Thank you to Imgur user SteelMakesMeH for sharing his experiences living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Hopefully this can open up a conversation about a much-stigmatized topic, and allow people to understand it a little bit more. Because knowledge is power!
First, to answer some basic questions...
What caused me to develop MPD/DID?
I will answer this question at the end, because it's a bit traumatic so I don't want to start with something so dark. Most MPD/DID is usually caused by a severely traumatic event/s.
What is a "switch"?
A switch is the moment an alternate personality (a.k.a alter) takes over and I loose all track of time.
What causes a switch?
Many things can trigger a switch. Anything from a song or smell, but usually it's caused by large amounts of stress (for me anyways).
Do I know whats going on when I switch?
No. With the exception of one time, it's usually like flicking a light switch of snapping your fingers. One moment I'm living my life then in the blink of an eye it could be 5 hours later.
What is the longest switch that has happened?
17 years. I'm the primary personality but not the original. I have been in control for most of our life. But occasionally the others wrestle control from my hands.
Can others tell when I've switched (or I'm about to)?
Yes. when I'm about to switch I develop an uncontrollable tick in my jaw (sometimes a strong tick that looks like a seizure. It usually happens because I'm fighting back).
How different is each alter?
Apparently each alter talks, walks, writes, eats and has sex differently (yes.. I just said that)
Is it painful to switch alters?
From time to time. It can be violent (for me)
How many "Alters" Do I have?
4 but it used to be 6. I have (with professional help) managed to integrate 2 alters (making me more "whole")
Can I "hear" my alters?
For the longest time... No. But about 3 years ago I began hearing Fynn in my head (you will learn about him soon enough). I thought I had schizophrenia but after some testing we found out I didn't. As for the others.. I don't want to hear them.
Okay, here are some stories...
1. So here's how it all started...
The start of the blank spots. One of the first times I developed a blank spot (switch) I lost 4 hours. Thankfully it happened at home around my (now) ex-wife. She was only my GF at the time though. I was standing in the kitchen making some soup when I was suddenly standing in the backyard with my GF looking at me very strangely. All I could say was "what the hell just happened?". I didn't understand what was going on and my GF wouldn't tell me anything. I didn't find out that my first alter had shown up until one month later when she finally broke down and said I turned into a very intelligent child before her eyes who called himself Fynn (my favorite alter). I spoke with a lisp and knew things about my childhood that I normally couldn't remember. It was then that I began seeking professional help. Many people trained in psychology will agree that those who have MPD/DID are either faking it or too much of a risk to treat (it could ruin their career). So finding help was hard. Very hard.
I just remember those days as being very taxing and frightening. It's not easy having doctors think you are lying.
2. The Day The Doctors Believed...
I will never forget the moment I was finally able to get help. D.I.D was starting to take its toll on me. I had a nervous break down. I was brought to the hospital and they were (Continued)
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told about my issue. Of course they scoffed like I said, it's common for psychologists to believe that DID is a made up thing. But it didn't last long. They had taken me into triage so they could get my vitals. Everything was through the roof. They were worried I was going to have a heart attack or something. It was at that moment that I switched (in front of EVERYBODY). Just like a light switch. My vitals returned to normal and I was sitting calmly while looking at everybody. My GF at the time knew what was up and said "FYNN!! Let him back out NOW! In moments my vitals were back to critical levels. I didn't know any time had passed. But the look of shock on the face of everybody in the room said enough. Needless to say... I began receiving the help I needed.
Most of this was told to me by the doctors and my GF. I didn't truly get to witness it.
3. The time Fynn saved my family.
This story happen 7 years ago. I know this because my son is 7 years old. At this point my wife was now my ex and I was happily with somebody who cared about me and understood what living with D.I.D meant. We were about to have a baby and I was also going back to school to get my G.E.D. I was running on very little sleep. When my son was born I had everything set. I had just moved back to my home state and was staying with my aunt. Crib.. check, diapers.. check, nursery.. check, All the things.. CHECK!! Son enters the world.. check. Then things went bad.
I came back to the hospital after school, exhausted and barely able to hold my head up. I entered the room and my GF was crying in her bed and my son was nowhere to be seen. I panicked. It was then that a child services worker came in to give me bad news. Apparently my GF's ex-husband (a monstrous piece of crap who is currently in jail for some very bad things) had managed to (Continued)
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use his connections to add red flags to my GF's file. They were going to take my son away from me.
I fought it.
Fought it hard right then and there. In the end they gave me 10 hours to produce a child friendly environment at some place other than my aunt's house. My only option was my hoarder grandmother. I got to the house only to find that the room I could use was piled to the ceiling with crap. I broke down. Then the singularly most wonderful thing about having MPD/DID happened to me... I switched.. Fynn (that wonderful guy) stepped up and took over. In 8 hours he managed to clean the entire room. He not only cleaned it.. He frigging set it up. It was perfect. And for me it all happened in the blink of an eye. It was like magic. To this day my (now) fianc still worships the ground he walks on (and so do I).
This is why I will always be happy to hear Fynn.
4. April Fools... D.I.D Style
This is less of a story and more of a statement...
You think getting pranked on April 1st sucks? Try having multiple people in your head taking turns setting up traps for you. Most of them were harmless but I really didn't care for finding thumb tacks in my bed.
5. The Ultimate Goal
Anybody who truly suffers from MPD/DID has one goal in mind... Integration. We want to turn all the people in ours heads back into ONE person! I have managed to integrate 2 so far. On one occasion when integration occurred, my crippling fear of spiders disappeared. Really went away. At one point I would scream and run if a spider came within 5 feet of me. Now I play with them.
Its just one of those things that makes me stop and think "wow" the human brain can do some cool/weird stuff.
6. The Day Fynn Made Me Watch
Don't get ahead of yourself. Let me tell the story before you judge the title. Now from time to time I've (Continued)
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Now from time to time I've learned that my alters all seem to hold a fragment of the original person. I'm calm, casual and creative (I'm a blacksmith and prop maker). Fynn hold the memories (childhood and stuff like that) plus he is the only one that can speak to the others. Then we have Arsehole. He holds on to obscene amounts of anger and resentment. So fast forward to 10 months ago. Stress was beginning to build again but not in a serious way. Just enough to annoy Fynn. I hadn't been eating much (which is Fynn's biggest peeve) so it was time for me to learn about another trick Fynn was hiding up his sleeve.. he could make me.. watch. Talk about messed up.. imagine only being able to look through the eyes of another person without having control over what they do or say. It could have been worse than it was. Instead of something horrible happening, Fynn forced me to watch as he ordered FIVE 20 piece nuggets McDonalds and ate 4 of the boxes. I threw up soooo bad and had the poops for a week.
Fynn.. I love you.. but eff you for that one!
7. Sometimes I read letters written to me by an alter
Because people have asked.. Yes.. I occasionally find letter from Fynn, but it's usually when I'm down and he's trying to make me smile. My favorite one was when Fynn wanted to let me know that he fed the baby and changed his diaper so I could rest (yeah.. that's a bit weird)
8. Not all alters are nice
Let me tell you about the First Appearance of The Arsehole
Not all alters are nice. But this was the first time the original had made an appearance since this all started so it was rather tame. I was talking to my fianc when I noticed she was getting more and more upset but I wasn't doing anything. It all ended in a massive blow up. Later on when we were ready to talk again I started hearing about things I said that I didn't remember saying. It wasn't until Fynn's next appearance that we found out Arsehole was switching in for small moments and adding his own comments to our conversation. Fynn was upset as well.
8. This is the story of how my MPD/DID started...
WARNING!! Things are about to get bad people. This is your chance to stop reading because things are about to get graphic (stories not pics). Starting with how I got MPD/DID....
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How I got MPD/DID... Mine was worked on most of my childhood. But the fracturing event (the event that literally "splits" my personalities) came in my late teens. I had made some bad choices and gotten into some hardcore drugs. Over time I ended up owing money to a fairly large drug dealer (something you don't want to do). I was grabbed off the street and held captive in a motel while they reenacted the chainsaw scene from the movie Blow. Yes.. a person who owed a lot more money than I, was taught a permanent lesson. Watching somebody get dismembered has a way of destroying a person mentally. I was then dropped on the side of the highway a couple states away from home with nothing but a pair of pants. This is my first memory. Not knowing my name wandering around the streets. I had a cellphone but didn't know how to use it. The original had checked out (for good it had seemed). It was now my job to live this life.
I started getting comfortable with switching (for the most part) but then the Arsehole decided to come back out after a very long hiatus. But he was different. Bitter, anger, vengeful, potentially violent. I didn't/don't trust him. He stayed out for 3 days. 3 days of nightmare for my fianc. All he wanted to do was get high or hurt me. He resented that it wasn't his life anymore and he had a response. But I didn't find out until I regained control. It was then I felt pain in bad places.
Apparently he had decided that if he couldn't live "his" life then he was going to make mine as miserable as possible. He started with a razor blade and began carving EVERYTHING. I had officially stepped out of the world of strange and into the world of terror. I had somebody in my head that I couldn't get rid of that was dead set on inflicting as much pain on our body as possible. Thankfully there was no lasting damage with my bits but my torso will be forever covered in scars.
Arsehole truly hated me. The carving sessions started becoming a regular event. I had to do something about it. In come the doctors and the meds. But nothing helped. Oddly enough, he didn't start to calm down until I started making a collection of first person shooters for him. It seams to be his muse. He's never truly happy but there are few things that can be done. I need to work on integrating him but the idea scares the heck out of me.
At the worst.. doctors have counted over 800 slice marks over my body (not scars). It's painful and scary and it forces a level of paranoia in me. I now have to ask myself after a switch, "What have i done?" "Have I hurt anybody?" "Am I hurt?". These are questions nobody should have to ask. but it was a fact of my life at that point. That was a year ago. With help I have had only 1 day of switching in that time (yesterday). Which leads me to one of the scariest things that can happen to me.
9. Occasionally I will switch and be truly lost
Sometimes I can't find myself anywhere. Waking up in the middle of a forest (clothed) covered in mud when you were just taking a bath is traumatizing in itself. But it's these things you learn to live with. As for this problem itself. I have started trying to create a GPS system in my shoes so I will never be lost again.
Also, for the record, these are my personal experiences. I don't know how they compare to other MPD/DID cases. I'm only going by what I've witnessed and been told by those who were around when I switched.
Now for some follow up questions...
What does integration feel like?
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Nothing. It feels like nothing at all. Just one day you are... different.
How old is Fynn? Does he age?
He started out telling everybody he was 7 but a few years ago somebody told him it was his birthday.. he has been 9 ever since. Yeah, it's weird. (I heard my family talking about this earlier today)
You said there were 4 alters. What about the 4th?
We don't know a lot about him. He's only come out once, looked around and found himself disgusted with humanity in general. He didn't stay out long and hasn't been back since.
I've read articles saying MPD is fake. Why should I believe you?
I don't care if you believe me. But if it's because of my use of the term MPD, I use it because not a lot of people know what D.I.D is. D.I.D is indeed REAL.
What do you think of shows like Split or United States of Tara?
I've never seen em. I don't watch many movies and I never watch movies involving D.I.D expect fight club (because I didn't know that is what is was about) due to the chances it could cause a switch.
If you aren't the original, are you an alter?
Yes. But I have been out so long that most people in my life know me instead of others.
Is "Arsehole" The Original?
I thought so but that has been brought into question.
How do relationships work? Do different alters have different partners?
In a way, yes. I'm still trying to figure out how to answer this one in a way that's easily understood.
Does Arsehole have a name?
Yes. But I don't use it. I will only call him an arsehole.
Have you ever played games with any alters? Like chess with Fynn or something?
Yes actually. I love chess but Fynn is better. The day will come when i beat him :)
So the original was into drugs, are you drug free? If so, did you feel withdrawal symptoms or know that's what they were?
He was into cocaine. I don't remember if I got sick or not. It was a long time ago. Though I can tell if an alter has taken anything.
Do you know who your parents are?
Yes. My mother is a wonderful person. My father is not so wonderful.
You mentioned you had 6 alters before you integrated the other two. What were the other 2 like?
One was a female child named Purrecka who hated watermelon and loved getting into trouble. The other was just an angry dude. Nobody ever got to ask him his name. He's also the one that liked spiders.
If you think you have D.I.D...
If you find yourself asking the question "Do I have D.I.D?" or "What can I do to find out if i have D.I.D?" You need to do the leg work. You have a task ahead of you. Start with questions. 1st. whats causing this concern?
2nd. Am I blacking out? If yes: am I moving while blacked out? Am I talking to people? Do I act weird? When I wake up am O standing or on the ground? If you find yourself answering yes to these questions seek a doctor. Seriously. Before you can even think about D.I.D you need to eliminate all other possibilities. Blacking out can mean other things. Blacking out then waking up but acting different or talking funny could mean seizure. That's no laughing matter. Seizures can make people do strange things. Make sure you are perfectly healthy. But to do that you need a doctor's help.
3rd. When did it start?
4th. Were others around? Can they tell you about it?
5th. Look into your past. Most real D.I.D cases originate at an early age (like 7 or younger). At that age the level of elasticity is more fragile. Think of it this way.
6th. invest in a small camera for your home or person so you can hopefully catch one of these moments.
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.