Extremely Well-Mannered Insults For When You're Angry But Want To Keep It Classy


Sometimes you want to insult or curse someone, but you need to keep it classy. Here are a couple witty, classy ways to get the message across because sometimes passive aggression is petty but it's pretty darn satisfying.


1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. The size of your ego and the size of your talent are inversely proportional.

3. You're about as useful as a whisk for baked potatoes.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it's not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. I would insult you, but (Continued)

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8. I would insult you, but you're not worth the effort.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the cord isn't plugged in the wall.

12. You're as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.

13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, but (Continued)

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but too cold by the time you remember it's there.

15. *they finish talking*

you: are you done?

16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.

18. I don't care what people say about you. You're alright.

19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.

20. May you never remember (Continued)

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20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

21. I've been called worse things by better people.

22. You're as much use as a chocolate teapot.

23. Well I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

24. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just called me, Kyle.

25. This is why people talk about you when you're not around.

26. I bet you like your steak well done.

27. May you always choose the (Continued)

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27. May you always choose the slowest cue.

28. I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

29. May the person beside you at work chomp their food loudly enough that you can't drown it out with headphones.

30. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.

31. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

32. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.

33. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

34. May your cookie always be (Continued)

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34. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.

35. Say "Who's this clown?" which implies that they are a clown but not even one of the better known ones

36. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

37. You're not the person Mr. Rogers thought you could be.

38. I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.

39. I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.

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