UGH! Don't some people just drive you wild?! When you reach your boiling point with them you really wanna tell them how you feel but crap, you're at work, at school, or out in public. What you need is something that puts them in their place but also doesn't get you fired. Hmm.
People on Reddit were asked: "What is your best insult without cussing?" These are, by far, some of the best insults we've ever heard. Use wisely!
You're not the person Mr. Rogers thought you could be.
Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you'll find a brain back there.
"Do you get invited to many parties?" Is a subtle way of calling someone the worst back in Northern Ireland.
Go polish your crocs.
You're as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
You're not pretty enough to be this stupid.
2090 called. You're dead and you wasted your time on earth.
Nothing witty about this, but if someone is going off on you, nothing will infuriate them more than to look at them with a little impatience in your eyes and say "Are you done?"
I bet you like your steak well done.
You do realize that people just tolerate you?
If you're about to insult a woman, tell her to go fix her eyebrows. It will HAUNT her.
You're more useless than Anne Frank's drum kit.
I've been called worse things by better people.
Heard in a meeting once: I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
Well I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
Don't say anything. Just scrunch up your nose like they smell bad whenever they walk by. Sticks and stones can break my bones but crippling insecurities can leave phycological scars.
I'm not saying I hate you, but I'd unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Ah, so you're the reason we have warning labels on everything.
You should try eating some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside.
This is why people talk about you when you're not around.
Everyone who's ever loved you was wrong.
"Has anybody ever told you that you are incredibly average?"
Overheard this at a party a few weeks ago. It was cold blooded.
"Your family tree must be a circle."
I can't imagine what qualities you may have that would compensate for your behavior in public.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
Counter insult to being insulted:
"It must be difficult for you, exhausting your entire vocabulary in one sentence."
Whenever someone throws a tantrum, I love to tell them:
"That is not an age appropriate response."
"Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."
"Wow, you've really lived up to your potential."
You have a great face for radio.
Somewhere out there a tree is working very hard to replace the oxygen you consume. Now go apologize to it.
You couldn't pour the water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
You weren't worth the sex that made you.
"I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are."
Should be said in an impassive/neutral tone, so they don't quite realize what you've actually said to them until a few moments later.
I don't care what people say about you. You're alright.
Some of this material has been edited for clarity.