PSA: heterosexuality is not defined by an absence of emotion. It does not require a lack of thoughtfulness and good communication.
But if you stepped into the average workplace, bar, or other social situation for at least a few hours, you'd hear exactly those suggestions.
Likewise, you'd hear that any homosexual person is obsessed completely by matching clothes, good listening, and conscientious approaches to friendships and relationships.
Again, that would be wrong.
But of course, out in the wild where all sorts of people will say all kinds of things--both informed and uninformed--such a fantastical binary will rear its head.
And usually, the accusation or assumption of homosexuality aligns with a commonly repeated stereotype. But sometimes the "evidence" is absolutely bizarre.
It's those bizarre stimuli for the "that's gay" accusation that a recent Reddit thread was concerned with.
No Tables for Two!
"I was engaged, and my co-workers knew I was engaged to a woman."
"I was at some sort of work thing, and started talking to a guy who was obviously gay. We started talking about philosophy, and I thought he was a cool guy. I was just like hey, if I ever read 'x book' that we were talking about, I'd love to discuss it with you over coffee or something, but I might not read it anytime soon."
"I'd just graduated college, where getting coffee with someone didn't mean anything, and you just did it if you wanted to have a conversation with them."
"Apparently everyone thought I asked the dude out. I guess I see where they're coming from, but I just wanted to talk about Wittgenstein with someone who'd read him should I ever read him."
A Perk, At Least
"Apparently going out for Mexican and margaritas with your pal. No one said it directly, but the waitress gave us a complimentary dessert for 2 and said happy anniversary... free dessert is free dessert, I guess." -- IronCorvus
"My best friend and I (both girls) went to senior prom together. We weren't dating anyone at the time, so going as friends was a nice way to have a good time and still nab that couple's ticket discount."
"We went out for dinner before the dance, and this group of 20 somethings in the corner that we'd never met before kept smiling at us across the room and giving us the thumbs up. When we went to pay for the food, we'd found that it had already been paid for."
"And that was when I realized that we'd been mistaken for lesbians, and those smiley folks were probably just trying to be supportive. (To be fair, I looked pretty butch, and in retrospect most straight girls probably wouldn't pair a prom dress with a leather jacket.)"
"Anyways, I consider that an absolute win. Some nice strangers got to feel supportive and we got a free meal out of it. Being mistaken for lesbians was economical as f***." -- Foxclaws42
Supposedly Telling Follicles
"Having a** hair. My cousins convinced me only gay people have a** hair. And the more a** hair the 'gayer they are.' Guess I'm like the king of gays now lmao" -- Wrlpul
"I've also seen here that shaving your a** is gay" -- hibldobl
"Mine is like the girl from The Ring trying to escape from the middle pages of a closed book." -- AlwaysBird
"i guess my boyfriend is the gayest man alive. dude's got hair from right above his a** down to his ankles. its like hair pants" -- longnecklytle
A Laundry List
"80s kid here. Anything involving showing emotion is gay. Wearing any clothing that isn't muted is gay. Stating that something is cute is gay. Getting excited about hobbies is gay. Calling your guy friends to talk is gay."
"Crying is gay. Airing grievances of everyday life is gay. Washing your butthole is gay. Using lotion other than choking the chicken is gay. Shaving anything other than your face and neck is gay."
When You Have to Be Careful With Compliments
"At work I once complimented another man on his outfit. My male co-workers looked at me as if I had asked if he had naked photos of himself I could see." -- irishamerican
"Man, if I got a compliment unprompted like that, from a male or female, it would make my whole f***ing month!" -- Knuckles316
"This is why we gotta start normalizing men giving each other compliments. I STILL hold on to compliments from years ago" -- Emperor-of-the-moon
Unbelievable Cognitive Dissonance
"One time a girl thought I was gay because I was attentive during sex. I'm not even joking" -- mybustersword
"That's the gay agenda you've heard so much about. We go around giving women the best sex of their lives in order to make straight men look bad! It's a long-term project." -- Isimagen
"Can I have her number? Low expectations is my sweet spot." -- thesunscreen
Even Survival is on the Table
"Putting on sunscreen." -- justinduderino
"No joke, Australia had to spend a huge amount of money on a media campaign to persuade people about the need to use sunscreen. it worked though." -- Wind_Yer_Neck_In
"Somebody called me gay for doing that before too. I didn't realize as a hetero I was supposed to die of skin cancer." -- rubbleone
"Imagine thinking you're tougher then the f***ing Sun" -- OGslooge
The Weather is for Everybody
"I said I like it when it rains." -- TheDeadGunslinger
"Raining men?" -- omgitzrick
"I'm only happy when it rains" -- AukwardOtter
"Pfft, the entire pacific northwest would be gay then. Wait...there are a lot of gay people up here...oh my god" -- JarekBloodDragon
"If they called your attention for something this simple, you can perhaps imagine the amount of harassment a naturally effeminate boy will have to endure as to how to sit, walk, talk, eat, sing, move his hands and so on." -- savagebrazilian
A Very Confusing Situation All Around
"Broke a guy's jaw in high school, sent him a get well card while he was in the hospital. He called me gay for sending the card" -- Grumpet-Stiltskin
"On accident or on purpose? Cause sending someone a get well card after intentionally breaking their jaw is a power move lol" -- EleventhCircle
"He must really hate that a 'gay guy' broke his jaw." -- AaronVsMusic
Driven by Insecurity
"2 of my friends from high school died in a car accident a week before the graduation. Everyone from the classroom went to the funeral and some lf my classmates were crying a lot."
"I decided to hug one of them and comfort him. One of my closest friends.."
"And this guy (a fat one, part of the "popular cool group wich are always doing stupid stuff to get attention") came into me, touched my back and yelled 'Dude i didn't know you liked di** hahaha'"
"He was kicked from the funeral and lost probably 90% of his friends"
"Not a man, but I once mentioned to my then boyfriend that I needed to find a gynecologist in the area and he responded with 'I know I have no say in who you see, but I'd really prefer you pick a male gynecologist because they're all gay for obvious reasons' and I'm still trying to understand how looking at vaginas all day makes you gay?"
"I think of that conversation every time I think of the male obgyn who delivered my daughter that is extremely proud of his beautiful wife and four kids. I think it would blow my ex's mind"
"Washing my a**hole. Friend of mine once said 'everyone knows that's gay, you can miss me with that.' "
"Apparently you are only allowed to wash your cheeks and let's suds run down your crack. Any direct contact with your own a**hole and u will catch the gay."
"I had a guy tell me that masturbation was gay. As he put it 'you're jacking off a bloke, even if that bloke is you.' I responded that it must be incest too, as it's man who is part of your immediate family."
"He though THAT was crazy talk."
All About Technique
"Not me but my brother - he was around 15 at the time. We went to the mall where he purchased something that was given to him in one of those paper bags that they have at malls. Instead of holding the handles like a normal human, he rolled up the bag and held it by the top because holding it by the handles would be gay (??)."
"I told him that was ridiculous but he did it anyways for the remainder of the trip."
Organic Matter is for Everyone
"I like flowers. I like growing flowers and picking flowers when I walk/hike. My lady was tired of me putting them in mason jars at home so she bought a dope clay vase to put the flowers in. I've had dudes comment that it's gay."
"Surprisingly women have a similar reaction when they find out that I enjoy picking flowers as much for myself as for my lady."
"I really don't care though. Flowers are f***in dope."
The Toxicity of High School Gym Class
"When our Physical Education Teacher examines if we cut our nails boys would show with their palms upward and bent at knuckles whereas girls would simply show palms facing downward. Now if you did the other thing you're gay."
"Our teacher sensed something off and made everyone show with their palms down."
Dads Against Homophobia
"Having a child with my wife is gay. Taking care of my kid, and making being a good father and enjoying time with my child as the main goals of my life is somehow gay."
"Changing diapers is apparently gay now. Having heterosexual sex and dealing with the consequences is also gay. Loving your kids and being a good dad is gay."
"It doesn't make any sense at all."
"Me and a friend of mine used to be like Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels from dumb and dumber--always getting in trouble, bunking class on my scooter, going out to eat, buy groceries, a long ride out of the city coz the air is so fresh where people don't live."
"My friend later told me he heard a rumor that we both were always together so we were gay . We laughed it off and went to have our hot pockets."
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