I'm sorry... could you repeat that?
1. I was catching up with one of my ex-girlfriends, who I hadn't seen in years. We'd parted on good terms, so it was just friends catching up. She was kind of weird in a monkey-cheese-ninjas-pirates way when I knew her, so this came as something of a shock.
Her: ...blah blah blah, and then I had my kids, but that was after I lost my leg.
Me: You lost a leg?
Her: Yeah, we got in a shootout with (white supremacist group) and I got hit in the leg. I didn't want to go to the hospital because the last doctor I saw was a [person of color] so I put it off and it got really infected and then it had to get cut off...
Me: And who was "we" again?
Her: Oh, (other white supremacist group). You know, I can get you in if you want. The racial cleansing is coming and I'd hate for you to be on the wrong side of the race war. You're smart enough to be an officer, and we need someone good at planning.
So that's how I found out my ex-girlfriend was a one-legged, one-eyed white supremacist that gets in shootouts.
2. Me and a friend were sitting around working on his Mazda when he mentioned that he only had anal sex with his girlfriend because she had a cyst the size of a baseball in her vagina. Total non-sequitur.
I paused a minute and said "your air cleaner is dirty."
3. Did you ever wonder if your mum gave your dad a blowjob just before she kissed you goodnight?
I hate you you uncle tony. I hate you.
4. Got a couple for you!
Was working at a grocery store. I was customer service desk. My boss was there. She was about 25ish, me maybe 20. We're talking about partying. I told her I like drinking bourbon to get real messed up. She tells me that omg she got so wasted off of jack daniels one night. She was at a party and was basically blacking out and she figures she gave just about every guy at the party a blow job.
I didn't know what to do. Did I hear that correctly? Holy crap. This was my boss.
Another time I was talking to my roommate, a British guy. I was explaining the concept behind Toots and The Maytals 54 46 song. He was a real kind English guy and as I'm talking he just sticks his finger into his nose, then that same finger into his mouth, and he sucks the thing dry.
5. I used to work at a restaurant and one day during pre shift we were casually talking and somebody mention choking someone else as a joking threat, like not actually doing it just pretending.
My manager then turns to us and says " I like to be choked." realizing what she said she then (Continued)
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She then stayed in her office for most of the day.
6. Hungover at my college's cafeteria, eating breakfast and making obligatory small talk with a girl from Iowa. Somehow the topic of meth came up (I know, what could go wrong?).
Me: Yeah, it's a pretty rampant problem. I read a book about it that focused on a city in Iowa, actually. People just boost these big tanks of anhydrous ammonia from farmers.
Girl: Oh yeah, my Dad used to be a sheriff in Iowa.
Me: Oh cool.
Girl: Yeah, one time he tried to close the lid to a huge anhydrous ammonia tank that was leaking.
Me: Oh wow
Girl:...but he fell in when he was crossing the ladder.
Me: Oh.....[such an awkward pause]...is he alright?
Girl: [pure matter-of-fact] No, the acid ate him to the bone. He's dead.
Me: Oh.....damn..................... resumes cereal
7. One night I was talking to a friend of mine that I've known for years, and he drops the biggest WTF bomb that I've ever heard. He told me that when he was 16, one morning woke up and did not remember anything. By anything I mean he wasn't even able to recognize his parents or girlfriend. The most shocking thing is that he never recovered the memory, he actually does not remember anything that happened to him before he was 16. I proceeded to talk to him hours asking questions on how it is to wake up one day and having a brand new life. It was a messed up and extremely interesting conversation.
8. Mum: 'I want you to go to the shop for me and get this this this and this. oh by the way, bluey (our dog) is dead. Don't forget the bread'
9. I met this pretty cute girl at the beach couple summers ago. We started talking and playing volleyball. Everything seemed normal up until the part where she started describing her life.
Girl: Yeah... well my boyfriend is in jail right now for stabbing someone... and that reminds me, wanna see my stab scar too?
She shows me her stab scar and starts telling me how she dropped out of school.
Girl: You know, I kinda feel lonely without my boyfriend and... he doesn't need to know about anything ;)
I just left.
10. At a bachelor party talking to one of the strippers she says: "Sure I'll have sex with (continued)
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"Sure I'll have sex with the groom and even the best man. But after three or four guys it gets kind of gross, ya know?".
11. Talking with someone about the weather.
Him: It's so nice out. I think I'll go to the beach today.
Me: Yeah, it's been amazing weather all week, I feel so lucky.
Him: I've been embezzling money from my work for the past three years now. Yeah, I think I'll bring my bathing suit.
12. Had a (girl) friend over, there was about 3 of us sitting around the couch, drinking some beers..
She drops the "So I had a miscarriage on sunday" bomb. "Yeah, I didn't even know I was pregnant. Anyone want another beer?"
13. Not a conversation I was directly involved in, but there's still a high degree of WTF.
I was talking with some friends the other day and one mentioned that while she was at work, her friends there brought up the topic of "deepest, darkest secrets." One immediately volunteered the information that every time she goes to the bathroom, she sniffs her panties. Apparently everyone just gaped awkwardly and the conversation quickly shifted to other topics.
Seriously, if a topic like that ever comes up, don't ever be the first one to share.
14. There was this Chinese girl I was on a date with once who dropped many very depressing things into our conversations. Here's a few of the gems from the date (paraphrased):
"Oh, I don't have any siblings. The government kidnapped my mom and forced her to get an abortion when they found out she was trying to have another child."
"Oh that's a cute memory from your childhood. In my country, they throw little girls into ditches to die."
"Sometimes, people kidnap women from trains and sell them into slavery."
It's something I'm aware of, and something I'm not opposed to talking about. It isn't, however, something you bring up in the first conversation on the first date. I mean, would you bring it up out of no where?
15. On my first day of work at a shoe store, the manager walked me around and introduced me to the other employees that came in that day. There was maybe about 2 others. The last one of the night was an old, short woman named, Joanne. As soon as she sees the manager, she walks up to her and tells us that her husband found (Continued)
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As soon as she sees the manager, she walks up to her and tells us that her husband found her toys and tried to throw them out. My manager says to me, "Joanne collects Barbie Dolls." Joanne looks at her and says, "No, my other toys."
16. Girl met on OKC, on first date.
Her: I only do anal sex now, cause every time I do it the other way, I get a baby in me.
me: Ever try birth control?
Her: No the bible says birth control is a sin.
17. From a person I just met on the train: "Yeahhhh, I just found out my dad is cheating on my mom, at least I think he is, so I'm on my way to the town of the other woman to try and talk to her." Then later in the conversation, "I think I may have a few siblings that I've never met." Nice to meet you too!
18. I was at my friend's house on the last day of winter break, helping him pack his college stuff to go back to school. His mom walked through the doorway and looked at the piles of books, computer stuff, etc. with this expression of "wtf are you doing?" After this long, awkward stare she goes "Oh I guess no one told you: Your dad lost his job and you're not going back to college this semester."
19. I was once having a drunken patio conversation with some buddies and we were discussing stupid/annoying things. It was a random conversation about dumb crap and we were having a laugh until one of my friends busts this out..
friend (verbatim): Don't you guys hate when you're taking a poop and it grazes the back of your balls?
everyone else: moment of silence
other friend: after moment of silence dude... how big are your balls?
20. I came home from high school one day, and my parents told me that they had all of our family pets put down that day. Five dogs and a cat. None of the animals were sick or hurt, in fact one of them was only two years old. We had no problem affording their food, and there was no legal issue. They just purely did not want to take care of five 85 pound bullmastifs anymore (and - it was my job to pick up their poop, not theirs).
I told my folks to go screw themselves and lived in the basement for over a month (it was furnished). My mom left food for me at the top of the stairs. Somewhat unrelated - this is when I taught myself how to code in assembly because I needed a distraction.
A few months later we went to a breeder and bought a west highland white terrier. He was a good dog, but I was always slightly concerned that they would randomly kill him too. My folks soon got divorced, and when they did, they didn't ask me who I wanted to live with and didn't fight for custody of ME - but they fought like the couple on The War of the Roses over that dog. So, at age 17, I actually (continued)
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So, at age 17, I actually moved out of the house (I had a job) into my own apartment in a crappy neighborhood.
To this day I still don't forgive nor understand my parents, even though they passed away a long time ago.
21. "Hey, I'm going to do some laundry. Also I probably gave you herpes. Do you usually wash your jeans separately?"
22. I was studying in the Dominican Republic, and living in a very rural area. I passed my days sitting around talking to whomever.
One day, I'm in a town I frequented, and this guy I hadn't seen before starts talking to me. Within 5 minutes, he tells me this, totally straight faced:
When I was little, I had a goat. And I used to play with the goat. But then I got too old, so I stopped playing with him. One day, I was sitting like this (he had his knees apart), and the goat got mad that I wouldn't play with him. He charged, hit me between the legs, and took out my testicles. Now I have none.
I sat there in shock, hoping that my Spanish was poor enough that I misunderstood. Sadly, an hour later, I hear the same story from his aunt, who is giggling while telling the story, with the poor guy sitting there.
23. I was in the middle of talking to my ex-girlfriend (we ran into one another at the grocery store) when she casually dropped into conversation that she was buying a nursing bra.
"Wait, what?" I said. "Hold up. You're getting a nursing bra?"
She told me she was pregnant, and that it was mine. Something tells me her casual slip of the nursing bra into conversation wasn't so casual after all. I'm still baffled as to why she wouldn't have said it with a little more care, but I'm sure she was under a lot of stress and who knows maybe I would have done the same thing in her shoes. The good news is, I'm going to be a dad! I can't wait the little peanut arrives next month.
24. Conversation between my friend and his parents, when he was little:
[yelling from the other room]
Mom: Stephaaaaan, do you want mashed potatoes or baked potatoes for dinner and are you gay?
Stephan: Mashed and yes!
25. A girl I met for a blind date, which was already a disaster on many levels, causally dropped in this nugget as I was hurriedly bringing her home:
"Yea so this one time a girl told people that my friend got her pregnant and it was a lie. Ruined the kids life. So the next time I saw her I (Continued)
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o the next time I saw her I shived her in the neck."
Me: "Huh" sound of car accelerating faster
26. "My dad left me on the freeway once, for several hours, and now that I'm grown up, he steals my money and blames me for everything that goes wrong."
... Yeah, about third or fourth conversation I had with that guy. Way to drop dramatic family history into a conversation about cinnamon buns, man.
27. I was young and thought Red Lobster was an awesome restaurant. I had a bit of extra money just then (rare), so I asked this girl out. She was young, gorgeous, in her early 20s or late teens.
We're sitting in the waiting area for our table to be ready, when this couple comes in with a toddler in a stroller. She smiles at the little boy, he smiles back at her.
That's when she says, "Aw, he's so cute. He looks just like my two year-old."
I'm rolling with it. Ok, she has a kid she didn't mention (we'd talked several times before, but never dated). That's cool I'm thinking, I can deal with that.
Then she drops the bomb. Turning to me, she says, "By the way, did I mention I have five kids?"
"No, no that didn't come up."
28. In a party, I approach two friends talking, and overheard "That's why I don't drink dog pee anymore". I moonwalked away.
29. I worked at a bank and me and my coworkers, include "Angie" who just started a week before this, were talking about child smokers. We were discussing whether the rate of adult smokers would drop if there was a way to keep kids uninterested until they were 18. We asked Angie what she thought. Then her WTF moment:
Angie: Well I started smoking because my step mom would smoke with me. We would also drink and then she turned me in for drugs and I spent the next four years in rehab until I was 18.
Okay...Quite a bit to drop on your coworkers in the first real conversation you've ever had with them.
30. I open-mouth-kissed a horse once.
31. After illness caused me to miss a college exam, the professor allowed me to take the test a few days later, in a small room with another guy who had missed the same test. Shortly before the professor brought our exams in, the other guy announced to me, "This morning I found a zit on my scrotum."
"I didn't find one on mine," I replied, and wished for ear bleach.
Thumb image source: Roman Samborskyi / shutterstock.com