Punny People Reimagine Pick-up Lines as Break-up Lines
Some of you reading this might be in an awful relationship. It's okay to admit it to yourself. They don't make you happy, they never listen to your wants and needs, and, just recently, their morning breath went from "cute" to "slap me with an old slipper." It's alright, though, because Reddit user, r/u/a1ham, asked a question with answers sure to cure those significant other blues when they asked:
If people used "break-up lines" instead of "pick-up lines", what would some of the best ones be?
May As Well Compliment Yourself On The Way Out
"Your ex is pretty hot" "Which one?" "Me"
Is That My Phone Number In Your Pocket?
I seem to have lost your phone number, can you lose mine?
Pick Up A Souvenir T-Shirt
How about... "dang girl, you college? Cause I've spent a lot of time and money on you and I'm pretty disappointed with the experience so far"
We Have A Tried And Tested Method
"I'm giving you up for lent"
(true Story, actually happened).
You're The Cactus In My Life
Reminds me of that one line that goes something like,
"I need you like a desert needs water; I've adapted to existence without you and prolonged exposure would be disastrous."
Takes A Bit, But It Gets There
We haven't got chemistry.
What we've got is history.
We're over.
Seriously, It Was Last Minute.
"I'm sorry I can't come over tonight, something has come up."
"What is it?"
"...my standards."
Everybody's Working For The Weekend
Hey boy-- are you the work week? Because I am so looking forward to the end of this!
More Job Related Puns
Baby you're the boss, so here's my two weeks notice.
I quit!!!
Let's Call It Training For Something Bigger
Our relationship is like push-ups on your knees. It just isn't working out
You Can't Spell "Break-Up" Without "B, K, U"
Take the "L" out of "lover" and it's "over"
The Jigsaw Of The World
This guy I know broke up with his now ex girlfriend on prom night by saying,
"We're just two awesome puzzle pieces in the universe that don't fit together right now."
Don't use this line...
...it didn't go over well.
Be Sure To Lock The Door
See that dress lying on the floor?
It would look better on you and out the door.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson Called...
It's rare I get to post this twice in a week, but:
"My love for you is like a star in the night sky; it died a long time ago, you just haven't realized it yet "
And the most satisfying joys in life are simpler than you might think.
After coming home from a long and stressful day, there's nothing quite like being greeted by a loved one, a spastic puppy that's been eagerly awaiting your return, or even a glass of wine. Or two.
Curious to hear about the little things that bring smiles, Redditor SlugsLoveBeer asked:
"What are some of the small things in life that make you happy?"
It's the little things we don't think of that can relieve us of life's many burdens.
Free Da Feet
"Taking off my work boots at the end of a shift."
"This. So much. I have about 2 hours left in my shift. Can not wait for that 530 am beer on the back porch with my boots off."
Simple Comforts
"Freshly washed sheets on the bed + just shaved legs + the windows open with a perfect cool summer breeze."
Pets are given when it comes to making us feel all the feels.
Loyal Protector Of The House
"When coming home and your dog sees you from a distance and gradually gets more and more excited as your approach, to finally greet with joyous love and show you what a good boy they've been protecting the house."
A Purrfect Companion
"When a cat sits on me."
"My cat will often sleep in bed next to me and usually gives me spiky back rubs at bedtime.Sometimes though when he's really happy, he'll reach out and hold my hand with his paw."
Cat Talk
"My cat has a specific special meow she only uses when I sneeze. It's super cute and makes me laugh a little every time."
Our positive reactions with people can truly influence our mood.
They Nourish Our Souls
"Having people genuinely care about you. Mutual love and respect is one of the best feelings in the world. I also love food. Food is comforting."
Showing Teeth
"A genuine smile in return of mine."
"Yes. Like, when someone sees you and you can just tell they're really happy to see you, they're not just smiling to be polite."
Love Embrace
"Falling asleep with someone laying in your arms next to you. That calm kinda peaceful feeling of just relaxing. Not the part when your arm falls asleep or when you have to get up to pee though lol"
– mre4you
My joy-inducing thing is a little bizarre, but I trust this is a no judgment space.
I love to sit down to read in my love seat situated in the corner of my living room. But the act of reading itself is not the thing that makes me happy.
It's the smell from the pages after opening a new book that brings me such joy. It lets me know I'm about to be transported and it evokes a childlike sense of wonder that grounds me.
And it is one of the most comforting feeling. A literary aroma.
Also, avocado... it's green, it's slimey and it's gross. Also, why eat anything with a massive pit in the center? You could kill a person with that pit. My list is long, let's add to it...
Texture...
sign language sushi GIF by Sign with RobertGiphy"I wish I liked sushi. It's so aesthetically pleasing and looks enjoyable to eat. But something about it just throws me off. I think it's a texture thing."
Iced...
"Cake with lots of icing."
"I'm from Scandinavia, we have whipped cream instead of icing on our cakes. Cake, whipped cream lots of strawberries is the classic one, lots of people here don't like buttercream icing at all. I can eat it but not too much, it's so horribly sweet."
Yuck!
"Beets taste like juicy dirt."
"When I was a kid I friggin' loved pickled beets, I would wake up in the middle of the night and sneak into the kitchen to eat 'em. As an adult... bleh."
- libra00
The Much Way
"Mushrooms. I get it, so much aroma and flavour comes out when its cooked but i hate it."
- cywinr
"It's absolutely the texture for me. I love the flavor of mushrooms, and will sometimes order a steak with a mushroom sauce, but the fungi themselves get moved aside or onto my partner's plate."
"I also recently tried a side dish made with rice, mushrooms, and I think another vegetable or two, and thoroughly enjoyed it because I couldn't feel the rubbery mushroom on it's own between my teeth."
Roll Away
tootsie roll animation GIF by victorinosuazoGiphy"It's a candy, but Tootsie rolls. It's like a dark chocolate but just a taffy and it's gross in my opinion."
Ok now, sushi is the bomb. And tootsie rolls? Well that person needs some therapy. I mean to each their own, but yummy is yummy and yuck is yuck. Although I do waffle on mushrooms; it all depends. Continue...
Tasteless...
excited shake GIFGiphy"Celery. I hated it as a kid because it tastes like butt, I hate it as an adult because it still tastes like that. I don't see the appeal in it. the ONLY time I will ever willingly eat it is if it's boiled in a soup."
Bad Dressing
"Does ranch count?"
"Eeey, ranch despising Mid-Westerner! I tolerated it until I worked in the restaurant industry... freaking fine dining and people are asking for ranch with their steaks 🤢 or doing dishes and the constant stink of hot ranch water- UUGGHHH."
Nuts
"Coconut."
"When it comes to coconut, I can handle the flesh of coconuts and the taste of coconut milk, water and other coconut flavoured foods and drinks. But the moment you start putting coconut flakes on my food. I'm out, hate it on my food. That's why I don't like lamingtons, Ferrero coconut chocolate, and any food with coconut flakes."
Drink Up
"Not a food, but I'm going to say beer. I find it disgusting. Whenever people find that out they always feel the need to tell me "It's an acquired taste. Give it time". I'm 31 years old. I've tried all different kinds of beers in different settings and paired with different things and it just isn't for me."
"At this point I'm not going to force myself to drink something I find disgusting just to hope that maybe one day I'll like it. I didn't like it the first time I tried it when I was 19 and I still don't like it now 12 years later."
red bad...
Happy Food GIF by Subway SverigeGiphy"Tomato. I can handle sauce as long as there are no chunks."
Why do people hate veggies? We have to give healthy a chance; unless it's avocado... remember, yuck. But long live tomatoes. Truth is, all of our palettes are a mess. Just eat up.
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