I have never been a fan of haunted houses. I even skip the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World. I think it's because there was a "haunted" townhouse that was on the block I lived on in childhood.
It languished there for years.
Sometimes local crazies and addicts would break in and set up shop. And then there would be an onslaught of insanity.
Of course during summer nights playing we kids would always dare one another to go in. I never could.
So I got labeled a coward. But hey, better a coward than a corpse.
Redditor whales-are-cute wanted to gather up tales about the times some houses got us spooked by asking:
"Redditors who lived in old/haunted houses, what's your mysterious story?"
I do believe spirits roam the halls of buildings. And that is just freaky.
That's why I like to research places before I move in. There is this fabulous luxury building on the Upper West side of Manhattan. People would kill to live there.
But that's because they don't know people were killed trying to leave there. It was an insane asylum shutdown by the city.
So I'll skip it thanks.
"I need sleep"
I was staying in an apt over an old theatre in a mining town. Apt was easily 60' above the street.
Halloween Lights GIFGiphyWoman, blue hued, in long dress... just appears in my peripheral vision. I turn to look... And she does the same. We meet eyes while she pauses there watching me. She then walks across the room and out the front wall of the apt over the street. I look out the window and nothing.
I'm like "I need sleep."
I mention this to owner and he explains there was a balcony there but it was lost in a fire decades ago where a woman died trying to escape said fire. Now it's a solid wall where a doorway was. He just added "long blue dress?"
Like bro... things you could have mentioned in the housing ad!
"You are in my realm"
We live in a 150 year old farmhouse. The first week we lived here, my iPhone was sitting 5 or 6 feet away from me, hadn't been touched in a while (like 20 minutes or more) and Siri just said "You are in my realm." There was no history of the phone saying this, or of any activity.
A few months later, my cat woke my up, waited at the foot of my bed and kept meowing until I got out of the bed.
She went to the top of the stairs, and waited until I followed. Followed her downstairs and she just sat in the middle of the room. I checked a few things to make sure something hadn't caught fire or whatever, while she just sat in the middle of the room looking up the staircase.
The house was SO quiet it was eerie and disturbing, usually something makes a noise in this place. I turned around to go upstairs, and thought I stood in something wet and bent over to check, but it was just a weird spot that was so cold, I thought my socks were wet. When I stood up, I felt a hand on my right shoulder. Nobody was there.
Doors occasionally open, and TV remotes constantly go missing. We've lost I think 5 now, and have never found one. Every single piece of furniture has been removed from the TV room during renovations, so it's not like something ended up in a void under the couch.
Two years ago, I was at a flea market and bumped into a former co-worker I hadn't seen in quite a while (who ended up living just around the corner). She pointed at a couple and said to go introduce myself, as they lived in our house in the 80s. I introduced myself, said I live in their old house and they immediately asked how the ghost was doing! Apparently it had a thing for TV remotes back then as well.
Former Flat Earthers Explain What Finally Made Them Come Around | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Science is science. Fact is fact. Truth is truth and simple is simple. These are things we must now attest to in 2021. Can we please all get onboard with wha...Be Not Afraid
My Dad was killed before I was born. When I was still in elementary school, I would feel someone tightening the cover on my bed at night. I would look around the room and didn't see anyone. When I told my Mom, she told me it was my Dad tucking me in. She said that he wanted me to be a girl.
Also sometimes I would be out flying in the sky like the birds on his back. He would bring me back home when it would get dark. Then I would wake up and look around the room, and go back to sleep. It didn't scare me.
Just Run!
I moved into a house built in the 1890s several years ago. A few weeks after moving in, before meeting any neighbors, I heard heavy footsteps coming down the attic steps outside my bedroom. I then heard footsteps on the staircase for the first/second floor, and someone say my name.
My husband was 30 miles away, nobody in town knew me or had access to my house, and there was nobody outside at the time. I grabbed my baby, phone and keys, and ran outside to wait. We searched the house top to bottom and never found anything, but I've heard the footsteps multiple times. We have no upstairs plumbing or hvac, so it remains unsolved.
I've also heard music playing downstairs, talking to previous owners this was common. It's just commonplace now, and we don't always have stuff going on. A lot of major remodeling has been done, so I guess maybe that's why it's happening. Honestly the repairs are scarier than anything else.
Rocking GIFHe left a bunch of furniture including a rocking chair with a matching rocking leg rest.
So one night I came downstairs for a late-night snack had to been after midnight and I was the only one down there, and there is this rocking chair and leg rest just rocking away all by themselves in sync.
See now I think some of y'all need some good sage. Or some nice mantras and perhaps an exorcist. Or a shaman. Try a few different things. See what works. Because that is all a lot of nonsense right there.
He's Here
We would hear foot steps downstairs or upstairs when no one was there.
Some guy died in the house.
Nothing else weird though.
ghost hunters gh GIF by SYFYGiphyI Hear Her
I lived in an old house with my dad after he was divorced. Money was tight, and he lectured me many times to not leave any electronics on so the electric bill wouldn't be outrageous.
In the mornings, I would stand in the living room looking out the window, waiting for my ride for school to drive by.
Only one home, house totally silent. Suddenly start hearing a woman talking, but very muffled. I would compare it to the sound of someone talking on a phone way on the other side of the house.
I thought the TV was on. Bent down and hit the power button only for the TV to turn on. Wtf? I look at the phone, thinking maybe it was on. Nope. Checked radios, etc. Nothing is on.
Walk back into the living room and listen closely. Sounds like a woman having a conversation with someone.
They're talking about sewing needles and materials. Sounds like it's coming from the other side of the room, so I walk closer to hear better. The voices now sound like they're on the other side of the room I just came from.
That was when my hair stood on end. That moment you realize something isn't normal. Quickly ran outside and waited for my school ride lol.
Got home and told my dad about it. He told me he also heard a woman's voice one morning while working out, but it sounded distant and conversational. He didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to be scared by myself in the house.
I still think about it today and it was a very baffling experience.
Back in the Day
My sister and I were just reminiscing the other day about this house we grew up in. We lived in a townhouse in a complex of low income rental homes for most of our childhoods. Very bad vibes in general, none of the three of us kids were ever alone in any part of the house at any time because we were dead terrified to be.
I peed the couch once because my mother refused to accompany me upstairs to the washroom, and I was too scared to go alone. The house was built more upwards that outwards so it was a long tall steep staircase and long hallways. The bathroom was at the end of the hallway, and you had to cross the hall at the top of the stairs to turn on the hall light.
We've collectively experienced a few events ranging from bad feelings, recurring nightmares, strange occurrences, to apparitions. Strange events include my sister sleepwalking to the top of the stairs and screaming at the top of her lungs that I was going to die. She never did sleepwalk again and to her chagrin, I am alive and well.
Apparitions include the man sitting at the dining room table the morning of my birthday, and the child in the stairwell window that had no landing to stand on beneath it.
That was the only time we saw our parents acknowledge we had a problem, because we were looking at it from outside the house. We were the driveway, all 5 of us and our dog in the car after a camping trip. We stayed with family friends that night.
The Black Mass
There were poltergeists in the apartment where I was living. We were three flatmates, one guy that did not believe in anything paranormal, and me and my best friend. I started hearing noises at night, our two bedrooms were side by side and there was something knocking from her side, like something made of glass. We investigated, turned out it was the bottles she kept in her room shaking by themselves at night.
Got worse later. Some of her clothes were teleporting to my room when we were outside together. One day I was spending a week alone there, I heard my keys shaking on the door when I was trying to sleep. The morning after, I found the strap (5 centimeters long?) of my keys completely and tightly wrapped around the ring that was holding my keys together.
Same day, there was a black mass in the corridor and the curtain of the bathtub was moving by itself, I still remember the sound it was making on the metal pipe. Nearly got an anxiety attack, I called my best friend and she came back early from her holidays to stay with me. My dad called a medium and a lady to make a spiritual cleanse.
Not the Basement
I actually lived in a house that was haunted, but I don't know if it was a "bad" haunted.
Tobe Hooper Poltergeist GIFGiphyMy mother told me when I was kid, she was getting me ready to go out and I was looking at something and talking. I said it was my great mother, mentioning her name. She was deceased before I was born so I never met her or knew she existed at that point in my life... (it was her old house).
Light bulbs used to pop and shatter every once in a while. The sinks and bath tubs would start running (with the knobs turned) every once in a while. The house is still in my family but nothing weird has happened in years.
I frequently have dreams about that house though, and it's always me being scared of the basement!
Moooo!!!
100 year old farmhouse.
I used to hear an odd bell like noise once in a while.
We lived in an old house around that age about 16 years ago. Lots of weird stuff happened in that house. Your comment reminded me about our really old mechanical doorbell that would randomly ring without anyone around it.
MJ?
Martha Jane (the woman who built the house in the 1800s) would creep up the steps every night to check on her 6 kids. I would yell at my mom and she would say... "Its just the ghost..." like this was completely normal.
ghost library GIFGiphyLight a Candle
An apartment I lived in years ago, was the scene of a triple homicide (drug thing). It had been about a year from the time of the murders and when I moved in. The place was professionally cleaned and building owner gave me a great deal due to what had happened. GF at the time, who I never mentioned the circumstances to me getting a great place always said she was cold, especially at night.
It could be dead of summer and if she slept over, she would be under a blanket while I was on top of the covers sweating like a dog. She bought a candle from a Botanica and lit it because she said something bad must have happened there. I never told her about the killing.
Those Screams!
When I was about 4 yrs/old? My parents lived in an farm house. My two older brothers shared a bedroom upstairs. I slept in my parents room (I believe) which was downstairs. Both of my parents, and both of my brothers, claim that the story is true.
On various nights, in the dead of night, the window in my brother's room would suddenly fly open. The room to their door would open and shut. Then there would be footfalls on the landing (think open walkway that looks down onto the living area) towards the stairs. The footfalls would then go down the stairs.
When my parents heard my brothers scream, then the footfalls on the landing, they would rush towards the stairs just to see... nothing. The footfalls always ended at the bottom of the stairs.
We didn't live there long and finally moved into another house.
Woof!
I don't live in an old house, I live in an apartment building that is 11 years old. There's a ghost in my apartment.
White Dog GIFGiphyDon't experience it very often but on occasion it will turn on my iPod. Occasionally there will be scratching coming from the craft room door. And every now and then you will hear a growl. Once saw what seemed to be a small white dog dash behind my sofa; I checked and both of my doggos were sleeping on a chair on the other side of the room.
Same time, Same Place...
My house and my house before this, both were very old, my best friend's great grandpa lived in my current one. I'll just say what happens here. Everyday, at 2:30PM to 3:00PM, I'll hear banging underneath my floorboards as if someone is under the house and trying to get help/trying to get me underneath to kill or kidnap me. I constantly feel watched through my windows as if my neighbor is looking at me while I'm dancing or getting dressed or anything.
My dogs will be walking out of my room and just randomly look down the hall as if someone is walking there, but nobody would be in that vicinity/would be home with me. And just last night, I put my hand near the edge of my bed and something that wouldn't move if my hand moved had moved and touched the palm of my hand.
Not Funny
Currently live in "haunted" house, and we have had the usual happen: doors opening/closing by themselves, voices when no one is around, shadow people. The one thing that takes the cake though is the damn pizza! We were having dinner and watching television when a slice of pizza lifted up and flipped over toppings down and then flipped back over the other way! I'm still scratch my head at how or why this happened.This sounds like a bad joke but trust me it isn't.
What I See
A light in my house kept coming back on when I had turned off-couple who formerly had that room were dead.
Felt Someone brush past me in condo, former tenant had died.
Saw a man's face with long hair and old style clothes on my TV, realized the TV was off.
Had a problem with my son, saw him in front of me on a sofa smiling at me, that spooked me!
When my oldest brother died, I was not able to attend his funeral, he appeared, smiling in a blue shirt. He was buried in a blue shirt. Was very comforting to me. ❤️
I don't know why I see and dream things.
the old gal...
My grandparents house has a ghost of an old lady that literally sits in the corner of the guest room and knits. I've only seen her twice and both times only frightened me because I never expect to see her.
old lady ghost GIF by South Park GiphyThe Crying
I lived in my parent's guest house when I was younger one night my kids were crying in the other room and I got up to check on them and they were on a bunk bed when I went in their room 2 shadow figures were leaning over them and turned to me I screamed and ran towards them grabbed them with the shadow figures beside me and ran out I never screamed like that or felt fear like that before.
I will never understand how people actively seek out places like these to live in.
Some people get excited at the prospect of living in a haunted space.
No thank you. My sleep schedule is already bad enough.
Go spook someone else please.
Having a routine makes life easier, plain and simple. Things becomes second nature like grabbing a coffee from the same shop at the same time in the morning and reaching for the soap without looking in the shower. But when we rely on habits too much, things can get messy. From accidentally throwing your phone in the trash to blurting out incomplete thoughts, these face palm moments will have you rolling in laughter.
Missing in Action
silver key on black carPhoto by Ivan Shemereko on UnsplashI was looking all over my house for my keys. Like, flipping over furniture, full-on panic hunting for these keys. Finally thought that I might have left them in the car. So I went outside, and realized that my car was locked. Purely out of habit, I automatically pulled my keys out of my pocket, unlocked the door, opened the door, and realized that I was a complete idiot.
Got Me Bobbing
I washed an apple at the sink, dried it with a paper towel, turned, tossed the apple in the trash, and stood there holding the paper towel like a dummy.
Rub a Duh, Duh
When I was six or seven years old, I was getting ready for a bath. My parents had already filled the tub with water and bubble bath mix, and all I had to do was take off my clothes and put them in the basket of dirty laundry. I took everything off and promptly threw it all in the soapy tub, instead of the hamper. I stood there and just stared at what I had done for a solid thirty seconds.
Can’t Forget to Say Bye
I had to take a bus to work every day at about 4 AM. My wife usually drove me to the stop so that I didn't have to leave my car there for 14 hours. My wife's friend was staying with us while she looked for a job and house in the area. She was getting up early anyways, so she decided she’d take me and let my wife sleep.
When we got to the stop, I just instinctively leaned over and kissed her goodbye. Then I felt this jolt of panic as I realized what I had done. My poor wife's friend had a dumbfounded look on her face, and I instantly turned red as I apologized profusely and said "Sorry, it was a habit." My wife poked fun at me for days for putting the moves on her friend.
Just Grazing By
When my daughter was very young, she loved trains. So, I'd take her on short train rides whenever I could. She couldn't get enough. Part of the routine was that, when we were on the train, we'd look out the windows and I'd point out the animals to her. I got some weird British alarmed looks that time I pointed out of the window and loudly said, "Look! Moo cows!" when I was on the train by myself.
Going Off Script
red and yellow love neon light signagePhoto by Eduardo Soares on UnsplashI used to work for Comcast in their call center. I worked 3 PM-12 AM, so the only thing that was open when I would finish work was McDonald's. During the holidays, there’s unlimited overtime. I, being 19 and having no obligations at the time, decided to work non-stop until I fell down at my desk. One year, I worked three days straight.
I took my mandatory breaks every couple of hours and napped in the lunch room here and there. Finally, I decided I'd had enough at around 2 AM one morning. I stopped at the McDonald's drive thru because I wanted something hot to eat. Up to this point, I had subsisted on mints and packs of crackers from a vending machine.
The conversation at the window went something like this, “go ahead and order when you're ready,” the lady told me. I went, “Thanks for calling Comcast, home of the triple play. My name is so-and-so, how can I assist you today?” Then there was a very long, awkward pause. I ended up sleeping in the parking lot of that McDonalds.
I spent about the next 12 hours in my car. The manager eventually knocked on my window and asked me if I was homeless and if I needed to come in and warm up.
Not My Stop
I’m an ex-bus driver, and many times on my way home from work, I would go to pull into a bus stop in my car...
Not Even Close
I was meeting my brother's in-laws for the first time. They asked me what my name was. I said, "Pete." My name is Tiffani.
Not the Sharpest
I was working the backline at an Arby's WAY back in the day. We used to get our sub buns by the foot, but all the subs we sold were six inches. One day, when I was really tired, I literally reached into the bag, grabbed a sub roll, cut it in half, then put the knife back in the bag, and tried to cut another sandwich with the sub bun. The manager laughed.
Is This How You Do It
I was signing for a parcel on one of those electronic machine things that delivery drivers use. On this particular day, I wasn't paying any attention and ended up staring at the screen, zoning out for a full minute, then instead of signing my name, I just drew a straight line on the screen and handing it back. The mailman was very confused.
What Comes Out Must Go In
I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning for a random substance test for baseball last semester. After I peed in the cup, I was so tired and on such intense autopilot that I did something disgusting. I mindlessly drank my own pee cup. I don't know why, but I did it. Luckily, I was so tired that I didn't register the taste, and there was still enough in the cup to test.
Need for Safety
I went to the cinema to watch the new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. I was running a little late so I missed the previews and walked in to find that the movie had already begun. There was a furious car chase on screen when I arrived. After I found a seat and sat down, I instinctively tried to find my seatbelt so I could buckle up.
Making It Fit
I poured milk into my baby's bottle then, since it was, like, four in the morning, I tried to hear the full milk carton in the microwave, instead of the bottle. The carton was way too big but instead of realizing I had the wrong thing, I just got angry that it wasn't fitting. I only stopped trying because my husband was there watching and he start laughing.
All Good Things Come to an End
I woke up without an alarm, had breakfast, took a bath, and drove half hour to my work feeling great. I even thought to myself on the way, "Lucky me, the traffic is very nice today." Just when I arrived, the security greeted me with the worst words possible: "Good morning, sir, working even over the holiday?" I drove all the way home and had a nap.
Catching Up
I’m always running to catch the subway after waiting at the crosswalk in front of the station. Once, I was casually walking with my friend in the same area and then started running when the cross sign lit up. He had no idea what was happening.
I’m Home!
man sitting inside carPhoto by Ani Kolleshi on UnsplashI drove home from Phoenix to Prescott. I got all the way to my old driveway before remembering that I had moved to Flagstaff about a month prior.
Everything Has Its Place
I tried to put the cat into the tool drawer and then almost put the poor thing into the fridge 30 seconds later.
Something’s Not Working
I stopped at a stop sign and waited at least a minute and a half for it to turn green.
Just Gonna Take That
I went to the grocery store, packed everything in my backpack at the self check-out, and went home. As soon as I got home, I remembered that I never actually paid. When I made the realization that I hadn’t paid, I went back, swiped my card at the self check-out, and ended my transaction. Nobody had even noticed it happened.
Habits of an Old Man
I've worked as a caregiver for adults with mental and physical disabilities for over a decade. I do basic care helping adult men do daily activities like shaving, buttoning shirts, and so on. On a date, I was a bit buzzed, so I started to fix my date's shirt and told him he needed to look in the mirror to see if he wanted a shave.
I Know What That Means
dried leaves and stones on train tracksPhoto by @felipepelaquim on UnsplashI work on a train. On the railroad, you can get verbal permission to pass a red signal or flag either from the dispatcher or the employee who’d put the red flag there. You cannot under any circumstances pass a blue light or flag because that protects employees working on/under/between rolling stock beyond the blue signal from any danger.
Driving home in the car late one night, I decided to take a shortcut through the local university. I went around a corner and saw a blue light marking a call station. My immediate conclusion was, “Shoot, can’t go that way.”
Practicing Healthy Habits
I work with preschoolers, and we sing songs to help them wash their hands. I started singing the same song when I went out with some friends to a bar and needed to go to the bathroom. The other lady in the restroom gave me the weirdest look...
Looks Right to Me
I was getting my car out of the parking lot and heading back home after a long day. Shortly after I started driving, I passed by a car that was identical to mine and thought, "Cool, I found my car." Nope. I was so wrong. I got out my car (which I had already found) and went to get into a stranger's car, thinking I'd discovered my own vehicle. Halfway through, I realized what I was doing and looked around hoping nobody saw.
Day Droning
I was sitting in math class one day, and I was just humming to myself while the teacher was explaining something on the board. She went to turn off the projector, which was beside my desk. Then, still standing next to me, she gave me this strange look and asked me, "Is something wrong?" I had been very deep in thought.
So much so, that I had lost the tune but kept humming, so I was now just humming a long, low "hmm" without any change in pitch. So, yeah, that was embarrassing.
Slack Jaws
Sometimes in the shower, I fill my mouth with water, and just let it pour out. One day, before work, I was brushing my teeth and standing in the bathroom fully dressed in my work clothes. But my brain thought I was in the shower, so I just let the toothpaste pour slowly out of my mouth and onto my outfit. Now my boyfriend warns me not to "drool toothpaste" all over myself.
Been Here, Done That
cooked foodPhoto by Eiliv Aceron on UnsplashI lived in the same house for 16 years before I moved. Years later, I did a bit of summer work as a construction worker on the house where I used to live. When I came in the first day, it was like traveling back in time. I mindlessly did what I always did when I lived there. I waltzed into the kitchen during the family’s breakfast, opened the fridge, and looked for something to eat.
I came to myself and looked up. The family was staring at me with their jaws dropped. Like, the breakfast table forks were paused in mid-air at this unknown construction worker making himself right at home. I was so embarrassed. I backed out stammering the whole time and trying to have them understand, “I used to live here.” I was not allowed inside again.
Worn Out
I went to the doctor's office, took off my sweater for a flu shot, and realized my t-shirt was on inside out. I got home, took off my t-shirt, and realized my bra was inside out.
Which Is Which
I work with both a phone and radio at work and have answered my phone with, "base, go ahead," and my radio with, "Lincoln county Transit." I have also had my radio go off and picked up my to-go cup of coffee and used it to try and respond. I use a straw with my coffee, and in my half-awake mind, I thought it was the antenna.
Losing the Scruff
I started to trim my beard and didn't see that the guard was off. A huge swath of beard was gone in one swipe. My two-year-old still refers to me during the beardless months as "Creepy Daddy." I am not allowed to shave it off again.
Excels in Observation
I have two kids and am in the habit of pointing out things I think they’ll like such as rainbows, the moon, nice dogs, and stuff like that. One day at work, I turned to a young male childless colleague and said, “Oh, look over there, a kitty cat!!” He gave me a weird look and stopped making small talk with me after that.
Two Strikes Against
five orange fruits and one black smartphone on waterPhoto by Khiet Tam on UnsplashI put my phone under the faucet to fill up my water bottle. I recognized my mistake. And then I did it again.
What Are You Yelling About?
I work as a housekeeper, and when we knock on doors, we yell, “Housekeeping,” and when we throw laundry down the chute, we yell, “Heads,” for those below to mind their heads. One day, I knocked on a door and loudly yelled, “Heads!” Later that day, the back of my mind remembered my mistake and made sure to “Correct it.” Unfortunately, I underestimated my own stupidity.
I over-corrected by stupidly yelling, “Housekeeping!" down the laundry chute.
I Meant to Do That
Once, I ate pizza at a friend's house and, out of habit, threw the crust on the floor for the dog. Those friends didn't have a dog.
Can’t Forget to Mention
"Here you go, if you need anything else, just let me know,” I said as I graciously put down the plate with food I cooked for the only person in the room. Me.
Dude, Where’s My Car?
I got my license at age 25 after moving from the city to a tiny town. I was so used to walking everywhere that one day I drove somewhere, forgot I’d driven, and walked back to work. I finished work and thought, “Oh, my car’s not there, must have walked in today,” so I walked home. I got home, and the car was not there.
So, I thought, “Oh, must’ve left it at mom’s,” but it wasn’t there, nor was it at the shops or the pool. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone if they had seen it and had absolutely no idea where I’d left it, so I just kept walking everywhere for three or four days. Eventually, my housemate saw it and asked if I was ever picking it up.
Changing Behaviors
macro shot of yellow train hanging handlesPhoto by Jad Limcaco on UnsplashI've been working with children for seven years. When I'm really distracted, I go into teacher mode. If I'm traveling with people, I'll count them on and off public transport, offer everyone water and snacks if I have them, and tell complete strangers to "use your walking feet/inside voice" if they're running or shouting.
Why Did You Do That?
I was talking to my boyfriend while he was eating a sandwich. Mid-sentence, he ripped a piece off and threw it at my face. He looked stunned when I didn't open my mouth and catch it. We have a dog who begs for food at the table all the time. When we realized that my boyfriend had accidentally forgotten I was a human woman and not a dog, we both nearly peed laughing.
I Guess I’m Up Now
I woke up, automatically got out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, packed up my backpack, headed out of my dorm, and happened to glance at the clock in the lounge. Then the other shoe dropped. It was 1:30 AM.
Thrown to the Wolves
My dog's favorite part of the day is dinner time. I pull out her food and get a scoop of kibble; she starts wagging and doing the tippy-taps. One day, instead of going to her bowl, I dumped the full scoop into the trash can. She just looked at me with the saddest eyes. I felt so terrible, so she got extra food and pets.
Power Up
At the gym, there is an arm curl machine. Typically, I do a heavy amount, but that day I was tired and pretty brain fried. As I used the machine, I didn’t realize that there was no weight on it, and I tried curling it with effort as normal. I ended up slamming myself in the head with the bar. Everybody in the building saw.
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service
people sitting on chair inside buildingPhoto by Phil Mosley on UnsplashFor this to make sense, you need to know that I always take my shirt off after my shoes when I get undressed. So, there I was at around 4:30 in the morning heading through security to fly across the country for a festival. I was nowhere close to awake and running on autopilot. I was throwing my stuff on the conveyor, taking my shoes off, and then automatically started to take my shirt off.
The very attractive TSA lady was like, "Slow down, sir, we just met." I didn't know they came with a sense of humor.
Uncommon Phrases
I came into work at the front of house after several extended nights of profound insomnia. I was holding up ok until a gal walked in with a dog in her arms. I always chat with people about their dogs because people love to talk about their dogs and often tip a little more when they feel like they’ve connected with you. Looking back, this was a mistake.
I didn't have two neurons to rub together to break from the script of, "Hey, what can I get you,” “Here is your total,” and, “Would you like a receipt?" I leaned over the counter, locked my sleep-starved, unfocused, googly eyes on this poor woman, and blurted out, “Your dog. Who is he?" and then expectantly stared at her.
I stared like it was a normal and not at all insane thing that I just kind of word-vomited at her. She kind of stared at me and clutched her dog a little closer, and I think I probably went a little cross-eyed and tried to salvage the conversation by talking more. I don't remember what I said, but it was not an improvement.
Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water
I went to check the mail, grabbed my keys, and remembered, “Oh yeah! There’s garbage and recycling that needs to go out!” So I stopped at the mailbox, retrieved my mail, threw away the garbage, threw away the mail, and threw away my keys. A neighbor asked if I was going to need those. I kind of stopped, realized what I'd done, and mumbled, "Oh nooo."
Getting Ready to Go
I started unbuttoning and unzipping my pants while I walked towards the toilet just like I do at home because I'm efficient like that. There was just one problem: I was not at home. I was at work. And I was walking through the shared office.
Problems Saying Goodbye
This guy I had a HUGE crush on was leaving my apartment. He said something along the lines of, "All right, this was fun, I'll see you later on." I didn't feel capable of waving, so I did a weird circular motion with my arms, snapped both fingers into finger-pointers at him, and then winked. WHY?
Did You Want Something?
group of person eating indoorsPhoto by National Cancer Institute on UnsplashAs a teenager, I worked at McDonald's. My McDonald's was open 24 hours and, during the summer, I worked the overnight shift. My sleep schedule would get all messed up. My parents woke me up for dinner one evening. I zombie walked to the table and then sat there. My dad asked me to say grace. I bowed my head and tried my best.
I said, "Thank you for choosing McDonald's, may I take your order?"
Control Your Volume
I guess I listen to too many podcasts because I keep trying to pause work conference calls. I’ve also caught myself trying to increase my husband’s volume by pushing buttons on my phone while we’re in a room together having a conversation.
Are We Leaving Yet?
I had just finished getting my hair cut when I walked out of the salon to get into my car. I got into the back seat and sat there for a full minute before realizing that I drove myself there. Oh, but it gets worse. The salon had a glass storefront, and I was parked front and center. Everyone saw me have my epiphany moment and then humiliatingly get in the front seat to drive home.
Official Protocol
I finally got a job as a consultant that I had been trying to get for years. It was just a position at our local grocery store, but the department was the best in town, so I was pumped. I was doing a great job and getting regulars at my tastings. One time, I hosted a tasting with a fairly expensive bottle of champagne.
I opened the bottle, and it started fizzing since it wasn't cooled enough yet, and my instant reaction was to start chugging it because that's what you do with soda. But this was not soda. It was much more expensive than soda, and I was chugging it in the middle of the sales floor while on the clock in a grocery store.
Here Come the Water Works
I had a deadline, and I was very sleep deprived. I drank a lot of coffee so I had to visit the washroom a lot. During one particular visit late at night, I went to wash my hands as usual but the tap wouldn't budge. I kept turning it, yet no water would come out. So, I did what other adults would do when that happens. I cried.
I called for someone to check it saying that I broke the tap in between gasps. My boyfriend walked to the sink and magically fixed the tap. I was turning it the wrong way.
