When we're at work we should be on our professional best behavior. We should try to be above reproach. But sometimes there are just people and situations that will test your patience more than Job's! It's in these moments we must find subtle ways of expressing our thoughts. That can take a lot of deep breaths.
Redditor Reddit wanted everyone to discuss some "creative" workplace telling off by asking..... What's the most professional way you've heard/said, "FU," in the work place?
Still good at 30....
Overheard my boss once say "Our policy is...(long pause while he loads up his phrasing, then clearly changes his mind and just says)...no."
Literally thirty years ago and still gives me a chuckle. Ladybeetus
Do the Math.....
During an exit interview...
"Ya, I had a great 3 years here."
"But, you worked here for 5 years..." idioteques
Watch your language...
"If that is your understanding of the current agreement, we need go revisit the language so that your expectation levels can be set more appropriately." xmagusx
That's just dripping with f**k you! ApolloDionysus
I used to have a co-worker who was a know it all who could actually back it up. We had a memory leak (for non programmers: a very big issue) and he found it and was making the fix. He said something in the lines of "the leak is in line 247" and our boss goes nuts, spends an hour ranting about how he wrote that code himself and there was no way the leak was there, and how dumb he was to think it was there.
Coworker let's him talk for an hour, then with the best poker face says "that's great but the leak is in line 247." Then demonstrates it in a minute. Reddit
Talk to Wyatt!Giphy
I do IT help desk, we have a person in IT who is one of those people who just likes to hear herself talk, and can go on for quite awhile. One day i pick up the phone, and someone is asking for her. here's the interaction:
Me: IT this is Wyatt how can i help?
User: Hi, i was working with [person] earlier to try and fix my [some issue i cant remember]
Me: Oh yeah, give me one second i'll see if she's at her desk and i'll transfer you over.
User: Please don't.
Just the tone in their voice as they said that made it clear that they really did not want to spend any more time on the phone with that person. WyattBrisbane
Are we deaf?
I was in a meeting where we were planning out a huge client presentation and one of the guys who was there just went off on a complete diatribe of how he would go about adding some flair. He was known for being a loudmouth, and after about 15 minutes of his plans, the team lead just literally put up his hand and waited for him to stop talking. He sat there for 30 seconds in silence and then moved on. No addressing anything that was just said. gellman
And that's THAT!
My family works in the textile industry.
Once, my dad worked at a company that had a vendor that made buttons for various types of clothes. They had not paid this vendor yet, but my Dads boss was still pressuring him to pressure the vendor to get something done (I don't recall the specifics).
Well, the button vendor had taken enough crap, so he made a a custom run of buttons and sent them back a shirt in which every button had "FU, pay me" custom engraved into it.
Professional etiquette? No, definitely not. Professional f**k you? Most definitely. majorpsyche
We have no plans to pursue the matter now or in the future. We ask that you refrain from further contact with us. penny_can
I like this one, its like a subtle, "Your idea sucks, stop pushing it on us." Reddit
Read my Contract....
I am not contractually obligated to fulfill that request. It is also important to note that doing so would also be a violation of international trade laws. lasteclipse
No Poops to Give!
Once heard a coworker bust out in a monotone voice, "Ma'am, I need you to know that I am not emotionally invested in this conversation. What do you need so we can both go on with our lives?" Really had to stifle my laughter in my cube next to her. Corsmos
Not my Department....
"I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. Please feel free to contact our complaints department."
(To someone who wanted an appointment on a day when there were no appointments available, but insisted that she would come in on that day, at that time) "You're more than welcome to come in on that day, but I'm afraid there will be nobody available to see you. You'll have much better luck if we simply book an appointment for a different day." Musashi10000
Kharma is good F U!Giphy
I work as a contractor to the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration). The best professional F you I've seen was via email. There's this other contractor who is one of those types of know-it-alls that has to tell everyone how they should do things, often unsolicited, and likes to write really wordy, long emails to convince everyone of how smart he is. One day, he sent out an email suggesting some sweeping changes to our rollout schedule for some new ATC equipment, and "took the liberty" of sending his revised schedule to everyone - feds, contractors, upper management, upper upper management, sites, etc.
After several hours of us all privately marveling at the audacity and stupidity of this guy's massive overstep, the fed that is in charge of our entire program reply-all's.
The email started hilariously with "Thank you for your interest in aviation safety. As we discussed, contractors cannot set policy for the agency and do not have the authority to make decisions on behalf of the government." Then it went on for several paragraphs, ending with tips on how he can apply for jobs within the federal agency if he wants to pull stuff like this.
It was a massively embarrassing smackdown for this guy. We were all super happy to see him get his fool knocked in the dirt. It's kind of hard to explain why the first sentence "Thank you for your interest in aviation safety" was so funny without being able to describe the guy that wrote it, but it was meant to be super condescending. I still live the email saved in my inbox. Cheese_Pancakes
Exit the Rear!
Maybe slightly not what OP meant but I worked in the Apple Store, and heard the most amazing non-literal 'F you' from a manager to a customer.
Said customer had come in expecting to get a free replacement on his Ipad that had quite clearly been dropped. After he was informed that it's not covered, he got mad, demanded to speak to the manager. Manager confirms that accidental damage is not covered blah blah, customer's getting more angry, he's shouting, the whole store is watching. Finally he raises the Ipad and smashes it on the tiled floor, and the entitled douche says "FINE THEN, I'LL JUST BUY ANOTHER ONE!"
The manager slowly looked down at the Ipad, back up to the customer, looks him right in the eye and says:
"I'm sorry sir, I'm going to have to refuse you service for acting in a threatening manner. There's a shop down the road that will happily sell you an Ipad." bidluf
Burn it and Run!
When I quit my last job, I wrote a kindly email to all my colleagues thanking them for their guidance and relationship, explaining how I enjoyed my time there. Around 60 people were on the email. I did not put my abusive sociopath manager or enabling coldhearted director on the email. They found out, and I'm sure others noticed.
After nothing more than a cold response to my first quitting email to my group, all the sudden my director wanted to make amends to save face now that I sent the wider email. She asked me why I didn't add her on the email about enjoying working with people and liking my time there. I responded "Because that wouldn't be honest."
Bridges burned there, but man those two ruined my life for a while. MyPenWroteThis
I had the sweetest old lady as a co-worker. She had been in the company for like 20 years. She knew more about our systems than most of our IT staff. One day, a senior manager in the IT department comes in and tries to tell her that her code was wrong. She put her hand on her chest, shook her head, said "Bless your heart darlin'" and turned around in her chair to continue working.
Our boss laughed so hard and calmly explained to the IT manager why the code should probably not be changed. the_planes_walker
B. U. = Before You!
During a meeting a (British) manager made a comment about a TV show from the 1990s.
New employee - who loves to emphasize he is young and others are old - says "That show was on before I was born."
Manager: "You should check it out. Things were good before YOU were born." hadashi
Accept it & Move On....
Attorney: I want these changes made to the document.
My boss: no.
Attorney: you have to make these changes!
My boss: I'm not going to.
Attorney: I insist!
My boss: but it's not going to happen. So here we are. catsasss
Feel My Shade....Giphy
Putting "I hope this helps" at the end of an email where I'm actually being unhelpful. QueFabe
You hear me?
My dad is the finance manager at a car dealership and he once told me: "Bonsai, it's not what you say, but how you say it."
To illustrate his point, he popped his head out of his office, smiled his biggest, happiest smile, and said "Hey... F YOU!" to the 1st employee he saw. The employee turned, saw my dad's face and, sure as heck, smiled back and said "f YOU too!" and kept walking.