1. At my nephew's second Birthday I laughed when he fell over. Everyone glared at me.
2. When I round-housed my sister at Walmart.
She kicked me in the crotch after I called shotgun 2x in a row. I went into absolute rage mode, and round-housed her, connecting foot-to-face and sending her spinning, completely off the ground. I have no idea what came over me.
3. My step-brothers lived at my dad's house when I was younger, and my brother (let's call him Hershel), had a basement bedroom. For the most part, he liked it, because he had the whole basement to himself. BUT what he didn't like is that my bed was apparently more comfortable. So, when I was away visiting my mom he would sleep in my bed. I didn't mind, so long as he washed the bedding before I came back. He was a teen boy in the throws of puberty at this point his body odour was enough to kill a small child.
So one day I come to my dad's and I'm all like Tra-la-la into my room and it hits me like a brick wall. The stench in my room is horrendous. Not only did Hershel not wash the sheets, he also had all his dirty laundry in my room, just hanging out all over the floor.
Like, at that point you wouldn't have been able to tell if the floor was carpeted or hardwood because it was thick with smelly clothing. At the top of the mound of clothing was his soccer uniform, which he had played in for a tournament all weekend. I was furious.
I closed the door, so as to not intoxicate the rest of my family and found Marshal playing videogames in his underwear in the basement. "Dude, you have to clean your laundry out of my room it smells and I have to sleep there tonight." Hershel doesn't answer. "HERSHEL! I'M SERIOUS YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR STANKY CRAP FROM MY BEDROOM!" So Hershel nods or grunts or whatever and I'm like, "Okay, that'll do." Then I just go about my merry way.
Around 8 hours later, the sun is starting to set, and we're dipping into night time. I go to ground zero, having completely forgotten about the death trap waiting there. Hershel still hasn't cleaned. So I yell downstairs to him, ask him a bunch of times to please clean his stuff up. Nothing. Hershel may as well have been a damn boulder at that point. There was no getting him to move. He just didn't care. I became enraged, went up to my room, and knew I had to clean it. But could I just clean it and let the whole incident slide? Hell no. (Continued)
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But could I just clean it and let the whole incident slide? Hell no.
So I put all his clothes into a garbage bag, marched out to the backyard, used as much strength as I could muster, and whipped the bag onto the roof. I never told him what happened, and not once did he go into my room to try and clean up the clothing. In fact, he didn't notice until 6am the next day when he needed to get his stuff together for the final day of his soccer tournament.
I got in lots of trouble, but watching him struggle to climb the roof so he wasn't late for his game was way worth it.
4. Anyone ever play the board game diplomacy? It's basically a WWI strategy game that will wreck friendships. I played it once and it ended with a screaming match and everyone silently getting into their cars and going home. Fun game, but never again.
5. My mom's family used to have these silly get-togethers around Christmas-time, trying to bring all corners of the extended family together in my great aunt's tiny house in the middle of nowhere. She'd always make us play silly party games, but I never realized my true ruthlessness until she made about 30 of us play musical chairs. It came down to me and my grandfather's brother, who has chronic back problems on top of a host of other issues.
Right as the music stopped and he was about to sit down in the lone chair, I grabbed it from underneath him and sat in it, all while he fell on the floor and everyone rushed over to help him. I didn't even win anything, either.
Stupid musical chairs.
6. I was playing water polo with a few little kids that I teach swim lessons to (I have played in real leagues before) And I get the ball, do my normal thing, and score. I then look back and see the other team completely drowning.
7. I was the victim.
I was playing paintball outdoors and it was my mom's first time paint balling. I was hoping to be on the other team so I could shoot her (hehe). The whole way there I was being cocky saying how I was going to destroy her and her team.
Skipping all the set up, we finally got put on teams but unfortunately we were on the same one, (sigh I know what 15 year old kid wouldn't want to shoot his mom with a paintball gun). As the ref started going over the rules my mom noticed that he mentioned that friendly fire was allowed.
Well I was in for it. (Continued)
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Seconds into the the round my mom and a stranger teamed up, she got him to persuade me to move up and cover her. I was vary hesitant because I knew what was coming.
Not even a minute into the game I was shot in the butt 7 times by my own mother. She was laughing so hard, she couldn't even stand up straight, this is when I got my revenge.
Needless to say the ref wasn't to impressed and allowed us to play on different teams for the remainder of the day.
8. When I hit a fellow martial artist in the face with a training sword, and as soon as the bleeding stopped, in spent my time analyzing what WOULD have happened if it had been a live blade, instead of figuring out how I would prevent things like this in the future.
Also, in an Airsoft match, I found myself behind an opponent who was unaware of my presence. Instead of tapping him (which would have counted as a kill) I crept up behind him, pulled his pistol from the holster, and shot him in the back of the head. His unsuspecting friend then rounded the corner, saw me, an turned to run. I shot him 10-20 times in the back, even though o ha a pistol, he was running, and I had to go out of my way to put the rifle on full auto. The first guy thought it was badass and gave me a sporting pat on the back for my heroics, but I still wonder what possessed me to do that. The second guy called me a prick and then left.
9. While playing laser tag in a dark arena, I rounded a corner and found the muzzle of a laser gun pointed directly at my face. Before the other kid could squeeze the trigger, I reacted by pushing the barrel straight up and into his face, breaking his nose and making blood splatter all over his laser vest. Oops!
10. I have to be ruthless because my family is ludicrous, and when there's any kind of competition, it's literally every man for himself. If you hesitate, you will get hurt. My mom once broke her toe playing a card game with the family. My uncle ended up cracking a rib during a game of ping pong. At Thanksgiving, roughly 40 people will be involved in a football game. Participation is required. One year when a 14-year-old cousin of mine said she was tired and didn't want to play, our great uncle, a minister, announced that she should stop being a wuss and get in the damn game. She did.
12. Family reunion, I must have been 15 at the time. My cousins and I were all in my grandparents basement. Probably 10 of us all together. A small pillow fight breaks out between everyone and I immediately target my youngest cousin, who was around 11 at the time, because he was the weakest link. Suddenly everything gets heated when I hit him with a pillow that had one of those buttons on it, it was the typical pillow an older person might have. Anyways, I smashed his face with the button on the pillow, chipping a tooth and blooding a nose in the process. All my cousins stop hitting each other with pillows to see (Continued)
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All my cousins stop hitting each other with pillows to see what happened when my youngest cousin erupted in tears. He starts running for the stairs to make an escape. Not on my watch. I threw the pillow like a Frisbee, he was 15 feet away from me. The pillow slid perfectly under his foot making him slip on it. He then face planted onto the floor. He lay there motionless. The room was silent. My eyes paned across the room seeing everyone's faces. They were shocked, I had decimated my cousin with the pillow and then destroyed his only attempt at escape in a matrix like fashion. Finally someone broke the silence. My oldest cousin in the room who was in his 20's at the time piped up saying "Damn, he got effed up" We all laughed about it as my youngest cousin picked himself off the floor and ran to tell on me. Totally worth it.
13. While tubing on the 4th of July a friend of mine and I were having an epic tube battle where neither of us could be thrown. At one point both of us were upside down being dragged by the tube, and with neither of us relenting the tube flipped back upright. Both of us just hanging on by a few fingers from each hand with our arms fully outstretched and our bodies dragging in the water.
I looked at him and realized this was my only moment. I laughed, in a startling fashion, while pulling myself up onto the tube. I looked back at my friend to tell him simply 'No', and then extended my foot onto his chest and kicked him off the tube.
14. While airsofting at my cabin, my friends surrounded me and refused my surrender. They were shooting around my feet "making me dance" I found a can of rusty nails, and made it rain nails.
15. When I automatically boo all children under the age of 10 on shows like America's Got Talent. Get this stupid kid outta here!
16. I was playing basketball in My driveway during summer and I was helping my younger sister sell lemonade. I was about 14 and this kid about 11 years old challenged me to a five point game of one on one on an 8 foot hoop. (which I could easily dunk on). Well I gave him the ball first and his first shot ended up getting completely rejected, then I proceeded to actually (Continued)
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then I proceeded to actually score 5 straight points to win the game, including some balls-in-face Blake griffin style dunks. He went home upset and I didn't realize what a dick move it was until later, and ended up apologizing for being such a douche
17. I had two of my friends over roughly a year ago. We were just fooling around with airsoft guns. (The ones with plastic bb's in them.) We were shooting cans and stuff in my backyard. When we went back inside, I went to the bathroom, coming out they weren't there and I heard one of them shout "Try and find is before we shoot!"
I went to the kitchen and grabbed a butter knife to be safe, entering the living room they both pointed their guns at me. Without thinking I ran at them, one of them shot me in the thigh and that stung. I grabbed him and pressed the knife to his throat. (A butter knife, yes but that still intimidated them) They both gave me the guns, I nicked one of them with the knife on the forearm, the other was laughing and telling me to stop.
I pick 'em up dual-weild style and shoot the jerk stone cold with both in the chest.
I don't know what possessed me to do that.....not watching Rambo anytime soon.
18. Dodgeball as a counselor for a summer camp.
The oldest was 8.
I regret nothing.
19. Paintball, myself just out of Marine bootcamp with my brother and brother in law. My 8y/o nephew sister and cousin were going to join us but before we wasted the money I told them I was going to shoot them before so they knew what they were getting into. Well my nephew went first and I told him I was going to shoot his chest. Well I misjudged his size and shoot him in the upper thigh a few inches away from his nether area. Instantly started crying, my sister and cousin said they might go even still but wouldn't let me shoot them. We go in and a guy is walking out with a bloody face. He took his mask off for a second and got lit up. So they dropped out. So just the 3 of us we going in and I'm using a personal gun not the crappy ones they hand out. And this kid maybe 12-13 is cheating not following the your hit your out rule, he was on my team. I watched as my brother in law shoot him in the face twice and the kid stayed in. So my being about 3ft behind in emptied my entire hopper into him. He got the hint even when hr hit the ground and I keep firing.
20. I was in England on a Boyscout trip, doing a GIANT campout (it's called peak) and I somehow end up in a camp with a bunch of like, 4th graders. So, I had a box of cookies that I didn't really want. so one kid was like "eh, can I 'ave eh biscuit?" and so I thought I'd be jovial and frisbee a cookie to him. It flew straight into his eye. Everyone hated me for about the next 2 hours. I remember one kid telling me "yeh don' jus go around hittin' people in the eyes wiff a biscuit!" it still haunts me to this day.
21. My little brother scared me once by jumping our from behind a door. I spilled a little bit of water on my shirt. So one morning when he was down stairs watching tv, I snuck near the couch and hid under a pile if blankets. He went into the other room to get a stray cat we were sheltering to sit on his lap and learn to be more people friendly. This very timid cat was sitting in his lap, while he was brushing it, just starting to warm up to him. That's when I (Continued)
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That's when I jumped out of the pile of blankets and caused him to scream as well, through the cat in the air, and then run his own face into said thrown cat. The cat tried to latch to his face but ended up just scratching him up. My little brother was crying, bleeding, and was now hated by the cat. On top of all of that I believe he needed a rabies shot as well as tetanus. I sometimes think that was a little harsh and that I should apologize, but then I remember that I spilled half a dixie cup of water on myself because of what we've did and I realize it was necessary justice. I can take a joke, but don't you ever spill a god damn liquid on my clothing. I hate it.
22. I have horses, so of course there's a barn too. We get barn swallows building their nests in the barn, which we normally knock down asap since they're a huge fire hazard. Anyway we left one too long and the birds laid eggs in it, so I figured I'd let them have their nest for the season and keep an eye on it (it wasn't near any wires so probably not a fire hazard). After a little while, they had 3 little pink chicks, all of which fell out of the nest because it was built on an angle. I got the barn cats to clean it up, then knocked the nest down since it was empty.
I didn't think anything of it until I read something where someone was nursing a baby barn swallow back to health and waking up every 2 hours or so to feed the damn thing. I felt like the biggest arsehole after reading that... I fed them to cats and someone else was going without sleep to save them.
25. Broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years over text message. Not proud of that one.
26. For one horrible semester in college I tutored kids in Mesa, AZ. It was a low income kind of area so the kids that were there weren't there for tutoring so much as they were there for free babysitting. I, naturally being the loudest and most obnoxious, got the three (others had only two!) loudest and obnoxious kids. It was generally terrible.
Fast forward to the last day, playing kickball. One of my little turds is turning the third base corner and heading for home. I hit him so hard in the back of the head with that ball that he fell over.
We won and I only felt a little bad.
I should say I'm not entirely heartless, I once was sick and didn't show up and these three little monsters were on the verge of tears the next time I showed up saying "don't leave us", so I didn't. Just threw crap at them.
28. During the BBQ, a NERF war broke out between two kids and myself at a friends ranch. Using those newer magazine fed semi-auto nerf guns, a 30 minute engagement took place, where I (a military Iraq vet) handily slaughtered them 3 to 0. During the game however, I brought down one of them with 3 rapid shots while both of us were mid sprint. He started to drop to his knees, I spun my head to spot the other kid, and without thinking I casually extended my arm and put a dart "into" the back of the downed kids head. What I did not know is that everyone at the BBQ had set up chairs and started watching us, including this kids mother. And they all roared in applause, like some sort of Roman mob.
"Wow, I might be a monster that barely keeps himself in check."