A police officer's life is never boring, that's for sure! Imgur user CaptRawesome shared this story of his hilarious adventure recently, and we think it's awesome. Check out his account for more stories if you'd like.
About 2330 hours one evening my partner and I were dispatched to an apartment complex for a disturbance. When we arrived and knocked on the door to the apartment from which the disturbance was coming, we were met with sudden and immediate silence. "That's odd." we thought.
Eventually someone answered the door and we were invited inside. We spoke with the two occupants, Guy and Lady. It was Guy's apartment, and Lady was - well - visiting. (That's actually what started the disturbance, Lady's husband was standing in the parking lot shouting and yelling like a lunatic. Apparently he was lodging a general protest to Lady having gone to "visit" Guy.)
While inside, I noticed several things that I couldn't ignore. Bottles and bottles of prescription pills, bongs, pipes, prep trays, baggies of marijuana, rolling papers. Everywhere, just laying everywhere. The prescription bottles didn't belong to Guy or Lady, and neither could give a good example of where they came from.
My partner on the call got his K9 from the car and returned to the apartment for a sniff search. He located several more items tucked under furniture, inside cabinets, etc. Then the dog got a scent, turned 90 and bolted into one of the two bedrooms. But not into the bedroom with the beds and clothes in it, no - the dog shot into the empty bedroom.
Continue to the next page for the rest of the story.
In an otherwise completely empty 12' x 12' room stood two large boxes against the back wall in opposite corners. In a previous life they held 55" CRT tvs. (For you young kids, TVs weren't always flat, they used to be more square-ish, and much heavier).
Inside one of these boxes, filled to the brim in a $5-Walmart-discount-bin kinda fashion, were DVDs. All Porn. Every last one. Porn. Not VHS tapes, but DVDs. Clearly this was the discard pile because-
The other box was also full to the top with an unbelievable amount of porn. This was clearly the draw-from pile because this box contained only new unwrapped DVDs that were neatly stacked row upon row upon row upon row upon endless row; inside the box- all the way to the top.
The dog then hit on the closet. I walked over and opened the closet expecting more dope or paraphernalia inside. Boy was I wrong.
Remember this gif? Yeah this happened to me, except it wasn't tupperware and mugs. It was USED SEX TOYS!
Continue to the next page to find out what happens next.
Rubber dongs, vibrators, strap-ons, double-ended dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, anal-Tennis balls (!?!), wigs, women's costumes, masks, MORE DVDS, floggers, and anything else I'd ever seen, or heard of, came tumbling out in an tsunami of sex equipment.
Surfing the wave wanton wank gear was a foam sex doll, knees pulled to chest, open for all to see - but missing her head. Yep her head had been purposely removed. All this came tumbling out of the closet burying me nearly knee deep in silcone, rubber, leather and nylon.
I'm not mad at Guy for having the single most impressive collection of sex toys ever assembled by a single person outside of the San Fernando Valley. Or at least I wouldn't have if he had ever bothered to wash them off after use!
So there I stand, knee deep in rotten, greasy, used sex toy hell. I should have had a lot of questions running through my mind: "How much of an investment does this represent? "Is he part of a swap-n-exchange program?" "What is that smell?"
But only one jumped out: "Where the hell is the doll's head, and WHY is it missing?"
No sooner had I thought it - the severed doll's head tumbled off it's precarious perch on the top shelf of the closet and landed on the pile like a horrendous cherry on top of Satan's sex sundae.
How does this story end? Continue to the next page.
I was beginning to wrap my mind around the sheer volume of silicone and rubber that had nearly knocked me off my feet, and taking solace in the fact that at least I wouldn't have to search it by hand, that's what the K9 is for.
About that time the dog took one whiff of the f*ck fumes rolling off that pile of vaseline, plastic, baby oil and shame; and that sonofagun turned tail and ran right out the apartment!
All I heard as he dashed through the living room was Lady asking "Where's the dog going?" My partner split to go catch his dog, leaving me alone with the doll and her accouterments.
The only thing I found in that entire closet that hadn't been inside someone or had someone inside it, was a Gene Simmons bong. Guy wouldn't make eye contact with me when I went back into the living room, can't say I blame him.
Guy and Lady went to jail that night. I really wanted a shower and a fresh uniform, but I had to book Guy and Lady into intake. So I had to settle for a hand-sanitizer bath.
Let me tell you something - you can't put enough alcohol scrub in your eyes to un-see a heavily used headless sex doll come rushing at you out of a closet in the middle of the night.
Later 'taters.
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