I own a lot of books and DVDs so it's not likely anyone thinks I'm anything other than a dude who loves to read a lot and watch plenty of movies. Or an introvert. (I'm not.)
But who knew things like baby formula could raise such suspicion? (Yes, you read that correctly.)
I clearly have a lot to learn about the world––and so do you!––thanks to Redditor your_divorced_mom, who asked the online community, "What innocent item gets too suspicious if you own too much of it?"
"Once I saw a couple..."
Once i saw a couple who were clearly on meth buying a shit ton of baby formula at the grocery store. At the time I was like, that's sad, they have a kid and they can't breastfeed it because they're on drugs. Maybe a week later I saw a post on Facebook about how many drugs are cut with baby formula, which is why it's a high risk item for large scale retail theft.
So, baby formula.
For me water. My neighbors had well water and would dry up. They asked if they could run a hose and put it in there well they would pay what was owed. Did this alot last summer no big deal they paid. Then they bought a big above ground pool. Filled it for them they always paid my part was always around the same so I wasn't bent out of shape. One day the water meter guy knocked with an officer wanting to know why I was using so much water. I explained showed the many hoses to reach my neighbors and they were there to help explain. They explained to me that much water usage was throwing a red flag. So they were sent out to investigate to make sure no marijuana growing was happening.
"When I go buy..."
I live in methville. When I go to buy pure lye (I make artisan soaps), I always make sure to say "for soap-making." Even so, I still get funny looks sometimes.
"I worked at..."
I worked at a pool supply store. They sell an extra strong peroxide as an alternative to chlorine. Idk why but we had to report large purchases to the FBI.
Reported this guy after we used his customer info to search his address on google earth. It was rural and had a few different outbuildings. Seemed sketchy.
FBI got back to us a few weeks later. He was using the chemical to clean animal skulls he bought from a slaughterhouse. Then he carved the skulls and sold them. The FBI lady said he showed her his whole process and it was pretty impressive.
I saw a TIFU post about a guy who bought a bunch of pressure cookers on sale to give to friends as gifts. Turned out that set off some anti-terrorism flags. So I'm gonna go with pressure cookers.
"A guy we know..."
A guy we know hordes them because he thinks if the government collapses they will become a hot commodity that he can use to trade. I'm talking a shed full of boxes. ALL KINDS.
Unbeknownst to him menstrual cups exist. And rags.
"When I was in undergrad..."
When I was in undergrad, me and my two friends lived together in a house. Whenever we saw a yard sale, we'd stop and buy any reasonably priced clocks. We'd then hang the clocks on the walls of the house in asymmetrical places, and we'd leave them on whatever time they were at even if they were dead. So our house had nearly a hundred clocks after 4 years, all of which said different times and several of which made faint ticking sounds.
My roommate who was the least enthused about this decor would wake up after a particularly drunk night hung over as hell and just scream angrily "WHAT F***ING TIME IS IT?" As he walked from room to room.
Anyway, when we moved out, we had our own yard sale with ONLY clocks for sale. People thought we were freaks but we sold about half of them. Sometimes I still hear the unsynchronized clicking today when I lay down at night and close my eyes.
Ziploc bags. They're standard in most households, but if you've got dozens of boxes you're either selling drugs or something illegal.
"You have one..."
You have one cardboard cutout and it's a novelty decoration, but you have a room full of them and it gets a little weird.
"I saw a woman..."
I saw a woman loading 20 crates of bananas into the back of her ancient minivan today. That was weird.
"What makes someone bad in bed?"
WHERE TO BEGIN?!
The list is endless.
Half the time all it takes to be better is a little effort.
"What makes someone bad in bed?"
I love sex. But it can be stressful. I've always found connection to be one of the best lessons.
CommunicationsGIF by HULUGiphy
Take it Slow
"No foreplay and not caring if your partner is enjoying it."
"Proposing mid intercourse."
Talk to Me
"Friction isn’t always a good thing."
YuckBored Larry Bird GIF by SB NationGiphy
"To this you can add unclipped fingernails."
"And dirty fingernails. Nah, ma'am. I’m betting this is not worth the infection. Thanks."
‘good at sex’
FlavorsAmanda Seales Wow GIF by truTVGiphy
Sex. Let's be better at it.
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Love is so elusive these days isn't it?
Who knows what anyone is looking for in the relationship department anymore.
It's all too exhausting.
But people we keep trying.
"Why are you single right now?"
I'm single because I've given up. And I'm good. For now.
PeaceSnoop Dogg Reaction GIFGiphy
"I put absolutely no effort into meeting someone."
"Hard to meet people when you are a hermit."
"I have too many unsolved issues, i can't in good conscience bring someone else into them."
truthCaptain America Lol GIF by mtvGiphy
"Supply chain issue."
"Best answer here."
That's funny. But it feels oddly true.
Ahhh...Think Winnie The Pooh GIFGiphy
"I'm attracted to many, and unattractive to all."
Bad LoopSeth Meyers Whatever GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"Because my relationships end before they even begin."
"This is my story right here."
Alright. Now that we've laid out all the excuses, let's get to matching with some people.
There is no bigger mystery than what happens to us after we die.
"If heaven exists, what’s the first thing you’d do?"
Overcome with joy
"In all reality?"
"If Heaven exists, like 50% of the awesomeness is just the very fact that it exists."heaven gate GIF by South Park Giphy
A re-match long in the making
"Ask my childhood friend Kevon for a race."
"He used to beat me handily when were younger (9-13) and he’d always brag."
"When I got older and faster I moved away so I was never able to race him again."
"I wanna race him both in our prime."- Abethegreat1
Reunite with loved ones
"Find my husband, give him a huge hug and never let go again."
"Live our forever together."
"I f*cking love him and miss him so much."- jessdfrench
"Embrace my sweet wife and tell her how proud I am of the kids."- RifleShower
"Try to find my brother."
"Man, I miss him."
"He died in 2020 at age 34."- grummlinds1
"Give my mum and dad a big hug."- goonerjack007Miss U GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsGiphy
Achieve the "firsts" we never got to do
"Find my son and have a beer with him."
"Something we never got to do in real life."- tanukis_parachute
Hone new skills
"Try to play Smoke on the water on my harp."- Ashtar-the-Squid
The joy of doing nothing
"Rest."- BanzaikoowaidCare Free Black Girls GIF by AuroraDrawsGiphy
Live on without pain
"Enjoy my healthy back without pain."- Knackbein_
Who knows what's in store for us after our lives come to an end.
But the first word in that term can be misleading.
Indeed, some "fun facts" reveal information that isn't remotely "fun" in the slightes.
What's a 'fun fact' that isn’t fun at all?"
Ironically, something you likely don't think about...
"Your brain blocks you from feeling your organs moving around inside you."- Aydengeist06
Try watching Finding Nemonow...
"Only one in a thousand sea turtles born actually make it to adulthood."- Sebs_123
Shocking new light on an age old classic
"In the books, Stuart Little was never explicitly called a mouse."
"He's pretty much described as a deformed mouse-esque person born form human parents."- Red_Beard47stuart little mouse GIF by VIASAT3Giphy
Nature running it's course...
"There's a bird that feeds its younger offspring to the eldest."- Teacup_Cult
I have no allergies... yet
"Not very fun."- smallemochick
Those poor, innocent creatures.
They'd still be here if they weren't so delicious...
"Giant tortoise meat was supposedly better tasting than chicken."
"It's fat tasted better spread on bread than butter."
"Not to mention, because they evolved without humans, they were easy to hunt."
"You could tie one to your back, and roll another to the ship and they would just let you."
"Conversely, the dodo, while as easily captured by sailors, tasted awful."
"It was completely unpalatable."
Don't forget the nose plugs
"Antarctica smells like penguin poop."
"Antarctica is a desert, it is too cold for bacteria to live."
"Nothing there to clean up penguin droppings."
"If you are close enough to see penguins, you will also smell them."- gummby8
Makes those long lines so worth it...
"The TSA missed 96% of contraband during an inspection in 2015."- omegasix321All Falls Down Tsa GIF by Kanye WestGiphy
Oh yeah, probably not....