Whoever said that "you should never go to bed angry" has clearly never dealt with actual sleep deprivation. The idea of being so committed to your partner that you're not willing to rest til peace is achieved is a cute idea ... but sometimes, sleep is the best thing you can do to quell anger.
Anger combined with sleep deprivation is a perfect recipe for disaster. For people struggling with their mental health, this can be a particularly potent combo. What's said can never be unsaid and saying "sorry" doesn't actually fix the damage.
One Reddit user asked:
What's a common "life pro-tip" that is actually BAD advice?
and honestly... why do we even listen to advice at this point? Holy crap. Sometimes the "experts" are dead wrong.
Go Ahead And Give Up
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"Never give up." Sometimes you should give up. Sometimes you'll try your best and it still won't work out.
My ex has been chasing me for a fckin year.. including leaving notes on my car in the middle of the night and sending me long letters every other week even though I've told him to stop many times. They just go in the trash. It's sad - but I learned one of his friends encouraged him.
"Don't give up if you love her!"
All the rest can't convince him to just stop it.
I like the saying "if you're going to fail, fail quickly".
I think it emphasizes an attitude of learning from mistakes quickly and moving forward rather than blindly flogging a dead horse as is the case in 'never give up'.
My favorite version of this: "It's better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb, than halfway up one you don't."
This quote inspired me to quit my career of 10 years and go back to school. Best decision I ever made.
Still Work
"If you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life."
Many people use this advice thinking they'll be able to easily coast through life and are shocked when they have to face the reality of it being an actual job. When you do something that you love as a career rather than as a hobby, it becomes much more serious and has more responsibilities. Sometimes it can even lead to you hating the thing you used to love.
This isn't to discourage anyone who wants to pursue a career in something they enjoy, like a photographer or a chef. If you want to have a career doing something you enjoy, that's great. But you have to go in knowing that it won't be all sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time. There will be difficulties from time to time and you won't have the same amount of freedom that you used to have when it was just a hobby. As long as you go in knowing that and are willing to adapt and work hard, you'll be fine.
I was able to create my dream job, be successful at it, and it still felt like work. I enjoyed it, and still enjoy it, but I have other interests and hobbies. I enjoy spending time with family, but really the word of advice would be if you have that Sunday night gut check, if you are resenting going to work, or hate Sundays because the weekend is over, you definitely need a new job.
It's okay to work hard, like 80% of it, but even with my dream job, there is still about 20% that I don't enjoy doing, but it comes with it.
The Problem Is You
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"Just be yourself" "you're perfect just the way you are" and "never let anyone change you" are double edged swords preventing many people from growing out of horrid habits or bad personality traits.
If a lot of people are telling you to change your behavior, chances are you're gonna fck up your life if you dont pay attention.
If one person tells you you're wrong, maybe you could actually be right.
If everyone tells you you're wrong, you're wrong.
Looks Matter
"Looks don't matter."
No matter how confident you are with yourself it is inevitable that people will judge you based on your appearance.
Nor is it an excuse not to care for yourself.
"Mom, the only people who'll notice are just shallow."
"Darling, just go brush your hair."
There is plenty to rightfully judge based on looks because it indicates other qualities that may be important to you in a mate/friend. Hygiene, hair, weight, clothes, posture, body language and many others are all things under your control. There is some wiggle room in terms of finance, genetics, etc but for the most part a person has a lot of control over how they look.
Think about what you do judge a person on as well, it is almost always on the aspects they can control. If you think someone looks like a gross slob because of their neck beard, dandruff, and messy hair those are all things that person can change. You didn't look at them and think their nose was too big or their eye color sucked.
Man Up
Man up always rubbed my the wrong way.
Its ok for a baby boy to cry but once they can walk on their own feet? Its shut up your a boy and boys don't cry...
Teaching boys/men no to express emotions leads to anger problems and the inability to properly communicate in a relationship. It's not right and if a boy wants to cry or be mad or anything other than happy let him. It might prevent another domestic violence case or just raise a good man
It's Not An Excuse, It's A Reason
I kind of have "no excuses" drilled into me but...sometimes there are legit reasons why you can't do something.
My parents drilled this into me so when i got extremely stressed and depressed in school, instead of telling teachers
"Hey, I'm not in a great mental state, can i have an extra day"
I just didn't do it and nearly failed half my classes.
The no excuses line really f**ks you up as a kid with a disability. Like, there's a genuine reason why my blind @ss self can't hit a tennis ball but I'm not allowed to make excuses.
I kept hoping that attitude would go away as I got older but honestly once I aged out of IEPs it got worse. Self-advocacy is a nightmare when you're shy and don't "look" disabled. I'm legally blind but I pass as sighted if you don't know me or see me in a brand new place.
I could get adaptations but I had to justify all of them over and over. It just got exhausting and my university's idea of helping was a letter I had to give every prof/ta along with the spiel. It made every class a chore.
Terms And Conditions Apply
"Love unconditionally"
Don't let this phrase allow you to keep people in your life who make you unhappy or treat you poorly.
No Means No
I think it would be have to be not to take no for an answer. You don't win every time.
Agreed, I feel like having someone aggressively refuse a no from me for trivial things alone would be uncomfortable after a while.
- _Dr_K
Yeah, sounds rapey.
My ex-friend told me that he had a crush on me over Snapchat. When I told him I didn't feel the same, he kept pushing me, asking for a secret relationship. When I made it clear I was not the slightest bit interested in that, he suggested we could stay friends, but we could cuddle, hold hands, and give each other cheek and forehead kisses. I, again, told him no, and he continued to push me.
I also got to see a new side of him after he finally realized I wasn't interested in him whatsoever. He started becoming a manipulative jerk, so he's not part of my life now.
The whole thing made me super uncomfortable and I'm glad I told him no. If he was that rude and persistent in that aspect, it worries me how he would have acted in a relationship.
So, yeah, there are times when you should take no for an answer. Don't make people unnecessarily uncomfortable.
At work we recently had to abolish an entire department and we're going to contract out for that position instead. We arranged a guaranteed interview with the contracting company for anyone who wanted one, so that hopefully they'd stay with us, just with a different employer.
One employee, Linda (who is a complete pain, apparently interviewed really terribly. She got a letter saying that she wasn't being offered a position. She immediately sent me (her boss) and my boss about 15 texts telling us we needed to "do something about this." When we were like yeah, there's nothing we can do, she then bombarded the person at the contracting company with emails angrily demanding an in-person meeting to "resolve it" and that she wouldn't take no for an answer.
Newsflash, Linda, that's not how you get a job.
Toxic Positivity
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"Good vibes only/ always be positive/ etc."
While positivity is a great thing, and it's better to try to be optimistic than being pessimistic, blocking out all negativity is just a defense mechanism to keep you from acknowledging and coping with the things that bother you. Don't let negativity bring you down, but also don't be afraid to experience difficult emotions-- it's just a part of life.
Cut Off
Cutting off anyone who is toxic to you. Yes some people deserve to be cut off but pretty much everyone we know is toxic or hurtful to us at some point in our life why not put some effort into fixing the relationship and maybe figuring out the root cause of the issue rather then ruining every relationship as soon as things go slightly rocky?
Frienemies
"keep your friends close and your enemies closer"
don't associate with those you have animosity towards. it really fucks you up if you're around someone or something you don't like for too long and especially if it's consistently.
Self Care
"Focus on school/work/taking care of others/etc now and do life later."
False. You could die tomorrow. Even assuming everything goes as planned, that way of life will suck out all your happiness, passion, and drive long before you have a chance to enjoy the payoff. Its important to allow yourself regular happiness and freedom. If you don't make time for self care now, you will be forced to make time for it later.
Kids
'Have kids, it brings happiness to your life!'
- Having kids is not pure joy at all, it is like having a super hard job that can be really meaningful and satisfying, but is not meant for everyone. It is a cultural taboo talking about the negative side of parenthood, but even researches show that couples tend to feel happier without children.
- A child is not a tool to make you happy. When you genuinely feel that you have enough to share and you have realistacally thought through what having a child means for your life, you might want to go down that road, and make a new - probably happy - human being.
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