If you haven't spent a lot of time around kids, it can be easy to forget they're entire tiny people - often with big personalities. Combine that with the fact that they generally have almost no filter and let's be honest, some of them are downright hilarious.
Reddit user Happyclapclapclap asked:
... and that's how you all ended up with an article that talks about how Hitler is a dolphin, Patrick Warburton teaches about fungi, and "nom-fiction."
Oh, and a perfectly timed death threat. Timing is everything, people.
This is high school biology. A guy who was known for being a pretty good voice actor was reading a page on the properties of fungi in multiple impressions, making everyone laugh. He often got picked to read after that, and never disappointed. We've had:
Yogi bear, Irish guy, Disney princess, Shaggy, Scottish guy, Patrick Warburton, and many more.
Before he graduated, his voice was also recorded for phone messages informing of school events, schools voicemail, and MC for many school events.
Birds and BeesGiphy
While teaching sexual reproduction to year 8, one student loudly announced "I don't get why they call it the birds and the bees. Trains and tunnels makes way more sense" I remember it ever single time I teach that unit, and it still makes me giggle.
On my first class, I asked my students to introduce themselves saying their names, their hometown and something they liked. Most of them were guys and they liked music, sports, videogames and such. After four guys introduced themselves, the fifth guy said "Hi, I'm Peter, I'm from X place and unlike the other guys, I like girls"
and we all laughed way too loud.
A kid asked if he could have a drink coz he had a cough, then proceeded to pull out a 6 pint bottle of apple juice.
- from his bag
A Dolphin Dictator
Did a presentation about conspiracy theories. It was assessed and had to be recorded. He started off so normal, until he got to the Da Vinci code, and started talking about the possibilities of Jesus and Mary having sex.
I lost it, but held it together, for the recording.
Then asked him to elaborate on other theories he had heard, he calmly said 'Well, there was this one that said that Hitler was a dolphin' and I had to escort myself out.
While walking around the classroom, I tripped on a boy's backpack and almost faceplanted on the floor. A girl asked me if I were okay, to which I replied "no, X almost killed me."
He turned to me and, without missing a beat, replied "I won't fail next time!"
We still laugh about it about every two weeks. Definitely my favourite in that group.
Not necessarily the class clown, but I once had one of my first graders look me square in the eye and ask me, "why don't they call cookbooks 'nom-fiction'?" It's stuck with me for about 5 years now!
I'm a teacher's assistant. There was this goofy boy (who I'll call A) in my math class that would announce students as they walked into class. He wasn't mean or anything. He'd just either just say your name like the Price is Right announcer or something silly about you like "Ladies & Gentleman, you may know him as Chris but we all call him That Guy who referred to grey as 'dark white!'"
Usually nothing bad, so we let him do it.
But one time during class this girl walks in and she was pretty small. She kinda looked like she might be a little person but insisted that she wasn't. Anyway, A starts hushing the class and says "Guys, guys we are in the presence of a celebrity." And we all start looking around and then he says "Welcome, everyone, the Midget from Hell Date!!"
I laughed so hard I got sent to the nurses office to use my inhaler.
No Phones In Class
I was teaching in China (a private school where parents or the child carers would attend also) and this one child would not listen to me or anybody else - he was totally free and involved in his own wild world. His father accompanied him but would go into the very back of the room to talk on his cell phone.
I had warned the parent to put down or shut off the phone and pay attention to his son. He didn't listen either. I eventually took the phone from the father. His son yelled (in English!) to his father, "you in trouuuuble" and he laughed and laughed - such a contagious giggle! I guess the kid was paying attention.
A For Effort
A kindergartner called me over and was very proud of what they just colored. The girl sitting next to him looked at it, then looked at him and said "well at least you're trying your best."
It feels like I scrub and scrub and scrub and still things are never fully clean.
I have no idea what spotless looks like.
Soap always leaves spots.
And as soon as you finish sweeping, there is more to sweep.
Tell me your secrets.
Redditorgossipchickenwanted to hear about all the best ways make things spic and span. They asked:
"Janitors/maids of Reddit. What are some neat cleaning tricks we can use?"
We all can use as much advice as possible when it comes to cleaning. So let's listen up.
Red MattersBrea Grant Movie GIF by Signature EntertainmentGiphy
"Peroxide gets fresh blood out of clothes/linens if applied ASAP."
"If it's your blood, your own spit also begins the breakdown process!!!"
"Tri-sodoum-phosphate is my go to for anything oil/fat based. Get it in the painting prep supplies at the hardware store. It just melts though grease. You only need a tiny bit for a stain. Mix a few tbsp into your bucket for cleaning around the kitchen."
"Mix 10:1 with water to clean really really greasy messes, like between the stove and the cupboards in a new rental or to strip waxed floors. Keep the stripping ability in mind if you're cleaning anything wood, you can take off the finish if it's a strong mix or sits too long."
"Only reason it's not in all cleaning products like it used to be was overuse was causing problems with algae growth in waterways (phosphates). It's not a problem to use a bit there and there, it's more a problem if every single load of laundry done by everyone has phosphates."
Get the Gunk
"Former cleaning tech here. Get a scrub daddy and some bar keeper’s friend. Literally the best stuff I’ve ever used to get any sort of gunk or residue off of any surface."
"Not a cleaning professional (and God bless all of you, you should be paid a hell of a lot more than you already are, no f**king joke), but barkeeper's friend, a scrub daddy, some steel wool, rubbing alcohol, vinegar, baking soda makes a hell of a cleaning kit. There are few household messes you can't fix with them."
"Make sure the mops and brooms are long enough so you don’t have to bend. That increases your efficiency and you don’t get tired easily."
"Man. I'm entirely freaking convinced that no mop or broom is made for people over 5'8". TF am i supposed to do when I'm holding the top of the broom at my waist? I'm disabled. Slightly bending over to do housework is the greatest source of rage (and pain) in my life and I hate it."
To DustCleaning Tidying GIF by The Addams FamilyGiphy
"Use an old pillowcase to dust ceiling fan blades, it contains the dust so you don't get the dreaded allergy ash cloud."
I hate dust. And I hate ceiling fans. So good to know.
GeniusLets Go Dancing GIF by Rosanna PansinoGiphy
"Vacuum your way out of a room to not leave footprints. Incredibly satisfying work."
"Learned this one from a janitor. Don't scrub right away when you're mopping a floor. First get the whole floor soaked (kind of like soaking a dish with dried on food), then go back to the beginning. Anything that was stuck to the floor will be easier to clean with less work."
"(Restaurant janitor) Pouring Hot coffee and letting it sit for a while paired with a good follow up scrub for some reason is good at removing grease stains, I was shown this and never looked further into the why it works but it does!"
"Might be because coffee is slightly acidic! Really good tip as long as you clean the coffee off properly."
Relaxmatt smith newspaper GIF by HULUGiphy
"If you show up to a job and find out that the building was unused that day then make sure the garbages are empty then go find a quiet place to read for 8 hours."
"Former custodian here. Trash bags don't need to have all that air surrounding them, wasting space in the can and making trash bounce back out, and it's surprisingly easy to get out."
"- Unfurl the bag and get some air in it, so it's not stuck to itself."
"- Shake the air out. Yes, this may sound like extra work, but the next part is cool."
"- Fling the bag, bottom-first, into the trash can, holding onto the top so it doesn't just crumple up at the bottom."
"- Blow into the bag from a foot away. The Bernoulli Effect fills the bag AND pushes out all the air around the bag."
"Now the bag fills the trash can and has its full capacity ready to use. You can even add a knot to hold the bag in place if you want, but I've found it's not needed if done right."
Maybe now I can keep my house clean. Maybe...
Ah, the great outdoors.
One of the worst places ever.
I have never understood people's fascination with camping.
Give me a TV, a bed, and air conditioning any day.
Camping only leads to trouble.
Convinvce me otherwise.
RedditorDolphins_With_D*ldoswanted to hear from everyone who has been left shook by spending time in the great outdoors. They asked:
"What's your scariest camping experience?"
I barely wonder into the backyard. Last time I was there, there were snakes. Hell no.
A Few SipsCardi B Drink GIF by MOODMANGiphy
"Solo camp in the middle of nowhere. When I woke up in the morning someone had made a cup of tea and partially drunk it in the middle of the night. No sign of anyone anywhere."
"Camping with my kids in the woods for the first time. They were very nervous, but I assured them that nothing was out there to be afraid. Immediately after one of my assurances, we heard something moving outside of the tent. They started crying a bit, and I said it was either the wind or maybe a racoon a little bit away. At that moment, something came down on the top of the tent... something pushing in at four spots. They lost their minds with terror... even I screamed."
"It was our cat. My wife had let him outside, and he made his way down in the woods to see us. He was young and had never seen a tent before and jumped on top of it right above us. This was a few years ago, and my kids still bring up how scary it was and how daddy screamed."
"I went camping alone (female) with only my son who was about four at the time. When setting up in a fairly remote place, there was a guy who just stood watching us from about 100 metres away (his tent was all set up). During the night, we heard footsteps walking around our tent for about half an hour. No other noises."
"I sat up with a mallet in my hands for the rest of the night. When it got light, I went outside and saw hundreds of emu tracks all over our campsite and a friendly camper neighbour congratulating me on getting the tent up by myself because he wasn't sure I could do it but didn't want to intrude."
"Sheer terror when I was a kid at boy scout summer camp. One kid left a couple airheads out on the picnic table. Everyone woke up in the middle of the night to, no joke 30+ raccoons fighting over airheads and going into tents looking for more food. If you've never heard that many hissing and growling raccoons at the same time good for you."
Staring OutTired Over It GIFGiphy
"Camping in the Serengeti with Masai tribe men as guards. Sitting around the fire when suddenly the Masi looks out into the pitch blackness, turns the flashlight on illuminating The eyes of a lion 40 yards out. Just staring at us. I never heard a thing."
Now why do people do this to themselves? When there are lovely Marriots.
Under the Starsscared bear GIFGiphy
"I was about 8, I didn't want to sleep in the tent with my sister so I slept on a cot under the stars."
"Woke up to a bear sniffing my head/neck. I was basically paralyzed with fear, the bear left me and went to sniff around for snacks. It made enough noise to wake my parents who then scared it away. I moved my cot into my sister's tent immediately after."
"why, what happened?"
"I was camping in Zion National Park in late August 1992. The campground was almost empty by then. At 3:30 in the morning I woke up in midair. You know those dreams where that happens? I figured that's what it was... then I hit the ground. Earthquake. Then I was hearing cracking sounds, a few small thuds, then thud."
"Little bits of the cliff face had sheared off. Thankfully the campground was far enough from there that no one was injured. Had that happened in the daytime there's a good chance that a number of people would have been killed. The park was closed for a few days after that, and you couldn't get in or out for much of that day, as one entrance road was just gone, and the other one a boulder the size of a car had fallen on it."
"That one they got open that day and they kicked everyone out of the park. Anyhow I called home to say I was OK, everyone was like 'Why, what happened?' It hadn't made the news or anything, fortunately it was relatively mild, just some local destruction."
"I was tent camping in Arkansas around 2003-04, and The Blair Witch project was still fresh on my mind. I was about 20 years old at the time. Around 2-3 in the morning we’re woken up by what sounds like a small child running around our tent crying and trying to get in. I was thoroughly freaked out."
"Finally decided to open the tent and there was a kid that couldn’t have been more than 3 years old scared half to death and only wearing a diaper. I had lots of thought going through my head, but mostly - how the hell do I handle this. I can’t really go campsite to campsite, the ranger office is closed and I’m standing there in the middle of the night holding a child that isn’t mine."
"We had decided to call the cops, figuring it was the safest thing to do, just then a lady walks down the trail and is like ‘how did you get out?’ The kid was saying ‘mama, mama…’ and went straight to her. She nonchalantly said thank you and walked away. Now as a parent, I can’t imagine how much more that would freak me out if it were my kid."
"I went on a road trip with some friends to Lake Chelan. We left late and got lost (this was before cell phones, we didn’t have a map and trusted my friends memory). So we pull off the road and decide to camp for the night at a grassy area. We have limited lights and quickly make our tent."
"We’re woken in the morning by someone hitting the tent and screaming to get off his property. We’d inadvertently camped on some poor guys lawn. We were just dumb 18 year old kids but have never packed up camp that quickly before!"
Woofwild dogs puppies GIF by Nat Geo Wild Giphy
"Thought our tent was being attacked by 3 bears. Turns out someone's dogs just got loose and the light outside made them look gigantic."
And this is why I only sleep in actual beds. Inside.
It can be so "frustrating" when people mispronounce words.
Very, very frustrating indeed.
Particularly for grammarians, who might as well be hearing nails on a chalkboard when they hear "sherbert" or "libary".
Some words are even mispronounced so frequently, that the majority of people might not even realize they're saying the word incorrectly.
Making things all the more unbearable for sticklers for grammar.
Redditor BubbaClegane was curious to hear which common or not-so-common mispronunciations make the Reddit community want to pull their hair out, leading them to ask:
"What mispronunciation makes you excessively angry?'
'B and D are interchangeable, aren't they?"
Hearing this is FRUSTRATING!
"My coworker adds some extra syllables to frustrated."
"She says fer-ust-er-at-ed."
"Or maybe I've been pronouncing it wrong my whole life."- MarvellouslyChaoticFran Healy Reaction GIF by TravisGiphy
Might want to pay a visit to learn how to pronounce it properly...
"It is LIBRARY!"- F*ckBradfordPears
Understandable, but still wrong
All the time he spent in front of one makes this especially surprising...
"I used to have a help-desk guy who pronounced 'Console', the thing you use to control an old computer, as 'council'."
"And he used the word ALL THE TIME when doing phone support, and it drove me absolutely over the edge."- GuruBuckaroovideo game lol GIF by Robbie CobbGiphy
"This is very specific to my aunt."
"She pronounces 'exactly' as “ezacly'."
"I can’t stand it."- antisocial_moth2
One "X" lead to another...
"EKscape for escape."
"My boyfriend did that and now he’s my Eks-boyfriend."- just_some_australian
Too many to name!!!
"Instead of saying shoes, my friend would say shoosh."
"Another one is when people say sammich instead of sandwich."
"It bothers the heeeeeeeck out of me."- HuntridgeHuntridgeOh Brother Ugh GIF by Hey ArnoldGiphy
Of all the words to mispronounce...
Should you not be certain how to pronounce any word, people are always willing to help those who ask.
And tend to be even more inclined those "aksing" for help.
That is, until, we travel abroad and experience culture shock after observing how others interact with each other outside of our own country.
"What's an incredibly American thing americans don't realize is american?"
Americans respond differently than people from other nations when it comes to indicating where they're from.
Location Location Location
"I used to work in a call Center that took calls from Americans and Canadians. I’d ask 'Where are you from, Canada or the US?' Canadians would say 'Canada' and American would say 'Texas' or 'New York' etc. Never ever would they reply with their country name."
Sticking To Specifics
"Might just be me, but I do notice when you ask Americans on the internet where they're from, they reply with either a state or a city instead of their country."
"The thing is, it doesn't cause any confusion, since most people know most American states and at least the major cities."
"You don't often see an Indonesian person, for example, say they're from West Java. Just that they're from Indonesia."
"I also find that Americans often include where they were born. For example "I'm from Philly but originally from Jersey.'"
"Edit: I understand that the US is big and has many different regions. I'm Canadian and find that Canadians typically don't answer that way, despite being very large."
Some people are dumbfounded by these the following behaviors and tendencies.
"Its the American pronunciation of 'squirrel' that gets me. Here its a two syllable word. 'Sqwe-rell' kinda. But when my American gf says it it comes out kinda like 'sqwurl.' The first time she said it I thought she said 'swirl'. Its just one syllable."
"Ranch. I never knew ranch was just an American thing until recently."
Time To Close Out The Check
"Not having to ask for the bill."
"Handing your credit card to a stranger, having them walk away, swipe it, then bring it back to like they didn’t just put a down payment on a new house with it…"
"Universities in Europe are simply institutions of higher learning, nothing more."
"Americans would be surprised by the cultural differences when it comes to university education. There are no athletic teams, no Greek life, no 30 foot climbing walls at universities in Europe. You come to school to learn and leave when your classes are over for the day. If you want to study, you can go to the library, but there is very little that a university offers outside of academia."
"Mixing three different canned foods together and calling it a casserole."
Transactions that seem normal to Americans is considered completely unusual in other countries.
Name The Price
"Not including tax on prices displayed in stores."
"Drive thru atms and everything else."
"I didn't learn we had drive thru liquor stores until later in my life."
Side Effects May Include Feeling Jaded
"Prescription drug commercials."
"Me and my husband love watching the American feed of NFL. We quite like the drug ads, as they have to list all the side effects and it sound like every drug will kill you. We love laughing at the ads."
Tipping has always been a practice I never understood.
In many other countries, it is not customary to tip because–from what I understand–service industry employees are already incentivized to work hard and provide excellent service because they are already more than reasonably compensated.
Depending on the situation, I think tipping is a flawed system that doesn't work fairly for the consumer and the employee as it can breed resentment.
But that's just my two cents -- which for the record is NOT an appropriate tip. The figure you're looking for is 20%.