Sometimes you want to insult or curse someone, but you need to keep it classy. Here are a couple witty, classy ways to get the message across because sometimes passive aggression is petty but it's pretty darn satisfying.
1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
2. The size of your ego and the size of your talent are inversely proportional.
3. You're about as useful as a whisk for baked potatoes.
4. May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.
5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.
6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it's not even in.
7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.
8. I would insult you, but (Continued)
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8. I would insult you, but you're not worth the effort.
9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.
10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the cord isn't plugged in the wall.
12. You're as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, but (Continued)
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but too cold by the time you remember it's there.
15. *they finish talking*
you: are you done?
16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.
17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.
18. I don't care what people say about you. You're alright.
19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.
20. May you never remember (Continued)
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20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.
21. I've been called worse things by better people.
22. You're as much use as a chocolate teapot.
23. Well I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
24. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just called me, Kyle.
25. This is why people talk about you when you're not around.
26. I bet you like your steak well done.
27. May you always choose the (Continued)
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27. May you always choose the slowest cue.
28. I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
29. May the person beside you at work chomp their food loudly enough that you can't drown it out with headphones.
30. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
31. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
32. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.
33. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
34. May your cookie always be (Continued)
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34. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.
35. Say "Who's this clown?" which implies that they are a clown but not even one of the better known ones
36. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.
37. You're not the person Mr. Rogers thought you could be.
38. I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
39. I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
In fact, some mistakes are so astronomical that they're remembered for decades afterwards, leaving the one who made the mistake a legacy of being a dumba**. Here are a few of them!!!
U/ronjans24 asked: What was the biggest mistake in human history?
Some may argue that the existence of the Universe was a mistake. I disagree. It was clearly Zayn leaving One Direction. But these next few were pretty bad too.
If you do the math, this is also the reason why Hentai exists.
I'll say the wrong turn Franz Ferdinand's driver made that went right in front of Gavrilo Princip.
EDIT: yes I'm aware war may still have broken out even if Franz Ferdinand wasn't assassinated
Imagine you're Gavrilo Princip. The assassination plot you and your friends had been cooking up for about the last year or so has been a complete and total disaster, just a monumental f*ck-up of the highest degree. You're staked out at this deli thinking maybe, just maybe the car will pass by, and by some stroke of sheer luck, it does.
If you're Princip, this is nothing short of serendipity.
Petition to return to the ocean.
Ocean Surf GIFGiphy"Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams
This was, in fact, a monumental mistake.
Sears not beating Amazon to the punch.
Blockbuster not buying Netflix.
You thought THOSE were bad? Well gear up for their next few, because they are 100% accurate. Except the one about Cats, that movie slaps.
I don’t know sports, but sure.
Seahawks not running it.
I used to wear a Seahawks jersey whenever I took a test because I knew I would pass when I shouldn't.
CATS is great, y'all are just boring.
GiphyThe Emoji Movie.
That live action movie about Cats is also up there.
Very fair point.
Social Media.
Humans are not wired to have that many social interactions and maintain that many relationships. Plus the echochambers it allows people to create for themselves, no matter how conspiratorial or vile their beliefs, means that stupid/evil people are no longer shunned into changing their mind.
Not sure it was worth being able to see what a celebrity had for lunch or what new "dance" your younger cousin and her tween friends are doing.
But in all seriousness, some horrible things may now have happened if the right thing was halted at the right time.
Washington called it.
George Washington Disney GIF by Hamilton: An American MusicalGiphyVoting for people based on what side of the political spectrum they're on. George Washington himself advised against political parties because he thought they would cause too much division in this country. Unfortunately for everyone, he was right.
Big oops on that one.
Barack Obama mocking Donald Trump at the Correspondents Dinner might have led directly to his 2016 run....
"Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately, but no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald," Obama said. "And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter — like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?"
Then he turned serious: "But all kidding aside, obviously, we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example — no, seriously, just recently, in an episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice' — at the steakhouse, the men's cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around. But you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. And so ultimately, you didn't blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled, sir. Well handled."
This is the best Star Wars and no one can change my mind.
I'll take 'Star Wars Christmas Special' for $100.
That atrocious pile of manure gave us Boba Fett, so without the Christmas Special there won't be The Mandalorian.
Wow, in this article, I openly admitted my love for Cats AND The Star Wars Holiday Special. So maybe my existence was the biggest mistake of all.
ANYWAY, I hope you enjoyed, and I hope you all feel a little bit better about yourself. Because when push comes to shove, at least you didn't accidentally start World War I