Sometimes you want to insult or curse someone, but you need to keep it classy. Here are a couple witty, classy ways to get the message across because sometimes passive aggression is petty but it's pretty darn satisfying.
1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
2. The size of your ego and the size of your talent are inversely proportional.
3. You're about as useful as a whisk for baked potatoes.
4. May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.
5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.
6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it's not even in.
7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.
8. I would insult you, but (Continued)
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8. I would insult you, but you're not worth the effort.
9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.
10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the cord isn't plugged in the wall.
12. You're as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, but (Continued)
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but too cold by the time you remember it's there.
15. *they finish talking*
you: are you done?
16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.
17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.
18. I don't care what people say about you. You're alright.
19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.
20. May you never remember (Continued)
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20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.
21. I've been called worse things by better people.
22. You're as much use as a chocolate teapot.
23. Well I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
24. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just called me, Kyle.
25. This is why people talk about you when you're not around.
26. I bet you like your steak well done.
27. May you always choose the (Continued)
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27. May you always choose the slowest cue.
28. I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
29. May the person beside you at work chomp their food loudly enough that you can't drown it out with headphones.
30. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
31. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
32. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.
33. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
34. May your cookie always be (Continued)
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34. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.
35. Say "Who's this clown?" which implies that they are a clown but not even one of the better known ones
36. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.
37. You're not the person Mr. Rogers thought you could be.
38. I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
39. I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
But sometimes, the wisdom imparted by friends isn't always helpful or relevant to the situation.
Curious to hear from strangers online who could do without specific knowledge, Redditor Saibotnl1 asked:
"What life advice can just f'k off?"
These Redditors have a problem with how certain people have on outlook on life.
Time To Rest
"Sleep when you’re dead."
"Cool, but you’re going to be dead a lot sooner."
– Tag2graff
Irrelevant Sadness
"People have it so much worse than you so don’t be sad!"
– notrachelmar
"To that I like to say, 'people have it so much better than you so don't be happy!'"
– ___jupiter____
Your Life Path
"Almost anything relating to what age you must be in order to buy a house, have children, marry, have a profession, or do anything else. Seriously, everyone's life is different from everyone else's. Make your life the way you want it to be. If you so desire. Up to you."
– Frn071
On The Contrary
“Cheaters never prosper”
"Yes, they f'king do."
– waqasnaseem07
People can get out of any situation they find displeasing.
But others feel people should just "stick it out."
Ignoring Bullies
"Just ignore bullys or get someone else to handle it for you. I have never seen this work, only makes it worse. The only effective way I've seen to deal with them is by not making yourself an easy target and make them scared to f'k with you again. If going psycho on their a** is the only thing they'll respond to that's their fault. Also want to add in schools they will punish you for self defense but that punishment is only sitting around a few hours in detention or sitting around at home with a suspension. The punishment is temporary boredom, it's absolutely nothing compared to being bullied and when it's over the important message will still stand that you will not tolerate being a victim."
– User Delted
Remain to be Miserable
"Stick it out"
"Whether that's sh**ty jobs, shi**y relationships, shi**y living situations..."
"By all means don't just give up on things when you face challenges, but if something feels wrong or is wrecking your peace then take some control and change it if you can!"
– petitezoey
"Easy for you to say," might be an auto-response to these suggestions for many people.
Invitation For Recklesslessness
"Live like everyday was your last"
Yall know what people do when they learn they have a single day left to live?"
– LimeGrass619
A Possible Consequence
"I did that as a teenager and ended up homeless and addicted to heroin. Didn’t pan out for me too well."
"19 years sober though today."
– Open-Section-7263
A Practical Approach
"If I knew with certainty that I had one day left, I'd double-check all my financials, my will, and my insurance policies, make sure my wife had all of my passwords and knew where all the money was, spend the rest of the day with her and the kids, then call the medical examiner and ask to lie down on the gurney so that when I die they won't strain their back moving my remains out of my house."
– Asteriad
Nose Stuck In A Book
"Work while they sleep. Study while they party"
"That's not a recipe for success, that's a recipe for a lot of white hairs, burnout syndrome and a stroke before your 40s..."
– Khomuna
Doesn't Apply To Everyone
"Do what you love and money will follow"
"I love walking my dogs and grilling food for my friends but That sh*t doesn't pay the bills as well as my engineering degree!"
– Elons_android
While people's intentions are good, they're better off keeping their two cents in their own pockets.
Not everyone likes to hear platitudes.
Sometimes, people just want to know they're not alone with their problems over listening to unlikely solutions that are nothing more than superficial pick-me-ups.
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