Dating is hard.
Dating in the 21st century is harder. Dating has become some sort of elevated idea of a rung on a ladder that pushes us toward our perfect fairy tale future. Of course, though, that's just not a realistic way to live our lives, and people are so quick to abandon ship with so many options available. And therefore, we have the struggle.
u/ColaMySoda wanted to hear from the pack:
Singles of Reddit, what's your biggest dating struggle right now?
Here are some of the individual struggles.
The Shallow End
Online dating. On the surface it seems great in that you can meet people online without having to physically see each other to make contact. The trade off is the utter mountain of nonsense and completely shallow profiles.
A Life Ahead
Getting to my late 20s, I don't want to date anyone I don't see a serious future with. Makes it way too easy to pick holes in people, probably quite unfairly.
Constantly feeling like just a party trick. I can hold a conversation and crack a witty joke or reply, but most of the time I'm silent. I feel as though if I started dating someone, when they get to know the real me they'll find an empty void. I fear overstaying my welcome in someone's life and being revealed for the true bland person I am.
I'm maybe a bit too comfortable being single. I got a good thing going right now. I operate on my schedule, I do what I want when I want, and I'm able to be totally self absorbed.
Its nice - so I don't put much effort (or any at all) into dating because I'm happy right now.
In my early 20s I was fat and ugly. Now I'm almost 30 and just ugly and feel like I missed the boat.
I have no idea how to flirt or read whether women are/aren't trying to flirt with me, so I always just err on the side of caution and assume they aren't. I see it happen to others, I understand what things are done, but I just don't know how to apply it to myself.
IIIIIIIII Don't Care
Giving a sh-t. It's easier to just come home and Netflix the evening away.
Getting Past Step One
Almost every girl I meet has a boyfriend or husband.
Many people I meet can't answer their phone or respond to a text.
Many people cancel plans or don't even show up.
The ones that finally get past this initial stage are often busy so I can rarely see them.
Setup For Failure
I'm attracted to instability.
If You Cain't Love Yoself
I don't think I'm a good enough person right now to be in a healthy relationship. I'm broke, mentally ill, out of shape, and very insecure. I need to get my sh-t together before I can feel comfortable asking someone to share their life with me
Trapped In My Circle
I don't put myself in scenarios to meet other people. I go to work (small company), go home. the only time i actually come into contact with someone new is at a store or restaurant, but that seems very inappropriate to hit on someone who HAS to be there. I can't keep a conversation going with someone on tinder (either they have one word responses and it's clear they don't want to continue or I can't think of anything to say) and anyone worth dating from high-school who is single I've already asked out and been rejected ):
Truly Not Loving Yourself
I'm too indifferent... I just seem like a brick wall with no emotions from the outside, I dont often share any of my interests, which makes it hard for anyone to hold a conversation with me without akward silences. In a conversation, I'm way too dominating, but in person I'm extremely timid and scared of making people feel uncomfortable. Besides this, the only girls I come in contact with are my classmates and one female friend of mine. I don't ever go outside because of school, and thus don't meet new people. Also my voice is extremely annoying, I sound like I always have a bubble in my throat... I think that's about all..
The Spirit World
The ghosting culture. The fact that we have a date set up and they just stop talking to you. Or when you've actually had a date or two and they just stop talking to you.
It's really annoying and immature, if you're not interested just tell me I'm a big boy I can take it.
It's just the culture of online dating, I can't stand online dating.
I overthink, which leads to overreacting or too much damage control, and thus causes them to think I'm insane, so they lose interest, and then the depression kicks in.
Long story short, I need to f-cking chill.
Feeling like I have to entertain women on Tinder in order to stand out. I get that "Hi there. How are you?" is boring, particularly when 500 other men are in your inbox with that same opening line, but having to come up with a zinger, pun or memorable pickup line for every new woman I match with is tiring. I want to connect with someone, not dance like a trained monkey for them.
It isn't women's fault. There are just too many potential matches for them to wade through, but it is exhausting for a guy to have to constantly fight to be noticed among the horde of mindless, horny dudes.
The Ship Is Barren
Finding men to date. I mean I live in a rural area. Single men of my taste are rare.
I just want to remain single and enjoy my life but society things that's weird, so friends and family keep trying to coerce me into a relationship. That and too many men want kids and I want no parts in that.
That I quite frankly don't know how to date. (almost 24 and only had 1 bf ever, who I recently broke up with)
I know I need to get out more often (I mean, I keep myself busy outside the house, but I don't meet new people) But it's difficult when you're shy
Being a lesbian in a town where there's like, five other gay girls, and two are exes and three are my friends.
I'd Call Them Struggles
I don't know that you'd call them struggles, but I have a couple things that slow the process.
- I have an incredibly hard time reading interest. Multiple times, my female coworkers have looked at me incredulously because a pretty girl was flirting with me (according to them) and I didn't try anything back. I just immediately think "Oh she's being nice. That's a nice person" because I'm not going to be the creepy guy that hits on nice happy people that ruins their day.
- I have a type, and it's slim pickings where I live.
- I have a simple routine: I get to work at 6 am, I get to the gym at 2:30 pm, I get home at 4:30-5 pm. None of these things yield any chances to meet or talk to women I'm interested in, and I don't know where to go or what to do to meet the girls I'm interested in, and I wouldn't have the social skills if I did.
Call Me Maybe
Online dating sucks for a billion reasons. I find myself getting inordinately frustrated with some common patterns that I see on profiles, like someone's primary picture having a Snapchat filter, or having multiple people in every photo. There're the profiles that have nothing but "Just ask!" below them, the obvious bot models with a "Call Me" number along their profile picture. The people whose entire profiles read like they have an ax to grind, rather than saying anything remotely interesting about themselves. And so, so much more...
The whole experience is truly soul-crushing.
Lack of interest really.
I never had a problem getting dates in my 20s, but I never found someone I could quite trust enough to make a life long commitment. I have gotten close a few times but breaches of trust always happened first. That and everyone seems... uncomfortable, almost afraid... these days. Its hard to get to know people when they keep themselves so shielded.
I had just entered my 30s and its getting late in the game for me. As I get older it feels like its getting increasingly more casual. That and I feel like I am to down the life progress to keep dating women in their early/mid 20s. It is starting to feel like a power issue when you have a well paid career, a, sizable home, nice car, pay for most everything, and you are seeing someone that is still going to school or freshly graduated, working those jobs looking for that break, and are a decade or so away of being able to independently live the life style you offer. Not that its a huge deal breaker, but it makes it hard to tell how much of a woman's interest is my actual person and not what I have to offer financially. Especially when it feels like they will never tell you no because they feel like they owe it to you, when you want them to be able to.
However, in my age category its usually divorced moms everywhere, not that there is anything wrong with that, but it comes with the same issues on top of that I am not looking to take care of someone else's child. It is like I missed the train to figure that out when I was just broke and all I had to offer was out going attitude and a dirty since of humor.
Or maybe I am just a snob with trust issues and should just get over it. I haven't figured it out yet.
I meet a girl, really like her, go out on a date and have an amazing time.
I want to see her again soon, so I'll text her and wait about a week before asking her out again. Sounds normal right?
But after the first date, even after having a blast, I get nothing, very little communication, and a total about face.
Weeks go by, and I'd have given up. Not without feeling like the most worthless human being on the planet.
Needed to get that out.
Love is crazy. I've finally come to that conclusion. And marriage, you take your life in your hands and just throw caution to the wind in hopes of survival with that step.
When love falls apart, things can get real messy, real fast. And I've always been stunned by people's behavior when love subsides.
More often than not, it's like they become different people. Sometimes people are beset by tragedy and grief and sometimes people smile wide and move on. It's a coin toss.
But my favorite post divorce personality has to be the sudden super villain. Oh honey watch out for them!
Redditor u/hyperyog wanted to hear all the tea from the divorcees out there by asking:
Divorced Redditors, what is the craziest thing you or your former spouse did after divorce?
I once had a friend who burned her ex's house down when he wasn't home. He had started seeing someone almost immediately, so she thought, lemme set their sparks. Yeah, she wasn't well. Whatever happened to just a quick goodbye?
Swipeddean winters crying GIF by MayhemGiphy
"She removed the retaining clips for my windshield wipers, but put the wipers back on the arms. First storm after I got my car back from her, driver side wiper flew off the car on Interstate 40. Good times."
"He wrote suicide notes and put them in my kids backpacks for them/me to find. Then he turned off his phone and went to a coworkers house to play crib and have drinks.. all the while knowing I would be freaking out searching for him thinking he was in danger or worse. Thankfully my kids didn't see the notes and didn't know what was going on. This was just one of the many, many crazy things he did. Two years out and he just recently stopped showing up at my work and driving by my house at night."
A Sad End
"Died of a drug overdose. To be fair, her drug addiction was the reason for the divorce, so maybe that isn't too crazy."
"That's so incredibly difficult to have gone through. I unfortunately know the depths of this kind of pain, and while I'm sure the circumstances surrounding it are different, the loss that still happened is a tragedy. My condolences."
"Stalked me for 5 years. Would make fake social media profiles to try to follow me (which I would block endlessly) and would try to find where I worked so she could talk to me. This lady cheated on me with 7 different men 2 months after we were married. I kicked her a** to the curb and made her sign the court papers."
"When we had our day in court she cried in the judges office while I just wanted to get this crap done. After, my dad was with me and he threw 50 dollars at her and told her to "change your freaking last name." Good guy Pops. I haven't seen or heard from her in about 5 years, thank goodness."
Take it All!skin care spinning GIF by Primal Life OrganicsGiphy
"I had an ex-boyfriend go through my apartment and take back every gift he had given me that he could find. Then he went in my bedside table and took the condoms. And the vibrator he had given me."
See now, when I'm out... I'm out! I don't want to see you, hear from you or know you. I wish you well in life, but please live it far from me. Anyone agree? Clearly not the people here. Let's continue...
For the Boybicycling father and son GIF by NETFLIXGiphy
"All I wanted was custody of my son, I gave her everything else except one of our cars. She fought me through 5 hearings, I won. She never came to see him again."
"My ex cheated on me the week my mom died in the hospital. She spent a year and a half trying to get in touch with me. She would call my old work and make fake accounts trying to message me on FB. It was insane. She later sends a certified letter explaining she was sorry that she did what she did and that she aborted our child."
"Wanted me to meet her somewhere so she could apologize face to face. She already married some other guy that she had children with and was still trying to get in touch with me. I never understood her."
"After years of telling me she wanted a child, that she wanted to be a mom, that her life's dream was to be a stay at home mom, she got pregnant with the first guy she slept with while we were getting divorced and put the kid up for adoption even before it was born. This was a long-standing thing with her, she always wanted something (car, house, dog, cat, marriage, etc) and the second she got it she immediately hated it."
"Called me and pretended he had been hit by a car while we were talking. He even tried to voice the crowd that had gathered around his "body." God-awful acting, but pretty funny listening to him try to mimic a woman's voice. Points for trying to be inclusive, I guess."
"I think he was trying to get me to re-live my trauma of being on the phone with a friend who actually HAD been hit by a car while we were talking. Too bad he didn't realize that hearing the real thing is worlds different than hearing a dumba** try to act it out."
"I was sending 600 dollars a month to support my daughter because she's the only thing I give a sh!t about. My ex texts me and tells me I need to be sending 1200 a month because she's broke and can't pay her bills and I should feel guilty about it. She left me for another guy while I was on deployment I told her to go screw herself--call my lawyer."
Pop OffTom Hanks Drinking GIF by The Good FilmsGiphy
"Took the sodas from the fridge as he walked out the door. Dumfounded."
See, I blame Alanis Morissette and her "Jagged Little Pill" album. All I'm going to say is... the secret song. I think she gave people ideas. (I love that song) Y'all, seek therapy if you can't shake people. When it's done, let it be done.
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Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay is highly regarded for his delicious plates, his ability to run a solid restaurant, and, let's face it, his stage presence.
He's also a foul-mouthed Brit who is all too willing to dismantle people's self-esteems and compare them to livestock animals.
Alas, as watching all reality television goes, we love to see the crashing and burning.
But what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you were the one being torn into by the sailor of all chefs, Mr. Gordon Ramsay.
Wondering what horrible dishes were lurking in unknown kitchens all over the place, Redditor FalloutSl*t413 asked:
"What's something you made that was 100% delicious but Gordon Ramsay would slap you for anyway?"
Some people talked about those purely functional meals that are just perfect for piling on enough protein and calories to get through the day.
"My mom used to make us 'Volcanoes.' Mashed potatoes topped with ground beef with some ketchup. I still tear it up to this day."
Quick and Easy
"I make weeknight 'enchiladas.' "
"You stick frozen taquitos in a casserole dish and cover them with canned or frozen chili and cheese. Bake them until everything's hot, serve with a dollop of sour cream. They sound disgusting but they taste amazing, and they take like, five minutes to prep."
"I know it looks like, smells like, and probably tastes like cat food but potted meat sandwiches. Look, when you're poor as hell and you can make 3 sandwiches with one little can that cost like 20 cents, it's pretty good."
"While I'm at it, Treet and bologna are pretty great. I have the taste palette of a raccoon and I like it that way."
"When I was younger I would make this thing where it was a patty melded of:"
- "a can of tuna"
- "two eggs
"And I would eat that almost daily, pan-fried, for lunch. Just slap me now and lets get it over with."
Others shared the recipes they make to feel fancy despite being totally trashy.
A Nuanced Process
"I call them 'chicken puffs.' Some par-cooked chicken (white or dark meat, either works) with sauteed serrano peppers and onions and garlic."
"All wrapped in crescent roll dough in little balls (a bit smaller than a baseball), put in a casserole tray filled juuuuust above the top of the little dough balls with cream of roasted chicken soup. Baked to completion/safety."
"Overly indulgent and delicious."
A Famous Side
"I consistently make a box of pastaroni angel hair and herbs as a side with meals I prepare for people. EVERYONE always asks for the recipe LOL please don't tell my secret"
Just a Couple Additions
" 'Fancy Ramen' Ramen made normal. Don't mix seasoning. Drain water. Add Mayo. Then mix in seasoning. And Volia. A lot of people question it. Until they try it."
Others outlined the things they eat that combine some ingredients it may seem disgusting to mix together.
Throw An Egg On There
"Fu** it lasagna, alternating layers of bread and shredded cheese (your choice which, I use cheddar) then crack an egg on top and put it in the microwave. Old depression meal, but it still holds up."
Hard to Wrap Your Head Around
"As a kid I would eat a banana with a cheese slice. Haven't tried it in years but it might hold up" -- Send_it_to_me
"Let's not" -- Sea-Entertainer-4974
"When I was younger I would make toast with peanut butter on it, then add pepperoni. Delicious then but I cringe thinking about trying it today"
The truly horrifying thing? There are so many more recipes out there that would leave Ramsay trembling.
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People love to talk about food. There are blogs, books, television shows, conversations in bars and farmers markets. In all likelihood, there is a recipe swap happening right this second in some deep corner of a suburb somewhere.
But sometimes talk is a lot of hot air. And the topic of food sure isn't immune to that criticism.
You can't get through a day without some telling you what "you gotta try."
The problem is, talking about food is often far more exciting than the food itself.
Redditor anicaodha asked:
"What food is overhyped?"
Many people were angry about garnishes. They hated the way restaurants try to entice people to eat certain menu items by slapping some kitschy ingredient on there.
A Very Expensive Burger
"Anything with gold flakes, absolutely pointless." -- Spend_Total
"ugh, i just remembered throwing up gold flakes from goldschlager, yuck!" -- spaceygracie12
"Aka how to add a crunch to your dish like a douche." -- CakeBot_TheReckoning
Catches the Eye Though
"Any rainbow food, rainbow grilled cheese, rainbow smoothie..."
"Just a cheap money grab."
No Breath On My Meal Please
"Dragon's breath/ nitro puffs or any dessert that contains liquid nitrogen to make it look cool." -- throwjango
"This stuff exists? God, I'm out of the loop." -- -The-Magic-8-Ball
"Truffle oil, usually doesn't contain a single truffle." -- BlckontheMoon
"The 1 thing I love about Truffle oil is I've never seen someone use it on a cooking competition show and not lose." -- igotmadshirts
Some people talked about the big trends that they just never could quite figure out.
That Almighty Nectar
"Remember when people were treating Nutella like it was the second coming of Christ?" -- Grapezard
"I had an Italian friend once invite me to his birthday party in high school. His mom made a Nutella pie and it was one of the greatest desserts I've never had the pleasure of trying again. It was so simple, like a soft flaky dough covered with Nutella."
"I don't want to come out of the blue and ask this kid for his mom's recipe 15 years later so I'll just suffer I suppose." -- JupiterTarts
"Red velvet is literally a red chocolate cake that has nowhere near enough chocolate and to much red food coloring. It literally was invented when done dudes chocolate turned kinda red when he added vinegar to the chocolate cake mix."
"Friends loved the color, but it was finicky to get the red color without changing flavor of cake, so he decided to use red food coloring."
"Fu**ing Avocado Toast.
"Avocado is a buck. Toast is few cents. Avocado Toast is $10+"
And some discussed the things that people insist are fancy and delectable, but are really just run of the mill entirely.
Meat is Meat?
"steak is good, and I'd even say a high quality steak can be very very good. But people act like it's better than busting a nut and that's just not true. It's just meat"
"Lobster. It's good, but poor value given it's almost always the most expensive protein available."
"Plus most places just drown it in butter, which again, fine, but if all you taste is butter, why spend that much?"
Depends on the House
" 'Housemade' ketchup. Give me the damn Heinz and get your banana aoili mess away from me." -- peanutbutterallytime
"I live in Pittsburgh and I have seen multiple restaurants try and fail to make housemade ketchup work. Every single time they go back to Heinz." -- HooBoy401
So if you find yourself tired of hearing people go on and on about something you don't go wild over, know that there are others fuming too.
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It's not easy to always do the right thing.
Which is why most people don't usually do the right thing. Doing the right thing involves a lot of thought, empathy for others, and a self-awareness of your place in the world. You're not making a choice just for yourself, you're more often than not doing it for someone else. This, in itself, presents a difficult hill for most people to climb so, usually, they feel it's easier to make the selfish choice.
Doesn't mean people always do. They can surprise you sometimes.
*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
What's the hardest moral decision you've ever had to make?
Even when the choice amounts to something small, it can still matter to someone else.
How Dare You Make Me Morally Astute?!
"This is small potatoes compared to most of the people on this thread but many years ago I was travelling and had very little money. I went to a stall at a market, handed them a 10 dollar bill. Item cost 5 dollars but instead of handing me a five dollar note, the handed me a 50."
"I was walking away from the stall when noticed. My first thought was BONUS. But I had lately been hanging out with a bunch of people who were really into karma. So I stormed back to the stall, slammed the 50 down on the counter and told them off for making me make moral decisions. Lady behind the counter was like "ahhhhhh, thanks"
Didn't Believe The First Time, But Can't Deny Visual Evidence
"I told a co-worker his wife was cheating on him. It ruined our friendship for a good amount of time, until he caught her himself."
"To bad he couldn't just believe you."
Owning Up To The Mistake
"Fessing up to an error I made at work that cost the company 5k. I was a manager and misinterpreted a sales promotion. I almost lost my job, this is the one time that telling the truth actually saved me. It's true what they say that the cover up is usually worse than the crime. Lesson learned.."
Doing something morally correct when it comes to family can be tricky. On one hand, you don't want to ruffle the feathers of the people you're going to be related to for the rest of your life...which is how family works.
On the other hand, do the right thing.
Making The Best Call For Your Children
"Removing the mother of my two sons out of their lives completely as she was unfit and abusive while I was on deployment. They were 3-4 years old then and now they are 17 and 15 with their mother never attempting to come back into their lives which I would prefer at this point."
Because They're Going To Be Sad Later...
"My grandmother died, and I lied to my parents about it."
"My grandparents were 95 and my parents hadn't had a vacation in 30 years. So when she passed away with only 5 days remaining on their vacation, my family decided not to ruin it for them; instead, we'd plan the entire funeral and if my mother wanted to make adjustments when she returned, we'd arrange it for her; there was nothing they could do to get her back."
"Having to decide on the DNR (do not resuscitate) order for my father who had been victim to a massive stroke..."
"I know millions have done it before and millions will again but to me it was devastating....."
"As a health worker, you did the right thing by your father. I've come across families of patients who keep them alive for their own peace of mind while the patient themselves is tired and in alot of pain mentally and physically from the constant treatments and would rather rest from it all. Don't feel bad for your decision."
Never doubt your actions when it comes to protecting children.
"Calling CPS on a student's family after she begged me not to. CPS did an investigation and she was pissed at me for months until the vice principal had a talk with her and explained that I only did it because I care and didn't want her to get hurt."
"That VP is awesome. I sat in his office while he coached me through the call, since it was my first time calling CPS."
Standing Up For Your Friend, Even When No One Else Will
"I was in high school and my best friend was being bullied on the bus. She brought a knife to school and had previously mentioned a list of people. I cried a lot when I went to the principal to turn her in. I knew I was ruining her life but I wanted her to get help. I didn't want anyone to get hurt because we were all just kids. She was expelled and forced into therapy. We had been friends since we were 11."
"My mom listened on the phone line when I was trying to comfort my friend (while absolutely not admitting it was me) and my mom jumped on and told her I'm not allowed to be her friend anymore. I had told my mom I had turned her in and she had no empathy for this girl. Because I had been bullied and stood up for myself and never "did anything like that". My friend was getting cornered on the bus by 4 people whereas I was normally taunted in public and was lucky enough to always have an upperclassmen or school employee around to help me out. I felt guilty about turning her life upside down for many years but would do it again because she did get help."
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/