1/35. If God created the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?
2/35. Dog food could say it's any flavor it wants, you're not going to test it.
3/35. Batman only fights crime at night because otherwise he would have weird and obvious tan lines.
4/35. What if a radio station said "Hey Siri, text my mom 'f*ck you'.......... Send"
theWet_Bandits
5/35. The world isn't getting dumber. It's just easier for dumb people to get their thoughts heard.
lb8ovn
6/35. Isn't it weird in movies sometimes when there's a fight on top of a truck yet all the cars behind them will be driving like normal like "this is real messed up but I'm not going to be late for work".
crudmissile
7/35. Why are wedding dresses bought and tuxedos rented? The utility of each is such that it should be the other way around.
the_humeister
Continue to the next page for more genius thoughts!
8/35. I like to think money wouldn't change me; yet when I'm winning Monopoly I'm a terrible person.
9/35. We live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
DominickCosta
10/35. Wherever a fatal car crash or pedestrian death occurs, a red square with the year of the accident should be permanently included in the pavement. Seeing a lot of red squares in a given location would make drivers and pedestrians more careful.
KubrickIsMyCopilot
11/35. I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it.
dankerinooo
12/35. I am a much better proofreader the moment after I post something than the moment before.
SirHerald
13/35. If Google Maps added 5 minutes to every time estimate on directions millions of people would be on time for things.
bthoman2
14/35. When you're a kid, staying up late makes you feel like an adult. When you're an adult, staying up late makes you feel like a kid.
bigandz
Continue to the next page for more!
15/35. You think you're unique until you have to choose a username
High_as_red
16/35. Most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't complex enough. I wonder if humans have observed something which we cannot comprehend or even know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that complexity.
by bloodygames
17/35. It's strange that the adoption process is so strict and rigorous; and yet any two people can produce a baby with no regulation whatsoever.
by JaseAndrews
18/35. I'm lucky enough to live in a country where if I hear an air raid siren I expect it to be followed by phat bass and a banging tune.
by skyforgerer
19/35. If there's a mean dog or a wild horse in a movie, they have to train an animal to act untrained.
WaywardChilton
20/35. What the hell does a golfer do when they retire? Most people retire then take up golf.
extreme_matt
21/35. There's a big bag of deadly acid in the middle of my body and I'm supposed to be totally okay with that.
Treeaza
More shower thoughts on the next page!
22/35. From a wookie's perspective, Chewbacca is the handsome rogue and Han is the dumb sidekick communicating in animal noises.
Hrtzy
23/35. The last ten squares on the toilet roll should have "This is NOT enough for the next person!" printed on them
isaidthisinstead
24/35. My parents spent the first 18 years of my life telling me how unique and special I was, then spent the rest of my life telling me I am no different than anyone else and to get a job.
Chewyman11
25/35. When I was a small child, my grandmother showed me love by playing along with my make believe games. Now that she is older and has dementia it is my turn to show love by playing along with hers.
Flowsephine
26/35. I'm flabbergasted at how our education system managed to find a way to turn something as fascinating as history into a boring slog.
Lemvig42
27/35. Why would anybody buy a bookmark for a dollar when they could use a dollar as a bookmark?
NOTW_116
28/35. People used the cigarette lighter socket to light cigarettes, but now they use it to charge cigarettes.
Kirryu
Can't get enough? Good! More on the next page.
29/35. When we want another's thoughts, we say "penny for your thoughts." When we offer up our own, we say "putting my two cents in." We value our own opinion twice as much.
Conkrad
30/35. Uber should have a senior discount so elderly people wouldn't have to drive if they feel like they can't drive safely.
Delica
31/35. Porn and the WWE are essentially the same. Both feature unrealistic representations of humans taking way longer to accomplish something, in which the acting doesn't matter and the more outrageous the personality, the more popular.
SergeiDiaghilev
32/35. My first instinct when I see an animal is to say "hello", my first instinct when I see a human is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away
Narksdog
33/25. We live in an age where your last words may be an emoticon.
horoshimu
34/35. It is widely accepted that you should have another job lined up before quitting your current job. This same concept does not apply to relationships.
35/35. The person directly in front of you is also the person that is the farthest behind you.
SluffyD
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Redditor Beadiest_Cape wanted to hear the best cuss free insults out there and asked:
“What's the best insult you've heard without swearing?"
Professor burn…
“After getting a compliment on his assignment, A buddy of mine leaned back in his chair and told our college professor, ‘I'm not as dumb as I look.’ To which he leaned forward on his podium and said, ‘You couldnt be.’” dusty_boots
“…and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“One of the best is from Billy Madison, ‘What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’” maswriter
You should apologize…
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don’t die.” WhatThatBoiDoin
“Whenever this question is posted, my favorite is usually along the lines of: ‘There's a tree somewhere in the Amazon jungle with sole purpose of producing oxygen you breathe. You should go find that tree and apologize." all_worth
How low can they go?
“The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel” BlckAlchmst
“That reminds me of one comment i read saying: ‘the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil’.” give_it_a_vodkashot
Series 2 Limbo GIF by BBC ThreeGiphy"Having been born an infant, and realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever." overt-wan-kenobert
“From Casablanca: ‘You probably think pretty poorly of me don't you?’”
"’I would if I gave you any thought’" koiven
These teachers got clap backs for days…
“I had a teacher tell some kid ‘Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.’ He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison.” glib_battling
“I had a guy sit behind me in English class let out of fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said ‘that's the most intelligent thing you've said all year’. Priceless” melbers22
Bob Dylan…
“Bob Dylan: One day, I wish you'd be in my shoes, so you could know... what a drag it is to see you.” WhatDaufuskie
“I was at a karaoke 50th the other night and this one caught my eye. Thankfully I wasn't drunk enough to sing it. But I love this song for its sick burn. Poor old Edie. Bob really gave it to her that time.” crankenfranken
Down the Monty Python rabbit hole…
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!” UpTwoDownOne
“Elderberries were the cheap replacement for grapes in making wine. That is basically ‘your father is a drunk and can't afford the good stuff’.” ukezi
“And hamsters have sex all the time with no regard for monogamy.” draconum_ggg
“So, ‘Your mother is being cheated on but is also a w*ore and you father is a drunk who is also broke’.” EmpanadaDeMayonesa2
Firefly insults…
“‘My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a...middle.’ --Mal Reynolds”
"’It's not that I hate you, exactly; it's just that any admiration I have for you is well under control.’” FlourChild1026
Shakespeare master of insults…
“Straight from Shakespeare ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.” Dundeklil
“Also from Shakespeare: (Fallstaff, after Bardolf calls him fat) ‘Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.’” driving_andflying
Excuse us while we go grab the burn cream.
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Sure, it's depressing, but you know what? Aging happens to all of us, and no one is getting out of here alive.
"What gets worse with age?"
Physical consequences of aging is one of the cruelest things in life.
What The Body Does With Food
"Digestive system."
"Every meal is followed by a poop."
Fighting Gravity
"Bending over to pick a quarter off the ground. Hurts your back, gut and your fingers don't work. That's why there is change all over my floor. ;)"
After A Wild Night
"Hangovers for sure."
"At 18 I could go heavily drink and feel damn near 100% the next day. Now I get horrid mental and physical effects. Probably should quit drinking all together."
When our senses gradually start to fail us, it's yet another reminder of our brief mortality.
Look, See
"eyesight."
"Make sure you get your eye dilated every year and check for cataracts."
See, Hear
"My hearing is on the decline. I don't think it'll go completely, but I did get hearing aids last year."
Deaf GIF by memecandyGiphyThe degeneration of certain abilities as we get older is too much to bear.
Staying Above Water
"My ability to cope. I'm just burnt out all the time."
"I feel the same. Aside from my family and friends, I have no care for anyone or anything anymore. Nothing phases me but that's not a good thing IMO. I feel very apathetic towards everything, I'm tired all the time and just want to lay down."
Counting Sheep
"The ability to sleep through the night."
– dabuku1
"Used to be a world champion sleeper and now 5-6 straight hours is huge. Pretty much wide awake every night at 3am."
Putting Up With People
"Humanity.... The older I get the less I want to deal with people."
Maintaining Friendships
"Friendship - making new friends after your 20s becomes a big struggle, and the newer friendships just aren't the same. You can literally run out of 'lifelong friends' due to death, disease, people growing apart, etc."
– cowanon7
I found as I'm getting older my patience and tolerance for certain things have gotten worse.
Waiting in line at the grocery store while someone fumbles with their payment option, or getting antsy when the food I ordered at the restaurant is taking way too long are things that never bothered me ten years ago.
I"m not curmudgeonly by any means, at least not yet. Besides, I'm not that old.
But to all the cranky elders I grew up with who complained about poor service or lack of efficiency, I get it now, and I hear you.