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Shameless People Share Their "Book Me A One Way Ticket To Hell" Moments

Both of my parents are ministers, so I grew up going to church several times a week. I've been convinced I was going to hell for, like, forever. I've never really done anything terrible, but I've certainly got a dark sense of humor. Maybe that's why I couldn't help clicking when I saw this Reddit question:

People without shame, what was your biggest "I just booked my one way pass to hell" moment?

I'm suddenly not feeling so bad about the time I couldn't help cracking up at my friend's grannies funeral. Trust me, these people have done WAY worse.

Grandma's Socks

My son was in Grade 1, and liked to wear pink socks. While I was waiting to pick him up, one of his little friends comes by. "Do you know {your son} wears pink socks? Like a girl!!"

I replied "His grandmother gave him those socks, because she loves him very much." Then I cocked my head and made eye contact. "Doesn't YOUR grandmother give YOU socks?"

He muttered "No". I said "Huh" and looked at him with deep pity. Then walked away.

Wheelchair

The police busted a party I was throwing and I answered the door in a wheelchair to make the officers feel uncomfortable enough to not enter the house. My legs work fine.

I had every intention of spilling out of the chair onto the ground and pretending I couldn't walk and didn't need the officers help getting back into my seat if he tried to enter the house. In theory, it would have given my friends enough time to get rid of anything illegal we may have had in the house at the time. So there.

For everyone asking where I got the wheelchair, one of my roommates worked at an old folks home that was getting rid of a couple of them and she was asked to take them to the dump. My other two roommates and I convinced her to let us keep them instead and we used them as porch chairs and for drunken downhill races.

Zombie Bite

Not me but my Mum. It was Halloween and she opened the door to a couple of little kids trick or treating. The kids were dressed up really good all covered in fake blood and stuff, so my Mum says something like "wowwww you look so scary!". She then notices one of the kids has his arm tucked into his shirt so she yells "WOAH WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM? DID A ZOMBIE BITE IT OFF?!". The kid starts crying, my Mum then realizes that he legitimately only has one arm... so she just silently shuts the door on them and was absolutely mortified.

Religious Torture Porn Is Hilarious

Went with my whole (very catholic) family, including grandma, to see The Passion of the Christ. My brother and I were both a little fidgety and bored for most of it. That was NOT the attitude of anyone else in this particular theater.

For those who haven't seen it (SPOILER ALERT) Jesus dies, and is put in a tomb. The screen fades to black.

The women behind us start clapping. Frantic excited clapping.

And then the scene fades back in, and there is another whole two minutes to the movie, making it seem like the women were applauding the death of Jesus, and not the film itself.

My brother (loudly) whispers to me "Well, they are going to hell!"

I could not stop laughing. Tears running down my face, cannot catch my breath, snorting, barking laughter. AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDED.

The lights come up in the theater, and I look like I am LAUGHING at the religious torture we just sat through.

Looks like it is me that's going to hell.

"Can't Bear It"

My friend has a giant bear stuffed animal thats basically with her at all times in her dorm room. She went to an exam one day and my friend hung the bear from the ceiling in her dorm room. She came back from her exam all upset bc she didnt do that well and came back to her dorm room to that.... yeah hes going to hell

Oh and there was a note on the bear that said, "idk about you but i just couldn't bear it anymore"

Slipped On The Ice

It was a cold Winter day, and it was my 2nd time circling the block looking for a parking space on the street.

On the icy sidewalk, I see an elderly woman who is easily in her 90's. She slips on the ice and falls hard on her back right beside me at the same time a car 10 metres away pulls out.

She made direct eye contact with me, lying in the snow.

I mouthed "I'm sorry..." and pulled ahead into the available spot.

By the time I ran back to help, there were 2 other people assisting and she didn't look like she wanted me there anyway at that point.

Eye Contact

Well this was while I was working as an electrician. I was driving my service truck into a back alley and saw a bunch of young kids. One of them makes eye contact and for whatever reason I just maintained it as I drove by dimly aware of running over something small. Then after I passed I realized I ran over his fucking bike. I looked the kid straight in the eye while I crushed what I assume is only means transportation.

I didn't stop. I was late for a service call.

High School Awkward

An older friend of mine announced to our group that his grandfather had just died. He wasn't particularly upset since they'd seen it coming for some time, but that doesn't excuse my next comment: "Haha, you probably killed him didn't you?"

I... I don't know what I was thinking. I was in my mid teenage years and was always trying to be the class clown, but that- that is just inexcusable. And only after the other 3-4 people in the room gasped and stared at me did I realize the cosmic idiocy of what I'd just said. I slapped my hands over my mouth and apologized profusely. Luckily the guy understood I was just being an awkward high school idiot and said it was fine. We're still in touch to this day.

Eating Tree Bark

I slammed a mentally disabled kid into a pine tree, face first, and held him there until the cops showed up.

We caught him climbing out of my parent's bedroom window when we got home... He tried to run, he wound up eating tree bark.

Turns out that not only was the kid mentally disabled, but he had a crush on my baby sister, and broke in to, in his words: "Wait for her to get home."

Wtf.

To top it off, dude was the younger brother of my first high school sweetheart. We had broken up several years before the kid broke in.

Holy Water

Late to the thread, but my best friend and I once stole holy water from a Catholic Church to put in our bong to smoke out of. I swear we got higher.

"Walking Like An Idiot"

Details: Was camping with friends and came into town to grab socks because I only brought 3 pairs and they had gotten wet. Went to Walmart and straight to the bathroom in the back of the store. Someone had TRASHED the small stall, so I went in the big one. I had eaten nothing but cliff bars for like 3 days and i was prettt stopped up. It hurt and I was in tears pushing out what felt like a small child.

Queue electric wheelchair. It's red. I see it roll up to the stall. He jiggles the door, sighs and grunts, then backs in neatly near the trash can to wait it out. Im frozen. What do I do?! Do I tell him sorry, it's gonna be a minute? I don't know! So I stay there, silently crying, until im done. I took 10 minutes to wipe, trying to be a quiet as possible. His caretaker comes in and goes "oh someone's in there?" Wheelchair guy grunts. 5 min later, he leaves and, presumably, goes to the other bathroom.

Finally, I open the stall, wash my hands, and pretend to have cerebral palsy or something as I walk out. He sees me. Wheelchair guy knows. Then, my friends see me and ask why I'm walking like an idiot, in front of him. My heart sank that day.

One Leg, No Prosthetic

I was riding passenger in someone's car and saw a rather heavy set man riding his bike up the hill and was struggling greatly to do so. (I was 15 btw- I swear I'm not a POS anymore) and said "Wowww, he's sure having a hard time today, too many cheeseburgers??" And stared at the driver like I was expecting them to laugh. We both look over, and the guy has one fucking leg. No prosthetic. He was biking uphill with one goddamn leg. Driver just stared at me and shook his head and said "Good job as$hole, you just made a fat joke at a cripple."

I'm not sure which is worse, but it is safe to say I'll never mock someone like that again.

I felt like such a bastard.

I Was Tired

Driving in a snowstorm I pull up to a red light and notice a car skidded off into the ditch. The guy is standing there on the side of the road staring right at me probably wanting me to help (it was late at night and no other cars on the road). The light turned green and I drove off, I was tired and wanted to sleep, hopefully he was okay!

Bongos At A Funeral

My good friend passed away in high school. We were encouraged to go to a church for a prayer session a couple days after he died. A few of my friends and I were sitting in one of the pews when one of them pointed out that this guy on stage was absolutely getting after it on the bongos which did not fit the mood at all. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I then had a handful of people walk up to me and hug me because they thought I was crying from sadness and not from laughter. Felt bad but I know my friend would have saw the humor in it.

Bike Lock

When I was 21, we were at a house party and I locked a bike lock around a passed out guy's neck downstairs that everyone knew used to beat up his girlfriends. When we left, I threw the keys in a bush about three blocks down the road. Nobody knew I did it, and I didn't tell anyone for years. I have no idea how he got it off. For all I know, he's still walking around with it on, 13 years later.

New Hobby Lobby Hobby

Me and my husband, both dudes, specifically go to Hobby Lobby to make out in secluded aisles.

Imaginary Friend

I was working on a group project in college and we were having trouble coming up with a time we could all do with classes and work schedules. At one point a day is mentioned where myself and a second person in the group days we'd prefer not because we have standing friend groups that meet on that day and didn't want to give it up for a series of weeks for the project. Most people were cool, but this one girl starts laying this huge guilt trip about how we suck for prioritizing friends over grades and we should just cancel on our friends.

We toss times around a bit longer and come up with late Sunday morning, except the uptight chick from before who says Sundays are out because she does stuff for her church all day and it's her day for God. I was being mouthy and replied, "Well shit, if you're gonna chill with your imaginary friend all day you certainly can't get on us about hanging out with people that are real!"

She didn't think it was funny.... Most of the rest of the group had to hide a laugh though.

Blackmail

When I was in high school I asked for blackmail money from a friend's mom because I caught her cheating on her husband. I won't go too much into details but I had prove too and I thought I was edgy as fuck. Got 500$ out of it and I would occasionally tell her "I need 100$ by Friday or I'm showing (friends name) the pictures."

I was like 15 when I did that, I still can't believe I did it. And no, I never spilled the beans, but I still have the emails/pictures etc.

I also hacked this one guy's Facebook that use to bully me and got him in some real shit too. No one would ever suspect me of these things either.

H/T: Reddit

Lifehacks, if applied properly, can really change the course of a single household chore.

Chores can really be such a pain to take care of, and nobody wants to do it. But with a little life hack under your belt, you might be able to turn chore time into something a little fun.

u/rat-avec-london asked:

What is a lifehack that seems fake, but is a true lifesaver?

Here were some of those answers.


My Finger, The Glass

If your ring gets stuck on your finger windex will slide it right off. Worked at a jewelry store for five plus years.

coykoi314

You can also use any oil (cooking, automotive... anything).

You can also reduce the size of your hand (and finger) by holding it up in the air. Chilling your hand in cold water THEN holding it up in the air for a couple minutes whilst rubbing oil &/or dishwashing fluids in there... trifecta of ring removal.

Should work on anyone that just stole Sauron's prize - though biting it off also works, i suppose.

SageSilinous

Multiple Uses

Use shaving cream as anti-fog. I used it on the inside of my motorcycle visor. Smear it on, let it dry, then rinse off and dry. It also works for bathroom mirrors. You can use it on a small spot so you can still see when you get out of the shower.

Caspers_Shadow

Shaving cream also removes the smell of urine. If you ever have to take care of someone who is old and/or sick and who wets the bed, a little shaving cream on a rag wiped over their buttocks after they are thoroughly cleaned up helps them really smell clean again.

It's a bit of a sad tip, I know, but you never know when you might end up caring for someone who needs help with things like this. Nobody wants to smell. A dab of shaving cream to restore a bit of dignity? Priceless.

Gen-Jinjur

Pretty Important For Stage Actors

Every male should know this. If you want to get rid of an awkward boner flex any muscle in your body maybe an arm. For a minute. The blood will rush to that muscle and away from your penis. Crisis averted.

GingerOverseer

These life hacks really don't seem real at all, but if you can swear by them, they can save your life.

Obligatory Poop Hack

I saw a comment on one of these kinda threads that recommended gently rocking back and forth while pooping. I've never had any problems in the bathroom, but I happened to be sitting on the toilet when I read the comment so I decided to give it a test drive. I was pleasantly surprised at how quick and effortless the whole experience was and I haven't gone back to my old stationary technique since. As a bonus, #1 and #2 now require the same amount of time in the bathroom!

ASS_LORD_666

It's The Alcohol

If you have funky armpits and need to fix them fast, use hand sanitiser. I figured this out years ago when I remembered that the smell comes from bacteria reactions - which antibacterial hand gel kills stone dead. Instant results and the medical smell lasts only a minute. Don't do this routinely though as it's delicate skin.

ihadanideaonce

But Hopefully It's Just A Playing Puppy

True lifesaver: if you are ever attacked by a dog, push your forearm INTO the bite. This pries the jaws apart and prevents them from clamping down. If a dog is attacking you, the best thing you can do is offer your forearm, push as far back as possible, and then grab the dog by the scruff of its neck with your other hand to hold it. The dog is now functionally muzzled and you have control of its head. The sooner and harder you push into the bite, the less damage the bite will do.

IAlbatross

Get It Off Anything

That rubbing alcohol removes chewing gum.

I'd go through a 20 layer deep marketing funnel to get to that tip because it really does work.

Also wow! Thank you for all of the awards nice Redditors. I completely forgot I left this comment and came back and my notifications had blown up.

omgIamafraidofreddit

And previously impossible situations will give way at long last.

Sayonara Capsaicin

Rubbing vegetable oil (or any cooking oil) on your hands after you cut up jalapeños or other hot peppers. It gets rid of the awfulness that would normally be left on your hands from the peppers. I rub my hands with oil and then wash it off with dish soap. I can totally remove my contacts after doing this. It's crazy how well this works.

PaulRuddsButthole

Crying Crying

Put your onion in the freezer for 10 minutes before chopping it. It freezes the juices just enough to slow down the process of it turning in to a gas, giving you a few minutes to chop the onion without tears. I learnt this tip from a kid's science show years ago and I haven't had to deal with onion tears since. So many people don't believe me, and then are genuinely surprised when it works.

Lost_in_the_Library

Just A Quick Little Base

The cheapest, most effective, and safest insecticide against roaches (especially those huge "water bug" roaches that we have in the South) is a spray bottle of mostly water with just a little liquid dish soap in it.

Shake the bottle & get the water a little foamy, then spray the roaches. They will run, scrabble, and attempt escape, of course, but they will die. The soap film suffocates them faster than any chemicals will.

A friend told me about this, & I thought she was nuts, but I tried it & it works amazingly well. Plus it's very easy to clean up and safe around food (not that you want to spray soapy water ON your food).

SnooPickles3213

Incorporating any of these lifehacks into your home may make a big difference. You'll never want to turn back.

Or you will, whatever. But they're worth a try!

Image by Olya Adamovich from Pixabay

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