probably the girl he cheated on me with, it's ok.

Days go by and my good friend Nora's older brother invites me to hang out, totally out of the blue. I take him up on it and we go to a park near his parents' house. Lo, we spot Nora's car. We're walking through the park and there's Nora's parents' dog running around off leash. And there, on a gentle slope, is Nora and my recent ex making out on the grass.

Nora and her brother are Egyptian and could easily be described as "half black" or "darker skinned." My ex had made Natalie up.

Status: It’s Not That Complicated

Literally five hours after we broke up, he updated his Facebook relationship status to "engaged" to a girl who I thought he was just friends with. She uploaded a photo showing off the ring with the caption "he finally asked, and I said yes!"

Second in Command

Phone dinged, I checked it, (same phones no case both charging next to each other.) The text said, "I miss you too" and was from a girl he was dating when we were separated. Fast forward a few months to when he deploys. Check his email because at this point I know something is up. Find emails, so I contact the mistress.

She was very transparent with me and told me that basically, they were dating before he even met me, which means he courted me, asked me to marry him, married me then we had a child together all while he was still seeing her. We separate for a year, he dates her exclusively, we get back together, and he maintains a relationship with her. All of this without me knowing.

I found this all out while I was a month away from birthing his second child and he's getting shot at in Afghanistan. We decide to work through it, but I never could get over the fact that he cheated on me for four years and had no problem hiding it from me, and only came clean because I found out, as in, he had no intention of coming clean.

When he returned home he confessed to many other times with other people (thank GOD I never got an STD). After three subsequent years of him refusing to go to counseling so that we can ACTUALLY deal with it, he tells me he wants a divorce (a month before we are supposed to get a permanent change of station to Alaska). Moved back home with the kids, filed for divorce and life is amazingly better now. Screw that guy!

Raise the Roof

women standing side-by-side on street during daytimePhoto by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

My cousin showed me a picture of her hooking up with the male stripper at her bachelorette party.

For My Ears Only

I caught my dad cheating on my stepmom because he said he wanted to listen to Adele on my headphones. The second he said that, I knew something was up. He would never take me and my sister out for any reason other than personal pleasure and why ask for my headphones. I come to find out after a little bit of snooping on his phone that he was sending Facebook audio messages to girls, so his wife couldn't read the messages. That really changed how I saw my dad.

Not That Kind of Emergency

She told me her little cousin (who is mentally handicapped) swallowed something (a battery I think) and was in the hospital in NC and was flying down there. Later, she went and took a nap. I was on the computer, clicked on the favorite place link to Gmail and saw a flight confirmation email to NY. I realized it was her account and not mine.

I sat at the edge of the bed calm as could be and as soon as she woke up I asked her what she was doing in NY. She tried to say she didn't know what I was talking about, but I told her I saw the email. She then said she was going to visit some friends, and I was like oh, is that why you made up this big lie about your cousin?

Dial 1 for Heartbreak

grayscale photo of man holding telephonePhoto by Angelika Agibalova on Unsplash

He was in the basement of the house we had JUST BOUGHT TOGETHER having phone sex with her, not realizing that the sound would travel through the vents. It sucked at the time but in hindsight, he did me a huge favor.

Wake up Call

My girlfriend started working with and talking about this girl and inviting the girl and her GF to go to dinner with us. We went on a double date with this couple a few times over the course of three weeks and I noticed every time we were all four out, my girlfriend would drink much more heavily than usual. It was weird.

We were having them over for dinner one Sunday, but had an adult sports game before (which usually involved light drinking) and she was acting super weird about making sure we were home on time and had dinner ready, etc. That night, after they left, she passed out on the couch next to me. Her Apple watch buzzed, and I glanced over and saw a selfie of this girl.

This was enough to get me to look at her phone (for the first time ever) where I find texts with sexting and details about their hookup. I took screenshots of all of it and sent it to my phone.I got dressed, texted a friend, packed a backpack, and woke her up by throwing her phone (with those messages open) at her and walking out the door.

She groggily sorted it all out and attempted to contact me all night and eventually texted the other girl's GF those screenshots, which I thought was pretty cruddy. Sort of an "if I'm going down, you're going down with me."

Fashion Statements

My first GF, that I had lost my virginity to, banged some dude from high school that allowed her to wear his letterman jacket home since it was cold. He came to her house to get it back and said it just felt right. All while I was at work. The worst part was she told me on AIM when I got home!

Sleepover

woman in blue denim jeans lying on bedPhoto by Adam Winger on Unsplash

He has a longtime friend of his (who happened to be female) who was staying the night. She was sleeping in the basement bedroom and we were upstairs. Well, he slipped out of bed in the middle of the night and woke me up. When he noticed, he told me he had to go to the bathroom. I guess I already had my suspicions, because I lay there and listened to him walk down the hall, then past the bathroom, and down the stairs.

So, I followed. And caught him in the basement getting ready to have sex with her. Oh. I was not a happy puppy. Was stupid and tried to salvage our engagement, but I wasn't "fun anymore" and he left.

While You Were Working

My ex worked a night shift and I worked day shift, so I'd wait for her to come home (so kids wouldn't be sleeping alone) and one night she just didn't show up...Pulled up Find my iPhone to find out she's at her ex’s house. She came home a little later after texting/calling her constantly with some extra news: he got her pregnant...What a wonderful day.

Good Luck Getting a Ride

I had let her borrow my car while I took the bus to work, my friend called me at work to say that my girl was making out with some guy in my car. So I got a taxi over there and yup, there she was. I knocked on the window guy jumped out. I was going to start beating his ass, but I told him to just leave, this might not be your fault.

She started making excuses, I just asked her to step out of the car. Got my keys and drove away a mess, she screwed me up for a long time. She made me lose trust in women and messed up my concept of relationships for a long time.

Say Cheese!

man in black shirt holding black smartphonePhoto by Shane on Unsplash

When I was at college we had this campus Twitter account that people would post pictures of random people caught making out at parties to. I blacked out one Saturday night and woke up to a few angry texts…

Band Camp Blues

When I was 14/15 years old and at band camp, my best friend (let's call her Emma) and I were dating two boys who were best friends. Typical, right? So, one day Emma and I get out of rehearsal and we go to meet up with our boyfriends, who are nowhere to be found. So we look harder, we're wandering around campus, and we hear low voices behind a ledge.

Lo and behold, our precious boyfriends were there...MAKING OUT WITH EACH OTHER. Emma immediately started crying, which caused the boys to pull apart with a suctiony schluuurp. I suppose I wasn't as in love with Boyfriend as I thought, because my reaction was to laugh hysterically. I had never seen two boys make out before. It wasn't bad.

Double Standards

She told me in gratuitous detail the name, body type and acts she performed with like ten different dudes—ranging from making out to intercourse with "only" two dudes. She thought I would forgive her and it’d bring us closer and like it’d be good, so we could talk about those experiences together. After this, she moved for an "open" relationship—which made it all okay because she'd get to retroactively apply our "open" status.

I was young, in love, and heartbroken so I said yes because I was desperate to hang on to her. Then she broke up with me when I hooked up with someone else after like four months of "open" status and her having like a primary friend-with-benefits because I "liked her too much."

Gridlock

grayscale photo of woman standing between two menPhoto by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash

Was dating a girl in college and didn't think she was cheating. Another guy she was dating thought she was. He found my info in her phone and texts me about it. He wants to confront her. We both meet up at her place while she isn't home. He's a nice guy and we honestly got along pretty well for the half hour we talked before she arrived.

She saw us both as she drove up and the look on her face was shock. By the time she got out of her car she was crying but didn't say a word to us. We went in her apartment and her roommate acted as the mediator but it didn't really get anywhere. Me and the other guy were pissed and wanted answers. We weren't getting any so we both gave her some choice words and rolled out.

It’s Either Me or Pop Tarts

A friend in college cheated on his girlfriend because she told him he had to stop eating pop tarts so he could lose weight, and he didn't know how to break up with her. When she found out, he straight up told her to her face that he couldn't give up pop tarts. I wish that was a lie, those things are pretty darn high in calories.

Neal, Neal, Neal

My GF was getting ready for work one day and I noticed she was wearing makeup which she hadn't done in a very long time. I sarcastically asked her, "Is Neal working tonight with you?" to which she said, “no, I just wanted to look nice today.” I dropped her off at work and who was there? Neal, that dirty rat. Like in other stories, sometimes it's the abrupt change in a subtle thing about a person that sets off the warning bells.

Well This One Is a Little Weird...

white and blue dream catcherPhoto by Dyaa Eldin on Unsplash

I've never been able to explain it, but I saw my ex cheating on me in a dream. I saw everything. I told her about it and she freaked out. (To be fair, I described the dude's bedspread, fish-tank, and his room. I have never been there).

Wouldn’t Wait

I was 17 and he was my first boyfriend. I wasn't going to sleep with him and told him as much, so he was having sex with a girl who I knew from church youth group in his car before he would come hang out with me. She wanted him all to herself, so she showed me the messages—I was dumb and didn't believe her because this wasn't the first time she had stirred up drama like this.

Sure enough, his car was outside the church in the back corner of the parking lot and he was waiting for her. Although, TBH, I was mostly just dating him because I hadn't been kissed yet and was tired of waiting for someone I could see myself falling in love with. I was angrier over the humiliation of being cheated on more than because I loved him.

Star-Crossed Lovers

My ex was very into astrology. She cheated on me, and blamed it on the timing of the great American eclipse of August 2017.

Delete From Contacts

man standing on top of rock mountain during golden hourPhoto by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Ex-girlfriend. Woke up one morning and it was plastered all over her Snapchat story of her making out with her ex at some Christmas party. This was the day after a very intense romantic evening with her...Was a tough day to get through for sure. She decided to completely drop contact with me after with no answers as to what happened, but thank goodness I'm out of that train wreck now though...One month on and I'm doing much better.

You Haven’t Evolved Enough to Come up With a Better Excuse Than That?

When my husband and his mistress got caught, they tried to invoke an evolution argument and convince me that "humans aren't meant to be monogamous." I'm like, "if you don't believe in monogamy, why did you even marry in the first place? You could have joined a free love hippie commune at any time if you wanted to. But that's not what you did."

Misplaced Pep Talk

I remember I was brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror, and I thought to myself, "I finally feel like I can trust her! I don't think she has been unfaithful at all to me. That's a good feeling!" I went back to the computer where we had a Skype session going, and I told her my mirror thoughts. I was so proud of myself because I can have trust issues.

She immediately went silent and started biting her lip. I was like "ooooofff course.." She ended up telling me that things got rekindled with her ex, and they started hooking up again. It was just the worst because we were in a long distance stint of our relationship. We broke up, and she got back together with him, and then wanted me back, and then wanted him back. I'm not even sure where it all stands now, but we don't communicate.

Betrayed by Your Own Family

men's gray suit jacketPhoto by Scott Webb on Unsplash

My dad told me. 5 years later. On the morning of my wedding to another woman. After I dumped the cheater for unrelated reasons. And my entire family pushed for me to get back together with her. AND THEY KNEW SHE WAS CHEATING.

Life is Too Short to Waste on Guys Like Sam

My best friend was in the hospital having emergency surgery, during which she almost died. Her family told her boyfriend, Sam, about her situation. He never responded or showed up to see or ask how she was doing. He then proceeded to cheat on her with some girl from high school, claiming, “She didn’t answer my texts for two whole days!!” Yeah, because she was nearly dead, you jerk!

Tripped up

I was gone for a week for work. Got back to my building after a flight home and had no ride. She forgot to come pick me up. I finally got a hold of her, came to pick me up half drunk, went back to our house, I was unpacking and turned around and she had her hair and makeup done and just said "I'm going out, see ya" and left. This was after I had been gone for a week.

The next day was Friday, she had got home after I went to bed and left for work before me. I got home, and she was already gone, and had texted me and said she was going to her friend's house to hang out for a house party for the weekend. I didn't hear from her again for two days despite calling and texting her. She got home late Sunday night and told me she "lost her phone in the couch.”

I told her this wasn't working, and she needed to leave. She packed a bag while I cracked a beer on the couch. A couple days later, my friend emailed me a boatload of pictures from the weekend she disappeared, all of her and the guy she was cheating on me with. He had posted them on his Myspace that Sunday evening. She actually continued to mess up things for me for quite a while after this, financially mostly, but eventually, I got free of that disaster and moved on happily.

Good Thing She Didn’t Call Your Bluff

man in gray crew neck long sleeve shirt standing beside woman in black crew neck shirtPhoto by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

She kept deleting all her texts... I got suspicious and told her I had a cool program on my PC that picks up all texts wirelessly. Confronted her saying I had seen them on my PC, she admitted it without me seeing a thing.

Get Thee to a Dentist

One morning, I went to brush my teeth and my toothbrush was wet. I found that odd, so I asked my girlfriend if she had used the blue toothbrush, and she said “yeah” all casual. I said that the pink toothbrush was hers, and she played it off like she didn’t know. I suddenly realized that we had been using the same toothbrush for a few weeks, and it kind of grossed me out. That started a very small argument. I went to work, as did she, but she didn’t come home that night. The next morning, I called her out and she admitted that she slept with another guy who "didn’t think she was gross."

Silence Does Not Equal Consent

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me when I fell asleep. She said since I wasn't responding when she asked if I would be okay with it, she assumed I was. Wack!

While You Were Healing

man covering face with both hands while sitting on benchPhoto by Christian Erfurt on Unsplash

Oh man I have a winner. I had surgery on my testicles due to a possible tumor (it wound up being benign), so I'm recovering that evening in bed. My girlfriend (long-distance) visited me to take care of me. All is going great, except for my crotch hurting and my wearing of a diaper—but hey, I had just come back from Afghanistan, so life was still pretty sweet.

My girlfriend offers to make me some food. Sweet. So she asks me to look up a recipe on my phone. I can't find my phone—so she tosses me hers. Well, let me tell you, in the midst of me looking up a great Chicken Cordon Bleu recipe, a message from my friend Ryan flashes across the top of the screen. I can't make it out, but it looks an awful lot like sex.

I'm like, "Oh Ryan, what are you giving a hard time to my girlfriend about," So I click the message, if only to relay what I presumed was a joke to her. Well, let me tell you, the joke was on me. Those two had been going to Bonetown, USA, while I was deployed. They talked about me being gone as a sexcation. My girlfriend asks if I found anything good.

I'm like "Oh heck yeah." Now, I show her the texts. She denies anything happened. Which is, well dumb—so me being a man of dignity, kick her out of the apartment and send her on her way to Georgia. Wearing adult diapers, I kicked her out of my place. Honestly, I just wish I had found out after I had eaten some Cordon Bleu.

Love Is Not a Game

I'd finished doing the dailies on my WoW character, and I knew he wasn't going to be home for a while so like many times before (with his permission) I logged into his account to do dailies for him. Then the PM's started. Very explicit PM's. Not only was he cheating on me in a game (with loads of people, cybersex in WoW, eugh). But it got worse.

There was one girl who was talking about things outside the game too. I admit I played along for a while to see what was going on.After that, I told her who I was. It all ended rather badly, between her and I, him and I, and him and her.

Be Careful Who You Message

I was dating this dead beat guy for about 2 years. I lived on my parents' property and so did he, for free. One day while I was at work, I go on break and I get a FB message from a guy I barely know. It said "I don't know how you feel about this, but it bothers me." I click it and see a picture. At first I was thinking it was spam and almost deleted it before enlarging it (seemed like one of those click bait titles that hijacks your account).

Something made me decide to click it anyway. When I click it, I see a screenshot of a FB convo between my bf and his gf. He was hitting on her, telling her how much of POS her bf was and how he would treat her so much better than that. He told her not to tell anyone about the convo. Well, sucks for him because the girl immediately showed her bf, who showed me.

Ha! Judging by the time stamps, this conversation took place the previous night at MY house on MY laptop (it was the only way he could have this conversation). Needless to say, I left work early, went home, kicked him out of my place, and made him homeless. Oh well.

Less Than Immaculate Conception

pregnant woman wearing red long-sleeved dressPhoto by freestocks on Unsplash

I know this is cliche and I've definitely complained about it before, but coming home from a 12-month deployment to a black baby when we're both white were strike one and two. Strike three was her telling me she had black relatives (whom I've never met) so that could be what happened, sure. Doesn't matter what excuse you have, though, there isn't a magical 12 month gestation period. Makes me very angry.

Honesty Is the Best Policy

I was married for six years and caught my husband cheating. His response was to just shrug and say, "I got nothing." That was it.

Relationships are meant to be fun, and having a crush can feel so dreamy in a way, but there are reasons for relationships to end and crushes to dissolve.

Those reasons are absolutely valid, but some of them are also really terrible to think about.

A Redditor who has since deleted their account asked:

"What killed your feelings for someone you were once madly in love with?"

All For Convenience

"He just didn't seem to actually give a s**t about me, unless I was doing something for him or making his life easier."

- Foreveragu

The Biggest Ick

"When he left me for someone half my age. By the way, I was 29 years old."

- delusionallinkedchic

No Needs Met

"He stopped meeting my needs. I noticed he would bend over backwards for anyone else but neglected me all the time. Any small thing I asked was just too much."

"If he did ask me if I wanted anything from the store, etc., he would come back with everything everyone else asked for and he would forget mine. He peed on the toilet seat so many times and refused to be considerate and wipe after use..."

"The final straw was when I lost my brother recently. He just left me to grieve and didn't really give me any emotional support, no hugs, no asking if I'm alright. He became irritable and moody and now I've just lost whatever was left."

- velvetcharlotte

Their Smallest Fan

"Their constant daily criticism of everything I do, every little thing!"

- jay105000

The Unfaithful Partner

"She cheated on me with a married man. I cried and said I thought we were going to get married someday."

"She said, 'I was NEVER going to marry you!'"

"Nice way to kick someone when they're down..."

- Weary_Boat

Too Humbling of an Experience

"She said, 'I'm just... better than you.'"

"That was said to me the night after I finished my first degree in music. Apparently, I wasn't a 'hard science' major, so all her friends convinced her that I wasn't as good as them... or her."

"Ah well. Could have been worse."

- ThePencilRain

Not In Sickness, Just Health

"He treated my like s**t while I was going through cancer treatment."

- Multipass08

In Love With Being Chased

"In secondary school, I had a crush on a close friend, we were close as friends but nothing more. I eventually (after probably four years of showing hints, getting her gifts, and asking her out to meals and dates) told her exactly how I felt, and asked her how she felt."

"She knew already, but she wanted me to keep trying. She didn't want to be with me, she enjoyed having someone follow her around and dote on her. She then proceeded to have a relationship with every bloke in a friendship group."

"Not gonna lie, I was broken for a good while, but several relationships later, I haven't spoken to her in several years, but keep up with our old friend groups. According to them, she is desperately lonely after doing this with several other guys and now no one wants anything to do with her..."

"But yeah, being told she knew and that nothing was going to change killed all sorts of feelings in me for a long time."

- Practical_Junket8195

The One Who Projects

"The lying, cheating, and stealing."

"Plus all the accusations against me cheating and lying. And false allegations when I didn't react to the drama. Physically and emotionally abusive but I'm the male so no one cares."

"That kind of does it. It's sad, to be honest."

- Encased_in_Gold

So, So True

"Loss of trust does it every time. There can be no love without trust."

- mkwas343

Desperate for Love

"Awareness of my own false overhyped perception of her and realized that I have been overlooking her flaws because I was desperate to be with someone."

- ZenMyst

Disloyal and Unsupportive: A Classic Combination

"He cheated on me and told me it's not his problem so I should solve it alone and come back to him once I let go of things. Left him the next day."

- Buttercup0616

The Lack of Respect

"The put-downs, the insults disguised as jokes, constant derision, threats of cheating, laziness, greed, not caring about what they look like (wanting you to be in tip-top shape all the time, while they gain and get heavier and heavier)."

"They look down on you, treat you like a child or worse. Treated like a servant... or a slave. I could just carry on, but I could just give a few examples of my own experience. But you've read my rant long enough to get what I am saying."

- Background_Break2616

Absolutely No Excuse

"Subtle racist remarks that snowballed into blatant racism. Hopefully they have changed for the better."

- ThreeOneThirdMan

Not As a Second Option

"She said no and then came back a few days later saying actually yes, why not."

"Yeah no, you had one chance baby and you blew it."

- Maaaaaath

It's clear why these relationships ended. While it's nice for relationships to work out, a person shouldn't stay with it just for the sake of having a relationship, and these are great examples of why.

Man swimming with sharks
Mike L/Unsplash

The Final Destination movies are not good for those who have any phobias, as the franchise taps into all your fears.

In spite of the films making audiences paranoid about cheating death, it does make you think about our mortality and of the many times we may have had brushes with death.

No matter how hard the characters tried to avoid it, they could never change their fate because any attempt to do so would only result in death striking back with an unforgiving vengeance.

However, there are exceptions.

Strangers online reflected on their evasiveness when Redditor yuckyduckph asked:

"How did you almost die?"

Beauty grows in nature.

But don't be fooled, for risks abound.

Potent Bloom

"Got lost in the Bolivian rainforest for three days after consuming tea made from angel trumpets."

– Leftsuitcase

"I have Angel's Trumpets (Datura) in my back yard, and everywhere in my neighborhood / around town. I don't know how many people realize how toxic they are. In some areas in S America, people refuse to even stand near them. They're quite beautiful in full bloom, tho. NS if all the species (inc hybrids) are dangerous. Cue: botanist."

"I've never understood you people who go drink random plant potions in the jungle, far from hospitals, with 'shamans' 'n' sh*t. Half of my friends have done that. But another friend of mine recently died that way. He was super smart and cautious, too. Had a family. Always be skeptical, wary, and weigh out risks.""

– manlypanda

Warning Ignored

"I was leaving a restaurant with my boyfriend one night and saw a couple in the parking lot messing around."

"She was dancing seductively with a big bunch of Oleander flowers gripped in her teeth."

"For those that don’t know, Oleanders are very popular for hedges, hard to kill, but are extremely toxic. You’re not supposed to trim them without gloves."

"I stopped in a panic screaming at her to spit it out while telling her boyfriend they were toxic and she should go to the ER immediately."

"They thought I was kidding and told me to basically f'k off. My boyfriend dragged me away and said we should get out of there because we didn’t want to see how it ended..."

– flavius_lacivious

Rare Respiratory Attack

"Caught an incredibly rare fungus that attacked my lungs and would have attacked my other internal organs. Took two years to diagnose because it’s so rare. Only patient my respirologist has ever seen with it. Dropped to almost 80 pounds. I could literally feel myself slowly dying."

"Infectious aspergillosis. Extremely rare. Almost everyone has some aspergillis in their system because it’s everywhere."

– KathAlMyPal

The ocean holds many secrets.

Dangerous Stunt

"In the fall of '91 I was in Hawaii and dove into this blow hole in Hanauma Bay. (That's not me in the video, but it's the blow hole.)"

"My buddies were doing it and it was no problem for them."

"The problem for me was that I was a lot bigger than them, so my lats got stuck as I was face down in the hole."

"The concept is you time the waves and dive in just as the water recedes and the flow pulls you through."

"Well, I got stuck and had to wiggle my way down, ripping up the skin on my lats and ribs."

"So I finally get down and I have to swim like a mofo, but it's too late...the next flow is coming in."

"I'm at the edge, almost there, so I have to grab onto the edge with both hands like a kidnapping victim holds the doorframe so as not to be abducted."

"The wave cycle is not very long, but when you're doing something new and panicking, it feels like an eternity."

"I've heard they have closed off this portion of the bay."

"I know I don't need to do that again!"

– saleswhisperer

Massive Rip Tide

"I swam under the diving rock at Waimea Bay and almost didn't make it to other side (smoker). Same day they dug out the lagoon channel to make the endless wave. My 'friend' took me out to learn bodysurfing the shorebreak and it was about 8 foot sets which were HUGE and heavy. We go to swim out and get absolutely pummeled and pulled out. Then trying to get back in we got sucked into that lagoon river outflow and it was basically a massive rip tide. In about five minutes we were 400 yards out in the bay with out a boogie/surf board. We had to swim east towards sunset Bay to get to shore. I still can't believe we made it."

– Brutusmatic

Place To Avoid

"Exploring tidal cliffs, accidentally slipped into the water. Went in sideways, narrowly missed hitting my head. Just barely clawed my way out of the rough tidal zone; it was way over my head & was so choppy I was being slammed against rock. Please be careful around tidal cliff zones!"

– beachblanketparty

Grateful For Jellyfish

"When I was about 14 I slipped on a tidal cliff hit my head and went into the water, luckily I didn’t go unconscious but I was caught in the under current and couldn’t see which way was up because it was so f'king cold and dark (Oregon coast, pacific ocean), and just as I was about to give up I saw all these tiny jellyfish above me and swam towards them, got me to the surface and I was able to make it back to shore because I was a pretty strong swimmer at the time."

"Thank you Jellyfish"

"Several years later two people I know were hit by a sneaker wave very close to the same spot and they both died being crushed up against those rocks."

– CurseofLono88

Things don't get any better on terra firma.

Nearly Skewered

"T-boned by a cement truck. Guy at the tow yard couldn’t believe I was still alive."

– psharp203

"I can't believe you are still alive either, I've watched two of those cave a road and heard horror stories about them tipping. You good? Got all ya bits n pieces?"

– FlyerOfTheSkys

The Major Rescue Operation

"Went on a high elevation alpine hike on Mt. Rainier with an out of town friend. At around 10,000 feet we decided it was time to head back down the mountain. About five minutes into the descent I was in an uncontrolled glissade across a snow field."

"Even though I knew better, after I was unable to slow myself I put my feet down. That's when my crampons bit into the snow and stopped me, sending all of the force into my legs. I heard an unsettling pop and felt excruciating pain. As soon as I stopped I looked down and saw that the heel of my left boot was where the toe should have been."

"I had severely broken my leg and I was at least a 3 hour hike down with sunlight (and warmth) declining. We were not equipped to be there after dark. Within a couple of minutes I could feel my extremities beginning to tingle. Was going into shock. Fortunately, I had some glucose gel packs which I began to suck on. And that seemed to keep the shock at bay."

"Which was a good thing because the radiating pain was quite enough. Our cell phones weren't working well but another stroke of luck was that I had put a GMRS radio in the bottom of my pack and as such we were able to get word out on the radio that we were in trouble and needed help."

"Ham radio operators heard us and relayed our position and the details to the rangers. The National Park Service couldn't get a helicopter that was willing to fly to that elevation so late in the day (on a Sunday in early October). So they had to gather a party of climbing rangers to come get me."

"A couple of other climbers on the way up the mountain really saved me by giving up their climb and assisting me, covering me with sleeping bags and making tea while one of them went back down the mountain to meet the rangers coming up. Shock and hypothermia very likely would have done me in that night if they hadn't happened upon us and helped."

"It was pitch dark and freezing cold by the time the rangers arrived four hours later. They strapped me into a litter and had to carry me off the mountain. Unfortunately, the climbing rangers are not EMTs and do not dispense meds. So even though they were doing all of the work on the climb down it was absolutely excruciating for me. It was almost 9 hours between the time of the accident and the time I checked in to the emergency room."

– cjboffoli

The one time I casually got certified as a scuba driver was when I was in Cozumel, Mexico, I almost drowned.

I went exploring in an underwater cave, where I probably shouldn't have gone as an amateur diver. I remember swimming upwards and smacking my head pretty hard on some rock work. I felt like I was about to pass out.

I tried my best not to panic, which probably saved my life. I slowly found my way out of the darkness and eventually out of the waters. I felt dizzy the rest of the day.

Yeah, I haven't gone scuba diving since.

Little girl looking out a window
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Memory can be a funny thing.

There are some memories in which every moment will remain completely vivid in our minds for the rest of our lives.

Others we might remember the context and moments from, but find ourselves a bit hazy on some specifics and details.

Some people have memories like that from their childhood, where they weren't exactly sure what they were remembering.

With a little time, as well as some context from others, discovering what these memories were is sometimes a very rude awakening indeed.

As the only way to describe these particular memories could be "F*cked up."

Redditor Specific_Dimension77 was curious to hear from people with memories from childhood which they learned in adulthood were a bit more unsettling than they realized, leading them to ask:

"What’s something f*cked up you witnessed during your childhood, but didn’t realize the severity of until you were older?"

Unknowingly Complicit...

"My dad and I used to play 'Spaceship”'and to get the spaceship started, I’d have to blow into a tube to hear the electronic beep."

"It was his DUI test to start the car before they started putting cameras in the cars."

"Glad he’s sober these days."- Expensive_Change_893

"Pretty sure when I was 7 I was an accomplice to robbery."

"I was supposed to stay the night at my friend's house."

"Her parents said we're stopping to look at a house real quick."

"I didn't think anything of the adults all black outfits."

"They were still professional."

"I did think it was odd that they had me go through the bathroom window to unlock the door, but they said the realtor forgot to give them the key."

"This was such a beautiful, wealthy home."

"They didn't take anything large, but I did notice the mom leaving with a lot more jewelry on the she came in with."

"She said she left it last time they were there."- prettylittlepastry

Sometimes Its A Blessing When A Memory Gets Foggy

"I was sitting on the couch at 5 yo when my parents started arguing and my mom threw a red book at my dad."

"Just thought it was a fight."

"Turns out it was their pre-divorce fight after my dad caught her cheating."

"Didn’t learn about the cheating until I was 16 and only recently learned it was a brick that she threw at him."- missybeputtinitdown

"To Err Is Human, To forgive Is Divine."

"One of the times my dad left he would send me beautiful letters with the envelope decorated in different cartoons and cute drawings."

"I was maybe 9 at the time and clueless."

"A few years later I realized he would decorate the envelopes to take attention away from the red 'inmate mail' stamp on it."- Smolbeanis

Sense Memory

"When I was about 12, me and dad were walking the dog, when we saw a huge fire at a house at the end of our street."

"My dad was a fireman at the time, so his first reaction was to sprint towards it."

"Naturally, I followed him."

"A crowd of people had gathered around a bus shelter nearby, so I went to see what was happening."

"On the ground was a kid from my school, I think he was 2 or 3 years below me."

"I'll never forget how badly his face and hands were burnt."

"The skin was a strange mixture of charred flesh and fresh blood."

"I just froze for what felt like an eternity before my dad found me and sent me home whilst he stayed to help."

"The kid survived, but it was years before I saw him again."

"He was horribly disfigured as a result."

"I don't think about it much, but every summer we have a barbeque, and the smell of the coals takes me right back to that evening."- Full-Cardiologist233

Privilege Check

"When I was a kid, we took a family trip to Las Vegas and stayed at Circus Circus."

"My mom wanted to get a magnet or souvenir from Caesar’s Palace, so we parked somewhere and went inside."

"I wanna say we might have parked in an area reserved for staff?"

"Or it could’ve been for guests/visitors."

"That part is very fuzzy."

"My parents didn’t care regardless and had never been there."

"When we were walking back to the car and over a sewer grate (the kind with slots) I sneezed."

"A gruff, male voice from below in the sewer said 'bless you!'"

"Being an innocent kid, I said thanks as my parents hurried my brother and I into the rental car."

"Years later as an adult, I watched a documentary about homeless people who live in the Las Vegas sewers."

"In it when they’re inside one of the sewer tunnels, their guide pointed up at a sewer grate above them and said 'you see this?'"

"'This is the parking lot of Caesar’s Palace'.”

"That whole realization that I was there as a kid gave me whiplash."- snickerdoodle_bandit

The Truth Can Really Hurt

'My seventh grade English teacher accidentally gave me a document he had written."

"It was on an old floppy disc he assumed was blank."

"It described how he volunteered with an humanitarian group in the 70's that traveled through impoverished countries and provided free vasectomies."

"They eventually trained him how to do it, and he would do them, even though he had no real medical training."

"This is not even the messed up part."

"He goes on to explain that he decides that he wanted a vasectomy and to do it himself. He then described in very graphic detail how he did it to himself."

"He even said the date, like March 1st, 1981, or something like that."

"He described in detail cutting through things, and how rubbery it felt."

"Again, not the f*cked up part."

"I thought the story was hilarious because he wrote scrotum so many times, and I was a seventh grader."

"Well, I spread the story around to my friends."

"It eventually spread to a parent, that shared it with the school."

"His wife who was also a teacher there, promptly quit."

"Their son who was younger than me, born in the 90's, also left the school."

"He kept his job."

"What I figured out much later was that his wife had cheated on him and had gotten pregnant, but pretended like it was his."

"The f*cked up part is that he obviously knew she cheated, but never told her."

"He had raised the boy as his own son."

"Once she realized he was sterile, and he's known the entire time, she left him and took the kid."

"Had I not shared that story, that kid could have lived his entire life without knowing, and that family could have stayed together."- fredsam25

The Things People Do For Money

"I was sledding with a friend and saw smoke on the horizon."

'His mom came and picked us up."

"It was my 3rd-floor apartment on fire with my mom and grandma (and others) outside in the cold."

"Everyone got out safely, but we couldn't find our cat (until later)."

"My computer and Star Wars collection among so many other things were destroyed."

"We still have the photos."

"Found out later, unknown to her, my mom's BF owned the building and had the dumb a$ manager wack a pipe so he could get the insurance $$."

"My mother has been somewhat of a hoarder since."- determinedforce

Not Trusting Others Cause No One Could Trust Him...

"My parents divorced when I was 3 because my father got another woman pregnant."

"When I was 6, my father took me and my two older sisters (10 and 15 at the time) to 'donate blood'."

"Decades later I’m talking to my mom about it and she reveals it was a paternity test, as my father didn’t believe I was his daughter."

"Test proved I was in fact his."

"Probably should have realized sooner that a 6 is a bit young to be donating blood."- miss-quiche-lorraine·

Some might say these poor people would be better off if they didn't know the truth.

But facing the truth and confronting our demons is sometimes the only way we can move on with our lives.

Even if the memories will never stop haunting us.