Sometimes, well, many times, being single is the way to go. And we seem to learn that lesson the hard way.
You know within minutes if a date has gone off the rails.
I'm not talking about a "let's ease into this because of nerves" situation.
Crazy is crazy! Once you get that feeling of... "I'd rather be home listening to Adele," just go home and listen to Adele.
Redditor Zuzpo wanted everyone to share about the times they quickly realized being single was the better option. They asked:
"What was the moment you realized that you shouldn’t have showed up to a date?"
Are we so hopeful for love we'll ignore what is slapping us in the face? Why?
Wolf
Pbs Nature Wolf GIF by Nature on PBS
Giphy
"When he bit my forearm really hard after smelling the perfume on my wrist." ~ vanhamm3rsly
I hate charcuterie!!
"An alleged friend told me her coworker and I would be great together and wanted to do a double date at a festival with her and her husband. Date suggested he and I meet up the night before to get to know each other and I suggested a gaming bar I'd wanted to try."
"Date time arrives and he's not there. He finally shows up and tells me he had to stop home to let the dogs out so they don't sh*t all over the floor. He then proceeds to show me a picture of a floor covered in dog poop and says guess it didn't work. He is still wearing his work clothes."
"It has been three hours since work ended and he went home to deal with the dogs but didn't change. He proceeds to eat the rest of the charcuterie plate I ordered by himself and then orders wings for himself. We decide to check out a game since I have now paid for more game time. He wants a mall madness game that is not designed for two people. We settle on a playable game."
"It's not great. As we are wrapping up he tells me the last date he took here had sex with him in the parking lot he stares at me expertly. I tell him that's not going to happen. I tell my friend I'm skipping the festival. He's shocked and thought we had a spark." ~ Polyf**kery
Who's that Girl?
"My mom met a nice girl during the day, unknown to me. My mom and I were supposed to go out for dinner that night. She invites the girl, unknown to me, then ditches the dinner once she knows she has set me up on a date. My mom was very worried I was gay at the time."
"The girl and I get to chatting over drinks, she's fun, flirty, cute - and a meth-addicted sex worker who thought it was some weird kink game that she was being hired to get into the middle of. So...YEA. She was understanding when we realized the mix-up, but I gave my mom sh*t for that one for years." ~ Yvaelle
Blind Dates...
"I went on a date a few months after me and my college gf had broken up. I had matched with this girl off of tinder and we messaged a bit, but she was relentless about wanting to know more about my ex and how I felt after the break up. I looked past this and met her for dinner a couple nights later."
"I walked in the restaurant and my ex is sitting at the table under that girl's name. I turned around to walk out and got a tinder notification from the girl I had agreed to meet 'you’ll never be able to get away from me.' Should have stayed home that night, and steer clear of blind dates." ~ Automatic_Doctor4934
When in England...
Waving London GIF by PLAYMOBIL
Giphy
"When she told me my English accent was dumb, and then repeatedly shouted out that everyone else in the bar had a dumb English accent. FYI, it was a bar in England." ~ notJeffbutGeoff
Yeah, people making fun of you or biting you is an exit strategy to utilize. RUN!!
I'm Done...
Seth Meyers Lol GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers
Giphy
"When at the party I met her at and her boyfriend said 'Go ahead, take her. I’m sick of her crap.'” ~ cleric3648
I'm Out!
"I was supposed to pick him up at his air bnb so we could go out for dinner and drinks. Turns out the air bnb was actually his parents house. I thought it was weird that he lied about where he was staying but figured he was just embarrassed so I didn’t make a big deal about it. When I suggested a place I wanted to go for dinner he told me his parents made dinner so he wanted to stay there to eat and go out for drinks after."
"I felt super awkward about having dinner with his family on our first date, but it got worse. He made me a plate of food, and had me sit at a table in the garage, and told me he’d be right back. Then he went inside and had dinner with his whole family while I sat alone in the garage. I wish I could say I noped out of there, but unfortunately I stuck it out for the worst date night of my life." ~ squisheekittee
400 times NO!
"When he said he was actually from an entirely different state, looked completely different from his photos and then asked if he could borrow $400 for Methadone before we even ordered. I left immediately. Been stalking me for over ten years. Fun times." ~ AlienFemTech
Just Run
"She was a kleptomaniac. Thought she was exaggerating or maybe just went through a tough time. Then she showed me the pile of legal paperwork. She was on 1st name terms with the judge she had been to court so many times. Then she asked me to touch her back."
"Said she felt super sweaty from the MCAT she'd taken and then showed me how she disposed of her used needles because she was a heroin addict. Should have noped out sooner but she was sweet but yeah, she needed a therapist not a boyfriend." ~ DeadlyChaffinch
Chicken Issues
mr bean eating GIF
Giphy
"When he didn't let me look at a menu, ordered for me (a water and a kids chicken tender meal- I'm 24), ate half my meal, and was talking so much about himself he spit pieces of chicken at/on me." ~ EstetheAinur
A quick hello can lead to a quick goodbye. That's ok. Sometimes that is life. Embrace the quick goodbye when necessary.
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Reddit user Purple_Pineapple_752 asked:
"If God gave you his powers for 1 hour, What would you do?"
So here's the thing, Reddit has no chill.
Like none.
So every random whim, thought, or chip on people's shoulders certainly came out in the comments.
And honestly... it's delicious.
Some Redesigns Needed
"Redesign human knee and shoulder joints. Because, seriously, I've got some bug reports that have been ignored."
- m_sporkboy
"You’ve got my vote! As a nearly 30yr old with chronic arthritis, I’d say thank you!"
- RiskyBisc
"Yup. Tore my ACL the other month in college football and am now a 'house potato' according to my dad."
- Bu11tproofTiger
"Both of my shoulders are reconstructed. My hips are finished as well an I'm in my 30s ."
"I think the human body needs to be made of better quality parts at this point lol"
- lolparty247
GiphyGame Time
"Elected politicians, and candidates for office can no longer lie."
"Intentionally or unintentionally, every thing they express will be truth. If they try to lie, it will come out truth."
"This is not meant to be wholly benevolent."
"No half truths. No vagaries. The plain and objective truth, or silence. Those are their options."
"And it applies to all elected politicians, officially government sponsored ones (MPs) or otherwise, like say the elected spokesman of the IRA."
"Let the games begin."
- AlphaTangoFoxtrt
"This is actually terrifying."
"Imagine you are elected. You want to know the nuclear launch codes? No worries, just try to state the first character in the sequence."
"You cannot lie. So what you say will come out as correct. Now just have someone write it down."
"Want the password to the white house twitter account? No worries, just get someone to vote you into some form of office. Could be you and joe-no-body, it doesn't matter."
"Privacy would end overnight."
"No no no, you want them to not be able to tell intentional lies. Then at least it's limited to things they know. And just for good measure, give every elected official a strong sense of questioning their own knowledge."
- UFO64
"I feel like this power will end up being a monkeys paw. You try to do good but it has an equal/opposite reaction..."
"You make it so politicians can't lie, and the followers just accept it and still vote them into power."
"Make it so people have critical thinking and aren't easily misled by conspiracies and propaganda, then I dunno, maybe we find out we needed conspiracies in our life and we now no longer question anything.. Idk.."
"You remove corruption and it has some unforeseen knock on impact where now South American or African countries become super powers and a new cold war erupts with new players."
"Yeh monkeys paw... Beware of this power..."
- splashbodge
GiphyToast Technicalities
"Create various images on toast and have fun watching believers react to them."
- CaptchaSolvingRobot
"But technically... they would be right because it was you as God!! You!!"
- SonOfARemington
"I’ve often wondered how many people eat their Jesus toast without ever bothering to check."
"Extending the thought, how many people actually do check their toast only to think to themselves, 'Hey! It’s Keanu Reeves!' ”
- smeeding
GiphyCan We Vote For This Person?
"1st of all, I would make it so that everyone napping always wakes up refreshed. All naps now last 23 minutes but feel like 4 hours of perfect sleep."
"Nothing is addictive."
"All men are given perfect recall about everything their wives have said or done."
"All women obtain positive body images."
"Taco trees."
"People who are cool never have their shoe laces come undone. A-holes have their laces break every Friday."
"Dogs stay small puppies for 3 extra months and come out potty trained."
"Turtles can play trumpet."
"America switches to metric with no fuss."
"The internet makes sense to everyone over 70....but they chose to avoid social media anyway."
"Corn syrup goes away."
"All religions announce simultaneously that God is kinda... but not exactly gay."
"Every swastika owned drawn or tattooed is slowly burned away over a week. It hurts really bad and is replaced by a picture of a teddy bear blowing a very startled looking Nick Cage."
- Ethandrul
"You had me at trumpet turtles and taco trees."
- fallen87angel
"I also choose this god."
- PBnBacon·
GiphyAssuming I'm Still Interested
"Assuming I’m still really interested in Earth, get us back to zero or a good starting point."
"Remove all trash and pollution everywhere. It just ceases to exist."
"Complete all municipal separated storm sewer projects instantly."
"Instantly create storm water gardens wherever necessary. Instantly eliminate lawn culture and convert to lawn alternatives to eliminate run off."
"Instantly convert all power generation to safe thorium nuclear and renewable. Instantly convert all sea shipping to clean nuclear."
"Instantly convert all cars to electric. Create charging stations at every residence."
"Instantly convert all heavy construction equipment to a safer fuel (I don’t know what yet). Instantly put solar panels on every structure/house. Instantly create bike lanes everywhere. Instantly create bike culture of the Netherlands everywhere."
"Upgrade everywhere to high speed rail systems similar to Japan. Switch all roads to permeable pavement."
"Instantly perform major upgrades on every structure, road and bridge everywhere. Have all work go to new construction and maintenance."
"Instantly install field drains and timer stadium lights in all playing fields."
"Instantly process all rape kits in all police stations."
"Instantly repair all playgrounds and park features everywhere."
"Automatically register everyone to vote. Create 10 new states out of Texas and California. Instantly pass political reform."
"Legalize all drugs. Instantly create more treatment centers."
"Instantly cure all ailments that are in recovery in hospital and would cure naturally. Instantly move those patients back home."
"Instantly kill all patients who would die naturally. Instantly inform all families."
"Instantly remove all graveyards and eliminate practice of saving dead. Create new ritual of donation to science or turn into tree."
"Instantly create depression cure. Instantly create obesity cure. Instantly create formula to grow/repair existing teeth."
"Instantly change taxation rate to post WW2 for businesses. Instantly change view of all workers to pro-union."
"Instantly identify and eliminate all political corruption. Have everyone just realize all this exists."
"Eliminate all religious belief everywhere. Instantly create belief in helping neighbors, being a good person, and creating a heaven on earth."
"Eliminate all mosquitoes. Bring back bees."
"Is time up? Was that an hour?"
- winnower8
GiphyOne Solution To The Fossil Fuel Issue
"Having given it some thought:"
"Easy parthenogenesis for all humans, regardless of their biological sex and mental identity."
"And the natural ability to self terminate pregnancies. And self. That would wipe out a whole bunch of angst and repression in the world."
"The ability to fly, as someone else suggested, at fairly rapid speeds. This would vastly change society, no more cars, planes, elevators, stairs, possibly no more country borders, it would be nearly impossible to enforce. The demand for oil would plummet and the environment would be healthier."
"Extra longevity, with senescence happening only a few years before death."
- CanadianJogger
GiphyGenderqueer Garlic Bread
"Make an easily accessed and super powerful source of electrical energy that's renewable and environmentally friendly, it's also easily accessed (this could just be 100% efficient solar gen, or a generator that somehow turns heat back into useable energy? I dunno I'll be god, I could figure it out)."
"Cure All Diseases"
"Humanity now has the ability to magically transform themselves freely to look however they choose, provided it's still anthropomorphic."
"I'm genderqueer; this would make it so all the non-cis people wouldn't need expensive drugs and surgery, or suffering, although I guess we'd be dealing with a few furries but y'know that's fine with me."
"Reverse earth's environmental damage back to pre-industrial while maintaining all the infrastructure changes."
"Finally, all major US and Canadian highways are underground and infinitely maintainable, AND there's also Bullet Trains that run underground with them along the WHOLE interstate/400 Series and Extension/Trans-Can that way I NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE AN HOUR TO WORK AGAIN."
"AND all Cities with populations over 10K have more-than-adequate 100% free public transit that's also so efficient the busses/trains/trolleys/whatever are never late."
"OH one more thing: Since everyone is gonna be sexy because of the Shapeshifting, everyone is either pansexual, or ace, and the people that are ace aren't seen as weird and are completely respected in their orientation. And we all have an innate sense both to locate each other and to locate garlic bread."
- someBrokeCanadian
GiphyThe Timer
"I would set a timer for 10 years and then everyone dies and the earth explodes. I would make everyone aware of the timer."
"I think that would eliminate a lot of bullshit around the world like war and hate, and would make for a really good last time alive until we all die together."
"Am I a weirdo?"
- DoobieMcBeast
GiphySky Farm
"Erase COVID"
"Curse everyone whose name was listed in the Pandora Papers to spontaneously explode somewhere in public and just let the media chips fall where they will."
"Create a sky-dwelling jellyfish that eats carbon fumes and whose tentacles contain a chemical that makes you feel total euphoria for 8 hours straight."
"See how long it takes humans to turn them into a carbon-sucking, drug-producing sky farm animal."
- NebulaPlural
"I am 100% on board for carbon-Hoover-jelly-sky-fish-farms."
"Magnificent."
- sinskins
Giphy"Because Who Wouldn't?"
"I'd get rid of all mental impairment diseases and conditions. Alzheimers, Dementia, the severe mental impairment that some kids are born with (Not sure what the various conditions are called)."
"I would make humans and other animals immune to cancer. I would extend healthy human lifespans by another 50 years, and dogs and cats can also live as long as humans."
"I would then give humans the ability to research and cure other diseases and ailment so that mankind could eventually have treatments for such things as they come along. I say this because I only get an hour and things will appear in the future that can't be predicted (even with God's power)."
"And lastly, I'd of course, give my self a bigger dick, because who wouldn't?"
- ClownfishSoup
GiphyOh you didn't honestly think we were going to get through an article about god-like powers and NOT have someone use it for penises... did you?
Come on now.
You're not THAT new on the internet.
You know how people are around here.
What would YOU use your god-like powers for now that you've read some of Reddits ideas? Let us know in the comments.
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