I've always been told... NEVER SETTLE!
But settling can work out.
You never know.
So what really happened when people settled?
Redditor adambier1587asked:
"People who married their 'better than nothing' option, how’s your marriage going?"
Still Time
"My wife said 'so far so good' but it's only been 35 years so there is still time for change if needed."
Netman-
black and white love GIFGiphy22 Years
"I feel like we may have both settled because we had a child together, but 22 years in and he’s a better partner than I could have ever dreamed."
armsinstead
"Definitely everything up to the ‘but’ with my wife, things have been good at best and poor recently. Living together before helped some, but damn I underestimated or was decidedly oblivious to the necessity of having a similar level of intelligence, even more so than common ground, for long-term happiness."
Away_Reaction_1628
Give it a shot...
"A coworker got married to their 'better than nothing' six or seven years ago. It was one of those things where both people settled since they were getting older and I guess they figured they'd give it a shot. They went from single to married in eight months."
"Apparently as time went on it only got better for them."
"They both started actively trying to better themselves (seeing therapists, picking up healthy solo hobbies) and learned how to best communicate with each other over that time. They're both in their early 50s now and they act like a happy younger couple whenever we're at work events. It's kinda cool to see."
"Pretty mundane but I wanted to share one that I know that worked out."
Justicles13
Obsessed
"So my marriage is not 'better than nothing,' but I was also never obsessed with my wife the way I have been obsessed with a new person before. Part of the reason I was willing to marry her was because we communicated well, worked with each other to improve each other's lives, and we generally enjoy many of the same things while still retaining who we are individually. The biggest thing is that we both felt physically and emotionally safe with each other."
"I am now obsessed. I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone."
Xannin
knocking my socks off...
"I think the way you worded this implies that the relationship was shi**y to begin with. I married someone I considered kind of a settle at first. I hadn't had a relationship in over a year and met a girl at a bar and thought, 'she's pretty enough and I like being around her.'"
In Love Hearts GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"The thing is, we grew together and I have a very successful and happy marriage despite her not initially knocking my socks off. I think I fit your comments intent but I'm not sure because at no point in our relationship was it so bad I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore."
"I guess what I'm saying is if my story matches your intent, then it can work out. If you meant marrying into a toxic relationship, I don't think you're going to get many success stories."
MrPopo72
So the end can be different from the beginning. Good to know.
It was devastating...
"I think I am the better than nothing spouse. About a month ago I found out. It was devastating."
Sad Rabbit GIF by Muffin & NutsGiphy"For 17 years she settled for me despite not truly loving me. Life was hard but we had each other or so I thought. The moment we talked about how bad things got she asked for a divorce and I lost my best friend and sole person who I felt I trusted enough to talk to. I move out tomorrow to rebuild my life."
Kierik
The Turning Point
"I don't know if this is exactly what you're after, but my husband and I got together as single parents. When you do that, you're choosing as much for the kids as for you. You actually don't know what kind of couple you are on your own. And when the kids grew up, after over a decade together, we had to figure that out for the first time."
"It started out good for maybe the first 4-5 years, then went really rocky in the kid's teens. Turns out as they needed us less, we really didn't have enough common ground in a lot of ways - in particular, I had emotional and emotional-labour needs that weren't being met."
"We discussed divorce several times, but at our peak crisis point, decided to work on it because one of our kids had just had a bereavement (death of the other parent). And honestly, it still wasn't working that well and maybe still would have ended in divorce, but then I had a terrible work situation that lasted a year, and he really stepped up."
"That was the turning point. I was able to let go of my resentments about all the times I'd carried us, because at some point he'd done enough that I didn't feel baited-and-switched anymore. Then the kids grew up and we had to learn to be a couple on our own together."
"That took time, but we'd sort of grown and changed into a better match by then. We're really solid now, have been for probably the last five years or so. But it's been a team endeavour to get it that way and keep it there, it's not something that just happens."
nurseynurseygander
Love & Loss
"Was married for 10yrs, got 2 kids out of it and some of the happiest years of my life. We both pretty much settled for each other. Eventually both concluded that we just weren't right for each other and cut it off but I don't have any regrets about it. Without her I definitely would have been one of the people out there that are forever alone. So I definitely would agree with the 'better to have loved and lost' saying."
FerretsAteMyToes
Option in my 30's
"I married my 'better than nothing' option in my 30s. We both understood what we had waited for and committed ourselves fully to the marriage. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had married my 'preferred option' and I realize that the love I feel from the person I married is so much better than the 'preferred option' would have been."
"I never did convince the preferred option to date me, while the woman I'm married to now found me easy to love. In other words, my romantic self is an idiot and my better than nothing was actually better than everything."
eileyle
42
"My parents got married because they were considered old in their church (they were 26 and 24…) and they both wanted kids. My mom told me that is was the practical thing to do, haha! Luckily they hit it off, and though it took a lot of time and work, they are annoyingly in love and have been married for 42 years next month."
Islanduniverse
in love kiss GIFGiphySo good enough can turn into the perfect choice.
Good to know...
"How do you know when someone is really in an open relationship, and not a cheater pretending to be in one?"
When In Doubt, Don't...
"If you're feeling off about it, don't do it."- Massive-Ad7628
Bad Feeling I Anticipate Problems GIF by America's Got TalentGiphyConfirmation Needed From Both
"When the partner openly knows and acknowledges it."- EngineeringVirgin
"I was seeing a man who was married."
"He assured me that their relationship was open, that he had full permission to do whatever, and that if it would make me comfortable he would give me his wife’s number and she and I could chat."
"We saw each other for about four years."
"I went to pick him up at his house a couple times and his wife would say 'have a nice date!'."
"That’s the way to do it."
"Everything on the table."
"If there’s some sneakiness, something that makes you feel it’s not quite right, you need to listen to that feeling."- theyarnllama
"Ask to meet their partner."
"If they’re really open, it shouldn’t be a problem."- bloomautomatic
Threes Company Reaction GIF by moodmanGiphyAn Oldie But A Goodie...
"Ask them to pinky swear."- Still_kinda_hungry
Give Your Intentions A Second Thought As Well
"Agh."
"Ok so I’m in an open relationship with my partner and he hooked up with this girl, and we called her to go get a drink with us and she was like 'I knew he had a girlfriend, but I didn’t know you knew'.”
"After that I def didn’t want to hang out with her because she thought she was facilitating him cheating on me."
"Not cool."
"Intentions matter."- Physical_Witness_922
Ask And Answer
"In my experience, ask literally anything about what type of poly or open they are."
"Also anyone who isn't willing to get/show a recent std test isn't worth the risk."- Midori8751
just ask leslie jones GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphyInstructional Videos
"My SO and I just make videos explaining the situation and ground rules."
"That way, our potential partner know what they are dealing with."- TagtheCat
Doesn't Hurt To Check...
"I slept with a woman who was in an open marriage."
"Her husband called to check on her and ask if she was ok."
"She said she was fine and that was the extent of the call. I think that’s a pretty good indicator."- Fit-Concern-81
It's All About The Reaction
"When they introduce you to their SO as their lover and the SO is fine with it."
"Open relationships rarely sneak around on each other."- welltriedsoul·
“'So like…. You know your husbands screwing Ashley right….??'”
“'Yeah I know'.”- AkKik-Maujaq
It Must Be A Mutual Decision
"In my experience, one of my ex's said we were in an open relationship, however I didn't know that."
"So yeah, that's a cheater."
"I briefly dated someone that was in an open relationship (the couple were long distance)."
"I spoke on the phone with the girlfriend before any sex happened so we could all be on the same page regarding boundaries and intentions, what protection will be used, testing, etc."
"It really wasn't awkward, and I appreciated knowing that everyone was aligned."- korova_chew
Cartoons Button GIF by NickelodeonGiphyIf They Say No, That's A Problem
"Ask them if you can talk to their partner."- vivi2626
Don't Ask, Don't Tell... Don't Date!
"I've been poly for closing in on 2 decades."
"I used to run a large poly meetup in a huge metro area."
"I've seen it all, personally talked to several thousand+ poly folks over the years, etc."
"I REFUSE to engage with anyone in a DADT policy at all at this point."
"HARD F*CKING PASS, the vast majority of the time its cheating."
"And when its not I swear 95% of the time is because the couple with the DADT policy hasn't done any work around opening up their relationship and there are a LOT of problems involved."
"And I want nothing to do with that huge nightmare of a cluster f*ck anymore."
"Here's my perspective and where it comes from."
"The amount of cheating I've seen is beyond staggering."
"A huge percentage of the women I know have run into TONS of men that are cheating and try to use poly, dadt, etc as a guise to do it."
"I have zero reason to put that much trust in someone I just met. It's the same reason I ask for proof of STI testing."
"I can't understand people with the attitude of 'if you can't trust them why are you with them' the whole point is you don't know them that well why would you trust them?"
"This is one step in establishing some trust."
"The ethical part of ENM is a big big deal to me, and I refuse to be complicit in cheating and be put in an unethical situation."
"If cheating was rare it would be a different situation, but f**k it's common."
"I've verified 100% of my partners are in ethical situations, and none of them had a problem with it."
"I've had a number of their partners thank me for actually checking."
"I'll accept a few options for verification, a phone call, voice chat, a brief text exchange while my date is present, a prerecorded voice / video message, or showing me snippets of a conversation where being poly is discussed / confirmed and there is a long-standing chat history with said person."
"Most of the time I had already met or seen their partner, so I already knew it was ethical."- f*cklifehard
Schitts Creek No GIF by CBCGiphyMany couples have said that their communication and commitment has greatly improved after opening their relationships.
When one half of a couple seeing other people causes pain and unhappiness, however, it seems clear that that relationship is not open in a healthy way.
Particularly if only one person is truly benefitting from it.
Redditor leilavanora wanted to hear about the people who left this world too soon, so they asked:
"How did the kid from your school die?"
So many people gone before their time!
Gruesome
Episode One Armchair GIF by PBSGiphy"Fell off a jet ski and then got hit by it when the driver turned around. Drowned."
lindseys10
"Jet skis are insanely dangerous. If you read up on jet ski deaths they are awful much more gruesome too."
anightclubfordogs
Family Issues
"There was a boy from a family of alcoholics, whose parents divorced, he lived with a mom who was a very heavy drinker and a stepdad. Stepdad had a son who spent quite some time in mental facilities and rehab because he f**ked up his brain with drug use. The son eventually came home to live with his father and my classmate. One time the classmate accidentally saw his stepbrother sniffing glue from a bag."
"Stepbrother got mad, poured kerosene on him, and lit him up. When his mother saw her child was burning she jumped out the window and ran away while his younger siblings were trying to put out the fire. Unfortunately, once they managed to he was already dead."
Healthy-Gain-6586
April
"End-stage renal disease. She was doing good for a couple of years and waiting for a transplant while getting regular dialysis but ended up passing away in 11th grade."
whiteoff44
"That's sad. Plug for Organ donation awareness: April is National Donate Life month. Every day, 17 people die in the US waiting for an organ transplant. If you aren't an organ donor already, sign up at https://www.organdonor.gov/sign-up"
jackruby83
It was devastating
"He froze to death in his sleep after passing out in the snow. It was a school trip with his class and they had some beers but probably some of the first few times they tried alcohol. It was devastating. They were moving from one house to another and he had said he needed a break in between but everyone forgot or just thought he was in another house."
"It sounds like an obvious mistake but it's not necessarily that cold even if it's snow, especially after a drink. To lie down and chill on a snow pile with a good jacket is no problem but if you pass out and forget well damn."
Fit-Childhood879
WTF
Shock What GIF by Paramount+Giphy"In middle school, my neighbor accidentally shot and killed his best friend while hunting. Years later he was beheaded by the Taliban along with two English men. Unbearably sad."
Suspicious-War-8839
Guns and hunting. That is just constant danger.
No Violence
No Way Do Not Want GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy"Wrestling team bully with anger management issues punched an elderly man in a road rage incident and the elderly man shot him dead and was acquitted as it was deemed self-defense."
evolution9673
So Fragile
"He was playing football and randomly passed out. Never woke up again."
Aints*itAngel
"Happened on the soccer pitch next to ours when I was playing 5-a-side with my work buddies. The kid who looked late teens fell down hard and didn't come back up again. They tried CPR and the defibrillator from the office before the paramedics showed up."
"We just stood there speechless watching it go down. And while it looked super bad, they took him away on a stretcher still working on him so I didn't actually find out he died until a week later when we were back for our usual slot and they held a silence."
"Never even found out the kid's name but I still think about it sometimes. Life can so be fragile."
ianjm
Wired
"An electrician screwed up rewiring her family’s house so a live wire was touching a metal pipe connected to the bath. Her mum was wearing rubber work boots when she filled the bath so wasn’t electrocuted but she must have accidentally brushed against the tap or gone to add some more water while submerged and was killed instantly. We lived in a very small town where everyone knew each other so it really rocked our community. She was in the grade above me so would have been around 10-11."
TimedDelivery
Be Safe
Driving Time Lapse GIF by YevbelGiphy"Like 5 of them died of drunk driving accidents, three of them at one time, Little redneck school in the middle of nowhere apparently people seem to think drinking and driving is the only way to have fun."
Maleficent-Touch-67
Life is fleeting and fragile.
Appreciate every second, kids.
