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Teachers Break Down The Craziest Things A Substitute Teacher Did While They Were Out

Handing your class over to a substitute is one of those things teachers seem to universally feel some anxiety about.

You're not only handing over your space, but you're also handing over your kids, your plans, etc. Still, there are times that it's necessary and it's not like a substitute can mess things up too badly, right?

One Reddit user asked:

Teachers, What was the worst thing a substitute teacher did while you were gone?

So listen, there are countless wonderful and amazing substitute teachers around the world who education systems would totally fail without.

This article is not about them.

This article is about the folks who need to be led away in handcuffs.

This article is about folks who wake up on the HGTV side of the bed and decide to give the teacher's classroom a total makeover.

This article is about ... well ... these people.

Adam's "Phone"

i feel sick butters GIF by South Park Giphy

I had a Grade 1 and 2 class last year and one student had diabetes. Let's call him Adam.

So Adam had a cell phone that beeps when his blood sugar is too low/high. It's connected to the monitor in his arm/hip. The cell phone has no other uses, no apps, no data, not connected to the school wifi.

The substitute saw his phone on his desk and promptly took it away as per the "no devices" rule.

During gym class an EA comes in to make sure everything is ok. Adam is visibly ill. He is pale, sweating; the whole works. Luckily this EA knows Adams medical plan, instantly asks the Adam for the phone and he explains that the substitute took it away in the morning.

The EA then LOSES IT on the substitute demanding the phone. The substitute calls in the principal - to demand that they reprimand the EA.

Instead, she got reprimanded herself as obviously she did not read the students safety plans.

She was asked to leave and the principal taught the class the rest of the day. Adam was fine, drank a couple juice boxes and had a granola bar. Mom picked him up shortly after.

- bookwithnowords

The Miracle Of Birth

Back when I was a teacher, I had a sub decide my plans weren't good enough for her and went rogue. She decided to show my students videos of animals giving birth on YouTube.

I taught sixth-grade English...

- DrivingSharkBait

Making The Space Your Own

Re-arranged my room.

Not in a "Moved Student A away from Student B and put her by Student C" way.

In a "Move the giant rug over to the opposite corner of the room, and completely change the layout of student desks, and rearrange a bookshelf" way.

- d239

I had the same thing happen!

Except she took my three big bookshelves apart and threw them in the dumpster. She said that she didn't like them and they didn't look like they belong in the room anyway.

I came back to the books just in a big pile in the middle of the room. Definitely the weirdest experience as a teacher.

- ilawsabs

Nap Time

Went to sleep for 1.5 hours. My class was freaking amazing—the sweetest, most thoughtful group I've ever had. When I got back the next day, I asked how the sub was.

Me: How was the sub?

Them: uhhh... he was fine. He kinda took a nap for a while.

Me: WHAT?! What did you guys do?

Them: Worked quietly so that we wouldn't wake him up. Eventually we ran out of work, so we just had silent reading.

Me: For how long?

Them: From when we started working until it was time to go outside.

Me: That's a really long time! Look, I am glad that you guys were so thoughtful, but if something like that ever happens again, please wake the sub up. It's not safe for the sub to sleep. He needed to be awake in case something happened.

Them: We would have woken him up if we really needed to. But we also figured he probably really needed the sleep.

Seriously. The SWEETEST class ever!

- sparklysneakers

Such An Intriguing Cat

I had a cool Chinese Lucky Cat that went missing after I had a sub.

My students said the sub seemed really intrigued by it, talked about it several times, and even moved it from the shelf where it sat and brought it over to my desk.

It was gone when I returned the next day. 😒

- PacificKarma

How The Grinch Ruined Christmas

grinning the grinch GIFGiphy

The first year I taught 5th grade, I really wanted to do something special for my students before Christmas vacation.

I spoke with my team and we came up with the idea to make every single student a personalized Christmas ornament. We were going to surprise them by displaying the ornaments on a Christmas tree the day before vacation and they would be able to take them home.

I was gone for a department thing the day before we were going to set up the tree, and one of the least liked subs was scheduled for my class. Since I had stored all the ornaments in my closet, I simply asked if the students needed any supplies, make sure to get them yourself and not let them see the surprise.

The thing about this sub, and the reason she wasn't liked, was that her first line of defense was always to threaten to take away something from for misbehaving: recess, free time, lunch, etc.

I think you know where I'm going with this...

Fast forward to the end of the day, I get back to my classroom in the last 30 min of class so I could dismiss them.

All of a sudden, I'm met with 25 kids asking about their ornaments. I tried to play dumb and asked them what they were talking about.

Of course the sub said something.

She told the students about the ornaments and said if they misbehaved, she would tell me and I would take away their ornaments.

Instantly, I was filled with horror that the surprise was ruined for all 5th grade. They're kids, they told the whole grade during recess.

Also anger because that damn sub ruined the surprise and disappointment because I really wanted to see their faces when they walked through the door the next day and saw a special Christmas tree with their personalized ornaments.

It's not the biggest deal or anything, but I was really upset that weekend. To this day, when I talk to my old partners, I still refer to her as the Grinch!

- Staticlobo

They Left A Note

There was a harpsichord in the front of the classroom used both for demonstration and performance.

Not knowing what he was doing, the sub tried to tune 3 notes that had gone mildly out of tune while I was away. He managed to break the strings on all 3 notes and left a message inside reading: "Sorry about that . . ."

- Back2Bach

In 45 Minutes

A few of the periods I taught were co-teach classes where a percentage of the students in the class have special needs but can work well enough in a general population classroom with assistance from a special education co-instructor.

These classes were often very rewarding to teach, but one downside of teaching that population from a logistical standpoint is that I was often required to attend 'ARD' meetings. Basically every special education student has a meeting about twice a year, sometimes more frequently depending on need, where administrators, teachers, counselors, parents/guardians, and the student themself all get together to go over their status and review the various educational accommodations the student is receiving to determine what may or may not need to change to best suit their needs.

I didn't have a problem with attending these meetings per se, but because they only take ~1 period, and several teachers are rotating through various meetings over the course of a day, the school had devoted 'ARD subs' who were more akin to babysitters (at best) than substitute educators. That means that during that one period, hell can randomly break loose.

One year I had a 'tough' student who had some serious attitude problems, but was a good person underneath it all and with whom I'd done a lot of work with to improve her engagement and interest in my class.

About half way through the year, I got called for an ARD meeting during the period I had said student. In my absence of ~45 minutes the sub decided to pick a petty argument with my kid, who was rightfully offended but unwisely overreacted.

Things escalated to making threats and nearly coming to blows with the sub. My student ended up with in-school suspension for a while.

Getting the story from all parties and witnesses involved later, it was pretty clear the sub was to blame, and the kid who I'd worked so hard with was back at square one. I eventually got her back on track, end she ended up with one of the highest grades in my class at the end of the year.

I could only imagine how much better she could've been without that setback and the amount of trust in adults she'd lost after being punished for something the substitute teacher was at fault for.

- EndoShota

What Actually Happened

I came back after being gone ONE DAY and my students told me the substitute teacher flipped over tables in a rage and was escorted from the building by a cop.

That's not what actually happened, but it's not far off.

Apparently the sub left the room to take a 20 min phone call and the kids thought it would be funny to flip the tables over.

The substitute then had to flip the tables right side up while yelling at the kids.

That's what they called "flipping tables in a rage."

So now let's talk about what actually actually happened after the table thing.

During lunch, my Special Ed. Co-teacher came into my room to set up and caught the sub MAKING OUT WITH A STUDENT.

She was 18 to his 25. That 20 min phone call he took earlier was to set up the lunch meeting.

The principal then had him removed from the building by the resource officer; so yeah he was escorted from the building by a cop.

This is why I say having a sub is more work than just coming into school my damn self.

- mewolkins

Hell And The Holocaust

I'm the student in this case, but I'll still share the story because to this day I'm still fuming about it.

When I was in year nine history we were learning about the Holocaust. My teacher was out that day, and we had a sub who no one had ever met.

We all went into the classroom, sat down, and waited for him to say something. His first words to us, and I quote, were "The only thing humans have done that is worse than the Holocaust is the crucifixion of Christ."

Literally. No hello, no introduction, just that.

Now, in the class there were a lot of kids who were atheists, and a few from other religions. There were also three Jewish siblings whose great grandparents were murdered in a concentration camp.

People went absolutely wild, yelling at the sub of how insensitive that was when we had Jewish students whose own family were victims of the Holocaust.

The sub went bright red and started screaming that we were all going to hell and that we had sinned so terribly he couldn't bear to look at us. He left the room and that was the last we ever saw of him.

- Fandomgirl19


Guy left his lunch plate in my room.

There was half a chicken thigh and rice on my desk when I showed up. That's bad enough, but it's not the worst part. The worst part was that it was a Friday sub.

I showed up on Monday. It smelled so bad.

- Agassiz65


hangin tough new kids on the block GIFGiphy

I'm definitely late to the party that was last week, but I think this was a good one. I am a teacher, but was reminded of what I horrified by as a student.

This happened in the 4th grade. It was 1989 and The New Kids on the Block were performing for the school that sent in the most index cards with their school's name on it.

The Student Council was pushing for this every say for what seemed like a full year. It had gotten annoying. But those 8th graders gave their final plea over the PA system.

It was a Friday and out sub looked like she was having "a day."

Throughout the announcement, my Catholic grade school friends snickered, giggled and poked fun. Our substitute was visibly upset, "shush"ing kids, while talking to herself under her breath.

At the end of the announcement, we all erupted in a low "BOOO!" to which the substitute screamed at us: "EXCUSE ME! That is enough!"

She began to sob and cry, "How dare you do that to those people..."

Huh? We were more than a little confused.

"Put yourself in their shoes. What if you were a new person in a new city or town. Wouldn't you want people to be welcoming and loving when you arrived? How dare you laugh and make fun? and 'Boo' of all things! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

Wiping her tears with crusty tissues from her pocket, she pointed to one of my classmates who raised her hand. "What, Meaghan?!"

The New Kids are a singing group.


- SwanResponsible5593

Fuming Over Fumes

Oh my gosh. I totally forgot my best sub story until I read some of the others lol.

One day I was absent for district training. Most of my team was out, too. So there were several subs around. During first period, several of my students started complaining that a strong gasoline type smell was giving them a headache. It was really bad, and the substitute kept telling them she didn't smell anything. Same thing happened again the next period, but one of my students happened to be a principal's daughter. She texted her mom, who came to investigate. The smell was strong they smelled it in the hallway. They had to evacuate the entire 3600 student school while the fire department came to check it out. By the time they came, the smell in my room was gone.

However, several people still smelled the gasoline outside. The other substitutes were crowded together, and realized the smell was coming from MY SUBSTITUTE.

It was such a strange smell to be on a person that no one realized it was her. One of the principals asked her to go home and come back after lunch, after she had gotten rid of the smell (they didn't have any spare substitutes to cover my afternoon classes).

She came back...but this time she smelled like gasoline mixed with a bucket of perfume. She hadn't even changed clothes! It was so wild to hear that evening haha.

- ThrewTheLookingGlass

Mr. Retired Art Teacher

We have a retired art teacher who subs in our district, that pretty much ignores lesson plans and just does art all day. Long story short: I was recruited in November to take a class of 4th graders after their teacher just walked out of the classroom and quit.

I've got 13 days before parent/teacher conferences and I want my new classroom to look nice and welcoming for the kids and parents, so I spend the entire weekend decorating the classroom.

The following week I have to go to the district office for some training, paperwork etc. so I schedule a sub. Guess who I get?

Yep, Mr. Retired Art teacher - nobody had warned me about him at that point!

Not only does he ignore my lesson plan and do art all day, he takes down ALL of my decorations, kids work, required postings etc. and fills the walls with his "art." He took down everything I had just worked so hard doing.

Plus he throws my stuff in the garbage! That old man does not know how close he was to death when I saw what he did!!!

- furlie

The Weirdest Animal Facts People Know

Reddit user FunChemical3182 asked: 'What is the weirdest animal fact you know?'

Michael Jerrard on Unsplash

People accumulate facts throughout life on a wide variety of subjects.

Some are mundane while others are weird, wild or wonderful.

One subject a lot of people focus on is animals. Most people have a favorite animal that fascinates them that they want to know all about.

Keep reading...Show less

Content Warning: Mental Health, Suicide, Domestic Violence

We all know that we technically can't make anyone else do anything, and we certainly can't "fix" other people. Other people will only change or do something if they choose to; the only person we can really control is ourselves.

But some people really love to try, often to hilarious and terrible results.

Already cringing, Redditor Dapper_Algae6280 asked:

"People who entered a relationship thinking 'I can fix them,' how did that go?"

Time for an Upgrade

"There is a weird thing that happens when you 'fix' someone. They tend to think if you liked them broken, then they deserve better than you now that they are better than they were."

- TheRealLifePotato

"As horrible as it sounds, to have a happy, emotionally healthy relationship you need two happy, emotionally healthy people. If you want to be in that sort of relationship, you need to fix yourself first."

- inactiveuser247

"This right here. After three sh*tty relationships in a row, I realized this is a me problem. I took a few years off from dating to reflect and really learn to see red flags and understand myself so I wouldn't make that mistake again."

- MikoSkyns

No More Spark

"My now ex had PTSD, depression, and a variety of other issues she claimed. After two and a half years of dating (being my first and only relationship), she became more social, less suicidal, and overall happier as a person."

"She decided to cheat on me with someone else due to 'lack of communication' and us 'no longer having a spark". The irony."

"For context, we were 17 at the time, in high school, and I worked full-time hours with initiatives to hang out, which were refused. Red flags everywhere."

- elteragxo

"Your situation is eerily similar to mine, what the f**k?"

"I met a girl with mental and emotional issues and decided to fix them through a healthy relationship. She recovered and found someone else because 'the spark was gone.'"

- Aimlessdrifter8778

Misery Loves Company

"Now we are both broken."

- Brave-Butterscotch76

"The same thing happened to my sister-in-law. She married a very negative and miserable guy while saying 'he will get better' or 'we’re working on it,' and now she’s a very negative and miserable person."

- Moreofyoulessofme

Getting to Watch a Partner Grow

"At first we were only f**king. I don't know if I ever thought I could fix her, but I did fall in love with this beautiful lady with severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues after being in a domestically violent relationship."

"We were f**k buddies for about six months and I got a glimpse of her issues but I still went ahead and asked her to be my girlfriend The heart wants what it wants."

"We dated for a year and a half (two years since meeting), and I actually got to see her at her worst a few times, but I was finally able to get her therapy with a great psychiatrist and treatment, this is when I asked her to move in with me. We've been living together for six years."

"Four years ago, she had the worst breakdown I've seen. She went full-on paranoid, wall-scratching nervous, she was even doubting me and my motives to be there. It was a very difficult week, and she left the house and went to her mom's house in the middle of the night."

"Eventually, her therapist was able to get a hold of her and get her back to her senses. Her doctor then suggested that I also should go to a counselor or at the very least we should do couples therapy so we had strong bases for our relationship and we did."

"I now look back and won't change her for anything in the world, she has grown so much, and she glows right now. I now see her smile and it's glorious. She's achieved a great position too and it's amazing just to see how much happier she looks."

- Spiritual-Narwhal666

Not a Match

"I fixed what I wanted to fix, but that still didn't make us right for each other. In the end, I think she's in a much happier place than she could have been, so I think it was worth the time invested."

"We were wrong for each other, but at least we both came out better positioned to receive the happiness that would come to us later."

- MrWeb20

In Their Nature

"A couple of months into the relationship, I fixed him."

"After some irritation, he stopped peeing on the carpet. Now, my cat still brings mice, but I guess, that's just his nature."

- mobileJay77

The Importance of Boundaries

"I don't know if I would say that I 'fixed' her (and I wasn’t trying to), but I definitely taught my last ex the importance of being able to set boundaries and to stop going out of her way to please people who consistently hurt her."

"Eventually this would lead to us breaking up, but I have no regrets. I have issues of my own that were wearing her down and she did what she had to. Same rules apply. We’re both better off because of it."

- TylerTexas10

Happily Ever After

"She fixed herself and I fixed myself with each other's support, and we are living happily ever after, it seems, with ongoing work on ourselves and our relationship."

- DonPronote

An Uncommon Ending

"I didn’t fix them. But I tried my hardest to be patient and supportive while they fixed themself. Sometimes I was better at support than other times. Sometimes they were better at fixing than other times."

"It ended up being worth the patience. Things have been great with us for years now. I know this isn’t the normal outcome though, and I feel incredibly lucky."

- I_Invented_Frysauce

A Little Help from Our Friends

"Usually I'm the one people try to fix.. I think the repeated attempts definitely helped me. Now my current partner gets to enjoy the previous hard work."

"...I think I just got tired of hurting the people who love me and fixed myself, though."

- addrien

All Their Idea

"You can't fix anyone. You can only fix yourself, but if you really want to try and fix someone, you have to make it seem like it's their idea."

- BuhrZap

A Helping Hand

"I don't think you can fix anyone. You can only help them fix themselves, which is very different."

"If someone is actively trying to fix themselves, and you can actually be the person to support them through it, then it can work, but it could also not work."

"I do think there should be a distinction between the two. I mean, trying to fix someone is a bad idea, but if you like someone and are willing to support them in their journey to fix themselves, it's probably not the worst idea in the world."

- brooksie1131

Lesson Learned

"It went so well that they managed to cure me of the desire to 'fix' anybody."

"I’ll toss you a life preserver if you’re trying to save yourself. But I’m not jumping in the water with anyone so they can drown me on their way out."

"People who need to hit rock bottom in order to better themselves will use you to soften their landing if you let them."

- GlobalPermit5428

Best Friends Forever

"It went well but it didn’t work out."

"So we kind of fixed each other we were both at very weird points in our lives and we only dated for about one and a half years. We didn’t need a romantic partner but we did need a friend in each other."

"We’re both in better places now and the best of friends. We both want each other to be part of our lives just not as lovers."

"All and all, I say we got the best outcomes in our lives."


So Worth the Investment

"He was an Uber driver with only a high school diploma."

"I married him anyways and bankrolled his education because he was fun as f**k to be around, was the smartest person I’ve ever met, and loves me like I’m the only woman on Earth."

"Now, he’s a computer engineer and we are landlords together and have bought investment properties. We are very happy together."

"Partners work together to create success. I think selfish people ask, 'what’s in it for me?' Marriage is about selflessness."

"I’m glad I sacrificed for his education. His mind would be wasted otherwise and he’s a genius."

- BabyElephantWalks

In most of these cases, the situation went poorly after a Redditor tried to change someone, and for good reason. If that person isn't ready or doesn't want to be fixed, it's only going to damage the relationship.

There's also something to be said about unconditional love. If you don't want to date the person exactly as who they are right now, why are you even trying to date them?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at

Guy at the gym
Anastase Maragos/Unsplash

Tough guys put on a facade that indicates to others that they always know what's going on.

But their confidence doesn't always match their intellect, which is probably why they cover their insecurities by walking around and trying to show everyone who's really the boss.

If that's the case, they should keep their mouths shut because not everything that comes out of their mouth needs to be heard.

Yet, it can be amusing to everyone else.

Curious to hear examples of these, Redditor PrototypeShadowBlitz asked:

"Reddit, what is the stupidest thing you've heard from the 'alpha male' community?"

You might find these guys at a bar.

The Dude Must Be Hungry

"Had a run in once with a group of young lads about something in a bar and one of them said we are top of the food chain bro and you will be the prey."

– insertitherenow

"'Whatever, mall ninja" -proper response."

– TheEighthLord

If The Shoe Fits

"That they were an alpha male."

– I_Have_A_Name37654

"The use of 'Alpha Male,' unironically is every indication that you're dealing with a child's understanding of manhood."

– 88Dubs

Brat Pack

"Me and my bros are all alpha males."

– SonOfDadOfSam

"I was skiing one time and rode the lift with a guy that said, 'I don't feel no pain. I live with 5 roommates and none of us feel any pain.' Okay, bud. That's a really interesting coincidence."

– NicPizzaLatte

They sure thrive on making sexist comments.

Contagious Femininity

"A coworker said, 'I don't spend too much time with my girlfriend because I'll become too feminine.'"

– Lazy_Natural6154


– aliebabadegrote

Sexist Categorization

"I have been called a beta for saying that my wife makes more money than I do. She works in a more lucrative field and is more educated than I am, so it makes perfect sense that she makes more than I do."

"So I came back, and this post has really blown up. There's just a few things I want to clarify."

"1- I have only ever been called a beta online."

"2- I work full-time in project management. I have a master's degree. I have a 6 figure salary."

"3- My wife has a PhD and works in finance. She also has a 6 figure salary, it's just a higher salary than my own."

"4- I'm sorry to anyone who might feel as though my original post misled them."

– ExaminationDouble240

It's Teamwork

"A real man would be proud of his wife for achieving success, and not fall for that sort of insecure bullsh*t."

"It's not a contest, that's the real joke here. Good on you for seeing the big picture."

– Mrbeardoesthethings

Do these roles about parenting sound familiar?

Childish Things Are Too Girly

"Real men don't take their kids trick or treating is one that I heard recently."

– constructionguy89

"Related. Guys who brag about not changing diapers, not playing 'girly' games, etc. Essentially guys who brag that their only contribution to fatherhood is money and masculine things like fishing or football. Even then some of them brag about not paying a lot of child support to prove they didn't let the system take advantage of them."

"I can't imagine a life so empty my only accomplishment worth bragging about was being a terrible parent."

– Green7000

This Woman's Work

"I was told that taking care of my kids is woman's work. Apparently it's concerning that I try to spend so much of my free time with them. Oddly enough the meatheads at my grappling club think it's sweet I occasionally have my daughters' hair clips on and nails painted."

– MrFunktasticc

People discussed rules in the bedroom.

Never Submissive

"That a man is turned off when their wife/girlfriend seduces them, because if she wants sex and shows it she is a sl*t, also making the man the submissive one…"

– kamalaophelia

Stifling Emotions

"Not the whole community, but was cuddling with a guy once and could tell he was trying not to get emotional over something that was bothering him. He said, quite literally, 'it's not alpha male behaviour.' I told him that I liked that he showed emotions sometimes, and he looked disgusted by the fact that I pointed it out."

– LambLifts

In high school, a classmate who was on the football team said I was a "sissy" for listening to classical music.

The other classmates laughed at me, which was hardly surprising since all of the guys on our unbeatable football team were considered stars on campus.

This kind of mockery was a typical day for me.

I can laugh at their idiotic comments now but back then, I don't know why I ever let them get under my skin.

Man standing behind large flowers
Quinn Buffing on Unsplash

We've all done things, or in some cases, regularly do things that others might consider weird.

Even so, we often feel no shame or embarrassment and embrace how unusual these habits are, and take our friends teasing or laughing at us for doing so in stride.

Sometimes, however, we might not like to advertise some of our unusual habits or actions and make every effort to keep them a well-guarded secret.

As raised eyebrows are much easier to take than blatant judgment from friends and peers.

Redditor Key_Nectarine_1969 was curious to hear all the weird things people have done which they still keep under lock and key, leading them to ask:

"What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done that you could only tell people anonymously?"

The Devil [Dogs] Is In The Detail...

"All throughout middle school, there was someone who tucked unwrapped Hostess Devil Dogs into the toilet paper dispensers in the bathrooms, so that when you pulled some toilet paper out, the devil dog would fall out into your hand."

"We had to have an assembly about it."

"That person... Was me."- bejeweled_sky

Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

"Was drunk at an escape room with coworkers."

"It was an extreme one where you are handcuffed the entire time."

"I decided in my drunken state that it would be bada** to dislocated my thumb and slip off the cuffs like the movies."

"It wasn't."

"We got kicked out, my coworkers were weirded out and I had to go to the hospital."

"I quit a few weeks later."

"White collar wasn't for me."- Grotesque-penguin

The Bread Of Heaven

"Stole over 1,000 wafers from church because I really liked the communion wafers & didn’t know where else to get them."

"I felt really blessed & cursed for a long time."- hALLIEcinate

catholic the exorcist GIFGiphy

Retracing Steps...

"Once I got off the subway in NYC and I was super early for an appointment."

"So I picked a random guy and just followed him on foot for like 30 minutes, pretending I was like a private detective or something."

"Always kept about a half block behind."

"He turned this way and that, and eventually went into a building I had lived in 9 years earlier."

"It was weird, and so was I."- OKsurewhynotyep

Hygeine Be Damned...

"I found a dead rat in a field when i was younger and kissed it bc I wanted to say goodbye."- qeleia

exercise push up GIFGiphy

Bad Decisions Have A Way Of Getting Back To You...

"We got super drunk and ate a ton of spicy food in New Orleans."

"Back at the B&B, the food started to come out the back side."

"I was sitting on the toilet sh*tting bricks of fire."

"At that moment, the booze decided to hang a u-turn."

"The trash can was out of reach and I couldn't risk standing up from the toilet for even 5 seconds."

"The closest receptacle was the bathtub."

"I managed to turn in such a way that I could keep shi*ting in the toilet while projectile vomiting into the tub."

"Both ended up clogged, and there was no plunger."

"I had to call the owner to explain that I had destroyed both their toilet and their tub simultaneously."- HoopOnPoop

Things Best Left To Professionals...

"My partner is weirdly prone to cysts."

"I had to drain a 3 inch cyst on her back (thankfully she had a dr's appt the next week), then multiple other little cysts on her legs and chest."

"I never told her to her face but that first giant cyst literally haunted me, the amount of pus and blood I saw....good heavens."- SleepyBiologist

uruguay spot GIF by sargentoPezGiphy

At Least A Lesson Was Learned...

"When I was walking to school one morning, I saw a kid (7-8 yo?) kicking a dog."

"I ran over & kicked the kid and asked him how it felt."

"He ran off and no one saw."

"Still not sorry."- sneezyailurophile

All Creatures Deserve Love

"I was extremely socially isolated as a child and tried to make friends with the coyotes who lived in the woods by our home."

'I caught one in a snare and fed and kept her."

"I wanted a friend."- letthetreeburn

That's What Friends Are For...

"My wife and her best friend pick me up from a frat party black out drunk."

"Then they helped me take a sh*t on the toilet, wiped my a** and then gave me a shower and put me to bed naked."

"Don’t remember any of it."- nc3100

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Not The Right Kind Of Manure...

"One time I went outside at like 2AM and put the garden hose nozzle into my butthole and sprayed some water into it, then farted it out onto the lawn."

"Basically gave myself an enema with a garden hose."

"I did this because I was bored."

"My neighbour saw me and told my dad (lived at home at the time)."- WaspsInMyGoatse

A Little Fantasy Now And Then...

"When I was younger I joined an international dating site that I figured was a scam."

"Put a black square as my picture and gave myself a fake name, and then looked through their users."

"And after about 10 minutes I had like a 100 messages."

"Most of them were messages telling me how handsome I was or how these women fell in love with me at first site."

"Now I knew it was a scam but when ever I felt down or got rejected for a while I would pop back on the site and read a few messages."

'Yeah it’s kinda cringy and probably pathetic but it made me feel better."

"I would just turn off that logical part of my brain that knew it was a scam for awhile and just pretend I was this popular and desirable guy."

"And it honestly got me through the day sometimes."- Demonking3343

dating app GIFGiphy

If anyone says they've never done anything they're ashamed, or at the very least less-than-proud of, in all likelihood, they are lying.

Or, more likely, they understandably want to pretend that it never happened.

Which might be a little easier than harboring a secret.