Teachers. Often they are stand-ins for parents, and what they have to handle can be overwhelming. Some of these stories are jarring - like first graders knowing what meth smells like, or faking autism for years on end.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
This is messed up.
I teach in an area that has been very, very affected by the opioid epidemic. I taught a student who was well-known to be addicted to heroin. He was also the person who gave his mother her first dose of the drug. His mother died of an overdose. The last time I saw him he had self-tattooed on his arm "I killed my mom" in huge letters.
Not cute, not funny.Giphy
I had a student last week tell me to hold out my hand because he had a surprise for me. I did it out of curiosity and he placed a 9mm round in my hand. This is two months after I had a student tell everyone via SnapChat he was gonna shoot me and another teacher up. I just shook my head and called administration to deal with that BS.
Imagine being so dark and troubled so young.
I had a student earlier this year who came to me because he was "kicked out" of his last school (according to him). He was covered in tattoos as a freshman in high school. On the second day of having him in my class, I looked up from my desk while students were supposed to be taking a test to see him miming cutting off my head with something shiny. When I went back to see what it was and he laughed and hid it, swearing he had nothing. I looked up to see him doing it again. Same thing happened... I let it go.
After he left the room, I found the pen he had been writing with under his desk with two small incisions in the cap. I immediately reported it to admin.
He was moved to another teacher a few days later for an unrelated scheduling issue. He threatened to kill her. He was moved to another teacher because of this. In the third teacher's class, he drew pictures of rifles all over his essays.
So. Many. Red. Flags. He was finally sent to the alternative school a few months back. But he'll likely be back.
EDIT: To clarify, the incisions on the pen indicated that he was using some kind of sharp object (a thumbtack, I suspect) to mime cutting my head off. And yes, I/we have documented and reported these things every step of the way.
This is both impressive and unnerving.
It happened a few years ago, when I was an intern at a big school in my town. My job was simple: follow the teacher wherever she went to and complete 100 hours of unpaid work, that's it. Sh*tty, but I had to do that in order to get my diploma.
So, there was this boy, around 14, who was always alongside his personal therapist. I don't usually ask questions, but since that same teacher was my high school teacher years ago, I felt comfortable in asking her what was wrong with him. She said he had autism, and sometimes he would get aggressive towards his classmates, so his therapist had to be with him at all times while he was at school to help calm him down if something or someone triggers him.
Days later I went to the teacher's room to ask for signatures for my internship documents. Everyone is helpful and starts signing until the coordinator walks in and asks for our attention.
"Guys, I have some news to tell you all about [boy]. You'd better sit down. You too, SpiritSong. You gotta listen to this," she said.
Turns out the kid had been pretending to be autistic for years. He looked up on the internet for the "symptoms" of autism and just started using his acting skills to fool even a psychologist and his whole family. His therapist had empty eyes, his mother looked like her son died in front of her. I don't know the details, but it seems a different psychologist did something to him and caught him off guard, discovering his ruse.
And people have the gall to say that a teacher's life has no thrill. I've been in the teaching career for only about 7 years and I've already had this and some other similar kinds of stuff happening, I can't wait for what the future holds for me!
No warning sign here, nope.
Had them producing a book report with a few sentences and some pictures. Kid had an abridged version of some Penguin classic, and everything was good barring one question:
'What did you enjoy most about this story?'
"He gets mad and kills his family." Followed by a scrawling image of mutilation.
Completely unrelated to the story and just slipped in there with some good work.
And it's said kids can't be sociopaths...Giphy
When I first began teaching, we had a student who seemed to get a lot of satisfaction out of manipulating or hurting others. Her behavior escalated, leading to a brief hospital stint after killing her puppy. When she returned to school, she bragged gleefully about it and shortly thereafter began writing death threats in blood on the walls of bathroom stalls. As much as I hate to say it, she's one I wouldn't be surprised to see in the news in a few years.
*Steps away slowly...*
A (university) freshman tried to add my class late, but all the slots allotted by admin had been filled. He approached me after the first day of class and asked to be added anyway. Very flat affect. No emotion at all.
I told him that I couldn't add him, and he replied, "If you don't add me, I'll follow you everywhere. Even to the bathroom."
I'm not a huge guy, but I easily doubled his body weight. Not the situation to try to make a threat, I'd say.
I was nonplussed for a moment, so I asked him to repeat what he'd just said. And he did. Word for word. He did. I could tell this guy was a nut case, and in hindsight I probably should have reported the incident. Instead, I just kind of laughed it off and walked away.
Never saw him again, to my knowledge. Kinda doubt that he made a smooth transition into adulthood, tho.
Stalls are superior anyway.
I may have set off a red flag for teachers when I was in 3rd grade.
I would always pull my pants all the way down to my ankles when I peed in the urinal, and obviously, would constantly get made fun of for it.
Well, it got very tiring and hurtful so one day when I dropped my drawers to pee, the boy that walked up in the urinal beside me (who pees side by side anyway?) popped his mouth off and I just non-chalantly pivoted and piss all up and down his leg.
The principal called my mom, and I was tactfully talked to at home about how it's good to stand up for yourself but that wasn't an appropriate reaction. Then my dad took over and explained how I really needed to not get basically butt naked to pee standing up at a urinal.
Things six-year-olds shouldn't say.Giphy
A student walked in the classroom and said "it smells like crystal meth in here."
I teach six-year-olds.
Student skipped the week or two that he had pool time at PE. Counseled his parents at conferences he was exhibiting some gang tendencies (oddly so were the parents). Found out later that year he skipped pool PE class because he had his last name tattooed across his back in old English. This was a 14 year old. UpDownABAB
The Deepest Cut.
This year I had a female student (middle school) who had cut her arm so many times you couldn't really see the skin, just a bunch of bloody, scabby cuts. She hid it well at school as it was winter and the students were all wearing sweaters. We only found out because one of her friends started crying and told me I needed to talk to her immediately. ZeeFishy
Sad Family Line.
My friend runs a swim club for kids, she once got a complaint from some mothers that one 8 year old boy was performing fellatio on some 6 year old boys in the changing room. The kid wasn't allowed to come back, and it turns out that his grandfather molested him, that's where he learned the whole thing. Ilbutters
Call the Team.Giphy
There was a kid I knew in second grade he was wild. When we were in the same class together, the teacher would regularly have to call the "assistance team" (a group of teachers that would restrain unruly kids and were trained on how to do so) he would throw desks, chairs, scissors once if remember correctly.
The following year (we weren't in the same classroom but it was a small school so you'd still hear about things) he tripped a very pregnant teacher causing her to go into labor no idea how he didn't get expelled for that but the final straw was when he found a rusty pocket knife on the playground during recess and stabbed the student sitting next to him in the stomach with it for no reason. Still wonder what happened to him. Oh oh and he sucked his thumb regularly. jimshwarts
College professor. Guy just a little bit older than me wrote a paper in which he shared a fantasy about beating the crap out of a younger female therapist for not listening to him about his problems. He was constantly distracting in class, cheated in every way imaginable, and just struck me as off. I repeatedly put in student of concern notices about him, because I really thought something was going to go wrong. Shortly after the class ended he took his newborn kid and ran away to a different state. :/ phoenix-corn
First Grade Crazy.
My cousin (currently in 1st grade) had a girl in his class throw a computer tower in their classroom and slapped and punched the teacher as she tired to gain control.
To my knowledge, nothing ever happen to the girl because the teacher and the girl's mother are good friends. They don't want to ruin her time at school by reporting the incident. smaltowngrl
I See You Kid.
A buddy of mine teaches the special needs class in a high school. For him it was the kid who he'd been told liked to throw things. That wasn't entirely uncommon for his class, but when he noticed the kid was wearing adult diapers, he went straight to the office to review the kid's file. His "red flag" sense was right, the kid liked to throw poop.
My buddy went to OHAS and has managed to keep the kid out of his class. That was last week. This week he's been told that the school is still trying to get the kid put in his class anyway. (they make money for taking these kids). He's fighting it, but lord know which way it will land. Never_Been_Missed
Let's Call Dad.Giphy
I was in charge of an after school program for Jr. High and High school students (13-18 years old). One time I was waiting for a 13 year old girl to get picked up with her friend, and this is the conversation I hear from across the room while they were messing with the whiteboard.
Girl 1: draws swastika
Girl 2: "You can't do that, that's bad."
Girl 1: "Why?"
Girl 2: "I don't know, I just know bad."
Girl 1: " It's OK, my dad has it tattooed on his chest."
Edit 1: I was working in a semi-rural part of the US, and dad was a white guy who lived in a trailer park. I'm not one for stereotypes but I'm pretty sure the guy wasn't Hindu. Or Buddhist. But I appreciate this sub's ability to always look for a silver lining. sweeetkiwi
There's a kid in this preschool class, aged 5, that says the most off the wall stuff.
So far this school year, she has said that her dad is going to come to the school and kill kids and their families, that she has a doll that will come to this other little girl's house and cut her heart out, eat it and cut her legs off, and finally that her dad shoots kittens.
At this point, I'm thinking of calling CPS or at least pushing the issue with the school district because there is no reasonable explanation as to why a 5 year old would be saying these disturbing things. HeyBlenderhead
Remember way back when the internet wasn't a flaming dumpster fire?
Yeah, us either.
The internet has always been a mess, but it's also always been beautiful.
It connects people, ideas, senses or humor, creativity! Yes, we've got our fair share of deviants, murderers, and trashbag people, but we've also got decades of wonder to celebrate.
Newbies like to think using the internet for awesomeness is something they came up with, but the old heads are here to tell you the internet has ALWAYS been a complicated crash course in the coolest stuff ever.
So let's hop in the wayback machine and get our nostalgia on.
Reddit user ransom0374 asked:
"What do you miss from early internet times?"
So let's take that walk down memory lane, or if you're new-ish here on planet Earth, this is going to be a fun little "history" lesson.
If you're uncertain where you fall, here's a test:
"Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger..."
If you finished the song, you're probably going to remember quite a few of these...
"AIM away messages saying stupid stuff like 'BRB going to get some bagel bites.' "
"Don't forget to update your personal profile with Blink 182 lyrics and the initials of your school sweetheart and some ASCII. Browse for a new inappropriate buddy icon and strike up a convo with SmarterChild"Giphy
"I miss the wild unknown frontier that the internet was."
"It seemed there was so much discovery to be had on the internet, and if you were good at the internet everyone thought of you as 'Hackerman' and you were like a God amongst your peers."
"It seems like there isn't anything 'new' on the internet anymore. No discoveries to be made."Giphy
The Irony Is Not Lost On Us
"Variety. There's a popular tweet that says something like 'the internet has turned into four websites where on each one people share screenshots of the other three.' "
"I miss when you could search a term and there would be dozens of sites dedicated to it or forums especially for it. Now it's just ads, Wikipedia, and Reddit."
"Oh, and not having ads shoved down your throat every time you search a term or navigate to a page!"
"I know there were pop ups and banners, which weren't any better. But there was a sweet spot."
"There was a few years there where you could Google something and half the first page WASN'T sponsored ads that had nothing to do with what you looked up. And you could go to a website and it DIDN'T block the page with a full screen ad asking for your email to join their mailing list or save 10% on their merchandise."Giphy
Figuring It Out
"That all the webpages were just random people trying to figure out HTML."
"There really wasn't a corporate presence at all. It was just a place for people to experiment."
"You could click on a button and make a cardboard hand wave at someone's cats. You could dispense a coke from a machine in some dorm. It was dumb and fun."Giphy
"The learning was endless."
"There were almost an infinite source of information from all over the world. If you wanted to find something all you had to do was search for it in Ask Jeeves or whatever and you'd find any website that had ever mentioned that thing."
"There were more than 10 different websites. And at least it didn't feel like I was being forced to sign up for a subscription after every click."
"There were so many fun, cute stores to shop. Now it feels like everyone dresses and decorates the same."
"I miss a lot of things about the early internet. I'm probably wrong, but it just felt safer than it does now?"Giphy
"I was in my late teens when the internet was becoming accessible to everyone. Our one household computer was in the kitchen & facing in a way so anyone coming in could see your screen."
"I remember looking at someone's website and my Dad passing by to get something to eat, asking me if the person on the website was my friend."
"I miss those old days! The internet seemed endless & friendly."Giphy
A Base Level For Participation
"Most people were smart."
"In the early days (by far) most people on the internet were in college, either as a teacher or student. Beyond that, people had to to be in a lab or make their computer talk to a connected computer which was not so easy in the old days."
"It acted as a sort of intelligence barrier one needed clear to participate in internet things."
"Higher barrier to entry."
"I remember the fond days of SLIP and Trumpet Winsock when you had to know at least a little about tech to get on and participate."
"There was still stupidity, but it just wasn't as loud as it is now."
"In the very very early days, pre-AOL, you needed skill and knowledge to get online."
"Then AOL came onto the scene an d anyone could get online at the push of a button."Giphy
Go Away Now
"I miss when what happened on the internet, stayed on the internet."
"You could turn off the beige box and go about the rest of your day without it affecting you."
"The fact that is only existed on a big computer in the house, as long as no-one was on the phone. It wasn't some all-encompassing thing."
"The internet not following me around. When you logged off, you effectively put the internet away."Giphy
It Used To Be...
"How people used to treat it."
"The internet was not just a novelty, but an amazing piece of technology that let anyone share anything. It was so wholesome and loving, with everyone still being amazed at what we could do now."
"Now? There's so many websites that are designed to make you angry and radicalize your beliefs. It's quantity over quality."
"There was a time when nobody on Reddit shared politics, when Facebook was for socializing, when YouTube was where people uploaded stuff they were passionate about."Giphy
We Used To Love Yahoo
"I can't remember what it was called, but Yahoo had this great music video program where it showed popular artists, and some very unknown folks."
"I discovered some of my favorite artists having it play in the background all the time."
"Launchcast/Yahoo Radio. It was revolutionary for music streaming and the 1-5 star system worked really well. I preferred it over Pandora's up/down system."Giphy
On a personal level, I want to go on record and say MusicMatch was the greatest music program in the history of life.
It just was.
I will die on this hill.
It was dopeness in all forms. MusicMatch Jukebox? Dope. Yahoo MusicMatch? Dope.
So what relics from Ye Olde Internet are you passionate about? Sound off in the comments!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
No one wants war.
Who is going to light the powder keg and set it all off?
Which country will start WW3? Why?
Does anyone really want to start another world war?
They may not have a choice in the matter.
Getting It Out Of The Way Early
"Austrian here, we will do it again probably, I would like to say sorry in advance! Most plausible reason at the moment is because Germans eat schnitzel with sauce on top, then this conflict will spiral out again into WW3."
"Third time's the charm!"
-Some Austrian, probably
Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo
"It'll be a civil war that devolves into a world war, with no one country clearly responsible for this change."
"But we'll blame it all on germany again, right"
Why I Oughtta...
"At this point, there are enough nukes in the world to ensure that a World War would simply result in nuclear annihilation on all sides. Say what you want about authoritarians like Xi Jinping, Kim Jung Un, and Ali Khameni, they are many things; but they're not suicidal. They know that an all out war would just end everyone, including them, so they're not going to. This is why the US and the USSR never went to all out war, despite coming close a few times; the risks were just too great for both sides."
"What could easily happen, however, is another cold war, this time between the US and China. And like in the Cold War, there could be proxy wars fought as a result of it, but it's unlikely that any country will take the insane risks of starting World War 3."
A full-blown world war is a tricky thing to get off the ground, that is if anyone wants it. The leading cause to impending war could come out of nowhere, or somewhere completely unexpected, or perhaps it will never come.
2-Day War Delivery
"Bruh its gunna be Amazon, not a country"
"Jeff Bezos finna be dropping Amazon basics nukes on us"
Can It Even Happen?
"I don't think the world can handle another world war. simply for the sake that we're all so interconnected. every major nation trades with each other and are in bed with each other. I would be a detriment to whatever country starts a war."
"Think about how the global supply chain has been impacted by the pandemic, the world would probably cease to function all together in a major conflict."
"There was a quote I liked, I think it was from Dan Carlin. He said that leading up to WWI Europe had become too economically entwined to go to war with itself, but none of the economists were invited to the war councils. The generals making the decisions didn't understand the situation so they made dumb decisions. The situation is undoubtably more-so interconnected today, the question is, do we have economists making the call on starting wars?"
A Little Humor Before We Get To The Serious Stuff...
"Probably America, I mean they made Wonder Woman 1 & 2, so highly likely they'd make WW3. At least start it. Not sure why someone else would finish it."
"No, they don't know how to count.. They jumped from WW1 to WW84."
Is it in the realm of possibility? Possibly.
After all, people will be people.
Anyone Else Surprised? No?
"America have a surplus of military might, a recent history of starting wars for profit, EVERYTHING is politicised and extreme nationalism and xenophobia are normalised within the populace. I'm going with them."
These All Feel Tangible
"My guesses would be 1) USA vs China over Taiwan or 2) China vs India (a lot on tension there that doesn't get a lot of news attention)"
"India-Pakistan and China-India are hot beds."
"India and Pakistan have been at war numerous times since their inception. 5 'official' wars and 9 minor skirmishes, to be exact. The last conflict ended with a ceasefire in 2003, but the last incident was a series of skirmishes along the Line of Control in Kashmir, from November 2020 to February 2021."
"Neither is capable of a full-fledged invasion of the other, so it's limited to border disputes. And while Pakistan does have nukes, it would be suicide to use them. There's no incentive for any other countries to get involved."
Going For It
"China making a move on Taiwan or some other land grab in India or other bordering countries."
An Infectious Idea
"India and Pakistan. It will spread to China, then North Korea (or North Korea first) and pull in many others in Asia. This will pull in NATO, either directly or via global partners (Australia)."
This One Makes WAY Too Much Sense
"Twitter. Someone will probably make a typo that everyone takes the wrong way..."
Well, what do you think could happen? Let us know in the comments.
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So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.
Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.
Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.
I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.
The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
The video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" ExerciseGiphy
"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic PrincessGiphy
"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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Have you ever fantasized about what it would be like to win the lottery? Having money for the rest of your life, as far as the eye can see, to cover your expenses.
And have you thought about all the things you would buy if you could really afford them? Are they ALL practical things, or are some of them silly?
We always love to fantasize about what life would be like if money were no object. And you are not alone!
Redditor OnlyVillager asked:
"If you won the lottery, what's something 'useless' that you would buy?"
Here were some of those answers.
I Be The Witch Of The Wood
"My teenage daughter disclosed to me the other day that her biggest life goal is to buy a house on an acreage that has a large wooded area."
"She plans to build me a house in the woods, fund whatever ridiculous bullsh*t art installations I want to erect in the woods, then spread rumors in neighboring towns that a witch lives back there."
"She's the best."-OpossumJesusHasRisen
My Kingdom For A Castle
"I'm blowing it all on a castle. No, not one of those fairy tale mansions from the 19th century robber barons called 'castles'.
"A fully loaded, honest-to-god, obsolete, medieval fortress. Two curtain walls, a keep, towers, barbican, portcullis, murderholes, loopholes, machicolations, the works. It'll be a well warmed summer retreat/place to hide out if another plague hits the world."
"I'm buying Au Train island in the Upper Peninsula to be specific. When the feds finally come after billionaires to pay their fair share, I'm running to my island and sealing the gates behind me."
"So I can get my affairs in order and pay my taxes. What were you thinking I was gonna do? Hide from the IRS? They can breach any castle lmao."-DaemonTheRoguePrince
I Wanna Be A Billionaire
- "I want a cold water dispenser on my desk. It has to be connected to the water line, filtered and cooled. Ideally it also has that thing that automatically knows when the container is almost full."
- "My new lifestyle would be to live 4 weeks in a different city, then 1 week at home. In each city, I would stay in a Luxury Airbnb or a five star hotel."
- "I would hire a professional soccer coach. I'm talking someone that trains pro players. I'm Arab and I'm tired of not being good at soccer, just a few months of lessons and I'll be able to participate in pick up games and have fun."
- "I would also hire singing, guitar and piano instructors. Singing would be the toughest because my voice sucks, but I figure with time I can be good enough to sing a song if I want to reference it. That's how bad I am today."-Reformedjerk
Imagine just not having to think when you click the "purchase" button.
A Nice Siesta
"Maybe not exactly "useless" in the way people are thinking (the way the question is asked makes me think by "useless" they mean "stupid/wasteful" but I'm thinking in terms of things that are fun and only for the purpose of having fun), but do vacations count?"
"If I had that much money all to myself, I would 100% rather have a regular sized house/car and spend the money on experiences instead."
"The idea of having a normal life but knowing that I can just decide to take the day off and go to DisneyLand or treat myself to a fancy dinner whenever the hell I want to is a fantasy I've had since I was literally a little kid."
"I get that those aren't useful things because they're not things I could USE like a car/house/purse/etc, but I'd definitely be happy:)"-StreetIndependence62
"Well this stuff is only useless if there isn't some sort of apocalyptic event that happens in my lifetime."
"That said, I'd go full prepper and bury myself a bunker in the desert with tons of food and water stored away and decked out with solar panels, a garage full of electric cars, and a stash of every sort of modern electronic equipment available in vast quantities."
"So this would be a huge waste of money if there's never an apocalypse. But it would be very valuable to me if there happens to be one."-TimHawks1983
"I have always wanted a talking toilet. I don't even know why at this point. I just saw it on a tv show, don't even remember what, and since that day I have thought 'yes, I want this.'"
"But right now, with my paupers wage, I cannot afford such a thing. I have a lot of serious plans for lottery level money. I would open a shelter for homeless people and start my own dog shelter. As well as my own theme park."
"But I would still get a talking toilet."-MagnificentColossus
Put Your Bird On My Shoulder
"I would get into falconry, vintage guitars from the 50s and 60s, a live in Cook, most of the surfaces that I touch would be marble, and I would save a significant portion of my money to split between investments and gambling on riskier stocks."
"Depending on how much money a private jet would be in the cards as well as a flight license. This is one of my favorite things to daydream about"-freemason777
The best part of all of this is, it doesn't matter that these things are useless.
They bring us joy, and that is what matters.
"Boring" "Flame Thrower"???
"Definitely a boring company flame thrower. And a Barrett M82."
"Probably a supercar too, but not to drive it. I want to light it on fire in a public space as an appeal to consumerism right before I go take a private jet to Nappa Valley to eat at the French Laundry and get hammered on the most expensive bottles of wine I can find."-xdylanxfrommyspace
"There are many things I bought that I regretted it immediately. I love to try new stuff. Especially no-brand or brand that is not famous. My curiosity is very high, that is the problem."
"I wanted to know whether those products are okay for human being. For example, I bought BioAqua face products. The most product I regret is BioAqua aloe vera. After my third use of the product, I actually experience worst allergic in the world."
"My skin had a lot of red patches appeared in just few hours. It was itchy but not painful. Just I keep scratching my skin but I tried my best to control it."
"It took about three - five days to keep it clear with medication and creams. Then after a couple of weeks, I decided to use it again. I got the reaction."
"Thankfully, I still have the medication and the cream. So, I took it immediately. I also did not apply the cream that much compared to previous time."
"I still have the aloe vera bottle in my room. I wanted to throw it but I could not throw it. Yet, I cannot use it and yes, I feel sad when I saw it. So, you can understand how I feel."-nimbledealing53
Hobby Hobby Hobby!
"If I won the lottery - I would open a shop for my favorite hobby. I would manage it like a business, giving a decent wage to several workers allowing them to pursue a degree or whatever and have a job that doesn't suck."
"I'd lose money on running a store. But I'd enjoy it. I'd enjoy sharing my hobby, selling the stuff I love at reasonable prices and giving a few young people a good job in a stress free environment."
"Useless store, great life experience for the people I'd employ."-Dealthagar
Money doesn't solve all of the world's problems or all of a person's problems, even—but it certainly does make life a little easier here and there for those who need it.
Hopefully the 21st century sees all of us buying things with our millions of dollars.
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