Social People Share Their Secrets For How To Be Less Socially Awkward
No greater nightmare exists for those with social anxiety than knocking over a plate of appetizers or accidentally sneezing on the person you just were introduced to. For many, it's a tricky obstacle course to run and it can feel like only the most adept can succeed. However, one Reddit user set out to try and help out those who feel their social interactions could use some work. Reddit user, r/idkmanidkman, asked the following:
Socially fluent people of Reddit, What are some mistakes you see socially awkward people making?
1. Walk In With Your Head Held High
I heard a quote once that helps me whenever I talk to strangers: "Confidence is when you walk into a room and assume everyone already likes you."
Obviously, this isn't true for every case, but in my experience, if you start off every interaction by imagining that good feelings exist, good feelings WILL actually exist. Everyone just wants to be liked, so if you pretend they already like you, you'll like them, and then they'll be happy that you already like them. It's a warm, fuzzy cycle.
A mistake I see that socially awkward people make is assuming that everyone DOESN'T like them. And then the cycle becomes awkward, rather than warm and inviting.
2. Leave Your Behind In Your Past
I think bullying in school can lead to this mindset, and it can be hard to break. It's important to remember that HIGH SCHOOL IS NOT REAL LIFE. In real life most people are generally not looking for every little reason to dislike someone.
I commented on this before, am repeating it because I feel it's important, especially for people in their early 20s to break from the high school social mindset. It can be difficult; it was for me.
3. Consider The Other Person's Interests
I don't consider myself amazingly socially fluent, but I work with a lot of engineers who make me feel like I am in comparison. The biggest mistake that I see them making is talking about themselves (or their work) nonstop without acknowledging that there's another person in the conversation. It's like . . . dude, you're in a conversation.
Pause sometimes.
Gauge the other person's interest. Ask a question of them occasionally!
4. Ask Them Questions and Let Them Answer
People LOVE talking about themselves. And most people have some form of life experience that is genuinely interesting. You can lean on that- ask them questions and let them talk, it's flattering and it'll actually take strain off of you too. If you're socially awkward, you're probably more focused on yourself than the other person.
I recently dated someone who I really liked, but was more awkward than me. I noticed that I spent the entire time asking them questions about [themselves], and they'd never reciprocate, since they were anxious and just focused on answering.
In a weird way social awkwardness becomes unintentionally selfish; you're worried about the other person's opinion of you, so you spend the entire time thinking about yourself.
5. "Confident Modesty"
I've met a lot of people who speak in very self-deprecating ways to an uncomfortable extent. I understand not wanting to appear vain and opting to humble oneself, demonstrating self-awareness. However, some people will take this a bit too far.
When speaking about yourself, do so with confident modesty; don't reduce yourself to only your flaws.
6. Context Is Key
One of the most important things is to understand who you're talking to and make the conversation match the relationship.
How you talk to a stranger, service worker, close friend, SO, and family, are all different - context is everything and what's perfectly acceptable or even amicable to say to one person is not acceptable to say to another.
7. Sometimes, You Gotta Work The Crowd
Or even just being a buzzkill. I have learned that when with a new group of people (who I'll probably never meet again) it's not always necessary be a downer, even if it's the truth.
For example, when they hear I have twin stepchildren (a boy and a girl) maybe they'll reference how girls and boys dating/driving/other milestones are different. Now, if I'm honest, I'd say, "well, my stepson is developmentally disabled/has autism and he'll probably never do those things and he's going to need lifelong supervision," but, if I want to have a nice night and not bring everyone down I'll just say, "yeah you're right!! My husband is crazy protective of my daughter...lol." Sometimes it's not worth the pity on their faces and the resulting depression I feel for the rest of the night.
Know your audience.
8. You Don't Have To Plan Ahead
I've found the one basic thing very awkward people tend to do that totally screws them, is trying to prepare for a situation or contemplate what they will do, go through scenarios in their heads.
What happens is that once they get into the actual situation they spend a ridiculous amount of time matching every thing that happens to what they wanted to happen. Then you get that weird and very awkward lag time effect where you will ask a person a question and they stall and break and use filler words.
Best thing to do is to not really factor in people being part of something socially speaking. If you notice very socially fluent people will pretty much take other people at face value as opposed to trying to investigate them in their heads.
9. Pump The People Up
Sometimes you need to be a cheerleader in a conversation.
"I did this." "You did that! Hey, great. Did you hear he did that?!"
If its sincere, it goes along way.
10. Admit When You Don't Know
And if someone is taking about something you have no knowledge of that's fine, don't pretend because it will be weird when you start trying fool them.
Instead something like "I don't know anything about football, have you always been a big fan?" gives them the hint you're not into it and can't really take part in the conversation, and steers them towards taking about things more abstractly; "I enjoy going to live events because of the buzz" or and opportunity for them to give you a question that opens up new avenues; "how do you spend your Saturdays? "
11. Sometimes, You Need To Dial It Back
Being purposefully weird and random is off putting to those who don't know you.
13. LAUGH
This is a seriously important thing. Acknowledging your mistake and laughing it off does amazing things socially. Laughing is contagious and everyone understands doing or saying something dumb. They're with you not against you. And then don't bring it up again unless it's relevant. If it is relevant then you're just creating a tiny inside joke that can only strengthen whatever there is between two people. But don't force it in.
LAUGH PEOPLE
14. Get To The Happy Medium
You don't have to always be talking. At the same time don't be as silent as the grave.
Theres a happy medium where good conversations live.
15. If You Don't Know, You Don't Know
Trying to have a comment on everything. It's perfectly fine to remain mostly quiet throughout conversations that either don't intrigue you or you know little about.
I'm easily the loudest and most verbose member of my group, but sometimes the topic changes to one I'm not a large part of and I'll be a much smaller part of it.
16. Remember What People Said
Something I started doing a few years ago; when I notice someone get interrupted mid story or sentence and the conversation goes someplace else for a minute, I'll try to remember the person and the last thing they said. Once there's a break in the conversation, I'll urge the person who was interrupted to continue what they were saying.
Many people just don't feel like making a "big deal" out of being interrupted, or lack confidence and assume what they were saying wasn't interesting. Sometimes they'll just say "It doesn't matter" but oftentimes they appreciate someone remembering what they were trying to talk about and giving them an opportunity to finish.
And the person who interrupted them almost always apologises when they realise what they did, which is nice. Most people aren't d---s and are just eager to say something, not realising they're cutting someone else short.
17. Where Do I Look?
If you are talking to someone face-to-face one-on-one with less than a few feet between the two of you. It is unbelievably obvious when you're looking at their forehead, or at their nose, or somewhere else that's meant to look like you're staring at their eyes. So don't do it. It makes you look silly.
If you are speaking to several people (an audience) in a closed room DO NOT look at the back wall. Once again, very noticeable, makes you look silly.
In both of these situations, you need to make quick, subtle, fluid eye-contact.
However, if you are giving a speech to a massive audience (think auditorium, pep rally, political debates), then as long as you aren't looking at your feet, it doesn't matter. No one can tell at this point.
18. Clean It Up
Hygiene and grooming. It's amazing how quickly a poorly dressed or smelly person will kill a moment.
Iron your shirts, get proper fitting pants, and make sure to wear deodorant. Get a good haircut, not some Supercuts hack job. Beards are awesome, but keep it groomed. That doesn't mean short, but properly manicured facial hair is better than patchy, or unkempt manes.
19. Surprisingly, Not Everyone Has Seen 'Star Wars'
A friend of the family has limited social skills, and all of his ancedotes are from television and movies. In particular, odd fantasy/sci-fi flicks that have limited audiences. He constantly makes 'inside jokes' or refers to them, and everyone looks at each other and goes "We have no idea what you're talking about."
Don't try to be funny if you're not (if you're not sure, the default is "you're not"). If what you're about to say relies heavily on TV or movies, skip it and just say what you wanted to say.
20. It's Okay To Walk Away
keeping conversations going when no one else is into it. conversations naturally die off, usually within a minute or two. it's ok to say 'see ya later' and walk away.
[username deleted]
21. You CAN Practice
Thinking that being an introvert is the same thing as being socially awkward. The introvert-extrovert scale runs on the X-axis and social skills run on the Y-axis. It is entirely possible to be a socially skilled introvert just like you can have a socially awkward extrovert.
One of the biggest mistakes I see socially awkward introverts make is conflating those two issues and thinking, 'well my personality is introverted, therefore I am socially awkward'. Social skills are SKILLS and they can be improved. Thinking, 'I'm an introvert', gives people an excuse to not work on or practice those skills.
22. And Above All...
Don't tell the other people/person that you think you're socially awkward.
H/T: Reddit
There are a ton of jobs or favors that don't require much skill, experience, or labor, and people who are fortunate enough to get hired walk away with a king's ransom.
Looking for those kinds of "jobs," however, is like finding a teardrop in the ocean.
Few who struck gold, at least temporarily, shared their experiences when Redditor NikTheNerdBoy asked:
"What's the dumbest thing you were paid to do and how much were you paid?"
Good luck finding these well-paying tasks.
Running Errands
"Had a WFH gig working sort of as a personal assistant for a rich guy on the opposite coast from me. I did all kinds of wacky sh*t for him. For example, one time I had to break up with my boss's girlfriend because he was too wimpy to do it himself. That was literally my job."
"One day, I bought him a new pickup truck. Meaning, I negotiated the deal and paid for the truck with his credit card. All in all, I'd say the process probably took about two weeks, for which I was paid my usual wage at six hours per day. No big deal."
"Somehow, his dad found out about the new truck and he decided he wanted a new pickup truck too. He called me about a week after I bought the truck for my boss and said he'd pay me $2,000 to buy a truck for him. I called the same dealership back, spoke to the same salesman, told him what was up and basically said give me another truck, same price as before. The salesman was only too happy to comply."
"It took ten minutes to make the phone call and then a day or two to get the title and other paperwork sorted out. So, depending on how you look at it, I made $2,000 for just ten minutes worth of 'work.'"
"Somehow, my boss's rich friend found out about all this. He decided he wanted a new SUV. 'OhYeahThrowItAway, you have to buy it for me!' I told him the last time I bought someone a vehicle, I got paid $2,000. The friend was basically like F'k it, I'll pay you $3,000, just get it for me' and then he emailed me his wish list."
"That deal took a little longer, maybe two weeks."
"I made $5k extra in just two months buying vehicles for lazy (or dumb) rich people."
Staying Out Of The Picture
"I was paid $300 to move my car for a movie that was filming by my apartment."
– dragoblaster666
Pack It Up
"Got paid 10k to leave an apartment because it was sold and new owner wanted to move in. I was tenant (renter) under previous owner. I had 4 months left in my rental contract. This was in Spain (Barcelona)."
European Vacation
"I was flown to Paris to do a compliance audit, the systems weren't set up for the audit, couldn't get access so spent the week being taken to restaurants and shopping. On 1 of the days and at the last minute the company decided to send me to London for a meeting, literally just to meet people. I missed the Eurostar because I forgot my passport (totally blanked that I was entering another country), they had to rebook the Eurostar. Nothing was achieved out of this trip. No audit was completed. Nothing came of the meeting. The cost to the company 25k+ for me to do nothing for a week. Corporate money is ridiculous money."
– _Justag1rl_
Not much labor was required for these so-called "jobs."
Ten-Minutes Of "Work"
"I used to work for a PR agency. Every month one of our clients wanted a handful of photos re-sized for their website; nothing fancy, just setting the width to 500px in Windows Photo Manager."
"It was maybe ten minutes of work every month, but the contract said the minimum amount of time we would charge them for was one day - and this was for the full team too, not just me. It must have cost them several hundred pounds every month."
"I showed the client how to do it several times, and explained that they could save a lot of money doing it themselves. They didn't seem to mind."
"In the end I made sure I got it in writing that I'd informed them of their options and let them get on with it."
– TheRainyDaze
Thank You, Goodbye
"$175 to do some kind of user study at Netflix, I show up in the lobby and then they go, 'actually we got the data we needed from the studies earlier today, you're free to go!'. Still got paid!"
– Lycid
Hush Money
"I did an event for a national association for deaf people at which they did every presentation in ASL. I am an audio engineer, who specializes in live sound and concerts. I did nothing for 5 days of show, $450 a day."
– murter95
Paid To Play
"I got asked to do 2 hours of barrier watch (Guarding a barrier ribbon while a crew did x rays inside a power plant). This was asked last minute after a 12 hour shift so the bonuses of staying happening to be a Sunday, etc I was being paid $110 to stand and play on my phone and make sure sure nobody tried to pass all the DO NOT ENTER DANGER DANGER signs during a time of day with minimal personnel."
– Hotel29
Movie Scene Dance GIF by FandorGiphyGotta Have Wendy's
"I was driving for uber. Picked up a bunch of drunks at like 2 AM. They were like 'Yo we gotta grab some Wendy' I go 'I'm sorry this is my busy period' they go 'Can we bribe you?' I go 'Absolutely you can bribe me.'"
"One the guys said I'll give you $100...I was shocked it was that high, another guy said '$150' and finally his wife said 'F'k it I want Wendy $200 and we buy you Wendy too.'"
"I finally said yes, FYI I hadn't said yes yet because the reality is $20-$40 would have gotten me to stop at Wendy."
"So there I sat at Wendy as those 3 drunks bought me wendy and paid me $200."
– luther_williams
Substitute Chef
"One time I was at this super fancy dinner party. I'm talking servers and everything, I was in a freaking tux! It was outside and catered by a professional bbq company. I mean these guys had won international competitions. Well get this, they were double booked and didn't show. The other servers didn't know how to grill, and this totally smokin server in her 30s is just staring at the grill like a deer in the headlights. Well I don't want to be a hero but I ask if I can help. The entire staff spend the rest of the night bringing me drinks as I make this bbq and NOBODY realizes the award winning chefs didn't show up!"
– Train3rRed88
Where Do We Apply?
"Ok this wasn't a job or anything.... But I got 10$ to eat half a watermelon."
Some opportunities present themselves.
When I was a kid, I hung out at a Japanese summer festival booth where you roll a bowling ball on a track that had two hills. The objective was to push the ball hard enough to get it over the first hill but not too hard to get it over the second hill.
I was fascinated with the challenge and stayed there for a long time as my parents were over by the food booths with their friends.
It was a slow day, and the dude working the booth wanted to peace out for a bit, so he offered to pay me $50 to "hang out" in his stead.
Of course, I said "sure."
No one ever came, and I earned fifty bucks rolling bowling balls for an hour. Was it the dumbest thing I ever did for money? Maybe, but I laughed all the way to the piggy bank that day.
That guy really must have despised his post enough to give a twelve-year-old kid $50.
Food is for survival. That was the plan. But over the years it has become somewhat of a way of life. Some of the most annoying people are foodies. They get so uppity about the preferences of others. Like, let me just enjoy what I enjoy.
Mom No!
Mom Smile GIFGiphy"I don't like my mom's cooking."
"Livestock have refused to eat my mother's cooking. She's a terror in the kitchen."
Take them OUT!!
"I hate walnuts in baked goods. It tastes like wood shavings and completely ruins the flavor."
"I love walnuts but I feel this way about raisins in baked goods, raisins are fine by themselves but not in sweets, I once ordered cinnamon rolls at Hardee's and bit into it and found out there were raisins in it, and I was grossed out and didn't want to eat it. At least freakin' McDonald's serves real cinnamon rolls without freakn' raisins!"
The Fart Ingredient
"I don't like kidney beans except in chili."
"I don't even really like them in chili. I'd rather have pintos in everything."
Oh thew Crunch...
"Pickles and onion make the best sandwich. I make most of my own pickles from stuff I grow or get from local farms in the fall, but I responded to another comment with two different heinous concoctions I enjoy. Crunchy, salty, sour. I really like pickles and onions to begin with."
"I use more than pickled cucumber though. Like the last one I made, I used garlic naan, mayo, red onion, scallions, pickled garlic, green olives, Kalamata olives, garlic dill cucumber, and green beans. Shallot, sour pickled onion, sweet pickled cucumbers, and sushi ginger on sprouted 14 grain bread is also also a favorite of mine."
No Sizzle
bacon GIFGiphy"I do not like bacon."
"I've been learning this over the years. If I'm gonna do bacon I much prefer the maple bacon since it's sweeter and doesn't overpower with saltiness."
- truije15
Who doesn't like bacon? That seems like a sacrilege. Right? But to each their own. Though I will never understand not loving walnuts in comfort food. Y'all need more self love.
Love the Big M
"Fast food tastes amazing, yeah its unhealthy as hell but don't you sit there and lie and say it tastes bad."
"Pisses me off when people act like they're better then McDonald's. What the hell? McDonald's is incredible and billions of people buy their food still. The same can't be said for other restaurants."
Blasphemy!
golden girls flirting GIF by HULUGiphy"Cheesecake is disgusting."
"I don't find cheese cake disgusting. It looks good. Smell delicious. Has ingredients in it that I love. But i can not eat more than one bite. It is too rich. One bite and i feel sick."
Too Many Legs
"Lobsters and crabs are giant insects."
"I don't really think that's that controversial, in my area of the world we even call this creature a 'Moreton Bay Bug' even though some fisheries try to give it the more appealing name of 'flathead lobster'."
bad bones
"Boneless wings are vastly superior to bone-in wings. I think bone-in wings are a ripoff because when you get half a pound of them, part of that half-pound is inedible. It's like if you ordered a quarter-pound cheeseburger, but the restaurant considers the weight of the plate to be part of that quarter-pound and you end up with just a slider. Just give me some damn meat."
The Slime
man oyster GIFGiphy"Oysters are truly disgusting and absurdly overpriced for quarter sized pieces of snot that tastes like salt water and hot sauce."
- C_23_s
Ok, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't want to judge. But some of these opinions... are leaving me shook. Except the oysters. That is that work of the devil. Look away...
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