Silly People Share The Best Names They've Given To Inanimate Objects
Silly People Share The Best Names They've Given To Inanimate Objects
[rebelmouse-image 18359888 is_animated_gif=Do you name your favorite stuff?
moneybot13 asked, What inanimate object have you given a name?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Beware of penguin thing.
[rebelmouse-image 18359889 is_animated_gif=I have a humidifier that looks like a penguin named Sir Puffington Blue. He's broken, and about a year ago I put him in a dumpster. About an hour later I went back out and rescued him. I couldn't take the guilt. Now Sir Puff guards the basement.
The name is very fitting.
[rebelmouse-image 18359890 is_animated_gif=My dressmaker's mannequin. She wears all of the things I make, and her name is Marie Antoinette because she doesn't have a head.
Everybody gets to ride Jezebel.
[rebelmouse-image 18359891 is_animated_gif=My old car was named Jezebel. The whore of Babylon. She needed jumping a lot lol
Do they come alive at night? Bet they do.
[rebelmouse-image 18359893 is_animated_gif=I have like 15 garden gnomes. They all have names. Nigel, Arthur, Clarence, etc.
And our GPS is named Wanda.
Poor Lorraine, all those Rooma hazards.
[rebelmouse-image 18359895 is_animated_gif=Our Roomba is named Lorraine. Just because every morning after we feed the dogs it's time to go find where the Roomba wedged itself or ran out of battery.
For some reason, it's just entertaining to me to say "Lorraine! Where you at girl?" then when I find her tangled in headphone cords or under the couch I'll say "Lorraine, you so crazy"
I'm a simple man.
Beuford the snail cookie jar.
[rebelmouse-image 18359896 is_animated_gif=We have a ceramic snail cookie jar that we put a fake mustache on and named Beuford. We also named our Google Home "Gillie Hog" for times when we want to talk about her but not be activated.
Here's a pic, you know you want one.
Might as well name things we keep around.
[rebelmouse-image 18359897 is_animated_gif="Knifey" - My chef's knife whom I've kept quite sharp and used for most of my meals for the last 7 years.
"Castie" - My cast iron skillet whom I've kept well-seasoned and used for most of my meals for the last 6 years.
They're good boys.
Did Wilbur and Charlotte ever hookup?
[rebelmouse-image 18359898 is_animated_gif=I named my laptop Charlotte. My USB is in the shape of a pig, and I named him Wilbur.
The internet on my laptop I call... Charlotte's web.
Hopefully named after guitar players...
[rebelmouse-image 18359899 is_animated_gif=Guitars...all of mine have names!
Can you get me some milk of magnesia?
[rebelmouse-image 18359900 is_animated_gif=We call the fancy wood table in our upstairs hallway "The Davenport", after the Family Guy episode where Brian is dating the older woman, and at the end, she runs through all the old-fashioned names for her pieces of furniture as she instructs Brian where to leave her spare keys.
Rita: I'm sorry Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go.
Brian: But Rita...
Rita: Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
Brian: Here?
Rita: No, the davenport - the chesterfield.
Brian: On this?
Rita: No - does that look like a divan to you?
Brian: Here?
Rita: Leave them on the chifferobe.
Brian: You know what - just take your f_cking keys.
So much nostalgia in one sentence.
[rebelmouse-image 18359901 is_animated_gif=My old gaming rig's name was Speedy Gonzales, but the graphics card isn't what it used to be, so now it's Slowy Gonzales.
Awww that's cute. He won't harm nobody.
[rebelmouse-image 18359902 is_animated_gif=I have a deformed toenail that doesn't grow out but just gets thicker and twisted. I call him Quasimotoe.
Sounds like a prickly group.
[rebelmouse-image 18359903 is_animated_gif=I named all of my cacti - Juan, Hernandez, Stephen and Fred
Not inanimate but super cute anyway.
[rebelmouse-image 18359904 is_animated_gif=We don't have any cacti but our venus fly trap is named Charlie.
And unlike people they won't let you down.
[rebelmouse-image 18345768 is_animated_gif=literally EVERYTHING!
Stuffed animal? That's Juan
Found a cool rock? Timothy loves his new home!
Roommate got a new plant? That ain't no chocolate daisy, that's flippin' Soybean Sasha!
Basically, if it can ever be brought up in conversation, I have likely already named it.
Clever puns are always worth sharing.
[rebelmouse-image 18359905 is_animated_gif=I have a crescent wrench at work I call Crescente Fernandez after the Mexican singer Vicente Fernandez. I never realized what a loser I am until now.
Hey now minivans can be sexy too...
[rebelmouse-image 18359906 is_animated_gif=Our minivan is called "Shadowfax". Because it wasn't already enough of a panty-dropper.
Your first car is a special bond.
[rebelmouse-image 18359907 is_animated_gif=I called my first car "The Silver Surfer". It was silver colored and gave me the freedom to go around. Seemed fitting.
Does Sudsy require rinsing?
[rebelmouse-image 18359909 is_animated_gif=Our dishwasher is named Sudsy.
How fitting.
[rebelmouse-image 18359910 is_animated_gif=We have a floor lamp that I've hung all of my scarves on and we call it Johnny Depp.
If you were a middle schooler in the late 90s or early 2000s, it was hard to walk down a hall without hearing "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" at least once a day.
When South Park premiered on Comedy Central in the summer of 1997, it not only put the then fledgling cable network on the map, but soon became a phenomenon for it's crude humor, and biting satire.
Be it Tom Cruise and the church of Scientology, Barbra Streisand, or then entire country of Canada, no one was safe from creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone's ridicule.
And every time viewer's thought "Oh, they won't possibly go there", you can be sure they did.
Leaving viewers shocked, amazed, and falling off their chairs laughing.
"What is the best South Park episode?"
...And Yet They Made It Funny...
"'Child Abduction Is not Funny' is my favorite episode."- redbush4real
A Show Set In Colorado Was Bound To Have A Skiing Episode
"I don’t know if it’s the best, but the one we quote the most often is The 80’s skiing movie/timeshare one."
'"STANNNNN DARSH'"
'"dude, he’s got Heather!'"
'"You need a montageeeee."- Bewildered_Wildcat
Lived Up To Its Title...
"'Awesome-o' is definitely my favorite."- Dr-Phil420
eric cartman robot GIF by South Park GiphyThe Only Good Time Anyone Should Have With Weapons
"'Good Times with Weapons', The ninja episode!"- liamsnorthstar
And It Didn't Stand For Marlon Brando Lookalikes...
"Cartman joins NAMBLA."- ycultak
Oh, the Shake Weight...
"Not the * very best* episode of all time, but I'm personally partial to Creme Fraiche."- Colour_me_in_
exercise sharon marsh GIF by South Park GiphyAnd Now They Own It...
"Casa Bonita."- Electrical-Lead5993
The Only Nanny Who Could handle Cartman!
"How has no one mentioned the 'Dog Whisperer' episode?"
"That one was hilarious and probably one of my favorite episodes."- RJValdez216
Butters Better Than Anyone, You Don't Mess With Cartman!
"Anything with Butters."
"His innocence and naivety always leads to hilarity."
"Butters Own Episode is one of my all-time faves."
"Outside of Butters episodes, 'Scott Tenorman Must Die' was fantastic."- tuanies
scared butters stotch GIF by South Park GiphyWhat HASN'T Cartman Gotten Up To?
"'Fatbeard'."
"The way Cartman glorifies living as a Somalian pirate as a fun life of adventure and then actually trying to do it, along with the song, is comedic gold."- htisme91
Tom Cruise Is Still Fuming...
"'Trapped in the Closet'."
"Sure it got Isaac Hayes to quit because Matt and Trey made fun of Scientology, but in all fairness, f*ck Scientology."- No_Restaurant4688
Beware Of Wendy...
"The one where Wendy fights Cartman."- SituationAshamed707
season 20 20x1 GIF by South Park GiphyEnough Said...
"THEY TURK OUR JERBS!!!"- Dr_Hump
And Still One Of The Least Controversial Things Russell Crowe Ever Did...
"MAKIN' MOVIES MAKIN' SONGS AND FIGHTIN' ROUN THE WORLD."- Frosty_Spray_8867
That Final Image Though!
"City sushi and city wok episode made my day."- shadow7658
south park f GIFGiphyWith 321 episodes in the bag, viewers certainly had a lot to choose from.
Now that it's been renewed through 2027, there will be even more hilarious, shocking, and disgusting episodes to choose from.
Always teetering on what some might consider bad consider bad taste.
Everyone agrees that there are far too many professions that do not get the pay and recognition they deserve.
Ironically, many of the people who worked in these professions were deemed "essential workers" during the height of the pandemic, as they were the ones who still had to report to work when everyone else had to work from home.
Even if being "essential" didn't result in higher pay or better benefits for any of them.
Reflecting on this often makes one roll their eyes at how much money people make in jobs that seem anything but "essential."
Professions which some might even argue are preventing the world from becoming a better place.
Or, at the very least, not adding anything all that positive to it.
"What job position is 100% overvalued and overpaid?
And Still have Stubble!
"Gillette 'engineers'."
"They took 5 years to go from 3 blades to 4."- plexxxy
Taking Paid Vacation Days To a whole new Level
"Member of the International Olympic Committee (IOC)."
"They've had a lengthy history of excessive demands ($4 million US spent on 'entertainment' in Nagano, traffic lanes dedicated to IOC members during the games, etc.)."
"They make very few decisions, all of which are politically motivated."
"They travel extensively and are paid well for it."- brighter_hell
The Least He Could Do Is Show Up!
"My IT director."
"He's never around, automates his email, and he has his own company."- ds_vii·
James Willems Tech Support GIF by Rooster TeethGiphyCase By Case Basis...
"If someone else is 'Regional VP' they are either drowning in responsibilities working 70 hrs a week; or they have absolutely nothing to do other than collecting a check."- drchris6000
AKA, Professional Joy Rider!
"Ferrari strategist."- sakbak
Pay Raise With No Added Responsibilities
"Generally, US government contractor positions requiring high security clearances."
"Entry level pay isn't that high, but once you're cleared other contractors will offer bigger bucks because you can get cleared with them quickly."
"Jump from one to another, wait two years, do it again, lather, rinse, repeat."-
Chicago Fire Nbc GIF by One ChicagoGiphySeems Like She's The One Reaping The Rewards...
"My mum from whom I am estranged works as the vice president of reward at an international company."
"She basically arranges contracts so millionaires can get more money and gets paid 189,000 pounds a year for it."
"Even she thinks it’s ridiculous."- NZKhrushchev
Football Has Its Problems... No Matter Which One You're Referring To!
"President of FIFA."- LucyVialli
If You Ever Wonder Why Your Tuition Is So High...
"About two-thirds of the upper-level admins at the university I work for."- min_mus
season 3 netflix GIF by Gilmore Girls GiphySeriously Though, Don't Underestimate Great Childcare
"One night I babysat three kids for about 2 hours or so."
"The kids went to bed when I got there, and the parents had left dinner out for me, so all I did was eat their food and watch their TV and pet their dogs."
"When they got home the mom paid me $100."
"I told her that was way too much."
"She slurred 'Don't worry about it, I'm drunk'."
"And then I noticed her fly was down."
"So that was the most over paid job ever lol."- RootMan322
No Raise For Turbulence...
"My uncle was a commercial airline pilot."
"He described his job as 'vastly overpaid in normal circumstances and vastly underpaid in emergency situations'.”- idreallyrathernotktx
Problems In The American Healthcare System? The Very Thought!
"Hospital CEO’s."
"And actually almost all hospital upper management."
"There are so many layers of management that many of them barely step foot into a healthcare facility EVER, let alone EVER speak to a patient, yet all of them make 6, 7, 8 figure salaries plus mega bonuses."
"My hospital network CEO makes $11 million salary, not including bonuses, which bothers me, but bothers me even more are all the board members and sh*t directly under him making nearly as much."
"It’s hundreds of millions of wasted money paid to the people trying to screw staff out of good pay and screwing patients into paying big bills."- Uajpqsa
emergency room doctor GIF by South Park GiphyApparently You Have To Pay To Find Out...
"I still don't know what big-firm 'consultants' do."- moeriscus
Paid Naps...
"My last job in college, before starting my career."
"I was an overnight shelter staff for transitional housing.'
"Since these clients were basically back up on their feet by the time they arrived, they were pretty self-sufficient."
"I was paid about 25% higher than other night-shift jobs I could get at the time, and on most nights all I had to do was make one pot of coffee."
"The rest of the time I could watch TV, play video games, do personal chores, etc."
"The one job that I know was better was their overnight sleeper, since we had to have two staff at all times."
"As implied, this dude made a well-above minimum wage rate to just sleep there on the weekends."- EleanorSofia
When Misfortune Works In Your Favor...
"The one I had at my last office job."
"I was originally hired to be the manager of a new project, but the project was never launched and I had a long term contract."
"After 5 months of being paid by only clocking in and out without doing any actual work, someone saw me in the pool for available associates and invited me to join their project as a frontline agent."
"Apparently at some moment the database just marked me as an available employee, without mentioning the rank I had been hired for."
"I stayed in the company for 6 years, getting paid the salary of a manager, but with the responsibilities of a regular agent."
"I rejected every offer for 'growth' I had, as I was only working there to pay for a debt."
"In the end, I made my money with very little stress, and left the company in great terms."- flacocaradeperro
martin freeman sleeping GIFGiphyIt's a pretty sobering thought, indeed, to know that there are people getting paid a sizable salary in addition to benefits.
When some people finish a night shift, only to get an hour of sleep before heading to their next job to make sure they can pay their rent.
The world we live in...
Attraction is almost always instant.
So is losing attraction.
I once lost interest on a date because of how they held a fork... long story.
So when surfing the apps, we often find turnoffs immediately.
It could be a pic or a profile.
People really need to put more effort into looking at these sites.
Redditor GIazednConfused wanted to hear about all the things that make us lose our attraction immediately, so they asked:
"Men of Reddit on dating apps, what’s something you see on a woman’s profile that instantly turns you off?"
Turn ons/turn offs, it's all so easy.
I hate rude profiles.
You first
Valentines Date GIF by BumbleGiphy"If they say 'I don’t contact first' on Bumble."
nyqs81
"A lot of profiles are copy/pasted from other dating profiles they've made but I also like to think Bumble has acknowledged this by allowing gals to make the first move by sending an emoji instead of making them write something."
The_Owl_Bard
More than 1
"When it's 2-3 of the same people in every single picture and I have no idea who she is. That level of obliviousness is so unattractive. Disturbingly obvious filters."
AlmostEasy89
"Group photos make sense as PART of a profile. Your first picture should be just of you, but shots of me actually on stage or with my performance troupe are about as 'real' an image as you're gonna get of me in my element."
"A bunch of pictures of me playing video games by myself alone is a much worse sell than 'look at my huge assortment of friends and adventures we go on together.'"
Kokeshi_Is_Life
Fireworks
"If you have to state that you hate drama specifically, you LOVE drama."
elevencharles
"In my experience, the ones who hate drama are constantly surrounded by it because they started it. The ones who love it have distant friends or acquaintances who start drama, so all they have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks."
Ninjahkin
"I never realized this until you said it, but yeah, I f**king love drama, but I'm always the guy making popcorn and just watching it all unfold. If something comes up that involves me and could lead to drama, I nip that s**t in the bud before it sprouts whenever possible."
Sorcatarius
Hey. NO!
"I remember a profile like this, saying 'don't just say hey.' She referenced something about birds on her profile, which I like, so I opened with that - 'top three favorite birds, go' and then gave my list."
"Her response was 'my list: 0 birds.'"
"I recently went through a period in my life in which I got hundreds of matches, and out of them I'd say I could count on my fingers the number who actually knew how to have a conversation. It makes me so mad because before this, women had always told me that was specifically a male problem."
DiskPidge
Blah
Happy Bugs Bunny GIF by Looney TunesGiphy"‘Entertain me’ - ‘don’t be boring.’ Typically these people are the dullest and most entitled people I’ve ever interacted with."
beansff
No YOU entertain ME.
I like Catwoman
Harley Quinn Dancing GIF by DCGiphy“'I’m looking for my Joker to my Harley Quinn.'"
"Sorry, but unless it’s for cosplay or Halloween, that tells me you’re rather dysfunctional in relationships and somehow thrive in it."
JustAnOrdinaryRyan
Who?
"I love when every picture is a group picture and some have the same women in each. Bonus points if everyone is wearing sunglasses. Great... which one are you?"
"'Looking for my partner in crime.' None of the women who put that are actually down for armed robbery or money laundering."
Leadingman_
I Got Goals
"One profile I saw a while back, the woman stated that she wouldn't consider any man who makes less than 100K. There are more subtle ways to convey that: 'I want someone ambitious, driven, and successful in his career.' The way she phrased it made her look like a gold digger, especially since she wasn't making anything close to that amount."
"Edit: This was back in the early 2000s. These days, I'm sure the goalpost has moved to 200K."
foxpaws42
Rules First
"It's been a couple years, but back then I had a few 'rules' that were instant passes."
"My main rule was any corrected age. If their profile said 22 and the first line of the bio was immediately '19. Who knows if they're even the age they say they are now."
"My other rule of thumb was not having their face in their first pic, i.e. neck down shot. You'd be surprised how many had this."
Ayziak
Yuck
"Cigarette smoker. No offense to those who smoke. I personally do not like it and wouldn’t want to be with someone who does it. I’ve tried it like twice out of curiosity and instantly knew it wasn’t for me."
Safe_Nerve9644
It takes so little to like someone a little less.
These Redditors can't be alone in their turnoffs.
Do you have any non-starters? Let us know in the comments below.
Life is fleeting.
We face the end every second of the day.
We have no idea about the ticking time bombs in our bodies.
We have no clue what's around every corner we turn.
When face to face with death, the mind wonders.
Or maybe it finds peace.
Redditor LaVidaFiesta wanted to hear about the times we've been SHOOK by the aspect of dying, so they asked:
"When did you think you would die, but didn't?"
I've lost track of times I've been near death, mostly all traffic incidents.
I always start praying.
Road Hazard
Driving Jim Carrey GIF by Morgan CreekGiphy"Dated a dangerous driver. One night he decided, with me in the car, to overtake a lorry on a country road where he couldn't see crap. We were seconds from a head-on collision and I never set foot in his car again. He later had to go to prison for driving offences."
Impressive-Bench9223
So Much Blood
"When I was 17, in 1989, I got shot outside of a party in Detroit. So much blood, s**t hurt like hell, burned hotter than the sun. But twas just a flesh wound, didn't hit any vital organs."
StuckInNov1999
Palpitations
"'Minor' heart attack at 37. Nothing minor about feeling like you're drowning on land."
K1rkl4nd
"Go tell that to my dad who refused to take me to the hospital when the 19 yo me asked him to go cause I felt like something was definitely wrong with my heart when it happened 24 yo now, and my cardiologist been saying that I'm a miracle and if I didn't have an healthy and 'athletic' heart I would probably not be here anymore."
BornDifference1216
Roll With It
"My friends dragged me up to the mountains without my knowledge (i was told we were just going for a drive until we were halfway there). So I'm already at the mountain and I'm like... 'aight i guess ill just roll with it.' They had me build the fire since I'm the only one thats any good at building fires. Long story short the smoke inhalation caused me to have extreme asthma without an inhaler."
"Everyone refused to take me to the hospital the entire day. I ended up coughing so forcefully and so often that I ended up with pneumomediastinum (a hole in the lung causing air to leak into the mediastinum). Needless to say I cut off all ties with them."
Thanks_I_Hate_You
No Air
"When I woke up with an asthma attack and couldn’t breathe."
Appropriate_Tea9048
"The most frightening feeling in the world... I moved to a different city with a different climate, and my asthma attacks usually will start with coughs, but now it's just a little uncomfortable and boom, my throat is closed... Very, very scary. Hope your asthma is under control."
pixieface28
ALIVE!!
Giphy"I was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal colon cancer and given 4 months to a year. I thought I would be dead by now but I’m still alive coming up to 8 months since the diagnosis. Starting to feel a bit of pain otherwise I’m fine."
Big-End-9824
Never stop living when you can.
Fast & Furious
paul walker pw GIFGiphy"Car tried passing a truck going maybe 120kmh. I was going 100kmh. Head on. Time did slow down but it was calm just accepting I was going to die. Paramedics went to the scene expecting nobody to survive and I came out with couple minor injuries. Haven’t been scared to die since."
beansff
Disconnected
"Almost two years ago, my now ex-wife got really made at me. Way more than normal it was so bad I asked her to stop the car and let me out. She stopped, I opened the door, put my feet on the ground and she floored the car! The rear wheel ran over my arm, neck, and shoulder."
"Cracked skull , small brain bleeding loss of mass in the frontal lobe, disconnected my Brain from my nose. What I can't get over is the headlights coming back at me. She told the police the car door just opened."
lincolnstar
In my mind...
"I met with an accident where a huge bus knocked me riding a cycle. It came from behind, there were no other vehicles to be seen, and I saw what was gonna happen to me. I knew I was gonna die, but luckily, I was thrown to the other side of the road and survived with small injuries. In my mind, I was gonna die and I just could not believe I lived."
Martiallawtheology
In the Water
"I was out swimming with some friends and since I've been swimming my entire life I wasn't worried about swimming far out and diving by myself. So there I was, 150m away from the nearest person, diving in the sea. All of a sudden a sharp pain hits me in the leg and the shock causes me to breathe out. There I am, alone a couple of meters under the surface, thinking 'I'm dead if I don't calm down.'"
"With that in mind I force the pain away and start using the rest of the body to swim up with. I reach the surface and swim to shore. The whole thing lasted just a couple of seconds but it really didn't feel like it at the time. If I hadn't been swimming my whole life I could've easily died that time. Now it wasn't the closest I've been to dying but it felt the closest."
darkcyberleon
The River
Bless Jason Watkins GIF by Mammoth ScreenGiphy"I can't swim we were crossing a river I was front passenger seat and and we started taking on water my side quickly filled and my seatbelt wouldn't unbuckle."
laglagoon
Life is precious.
Never take a moment for granted.
Do you have any near-death experiences? Let us know in the comments below.