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Teachers Share The Best Burns They've Given A Student

Teachers Share The Best Burns They've Given A Student

Teachers are usually nurturing and try their best to help their students succeed. Sometimes that takes the form of joking around with students, and sometimes its just too hard to resist that sick burn when the opportunity presents itself.

Reddit user u/OskarGR8 asked:

"Teachers of Reddit, what is the best roast you ever told a student?"


My dad was an English teacher on the west side of Chicago in the 80s. They were reading Moby Dick and some kid in the back of the classroom yelled "MY d*ck" and my dad responded with, "were talking about long novels not short stories"



While learning about Catherine the Great, one kid in class said "oh she's the one that loooved horses" and the teacher nonchalantly replied, "Yes, she greatly enjoyed the occasional ride."



I was substitute teaching last spring in a high school math class. Pretty easy gig, the students were just doing worksheets while I wrote bathroom passes and monitored behavior. One kid is trying to push my buttons by singing Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes. When he got to the line "I got hoes", I interjected "no you don't". It effectively got him to stop singing. Nothing less cool than being roasted by the sub.



First day of class. Walked in to see a giant cock and balls drawn on the whiteboard. Uh - OK, this isn't entirely unexpected from a bunch of 14/15 year old boys from very religious families.

Start to wipe it off. It's been done in permanent marker. Hearing lots of snickering from a particular corner.

Small voice whispers to me 'if you go over it with drywipe, it'll come off, Miss'. Considered the implications of the Head walking in as I'm painstakingly going over the outline.

Slowly, I turn my head towards the source of the snickering.

Three boys are then instructed to do it for me. 'you need to pay more attention to the base of the shaft', 'Michael, you've missed the tip of the glans'. Once it had been done and the entire thing had been erased, I ended the ten minutes of agony for them by announcing 'Right, just before we start the work you will now be continuing into your lunchbreak, I just want to say one thing. If that artwork is in any way, shape or form a Self Portrait, I strongly suggest that the owner gets himself to a doctor, as Peyronies will interfere with both masturbatory and, if a miracle occurs and they find themselves somebody actually willing to copulate with them, sexual satisfaction'.



I was about to start a lesson when a goofball kid from another class I also teach walked to the still open door. Sounds slightly better in Finnish, but whatever.

"Hey teach! My next lesson is boring. Can I come to this one instead?"

"I'm sorry studentname, but this is a 7. grade lesson. An 8. grader like you would be at an unfair advantage."

"Awww. How come can't still be on the 7. grade?"

"I also wonder this every single day."



I was teaching a contraception lesson to a group of fourteen year old boys. We had just finished practicing putting condoms, and moved into female contraception. The boys rapidly list interest and started getting rowdy, disrespecting the school nurse who was leading the lesson. I got their attention back and announced, "If any of you are ever lucky enough to get a girlfriend, it will be important that you understand how this works. Pay attention!" Quiet fell over the class and they behaved for the rest of the period



One day a kid from my health class brought a fidget spinner to play with. My health teacher took one look and told him, "2017 called and wants their toy back. Put it away."



Not a teacher but my friend was, and still is annoying sometimes and looks for some laughs every now and then. We sit down on a bench during lunch time and we see a teacher walk by. She calls over to the teacher, "HEY SIR, GIMME THAT BIN. WE HAVE SOME TRASH."

He looks back at us and yells,




3rd grade.

Class trouble maker is galloping around the classroom pretending to be a horse. Teacher is continually telling him to go to his seat.

He finally starts to gallop to his chair when the teacher walks up, takes his chair, looks at him and says

"horses don't sit"

Made him stand the entire rest of the class.
I think about that moment a lot. One of my favorite grade school memories.



Teacher here. I mic dropped in class last week and my students are still talking about it.

I teach psych and we are going over intelligence theories. A smart ass student who loves to push buttons asked why men are smarter than women because obviously all these theories are made by men so therefore all men are smarter. He does this all the time and the fact that I'm a woman he loves to try and say I'm not as good as the male teachers.
I looked at him and said "if men are smarter why aren't your grades higher?" The class lost it and he turned red and didn't try push it anymore.




The other day another teacher came into our class who has a bald head and he just got it waxed or something and my mate says "Fresh polish sir?" and the teacher fires back with "Anything for your mother mate." Class lost it laughing.



Teacher (my mother): Please sit down, the lesson has started.

Student: You can't tell me that, I'm not a dog.

Teacher: I know you're not a dog, because a dog is able to do that simple command.

She is still proud about that one and tells it at family gatherings.



I didn't intend it as a roast, but I got a long serious look and a pause when I told a student, "You're smart enough to be President, but with your manners, you're going to get fired from McDonalds instead."



After announcing the upcoming quiz for the umpteenth time....

Student: Wait! What? You can't spring a test on us with one day notice!

Me: I've been announcing it daily for two weeks.

Student: I never heard it.

Me: It's ok. I only wake you up for the really important announcements.

Class roared.



In 8th grade, we had a mock Constitutional Convention and we were each assigned a real person to portray. The class clown was assigned Benjamin Franklin.

When questioned on her decision, my teacher's response was "I tried to think of who would be perfect for the role and no-one came to mind. Then I thought of who would be the worst possible reincarnation of Ben Franklin... and here we are."



While explaining how reproduction works, one of my students was making gnarly comments so i said "Dont worry, you wont be getting any.."




I had a kid picking on the religious girl in class, asking her all sorts of tricky theological questions just so he could catch her out or something. When he asked "Does hell exist?" I said "Yes, it does. It's here, in the classroom, with you."



Student sitting with three friends: "1 in 4 people in [town the school is in] have an STD. (Pointing to friends) One... Two.. Three... Four." As he said four he pointed to himself and smiled like an idiot, as if to say he had sex.

Disregarding the nastiness of implying that he had himself an STD, I said: "[student name], you don't need to worry about it. You can't catch anything from your hand."



I was joking around with a student one day, and he was making some insults about my name. In response, I asked him. "Do you know what I like about you?" "What?" he replied. I said "Nothing!" He laughed about that.

The next day, our guidance counselor pulled me aside with a worried expression. "I got a call from [student's] mother. Did you tell [student] you like nothing about him?"

It turned out that the kid told his mother about that because he thought it was funny, but she was like, "How dare a teacher say that to my child!", and she called the school to complain. Fortunately, the administration believed my report of how it had happened.



My high school teacher put the sign up by the clock that said "time will pass but will you?" May not be a roast but my high school teachers were very "dry"


The Absolute Stupidest Things People Have Heard An 'Alpha Male' Say

Reddit user PrototypeShadowBlitz asked: 'Reddit, what is the stupidest thing you've heard from the "alpha male" community?'

Guy at the gym
Anastase Maragos/Unsplash

Tough guys put on a facade that indicates to others that they always know what's going on.

But their confidence doesn't always match their intellect, which is probably why they cover their insecurities by walking around and trying to show everyone who's really the boss.

If that's the case, they should keep their mouths shut because not everything that comes out of their mouth needs to be heard.

Yet, it can be amusing to everyone else.

Curious to hear examples of these, Redditor PrototypeShadowBlitz asked:

"Reddit, what is the stupidest thing you've heard from the 'alpha male' community?"

You might find these guys at a bar.

The Dude Must Be Hungry

"Had a run in once with a group of young lads about something in a bar and one of them said we are top of the food chain bro and you will be the prey."

– insertitherenow

"'Whatever, mall ninja" -proper response."

– TheEighthLord

If The Shoe Fits

"That they were an alpha male."

– I_Have_A_Name37654

"The use of 'Alpha Male,' unironically is every indication that you're dealing with a child's understanding of manhood."

– 88Dubs

Brat Pack

"Me and my bros are all alpha males."

– SonOfDadOfSam

"I was skiing one time and rode the lift with a guy that said, 'I don't feel no pain. I live with 5 roommates and none of us feel any pain.' Okay, bud. That's a really interesting coincidence."

– NicPizzaLatte

They sure thrive on making sexist comments.

Contagious Femininity

"A coworker said, 'I don't spend too much time with my girlfriend because I'll become too feminine.'"

– Lazy_Natural6154


– aliebabadegrote

Sexist Categorization

"I have been called a beta for saying that my wife makes more money than I do. She works in a more lucrative field and is more educated than I am, so it makes perfect sense that she makes more than I do."

"So I came back, and this post has really blown up. There's just a few things I want to clarify."

"1- I have only ever been called a beta online."

"2- I work full-time in project management. I have a master's degree. I have a 6 figure salary."

"3- My wife has a PhD and works in finance. She also has a 6 figure salary, it's just a higher salary than my own."

"4- I'm sorry to anyone who might feel as though my original post misled them."

– ExaminationDouble240

It's Teamwork

"A real man would be proud of his wife for achieving success, and not fall for that sort of insecure bullsh*t."

"It's not a contest, that's the real joke here. Good on you for seeing the big picture."

– Mrbeardoesthethings

Do these roles about parenting sound familiar?

Childish Things Are Too Girly

"Real men don't take their kids trick or treating is one that I heard recently."

– constructionguy89

"Related. Guys who brag about not changing diapers, not playing 'girly' games, etc. Essentially guys who brag that their only contribution to fatherhood is money and masculine things like fishing or football. Even then some of them brag about not paying a lot of child support to prove they didn't let the system take advantage of them."

"I can't imagine a life so empty my only accomplishment worth bragging about was being a terrible parent."

– Green7000

This Woman's Work

"I was told that taking care of my kids is woman's work. Apparently it's concerning that I try to spend so much of my free time with them. Oddly enough the meatheads at my grappling club think it's sweet I occasionally have my daughters' hair clips on and nails painted."

– MrFunktasticc

People discussed rules in the bedroom.

Never Submissive

"That a man is turned off when their wife/girlfriend seduces them, because if she wants sex and shows it she is a sl*t, also making the man the submissive one…"

– kamalaophelia

Stifling Emotions

"Not the whole community, but was cuddling with a guy once and could tell he was trying not to get emotional over something that was bothering him. He said, quite literally, 'it's not alpha male behaviour.' I told him that I liked that he showed emotions sometimes, and he looked disgusted by the fact that I pointed it out."

– LambLifts

In high school, a classmate who was on the football team said I was a "sissy" for listening to classical music.

The other classmates laughed at me, which was hardly surprising since all of the guys on our unbeatable football team were considered stars on campus.

This kind of mockery was a typical day for me.

I can laugh at their idiotic comments now but back then, I don't know why I ever let them get under my skin.

Man standing behind large flowers
Quinn Buffing on Unsplash

We've all done things, or in some cases, regularly do things that others might consider weird.

Even so, we often feel no shame or embarrassment and embrace how unusual these habits are, and take our friends teasing or laughing at us for doing so in stride.

Sometimes, however, we might not like to advertise some of our unusual habits or actions and make every effort to keep them a well-guarded secret.

As raised eyebrows are much easier to take than blatant judgment from friends and peers.

Redditor Key_Nectarine_1969 was curious to hear all the weird things people have done which they still keep under lock and key, leading them to ask:

"What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done that you could only tell people anonymously?"

The Devil [Dogs] Is In The Detail...

"All throughout middle school, there was someone who tucked unwrapped Hostess Devil Dogs into the toilet paper dispensers in the bathrooms, so that when you pulled some toilet paper out, the devil dog would fall out into your hand."

"We had to have an assembly about it."

"That person... Was me."- bejeweled_sky

Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

"Was drunk at an escape room with coworkers."

"It was an extreme one where you are handcuffed the entire time."

"I decided in my drunken state that it would be bada** to dislocated my thumb and slip off the cuffs like the movies."

"It wasn't."

"We got kicked out, my coworkers were weirded out and I had to go to the hospital."

"I quit a few weeks later."

"White collar wasn't for me."- Grotesque-penguin

The Bread Of Heaven

"Stole over 1,000 wafers from church because I really liked the communion wafers & didn’t know where else to get them."

"I felt really blessed & cursed for a long time."- hALLIEcinate

catholic the exorcist GIFGiphy

Retracing Steps...

"Once I got off the subway in NYC and I was super early for an appointment."

"So I picked a random guy and just followed him on foot for like 30 minutes, pretending I was like a private detective or something."

"Always kept about a half block behind."

"He turned this way and that, and eventually went into a building I had lived in 9 years earlier."

"It was weird, and so was I."- OKsurewhynotyep

Hygeine Be Damned...

"I found a dead rat in a field when i was younger and kissed it bc I wanted to say goodbye."- qeleia

exercise push up GIFGiphy

Bad Decisions Have A Way Of Getting Back To You...

"We got super drunk and ate a ton of spicy food in New Orleans."

"Back at the B&B, the food started to come out the back side."

"I was sitting on the toilet sh*tting bricks of fire."

"At that moment, the booze decided to hang a u-turn."

"The trash can was out of reach and I couldn't risk standing up from the toilet for even 5 seconds."

"The closest receptacle was the bathtub."

"I managed to turn in such a way that I could keep shi*ting in the toilet while projectile vomiting into the tub."

"Both ended up clogged, and there was no plunger."

"I had to call the owner to explain that I had destroyed both their toilet and their tub simultaneously."- HoopOnPoop

Things Best Left To Professionals...

"My partner is weirdly prone to cysts."

"I had to drain a 3 inch cyst on her back (thankfully she had a dr's appt the next week), then multiple other little cysts on her legs and chest."

"I never told her to her face but that first giant cyst literally haunted me, the amount of pus and blood I saw....good heavens."- SleepyBiologist

uruguay spot GIF by sargentoPezGiphy

At Least A Lesson Was Learned...

"When I was walking to school one morning, I saw a kid (7-8 yo?) kicking a dog."

"I ran over & kicked the kid and asked him how it felt."

"He ran off and no one saw."

"Still not sorry."- sneezyailurophile

All Creatures Deserve Love

"I was extremely socially isolated as a child and tried to make friends with the coyotes who lived in the woods by our home."

'I caught one in a snare and fed and kept her."

"I wanted a friend."- letthetreeburn

That's What Friends Are For...

"My wife and her best friend pick me up from a frat party black out drunk."

"Then they helped me take a sh*t on the toilet, wiped my a** and then gave me a shower and put me to bed naked."

"Don’t remember any of it."- nc3100

Party Love GIF by Chris CiminoGiphy

Not The Right Kind Of Manure...

"One time I went outside at like 2AM and put the garden hose nozzle into my butthole and sprayed some water into it, then farted it out onto the lawn."

"Basically gave myself an enema with a garden hose."

"I did this because I was bored."

"My neighbour saw me and told my dad (lived at home at the time)."- WaspsInMyGoatse

A Little Fantasy Now And Then...

"When I was younger I joined an international dating site that I figured was a scam."

"Put a black square as my picture and gave myself a fake name, and then looked through their users."

"And after about 10 minutes I had like a 100 messages."

"Most of them were messages telling me how handsome I was or how these women fell in love with me at first site."

"Now I knew it was a scam but when ever I felt down or got rejected for a while I would pop back on the site and read a few messages."

'Yeah it’s kinda cringy and probably pathetic but it made me feel better."

"I would just turn off that logical part of my brain that knew it was a scam for awhile and just pretend I was this popular and desirable guy."

"And it honestly got me through the day sometimes."- Demonking3343

dating app GIFGiphy

If anyone says they've never done anything they're ashamed, or at the very least less-than-proud of, in all likelihood, they are lying.

Or, more likely, they understandably want to pretend that it never happened.

Which might be a little easier than harboring a secret.

A shocked young man cups his face with his hands

Who doesn't love a first date?

The anticipation. The hopes and dreams. The romance.

Even those first-date butterflies are fun.

You're hoping this could be the one.

Or maybe this will just be a lot of fun.

Then you sit down with one another and they open their mouth and BOOM... dating disaster.

Life is ruined. Or maybe you were saved.

Redditor MiloMilkOnDrugs wanted to hear about the conversations that can ruin a romantic time, so they asked:

"What's the worst thing someone can say on a first date?"

Having worked as a waiter as long as I did, I can't tell the things I've overheard without fainting.

I'll just say... sometimes it's okay to stay single.


Players Association Sport GIF by NBPAGiphy

“'I need you to promise not to tell my wife.'"


Honk Off

"My cousin (F) went on a first date where in the middle of the conversation, her date reached over and squeezed her breast and said 'Honk.'"

"She said 'What on earth do you think you're doing?'"

He said 'I've had quite a lot of success with that move.'"

"There was no second date. My cousin was the girl. I realized from a comment it was ambiguous."


Circa 2005

"My mother was freshly divorced and we signed her up on a dating website (circa 2005) Helped her take pictures etc..."

"She met this guy online real smart, seems to have his sh*t together, independent, etc..."

"They set a date at a local restaurant they park side by side."

"The moment she greets him he says: WOW I love those big boobs I can't wait to taste them!"

"She 180° stepped back in her Mazda 3 and f**ked the right off this parking lot lol."


Safety First

"Does anyone know you're here?"


"It's a safety thing. Sometimes, people let others know where they'll be before meeting a stranger for a date. However for him to ask can be seen as a little creepy like he would be planning to do something to them and would need to know that info so he can figure out how long she'll be gone before the police are called. If that makes sense."



canadian what GIF by CBCGiphy

"I was on a date once, the woman apologized before looking a bit rough because she had just had sex before coming."


What happened to putting your best foot forward?

My goodness, it's not that hard to at least run a brush through your hair.

Mirror Mirror

"'My ex looks way better than you.'"


"What a coincidence. My ex looks way better than you."

"Maybe they can get together and leave us ugly fools to mope about it together."


Oh Baby

"After pulling her chair out for her, you pet her head then rub her belly saying 'I’m gonna put a baby in here.'"


"Ha, can you imagine, being a proper gentleman and then ending with a head pat and belly rub?"


"I once had a guy tell me on the first date he wanted to have at least six children. I heard later from his sister he married a woman who was already pregnant with someone else's kid, and he had her pregnant again within the year."


Family Dynamics

"'You remind me of my mom.' Bonus points if there is this weird attraction component to it."


"My partner went on a date with a young woman shortly before we met, he said she repeatedly compared him to her father ('my dad drinks scotch', 'my dad is also bald,' etc). He said no amount of attraction could save the date after that."


"Oh God, I'm guilty of this one. It wasn't a date. but I told that to a woman I tried bedding later on. Honestly, she didn't look like my mom i was just shooting my shots at trying to keep her around."


Be Serious

Shouting The Goldbergs GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy

"I went to a nice French bistro in the Bay Area, there was a table right behind me and the friend dining. The guy literally said to the girl 'I am the alpha of this relationship.' (in a serious manner). Me and buddy sort of looked at each other while the girl literally burst out laughing, grabbed her bag, and then walked out of the restaurant."


It feels like some men have no one to bounce conversation ideas off of.

Or do they really believe what they say?

person walking while carrying shopping bags
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Happiness is relative.

The idea that money can't buy happiness sounds good, but the reality is money can buy many things that contribute to our overall well-being.

And isn't comfort happiness?

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