Family matters can be very complicated and hard to fathom living with. u/Jayx8 has a very twisted situation on her hands involving a secret abortion, a divorce, and a liver transplant. I [22M] just learned that my sister [29F] had an abortion to be able to donate me part of her liver. It caused her divorce. I can't stop hating myself. Here is the whole story:
What really happened: I was very sick four years ago and was in need of a liver transplant. My situation was that it was very unlikely that I would get one in time. At that time my sister was pregnant. I didn't know as it was early (less than two months). My situation was getting worse and my sister decided to do an abortion and then two months later we did the transplant surgery.
I never knew about the pregnancy. All I knew was that she gave me half of her liver. My sister and her husband divorced a year later. I didn't know the truth until yesterday when my mom slipped up about an abortion that my sister had. I asked her about it and she told me everything. She told me that my sister made her promise not to tell me and she failed that promise.
My sister was very happy. My brother in law was a very decent guy. I knew they were looking forward to having children. They were great together. She always told us about how lucky she is to have found him.
Apparently at the time of their decision, my sister and her husband had great disagreement. He didn't want her to have the abortion and risk the transplant surgery and was hopeful that my situation might sort itself out without my sister's help. The chance was very small but it was there. My sister didn't agree. They couldn't convince one another and my sister did things anyway without his blessing. They tried working things out after the surgery, they went to counseling, they even tried to have another baby but they couldn't get themselves to do it. He couldn't forgive my sister and she wasn't all that apologetic so they ended up separating and eventually divorcing.
My sister isn't happy now. Hasn't been since the surgery. She never told me the real reason for her divorce. She told me that they were after different things. I just learned things from my mom. I asked my mom if my sister still thinks that she did the right thing. She said "she's not sure".
I can't stop feeling guilty. My sister saved my life but destroyed her own life doing it. She had to abort the baby she definitely loved and looked forward to and did that knowing that it will probably end her marriage as well. I was ready to go at that time. I had accepted my fate and I was at peace. She should have just let me. My brother in law should have told me so I would have talked her out of it. I'm surprised he didn't. I can't feel anything but to hate myself.
I don't know what to do. Should I talk to my sister? What should I tell her? Should I keep my mouth shut and pretend that I don't know? I'm not sure if I'll even be able to look into her eyes and not show that I know. I just don't know what the f*** I should do.
Please please help me.
Heal together
Giphy
yes you should tell her. It's a burden on you and on her. Just go and talk to her. Tell her how you feel, she'll tell you how she feels, and it will bring you both closer together. It's a very difficult situation where nobody is at fault and it's very unfortunate that her marriage ended that way. But you both can heal together.
It was a brutal choice
Your sister made an impossible choice. Either way, she was risking losing a family member. There is not outcome here that would have made everyone happy. And, despite the guilt you feel, you weren't in control of any of the decisions she made. Do you really believe you could have convinced your sister to let you die when she had the ability to save you?
Show your gratitude and let it be
Giphy
Don't hate yourself. I have two young sons who I love to the ends of the earth...but when I was less than two months pregnant I would have done the same thing to save my brother's life. I do think you should talk to her. Hug her. Tell her you're so sorry. DO NOT tell her that she shouldn't have done it. Or that you're blaming yourself. Then she'll wish your mom had kept her promise and it will make it even worse.
Lasting marriage is stronger than that
Giphy
I don't think you should consider it that your situation CAUSED them to divorce as if it was an inevitability.
I think my marriage would have survived this situation. I think there are many here whose marriages would have. What your situation did was bring your sister and her husband to a crossroads where they discovered some fundamental incompatibilities in their relationship. That may well have happened sooner or later anyway.
A clear choice
Giphy
Your sister did the right thing, and you should be proud of her, and feel so lucky to have a sister like her.
Put yourself in her shoes. You have a sister who is dying, with very little chance of surviving if she doesn't get the liver she needs.
You just got pregnant - hooray! But you're the only person who can save your sister's life, and it will cost you the pregnancy. Damn.
But you can get pregnant again. 75% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, most of the time without the mother even knowing, and few of those women are rendered infertile by it.
So you know that, while it's sad, you can always try again for another baby - but if you let your sister die, you'll never have another sister again. Easy decision, right?
Move past the guilt
Giphy
Hopefully you'll see this.
Have you ever heard of the hindsight bias? We use it colloquially in media nowadays but it has real emotional and cognitive impacts on us in real life.
Essentially what you're doing is, you're hating yourself for something you did not know and could not know 4 years ago. You are giving 4-year-ago-you the same knowledge/mindset of present-you. And present-you knows so much more than past-you. And that's not fair to hold past-you up to the same standards as present-you. Because that is impossible, that's not how time or life works. So stop beating yourself up over not being able to achieve the impossible. Because no one can achieve that. Instead, have some grace towards your past-self with the wisdom you have as your present-self.
It was her decision
Giphy
Look, I know you feel terrible, but your sister is an adult. The choice she made at the time was her own, and it was a very noble one. She chose to save you, her brother, whom she clearly loves very much. She knew what she was risking when she decided to donate her liver to you, accepted those consequences, and chose to do it anyway like the incredible sister she is. It's terrible that her marriage fell apart and that her husband chose to leave, but that's not on you.
It's all love
Your sister made the choice to save your life, at whatever costs she was willing to make. She did it because she loves you and she knew there would be risks involved, especially with her marriage if they had talked about it. In saying that, this was her choice. You didn't ask her to get an abortion to donate half her liver to you. She chose to. And she did it because she loves you. You shouldn't feel guilty, her having an abortion and eventually divorcing, is in no way your fault.
Divorce is a multilayered beast
Giphy
Oh honey.
Please know that divorce is complicated. It's never just one thing that leads to it. We tend to hyper focus on one thing while we're in the middle of it all, but it's never just one thing. If your sister and her ex husband weren't meant to be, that had a lot less to do with you than you're thinking.
Your sister is an angel. Were it me and my sister, I would do the same thing, no question. It's a no brainer. I have a toddler and am currently pregnant, and if there was anything I could do to save my sister's life, including an abortion, I would do it.
Your sister isn't the only one...
Giphy
I would have done the same thing as your sister. I would have chosen the life of my immediate family members over the life of an unborn baby and over my marriage. I would hope that my husband would agree but if he did not, it would be a risk I would be willing to take.
Lets ask a biologist
Giphy
Fun fact: It makes more sense biologically to save your adult sibling than your unborn offspring. You share the same amount of genes with both of them but the unborn child is gonna have a lot of opportunities to die before procreating and spreading your genes further. It's like a textbook example actually. I'm a biologist.
anyway: super awful situation and I think their relationship was doomed the second he asked her to leave you to die.
The husband doesn't sound so great
Giphy
I hope you know your sister loves you very much and she's an amazing sister and you're lucky to have her.
I think that if she didn't do the abortion to save your life and you would have died then she would have blamed herself for the rest of your life.
Maybe she would have ended up divorcing her husband anyway, if she thought that if it wasn't for him you would still be alive. Her husband doesn't sound like such a great guy if he was happy to stand idly by while you were dying.
There's always more to the story
Giphy
I would talk to your sister. Tell her how you are feeling and tell her you wish she hadn't of kept you in the dark. Express your feelings but make sure to let her express hers, especially if she is going through a hard time. I honestly think there had to of been more to their marriage issues then the abortion.
It's important to look at both sides
Giphy
It's not your fault. You sister was is a difficult spot. What she did for you was a great gift and I am happy for your sake that she did. As far as her marriage, what she did felt unfair to her husband. To terminate a wanted pregnancy without his consent.
I am trying to put myself in his and her shoes. People have very differing opinions of what "life" is and when it starts. For those who view it as a bundle of cells like she probably did, it's a no brainier, giving her brother a chance was the right decision. On the other hand if he already thought of it as "his baby", then it had to be very painful for him to see her terminate. I don't think BIL was a bad guy if you consider than in his eyes he was trying to protect his unborn child. I think either way the marriage was in trouble because one of them would have had resentment.
The important thing is that this is not your fault. You didn't ask to be sick or for anyone to make sacrifices. Talk to your sister be supportive and kind. Don't beat yourself over it.
And while a candidate is fit to lead remains to be seen, we rely on our instinct to choose someone with whom we can relate.
But sometimes, our options are limited and we inevitably go with someone who is the lesser of two evils.
Curious to hear from strangers online about a hypothetical, Redditor Cashmeresquid2309 asked:
"Americans of Reddit, would you vote for an openly Atheist presidential candidate? Why or why not?"
Redditors were quick to point out the answer was a no-brainer.
We Already Know The Answer
"Asking Reddit if they'd vote for an atheist..."
"I feel like the answer would be obvious."
– sarahmagoo
Sci-Fi Analogy
"Americans of Reddit, would you vote for a Star Wars fan who heckin loves doggos?"
– WitnessChemical
For The Atheists In The Crowd
"Atheists of atheistville, would you vote for an open atheist?"
– nixcamic
Others weighed in with a range of opinions.
About 45
"What's funny is how many of them would probably say no, even though they voted for Trump and would do so again. Say whatever else you want about him, but I seriously can't understand how anyone could genuinely believe Trump is a Christian. He's so obviously faking it and is undoubtedly the most atheistic president we've ever had or are likely to have for a long time."
"This is a guy who's never even so much as read the Bible or attended church, who told a conservative radio host his favorite Bible verse was 'an eye for an eye', who told evangelical interviewers that he's never asked God for forgiveness because he's never done anything wrong, and who routinely commits all 7 deadly sins (pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth) without remorse."
– empfindsamkeit
From A Different Perspective
"Not an american but interestingly according to this survey on 1006 people from 2007, being atheist was the worst thing you could be as a candidate (of the things asked) with only 45 % of people saying they'd vote for one."
– ilovecatfish
An atheist candidate isn't necessarily a big strike.
Double Negative
"I wouldn’t not vote for someone just because they were atheist."
– HabitualEnthusiast
Credibility First
"This is it. If they’re running on platforms I support with a history to back up those campaign promises, I don’t care if they belong to the church of the flying spaghetti monster. They could literally be a member of the satanic temple and I, an actual practicing Christian, would give less shi*s than a constipated sloth."
"Edit: yes, I realize the Satanic Temple does not actually worship satan. I used it for that purpose. The Church of Satan has some…problematic views and I probably would not vote for someone who literally holds a platform of eugenics."
– Phoenix_of_Asclepius
Some view the role of religion in politics as important.
It Depends
"Religion can be relevant: I would have strong reservations about voting for a Scientologist, even if I agreed with the policies they proposed. I would have strong reservations voting for a member of an apocalyptic cult or, possibly worse, a follower of the (highly heretical) 'prosperity gospel,' which unfortunately includes more and more so-called 'evangelicals' — I didn't vote for George W. Bush, but it's not because he was an evangelical."
"It depends on the role: I'd probably be more flexible with a legislator than an executive (mayor, governor, president), as their character is IMO more important than for a legislator and their policy stances somewhat less important relative to a legislator."
"Satanic temple — well, that's just an organized group of atheists and humanists with an intentionally inflammatory choice of name. They're generally fine people."
– alyssasaccount
A Bad Rap
"The Satanic Temple is an excellent organization that every decent person should be able to respect. A Church of Satan member, not so much."
"There's a huge difference between them!"
– StarsEatArtBooks
And Redditor boganvegan said it best.
"Better an open atheist than a fake Christian."
It all boils down to trustworthiness. Without full transparency, how could anyone put their faith in a candidate who spews nothing but lies?
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I'm always freaked out when I'm home alone. Lights on. Yeah, my electric bill is high.
Dorothy?
Wind Conan Obrien GIF by Team CocoGiphy"I dreamed the front door blew open at the exact time the house alarm went off... I hopped up and sure enough, the front door was open. No intruder."
fatowl
I See You
"Not home alone but only one in right side of the house. Went to my mom's bathroom to wash my hands and saw a pair of feet behind the half open door. Laughed and said 'very funny Ma, I see you.' then finished up and left. Bumped into my mother in the kitchen unpacking, nobody else was in the house. I'm glad whatever was behind the door didn't peek out."
SatanWithFur
“It’s Doug!”
"One night I had forgotten to lock my apartment door and woke up in the middle of the night. My bedroom door was about 2 feet from my front door, as you walked into the apartment. First a big dog ran by, then a person. Holy crap I was so scared and I screeched 'Who is it?!?!!'"
"A man said 'It’s Doug!' As I was thinking to myself, who the f**k is Doug, he said 'oh, crap.' He turned around to go back out the front door saying 'Sorry.' I asked 'Didn’t you have a dog with you?' He said 'Oh, yeah. Hey, c’mon!.' He left, his dog ran out after him and I locked my front door."
"Edit: glad you all thought this was funny, because I did too, once my heart quit trying to beat right out of my chest! The next day the girls at work thought I was crazy for not being upset, but eh, done is done. Peace!"
scarletohairy
Confused...
"My sister and I were home alone and we heard someone big running up the stairs. The stairs make lots of noise with slight pressure so when there’s someone big on them you can tell. I went out of my room to check but saw no one anywhere and my sister also came out of her room and she asked if that was me I said no and we both looked around to see if there was anyone but found no one in the whole house. We were confused and called our parents and just waited until they got back and that was that."
JtSudbury04
I See You
Staring I See You GIF by QuikTripGiphy"I very clearly saw a guy walk into my room. But when I went after him there was nobody there. I checked in the closet, under my bed, everywhere one could hide in my room."
HighlyOffensive10
This is why home video surveillance is key.
"NO"
Season 5 No GIF by The OfficeGiphy"My parents were on a road trip, just left, and I sat down at my desk. I thought 'Weekend alone by myself' and a voice yelled into my right ear 'NO' so loud it hurt."
Th4ab
Wild
"I managed to lock myself out of my house on my birthday during a tornado while trying to bring my cats to the basement for safety. I later found out that the tornado was approximately a couple miles or less from me at that exact time. The sky was green and it got weirdly calm and then I could hear what sounded like a train coming before I found an unlocked window to climb through. Wild times."
SilverGnarwhal
Saturday morning in the 80s...
"I wasn't home alone but I was awake by myself one Saturday morning in the 80s when I was around 7 or so. I believe my mom was the only one home because my dad went to the lake to go fishing that weekend, and I'm not sure where my older brothers were, maybe they went with him, idk."
"Anyways, my mom's sleeping in, and I'm in the living room by myself, watching Saturday morning cartoons and making a fort out of sheets and cushions. Something made me turn around and I saw my dad in his pajamas standing in the hallway entrance with his hands on his hips, looking the mess I was making and shaking his head."
"He then turned around and walked into my room, which was just off the hallway entrance. Dude. I didn't even look, I just booked it to my parents room and woke my mom up. I don't remember what happened after that, this was around 35 years ago. And yes, my dad was fine, nothing had happened to him."
smriversong
Get the Bat...
"I was at home by myself on a call with some friends when all of a sudden my dog begins to bark like crazy, which was odd since it was the middle of the night and he's usually sleep. I go downstairs to check on him and find him barking at our hall closet, terrified I grabbed my bat that I keep in my room just in case and open the door. There was nothing out of usual at first at then I look down and notice a familiar looking object at the bottom of the closet."
"It was my mom's necklace she had lost when I was 9, (i'm 15 now just to put in perspective how long it's been). I showed it to my mom at breakfast and she was just as shocked as I was. I still have no clue how it got there or how my dog knew it was in there, definitely one of the oddest occurrences of my life."
SomeRandomIdiot14
Meow
Happy Cat GIF by ChubbiverseGiphy"Many years ago, I was 14 or so, my first night alone in the house when my parents were out. Lying on the living room floor reading, my cat sleeping next to me."
"Suddenly, cat wakes up, stares intently into the dark corner of the room behind me, hair on end, growls and then bolts out of the room and upstairs. I look behind me and see nothing, but follow cat upstairs and hide under the covers. Freaked me out."
LairdofWingHaven
Thank God for alarms. I hate being home alone.
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The body freaks me out. But it's all I've got. So teach me some things.
Minutes...
death GIFGiphy"The fastest killing virus takes around 4 days to kill you. That would be Ebola. Your immune system can kill you in 15 minutes."
will477
'locked-in'
"If your brainstem (the part of the brain that mediates most motor control for all of the body) is damaged, you can get 'locked-in' syndrome. That means you're fully conscious and aware of your surroundings but unable to move or speak. The only muscles that remain unaffected in most people are the muscles that move they eyes and the eyelids."
"You're essentially trapped within your own body with your only way of communication being blinking or moving your eyes It can be caused by toxins, blockage of the basilar artery which is the main artery of the brainstem, or other brainstem damage."
4oodler
Explosions
"Some people suffer from Exploding Head Syndrome, which causes them to hear a loud bang when they wake up."
ToraMix19
"When I was younger I believe I experienced this a few times. Sounds I heard were: about a million people talking and laughing all at once, a train that irl would've been about a foot away from me based on the volume of the sound, and a door slamming loudly."
aliaisacreature
Pain
"Not sure if this is by design, but I totaled my car once, almost completely uninjured somehow. Then I looked down to my right hand which I remember jabbing into my dashboard at 55mph. Luckily (unluckily?) only my pinky took the blow. But instead of a floppy-udder full of bone-sand, my pinky was 0.5 inches long."
"Broke no bones, but instead perfectly stacked my phalanges, or finger bones, INTO my hand. This is fixed by a muscular Russian murse grabbing your pinky with both hands and pulling very hard. God I wish they gave me more lidocaine."
TelevisionOlympics
Functions
animation art GIFGiphy"If you have a surgery where they need to move your organs around they might not function for a day as the body assumes that they are dead."
tonythebutcher13
Move things around? You mean that's not fake when it happens on "Grey's Anatomy?"
Basketball Wives Ugh GIF by VH1"The only reason you are not aware of it is because the ambient noise kind of drowns it out because your ears focus on it. If you go to one of those super-silent rooms that absorb all sorts of sounds, it is a really weird way to reacquaint yourself with your body."
Black_Handkerchief
The Mouth
"Idk about the most disturbing but how bad human teeth are. We’d think it’s our sugary and processed diets these days that cause it, but even Otzi the iceman discovered in Italy was found to have terrible teeth, mouth diseases and cavities. It’s odd that even with the most basic of diets our teeth are so bad."
Dorianisconfused
In the bowels...
"I noticed this after my abdominal surgery. When I turned over in bed my guts seemed to fall from one side to the other. Mentioned to my doc and she confirmed it was my bowels rearranging themselves."
squatter_
"Apparently the doctor just throws your intestines back in there higgeldy-piggeldy because there isn't a correct way to pack them neatly."
LostDesigner9
A Quick Burst
"There are a vast number of ways that your body can malfunction and kill you with little or no warning. An aneurysm can go undetected until it bursts and kills you. Getting hit in the chest just the right way can stop your heart. You can encounter an allergen that never previously provoked an immune response that freaks out your body so badly that you die. You literally just never know if your body will just... die."
Unsolicited_Spiders
The body is such a conundrum. Sexy and gross all at once.
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