A good laugh is hard to find, especially these days. To make someone laugh is the best way to break the ice and make them trust us, like us, and maybe even love us if we're lucky. Yes, 'Dad' jokes make us groan and roll our eyes, but they can also challenge our brains with their wit, wordplay, and punny-ness. Let's be honest, NSFW jokes are good, but Dad jokes are G-rate!
Redditor u/glitterywings asks:
What G-rated joke always cracks you up?
I Can't See What You Did There.
Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage practice today."
Soldier: "Thank you Sarge."
I'm going to join the army and not show up to camouflage practice just to say this joke.
Road Trip!
This is one of my favorites, and is best told with lots if enthusiasm (as most jokes should be told).
There's a cop on the side of the road, checking for speeders. Car flies by, cop sees 12 penguins in the back of the car. Cop hits his sirens and pulls the guy over.
Runs up to the window. "What are you doing with 12 penguins in the back of your car!?!?!"
The guy says "...I dunno..."
Cop replies "Well I think you should bring those penguins to the zoo!!!" "OK" the guy replies.
Next day, cop on the side of the road again. Same car flies by, 12 PENGUINS in the back of the car!! Cop hits the sirens, pulls the guy over, runs up to his window.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BRING THOSE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!!!"
Guy replies "I ALREADY DID!!! AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"
This One Made Waves
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn
11 year old me laughed for a solid 5 minutes.
What did the dam say?
Dumb bass.
A Blind Spot
"Why'd the blind man fall into the well?"
"He couldn't see that well."
Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares their dogs.
'Sigh' Ann...
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
What's blue but not as heavy?
Light blue.
What did Ann's friend say after Ann tipped blue paint all over her?
*sigh* Ann...
Anything by Mitch Hedberg
Anything by Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman that would be very angry if she heard me say that."
"I know exactly how hard it is to quit smoking. It's exactly as hard as it is to start flossing."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'" - Mitch Hedberg
I love rice. It's great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
Symbol But Sweet
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
I live in Switzerland. I have heard this joke about a hundred times. And damnit, I laugh every. single. time.
A Slippery Slope
"About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly." British comedian Milton Jones.
Oh Lord...
Little Timmy is lazy in grade school and specifically is failing math, badly. His parents have had enough of this, so they pull him out and enroll him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he comes home without a word, and heads up into his room to do his math homework. He's up there for hours until it's all done. Same thing Tuesday and so on. On Friday, his parents come up to his room and ask. "Timmy, what brought this on? You're working your tail off!"
Timmy says "When I got to math class on Monday, and saw that guy above the blackboard nailed to a plus sign... I knew they weren't messing around."
Ewwwww!
"Come forth and you shall be rewarded with eternal life!" said God. But Dave came fifth, and won a toaster.
R rated version:
"Come forth and you shall be rewarded with eternal life", said God. But Dave came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.
Laughed Too Hard At These
Why can't tyrannosauruses clap?
Because they're extinct.
Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
Because she's dead.
A piece of string goes to a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve pieces of string!"
The piece of string leaves, but returns later. The same bartender is there and says "I told you earlier, we don't serve your kind, get out before I throw you out."
The piece of string leaves, unravels his ends, and loops around and through himself. He returns to the bar. The bartender angrily says "Aren't you the same piece of string I kicked out of here twice?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
This One's A Hit At Parties
I was standing in the park the other day wondering why a frisbee appears larger as it flies towards you. Then it hit me.
A Novel Joke or Two
I've written a book about poltergeists, I'm pleased to say it's flying off the shelves. (Jimmy Carr)
I was doing some DIY work and got stuck, so I went to my local library and asked "You got any books on shelves"? (Dave Spikey).
Sometimes I'm So Lazy I Can't Even Finish A
There are two types of people in the world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data,
...and those with a compulsive need to finish hanging sentences.
Paws A Moment
Q. What's the difference between a cat and a sentence?
A. The cat has claws at the end of its paws, whereas a sentence has a pause at the end of a clause.
I think I'd f*ck that up 10/10 times and ruin the joke.
A cat has claws at the end of it pause and a comma is a claws at the.. F*CK
"Reddit. What will you never order at a restaurant?"
Not What, But When...
"I'll never order 10 minutes before closing."- bearstrugglethunder
Speaking From Experience
"Ice in my drink."
"After decades in the industry, I've only ever seen one change the ice machine filters and clean the bin regularly."-Anna_Namoose
"I have almost twenty years of experience managing bars and restaurants."
"What do you think I won't get? "
"Stylish or not?"
"Ice."
"In everything."
"I can assure you that I have saw far more appalling ice machines in back of houses than immaculate ones."- Tricky_Routine138
ice waiting GIF by tarninabarnGiphyStay Consistent
"Anything outside of what their core business is."
"Not ordering fish at a steakhouse, a burger at a Mexican restaurant etc."- KinkyPTDoc
Why Pay For What You Can Make Yourself?
"Quesadilla."
"I'm not paying for tortillas and cheese."
"I always have that sh*t at home."- DGex
"Pasta."
"I can make it at home, I'm a decent cook and can make most pasta dishes at home."
'I eat out to have foods I can't make."
'I'm usually disappointed when I do order it."- bensmom2020
"Tuna fish sandwich."- Limp-Persimmon-5729
"A grilled cheese sandwich."
"There's just no way a restaurant can elevate it to make it worth the cost."- manderifffic
Hungry Grilled Cheese GIF by U by Kotex BrandGiphyCasear, Cobb, Waldorf...NOPE!
"Salad."
"It’s so cheap to buy the ingredients and most restaurant salad comes from a bag."
"It’s just dumb in 85% of the cases."- humancalculus
"$17+ salad."- Monowakari
Split It, Maybe?
"Oh, I've got a good one."
"Do not order the lasagna if you visit Brio Tucsan Grille."
"It's not awful, fantastic, or extraordinary; it's just normal."
"But why, you say, would you advise against eating a typical meal?"
"Considering that it contained 5200 calories. calories for two days."
"When I removed empty dishes from the table in front of guests, I would shudder."- KeyPersimmon445
If You Can't See The Sea, Maybe Avoid Seafood...
"In a location not known for its seafood, lobster."
"Where are they going to get lobster, anyway?"- WillingnessInner9666
"Rocky Mountain Oysters."- Rollin_Soul_O
Eight Is A Few Too Many Legs...
"Anything cephalopod."- FarewellMyQueen
Pbs Nature Sea GIF by Nature on PBSGiphyUnless They Pick The Leaves Themselves...
"Tea."
'Compared to how much it costs to make at home, it's stupidly overpriced at restaurants."- Pure_Block_5309
There's nothing wrong with being a picky eater.
That being said, it's always worth trying something new before deciding you don't like it.
Even if no one should blame you for refusing to order sushi at a pizza counter.
"People who slept with a coworker, what happened after?"
Well, That's A Success?
"We became friends and she donated a kidney to me lol."- Headbobby
As If Nothing Had Changed...
"Got married 2 years later."
"'Co-worker' can mean different things and different circumstances, for instance:"
"Our company had 130,000 employees world-wide."
"Our group was housed in a building with 1,000 employees."
"We were not in each other's chain of command."
"It could have been somewhat awkward if it did not work out, but not awful."
"It did work out."
"Later on, saved money by carpooling!"- SyntheticOne
The Office Laughing GIF by NBCGiphyJust Couldn't Fight The Chemistry
"We were both working as actors in a small film, cast as romantic leads."
"She noticed I got tense when we had to kiss... and suggested we go on a date to practice kissing."
"We played mini-golf and practiced kissing."
"Then we continued practicing in her car in the parking lot after the mini-golf place closed until a cop came to investigate."
"Then we got a hotel room and practiced other stuff."
'I guess I'm a slow learner because she's still giving me remedial lessons."- Jake_Science
Nothing Personal, One Hopes..
"She had to fire me."
"Poor performance."- bilvester
Consider Long Term Goals First
"Fun."
"Highly recommend if you have a job."
"Do not recommend if you have a career."- bluegiant85
Renee Zellweger Office GIF by Working TitleGiphyOn To Bigger And Better Things
"Dated discreetly and after four years we got engaged."
"We then both told our supervisors we were leaving in the summer."
"At our last meeting as they were doing their good bye lunch for both of us with about 30 coworkers, they had us say a few words."
"I went first and said I was moving to a new city."
"Then it was my fiancés turn and she said she was also moving to that city, with me, because we’re engaged."
"It was glorious."
"We are happily married for 13 years and have an awesome daughter."
"Life is goooood."- lmc227
Jealous Much?
"I had a supervisor that I really hit it off with and had great chemistry."
"As soon as they found out we were dating, she got fired and immediately found a better job."
"We've been married for almost 13 years now."
"I feel I should clarify a little bit while still keeping the details as vague as possible because quite a few people worked there."
"She was my boss in the sense that if she told me something needed taken care of, I was expected to take care of it."
"She didn't actually have the power to fire me if our relationship went south, but she probably could have gotten me fired if she had been that type of person."
"We worked there for two years before anything remotely physical happened."
"Our lunch breaks lined up."
"After a few conversations, we became friendly and started spending most of that hour shooting the sh*t with each other."
"I was crushing on her hard, but didn't think she'd be interested in dating one of the janitors, so I didn't say anything in an effort not to make things weird at work."
"One day I let it slip to one of the other janitors that I had a crush on her."
"He thought it would be hilarious to immediately go and tell her what I said."
"The next day, she asked me if I had really said that."
"I was really embarrassed but admitted that I had said it."
"She basically told me she was feeling the same way and gave me her number."
"11 months later, we were married."
"There were two guys in upper management that had asked her out and been rejected."
"Their egos obviously took a hit when they found out she chose me."
"She was fired after being blamed for someone else's mistake."
"Then they refused to show the proof that she was the one responsible."
"It was bullsh*t, but it only took her two weeks to find a job that paid a lot more."
"Once they did that to her, I immediately became a terrible employee and openly talked sh*t about everyone in management until they really had no choice but to fire me."- Imahorrible_person
Nothing Lost, Nothing Gained
"We did it a couple of times then both went on with our lives."
"It was just something we both wanted to do temporarily."
"Neither one of us wanted it to be serious or long-term, and so it wasn’t."- Listening_Heads
No Regrets Whatsoever
"We moved in together, got engaged, bought a house and had a baby."
"Don't let a job get in the way of your life."- AllSonicGames
Who'd Have Guessed...
"I slept with my boss back in 93."
"She instigated it."
"She’s sitting beside me."
"30 years later and two adult kids."
"Worked out!"
"I should add we did NOT care for each other at first. It was definitely not a case of 'will they, won’t they' but more of a 'will he quit or won’t he?'"
"Funny how life works."- Uncle_Bug_Music
Proceed With Caution
"Fun while it lasted, but very awkward after."- BrianH-84
Love cannot, and should not be denied, even if it is a coworker.
Anyone looking for a one and done, however, might want to look beyond the walls of your office.
Unless you like constantly being reminded of your past mistakes.
Redditor FregeanCoder wanted the heteronormative gents out there to share with us, so they asked:
"Straight men, how would you react if a man hit on you?"
I've flirted with many a straight guy, and 99% of the time, it's all gone over well even if they turned me down.
Be Polite
buster keaton GIFGiphy"I've told them thank you but not interested."
twinturboboosted
"Pretty much this for me as well, no need to get scared, but at the same time I did have one super creep, not a comfortable experience."
Empty_Jellyfish_1995
Happy Endings
"My response was, 'I’m flattered, but it’s not my thing.' Guy insisted on buying me that drink anyway as an apology. Thirty years later, we’re still friends. I was best man at his wedding, and now they’re both like brothers to me."
ElectricTurtlez
"Wow, an 'apology' - for flattering you!? Maybe he felt that he made you uncomfortable. Sounds like a generous and humble person."
BoringBob84
"I wish men could do that when women reject them. For some reason, if a woman rejects a straight man he thinks 'being friends' is like a punishment."
Joygernaut
Aww Shucks
"My wife and I were at a gay bar with some friends and one time while alone a young man offered to buy me a drink… it was the most flattering feeling, which I of course told him as I politely declined. He must have been having a rough patch since he was very attractive and had no business hitting on a guy like me. Or maybe it was late and he was drunk."
corona-lime-us
"You could have been his type. Never know."
twinturboboosted
"Haha. Perhaps. I’ll cling to the possibility. I’m just grateful my wife agreed to marry me before I discovered IPA’s and how to smoke meat!!!"
corona-lime-us
Keeping it
"I had a man I thought was hitting on my girlfriend and telling us both multiple times he was into threesomes tell me in a forceful way at the end of the night was gay. I said ah, that's cool man good for you! He walked away looking kind of sad and defeated. It wasn't until the next day that we realized he was hitting on me and we all had a chuckle at my obliviousness."
Gettinrekt1
No Harm
"Well normally at first I’m polite and say no thanks in some way or straight out. If it ends there it’s amusing no harm done. But just like with women if they are overly aggressive after then it’s a lot different. Ashamed of how common that type of stuff is. It has nothing to do with people's sex life. People are capable of all kinds of things. We know this but seem to act like it doesn’t happen."
_Dirty_Deedz_
OHHHHHH!!!!
Seth Meyers Pain GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy"Probably the same way as when a woman hits on me - be oblivious to it until weeks later when it suddenly dawns on me."
Eccentric_Fixation
I always hate that A-HA moment.
Like, where was my mind at in the moment.
SEE MEEE!!!
Jim Carrey Flirting GIFGiphy"I'm gay, my oldest friend is straight. Took him to a gay bar once. He got very offended that no one tried to hit on him."
J8766557
Why not?
"I'm a straight, bearded, short but pretty muscular guy living in (very liberal) Berlin. Apparently, that's attractive for a lot of gay men so I'm getting hit on by men pretty regularly, a lot more than by women. I usually just tell them I'm not gay and then it depends on their reaction."
"Keep talking, do more drinking, keep dancing... Why not? I've been on the opposite side after a rejection by a woman and it's nice to just keep having a good time instead of an awkward exit that you'll cringe about 10 years later randomly."
Magnetobama
Back when we danced
"Not sure how it works nowadays with apps like Grindr but in the late 90s/2000s, we had a gay club in our city (no longer exists and there’s not another one unless you drive 30 min to a town over). Anyway, I was the straight friend in a group of gay guys because I loved EDM and I think by association, other gay men thought I was gay."
Always flattered, politely said no and they would turn to the next guy waiting in line for a drink and hit on them. Rinse and repeat. I think what I learned is that men regardless of sexual preference are all horny and will try again and again until they find someone down to clown."
irn
Thanks, Corey
"I was at a house party and he started hitting on me. I kind of panicked and said I was dating one of the girls at the party. Went over to her after and asked her to play along because he was hitting on me and I didn’t want to start a fuss. Ended up hooking up with her later that night and 16 years later were married with 2 kids. At our wedding speech, I thanked him even though he wasn’t there. Corey wherever you are, thanks bud."
reload88
Beautiful Hair
"Happened to me by a coworker. I very politely explained I wasn’t gay but it never changed my opinion of him. He eventually thanked me for dealing with it the way I did and I explained it wasn’t necessary to say thanks. I asked him why me though. He replied, 'You’ve got one hell of a head of beautiful hair!' And he was right."
Particular-Paper-558
Be Fair
Criminal Minds Fist Bump GIF by IONGiphy"I flirt a little but make sure he knows I'm straight and there is no opportunity for us to be anything but friends. Gay dudes are some of the best friends a straight guy can have and I don't give a f**k what anyone thinks about that. Just don't lead them on, it's not fair to them."
somedoofyouwontlike
Well it does sound like we've come a long way.
It's nice to know.
Let's flirt.
