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Sex Therapists Reveal What They Wish More People Knew About Intimacy

Sex Therapists Reveal What They Wish More People Knew About Intimacy

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Sex is ESSENTIAL to survival. That's just truth. It is essential to human survival and more importantly... love survival. But sex isn't the MOST essential element in the end. Couples have been struggling for generations with the perfect balance between the importance of intimacy Why are we afraid of this concept? Why do we poison it and our mindset with so much pressure?

Redditor _meeeeeeeeeeeeesh had some hot under the collar questions by wondering... Sex therapists of Reddit, what do you wish more people knew? What are some of the more common (or obscure) things people have come to you with? Its not that arduous. Breathe and listen.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS... HOPEFULLY...

It's amazing how some problems seem to disappear (or at least, lessen in severity) once a couple resumes intimacy after a dry spell.

txikia

Have a friend down the road, they are having big arguments. We both had kids around the same time, so are out with them a lot, he is constantly talking about how she is withholding sex from him, yet she tells my partner how he doesn't pay attention to her, make her feel special etc.

Sadly the arguments are getting worse and worse over more trivial things, and I feel if they could get back in it together all those little issues would go away and they could work on the more serious ones.

Diskreet

KEEP CHECKING IN...

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I wish couples therapy was a more common thing. For years my wife wanted to do it but I was embarrassed for some reason. Actually our therapist was bad and thought all the worlds problems were caused by alcohol (not the WORST hypothesis but I'm a super light weekend drinker. Problem? Well sure it doesn't help but it was not nearly the root) but going opened to door to some critical thinking. A couples communication class we took was amazing and put things into perspective so well. I plan to take the class again after my current deployment because it was so helpful. That class should be a requirement for people to get married! With refresher every 3 years lol

TRUAMA FOLLOWS YOU...

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For me it's a lot of trauma education. I see so many women (and i know men experience trauma as well, they just aren't a large part of my clientele)who struggle in the bedroom with their spouses because of trauma in their past. Once you can educate both parties how trauma like that affects you physically and mentally you really start to see some growth

SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY IS KEY...

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For couples with mismatched sex drives (which is the majority of couples)- ask yourself whether or not, when you really get things going, you enjoy having sex. If the answer is yes, remind yourself of that when your partner makes advances. In a lot of cases you will find that you don't want to start having sex, not that you don't want to be having sex.

SET GOALS...

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For both: Set sexpectations. Get comfortable saying what you like or don't like.

If it's a dead bedroom, start complimenting each other. Sex, for both parties, starts outside the bedroom. Men and women may need to feel different things (appreciated, empowered, whatever it may be). Be cognizant of that and build each other up slowly. It will help.

Schedule your encounters. They will lead to non-scheduled encounters. Oh, and sex positive households go a long way. One can be spiritual/religious and still be virtuous without making sex a scary thing. This contributes to me seeing newly married couples not have sex because it was taught to be so dirty/sinful/wrong. Check out Song of Solomon/Song of Songs in your Bible if you're Christian. Sex positive households can start with YOU if you didn't get grow up in one!

BE BILINGUAL... OR 5-LINGUAL...

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A satisfying relationship inside the bedroom starts outside the bedroom. I used to intern with therapists and they'd always stress the importance of communication. One of the therapists loved "The 5 Love Languages," which I believe started as a book, but she'd tell them to take a free quiz online to figure out their "love language." So many patients throughout the years would say how learning their "love language" helped save their relationships. I've personally found it incredibly beneficial as well. If nothing else, it opens the door for communication with your SO on what's important and meaningful to you, and that can lead to a much more satisfying sexual relationship.

IT HAPPENS... TAKE A PILL..

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Erectile dysfunction is more common for young men than society thinks. Sildenafil (viagra) and other ED drugs are not only prescribed to old men.

BE SEXY...

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How feeling sexy comes from being sexy, so scheduled sex today can lead to delightfully spontaneous sex tomorrow. Too many people settle into the cold comfort of a minimally maintained relationship, and let the friendship and sexy side of a relationship wither.

Schedule a date to go do something together, agree to a time to have sex, and things usually do get better.

IT'S ALL MENTAL...

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Sex is just as mental as it is physical. Being in a good mood, with no stress in the back of your mind, having a good healthy meal that day and focusing on arousing thoughts and imagery (consistently) hours before sex (or even longer). This will make your sex life better, male/female, relationship/hookups.

IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST...

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I work in pelvic floor physical rehab, I'm on my phone so I'll keep it short.

  • Consider mental health if there is sexual dysfunction whether ED or pain. Also consider physical health (pelvic muscle weakness and/or tightness is also a thing in addition to overall health).

    • It is not normal for there to be pain with/after intercourse (unless that's your thing). Many things can result in this happening but it's not healthy.
    • For men that have urogenital surgeries (prostate, cancer/radiation etc) it's very important to begin penile rehabilitation ASAP post op and to be educated prior to treatment. Timing is very important for improved outcomes in treating erectile dysfunction after surgery. Also incontinence is common after but also know can be improved with physical therapy (many physicians don't know this treatment option is available).

PERFECT TIMING...

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So many guys are worried about premature ejaculation.

Reality?

PiV (Penis in Vagina) sex lasts typically 3-5 minutes.

Lasting _"longer" needing to go _"longer" is a myth.

Reminder piv sex isn't all sex, foreplay, oral sex and other activities mean sex can last... Hours, but the average time the penis is in the vagina thrusting is Yeah 3-5 minutes (some studies say 4-6 minutes)

BE WHO YOU ARE...

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BOTH men and women, in talking about and beginning things regarding intimacy, require emotional bits. Not just women. This is a common misconception and can lead to some problems. If a loving, kind, supportive, and communicative relationship is the foundation, sex is going to be much easier and more comfortable and open. Communication is key. Always. And when it isn't, there's usually some deep seeded problem that needs to be mended ( or at least addressed ) before a couple can move into a flourishing sexual partnership.

A couple of comments are very helpful here, especially those regarding dry spells. I would like to add, however, that dry spells can become cycles. Meaning, if a couple stops having sex because the husband becomes less emotionally available (as an example; a common one), a great fix for this can be sexual intimacy. But on the other side, if problems aren't taken care of, a sexual relationship can be a bandaid when surgery was needed.

LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING...

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I'm a marriage and family therapist who specializes in sexual and LGBT issues (although currently working primarily with children while I get my private practice off the ground in a new state).

The first thing I tell many clients (and this is true about every relationship, be it partner/partner, parent/child, friend/friend, etc,) is that a lot of future issues can be spared if you take the time to communicate your expectations of one another plainly. This is especially true (and hardest to do) regarding sex. Having expectations doesn't make you selfish or needy, it makes you a person. Sex is a big part of a relationship, and acknowledging its importance doesn't make you shallow. Furthermore, you are setting your partner up for failure and yourself up for disappointment if you are not making your expectations known.

Making sure your expectations of one another are realistic, communicated effectively, and that each partner has a desire to meet them are all fundamental. The amount of people who come to me for sexual dysfunction is tiny compared to the amount of people who are having trouble effectively communicating with each other.

IT'S THE PILLS...

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If you're taking a depression or anxiety medication its common to not have as high of a sex drive as before. Understand it has nothing to do with the relationship.

I LIKE AN OIL CHANGE...

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Sex is like an oil change. It will not fix a broken relationship, but it is part of good maintenance.

I CONCORDANCE...

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Everyone needs to learn about "sexual concordance." What a body does, and how you feel/think about it are often two different things. Understanding how sexual concordance happens is probably the single greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner(s) current and future.

For men, generally, they tend to be more sexually concordant than women. For example, a boner = arousal. Women, generally, are not quite as sexually concordant as men. For many women, a sexy situation doesn't always = arousal. Sometimes, for both sexes, something that shouldn't--for whatever reason--be arousing is, and vice versa.

EVERY one needs to be aware that a body's responses is not always in line with what they think should happen. Emily Nagoski's excellent book, Come As You Are, is a great way to get sexual concordance in your vocabulary.

GET YOUR KINK ON!!

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You get to define what is "normal" when it comes to sexuality. As long as it's consensual, go for it!

Source: AASECT Certified Sex Therapist that sees a lot of kinky folk.

People Reveal The Weirdest Thing About Themselves

Reddit user Isitjustmedownhere asked: 'Give an example; how weird are you really?'

Let's get one thing straight: no one is normal. We're all weird in our own ways, and that is actually normal.

Of course, that doesn't mean we don't all have that one strange trait or quirk that outweighs all the other weirdness we possess.

For me, it's the fact that I'm almost 30 years old, and I still have an imaginary friend. Her name is Sarah, she has red hair and green eyes, and I strongly believe that, since I lived in India when I created her and there were no actual people with red hair around, she was based on Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo.

I also didn't know the name Sarah when I created her, so that came later. I know she's not really there, hence the term 'imaginary friend,' but she's kind of always been around. We all have conversations in our heads; mine are with Sarah. She keeps me on task and efficient.

My mom thinks I'm crazy that I still have an imaginary friend, and writing about her like this makes me think I may actually be crazy, but I don't mind. As I said, we're all weird, and we all have that one trait that outweighs all the other weirdness.

Redditors know this all too well and are eager to share their weird traits.

It all started when Redditor Isitjustmedownhere asked:

"Give an example; how weird are you really?"

Monsters Under My Bed

"My bed doesn't touch any wall."

"Edit: I guess i should clarify im not rich."

– Practical_Eye_3600

"Gosh the monsters can get you from any angle then."

– bikergirlr7

"At first I thought this was a flex on how big your bedroom is, but then I realized you're just a psycho 😁"

– zenOFiniquity8

Can You See Why?

"I bought one of those super-powerful fans to dry a basement carpet. Afterwards, I realized that it can point straight up and that it would be amazing to use on myself post-shower. Now I squeegee my body with my hands, step out of the shower and get blasted by a wide jet of room-temp air. I barely use my towel at all. Wife thinks I'm weird."

– KingBooRadley

Remember

"In 1990 when I was 8 years old and bored on a field trip, I saw a black Oldsmobile Cutlass driving down the street on a hot day to where you could see that mirage like distortion from the heat on the road. I took a “snapshot” by blinking my eyes and told myself “I wonder how long I can remember this image” ….well."

– AquamarineCheetah

"Even before smartphones, I always take "snapshots" by blinking my eyes hoping I'll remember every detail so I can draw it when I get home. Unfortunately, I may have taken so much snapshots that I can no longer remember every detail I want to draw."

"Makes me think my "memory is full.""

– Reasonable-Pirate902

Same, Same

"I have eaten the same lunch every day for the past 4 years and I'm not bored yet."

– OhhGoood

"How f**king big was this lunch when you started?"

– notmyrealnam3

Not Sure Who Was Weirder

"Had a line cook that worked for us for 6 months never said much. My sous chef once told him with no context, "Baw wit da baw daw bang daw bang diggy diggy." The guy smiled, left, and never came back."

– Frostygrunt

Imagination

"I pace around my house for hours listening to music imagining that I have done all the things I simply lack the brain capacity to do, or in some really bizarre scenarios, I can really get immersed in these imaginations sometimes I don't know if this is some form of schizophrenia or what."

– RandomSharinganUser

"I do the same exact thing, sometimes for hours. When I was young it would be a ridiculous amount of time and many years later it’s sort of trickled off into almost nothing (almost). It’s weird but I just thought it’s how my brain processes sh*t."

– Kolkeia

If Only

"Even as an adult I still think that if you are in a car that goes over a cliff; and right as you are about to hit the ground if you jump up you can avoid the damage and will land safely. I know I'm wrong. You shut up. I'm not crying."

– ShotCompetition2593

Pet Food

"As a kid I would snack on my dog's Milkbones."

– drummerskillit

"Haha, I have a clear memory of myself doing this as well. I was around 3 y/o. Needless to say no one was supervising me."

– Isitjustmedownhere

"When I was younger, one of my responsibilities was to feed the pet fish every day. Instead, I would hide under the futon in the spare bedroom and eat the fish food."

– -GateKeep-

My Favorite Subject

"I'm autistic and have always had a thing for insects. My neurotypical best friend and I used to hang out at this local bar to talk to girls, back in the late 90s. One time he claimed that my tendency to circle conversations back to insects was hurting my game. The next time we went to that bar (with a few other friends), he turned and said sternly "No talking about bugs. Or space, or statistics or other bullsh*t but mainly no bugs." I felt like he was losing his mind over nothing."

"It was summer, the bar had its windows open. Our group hit it off with a group of young ladies, We were all chatting and having a good time. I was talking to one of these girls, my buddy was behind her facing away from me talking to a few other people."

"A cloudless sulphur flies in and lands on little thing that holds coasters."

"Cue Jordan Peele sweating gif."

"The girl notices my tension, and asks if I am looking at the leaf. "Actually, that's a lepidoptera called..." I looked at the back of my friend's head, he wasn't looking, "I mean a butterfly..." I poked it and it spread its wings the girl says "oh that's a BUG?!" and I still remember my friend turning around slowly to look at me with chastisement. The ONE thing he told me not to do."

"I was 21, and was completely not aware that I already had a rep for being an oddball. It got worse from there."

– Phormicidae

*Teeth Chatter*

"I bite ice cream sometimes."

RedditbOiiiiiiiiii

"That's how I am with popsicles. My wife shudders every single time."

monobarreller

Never Speak Of This

"I put ice in my milk."

– GTFOakaFOD

"You should keep that kind of thing to yourself. Even when asked."

– We-R-Doomed

"There's some disturbing sh*t in this thread, but this one takes the cake."

– RatonaMuffin

More Than Super Hearing

"I can hear the television while it's on mute."

– Tira13e

"What does it say to you, child?"

– Mama_Skip

Yikes!

"I put mustard on my omelettes."

– Deleted User

"Oh."

– NotCrustOr-filling

Evened Up

"Whenever I say a word and feel like I used a half of my mouth more than the other half, I have to even it out by saying the word again using the other half of my mouth more. If I don't do it correctly, that can go on forever until I feel it's ok."

"I do it silently so I don't creep people out."

– LesPaltaX

"That sounds like a symptom of OCD (I have it myself). Some people with OCD feel like certain actions have to be balanced (like counting or making sure physical movements are even). You should find a therapist who specializes in OCD, because they can help you."

– MoonlightKayla

I totally have the same need for things to be balanced! Guess I'm weird and a little OCD!

Close up face of a woman in bed, staring into the camera
Photo by Jen Theodore

Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.

Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?

But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.

It would be so great to be sure there is something else.

But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.

Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:

"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"

Sensations

Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy

"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."

PeachesnPain

Recovery

"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."

"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."

"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."

good_golly99

Take Me Back

"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."

"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."

rayrayrayray

Free

The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy

"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."

TooReDTooHigh

This is why I hate surgery.

You just never know.

Shocked

Giphy

"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."

Admirable_Buyer6528

The SOB

"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."

"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”

1-cupcake-at-a-time

Colors

"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"

Hannah_LL7

"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"

huntokarrr

The Fog

"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."

"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."

Fluffy-Hotel-5184

Through the Walls

"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."

"She's quite alive and well today."

Hot-Refrigerator6583

Well let's all be happy to be alive.

It seems to be all we have.

Man's waist line
Santhosh Vaithiyanathan/Unsplash

Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.

The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.

Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.

Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:

"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"

Redditors didn't see these coming.

Shiver Me Timbers

"I’m always cold now!"

– Telrom_1

"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."

– r7ndom

"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."

– mr_remy

Drawing Concern

"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."

– dee-fondy

"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"

"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."

– LizardofDeath

Unleashing Insults

"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”

"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."

– alanamablamaspama

Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight

"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."

– KeltarCentauri

"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."

– KatMagic1977

"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."

– Jaew96

These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.

Shopping

"I can buy clothes in any store I want."

– WaySavvyD

"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."

– ganache98012

No More Symptoms

"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."

– colleennicole93

Expanding Capabilities

"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."

– Ramblonius

People Change Their Tune

"How much nicer people are to you."

"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"

– LiZZygsu

"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"

"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"

– awholedamngarden

It's gonna take some getting used to.

Bones Everywhere

"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."

– Princess-Pancake-97

"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."

– bekastrange

Knee Pillow

"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."

– snic2030

"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."

– Strongbad23

More Mobility

"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."

"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."

– dma1965

People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.

But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.

That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.