Women of Reddit were asked: "What was your most awkward moment involving the penis?" These are some of the best answers.
1/22 One time fooling around with my ex boyfriend I went to kind of feel him up through his jeans. I rubbed what I thought was his penis for a few minutes before he noticed and started laughing. I had been rubbing the cell phone in his pocket.
2/22 Shared an awkward penis with my mum once. No, wait, let me explain. I threw my mum a huge birthday party and invited everyone she knew. Still early and with not many drunk yet, my mum had to go to the toilet aaaand. Penis. The door was open and standing inside was our weird neighbour Gustav leering at her, dong in hand. As she's standing there a bit perplexed I come over. I look at her. I look at penis. My mother breaks the silence by saying "Don't forget to wash your hands" and we poker faced it away from there.
3/22 After a handful of circumcised dicks, I encountered my first uncircumcised one and thought to myself "Oh shit, what do I do here?"
Answer: The same thing.
4/22 First time I gave a blowjob, I was a little shocked when he came. I mean, I knew intellectually that he would ejaculate, but I was so focused on the, erm, physical actions, that when spunk suddenly filled my mouth, my thought process was something like: "Huh? Oh. Ohhhh. Right. This is supposed to happen! Excellent, then!"
5/22 I was on my third date with a guy when he went down on me, and in return I treated him to a blowjob. Now I have been told that I give amazing bjs but this was different... for the first ten minutes he was incredibly into it, moaning and smiling, and all the sudden he is gasping for breath telling me to stop. He was pale and sweating profusely and his fist was clenched tightly together, which he said literally he couldn't unclench. Even though he was sweating his entire body was shaking with cold--he said he was freezing--so I had to wrap three blankets around him. He just sat there, this guy I had really just met, with his eyes glazed over, taking jagged breaths, turning green, heart racing, and freaking out because this had never happened to him before. I had to stroke his hair and tell him that it was going to be okay for about 20 minutes while forcing him to drink water before his fist finally unclenched and his breathing got steady. I had asked him multiple times if he wanted me to take him to the hospital, but he refused because he didn't have health insurance.
Nothing like that has happened with the BJs since.
6/22 When I was in high school I was giving a hand job to my then boyfriend under a blanket while we watched a movie in my basement. After a few minutes he suggested I get some lotion to make it a bit easier. In a rush, I ran up to my bedroom and grabbed the first lotion I saw sitting on my dresser. So I get back to business, now with lotion all over my hands. My little sister then comes downstairs with a jar and is like "Can you open this for me?" I had to awkwardly say...."uh no I can't...." So my boyfriend opened it for her and she went back upstairs. A few minutes later he jumps up shouting "ow!!! It feels like my dick is on fire!!" Turns out I had grabbed cinnamon lotion.....this incident is known amongst my friends as the "spicy handjob."
7/22 I was on a third date with some guy, and he asks me "Are you one of those classy chicks that doesn't suck dick?" and I said, "Um, I guess not...?" And when I did...he. f*cking. farted. I could have gotten pink-eye!
8/22 First time I ever encountered a penis in the wild, boyfriend was sitting on the couch and I was reaching for it. I imagined it being like, yaknow, anatomical diagrams, da Vinci's drawings, etc. with the penis hanging between his legs. I was entirely unprepared for seeing that little f*cker staring right back at me. He was hard, so it was pointing upwards. This is logical. I still was not prepared and was honestly really freaked out. I tucked it right back into his pants and we watched a movie. I had to work up my courage to actually touch it next time.
Oh, past self, y u so silly.
9/22 A dude jerked off while looking right at me on the train once. That was pretty awkward.
10/22 While my very first boyfriend in high school and I were fooling around, he unzipped his pants, my eyes went wide (my very first time seeing a penis)...and my mom walked into the room. I grabbed the nearest pillow, threw it over his bare penis and -- to this day I will never know why -- slammed down my fist. My mom asked, "Watching anything good?" and I responded, "These people on Judge Judy are ridiculous!" and he just nodded, groaned, as my mom smiled and disappeared.
11/22 Gawd. I was examining a patient when I worked on the peds floor as a nurses assistant. 10 year old boy, I'm emptying his piss bag (he had a catheter, awesome job right?) Anyways, it was night and he freaked out and jumped out of bed... I froze and held onto the bag...that was attached to his dick a little too long. I've never felt so horrible in my life.
12/22 One time after sex I started to get an extremely painful abdominal cramp. It was worse than any of my period cramps had ever been in my life. For a while I was just writhing in pain on the bed completely naked not really understanding what was going on, and he had no idea what to do. At one point I ended up crawling naked to the bathroom because I thought I might vomit. Finally he decided to WebMD it and the most logical explanation was blunt trauma to the cervix.
13/22 My ex and I were cam models. We were taken into private by an individual who wanted me to deepthroat him. Now we had been drinking red wine all night and even with a mostly inactive gag reflex, I was starting to sweat. I'm bobbing up and down taking as much in as I can when all of the sudden...F*CK. I feel the some wine come up while he's fully in my mouth.
Now, I'm on the clock making money by the minute so I can't just quit, turn to the camera and tell the guy watching "Sorry but I puked on his dick so we're going to have to end this a little early". So I do something I never thought I'd do in my entire life and swallowed it back down while I bobbed my head back up.
After all was said and done, my boyfriend asks "Did you puke on my dick?" "Yes....yes I did."
14/22 The first time I ever saw a penis or attempted to give a blow job, I was with my high school boyfriend. This was also his first time receiving a blow job, so as I inched towards his dick with my mouth wide open, he came all over my face. I hadn't even made mouth-to-penis contact yet.
15/22 One time I was blowing a guy, and he was about to cum and he yells, "IT'S THE LAST LEG OF THE RACE!!!!" I had no idea what to do, so I kept going and he finished then I told him to take me home. Never really talked to him after that.
16/22 Could not find it. Given, it was hidden in his boxers....but...I should have felt something, right? Right? WHERE WAS HIS PENIS?!
I awkwardly just rubbed his crotch...zone, and ended up getting some moans of pleasure. But really? Did not realize I was making contact with anything significant.
17/22 Okay, well I was a virgin for a very looonngg time, so my first time seeing a penis in person was during an anatomy class.... Based on diagrams I had seen of the internal anatomy, which showed the testes as two separate entities residing in (what appeared to be) their own sacs, I was operating under the assumption that there were two scrotal sacs. Begin awkward moment. We were dissecting the genital region, and the males on my team were unwilling to take a scalpel to that area on another man. So I was designated to be the dissector of the day. I start pulling out the scrotal sac, and find only one. Confused, I looked up at the guys and said (I shit you not), "I think he has a fused scrotum. He only has one sac." One of them leaned in, with a patient look on his face, and informed me, "That is normal." The rest of the guys just turned their back on me and shook silently with laughter. I was mortified... and that was my most awkward moment involving the penis.....
18/22 When a BJ turned into my jaw becoming locked open and having to go to the ER because of that. I was in college at the time, and my parents footed the bill. I will never tell them what it was for.
19/22 The first time I met with an uncircumcised penis. It wasn't fully up, and I made the mistake of assuming I could just go down on it like with a circumcised one, and didn't bother to pull the skin back. First off, that was the squishiest experience of my life. Second, it was the opposite of fun for him, and counterproductive. It killed the mood completely, me sucking on his extra skin a little too enthusiastically.
20/22 My ex boyfriend stuck it in my belly button. I was like what the f*ck are you doing. So awkward.
21/22 Cuddling in bed during the first few months with my (now) fiance.... Playing with his cock, I spread the urethra hole slightly and made it talk with a French accent. I tried to make it sing songs, but he was not amused and quickly put a stop to my fascinated fun.
Not awkward as much as incredibly hilarious... for me.
22/22 Once I was with a very nice man making out and he asked me if I liked them large. I said, "Sure!" thinking perhaps it was a bit over average. What he had in his pants was a damn python, it was huge. I was so caught off guard I actually said, "What the hell do you feed that thing, small birds?" He turned purple and I realized he was actually trying to warn me since the first time we chatted online and I had unintentionally upset a very nice man.
Later he told me a few girls had actually screamed and ran away, which I'm inclined to believe.
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