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When we're at work we should be on our professional best behavior. We should try to be above reproach. But sometimes there are just people and situations that will test your patience more than Job's! It's in these moments we must find subtle ways of expressing our thoughts. That can take a lot of deep breaths.

Redditor Reddit wanted everyone to discuss some "creative" workplace telling off by asking..... What's the most professional way you've heard/said, "FU," in the work place?


Still good at 30....

Overheard my boss once say "Our policy is...(long pause while he loads up his phrasing, then clearly changes his mind and just says)...no."

Literally thirty years ago and still gives me a chuckle. Ladybeetus

Do the Math.....

During an exit interview...
"Ya, I had a great 3 years here."
"But, you worked here for 5 years..."
idioteques

Watch your language... 

"If that is your understanding of the current agreement, we need go revisit the language so that your expectation levels can be set more appropriately." xmagusx

That's just dripping with f**k you! ApolloDionysus

Line 247....

I used to have a co-worker who was a know it all who could actually back it up. We had a memory leak (for non programmers: a very big issue) and he found it and was making the fix. He said something in the lines of "the leak is in line 247" and our boss goes nuts, spends an hour ranting about how he wrote that code himself and there was no way the leak was there, and how dumb he was to think it was there.

Coworker let's him talk for an hour, then with the best poker face says "that's great but the leak is in line 247." Then demonstrates it in a minute. Reddit

Talk to Wyatt!

Giphy

I do IT help desk, we have a person in IT who is one of those people who just likes to hear herself talk, and can go on for quite awhile. One day i pick up the phone, and someone is asking for her. here's the interaction:

Me: IT this is Wyatt how can i help?

User: Hi, i was working with [person] earlier to try and fix my [some issue i cant remember]

Me: Oh yeah, give me one second i'll see if she's at her desk and i'll transfer you over.

User: Please don't.

Just the tone in their voice as they said that made it clear that they really did not want to spend any more time on the phone with that person. WyattBrisbane

Are we deaf?

I was in a meeting where we were planning out a huge client presentation and one of the guys who was there just went off on a complete diatribe of how he would go about adding some flair. He was known for being a loudmouth, and after about 15 minutes of his plans, the team lead just literally put up his hand and waited for him to stop talking. He sat there for 30 seconds in silence and then moved on. No addressing anything that was just said. gellman

And that's THAT! 

My family works in the textile industry.

Once, my dad worked at a company that had a vendor that made buttons for various types of clothes. They had not paid this vendor yet, but my Dads boss was still pressuring him to pressure the vendor to get something done (I don't recall the specifics).

Well, the button vendor had taken enough crap, so he made a a custom run of buttons and sent them back a shirt in which every button had "FU, pay me" custom engraved into it.

Professional etiquette? No, definitely not. Professional f**k you? Most definitely. majorpsyche

Shhhhh......

We have no plans to pursue the matter now or in the future. We ask that you refrain from further contact with us. penny_can

I like this one, its like a subtle, "Your idea sucks, stop pushing it on us." Reddit

Read my Contract....

I am not contractually obligated to fulfill that request. It is also important to note that doing so would also be a violation of international trade laws. lasteclipse

Mic. Drop.

Giphy

"We don't need two weeks notice, you can leave this morning." SmarterThanAllOfYou

No Poops to Give! 

Once heard a coworker bust out in a monotone voice, "Ma'am, I need you to know that I am not emotionally invested in this conversation. What do you need so we can both go on with our lives?" Really had to stifle my laughter in my cube next to her. Corsmos

Not my Department....

"I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. Please feel free to contact our complaints department."

(To someone who wanted an appointment on a day when there were no appointments available, but insisted that she would come in on that day, at that time) "You're more than welcome to come in on that day, but I'm afraid there will be nobody available to see you. You'll have much better luck if we simply book an appointment for a different day." Musashi10000

Kharma is good F U!

Giphy

I work as a contractor to the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration). The best professional F you I've seen was via email. There's this other contractor who is one of those types of know-it-alls that has to tell everyone how they should do things, often unsolicited, and likes to write really wordy, long emails to convince everyone of how smart he is. One day, he sent out an email suggesting some sweeping changes to our rollout schedule for some new ATC equipment, and "took the liberty" of sending his revised schedule to everyone - feds, contractors, upper management, upper upper management, sites, etc.

After several hours of us all privately marveling at the audacity and stupidity of this guy's massive overstep, the fed that is in charge of our entire program reply-all's.

The email started hilariously with "Thank you for your interest in aviation safety. As we discussed, contractors cannot set policy for the agency and do not have the authority to make decisions on behalf of the government." Then it went on for several paragraphs, ending with tips on how he can apply for jobs within the federal agency if he wants to pull stuff like this.

It was a massively embarrassing smackdown for this guy. We were all super happy to see him get his fool knocked in the dirt. It's kind of hard to explain why the first sentence "Thank you for your interest in aviation safety" was so funny without being able to describe the guy that wrote it, but it was meant to be super condescending. I still live the email saved in my inbox. Cheese_Pancakes

Exit the Rear! 

Maybe slightly not what OP meant but I worked in the Apple Store, and heard the most amazing non-literal 'F you' from a manager to a customer.

Said customer had come in expecting to get a free replacement on his Ipad that had quite clearly been dropped. After he was informed that it's not covered, he got mad, demanded to speak to the manager. Manager confirms that accidental damage is not covered blah blah, customer's getting more angry, he's shouting, the whole store is watching. Finally he raises the Ipad and smashes it on the tiled floor, and the entitled douche says "FINE THEN, I'LL JUST BUY ANOTHER ONE!"

The manager slowly looked down at the Ipad, back up to the customer, looks him right in the eye and says:

"I'm sorry sir, I'm going to have to refuse you service for acting in a threatening manner. There's a shop down the road that will happily sell you an Ipad." bidluf

Burn it and Run! 

When I quit my last job, I wrote a kindly email to all my colleagues thanking them for their guidance and relationship, explaining how I enjoyed my time there. Around 60 people were on the email. I did not put my abusive sociopath manager or enabling coldhearted director on the email. They found out, and I'm sure others noticed.

After nothing more than a cold response to my first quitting email to my group, all the sudden my director wanted to make amends to save face now that I sent the wider email. She asked me why I didn't add her on the email about enjoying working with people and liking my time there. I responded "Because that wouldn't be honest."

Bridges burned there, but man those two ruined my life for a while. MyPenWroteThis

Oh Darlin'.....

I had the sweetest old lady as a co-worker. She had been in the company for like 20 years. She knew more about our systems than most of our IT staff. One day, a senior manager in the IT department comes in and tries to tell her that her code was wrong. She put her hand on her chest, shook her head, said "Bless your heart darlin'" and turned around in her chair to continue working.

Our boss laughed so hard and calmly explained to the IT manager why the code should probably not be changed. the_planes_walker

B. U. = Before You!

During a meeting a (British) manager made a comment about a TV show from the 1990s.

New employee - who loves to emphasize he is young and others are old - says "That show was on before I was born."

Manager: "You should check it out. Things were good before YOU were born." hadashi

Accept it & Move On.... 

Attorney: I want these changes made to the document.

My boss: no.

Attorney: you have to make these changes!

My boss: I'm not going to.

Attorney: I insist!

My boss: but it's not going to happen. So here we are. catsasss

Feel My Shade....

Giphy

Putting "I hope this helps" at the end of an email where I'm actually being unhelpful. QueFabe

You hear me?

My dad is the finance manager at a car dealership and he once told me: "Bonsai, it's not what you say, but how you say it."

To illustrate his point, he popped his head out of his office, smiled his biggest, happiest smile, and said "Hey... F YOU!" to the 1st employee he saw. The employee turned, saw my dad's face and, sure as heck, smiled back and said "f YOU too!" and kept walking.

REDDIT

Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay

Life is hard. It's a miracle to make it through with some semblance of sanity. We are all plagued by grief and trauma. More and more people of all backgrounds are opening up about personal trauma and its origins. Finally! For far too long we've been too silent on this topic. And with so many people unable to afford mental health care, the outcomes can be damaging.

All of our childhoods have ups and downs and memories that can play out like nightmares. We carry that, or it follows us and the first step in recovery is talking about it. So who feels strong enough to speak?

Redditor u/nthn_thms wanted to see who was willing to share about things they'd probably rather forget, by asking:

What's the most traumatizing thing you experienced as a child?
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Image by klimkin from Pixabay

Being single can be fun. In fact, in this time of COVID, being single can save lives. But the heart is a fickle creature.

And being alone can really suck in times of turmoil. None of us are perfect and it feels like that's all anyone is looking for... perfect.

Now that doesn't mean that all of us are making it difficult to partner up. Sure, some people are too picky and mean-spirited, but some of the rest of us are crazy and too much to handle. So one has to be sure.

The truth is, being single is confusing, no matter how much we try to match. So let's try to understand...

Redditor u/Mcxyn wanted to discuss some truths about love and our own issues, by asking:

Why are you single?
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Tiard Schulz/Unsplash

Whether you're an at home parent, a college student just leaving the nest, or a Food Network junkie, there are a few basic tips that everyone should know.

Chef's gave us some of their top tips for amateurs and beginner at home cooks that will really make a difference. They are trained professionals with years of experience in the kitchen, so they definitely know what we're all missing.

If you're looking to improve some of your cooking skills and techniques, but you're still learning how to boil water correctly, this list is for you.

Redditor BigBadWolf44 wanted in on the secrets and asked:

"Chefs of Reddit, what's one rule of cooking amateurs need to know?"

Let's learn from the masters!


What a common mistake!

"A lot of the time when people add salt to a dish because they think it tastes flat, what it really needs is an acid like lemon juice or vinegar."

- Vexvertigo

"Instructions unclear I drugged my dinner party guests and now they're high on acid."

- itsyoboi_human

"Yes! Or tomatoes. They're pretty acidic too and go with so many things. Our dinners are so much better once the garden tomatoes are ripe. Or if a dish is too acidic, oil/butter or a little sugar can help add balance to it."

- darkhorse85

"Like tomato and eggs. Every Chinese mom makes those slightly differently and I haven't had a tomato egg dish I didn't like yet."

- random314

"There's a book called 'Salt Fat Acid Heat' that comes highly recommended to amateur cooks."

- Osolemia

"Reading even just the first chapter about salt made a lot of food I cooked immediately better, because I finally understood salt wasn't just that thing that sat on the dinner table that you applied after the meal was cooked."

- VaultBoy42

"Salt is important for sweets. A batch of cookies without that little hint of salt doesn't taste quite right."

- Osolemia

Unfortunately, this tip might not be accessible to everyone. Many people who contracted COVID can no longer use their sense of smell the way they used to.

"Have a friend that lost his smell from COVID, and now he only recognizes if food is salty, sweet, sour or bitter."

- AlphaLaufert99

"Just wait until he gets his sense of smell back and a ton of foods smell like ammonia or literal garbage now. Yeah, that's fun... It's been 7 months for f*cks sake just let me enjoy peanut butter again!!!!!!!!!"

- MirzaAbdullahKhan

You can't take back what you've already put in.

"You can always add, but you cannot take away."

- El_Duende666

"I find people's problems usually are they're too scared to add rather than they add too much."

- FreeReflection25

"I see you also grew up white in the mid-west."

- Snatch_Pastry

Safety first!

"Not really a cooking tip, but a law of the kitchen: A falling knife has no handle."

- wooddog

"I'm always so proud of my reflexes for not kicking in when I fumble a knife."

"If I drop anything else, my stupid hands are all over themselves trying to catch it (and often failing). But with a knife the hardwired automatic reaction is jump back immediately. Fingers out of the way, feet out of the way, everything out of the way. Good lookin out, cerebellum!"

- sonyka

"Speaking of KICKING in. On first full time cooking job I had a knife spin and fall off the counter. My (stupid) reflex was to put my foot under it like a damn hacky sack to keep it from hitting the ground. Went through the shoe, somehow between my toes, into the sole somehow without cutting me. Lessons learned: (1) let it fall; (2) never set a knife down close to the edge or with the handle sticking out; (3) hacky sack is not nearly as cool as it could be."

- AdjNounNumbers

"Similarly, NEVER put out a grease or oil fire with water. Smother with a lid or dump baking soda in there (do not use flour, as it can combust in the air making things worse)."

- Metallic_Substance

How else will you know it tastes good?

"Taste the food."

- OAKRAIDER64

"Also don't be afraid to poke and prod at it. I feel like people think the process is sacred and you can't shape/flip/feel/touch things while you cook them. The more you are hands on, the more control you have."

"No, this does not include situations where you are trying to sear something. Ever try flipping a chicken thigh early? That's how you rip a chunk out of it and leave it glued to the pan until it's burnt."

- Kryzm

Here's one just for laughs.

"When you grab a pair of tongs, click them a few times to make sure they are tongs."

- Kolshdaddy

"People really overlook this one. You've gotta tong the tongs a minimum of 3 times to make sure they tong, or else it can ruin the whole dish."

- BigTimeBobbyB

If you're looking to get into cooking or to improve you technique, pay attention to these few tips.

Salt generously, add an acid to brighten things up, and don't forget to taste your food!

If all else fails, you can always order take out.

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

Victoria_Borodinova/Pixaba

As part of the learning process, children often do embarrassing things before they learn a little more about the world and all the different implications therein. While the inappropriate moment is usually minor and ends in laugher some instances are truly mortifying.

One such instance involved a little sister who was around 6 at the time. It was the 90s and at the height of the youth-focused PSAs (think the frying egg representing your brain). One type was a safety PSA about stranger danger. The speaker would remind the children that if a stranger tried to take you anywhere to yell “Stop, you're not my mommy/daddy" to raise the alarm.

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