When I was 7, I decided to wander deep into the forest behind our house to look for fairies. I kid you not.
I kept walking, and walking, and walking, and was soon very, very, very, lost. I was scared and crying and didnt know what to do. I called out for daddy or mommy but of course got no answer.
When the sun started going down, I was really scared. I sat down on a stump and I was almost asleep when I heard my fathers voice calling for me. It wasnt long until he found me, being an ex Green Beret and a great tracker.
I learned never to wander off like that, and my father started teaching me tracking, survival, hunting, how to read a map and compass, etc.
I lost about $150 in one poker hand. I thought I had a straight.
When I was 18, I had a job delivering pizza for a well-known franchise. One day, I did a school delivery at lunch time. Theyd ordered about 400 personal pan pizzas to sell to the kids.
The kitchen staff put all the pizzas into 3 large boxes and loaded them into my car. The back seat wasn't big enough, so one box (containing 150 pizzas) was placed in my trunk. The manager informed me of the box in my trunk before I left.
I delivered the pizzas to the school and collected the money, then returned to the restaurant to hand over the cash and get my pay. Just as I was leaving, the manager called out to me from his office and asked if I'd remembered the box of pizzas in the trunk of my car.
I felt stupid. I hollered back, Yep, with the intention of going straight back to the school and dropping off the last box, saving face for being a forgetful dummy. I then heard him say, Yes, he dropped them all off. That's all of them.
Unknown to me, he was currently on the phone to the school. They were telling him that they had been shorted 150 pizzas.
At this point, a normal reaction would have been to fess up and admit my mistake, explaining my plan to return to the school.
He came out of his office and asked me if I was sure I got the box out of the trunk. I said that I had. He repeated himself. Are you completely sure you remembered the box in your trunk? He was trying to give me an opportunity to come clean. Instead, I stuck to my story.
So I stole the pizzas.
He had no choice but to have the staff make 150 more, asking me How could 5 kitchen staff be out by 150 pizzas on an order for 400? I said I had no idea. They made the pizzas and I left with them and dropped them off at the school. I took my pizza bounty to my friends house and we put them in his big chest freezer. We were eating them for months. This is how I became The Pizza Bandit.
I'd already given my 2 weeks notice a week prior to this event. I think the manager decided that it was easier to just drop the matter and forget about it.
Dave, if you're out there, I'm sorry. I didn't think that through.
One day, when I was young, I decided to see how strong I was by swimming as far as I could from the shore. But not along the shoreline: just straight out into open water.
I swam so far away from the shoreline that I couldnt see it anymore. To make matters worse, the current was pulling me further to sea without my knowledge.
After a while, I got bored. But I wasnt tired yet. So, I swam further. I know - stupid.
A few hours later, I was dead tired. I was just floating with the sun in the middle of the sky and I started moaning. I was barely floating and trying not to move. I felt my heart throbbing in my throat. Dang, I thought, where is the shore? The sun was in middle of sky, so I couldnt tell which way to swim.
I was in trouble.
Thanks to my friend Angus, who showed me how to swim without using my legs, using my body like a surfboard, I was able to rest without expending too much effort. Luckily, the wind was just a breeze, so there were no big waves.
Finally, somehow, after being slowly roasted by the sun for a couple of hours, I caught sight of the shoreline.
Thirsty and fighting the current, I was swimming slowly, never sure whether I was making any progress.
Then a yacht showed up out of nowhere. I yelled until I almost lost my voice. Thankfully, they saw me and got me on board. They were nice enough to drop me in the fishing port next to my house.
I tried to pull my broken car down a hill with my working car using only a rope. Now I have two broken cars.
Just before I graduated high school, I was at home one day cleaning my room.
I came across a bunch of old bank statements and sensitive documents that I wanted to destroy, but we didnt have a paper shredder.
I got kind of bored, and thought that it would be fun to try and burn them on the back deck. So I took an empty metal coffee can, stuffed it with crumpled up documents, and threw in a match.
It started to burn, but soon fizzled out. Then I thought that it would be a wonderful idea to try and use some accelerant.
So I got another small metal can, filled it with a little bit of gasoline, poured some of that gasoline into my main can, and threw in another match.
It lit on fire, but once again started to fizzle out.
As it started to fizzle out, I had the brilliant idea to try and pour the remaining gasoline on the burning flame.
As I started to pour the remaining gasoline, the flame immediately shot up the trail of gasoline into the can I was holding in my hand, just like how they show in TV and movies.
I panicked and tossed the flaming can of gasoline onto the grass, lighting part of the lawn on fire.
Meanwhile, the original can on the deck was a massive fire ball at this point. I panicked again, and tried kicking it off of the deck and into the yard with my foot.
Except all this did was knock the can over, and all of the unburned gasoline spilled over the deck and proceeded to ignite, causing a good portion of the deck to go up in flames as well.
I felt just like how Doc Brown looked like he felt in that scene from Back to the Future where his miniature model DeLorean accidentally lights up that pile of trash in his workshop.
I had to make the split-second decision as to whether or not I should try to put out the fire myself, or go grab the fire extinguisher inside the house.
If I committed to using the fire extinguisher, theres not a chance in hell that my parents wouldnt find out, and my dad probably would have skinned me alive.
I opted to try and put it out myself, and by some miracle, I was able to stomp out all of the flames with my flip flop (looking like a fool the entire time) before there was too much permanent scorching on the deck.
The whole thing looked like something straight out of a cartoon.
After all was said and done, I thought to myself, I really didnt think that through, did I?
When I was in high school, I was absolutely fascinated with chemistry - particularly anything that reacted rapidly.I then became fascinated with the concept of explosives. I didnt want to cause damage or hurt anyone. I mostly just wanted to observe the how, why, and what of an explosion.
So I found out how to make a rather potent and volatile mixture (I wont detail it here for safety reasons).
Once I made it, I tested a small amount in the open and it practically exploded before I could even get the match near it.
Hmmm, I thought, why dont I pack as much as I can into a giant coffee can (old metal ones) with flash cotton at the top?
And then, of course, I used some leftover firecracker fuses I sorta twisted together to make a somewhat longer fuse, and wrapped the whole thing in a bit of duct tape.
Yeah. Im lucky Im still alive, honestly.
So I went to this open field behind the high school I went to.
I buried half of the can. My plan was to light the fuse and run as far away as I could to a dirt pile and sort of hide halfway behind it (it was about 30 feet away - not nearly far enough away).
I bent down, lit the fuse, and started running. But, as anyone knows, firecracker fuses are notoriously short-lived beasts. I had at most 5 seconds, but more likely 3 seconds, before it felt as if someone had kicked me in the back, at the same time as this incredibly loud boom went off.
In the next instant, I was lying face down, my ears were ringing, and there was dirt and crap raining down on me. I slowly sat up, looked back at the mini-crater I had created, and realized that I could have killed or maimed myself.
I was dazed for a few minutes. My ears were still ringing when I could hear the faint sound of a siren off in the distance. I got up and took off running.
Luckily, I lived across the street from the high school. So I was home and leaning against our front door in about 1 minute. When I stepped away and turned, I noticed a bit of blood on the door. Not much, but enough for me to realize I had nearly blown myself up.
I went to the bathroom, took my shirt off, preparing for the worst — but all I had was a small scratch under my armpit. My shirt, though, had a hole that went through the back just behind that side seam, and out the front, just ahead of the side seam. So some piece of shrapnel had tore through my shirt and scratched me. That could have embedded itself in my shoulder blade.
So, dont play with explosives, kids.
I was at a performing arts summer camp. Some kids there got the chance to put on a show for the rest of the camp on the last day. That morning, this girl came up to me, saying her friend backed out and wouldn't perform with her.
She asked if I knew the lyrics to My Heart Will Go On, and begged me to sing while she played the music. She looked really upset and I thought I could fake it, so I agreed. I thought it'd be easy.
It turned out I only knew one line of song - which was wrong. So I sang: "Every night in my dreams, I see you, I seeeee you, that is how I know you, go ooon… over and over, while this poor girl sobbed and struggled to play the recorder in front of a hundred or so kids and camp leaders. It was the most cringeworthy experience from my childhood.
I got engaged to somebody I dated for two weeks.
When I was 19.
Whom I met in AIT (Army job training.)
We were then stationed in different places, so we decided to have a long-distance relationship.
In separate countries. Before Skype.
We couldn't wait, so after about 6 months of that, we decided to just get married. So she flew back, we got married, and we applied to be stationed together.
Then I gave up everything I owned except two duffle bags and a backpack, and hitched a ride on a cargo plane.
It was then, and only then, that we both realized that we were thousands of miles from home, married to what might as well be a complete stranger. We knew nearly nothing about each other.
Our 12th anniversary was last Sunday.
When I attended my first speed dating event, I decided to wing it with zero prepared material.
"Really nice day today. Fabulous. Sunshine. Who could ask for anything more? Am I right? Got my hit of Vitamin D today. How 'bout you? Excellent! Alright, alright, alright. Having fun tonight? Yes! Thank you. Its true, these events are AMAZING! Seattle sent its best and finest tonight. And you know, the ladies, they couldnt have been more gracious. It's been an amazing run. One of the most amazing runs ever. The ladies . . . very, very-- really, very nice. All of 'em."
No mutual matches and the comment cards were vicious. One woman called me a 'faker' and another said I was 'vacuous' and just said whatever popped into my head.
I'll preface this by saying I was 14. I stayed over at a friends house and forgot to bring my contac lens solution. My thinking was, saline is kinda salty right? So I put my lenses in a cup mixed with water and salt. The next morning when I put one of them in...
I shot an arrow straight up in the air and lost sight of it. I survived, obviously. It landed about 30 feet away, well-planted in the earth. I wish I could say I was 10 years old, but… I was 22.
Answers edited for clarity.