Things That Are Killing Dating In The Modern Age
Reddit user princeflare asked: 'What do you think is the true killer of modern dating?'
We can all agree that, while it's supposed to be fun, navigating the dating scene is hard.
But since the world has never before seen the technological tools it has at its disposal now, never before will we have seen how this technology could impact our relationships.
But it goes much deeper than people sitting in the same room with each other while only engaging with their screens.
Seeming to be getting fed up with the dating scene, Redditor princeflare asked:
"What do you think is the true killer of modern dating?"
No Third Places Left
"A lot of commenters are saying "dating apps" but I think that misses the mark. The true culprit is the loss of community and, as someone else mentioned, the Third Place. We wouldn't need dating apps if people were still able to meet organically as much as we used to."
- RedOliphant
Fear of Being Approached
"A lot of women nowadays freak out if asked out even organically. A friend and I were at the bar a bit before the pandemic and we were having a good time and started talking with a mixed group near us. Eventually, groups merged and we were all having fun."
"We ended up having a lot of conversations with two of the girls in that group. One went to the bathroom and the other right after she left was all like, 'You should totally ask out my friend,' and all that."
"Fast forward through the night, and eventually, we are playing pool, and that girl and I are kinda in the corner by ourselves, so I asked her for her number."
"She just freaked out, like, 'I gotta get out of here' style freakout."
"We hung out for like two hours, laughed together multiple times, we're were in public place near people she knows, we had a small bit of physical contact initiated by her, her friend thought I should ask her out, I didn't do it within earshot of everyone to not put her on the spot, etc. I very much can't imagine a scenario where I could make someone more comfortable beforehand."
"I'm married now to a great woman but when you try off dating apps and it's looking like the stars aligned and you get that response, it's just like, what the h**l is wrong with people."
- ThatOtherOneReddit
"Wow, just when you think the signs couldn’t be any clearer, she pulled a complete 180."
"Glad you ended up finding someone good, though."
- SleeplessShinigami
What (True Crime Podcasts) Heck?
"Is it crazy to link the explosion to true crime content and it largely being consumed by women to their fear of an organic dating scene in the last 20 years?"
"I’ve heard some crazy stats about women EATING up true crime content which can induce paranoia, I listened to that s**t for a summer and couldn’t look behind myself at night as a 6’2 male, lol (laughing out loud). Terrible and anxiety-causing stuff."
- Mositesophagus
"Dude, not at all crazy to link it all together. I actually had to have a small intervention with my ex-girlfriend a couple years ago because all she listened to was podcasts about murder... etc. and she was becoming so insecure and anxious, and it absolutely was changing her personality and sense of safety."
"We even had a similar talk about following nothing but Instagram models… things like that will completely warp your view of the world."
- DaUnionBaws
"Not crazy at all. Studies have shown that watching crime dramas, the news, and true crime type stuff can all lead to unrealistic perceptions on how dangerous the world actually is."
- DumatRising
Too Many Options
"The true killer of modern dating is the paradox of choice, where endless options often lead to indecision and commitment issues."
- Isabella_XS
"It's amusingly called a frictionless market. There's no cost in continuing to look for the 'perfect' partner, so people skip over the good matches they could build a happy life with."
"I wanted to add: There seems to be some confusion about what the costs are, and what the side-effects of this scenario are. In a non-frictionless market, there's a cost in time and effort to continue looking."
"For example, if you're looking for a perfect apple, and you can't find it in your store, you drive to store after store. That costs time, gas, etc., costs that you don't have in online dating, because to continue looking is just another swipe on the dating app. So there's no deterrent to continue looking because to continue looking is 'free.'"
"The side-effects are around failure to have successful relationships, emotional costs due to frustrated expectations and relationships."
- CreakyBear
Lack of Shared Experiences
"Call me old-fashioned, but it’s the complete lack of mystique, in my opinion. Part of the fun of dating pre-internet was learning about a person and getting to know them through conversation and shared experience."
"We are more connected than ever before but there is a loneliness epidemic happening. It all seems so cheap and seedy nowadays."
- Due-Explanation6717
"I'd add getting to know them by actually talking to them instead of sleuthing around to find stuff about their life."
- Vivid-Ears
"Totally agreed. Shared experiences are such a huge factor, and nobody wants to give anyone time anymore."
- kkc0722
Level Up: Dating Gamification
"The gamification of swiping left or right on hundreds of profiles based off of two-second first impressions, typing one-word messages, and then ghosting them or unmatching because you’re bored. Not treating them like actual humans. There’s always a new profile to move onto."
"I say this as someone who literally met their current spouse on Tinder, but online dating apps are (for the most part) very demoralizing. I couldn’t wait to get off the app and meet up in person to have a real human connection."
- hobbitybobbit
"This really rings true to me. I was already with my husband when dating apps took off. I vividly remember watching some friends check their apps and just saying, 'Nope, nope, ew, doesn’t make enough money, too short, nope.' It was all based on their immediate impression of the photo and bio."
"Then they’d start messaging someone and obsessing over exactly what to say, how quickly to reply, what did the other person mean by that. There was so much analysis and decision-making before they ever met someone in person."
"I know several couples who met online and have great relationships, so it can work for some people, but I know many more who have struggled with online dating."
- packofkitens
"I think this is definitely it. My husband and I met on Tinder, but he doesn't even have social media, and I only use it to post big things like our wedding and literally nothing else. So not avidly. Our first date was like five days after we matched and moving off the app to meeting in person definitely changes the dynamic and trust and should be done as soon as possible."
"Social media is a killer of interpersonal connections and has created a shallow society."
- IAmOnTheRunAndGo
Getting Paid to Date... or... Paying... to Date... Wait, What?
"If we consider that modern dating is largely just online dating at this point."
"Then the clearcut killer of modern dating to me is monetization. A decade ago Tinder was AWESOME. It was very easy to match with people, land dates, and participate in hook-up culture if you wanted to. OKCupid was fun and based on personality, lifestyle, and chemistry. Bumble was a decent alternative to Tinder."
"Then they all I think got bought out by one company and all started to care more about profit than purpose."
"Bumble, you get like ten likes a day max. Sometimes five. It’s inconsistent."
"Tinder you have a ton of bots and ads and spam accounts. You have to pay money to access the same features that you got for free before."
"OkCupid went away with their great formula and went for a swipe feature instead and now it sucks."
"Hinge could be good but it locks away the most essential, basic filters for finding suitable dates behind a paywall."
- StayWinning100x
Work-Life-Dating Balance
"Work-life balance. People are too tired or too broke to go out and do things. Any spare time and you are just too tired to want to do anything. This is how dating apps took off and led to objectification and judging people in five seconds."
- AShadowinthedark
"Yeah. It’s so exhausting to do anything after work. Friday is just recovering Saturday is the day to do everything and Sunday is for preparation for the week. How can you get the time to get to know new people?"
- beholderost
"Oh gosh, I thought I was alone in this! The couple of times I have started seeing someone I end up completely overwhelmed because I never get a day to just do nothing. I’m too tired during the week, so would have to cram seeing family, and friends, and going on a date on a weekend. I feel much more relaxed single."
"I wish I could’ve met someone in school where it seems like it was much easier to see them during the week."
- OrangeTree81
The Search for Perfection
"The fact that, thanks to a steady diet of social media and brain-dead entertainment, everybody seems to think that they deserve a partner that checks all the items in their cartoonishly unrealistic list of requisites while at the same time they, at their best, would have basically f**k all to offer their fantastical ideal partner in return. And odds are they're not at their best anyway, so they have even less than f**k all to offer."
"And to top it off, everybody seems to think that this imaginary ideal partner should put in all the work and effort in the relationship, including pursuing them before the relationship even starts, while they sit back and do, well, f**k all."
- Tough_Stretch
"'You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn’t, either. The question is, whether or not you’re perfect for each other...' I think that quote is what people miss."
- Believeland99
The Need to Share
"Social media and dating apps. How on earth is not broadcasting your life a red flag? To me, that is a neon green flag."
"The last place I would look for love is on an app. Maybe I am old-fashioned... the instant filtering is just plain weird."
- sporks_and_forks
Increased Opportunities to Cheat
"I've been cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever been in because of Instagram and Snapchat, obviously not 'because,' but they make cheating a lot easier and seemingly less 'painful,' which it’s not."
"I’m sick and tired of this s**t, man. I just want a loyal woman in my life, I’m tired of being f**king hurt. All my friends have been cheated on at least once, some physically and most on social media. Mine all of the above. So tired of it, for real, man."
"Where the f**k did true, loyal, adorable love go?"
- Critical-Balance2747
Knowing Your Worth
"I would say egos, and people that think they have a high perceived value to the point they feel like others should bend over backwards to be in their presence."
- halle1111
"I've been saying this for years. The phrase 'know your worth' is ingrained into everybody nowadays, but nobody is willing to have a frank conversation with themselves about what they are worth."
- Beneficial-Cucumber
Too Many Main Characters for One Story
"Main Character Syndrome."
- Logical-Wasabi7402
"I came here to say this, you know, one NPC (Non-Player Character) to another."
- Tight-Context9426
One Word: Escapism
"I mean, life in general. But getting more specific, I'd say escapism. Social media, gaming, drugs and alcohol. It's all a way to escape reality and while it feels good in the moment, it takes you away from the process of growing as a person and growing with another person."
"It causes resentment, contempt, f**ks with insecurities, and has shifted the point of partnership from PARTNERSHIP to access. We're all traumatized and we're all running from something."
- ProduceDue7659
We Just Need a Nap
"We're tired, boss. Just plain worn out, burnt out, run down tired. Work-life balance is dead, society is mentally draining, and literally everything worth doing costs money. When the h**l are you supposed to meet that person when you get home from work and immediately go to bed so you can be up at 4:30 A.M. to do it again tomorrow?"
- Nkechinyerembi
"This is everything, buddy. I feel this and I don't see my self getting married and for sure not having kids. I don't want to introduce a new life into a decaying world that refuses to fix its older generations' mistakes. This whole attitude of 'I will be dead before it effects me' f**king sucks."
- pixelsandfilm
It's totally understandable that each generation, with its own priorities and relationship with technology, will see a shift in how their social lives look.
All of that being said, it's still surprising how extensive of a reach technology and social media now have in our dating lives, going from people not really knowing how someone looks until seeing their in-person... to hardly ever have the opportunity to see them in-person anyway.
People Share The Absolute Worst Thing An Ex Ever Said To Them
Reddit user thomasc16 asked: 'What is something an ex has said that broke you and is etched into your memory?'
One of the most painful things in life has to be the realization that the person you love the most doesn't love you back.
But there are far more hurtful things that they could say, as it turns out, than simply admitting their absence of feelings.
Redditor thomasc16 asked:
"What is something an ex has said that broke you and is etched into your memory?"
Damaged Goods
"'You are damaged goods. Any man who chooses to be with you is doing so as a last resort and not because he actually loves you.'"
- Ok-Roof4820
If Only It Was You
"She said, 'I wish it was you!' when her ex died suddenly. She was cheating on me with him and was planning to leave. Godd**n. Still hurts to remember it."
- jempyre
A Loud Silence
"We used to say 'I love you' to each other, but one day, I said 'I love you,' and all I heard was the loudest silence of my life."
- Lighten_Up_Please
Easy to Forget
"'You're easy to forget about.'"
"We had been together for 14 years. He went to the motocross track after work and forgot to pick me up from surgery to have my gallbladder removed. He dropped me off at the hospital that morning."
- lizzardgizzards
The Deepest Hate
"'I hope that some day you'll hate someone as much as I hate you.'"
- TrailerParkPrepper
No Future Family
"He told me, ‘I feel like you’d be the kind of mother that would neglect their children.'"
- mindlessdreamingxo
Different Experiences
"I dated a girl for seven months, and when we broke up, I asked her what part went wrong, and she just said, 'The entire time.'"
"But hey, at least it wasn’t years in."
- IDontLikeChimneys
Chosen Family is Family
"An ex told me, 'At least my mother wanted me.'"
"I am adopted."
"I called my adopted mom, and she told me to always remember that she chose me."
- cita11
Lack of Attraction
"He said, 'I no longer find you attractive,' after I tearfully asked why we don't have sex or even have any physical touch."
"We'd been married for just over 12 years at that point, and he had gained more weight than I had."
"That was this past November, and I began the divorce in April."
"There was more to it, but that still echoes in my head."
- snippyb***h
Just Too Much
"That I was ‘too much.’ Singing in the car? Too much. Resting my head on his shoulder? Too much."
"I was always ‘too’ something. Too loud, too quiet, too immature, too affectionate, too know-it-all, etc."
"It made me question everything that made me... me. It took (and is still taking) time to realize I shouldn’t change my core self to please someone else."
- awkward_turtle_2121
"If I'm too much, then go find less."
- bonnarooviansoul
Incredible Avoidance
"'Sometimes I wish you would die so I don’t have to deal with us.'"
"I will never forget that. And while there were lots of sorry’s and I never meant it’s, it still stings to think about."
- lifeishard1090
Easy to Cheat
"He said, 'I knew I could cheat on you because I knew you trusted me, and it made it really easy.'"
"From a journal entry I came across: 'How do I even tell X I love f**king strangers more than I even love them, or even like them?'"
"(I looked after he cheated for closure because he consistently lied through his teeth, and I felt I was owed to know why.)"
"There went an eight-year relationship."
- Dangerous_Belt2859
Single Parent Trouble
"She only married me because I was a safe bet for her kids."
"I would have been fine with that in the end, because I still love those kids to this day, but she cheated on me, and I couldn't let that slide, so I ended things."
"One day, they will be old enough to make their own decisions, and I am staying available publicly so they can easily find me when they reach that age. And if they don't, well, I'll just be crushed the rest of the way."
- sregor0280
It's Been Decided
"'I don’t want to be with you anymore and there is nothing you can say to change my mind.'"
"I just heard this on Sunday and man that one hurt because I totally didn’t see it coming. We had a great relationship for three and a half years."
- Yeesusman
It totally makes sense why these were the worst things that these Redditors had ever heard and why they were unable to forget them.
While all people are capable of being hurtful, these comments really go above and beyond.
We've all heard the saying by now that "If the guy has to tell you he's nice, he's probably not very nice at all." Unfortunately, many of us can personally attest to this.
And it's almost shocking how many of those stories are contained in the Reddit community.
Recently, Redditor targetgoldengoose opened a whole can of worms when they asked:
"Has anyone ever given a 'nice guy' a chance after they've thrown a tantrum because you didn't let them treat you like a queen? And if you did, how did it work out?"
Too Much Too Fast
"I met a guy online and he seemed really nice. He was a tad pushy about meeting up but I ignored that little feeling. We met up shortly after for a quick date (I think we got coffee) and chatted. It was instant chemistry, he had 2 sons and I have 2 kids, both open to blended families, goal-oriented, smart, and easy conversation."
"We decided to go out again the next night, really nice date and he was a complete gentleman. He mentioned on the date we'd have to get the kids together to see if they like each other. I laughed it off, like, 'Yeah, maybe down the road, we just met,' and continued the date."
"Two days later, during our texting, I casually mentioned I was going to take my kids on a nature walk and I'd text him when I was back."
"He showed up with his kids. Now, I don't have it in me to be mean to children so I played nice and introduced myself (they were around 5 and 7, and very sweet boys) but inside I was creeped the f**k out."
"After we parted ways, I called him and told him that was not cool AT ALL. Of course, he played the victim and hurt until I said I was uncomfortable with what he did... then it was 'I'm just trying to love you and your kids' and 'how can we be together if they don't meet' and 'you should appreciate a man trying with a woman with 2 kids'... as if he didn't have 2 his d**n self."
"He sent angry messages for about a week, but I never would respond, and he went away."
"To clarify, this all happened in a 2-week span. From start to finish."
- lasha890
The Beginning and End of Tinder
"It was my first (and last) tinder date."
"I went to the guy's house and figured it would be safe since he had 2 roommates."
"He'd lived with these roommates for 6 months and when I asked him their names, he couldn't tell me! First red flag."
"I was like Uhm... how? Any sane person would make some attempt to learn their roommates' names. It's not like he was in a basement suite. He shared many common areas with them."
"When I got there, his house was barely furnished. There was a large tv in the living room and no seating whatsoever. He quickly scrambled upstairs to get two child-sized egg chairs and planted them in front of the TV."
"The TV was playing a movie that was mostly porn and super inappropriate for a first date. I figured he was trying to get me horny? It just made me uncomfortable. As did the egg chair I didn't fit in."
"He promptly signaled for me to come to sit on his lap, I figured it might be more comfortable than the chair I was in."
"At one point, he went in for a kiss and I thought what the heck, might as well try to enjoy myself. It was AWFUL. All I could feel were his teeth and his lizard tongue punching my uvula. I actually had to hold back gags."
"After that, I waited about 15 minutes before signaling that I was going to leave, mostly to preserve his feelings."
"So after the date, I messaged him, saying I couldn't see a second date happening. I was as nice as humanly possible."
"He LOST it: 'You're just a w**re!' and 'Didn't want you anyways!' and 'Now you are showing your TRUE colors!'"
"But then he switched to: 'I love you, though!' and 'I was going to bring you to Greece!'"
"He flip-flopped between those two states and called me (no answer) every 3 minutes until I blocked him on everything."
"Then I deleted Tinder."
- kellogg888
Lucky to Have Him
"Oooh, finally my time to... shine? I guess? In high school, I briefly dated a 'nice guy' (complete with an actual fedora in 2000 before they were really a thing; thanks, art school!)."
"I had been in a really horrible, abusive relationship with a guy in his 20s just before, and in fairness, my 'nice guy' then-friend had been instrumental in helping me to realize how f**ked up our vibe was and helping me to leave an objectively horrible situation."
"He then promptly swooped in and started pushing for romantic intimacy between us. He never actually declared feelings (he was never that straightforward about his own thoughts and desires) but just talked about the way I deserved to be treated (like a queen, obvs) and made it clear he felt he was the only one who would give me that."
"Many of my friends were pushing for it, as well. He was nice, after all, and my previous boyfriends had been so objectively awful."
"I felt a lot of obligation and kind of went along on autopilot. There was a lot of negotiation around anything sexual, like, 'I treat you so well, don't you want to?' from him and 'I know you want to treat me like a lady so you'll be okay to take it slow,' from me."
"One of the hardest parts was that he clearly wasn't out to hurt me or to f**k me. The sexual acts between us (we never slept together, but did other things that seemed like a huge deal to teenage me) were only a demonstration, proof that I loved him and that was what he wanted."
"But I didn't, and I really thought that meant there was something wrong with me."
"In the end, I only lasted about a month. He decorated my locker, brought flowers, and left notes for me taped to my desk in each of my classes to 'celebrate' our f**king one-month anniversary. I was mortified."
"My math teacher caught a good look at my face (before I managed to plaster a smile back on) as I opened the note he had left in her class. She asked me to stay back after for what turned out to be one of the most important talks in my life (Mrs. Brown, just the best)."
"I felt panicked, telling her over and over how happy and lucky I was. She kept asking questions until I burst into tears, and it all just came out. I don't really remember what all she said, but I remember her saying, 'It's okay to be alone.' She said it over and over, like Robin Williams going, 'It's not your fault' in 'Good Will Hunting.'"
"And soon enough, I was. I broke up with him, kindly but firmly, and about five different times before he accepted it."
"He cried. He got angry. Absurdly, insanely, his mom called my mom, who dropped the hammer on her in a way I haven't seen before or since."
"I took a ton of s**t at school for 'breaking his heart' and 'ruining his life,' but I felt so free that I didn't really mind. I dated around but didn't have a 'boyfriend' again until I was 21. It was, truly, okay (and important, and necessary) to be alone."
- KiKiCanuck
"I didn't, but my friend did."
"See, This Guy and I had a Mutual Friend. This Guy saw himself as a white knight and would use that term to describe himself. He had a code of honor, and he was always somebody who'd walk the girl home, lend out his jacket, that sort of thing."
"Well, Mutual Friend was asked out by This Guy, and he threw a fit when she turned him down. So, she gave him a chance. At first, she was happy. He pulled out chairs, lent her his jacket, brought her gifts, that kind of thing. But... it became apparent that he was incredibly possessive and things were always on his terms. So, they broke up."
"About six months after This Guy was dumped, he decided he liked me. Telling him I wasn't interested didn't work the first or second time, so the third time I decided to just come out and tell him I was asexual."
"I hadn't done so before because I wasn't sure how he'd take it. He decided that I was lucky he was such a nice guy, because if he wasn't then he'd have taken that as a challenge."
"I haven't hung out with This Guy since then. Just, no."
- Akagigan
"I dated a guy in high school. The relationship was okay, but it was long distance, so we amicably ended it. He was the one that brought it up and I agreed."
"Fast forward 6 months and he randomly messages me. Everything is friendly until I mention that I have a new boyfriend. The conversation did a quick 180 from 'Hi, how are you' to 'You'll never find someone like me' and how could I start dating again so soon."
"I blocked his a** real fast. And he was right, I never did find another guy like him, because I married the new boyfriend and we're still together 18 years later."
- jadeursa
"I've had this situation too. I dated a guy for a few months. From the beginning though, he was just embarrassing."
"We had mutual friends, and he would spend full outings, parties, and weekend trips voicing his disbelief that I would date him. Telling people how lucky he was in a self-deprecating way that was gross, that he has 'won the lotto' and I was 'out of his league,' no matter how many times I asked him to quit it as he did it every single time we were in public."
"It got so bad that his best friend actually snapped and told him in the middle of a self-deprecating rant how embarrassing it was and to look at how uncomfortable he was making me. That started a huge argument about 'but she's a queen, I'm just treating her like one!' When I had the audacity to agree with his best friend, it became a full cry meltdown. In front of everyone. To the point where people left a paid weekend trip early because he made everyone so f**king uncomfortable."
"I broke up with him that weekend, the break up lasted for hours with me begging him to get the f**k out of my house while he cried and cried and cried about how he treats me so well, how could I do this to him. Then it turned to rage."
"I had to block him on everything when I started dating someone months later, a lot of friends blocked him as well when they found out he was stalking me (parking outside my home for hours, etc)."
"I was naive. And dumb. Looking back, I wish I had been aware enough to recognize emotional manipulation. If you're dating someone and they act like you're doing them a favor, don't date that person."
- BrownSugarBear
Gave A Nice Guy A Shot
"A girlfriend told me that when she was still new to dating, she gave a nice guy a shot. They were in different states and after weeks of 'owing him' a sexy picture or video, she agreed to FaceTime him with a wink-wink agreement that things might get steamy."
"The day comes, and this 300-pound, unwashed dude called her (190 pounds, 5'6) 'nice, but bigger than he liked' and suggested she start working out."
"He then pushed for an in-person visit near him so that he could show her the wonders of carnal things."
"She ghosted him shortly after that."
- milkeymikey
Approval Seeker
"He stopped any form of compliments or encouragement and I found myself desperately trying to seek his approval (my own issues, definitely, can't blame him for having them)."
"But he seemed to take pleasure in withholding affection from me and using insults, put-downs, and backhanded compliments to keep me in a cycle of walking on eggshells."
- GilbertTheCrunch
Anything But Nice
"I had a guy who would constantly ask me out or make really awkward advances for like a year-plus."
"I finally hit a pretty low point after coming out of a relationship and agreed to go out on a date. He seemed actually kind of nice and we ended up dating and lived together for a bit."
"It all turned sour though, when he realized that all his 'cute punk girl' bulls**t he had projected on to me wasn't who I am and I wasn't changing to what he wanted me to be, and then all of a sudden he was out with friends constantly and coming home drunk."
"The morning he came home, around 6 AM, telling me he kissed another woman, finally woke me up and I left him."
"He would still send me messages for months after we broke up, not acknowledging my replies saying I have a boyfriend and it's inappropriate to say these things, etc."
"Even now if I unblock him from social media, I'll get a message within a few days saying things like: 'Hey, still beautiful, I see,' or 'Hey cutie/sweetie,' etc., and he gets blocked again, ugh."
- ArcaneTrickstr
"My sister did... She is a hairstylist and one of her clients was very aggressive about asking her out. He repeatedly bought flowers, concert tickets, and other gifts which he brought to her at work, and she said no each time because he seemed a little off."
"He got in a car accident and was really badly injured, and she felt sorry for him, so she went out with him finally. They dated a few months before breaking up, I don't know the exact reason why. But after that, he started stalking her."
"It's been over five years since then and he is still keeping tabs on her. She's reported him to the police multiple times, has a restraining order, and has blocked him on FB/everywhere else, but every few months he finds a way to contact her."
"So if you get weird vibes from someone, don't give them a chance, or you might end up with a lifelong stalker like my sister."
- Isaac_The_Khajiit
"I had a guy message me on Facebook. We went to high school together but I don't recall ever speaking to him."
"Off the bat, he was weird, saying how much he enjoyed talking to me (3 convos in and I was pretty short with him), he was happy he found me, etc."
"I was short but cordial with him. One night I said I was going to clean the kitchen and head to bed. He said if he saw me on, he'd say hi."
"That bugged me. I told him messenger wasn't always accurate on whether you are on or not. He acted like he didn't know what I meant."
"I woke up the next morning to a work FB message (I manage the page). I opened it to respond and he literally immediately messaged me."
"I don't care what people say about ghosting, I ghosted him, no regrets. I have not blocked or unfriended him completely but he can't see my new posts or see when I'm online anymore."
- Crosswired2
Once Was Enough
"Yes, I did once, and I wish I didn't. He wasn't a nice guy after all. He treated me like I was the ugly one, I never felt more s**tty in my whole life than when I was with him. I should have known."
- ynextdoorneighbor
"The tantrums continued throughout the relationship. He was very controlling. If I was out with friends, he would be upset that I was having fun without him."
"He ended up cheating on me and dumping me only to beg me back. He semi-stalked me for a couple of years. He also had an online blog about what I did each day and tried to befriend my exes."
- Lrad5007
But Maybe There's Still Hope
"I was the ‘nice guy’ who got turned down for a second date. I said the same bulls**t that any ‘nice guy’ says when that happens, like all women are the same, say they want nice guys, only date a**holes, etc."
"She said ‘Well, fine, let’s have that second date but doesn’t it make you feel weird to have to convince someone to date you? Don’t you want someone who wants to be with you?’"
"Me: ..."
"Her comment changed absolutely everything about dating for me."
"I took about two years from dating to start working on myself after that. I started doing things that I enjoyed and took up a few hobbies. I cultivated friendships with women not as a sneaky way to try to date them but as real, meaningful relationships."
"Shortly after that, I met my future wife. We’ve been married for 17 years and have a 12-year-old daughter."
- WackyNephews
It's unsettling how many women have found themselves in situations that are rooted in entitlement.
Hopefully more "nice guys" will learn from the last Redditor and look for a relationship founded in genuine feelings instead of desperation.
Men, we gotta do better. Check out these harrowing tales from women who were guilted into going out with a friend. It turned ugly - fast. We're not entitled to anything, and rejection is a part of life, so guys - do better.
Ioei1031 asked, [Serious] Girls who have been guilted into going out with a "nice guy", how did it go?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Oh wow yikes okay.
GiphyWe were friends in high school and most of college. It was one of those things where he was a friend of a friend, but we always went to the same parties, hung together in the same group and so on.
The guys in the group would always say things like, "Ah man you and Kyle would be so great together! You should give him a shot!" I'd kind of laugh it off because for a majority of the time I had a boyfriend.
Eventually me and the boyfriend broke up, and about a week later Kyle asked me out. I wasn't really ready, but I figured it was a first date and everyone had been pressuring me into giving this guy a chance so I went.
The whole evening was awkward. We just ordered a pizza and watched movies, which was what we did in our friend group anyways, but this guy would NOT STOP STARING. I felt like I couldn't even eat because I was under a microscope. The evening ended uneventfully, but then there was the aftermath.
We kept texting and seeing each other in the friend group, and about a week later he asked when we can have another date. I told him that maybe I had rushed into things too fast and I just wasn't feeling any connection with him.
"I BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR YOU!"
Yup, dude found out I was single, dumped his girlfriend of 8 months just so he could ask me out to an awkward pizza date in his bedroom...
The timely cherry on top is that they got back together, and apparently I'm tearing their marriage apart because she found a bunch of texts from me from six years ago and he admitted that he kept them cause he still likes me. I haven't seen him in four years.
Edit for timeline: We were friends in high school (10 years ago) and college (5-6 years ago). While we are in college, he asks me out after dumping his girlfriend. Sometime after that they get back together and are married last year. Last week, a friend informs me that they are on the verge of divorce because she found texts he had saved (screenshots) from our college chats 5 or 6 years ago.
Edit: Several people are commenting that I shouldn't have gone out with him and just told him I wanted to stay friends... the thread is literally "girls guilted into going out with 'nice guy'"
This isn't a very sisterly thing to do.
Moved to another state with my sister and she made a few guy friends. One of them saw her with me and begged her to set up a date with me. I reluctantly agreed because she kept saying how sweet and nice he was. First date he kept gushing about how gorgeous I was and the fact that I was smart made it 100x better. He was going to make me his queen and take me around the world but I have to pay for my own meal and his since he paid this time.
I told him I was only interested in being friends and he begged my sister to get me to go out on another date. I declined and we moved back home and he came to visit my sister. While he was here he kept looking at me and telling my sister to just hook him up with me. It was my birthday and I kind of just rolled my eyes and was like come on I'll take you out too with my group of friends.
At the bar, he was really into me and I was getting annoyed because he wouldn't let me relax and have fun. I told him I really only saw him as a friend and in front of everyone he yelled at me saying what a horrible person I am for leading him on, nothing but a whore etc. I ended up crying because it was so embarrassing. My guy friends wanted to go "talk" to him after they heard what happened. My sister ran up to me and told me to go make him happy again he came down to see me and this is how I was treating him. I just went home and the next morning my sister told me how sorry that guy was and he wanted me to come say bye to him at the airport. Needless to say I didn't.
Like2LOLLike2LOL
Trust your instincts.
GiphyThrowaway account for this as don't want my story tracing back to me. I met him through online dating and after a couple of weeks of chatting online decided to cool things off as he was giving off a creepy, needy vibe that frightened me. He would ask about ex boyfriends frequently and tell me that he would be good for me, ask sexual questions without any encouragement and want to know intimate details. I forgot all about him until he sent me a random message months later and apologized for his previous behavior which he blamed on a tricky break up.
Time passed and he seemed a new person so I gave in and met with him. Our first couple of dates seemed fine with just a few odd comments that I should have paid attention to. Then he started questioning where I was and who I was with, but again I just foolishly ignored this. The first time (and last time) I stayed at his we went out for a drink beforehand and he was judging me for having a couple of beers. When we got back to his I wasn't feeling up to anything sexual so told him firmly no and went to sleep. Later that night I woke up to him on top of me.
I never confronted him about this. I just pretended i hadn't woke up and made my excuses the next day before blocking him from by life. I've never told anyone this before. I just wish I'd listened to my previous instinct and kept well away.
Obsess much?
Wasn't really a date. I was at a hiking trip with my sister and other people from our village when we met a group of guys, drinking and having fun. Was on (German) Father's Day, so it wasn't an unusual sight. For some reason my sister got into a talk with the guys and somehow got me and her invited for the party at one of the guys house later. No big deal, we brought her boyfriend with us and were expecting some good time. My boyfriend was on a biking trip with his dad, so he couldn't come.
We arrive and nobody else is there, guy says they will all arrive later and we are early (30 minutes after the time he told us to be there) and we start drinking, having fun and everything. He clearly has a thing for me, invites me to go on festivals with him, sisters boyfriend tells me I would be stupid if I say no and he would totally be going. The others arrive and at some point the homeowner asks me to go out for a walk, he needs some air.
We walk a bit and suddenly he turns around, telling me I am the love of his life, the girl meant for him, most beautiful, smart etc. he has ever seen. I was shocked and didn't know what to say except "I have a boyfriend, you know..", he said he doesn't care, we're clearly soulmates and then just kisses me out of nowhere. Tells me he would break up with his girlfriend for me (he never mentioned her before) and I should do the same.
Luckily, my sister blacked out on the toilet and someone shouted at him for help unlocking the door, so we went back up. I took care of my sister, his girlfriend arrived, he pulled me aside and told me he would do it now, right here. I said "no" and he told me to take my sister and leave, what I did then. He messaged me on facebook the next day that I was a whore and I lead him on and he almost broke up with his future wife for a b*tch like me.
Tl;dr: Met a guy, got invited to his house, he wanted me to break up with my boyfriend, he wanted to break up with his girlfriend, kissed me, called me soulmate and then a whore when I said no. All within 24 hours.
Edit: Since a lot of you asked "why would you let a stranger kiss you" or if I told my then-boyfriend about it... we did not make out and did not kiss him back. He smooched my lips after he approached me in the middle of a sentence at high-speed and let go of me seconds later before I could even process what had happened.
I CAN take care of myself and would have given him a good kicking, but I honestly was worried about my sister, even though I used the word "luckily". At least I could make you laugh about that.
Well, this is scary.
All my friends said a guy from our group of friends was very nice, even though I felt like he was creepy. Went out once, thought I'd give it a chance, to be nice. Regretted it immediately.
He asked me what I thought of being in a relationship with him, and when I said no/I didn't want that (because I wasn't very interested and we had only been friends before this), he said he was disappointed with my answer and expected something more worthy of him. He said that saying no was disrespectful. Big yikes.
We met once after that because he surprise visited me a few months later. He asked me to ruffle through my hair because he wanted to feel my scalp, treated me like a dog and wanted me to sit next to him so he'd be closer to me. He also thought it was a great idea to mention that he sometimes hears voices in his head and has dreamt of killing people.
I rushed him out of my apartment onto the street. I just wanted him to be gone. I checked my keys five times to see whether he took any. I've had to see him a couple times since then, and he is the most creepy, socially inept person I've ever met. He's so aggressive and impulsive.
edit: this blew up. Yes, he still is in my circle of friends. For some reason my guy friends laughed it off and don't see him as much of a threat to anyone, let alone me. I avoid him as much as I can, and never see him in groups of less than five people.
There's a word for this - misogyny.
GiphyHe was genuinely nice and I thought I was being too picky and maybe I could see this through, if I took the effort of getting to know him. But every time I offered a contradictory point of view on any generic topic of discussion, he would proceed to casually mock my appearance, attire and my personality, in retaliation to my disagreement. That was the last date, obviously.
Edit: He might not have been "genuinely nice."
Hence the quotes around "nice."
I was a college freshman. First week of school, I was in my dorm hangout area going through the calendar on my phone to add exams to my schedule. I didn't realize that "Nice Guy" was looking over my shoulder as I was doing so.
He goes, "I see you don't have plans on Saturday, we're going to breakfast." - I continually objected and said I just hadn't gotten around to adding anything to it yet. He wouldn't leave me alone about it all week, so eventually I agreed to go on Saturday. I was purposely on my worst behavior in an attempt to repulse him because clearly, my opinion didn't matter otherwise. He ended the date by calling his mom, telling her that he met his future bride, that we were going to give her grandchildren.
He handed the phone to me, so I straight up told his mother that I had no interest and was only there because he wouldn't leave me be and apparently acting like a barnyard animal wasn't enough of a turnoff. Mom laughed and said "sounds like my boy!"
He would sit on the couch outside my dorm door to bombard me whenever I tried to go anywhere, followed me to and from classes for two months, and tried to befriend my roommate to get closer to me before moving on to a new target. She ended up with a restraining order against him.
Edit for clarification: This was not my first interaction with this guy. He lived in my (small) dorm building where we did multiple getting to know you exercises that week. He helped a ton of people move in and was a self proclaimed "nice guy" like the title had in quotes. Most people's first impression of him was that he was nice enough, but a little off. I clearly completely agree that dude was creepy af, I just posted in a hurry and left out some background. Edit edit: since "nice guy" was in quotes in the OP, I thought it was clear that we weren't dealing wit actual nice guys, hence why I thought my story was relevant. If it were asking a story about going on a date with an actual nice person, I don't think it would be an interesting AskReddit question?
I'll take male entitlement for $100, Alex.
The date wasn't too bad, although he kept changing pretty much every single sentence he said so it would fit my interest. Something like "I like ice cream" "Cool, I like frozen yoghurt" "oh yeah, that's what I meant. Ice cream is nice but frozen yoghurt is amazing" and so on for 4 hours straight. At the end I had no idea what he was actually like.
He also kissed me in the most awkward way possible. I guess he thought it was going to be romantic and spontaneous but it wasn't. Then kissed me again when he walked me to the train station. He hugged me so hard I couldn't breath and started making weird noises (kind of like what some people do during heavy, pre sex make out sessions, except it was a rather quick kiss in a public place). Started texting me before I even got home and when I didn't answer, got upset. Told him he was nice but I don't think we'd work out. Said its cool, asked if we can stay friends. Silly me, I said yes.
We kept talking for about a month, during which he very "friendly" kept checking if I had slept with someone else and making sure I know how much of a sex god he is ("you know, I once even made my lesbian friend cum super hard"). This is also the time I met my current BF and was meeting a bunch of new people at uni, so we'd talk less and less each week. Then one day he asked me out. I said I wasn't sure if he was completely fine with us being just friends so that wouldn't be appropriate. He went on this massive rant about how he'd actually been seeing someone else in that time, but they broke up shortly before that, how he's so over me and didn't even think I'm that hot anymore and how nothing would happen. I said no, because I was broke and couldn't fully enjoy myself while worrying about not spending too much (we were supposed to go to a Metallica concert, apparently his best friend had spent £120 on his ticket but then last minute found something better to do...) but he promised he'd take care of everything and we could chill at his place with pizza and some films, as friends.
I said I could consider the concert but there's no way I'd stay over. I mentioned texting someone else to see if they would be fine with me sleeping over at theirs afterwards. He jokingly asked if it's someone I'm sleeping with and I said it's none of his business. Then he told me how much of a bitch I was for sleeping with other people and not sleeping with him, said it's so unfair that he knew me so much better but he felt like other people had more rights to me than him and that we kissed and he didn't expect me to be this slutty (btw, I did not want to kiss him, it was just so random I felt him making out with me before I even realized what his intentions were and stopped it rather quickly). The he called me a few more names, said he's such a nice guy and didn't deserve to be treated like that and we never spoke again. Fun times
Nice? No. Weird? Very.
GiphyI dated the 'nice guy' everyone was convinced is a catch, for a few weeks. I can't fit an adequate description of the experience in one post. If I had to pick a few salient moments, they might be:
• He compared me to his ex-girlfriend frequently. "She smelled amazing. Like lavender. You don't smell like lavender." "She got into Oxford. You could never get into Oxford."
• He was a PhD student, and I was an undergrad at the time. "Undergrads are so mentally disabled. ...Not you though, you're special."
• When he wanted to have sex, then insisted I have the morning after pill the next day. I agreed on the condition he paid for it, because I was broke. We walked to the pharmacy, and he slows down and lingers outside. He sort of...circles the block. I am confused. Then I realize he doesn't want to enter the pharmacy with a girl, requesting the morning after pill. I state he can just give me cash, and I'll do it. He decides to enter the pharmacy. The pharmacist asks if we need help, and he quickly replies, "We're just browsing." It takes him a good fifteen minutes to get around to it. The pharmacist is very professional the entire time. When we reach the counter, he looks at me expectantly. I realize he now wants me to pay. I physically don't have the cash, so I just shrug and leave. He finally pulls out a bunch of credit cards.
• He sold me a broken second-hand laptop. Months after we broke up, I realized he hadn't logged out of Facebook. Being a terrible person, I read the messages he exchanged with his best friend. Many of the girls in his laboratory oscillated between "sluts" or "frigid c*nts", his supervisor was a "downy." and he'd written many remarks about his other colleagues and housemates. I also found out he'd been visiting my profile regularly, and commenting on all my activities and new boyfriend (we've been together six years now!). I promptly deleted him and made my account private.
I don't understand my gender.
After a few years of tepid friendship (something was always a bit 'off' about him, but I thought he was such a nice guy and I was just being a judgy bitch, plus he always claimed to be so in love with me), I agreed to a few dates with my friend. On one date, we went out with a whole group of couples to this state park a few hours away, and during the ride home, I dozed off. I woke up to him groping me under my clothes, and when I told him off, he twisted it around like I was being ridiculous and imagined his hand under my bra. Like, we're on a date, why was I being so weird, etc etc etc.
When I told him I had to cancel out 4th date because I'd gotten grounded after accidentally setting the kitchen on fire, he punched me. Mostly in the face. Punched me.
He spent the rest of high school periodically stalking me/my sisters, ranting and raving to literally everyone about how I just didn't understand and he loooooooves me, he's just so emotional with his true love for me that sometimes he acts without thinking, he's not like those other guys that would make sexual comments about my appearance, why did I have to be such a Stacey, he's the best friend I ever had until I ruined it all by willfully "misunderstanding" and refusing to hear him out or give him closure, on and on.
What a nice guy. Guess he tried to break into my bedroom window out of love and concern, huh?
Girls Reveal What Happened When They Went Out With The "Nice Guy"
Men, we gotta do better. Check out these harrowing tales from women who were guilted into going out with a friend. It turned ugly - fast. We're not entitled to anything, and rejection is a part of life, so guys - do better.
Ioei1031 asked, [Serious] Girls who have been guilted into going out with a "nice guy", how did it go?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.