When we purchase the latest hi-tech gadgets, we tend to toss aside the accompanying reading materials like the terms and conditions.
Or when it comes to signing a new lease for an apartment, some of us immediately scroll to the dotted line to leave our John Hancock without reading all of the fine print.
Whether they're contracts or literature that come with purchased products, do we ever really bother to read the detailed policies?
In an era of instant gratification, who has the time? But what we really should be asking is, what are we missing out on?
For those who do practice their due diligence, they may find some fascinating information – and in some cases, are rewarded for it.
Curious about what others have found while perusing through the nitty gritty, Redditor Dunnaghlasman asked:
"People who read the Terms and Conditions of things, what weird things did you see?"
Toxic Paint
"PPG (paint company) does not allow their paint to be used on terrorist, biohazard or nuclear facilities."
– lsellati
Sign First, Discuss Later
"I was asked to sign a petition for something that I generally was in agreement with, until I read the last part of it, that read something like, 'the chairman of the committee reserves the right to change the wording of this petition.'"
"So it was like, 'sign here, and we'll figure out what you signed later.'"
Java Restriction
"You cannot use the Java programming language to control a nuclear reactor."
busch beer no GIF by BuschGiphyWindows Limitation
"I read the terms and conditions for either Windows 95 or the Windows 98 upgrade. Somewhere buried deep in the middle was a warning that the operating system should not be used to operate a nuclear power plant. I'm assuming it was a joke because it was an individually licensed product rather than a corporate license, and if they were serious about it, I would think that warning would be at the top!"
Beware of Hacks
"For no reason at all I read them for a PlayStation Network update. About the 7th page in, it stated that I would be 'relinquishing my wallet and all funds within.' I didn't update but just assumed it was fancy legal talk(mind you I was in my late teens) so I didn't report it. 3 days later I found out that the update was a hack and thousands had their information stole of their PlayStation accounts."
Double Whammy
"My daycare's release form had a clause saying that by signing, I was giving them permission to take my kids to Canada. Canada is a day's drive away and there is absolutely no reason they would ever need to take my kids there. I crossed it off before signing."
"My mortgage documents included a clause that says that, if I ever get sued, they have the right to accelerate the loan and demand payment of the entire remaining balance. It doesn't matter if the law suit is meritorious. Just getting sued can lead to acceleration."
The Tesla Ownership Explained
"Tesla, (and to various extents, other anti-right-to-repair companies like Mercedes, Apple, John Deere, etc.) hold that their products are intellectual property and cannot be owned by customers, instead claiming that they are effectively leased to buyers."
"Tesla has on on multiple occasions (illegally) disabled features of cars being sold used because of this."
Posthumous Debts
"On my apartment rent agreement, there was one part that basically said: If you (the renter) dies then your family is responsible for paying the rest of the rent left on your contract."
Proper Noun
"Accordingly to Photoshop ToS, you can't use Photoshop as a verb and must say 'edited with Photoshop' or similar instead of 'Photoshopped.' In Spanish it's common to use it as a verb, 'photoshoppear.'"
– Bitomic
The Canadian Obstacle
"I'm an auto mechanic, I regularly purchase tools from tool trucks. Sometimes there's little giveaways if you spend x amount you get this scratch off ticket that could win you something blah blah."
"One time I was reading the fine print at the bottom, usual legalese stuff then the last line cracked me up - said something like 'residents of Canada will be required to complete a series of mathematical questions in order to claim their prize.'"
"What the hell did Canada do to require being punished to win a prize?"
Reading Has Rewards
"The terms and conditions for the rewards card at the grocery store I worked had 'if you've actually taken the time to read this, please email (email) with this code and the pin for your card for $500 in rewards points.'"
"And it actually did, then I started getting a new card every other month or so. Then they changed who the rewards program was with."
Dead Serious
"The company I work for has emergency store closure procedures for in case of a zombie outbreak."
"When I discovered it I laughed and asked my boss why they put this joke in with all these serious guidelines. She was dead serious when she explained that this was a real procedure and you honestly never know. I thought she was messing with me. Apparently, I never noticed it printed in out backroom. It's required to be printed and posted in the backroom of all the company's stores."
The Gym Contract
"I read the terms and conditions before joining a gym. It said the only reason you could cancel your membership is if you moved out of the area or got injured and had a note from a doctor. Otherwise, you had to give 30 days' notice and pay 3 additional months' worth of fees. I did not join."
Canada's Got Talent ... and All Eyes On You
"I considered auditioning for the first season of Canada's Got Talent. I got the contract for auditions and read the fine print."
"'You will pay your own room, board and travel. You agree to being on camera 24/7. We can listen to your private phone calls. We can enter your room at any time to check on you and record it.'"
"I noped out of that audition fast."
– jenskal
Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphyBodily Fluids
"I read the warranty for my motherboard once. It said it does not cover damage from bodily fluids including urine and vomit."
In Case of an Apocalypse
"One of my old jobs said that if there was ever a contagion that resulted in people losing their minds and acting like violent, mindless, swarming animals (i.e. zombies or infected) then we would be expected to hide in bunkers, rescue our clients and not kill anyone."
S&D Chat
Spybot S&D asks that you send the devs beer money.
Is that still around? Haven't used it in forever.
Also, I'm on mobile and too lazy to Google. I got more of this thread to read first and I'll probably forget about this before I'm done.
Apple Law
You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear, missiles, or chemical or biological weapons.
This is from the Terms and Conditions for Apple's iTunes.
For references: https://www.apple.com/legal/internet-services/itunes/us/terms.html
To the Cinema
Ts and Cs for a cinema in the UK. After purchasing a ticket and choosing your seat/seats the cinema doesn't guarantee you the seats you have chosen will be available and you are encouraged to find a different seat if the one on your ticket is taken.
Alls not Wells
You can always trust Wells Fargo to serve up some real bull crap. This article shows where they screwed some people in their mortgage terms and conditions, and also briefly mentions their debit card scam.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/14/business/wells-fargo-loan-mortgage.html
Well this is getting some attention so I'll just leave this old gem here as well:
READ FIRST
paid pay day GIFGiphySo I know a few years back there was a report of a dude who read through the whole thing and actually earned a cash prize for reading it in the fine print.
I don't know the exact details. not even sure if its true or not but maybe someone has evidence.
WoW
WordWeb free version may be used indefinitely only by people who take at most two commercial flights (not more than one return flight) in any 12 month period. People who fly more than this need to purchase the Pro version if they wish to continue to use it after a 30-day trial period. que_pedo_wey
Shady Terms
It's probably best to actually read them, but I really like using this site where they essentially provide you a TL;DR of terms & conditions from popular websites. They also grade sites on how shady their terms may be.
EULA
There was a Windows update about 15-20 years ago that had a clause buried in the EULA that you agree not to release any benchmarking figures. What really sticks in my mind though is that I used to submit a lot of stories to Slashdot at the time, and for some reason they wouldn't report that. Weird.
Listen to Aesop
This isn't quite the same, but when I was a kid I had a really cool, creepy picture book that was a satire of Aesop's fables called Squids Will Be Squids, with morals like "if someone calls and asks where your mother is, don't tell them she is out getting her moustache bleached" etc etc. Anyway, one day I was reading the small print publication stuff you get in the front of every book and there's a note from the author's in it about why nobody ever reads that page, with the moral that "you should always read the small print." Which of course I now do (for books at least), although tbf there has yet to be a payoff as good as that one.
Steamed....
morning steam GIFGiphyTechnically Steam owns any and all games that you "purchase" from them. What you purchase is basically a copy of one of their games, and they reserve the right to access your library and do whatever.
because they can
Discord's Terms of Service are worded in such a way that they can literally say whatever they want is a breach of contract on a whim.
Discord can decide you have broken the Term's of Service however they so choose. You can have an entire server dedicated to something harmless, say, puppy photos, and they have the capacity to do whatever it is their punishments and sanctions propose because they can.
Save the fur babies....
I have dog shampoo that says "this product not tested on animals." But why not? How do you know it works?? Purposely putting cosmetics in an animal's eyes, or forcing them to ingest it or whatever is cruel and unnecessary. But how are you supposed to know that this dog shampoo is a safe and effective way to clean a dog if you've never tested it by using it to wash a dog??
Sinner
Not really a TOS, but the old Doom II for DOS had this screen saying that if you pirated the game, you would go to hell. It would show up after you exit the game. The first Doom also had a similar screen, lol
Reasonable?
I think in my country there is a general law that terms and conditions must be "reasonable" so that conditions like "giving away your first born" does not apply anyway.
Trouble is, reasonable means whatever you can convince a jury and or judge is reasonable. So it comes down to who has better lawyers i.e more money.
Buried Deep
glow treasure chest GIF by gfaughtGiphyI was searching for a web host for my website and found a discount code buried in the content policy. It was pretty neat, even if they were the kind of place that has at least 3 discounts available at a time.
The Rip-off....
Not exactly weird but when I was buying my car insurance they asked if I had been in any previous accidents (I was) and if I was at fault (I was not). Said rates would only go up if the accident was my fault. Okay cool. So at the end when I'm looking everything over, I notice in the fine print that it says any accidents are automatically considered the driver's fault unless proven otherwise... so I send them an email and ask.
Basically they said I'd have to purchase the policy, THEN contact them with the proof that I wasn't at fault for the accident. So I bought the policy, went to my state's DMV website to get the accident report, and email it to the insurance company- one week later I get "refunded" about 1/5 of the policy cost credited to my account. I wonder how many people they've ripped off.
Um No....
Once I installed an App, I think it was a game, asked me to edit, add, delete or format everything from my google drive.
NOPE.
The same app had other horrible terms with other apps, like with Facebook, or Instagram (basically buy your personal info from Mark).
G-suite and everything.
It was when I was setting up android work profile (The high school I'm attending rn issued us emails that route the emails through their servers) for online school. G-suite and everything. I couldn't rlly avoid the work profile thing cuz android wanted me to set it up.
Enough with context here.
I downloaded google device policy to set this up and I saw, and I quote.
"Administrators on this domain can have access to any and all data on your phone."
I was like, Hell no! They do random phone searches of the students already why give them full access!?
I then decided to do the online class stuff on my computer and do it web-based instead of giving them full access to my phone.
Lunar Terms
Beopen Aeropex GIF by AfterShokzGiphyApple's terms and conditions have plenty of jokes in them. They even made one about faking the moon landing.
Having a ToS
The school app for a district I worked in had a ToS that essentially said that I agreed to their accessing anything on my phone or deleting what they choose, as well as using anything they find on my phone as evidence against me if they so choose to.access any other apps, documents, downloads, photos, etc... Co-workers said I was being paranoid, but the ToS for the same app in a different district had no such notation, so I don't know.
Giving Permission
These are a few paraphrased versions of what I had to sign in order to live on campus at my university:
I give my school permission to charge me legal fees that have nothing to do with me. They also say everyone I know has given up the right to sue the school. They can kick me out at anytime with little warning, and if I do not leave with in a few days I have to pay a +$100 fee. They are not responsible for working amenities such as water. I am aware the school does not own there own dorms, even though the office that handles room and board claims otherwise.
League-of-Legends
Don't remember the exact wording, but some League-of-Legends-type game included this whole paragraph about how, by installing this software, you authorize us to monitor every process on your computer, including but not limited to keystrokes, active programs, some of their memory, browser tabs, open files and potentially their contents, and send that info back, at all times, even if the game wasn't running.
Safe to assume I did not click agree, and managed to live life having never played that game.
Til 2024
I found out our five year contract for argon gas automatically renews if we don't cancel 365 days before the end date. A salesman was fired from the company and told me I should read the very fine print. One year in and we sent our our cancellation form for 2024.
take the spirit....
wes craven ral GIFGiphyGamestation (an old video game store in the UK) had an immortal soul clause. They own thousands of peoples souls!
https://bit-tech.net/news/gaming/pc/gamestation-we-own-your-soul/1/
On the Menu
I read ingredients at back of the container (shampoo,creams,food etc) because I don't have anything better to do. But I know how they scam people. Read the ingredients people.
Sign Off Please
You agree by signing this contract to have your personal information including but not limited to, photographs, public information, address and email to be shared with third parties that may not be disclosed to you.
This was to allow a company I engaged with to send me regular products for testing and giving feedback on prior to going on the open market.
The ReadMe File
Not quite Terms & Conditions, but an old-school PC space simulator game from 1995 called Tachyon: The Fringe had a unique ReadMe file. At the bottom of the ReadMe file is a few words of congratulations, and a set of coordinates for a fat stack of space cash for the late game.
Set in Stone
that's all folks GIFGiphyThat even if you haven't read the terms and conditions you still agree to them. This is pretty common for websites where they are buried in the site, but by going to the homepage you've automatically agreed to them.
Reddit Says...
Reddit TOS:
WHILE REDDIT ATTEMPTS TO MAKE YOUR ACCESS TO AND USE OF OUR SERVICES SAFE, WE DO NOT REPRESENT OR WARRANT THAT OUR SERVICES OR SERVERS ARE FREE OF VIRUSES OR OTHER HARMFUL COMPONENTS.
It's not weird in a way that it shouldn't be there, just unexpected.
Also not reddit afaik, but a lot of ToS tell they have the right to give certain of your information to companies and Google is ALWAYS there.
Oh and if anyone uses one of those Do Not Track signals, companies don't give a crap about that and say that in other words in their privacy policies.
Left Without Power
I'm taking a cyberlaw and ethics course and this has been a focal point of the class. Terms and conditions leave you basically Powerless and unable to hold companies liable. There were terms and conditions on a site that literally said by accepting the terms, you would give them your first born child. Granted I believe it was a joke or experiment to see how long they could leave it in there unnoticed.
Amazon still sucks.
Not me, but when my sister was applying for a warehouse job at Amazon, she spotted a section that stated that Amazon owned all the rights for all intellectual property and products created by the employee for an indefinite amount of time even after leaving the job. In another section, there was something saying that you couldn't say anything bad about the company online or in private, again, for an indefinite amount of time even after leaving the job. Amazon still sucks.
Want my blood too....
We were interested in purchasing a house, and sent the Contract of Sale to our conveyancer as a final 'rubber stamp' before signing.
They quickly got back to us, pointing out a clause buried in the Contract. It said that we agree to forfeiting our cooling off period and all 'subject to building/pest/structural inspection' rights, and that we agreed we must proceed with the purchase no matter what. Even if the house was rotted with termites, or the vendor had blatantly hid some structural fault, they could legally 'force' us to proceed with the purchase.
The conveyancer said that the vendor's legal firm had a reputation of putting these hidden nasties in their Contracts, so she knew to scrutinize every word as soon as she saw their name on it.
Needless to say, we didn't proceed with the purchase.
Good Education
A lot of chrome extensions give the developer access to your drive. This is an issue for many education extensions during remote learning. I successfully stopped my school from using one platform over another due to this issue as well.
You're Still a Feast
fail april fools day GIF by CheezburgerGiphyI read the waiver at an indoor paintball place one time. It covered everything you'd think it would cover, but that wasn't all. Insect bites and stings. Attacks from wild animals "such as bears, etc" (yes, it specified bears), and dangers such as guides incorrectly navigating rapids.
All of these things were covered.
For paintball.
Indoors.
The experience did not live up to what the waiver implied.
Is Thou Art?
In this app called PopJam in the TOS it says that the developers can freely use any art you post on the app. Kinda screwed me up for a while but I saw some user's art on the appstore banners (with the users in question credited) so it probably just means that they can "show it off" without per but still-
Always be sure to read the fine print or do a quick Google search to make sure you're not selling away your soul... or your voice.
Do you have anything to add? Let us know in the comments below.
One of the lamest ways to insult someone is by describing their behavior as being gay.
The attempt at emasculating a perceived straight heterosexual male by comparing his actions to something that a homosexual male might do is a common form of mockery by alpha males.
Examples include mocking a guy who gets manicures, wears pink, or sits with his legs crossed. "Gay, gay gay," says the immature antagonizer.
Typically, the ribbing occurs between friends and is not prompted by verbal attacks.
Still, this casual form of bullying can be tiresome and only perpetuates misconceptions and stereotypes that can be harmful to the LGBTQ+ community.
Strangers online shared their experiences being targeted when Redditor Spagoobli0 asked:
"What is the dumbest thing people called you gay for?"
Apparently, maintaining good hygiene is so gay.
Being Clean
"i was called gay for showering daily."
– ilive4manass
"with other men?"
– intheken
Scrubbing The Backside
"I was told it was gay to wash my a**. The guy was recently evicted for defecating on his own floor for 6 months and not paying taxes."
– my-recent-throwaway
Pro-Tip
"In boot camp we shower with other dudes. I had someone call me gay in the shower for washing my a**. As if the only reason for washing my a** is to make it presentable for someone else. Nah, dude, I just don’t want skid marks in the tighty whities they make us wear."
"It’s not even like I was doing it weird. Like if I was bent over spreading my cheeks so everyone could see my brown eye, that would be one thing. But I literally just took a handful of suds and ran it down the crack a couple times because, pro tip to my fellow dudes; the water running down your back is not enough to clean the part of you that poop comes out of."
– Morningxafter
Lotion Up
"I once had a friend of mine stop by before we were going to meet some people for brunch. I had just taken a shower and gotten dressed when he walked in the front door (I always had a just walk in policy, suburban life). I have pretty dry skin so I was putting on a bit of moisturizing lotion. First words out of his mouth were 'moisturizing? That’s pretty gay isn’t it?' I said 'If feeling like I don’t want to scrape my skin off is gay, whip out the d*cks!'”
– bg-j38
Keeping up with appearances is hard enough.
The Damaging Effects
"'Gay' was the first 'dis' I ever heard, I had no idea what it meant for like a year. I just knew it was the worst thing to be. My whole generation struggled with that and I really feel for the people who had to come out to friends and family when I was young, it must have been really tough. I came out as bi about 6 or 7 years ago and that was pretty brutal, and the only reason I came out was because something happened that made it clear I was. Tbh it was f'king humiliating and awful at the time, it really f'ked with my head and my self worth. I am totally, 100% ok with it now, in fact I'm kind of proud I have the balls to tell people I'm bi now. It's become who I am and I'm ok with it.
"Just to be clear I've never had an issue with anybody being gay, at all. It's just for me it was a really difficult thing to deal with. Extremely personal. A lifetime of unconsciously being told gay was 'bad' has an effect on me, I wish it didn't but the truth is it did. I have mad respect for all openly gay and trans people."
– NitroD*ckclapp
Revealing Color Choice
"Had a guy genuinely ask if I was gay because I was wearing a red pair of Vans."
– LemonMan589
"Maybe he was cruising."
– InverseRatio
List Of Indicators
"I was a child in the 80s. Calling people gay was standard derogatory talk for checks notes literally everything. Bad play in sport, choice of clothes, hobby, etc."
– f_ranz1224
The Hopscotcher
"I was called gay for about 6 months in middle school for jumping down a hopscotch thing as I walked past it after lunch."
– Sado_Hedonist
What happens in the bedroom...
Going Down
"Like giving oral sex to my wife. Will never understand that."
– Beenthere-doneit55
"Fellas, is it gay to go down on a woman?"
– raveturned
"I view it selfishly. It combines the two two things I love the most, eating and having sex. If that makes me gay, so be it."
– Beenthere–doneit55
Flawed Logic
"They think if you'll do down on your wife you'll go down on a guy?"
"How would the two even translate??"
– WillieOverall
Even before I came out to my friends as gay, being called anti-gay slurs–even in jest–only suppressed my inclination to want to share my truth.
One of the things I've been mocked for during high school pre-coming out was my love for Disney.
The girls had no problem sharing my passion, but the jocks made fun of me for wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt to school, saying I was a "sissy boy" for liking Disney and that only "f*ggots" liked Disney.
Now, I know plenty of demographics–gay and straight, all ethnicities–that universally appreciate Disney. But I have to say, good on them for being accurate in knowing who I was before I did: a proud f*ggot who loves Disney.
All of us have surprising or unusual things people do that turn us on.
These can be simple things, like washing dishes, reaching for something on a high shelf, or pouring a drink which, whether it's the person doing it or the act itself, turns out to be surprisingly sexy.
Rather more interesting, however, are the things people do that draw us to them that aren't remotely sexy at all, but in fact completely wholesome.
Even so, seeing people do these things, or behave in this manner still has the same power to make us fall completely weak at the knees and melt our hearts.
Redditor levoyageursansbagage was curious to hear all of the innocent things that people find utterly alluring, leading them to ask:
"What is the most wholesome behavior you find really attractive?"
Excitement Can Be Infectious
"When people get really excited over something they enjoy."- BoiledCabbage
"Being genuinely excited about something."
"I love me a nerd."- Howdydobe
Loving All Living Things
"It was really hot and little rain for a couple of weeks and we have backyard critters roaming around typical of the suburbs."
"So my wife puts a big Tupperware bowl of water out that she changes daily in case an animal gets thirsty."
"I was looking at it one day and a stick had fallen in the bowl so I went to remove it."
"My wife yells at me, 'No! Don't take the stick out, that's so bees can crawl out if they fall in'."
"I thought it was adorable."- yakfsh1
Honey Bee Loop GIF by Kev LaveryGiphyTruly Unforgettable
"When someone remembers a really random small detail I’ve only mentioned once."- Starriyer
Compassion Over Convenience
"Doing the right thing even when it’s inconvenient."
"I was on a date and he took a call from a friend in crisis."
"They worked the problem out and he said 'I love you' to his friend (who said it back)."
"He explained he needed to take the call and apologized that it happened during the date."
"No apology necessary!"
"He demonstrated loyalty and vulnerability and it was incredibly sexy."
"Even better that it’s just who he is; none of it was for show."- Hiberniae
"When someone helps old people."
"Maybe getting up to give their seat to them in a public bus or in general, helping them carry their heavy bags, or something."- itsMat_hi_ka
"When a person knows the right time to simply listen to someone in distress and the right time to offer advice."- Old_Army90
GiphyThe Greatest Love Of All...
"My husband will run around playing games with our son in the playground and will fully commit to whatever game that is.'
"There's no standing around talking to the adults, he will get fully involved in the make-believe world."
"10/10, fully present parenting."- Ambivertigo
The Gift Of Laughter
"People that make themselves crack up."
"People with their particular and weird little sense of humor that unashamedly laugh at what they think is so funny."
"Extra points if they’re laughing because of a joke they’re telling themselves."
"It’s my favorite thing to see someone do."
"As long as the joke doesn’t seriously hurt other people."
"I love good dark humor."
"If someone’s genuinely trying to be hateful, it loses appeal completely."- tresjoliesuzanne
"When I'm with my wife at a restaurant and the baby in the next booth is staring at her, she will wave to the baby and make funny faces to get the kid to smile/giggle."
"That."- SadConsequence8476
happy baby lol GIF by TheMacnabsGiphyHeal The World...
"I went backpacking with my boyfriend for the first time recently and I noticed that anytime we came across a little piece of trash on the trail, he would pick it up and put it in his pocket to throw away properly at the first opportunity."
"It just highlighted to me that he was conscientious and kind even when it came to things a lot of people would overlook, and I found that incredibly attractive."- snickerdoodle--
Happiness Comes In Many Forms
"Seeing a man be genuinely happy for someone else, I recently discovered this about myself."- West_Cherry3944
Literal Food For Thought
"A friend of mine has this habit of making sure that everyone around her has eaten on time."
"'A well fed tummy makes the brain think properly'."
"That's her exact words."- in_out_in_out_·
Food Cooking GIF by MasterChefAUGiphyNo One Should Take Themselves Too Seriously
"Silliness, the sillier the hotter."- Fearless-Finish9724·
The Epitome Of Selfless
"My husband grew up extremely poor."
"Not homeless but close."
"Whenever we're out and we see someone asking for food, he will quietly walk over and take them to whatever restaurant they want."
"He will then order them whatever they want."
"When we met, he was in grad school and had no money."
"He still did this."
"It made me swoon."- curryp4n
Reading these heartwarming and touching affirmations, it does give one pause that kindness and compassion are considered so unusual.
Even so, no doubt that's what makes selfless, and kind-hearted people so attractive.
With so many couples walking up the aisle—and then sprinting to the courthouse—there’s no shortage of wacky divorce stories. No one knows that better than these divorce lawyers. From hidden fortunes to stuffed animal collections, divorce lawyers have seen it all. Attorney-client privilege or not, these stories are just too insane not to share…
Ashes To Ashes
round grey stainless steel saucer on brown wooden surfacePhoto by Brooks Rice on UnsplashI had a husband and wife go toe-to-toe over an ashtray they got in Las Vegas. The couple spent nearly $5,000 for me and another attorney to duke it out in court over the silly trinket. Prior to proceeding, I explained that it would be cheaper to fly me to Vegas and get an identical ashtray. The husband said he didn't care about the costs—and his reasons were deeply malicious.
It turns out that the husband had other intentions for their marriage memorabilia. When he won, he smashed the ashtray on the steps of the courthouse. He laughed and said the look on his wife’s face was worth much more than $2,500. People get crazy in divorce proceedings.
Until The Grave Do Us Part
I wouldn't recommend it, but one of the best ways to stick it to your ex is to kick the can during a messy divorce. In my client's case, the court had orally declared a couple to be divorced. Sadly, before they could finalize the official paperwork, the husband went to his grave. The courts spent two years figuring out how to proceed and made a divisive decision…
The court decided that the wife had to divide everything 50/50 with her deceased husband. And to think, if he had passed two weeks sooner, she would have avoided years of court hearings, thousands in fees, and kept everything for herself.
I’ll Never Let You Go…To The Marriott Hotel
My aunt has been divorced for quite some time, but you wouldn’t know it. She’s still driving her attorney crazy with her requests. Most recently, she took her ex-husband to court. Her motive was ridiculous. She wanted to know where he was working and when, all so that she could have her private investigator keep an eye on him and his new girlfriend.
She should have just let it go…she got the house, the kids, the boat, and even the Marriott International points.
“X” Marks The Spot…
I worked a divorce case that went to trial. The parties owned a business together, which they started during the marriage and which was their sole source of income. Obviously, the biggest issue was who was going to keep the business. While the divorce proceeded, the General Magistrate ordered my client to keep running the business and to pay the wife temporary alimony. If only it had ended then.
At trial, we went in front of a judge instead of the General Magistrate. This judge was older with poor memory and was fairly new to family law. She ended up giving the wife the business and ordering my client to pay the wife alimony! How is someone supposed to pay alimony if you take away their only source of income for the last 10 years?
I filed a motion for rehearing but the judge denied it. As if that was bad enough, do you want to know the cherry on top of this triple-layered divorce cake? The judge awarded my client his home that he had inherited from his grandmother. The wife had been living in there during the divorce proceedings, and the judge gave her 30 days to move out.
Well, she stayed until the last possible day. When my client went back to the home, the wife had completely destroyed the inside. She took a screw driver and scratched an “X” on the surface of all of the furniture and the walls. My client ended up leaving the country.
I’m Giving You The Cold Shoulder
I once represented one party in a divorce. While the divorce proceedings were on-going, the couple still lived together pending the sale of their family home. But just because they lived together did not mean that they were on speaking terms. In fact, they would not speak to one another for any reason whatsoever. Things were so bad that I even had to negotiate terms for sharing refrigerator space.
Don’t Be A Baby, Baby
white and brown bear plush toysPhoto by MChe Lee on UnsplashThe court ordered this couple, who had been divorced for four months, to divide up their Beanie Baby Collection, valued somewhere between $2,500 and $5000…and they were seemingly unable to do so by themselves. The couple spread out the collection on the floor and divided up one by one under the supervision of a Family Court Judge.
The Couple That Divorces Together, Stays Together
I worked as a courtroom clerk when I was in college. A couple filing for divorce were arguing over custody of their son. I thought it would be the normal "I won’t let you see him,” and name-calling nonsense, but I was in for a surprise. The mom wanted the dad to spend more time during the holidays together—all three of them. But the dad had demands of his own…
The dad in this strange divorce proceeding wanted the same thing as his maybe-ex-wife. He also wanted the family to spend more time together…just more frequently. The couple ended up reconciling and agreed to couples’ therapy before the divorce procedure went further. They came back a month later to withdraw the divorce proceeding. All is well that ends well.
Cleaning House
My friend is a divorce lawyer. They had a client whose former spouse brutally attacked them. Apparently, the former spouse blamed the divorce attorney for “taking him to the cleaners” in the divorce. The worst part is that the lawyer was at the grocery store doing his weekly food shopping with his wife and kids during the attack.
The Honeymoon That Never Ends
I represented the husband in a divorce. During the proceedings, we tried to get the court to eliminate his spousal support obligations. His wife, however, insisted that she needed the support…and wait until you hear why. The whole process took way longer than it should have because his wife was taking vacations to Mexico at least once every month.
The Wedding Photographer
I represented the husband in a divorce. On the day of the trial, opposing counsel presented shocking evidence. The wife’s attorneys produced photographs that they claimed proved adultery. The photos were of my client, the husband, wearing lingerie and a long brown wig, engaging in act of intimacy with another man. I was able to successfully exclude this from evidence...because the wife was the photographer.
And…The Honeymoon Is Over
woman signing on white printer paper beside woman about to touch the documentsPhoto by Gabrielle Henderson on UnsplashI worked for a law firm while in college. We had a client who had just come home from a two-week vacation with his wife. But she wasn’t going to be his wife for much longer. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, his wife’s lawyers served him with divorce papers and a temporary restraining order. His wife didn't say a word and just went into their house.
The poor guy came straight to our office and was massively confused. What happened on that vacation?
Please Play Nice
My first trial. My client’s husband was suing her for divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was alleging habitual cruelty and inhumane treatment. When I heard what he had to say, my jaw-dropped. I had to agree with him. Her husband was claiming that she had grabbed him in a sensitive area really, really hard and hurt him on purpose.
What’s more, I had to cross examine him about it. Awkward.
Call Me, Maybe?
I had a client whose soon-to-be-ex-husband used her email address and phone number to sign her up for every bank, loan, religious, mental illness, and adult site he could think of. These companies bombarded her about their products and services. He even put out her information on Craigslist. The joke was on him though…she actually went out with a guy who contacted her!
Grab Your Pitchforks…
I’ve been a divorce lawyer for more than 20 years, so I've seen it all. I once represented a husband divorcing his wife of over 35 years. At mediation, they divided up about a half million in assets within 30 minutes—and then things went south. They spent the next two and half hours fighting over a couple of hurricane glasses from Pat O'Brien's and a pitchfork.
$1,000 in attorney fees later, they settled…and then got remarried anyway.
40 Acres And A Whole Lot Of Revenge
I knew a wealthy land owner who went to some extreme lengths to get even after a divorce. He lost his home to his ex-wife in the divorce proceedings but kept his trump card. He was able to keep the rest of the undeveloped neighborhood land and turned it into an industrial park. In other words, he surrounded his ex-wife’s huge house with a ton of factories.
Run Away Wife
man in red and white checkered dress shirt wearing black fedora hatPhoto by Andres Siimon on UnsplashMy uncle is a divorce lawyer, but not a very good one. He represented a couple who had recently started getting into some problems. The wife had had enough of married life and just left one night. Her husband was through with her since she left, and went to my uncle for a divorce. My uncle agreed but he kept delaying because he had plans of his own.
While my uncle stalled the husband, he came up with an ingenious plan. He did what he knew was in everyone’s best interest. My uncle hired a private investigator to search for the missing wife. Fortunately, he eventually found her and talked her into going back to her husband. Things worked out in the end…but my uncle might be the worst divorce lawyer in the country.
Sharing Marriages Makes For Caring Marriages
How much time do you have? Over the course of my career, I’ve seen nearly a dozen wife-swaps. And it’s just as weird as it sounds. Usually, the husband will cheat on his wife with his friend’s wife. This causes a divorce for both parties, and their respective spouses (wife of first party and husband of second) end up getting together. Happens quite often for whatever reason.
Divorce, The Family Game
I saw a mother and father live together during a divorce and fight over the location of their children’s Xbox and Wii. At first, the gaming consoles were in the family living room. The father then put the consoles in his bedroom so that the children would spend all of their time in his bedroom. The mother literally went to court to have the Xbox and Wii returned to the living room. They spent thousands on this.
Debarred And Divorced
I'm not a lawyer, but I’ve got a story about one. There was a case in which a man found out that his wife was having an affair. Heartbroken, the man found a divorce lawyer. In court, the husband learned a brutal truth. His lawyer was the man his wife was having the affair with. Of course, the lawyer got his license taken away after that.
Off To Sunny Mexico
I’m a family law paralegal. We had a client whose husband had taken her kids on an unscheduled bus trip to Mexico. We expedited everything. I went above and beyond for this woman—even contacting attorneys in the deep south of Mexico and writing out very clear instructions to get back her kids. As it turns out, our client was no victim.
This woman had physically accosted her husband because he confronted her about sleeping with his brother. Now you see why the husband packed up and took the kids.
The Most Expensive Therapy Ever
potato chips in bowlPhoto by Emiliano Vittoriosi on UnsplashMy client (the husband) was living in the same house as his wife throughout the divorce proceedings. He'd call me and complain about things like: his wife ate a bag of chips and didn't replace it, she invited one of her friends over who he disliked, she binged watched TV instead of fixing dinner, etc., etc. He paid me $250/hour for the privilege of venting over the phone to an attorney.
Why So Salty?
One of my father's friends tried to “salt the earth” before getting divorced. He transferred the deeds to a rental house and a cabin to relatives and sold the family cars to relatives for tiny sums…and he was just getting started. He put stocks in a trust “for the children” and vanished a chunk of cash from the company he co-owned with his wife.
He even stopped paying himself a salary, electing to burn through their personal savings for over a year instead. Well, he might have salted the earth but he was in for just desserts. When the divorce proceedings went to court, he learned that judges really, really hate it when you try to play dirty games. Turns out that hiding or intentionally diminishing assets is actually not a good idea.
In fact, judges will absolutely refer you to prosecutors. I don't think that he spent time behind bars, but his ex-wife did get everything, plus the satisfaction of firing him from his own company.
Let’s Break Up The Bank
A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer. His favorite story is the time that the husband in a bitter divorce said that he would “out-lawyer” his wife and break the bank before giving her anything she wanted. He said this in front of my friend, her lawyer. My friend looks at the wife and says, "I'm working for you pro bono (free) from this moment forward."
Think About The Children
I took a domestic relations class run by a retired judge who told us a few good stories. My favorite was a story where both parties in a divorce were acting unreasonably and not thinking of the kids. In the end, the judge awarded the house to the kids who would live there permanently while the parents—who had joint custody—would take turns living there.
The best thing was that neither party could afford to buy an additional place, so they had to rent a small flat together and also share that.
Oh, Brother!
I had a case in where husband found some incriminating texts on his wife's phone. He suspected that she was cheating on him with some guy. What’s more is that he also got the impression that his sister-in-law (his brother’s wife) might be in on it in some way. He and his brother end up hiring a private investigator to tail both of their wives to get to the truth. But the truth can hurt…
The brothers essentially confirmed that both women were seeing other people. My client’s sister in-law admitted to carrying on an affair. His brother attempted to reconcile but eventually filed for divorce. My client’s wife admitted that she was looking for an affair but only "met for some kisses" and she "touched him a little bit.” He filed for divorce anyway.
To The Clink!
boy sitting while covering his facePhoto by Ksenia Makagonova on UnsplashMy dad is a retired lawyer and he got this story from a judge. A man and a woman went through an unhappy divorce, and their poor kids got stuck in the middle. The wife got custody and the man got visitation rights but, apparently, that wasn’t good enough for her. She made parental alienation her goal in life. So, her ex-husband took her to court over this and she actually ended up behind bars for contempt more than once.
The judge who told this story to my dad finally told the man, "I can throw her back in prison as many times as you want, but there's no winner in this."
I Want The News, Not The Weather…
I used to work for a judge when two prominent local news personalities were getting a divorce. They filed for mutual restraining orders against each other for an unspecified use of force. The filings were vague on details but still managed to convey a sense of savage levels of blood. When the time came for the hearing, it turned out that the use of force they were referring to was spitting.
Specifically, during a heated argument, flecks of spittle managed to touch the other party. The judge denied the restraining orders, and both parties' attorneys probably bought new yachts. Such is justice in a divorce.
That’s Not My Name
This is the story of a potentially thwarted divorce case. A man and his fiancée were buying a house together. They got to the paper where you sign off on all your aliases. In a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-worthy turn of events, the woman had a full-page's worth of former names. The guy asked, "What is this?" The woman's response made his blood run cold.
She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, I've been married five times before." The guy got up and walked out. Crisis averted.
“Extra! Extra! Read All About It!”
I was a secretary for an attorney. Divorce can be pretty depressing but it can also be a real laugh. I think that the most entertaining divorce story was when a guy had to get creative in divorcing his wife. He had to have the divorce papers sent to her the newspaper because she wouldn't leave the house or answer the door for the process server.
And Your Little Dog Too…
My friend’s firm handled the divorce of an extremely rich man who claimed his wife was cheating on him. The lawyer proceeded to ask him about his assets and what he wanted to keep. The man said that his wife could have the house, the car, the boat, the kids, etc. Given that he seemed willing to give up everything, the lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep. Not even Cruella de Ville would have asked for this.
After the man’s lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep in the divorce, the man angrily responded, "My wife only loves her dog. I want her to suffer so I want the court to order that the dog be taken away from her and cremated. She can have 50% of the ashes and I'll have the other 50%." What would have happened if his wife only loved their kids?
Micro Aggressions
woman in black jacket standing beside green plantPhoto by Karsten Winegeart on UnsplashI represented a woman who was convinced that her husband was the real-world equivalent of Lex Luthor or something. She claimed that he had implanted micro-robots in her brain and was trying to control her. She would bring us all of this nanotechnology and try to convince us that it was possible. She dragged the case out for four years. We almost had to get a conservator for her estate.
I’m A Professional
My first divorce case was the most memorable. My client was a nice looking, 50ish waitress who was breaking hearts at the local small-town cafe. She was on divorce number five. I had a little lawyer kit of things she should do such as clean out the joint accounts, change the car title, etc. To my surprise, she had done all of them…plus a few things I hadn’t thought of.
“Husband No.5” came into my office to cry and concede everything. Now that was a guy who needed a lawyer with a list. Suffice to say, our client got everything she was, or might have been, entitled to plus a little more.
Roomies!
I was a family law attorney for years. It was nasty all the time, which is why I finally switched to a different area. But not before this crazy couple…I worked a divorce where the ex-couple lived together after their divorce. It wasn’t for love. It was just pure and simple spite. Neither wanted to move. I believe they still live together.
Leaving The Nest
I once interned for a small family firm and had some really odd stories. This attractive lady relocated from Florida to the mountains of Virginia with her husband to restart their relationship. Unfortunately, they were moving in with her parents and had not found a new place to live yet. Well, the move didn’t help and they ended up seeking a divorce.
He ended up kicking the woman out of the house. Yeah, you read that correctly, he kicked her out of her parents’ house.
Failed Marriages And Flat Tires
This wasn’t my case, but I overheard it in divorce court once. While separated, a guy went around to his wife's house and took revenge on her car. Apparently, in an act of brazen post-marital rage, he slashed her tires. And if you were thinking about calling the authorities, you’ll have no luck there. He was a law enforcement officer. That’s just crazy.
The Defenestration Separation
beige 2-story housePhoto by Jessica Furtney on UnsplashI would never disclose a client's details because, you know, confidentiality. But I did have a mediation professor who told me this gem of a divorce story. She was mediating a divorce and the couple was so close to making a settlement. Until it all went out the window…literally. You see, this couple had purchased a lovely Victorian home together.
The husband, while unemployed, had painstakingly restored all of the old windows. Restoring the windows was a very time-consuming and labor-intensive task. Fast-forward to division of assets: The couple agreed to split the sale of the house equally, but he demanded a larger share because of the value of the windows. She said she should have that money, because she was supporting them at the time.
He returned that she could keep the entire house, but he was getting those windows. Then she said, “You can shove those windows up your...” Well, anyway, you get the idea. They went back and forth while my poor professor tried to mediate them into a neutral position.
That’s Just Pea…NUTS!
I worked a divorce case that was frustrating enough to make anyone pluck out their eyelashes. It took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. The estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel’s time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to an oversized jar of peanut butter.
All I could think of the whole time was, “Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!”
The Hand That Feeds You…
I once had a case where the estranged wife just didn’t know what was good for her. She was calling my client's employer repeatedly, accusing him of theft and other white-collar crimes to try to get my client fired. The funny thing about it all was that she was also demanding child support…which was based on my client’s income. Income from the job from which she was trying to get him fired.
A Hairy Situation
My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for two very odd reasons. For one, she claimed that he did not have enough hair on his chest. And the second reason was that he did not drive fast enough. In all fairness, this was 1970s when chest hair was a bit more important. The speeding thing, that I can’t explain.
Fighting For Fido
I was in a mediation once where it took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, retirement accounts, real property, and custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day, about four hours, they spent arguing about how to split the time with the dog. For the kid they just said, "as agreed upon by the parties" but the dog had a strict schedule.
Join The Mickey Mouse Club…Of Divorce
boy leaning on white chairPhoto by Chinh Le Duc on UnsplashI was a clerk for a family court judge. Believe me when I say that the kids always suffer in a divorce. We had a woman go to extreme lengths to spite her ex-husband, even if it meant disappointing her daughter. She even tried to get an injunction to keep the father from taking their daughter on a trip to Disney World. Like it is whenever love ends, it was so sad.
Reply All?
There are so many crazy divorce stories and they always bring out the absolute worst in couples. Like this one: A couple did their will with our firm. We drafted everything for them as they were an older couple; they had been married for 40 years total. The husband wanted us to put in his will that his kids get his entire estate, with one small caveat: He did not want us to tell his wife.
Instead, he wanted to have us make a secret will and a fake will. He had a whole plan. He would sign the fake will with her present, and then we would shred it. Then he would come in later to sign the "real will.” There was just one hitch in his Ocean’s Eleven scheme…he copied his wife on the email. Two weeks later, he called us and said he wanted to file for divorce.
Attorney On Demand
A previous client of ours was livid that his wife was cheating on him. She wanted a non-contested divorce and wanted to use my boss specifically because she knew he was a great lawyer. So, our client pretended to go along with her terms but contacted us literally two days before his wife and retained us. He said he didn't care how much money the retainer was going to be.
He just wanted my boss so his wife couldn't have him as a lawyer. He called and paid first, so he won that battle.
The Love Has Dried Up
My aunt was a divorce lawyer. She worked a case where the wife glued all of the outdoor hoses together so that her husband wouldn’t spend any more time washing his car. When the glue didn’t work, she just cut up the hoses instead. And when this woman’s husband bought new hoses, she finally filed for divorce. The only question I have is…”Was it a nice car?”
Bear With Me
I used to clerk for a judge, and we had a week-long divorce trial between a couple. The husband was a wildlife photographer and the wife was a stay-at-home wife who “remodeled” the house. They had no kids. Anyway, one day the husband was photographing a grizzly bear but must have gotten a little too close and the bear mauled him.
He spent several months in the hospital and rehab. As if surviving a bear attack wasn’t enough, his wife had him served with divorce papers shortly after he got out of rehab. Of course, she wanted half of everything. The guy had lost an eye…what more could she possibly have taken?
Plastics Are Forever
brown round bowl on white tablePhoto by Magic Bowls on UnsplashNeither side would follow the court orders. When they had to go back to court, they were fighting over the husband’s grandmother's bowls. I assumed for weeks that these bowls were some sort of heirloom or expensive china. When they finally brought the bowls into the courtroom to swap them, I discovered that they were Tupperware. Who knew plastic was more precious than diamonds?
Divorcing Scrooge
My client was the outrageous one in this story, and my heart went out to his poor wife. My client had OCD which manifested primarily in the family finances. He made their lives a penny-pinching nightmare. For example, he was obsessed with avoiding unnecessary driving, so he cut the whole family’s hair at home and never let them eat at a restaurant or go to the movies. That wasn’t even the strangest thing.
Weirdest of all, he kept one toilet paper roll on him at all times, and you had to get one square from him before you could go to the bathroom. He never gave more than one square. His wife finally got tired of him and left him when he gave her bangs during an in-home haircut. Even their daughter was so traumatized by the whole toilet paper thing they couldn’t potty train her.
Being such a miser, he viewed my whole job as a divorce attorney as an unnecessary expense.
Shaking Like A Dog
My mom was a divorce lawyer. One specific story I remember was about a couple fighting for custody of their dog. The guy already lost custody of the children and then lost the case for custody of the dog. When the ex-wife’s mother came to pick up the dog, he told her that she could get him out of the freezer...Yes, that’s right, he froze the dog.
The Frog That Hopped Away
I once worked an interesting—and very, very sad—divorce case. It’s not uncommon for parents to fight over custody in a divorce, but that’s not what happened this time…not at all. My client and their spouse had a son that they named Snoop Frog (I kid you not) and sadly, neither of them wanted custody. Honestly, it was nothing that a name change couldn’t fix.
Not A Lucky Divorce
This woman won $1.3million in a lottery pool and filed for divorce 11 days later. She never mentioned her lottery winnings to her husband. She also did not disclose the proceeds during the divorce. She would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a letter that arrived at their former marital residence over two years after the divorce…
The letter was an offer to buy out her lottery annuity with a lump sum payment. The husband promptly lawyered up and the family court awarded 100% of the prize proceeds to him.