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People Share The Smartest Jokes They've Ever Heard

People Share The Smartest Jokes They've Ever Heard
Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

We all need a good laugh.

They are sorely missing these days.

Especially smart jokes.

So everytime I hear a good joke I try to write it down.

You know, so I can tell it at parties and pretend it's mine.

RedditorReallySillyLily36wanted to hear something to tickle the funny bone. So they asked:

"What is the smartest joke you've ever heard?"

I don't have anything off the top of my head. Help!

The waiter replies...

Big Brother Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy

"Jean-Paul Sartre sits down in a cafe. The waiter comes over and Sartre says 'I'd like a cup of coffee with no cream, please.' The waiter replies, 'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?'"

DiogenesCantPlay

Oh the Farmer...

"A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence. The engineer makes his fence in a circle and said it is the most efficient. The physicist makes a long line and says that the length is infinite, and that fencing half of the Earth is the best."

"The mathematician thinks for a minute, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and says 'I declare myself to be outside of the fence.'"

binglebongled

Infinite

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. Before the next one can open his mouth, the bartender pours two beers and walks away."

diamond

Fire Breaks Out

"A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician or going on a trip. They go to a hotel and each get separate rooms. The mathematician can’t sleep and is looking out his window at the other two rooms. Suddenly a fire breaks out in the chemists room!"

"The smoke alarm wakes him, he sees the fire and he thinks about the chemical reactions at play. Knowing the reaction needs air he throws a blanket over the fire and puts it out. The mathematician is relieved. Suddenly, another fire breaks out but in the engineer’s room! The engineer is awoken and thinks about the proper way to handle it."

"He finds the correct fire extinguisher and correctly uses it to put out the fire. Again, the mathematician is relieved. The mathematician is tired and about to go to bed when all of a sudden a fire breaks out in his own room! Knowing that there are multiple solutions to the problem, the mathematician feels at ease and goes to bed."

latinomartino

Old Pavie...

Well Done Applause GIF by MOODMANGiphy

"Here's an old one..."

"Pavlov was at the pub having a drink. A bell rang. Wide-eyed and alarmed, Pavlov stood up and exclaimed, 'Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs!'"

impolite_zebra

Pavlov never gets old. And dogs are always funny.

Eww...

Disgusted Steve Carell GIFGiphy

"Some Germans are out drinking one night. As they’re walking home, one can’t hold it anymore and starts peeing on a tree."

"A woman walks by and says, 'gross!'"

"The guy says thank you."

K8isEnough

Werner

"While out driving, Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over?'"

"Werner replies 'No, but I know exactly where I was.'"

"The cop says 'You were driving 90 miles an hour.'"

"Werner replies 'Oh great! now we're lost!'"

proximalfunk

Time passes...

"A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, 'The measurement wasn't accurate.' The biologist says, 'They must have reproduced.' The mathematician says, 'If one more person enters the house then it will be empty.'"

damargemirad

Peanuts

"I got so drunk in the bar last night things started talking to me. The peanuts said I was lovely and then the cigarette machine called me a prick. I asked the barman what's going on? He said the peanuts were complimentary and the cigarette machine was out of order."

chillywilly00

Words

Golden Girls Lol GIF by HULUGiphy

"I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."

demanbmore

much less seven...

"An engineer and a mathematician attend a lecture on advanced physics. As the lecture goes on, the mathematician smiles and nods and the engineer becomes more and more agitated. The mathematician notices the engineer’s consternation and asks what’s wrong."

“'I just don’t understand how you can follow along while the lecturer blathers on about seven dimensional space. I have trouble imagining more than three, much less seven.'” The mathematician replies, “'Well it’s really easy. Just imagine an n-dimensional space and let n equal 7.'”

Spacewolf1

We got it!

"A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting and as they are hiding in the bushes they see a deer 70 feet ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up five feet to the left of his target. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up five feet to the right of the deer. The statistician shouts, 'We got it!'"

themattboard

Yell Back

"Guy yells to a stranger across the river, 'I need to get to the other side.' Stranger yells back... 'You are on the other side.'"

thestonez

"Similarly, if a stranger mistakes you for someone they know and say 'Oh, I thought you were someone else' the best reply is 'I am.'"

LazyDynamite

"My name's River and boy do I wish people would stop yelling at me!"

ReviLogic

Type of?

rabbit playing GIFGiphy

"A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The attendant asks if they know their blood type. The rabbit looks at the other two and answers first, 'I’m probably a type-o.'"

eadgster

Newton

"Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square."

"When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, 'Ha, I've found you, Newton!' Newton however replies, 'No you haven't! You've found Pascal!' And where's Heisenberg? We don't know."

iamtheoneorgasmatron

Infinite

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders one fourth of a beer. The fourth one orders one eight of a beer. Then the barman snaps and says 'okay, I see how it is! Here's two beers; you split them and leave me out of this!'"

MegawackyMax

Lessons in School

"When I was at school we were given lessons on how not to be racist, the teacher stood me up and said 'now, I want you to use the words 'Foreigner' and 'contagious' in the same sentence without being racist.' For a moment I pondered and replied 'My neighbor's a foreigner, he's trying to paint his house but he's only got a 2-inch brush, it's going to take the contagious.'"

Fuzzwuzzle2

He orders one beer...

"A beta tester walks into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Runs into a bar. Flies into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Rolls into a bar. Teleports into a bar. He orders one beer. Two beers. Three beers. Zero beers. Minus one beers. One million beers. He leaves the bar through the door. Through the window. Through the wall. Through the ceiling. Through the floor. Another man walks into the bar and it breaks."

Macaroni-N-Beans

Perfect Landing

Channel 9 Reaction GIF by Married At First SightGiphy

"Ok, so a physicist, an engineer, and a statistician are out golfing. The physicist does some calculations, hits the ball, and lands three feet short of the hole. The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, adds a fudge factor for drag, hits the ball, and lands three feet long off the hole. The statistician yells 'HOLE IN ONE!'"

Robbylution

A good working with words is always a smart choice.

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People Break Down What's More Emotionally Painful Than Being Cheated On

Reddit user Darkterrariafort asked: 'What is something more emotionally painful than getting cheated on?'

Content warning: abuse and suicide.

There is a level of devastation caused by being cheated on by a partner, especially if it's someone you trusted and have been with for a long time that people who haven't experienced it can't understand.

I've been lucky in that I've never been cheated on myself, but I've had friends who have gone through it. My college roommate told me it was the worst pain she's ever been in when she found out her boyfriend cheated on her, and she couldn't imagine anything worse.

It was indeed horrible. My confident, strong roommate was crying all the time and wondering why she wasn't good enough to keep her boyfriend's interest, even though that had nothing to with it.

Redditors agree that being cheated on is painful, but also are prepared to share things they think are emotionally more painful.

It all started when Redditor Darkterrariafort asked:

"What is something more emotionally painful than getting cheated on?"

Medical Helplessness

"Watching your most precious person die a painful and scary death and knowing there’s nothing you can do about it. F**k cancer."

– coastalliving40

"This. I watched my husband starve to death from gastroesophageal cancer."

"It was like watching a nightmare repeat of my dad all over again. 😞"

– NedsAtomicDB

Mama Who Bore Me

"Death of your child."

– NBA_Fan_76

"I truly cannot imagine a deeper pain."

– theawkwardmermaid

"Your child being serious injured by your ex, and custody court keeps forcing the kid into contact with their abuser."

"You spend years of your life dealing with court homework where you recount every excruciating detail of your own abuse at the hands of this person, in addition to the crimes against your child."

"It costs you about $100,000 in legal fees, and you still aren't able to protect your child. It keeps going on indefinitely, and perversely, your ex tries to send you to jail because the child runs away from them."

– JadeGrapes

"Being responsible for your childs death directly."

– Kanulie

"My father passed very suddenly and unexpectedly two summers ago. It was the deepest, unimaginable despair that it was almost like a dream. Being walked to the little room at the hospital where they let you know he didn’t make it on the ambulance ride was surreal and up to that point the worst moment in my life."

"One month after he passed, I was in a four wheeler accident with my then three year old. And we were alone as my husband was out of town. I wasn’t being negligent- it was just a terrible, terrible accident. But, in the chaos of being thrown off and being in complete shock, I thought the four wheeler was pinning her down. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and crying and trying everything I could to lift it up. Remaining calm simply wasn’t a possibility when you think you’re killing your own child."

"She wasn’t pinned-and actually didn’t have a scratch on her. EMT checked her out and I went to the hospital because I had ripped the top part of my thigh off trying to lift the ATV."

"The whole thing was eye-opening in the worst way possible. Because, I could never, ever, ever, ever imagine losing my daughter- especially to my own fault. What if she had been hurt or died that day? I would be living in my own constant hell. I didn’t think there could be worst pain that when I lost my dad, but now I know there is. Just the thought alone of losing my daughter brings tears to my eyes."

"Life is really rough sometimes. But it gets better."

– BoredMillennialMommy

Going Down

"Seeing a loved one go on a downward spiral and you can do nothing to stop it."

– New_me_old_self

"Extension of your comment: Seeing a close one(wronged by their protectors) going down the spiral."

"You tried to help them a lot but they dragged you down with them and left you not just empty but drained."

– Sullen_Wretch

So Hard

"Suicide bereavement."

"I lost my best friend in 2022. Found him. Everyday is a struggle to not be in my grief."

"I’d take 100 heartbreaks, 100 nights of going to bed hungry, and 100 punches right to the face just to have him back."

– KatastropheKraut

"It does. I got wasted and said far too much about myself once. One of my friends verbally smacked the f**k out of me, got me to see that people do care about me and that my relationships aren't all just superficial, really just hit my sorry a** over and over again with the idea that I'm deserving of love not because other people get something out of being with me but because I am a human being, and it slowly does get better."

"It stopped me, I was going to kill myself in two months on new year's."

"When I can't live for myself, I live for other people, even when I start doubting other people actually like me, I still don't do it or hurt myself at all, because there's always, no matter what I feel in the moment, a chance that they do truly just care about me."

"If I end myself now then I give so many other people survivor's guilt, I leave all the people I care about wondering for the rest of their lives how it all could've been different if they had just tried a little bit harder to help me. I won't elaborate now but I feel a similar sort of regret when it comes to a number of aspects of my own life. I could never leave someone with something so unfathomably more painful than that."

– pissandsh*tlord

Sounds Awful

"Mental instability. It's cruel because it's your own mind killing you, you can't run or hide and it's long-winded. I couldn't say a single event has been more emotionally stressful than what's happening."

– Country-Road--

"It’s like you’re dead in your twenties but haven’t been buried til you’re 65."

– Gmr33

Tragedy You Never Get Over

"Having your mother pass away in your arms."

– Repulsive_Cricket923

"Something similar happened to me when i was 4. My parents sent me over to get babysat by my grandmother and she sat on a chair and passed as i was sitting on the floor playing with my toys. I only thought she was sleeping at the time, but later learned the truth as i never saw her again."

– Lucidnuts

Just Done

"As far as relationships go, being abandoned by your former partner is pretty damn painful."

– heyitsvonage

"Mine did this to me after 2.5 years and it was f**king devastating, it took years to get over. He acted as though everything was fine, I was his everything, we were actively planning how we would elope after I finished my degree that term, and BOOM NO DO-OVERS YA DONE."

"It was immediately what came to my mind when I saw this post."

– paprikashi

My Work

"When someone steals your research, hands it in first, gets the high distinction, then everything you submit is plagiarizing that a**hat."

– StaunchMeerkat

"This is two steps worse than, "hey can you put my name on your paper too.""

– karmagod13000

Rather Be Cheated On

"When the person stays with you but they secretly still yearn for that other person (even if no cheating occurs)."

– Deleted User

I actually didn't think there was anything worse than being cheated on after watching my friends go through it.

I stand corrected.

Do you have any stories to share? Let us know in the comments below.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

ancient ruins
Andreas Brunn on Unsplash

Mistakes happen, but when the world is watching, those mistakes are magnified.

When those mistakes have a major impact, those minor mistakes become major.

Keep reading...Show less
Person brushing with charcoal toothpaste
Photo by Chris Slupski on Unsplash

When it comes to love, we've all overlooked something in a partner that we normally would not excuse, because that person meant so much to us.

But when the love wanes and the relationship ends, we realize looking back just how bad some of the things we overlooked actually were.

Already cringing, Redditor MustangSallie asked:

"What is the grossest hygiene issue you overlooked in an ex?"

Poor Dental Hygiene

"They said, 'My tooth keeps chipping and growing back.'"

"Dawg, that’s tartar."

- Alternative_Chip_280

What Teeth-Brushing Habit?

"He said, 'I don't like to brush my teeth because it makes my gums bleed,' as in therefore it's not good for him."

- feyceless

"I dated someone who never brushed his teeth because he didn't like the tastes of minty toothpaste, as if other flavors didn't exist."

- Princess_Jade1974

Used Tampons

"How’s this, happened with my high school girlfriend, at 17."

"The bottom drawer of the bathroom was filled to the brim with used tampons, and when I discovered this and asked why the bin or even just a sealable bag wasn’t an appropriate option, she sheepishly said she liked the smell of them."

"I tapped out."

- Metaphysical-Alchemy

Sniffly Nose

"I would frequently hear my ex blowing his nose at night in bed. He always said it was into a t-shirt. I thought that was gross but whatever."

"Then when I moved out, I discovered he was actually blowing it into his hands and wiping it onto the back of the fabric headboard of my bed! His side was covered in so much disgusting crusty snot."

"I left it there. F**k trying to clean that!"

- bilby_mum

Simply... Unclean

"I could smell my ex's a**. I had to bring it up more than once. That was one of many things. I don't know why I put up with that s??t. All I can think of is that I had low self-worth."

- rubberloves

"Oh God, same. My first proper boyfriend had a constant stink of s**t. I thought I was going crazy because how could someone who just showered smell like poo?"

"Anyway, when we broke up, the first thing my sister said was that she was so glad I was no longer dating S**t Man. Cannot believe I dated that."

- rabbitluckj

Nowhere in the Wedding Vows

"Oh hi. This is going to be cathartic."

"My ex had a toenail fungus so bad that his super long and disgusting crust-mobile toe literally cut holes in multiple fitted sheets."

"Our toilet paper rolls would get poop on them. Because ye olde ex somehow got a poopy hand EVERY SINGLE TIME and then transferred a little bit of it to the roll. Was he doing the first pass with a bare hand? I have no idea."

"Once he didn’t change his clothes for a week, then he took a shower AND ALMOST PUT THE SAME UNDERWEAR BACK ON. I had to convince him to put on clean undies."

"Sat on the bed right after a shower, naked. Stood up, and a tire track was on the bed. HE HAD JUST SHOWERED. THIS HAPPENED MULTIPLE TIMES."

"Fuzzy teeth."

"Anyway, we’re divorcing now."

"All of this started after we got married, and then the pandemic basically turned him into a feral animal. I did not consent to marriage with this level of hygiene."

- psnugbottybug

Disgusting to the Family

"Well, not on purpose, but when we broke up, my family told me he smelled horrible. (I have zero sense of smell, so I had no clue)."

- AtomicDreamWeaver

A Reality Check

"I was seeing a guy but he would never invite me over to his bedroom, and one night his friend dragged me to the room and was like, 'LOOK, at THIS. You want THIS? This is nice?! It’s disgusting! He’s hiding THIS! I’m trying to help you!'"

"He was flipping through trash to show me how bad it was. Food containers everywhere, trash all over the floor and I’m pretty sure suspect-looking piss bottles?"

"I ended up dating him for a year, and cleaned/gutted his room several times, but it was just too much."

- Zoinks3324

"I can just imagine how hard it was for that friend to be like, 'I love my buddy, but please do not date him.'"

- Camimo626

Absolutely Unlivable

"They peed the bed. Every night. I would sleep so close to the edge of the bed to avoid it, and my ex always reeked of piss, even after washing the blankets."

- glusmoker69

Poor Cleaning Habits

"He showered maybe twice a week and changed his underpants even less often. In the summer, I could smell his a** crack."

"His job was dishes and he'd leave them for weeks if I didn't end up doing them for him."

"The only thing I really wouldn't do was laundry because we had a creeper downstairs I wasn't comfortable around. So sometimes even I ran out of underwear."

"I left him almost two years ago and he went back to living in squalor. His place is all carpet and he told me recently he vacuumed it once since I left and that was just because the unit was being inspected."

- Pour_Me_Another_

What Shower Habit?

"She showered once a week, sometimes longer, and was very usual for her to go days on end without showering, didn’t change her panties or bras for weeks, either."

- DUKEPLANTER

Worrying For Them

"Refused to floss. She claimed the space between her teeth was too tight, so I introduced her to the Glide series from Oral B; but she still refused. I suggested a water pik since there was no actual flossing involved, and she refused again."

"Some nights her breath was really really bad, to the point where I let her know because I was worried for her health. She took it as an insult and tried to say I was just being a d**k."

"I loved the relationship, but we eventually broke up. The flossing wasn't a factor in this, but it's certainly something that I eventually overlooked."

- bassman2112

Taking Care of Them

"His toothbrush was moldy. I don’t think he ever thoroughly rinsed it off after brushing He still used it, and called me a nag for mentioning it was probably unsanitary."

"So I got him an expensive electric one. It got moldy. So I took on replacing the brush heads for him myself every couple of weeks."

"He wondered why I barely wanted to have sex. Who wants to f**k someone they’re raising?"

- powands

An Unwelcoming Home

"He did not clean his house at all. I mean there was trash everywhere, no clean dishes, no spot was clear on countertops, and his bedroom was so cluttered, there was only a trail clear to the bed."

- wetpeachyangel

So Necessary

"He refused to wear deodorant because it was 'feminine' and 'feels weird.'"

"Mofo, you stink. Wear it."

- GodHatesUsAll

This conversation gave us the creepy crawlies and left us in need of a nice spa treatment.

Everyone could use a healthier dose of self-worth and self-respect, but that seems especially true for these Redditors who actually thought they had to put up with this.

Woman with face to palm
Jussara Paulo/Unsplash

Kids say the cutest things, don't they?

Their unfiltered observations about life's many mysteries can be downright hilarious and serve as reminders of their pure innocence.

But it's less forgivable when adults make naive comments because, well, shouldn't they know better?

That's not always the case, however.

Curious to hear ridiculous examples of the things grown people say, Redditor Automatic_Hedgehog71 asked:

"What is the silliest statement you have ever heard someone make?"

Some people should really think twice before opening their mouth.

Work Of Art

"'How did they get the paint all the way up the sides?' -Middle-aged woman touring the Meteor Crater in AZ."

“'That’s not paint, those are the actual colors of the rock' -Her husband, giving her a long stare and walking away."

– ghostbungalow

For Trial And Error

"I had a boss say 'oh you don’t want kids, you should just have one to try it out.'"

"Really, and what happens if I find out that I truly don’t want kids? Can we just put it back where it came from?"

– tyintegra

Confused Soldier

"I worked at a place that gave a military discount."

"Family (mom, dad, adult son, adult daughter) walked in. Dad was reading the prices and pointed out to the son that he could get a discount!"

"This kid takes the sign, reads it, and says, as God is my witness:"

"I'm not in the military. I'm in the Army."

– JustMeerkats

To Live Or Let Die

"Someone once told me that paramedics/nurses/doctors are not allowed to do CPR on someone they know because it’s 'a conflict of interest.'”

– corviknight2259

It's a wonder how some people manage to live in the real world.

Know Your Audience When Using Big Words

"Sat down to eat with a friend. I said 'I'm famished' she looked at me, laughed and LOUDLY she said to me 'I swear you make up words sometimes.'"

– NotBadSinger514

"Oh man people say this to me all the time! Why did I read books and learn so many words, when no one understands them, and I really didn't think they were so pretentious, words like Famished."

– Person_Letter_629

Not Icarus

"A friend of mine said she got more tanned when riding her bike than she did when walking because on her bike, she was 'closer to the sun.'"

– Five_Star_Amenities

"This just reminded me of a time I was out on a boat with a big group of people and one of them said 'I’m so glad it’s windy, I won’t get sunburned' they thought the wind would push the light away from their skin. I was the only one to say it definitely doesn’t work like that and I could tell they thought I was wrong."

– Thbbbt_Thbbbt

The Symptoms Indicate Otherwise

"Earlier today I offered a cough drop upon my flight’s landing to the lady wet coughing right behind me the whole flight."

'Oh, no thanks, I’m not sick. I just went to Oregon and have felt awful the whole time since.'

"Okay…so…sick"

– ACaparzo

Completely Lost

"A friend once said she couldn't take Southwest Airlines because she was flying east to Florida."

– ProudCatLadyxo

"How do they get the planes back? Do they repaint them as Northeast? Or do they just push them?"

– ch4m3le0n

"They just keep flying south until they come back around."

– frymeyourpoop

A Silly Sports Spectator Said

"I was at a baseball game in Cincinnati and the teenage girl behind turned to her friend and said 'this is so cool, it's almost like we're watching it live.' I think about that a lot."

"EDIT: based on the look of the girls and their other conversations this was no joke, there was no laughing either. Don't remember the exact year but flip phones were the most common cell phone and we had seats in the outfield so she didn't appear to be watching the game thru her phone. This also wasn't the first time that day where I heard them say something and I stopped what I was doing and stared straight into space, just the most memorable. They seemed like nice enough girls, no malicious or rude conversations, it just appeared like they lacked some basic intelligence for some relatively simple concepts."

– Michael_With_An_M

You can't be difficult and clueless at the same time, can you?

Observe exhibits A, B, & C.

Unpalatable Texture

"A woman tried to send back a dish. She didn’t understand the components of it and tried to tell me that she couldn’t eat it because she was allergic to crunchy. Like yeah the texture. Not the ingredient that we had made crunchy."

– BuckleupBirds

"LMAO. Makes me feel better about the guy who asked a friend (server) for ‘Mushroom risotto, but without the rice’."

– Mavises

I'll Have The Pie And Ice Cream With A Side Of Ice Cream

"Had an older family member that back in the day went to a diner and ordered the 'pie a la mode' from the menu. He then proceeded to ask the waitress if they could put a little ice cream on top of that. : )"

– Fluffing_Satan

My husband and I were walking around a gift shop in Solvang, CA, and marveling at some of the various tchotchkes.

One of them was a MOVA globe.

MOVA globes are usually about the size of a softball held up by three small supports, and they rotate without the use of electrical wires or batteries.

Instead, they're powered by the combination of solar cells and torque from the earth's magnetic field. We didn't know this at the time, however.

When a worker nearby saw us being mesmerized by the shelf of spinning globes, he commented, "Cool, right?"

And I replied, "Yeah, how does it work?"

The dude gave a sly smile and said:

"It's an optical delusion."

Or illusion...