Headlines So Outrageous They Seem Like They're From The Onion... But Sadly, They're Not.

The Onion works hard to put top notch parody news into the universe for our reading pleasure. But sometimes, the universe provides a little something on its own. Enjoy these weird but true news headlines from around the world this week.
1. Donald Trump officially names Obamacare replacement 'World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017 (Independent)
Could we expect anything less from ol' Donald? Quite frankly, I think comedians are getting a little sick of the drying well of Trump jokes to make. It's always the same old thing with him.
According to the article, "The Worlds Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017" - yes, that is its official title - "has been introduced by Texas Representative Pete Sessions and begins its long slug through the House and Senate before hitting the Presidents desk."
Despite major criticisms like the fact that this plan could leave millions of people without insurance everyone is going to have to refer to it as "The World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017" every time they mention it. But, let's look on the bright side they say laughter is the best medicine, so talk about how ridiculous the name is enough times and maybe you won't even need to worry about health insurance. That's how it works, right?!
2. Nintendo Switch cartridges 'taste so bad' (BBC)
So you've got a night alone for gaming. You get your snacks out. You get your game on. You do your mandatory pre-game controller lick. BLEGH!
WHAT THE CRYING SEA KELP?!!
Gamers around the world stared to notice their new Nintendo Switch cartridges tasted awful, but it wasn't coincidence. The foul taste comes from a "bittering agent" intended to prevent them from being accidentally swallowed. You can read more details here, but here are some quotes from the article by gamers who tasted the controller:
"The strange thing about it was it lasted a very long time - for an hour or so afterwards I could still taste it."
Jeff Gerstmann
"Oh, it's so... God... it's so awful."
Guy who did a Youtube taste review
"I had to stop and grab something to eat or drink to get this flavour out of my mouth."
Again, Jeff Gerstmann (he has a lot of feels about this)
3. Man found not guilty of stealing cheese, but he left his trial before the verdict and got prison time (The Virginian Pilot)
You can rest easy tonight, knowing that the court systems are really focusing their energies on the important things in life. Not only was this case about a man named Cochran being WRONGLY ACCUSED AND BROUGHT TO COURT over stealing $33 worth of sharp cheddar, but Cochran actually went to jail because he left the trail (for which was NOT GUILTY) early. If we had to spend our day arguing that we didn't steal a brick of pressed milk curds, I'm pretty sure we'd all be saying, "That's it, I'm out." Read the whole story here.
Read more on the next page!
4. YouTube cuts popular live stream of giraffe about to give birth for nudity and sexual content (Fox31)
This article title was actually changed to "YouTube restores live stream of giraffe giving birth at New York adventure park" after it went out, but the question isn't about the specifics of the title. It's about the fact that Youtube pulled a nature video of a giraffe giving birth because apparently it was too nude and too sexual for the public. You know, because there are so many people that are going to be up in arms about a giraffe vagina.
5. Betsy DeVos labels Black Colleges 'pioneers of choice' despite being set up for African-Americans with no options (Independent)
Okay, the wording of this headline is somewhat garbled, so let me break it down for you (I really wish it was parody, I really do). After meeting with university leaders at the White House with President Donald Trump on Monday, Betsy DeVos, US Education Secretary, released a statement illustrating her administrations proposals to help develop underserved communities.
In it, she said Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) were real pioneers when it comes to school choice."
They are living proof that when more options are provided to students, they are afforded greater access and greater quality," she added. Their success has shown that more options help students flourish."
Uhhhh, Betsy? Black Colleges and Universities in the US were established because Black citizens in the US DIDN'T HAVE THE CHOICE TO ATTEND UNIVERSITY OTHERWISE. They literally weren't allowed to apply to "regular" college. Black Colleges aren't there to "offer something new" to a population of people who wouldn't otherwise want to go to university / college. They're there because, in the aftermath of the Civil War, Black people wanted to go to Univeristy / college and were told "Hey, you can't come here, white people only" So they were like "F-ck this I'm gonna start my own school because I want an education."
6. Workmen's cafe overwhelmed with customers after it is accidentally awarded a Michelin star (Telegraph)
Picture this: a tiny cafe that mostly caters to crews of local tradesmen in central France was flooded with phone calls from gourmet diners. Diners, reporters, and TV crews swarmed to the cafe to find.... red and white polka dot plastic tablecloths and homemade lasagna. Great! But probably not what people expected, considering the restaurant had recently been awarded a Michelin star. As it turns out, the prestigious label was an error it was supposed to go to a restaurant with the same name that just so happened to also have a similar address. Woops! Read more about it, here.
Continue reading on the next page.
7. Passenger causes plane to divert after he's charged $12 for a blanket (CNN)
Yep, this is real, folks. A 66-year-old passenger on the Hawaiian Airlines threatened the worker after he was charged $12 for a blanket. Apparently the plane was chilly and the man wasn't ready to shell out a dozen dollars for comfort. Check out the article here.
8. 67-year-old man dies from heart attack after catching prized Pokemon 'Lapras' at MBS (AsiaOne)
Pokemon Go fans will know that the Lapras is an extremely big catch. It's a rare monster in the Pokeworld, so if you see it near an entrance to Bayfront MRT Station, you drop everything and go. Which is exactly what 67-year-old man did. Also, I'm gonna take a moment to note how cool this guy must have been that he was spending his time as a retired senior catching Pokemon. Anyway, back to the story in some sort of cruel twist of fate, moments after his big win, he suffered a fatal heart attack. You can read this bittersweet story here.
9. Martial arts academy posts how-to video for defending against Trump handshake (The Hill)
We all need to use our knowledge and power to help those around us. That is why a mixed martial arts online magazine has posted a tutorial from a jiu-jitsu academy informing the public on how to defend against President Trumps handshakes. If you don't know what the "Trumpshake" is (yes, I just coined that term), it's this weird power play in which Trump literally grabs the other person's hand, yanks the person towards him, and shakes in back and forth in a horizontal motion similar to using a handsaw. Then, if he really wants to that extra je ne sais quoi, Donald taps continues holding the other person's hand and taps it gently, as if to say, "Good booooooy."
This Defence Against the Dark Arts tutorial (yeah I made that name up, but it's pretty close) is very important and should be mandatory in curriculums across North America (maybe even the world). You can watch it here.
Continue reading on the next page!
10. Man marks his ex-girlfriend's apology letter and sends it back to her (BBC)
Breakups can be hard. Especially when your ex writes you a backhanded apology letter to "make you feel stupid". According to Nick Lutz, that's exactly what happened to him. So how did he decide to deal with it? He graded it.
According to the BBC, "he starts off by saying the introduction is too long and that there's lots of repetition."
And then it goes on from there.
I'm not sure who to side with on this one, but one thing I would like to note is that this made news on the BBC. The BBC, people. The British Broadcasting Corporation is invested enough in this couple's petty break up that they needed to dissect it in an article. Apparently it was a slow news day...
11. Mexican town pays tribute to firework blast victims with pyrotechnic display (The Guardian)
When victims of a shark attack have a funeral, you host it at an aquarium. When a family dies in a tragic car accident, the whole town commemorates their lives with a humble drag race 'round the parking lot. Obviously, that's the rule, right? You're supposed to like, match the thing that killed the people with the way that you pay tribute to them?
Well that's exactly the logic that applied when a tragic accident at the pyrotechnics market on the Northern outskirts of Mexico City killed dozens, injured many more, and obliterated the market. In order to pay tribute to the victims, the town dedicated their National Pyrotechnics Fair and culminating display of "musical pyrotechnics" to the 42 victims of the disaster.
Someone should really tell Alanis Morissette about this, in case she ever wants to remake Ironic. Read the rest of the story here.
12. College student opened care package from mom, it was the trash he forgot to take out (ABC News)
This. Is. Brilliant.
That is all.
You can read the details here, but the headline really says it all.
Continue reading on the next page!
13. Parkour mishap leaves tall, thin man stuck in downtown Denver chimney (The Denver Post)
We've all been there. One moment we're clambering around on the fourth floor rooftop of an old building, the next moment we're a skinny man from Denver whose fallen 35 feet down the old incinerator chimney. I know what you're all thinking: story of my life. Getting stuck in a big ol' chimney is practically a right of passage.
Hinkel, the man in question, was rescued after several hours. He's now being held in jail because, you know, maybe he was trying to rob the building. Doors and windows are so last year.
You can read more about this man who is "6 feet 5 inches tall and weighs 170 pounds" (yes, that's an actual quote from the article. Is it just me or do they seem eerily obsessed with nailing home that this man is both tall and thin?) here.
14. Police called to North Yorkshire school after toilet breaks 'limited to two a day' (Independent)
On some sort of weird power trip, Pupils at a North Yorkshire school were recently told by their teacher that they could only use the toilet between 11.05-11.25am and 12.25-12.45pm. Because, you know, kids can totally control their tiny bladders well enough to use the toilet in limited time windows. According to the article, "officers were forced to be called in after up to 40 students took to the playing fields on Friday morning protesting the controversial new rule at Bedale High School." Yay for little protestors! But seriously... I can't believe this happened. Read the whole story here.
15. Fight on UK train after people kept placing bagels on travellers' heads (The Guardian)
Brexit. Racism. Poverty. There are a lot of things to be concerned about today. Now, we add bagels to the list.
Police were called to break up a fight on a train as rowdy passengers repeatedly placed bagels on other travellers heads.
According to the article, and also the police and a video posted online, the group of bagel delinquents placed bagels on people's heads, and even broke into an original song entitled, "Hes got bagel on his head" at one point.
The police were quick to report to the scene. And they paid attention to the real victims in this tragedy: the bagels.
British Transport police tweeted: Lets be clear, no bagel should be treated so cruelly. And no one subjected to intimidating behaviour. Ever need us text 61016.
You can read more about the bagel shenanigans here.
Continue reading on the next page!
16. Barcelona to feed pigeons contraceptives in bid to slash numbers (El Pais)
Barcelona installed about 40 black metal cylinders in centrally located parks that contain bird seed spiked with contraceptives. Apparently their attempts to curb their 85,000 strong pigeon population, including capturing and just straight up killing the birds, have proved worthless, and quite frankly, inhumane.
According to the article, "City hall hopes to reduce the population by around 20% in the first year of the contraceptive scheme, with overall numbers falling by 80% in four to five years."
The cost of the project? 250,000 a year.
The big win? Not having to clean up pigeon poop.
17. Chilly chickens wear sweaters, egg production skyrockets (CBS News)
Chickens work hard to supply us with our eggs. How the hell are they supposed to do their job properly if they're freezing their little tail feathers off? According to the article, "Certain breeds shed their feathers and grow new plumage in the winter months. Others imported from tropical climates just arent suited for the wintry conditions."
Thank goodness for the knitting club at Fuller Village, a retirement home in Milton, Massachusetts, who heard about the hardships that some chickens experience, and came to the rescue.
Cue: Knitted chicken sweaters.
Not only did the chickens look cute, cozy, and fly, but they were comfortable enough to start doing their job properly. According to Estate spokeswoman, Erica Max, there has been a noticeable jump in egg production since the chickens started sporting their new garb.
18. Kellyanne Conway suggests Barack Obama was spying on Donald Trump through a microwave (Independent)
We all know that after an extremely stressful 8-year tenure as U.S President, Barack Obama's first item on his agenda as a retired man is to keep tabs on what his successor is up to. Not a vacation or hanging with his family or taking a breather nooooo those things would be way too "normal human" for Barack.
According to Donald Trump's Senior Aide, Kelly Conway, they've got a hunch that Obama "could have monitored the President through a microwave." But not the old fashioned wire-tapping way. Oh no. That would be far too "normal human" for Barack.
According to the article, Conway claimed that "surveillance could be conducted with "microwaves that turn into cameras," and added: We know this is a fact of modern life.""
So all y'all that didn't quite catch that common sense tidbit, microwaves that turn into cameras are now a thing and Obama may totally be using them to spy on Trump instead of, I dunno, catching up on the loooooong list of other life experiences that he couldn't have while he was president.
Thanks for reading!
External image source: pathdoc / Shutterstock.com
Short of having a shopping addiction, no one actually likes spending money on stuff.
Why would you ever willingly give it away? It's your money!
Which might be why it feels so bad when you have to spend money of something that should be free from the beginning. People/ corporations are going to chase that cheddar, though, so there's little you can do besides complain, which frankly might be the best thing the internet is for.
Reddit user, woodside37, wanted to know what we should never have to pay for again when they asked:
"What should be free?"
Let's get these out of the way first...No, let's get this first one out of the way first.
Hidden fees are the worst.
Hidden. F***ing. Fees.
"Transaction/processing fees when you order a digital product online. Such as a concert ticket, where you pay 6 euro extra while you pay online, and have to print the ticket yourself."
rickmitchel
"Or processing fees to pay bills that you need. Duke energy charges a $7 processing fee for you to pay your energy bill. Like wtf."
CrispyCrunchyPoptart
Pay To Pee
"Public bathrooms! The amount of human piles of poop around because the homeless have no where to relieve themselves!"
AuntyMarcy
"Live in a very tourist-y part of the U.K., all public toilets charge and most cafes/pubs/libraries won’t let people use their toilets. As someone who lives here year round it’s really frustrating and doesn’t seem to make sense."
JonesNewport83
Want A Better Society? Educate Them.
"College. Or at the very least, college APPLICATIONS. If you're gonna require it for most careers, atleast make it accessible for people. And I just think it's stupid that people have to pay to get rejected."
callmeventibcimavent
"Oh god I hate that so much. Same with applying to apartments it’s such a waste of money if you don’t get approved. It racks up quickly too."
Kydra96
It does feel grimy when "official documentation" that is "mandatory" has to be bought and paid for not by the people requiring it, but by the people needing it.
Forcing Us To Pay For Something We're Forced To Have
"ID cards issued by the government. Especially since you need them for almost every aspect of daily living."
waqasnaseem07
"I. Exist."
"Birth certificates"
alexchico3
"I'm not the biggest fan of free stuf but having to pay for a piece of paper that says "I exist" is ridiculous."
Spaghetti-Evan1991
It'll never not feel bad having to pay for something we expect to be free, but it feels ten times worse when it's something you need to get by in life. As in, need to live.
Let's All Agree To Take Care Of Each Other
"All base needs up to a level. I mean stuff we need to survive, eg. power, water,... and things we are required to use to be relevant in daily life internet,..."
"Seeing how now power companies are fuel companies are having THE biggest profit in years while more and more families are pushed into bigger and bigger deths just to get by."
"Same goes for internet tbh, poor kids are just not getting by in school becasue they lack the basic stuff every other kid has to get further in life. I am not saying they need the fastest possible internet with unlimited dl, but give them so they can work for school so the vicious cycle can be broken."
Amelsander
We Need It More Than Anyone
"All mental health services. If you don’t have benefits or a VERY good paying job, they are unaffordable for how often most people really need them. At $120-160/ session even once a week is not affordable for most people these days"
pennylayne77
A Fine Line Between Need And Want
"Water"
selfishnerd77
"Drinking water, sure. But water is an expendable resource and it should honestly be more restricted when we think about cases like people watering their lawns."
I_Am_Become_Dream
Paying To Live
"Insulin. People are dying because of greedy pharmaceutical companies."
Astronimus123
"But We're 'Pro-Life'" - Jerks
"Birth control of all kinds."
"For anyone who b*tches about spending taxpayer money, I'd ask whether it costs more to provide condoms or to house prisoners."
AlexReynard
"Giving birth (In the us)"
z0k0n
"As a female US citizen the more I learn about the whole giving birth sh*t the less I want kids. My friend just had a baby, there were some complications. She is now paying off a 14k hospital bill! The lowest I have hears is 8k. 8k just to have a f-cking kid! For a country that is gung-ho about forcing women to have kids they have missed the mark completely."
Main-Yogurtcloset-82
Everyone is looking for their payout, and unfortunately sometimes we're the ones who have to give it to them, whether it makes sense or not.
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The worst part of having breasts is Florida.
I didn't even say large breasts. Just breasts, any breasts. Florida and breasts are mortal enemies sworn to battle one another into oblivion until the end of days.
In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is Hardio
"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
- [Reddit]
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
- notanotherbreach
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
- k_g94
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
-[Reddit]
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
- PoiLethe
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
- J09Lynn
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
- wheredMyArmourGo
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
- Pauliester
Growing Pains
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
- Individual_Ad_7523
Two Volcanos
"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
- Queen-of-meme
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
- Local_Masterpiece_
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
- PleasuredMeatStick
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
- LuckyBugHarley
Technological Advancements
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
- IAmNotLookingatYou
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
- Object_Prize
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
- AbbyNormalKnits
Double Trouble
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
- BigBunsLittleBunbun
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
- cryptic-coyote
"Exactly!"
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
- APD2269
Expensive
"They're expensive."
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
- SailorSpoon11
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
- insertcaffeine
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
- kaytay3000
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
- letsjumpintheocean
Getting Comfortable
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
- ChadweenaThundervag
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
- Skkaj225
"Am guy."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
- DeluxeWafer
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
- Miikami
Either Or
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
- batchofbetterbutter
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
- octokisu
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
- didithedragon
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
- Peter_the_pear
Attempted Murder
"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
- Outrageous-Proof4630
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
- lil_ho_on_da_prairie
It's Constant
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
- Plus_Bison_7091
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
- zapsquad
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
- gentlybeepingheart
Destroyed
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
- Originalluff
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
- I_love_pillows
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
- Rozeline
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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There are humane ways to tell someone to go home after a... liaison.
How can one be so rude after being so intimate?
I'm not saying you have to snuggle and profess love, but damn, a quick... "thanks, I hope life is kind to you" goes a long way.
Redditor sumyungdood wanted to hear the tea about the times they had to tell a lover to take a hike. They asked:
"What is the worst way someones asked you to leave after sex?"
Tell me your worst. Mine our stories where I had find my clothes in the dark and sneak out naked.
Don't ask...
A Late Run
"Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running."
TopOcelot13
Beefed
"An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there, we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said 'you got sex and stew, now please leave.' Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best."
TheRockMan31
"Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!"
livesarah
'is it that obvious'
"Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like 'soooo... think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours.' Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said 'so, your hookup kick you out?' I said 'is it that obvious' and he replied 'you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last.'"
apocalypticradish
Yummy
"Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home. Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much."
Nobody_Wins_13
I hate Taco Bell. And since reading this... I hate people.
Mrs. Robinson?
"She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said 'Well, bye.' I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again."
Rhalellan
And you are?
"While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: 'Maribel, you can’t stay here.'"
"My name is not Maribel."
tikkichik21
"See this is what happens when you don’t let people talk about Bruno."
Brendanlendan
Go
"He got off me and started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me 'oh yeah you can go now.' We were best friends for like two years up until that moment."
Caramel_Cappucino
"I’m open minded but this is exactly why I often don’t trust male friendships. You could even be a lesbian and one moment of vulnerability they may take advantage of that. I know it’s unrelated but your experience made me upset and I’m sorry you had to go through that."
L8NiGHTFLiGHT
second time...
"He rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said 'find your clothes, you know where the door is' and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him 'you know where your hand is' and blocked him."
olivinemultichrome
Gross
"We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking."
"Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch."
barontayto
Wow. Some people are truly disgusting. How do you treat other humans this way?
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Most couples are inseparable and enjoy doing everything together, thanks in part to shared mutual interests.
But on occasion, some people in relationships go off in pursuit of one-sided pleasures in secret for various reasons.
These can range from going out to a vegan restaurant when the other person is a carnivore to seeing a Netflix show that is too violent for a squeamish significant other.
Because not every significant other may not share the same passion, Redditors TheTinRam asked:
"What’s a guilty pleasure you hide from your significant other?"

These Redditors needed some "me time."
Dad Time
"Everytime I go on a late night grocery run (once or twice a month) because I work nights, and my wife forgot to grab whatever, I add a $0.70 Mexican soda to the cart. It is just for me. It is something my dad used to get me on especially long days when I was a kid 'helping' him on jobsites. It is my tiny reminder of him."
– thecountnotthesaint
Story For No One
"I write stories for years now, some of the times she thinks I'm working on the computer but I'm actually writing a story. There is nothing to hide but I just keep it to myself, none of my family members know I write stories. Till today I have written 56 stories (most of them are short)."
– SuvenPan
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
"Staying up late for peace and quiet."
– Blue_OG_46
Chatting For One
"I talk to myself all the time, I was actually wondering last night if it was a really weird thing to do lol"
– hottytoddy_sko
Naked And Sacred
"I will cruise the house butt naked and just do whatever the hell I want. About once a month. I won’t be able to this summer because the kids will be back in school, but come August, I’ll be naked and free again!"
– batchofbetterbutter
Some people need to get out of the house.
Self Therapy
"Sometimes I take the long way home and talk to myself in the car about my 'problems' - like Self Therapy. I put one earbud in so ppl think I could be on the phone."
"I get quite animated. It helps to get a stressful day out of my system before I get home and switch gears."
– Humble-Plankton2217
Solo Slice
"My husband has gluten sensitivity. If he eats regular pizza, his stomach hurts for a couple of days after."
"Well, I don't, so sometimes I say I'm going for a run, and I do run.... to the pizza store, eat a slice, and run back."
– sohumsahm
Catching Up With The Boys
"Covid has messed it up for a bit now. But every 3 or so months the boys and I all get up like we are going to work at our respective jobs but instead all call in sick and meet for breakfast, then go back to our one buddies place for the day to hangout. Around 4 or 5 one by one we all head home for our normal arrival time."
"It's literally the only way for us all to get together reliably. Most of us have known each other for the better part of 30 years now, going way back to junior kindergarten for some."
"Twice I have let her know my plan for the day and twice I have gotten phone calls to come home early for what ever not some emergency. So now we do it secretly."
– foh242
Some of the things people do behind their SO's backs is for endearing reasons.
Smooch Ploy
"I don’t know if this is a guilty pleasure necessarily but I pretend to be asleep when he comes home from work because he always kisses me on the forehead."
– str8outofabook
Catching Zzzs
"I love when she snores."
"She complains (only lightly) about my snoring all the time, and I always feel awful that I make it tricky for her to get a good night's sleep. When she's snoring, I know she's actually going to rest well, and it makes me happy."
– ricdesi
Scent Of A Man
"Smelling his clothes. Not creepily, like his boxers. But when he lets me borrow a shirt or a sweater I’ll put it on and just revel in the smell of him on his clothes. If I recall correctly, it definitely wasn’t like this when we first started dating. It’s been over two years now and I only remember doing this around the 7 month mark. He smells really, really good."
– he-whoeatsbugs
The Forever Admirer
"I have a whole album of 'unflattering' pictures of her. Not really something I hide, but they make me happy. She’s so silly yet so beautiful."
– Dewahll
They say that a couple that plays together, stays together.
That's all well and good. However, a significant other having some alone time should never be stigmatized.
My husband and I usually watch every TV show together, but I watch Netflix's Ozark by myself because I enjoy intense dramas, immensely.
It's not a secret. And he's glad I watch the shows that I want to watch on my own time–just like I encourage him to watch all those UFO documentaries that he's obsessed with, by himself.
No really, watch them without me.
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