People everywhere are strapped for cash. Or they maybe they've mad a mistake and have no interest in jail. Whatever the motive, the result is a bizarre, poorly implemented criminal "scheme," if you can even call it that.
Between all the police officers and victims of ridiculous crimes out there, Reddit is stocked with stories.
You simply would not believe the things people attempt to steal. A moral to take from this list: do not steal something larger than you are.
The perfect crime may happen every now and then. These stories are the furthest thing from that. A perfect crime--if that's even real--requires planning, research, and patience.
These anecdotes describe people with no plan, zero sense of timing, and hardly a second thought about the benefits of research.
Nazamroth asked, "Policemen, what is the ballsiest attempt at a crime you have seen?"
Buff Out Those Scratches
"She broke into our middle school over the holiday with her friend and stole the floor polisher (it's like a riding lawn mower with a polishing bit on the bottom) and rode it around the school while streaming it on Instagram live and posting it on Snapchat"
An Obvious Outcome
"We had a girl come make a report that her car was stolen. She said when she discovered it stolen, she just guessed the car may have made it about 40 miles by then, called a completely random tow shop about 40 minutes away and they happened to have her car recovered. Basically, the story made no sense whatsoever, and it was obvious she was lying."
"We begged her not to file a false police report and informed her of the penalty. She insisted she was telling the truth, so we took the report."
"With about 10 minutes of investigation, we got the real story. We called the tow company. The car was towed in by the state police. We called the state police. Her boyfriend got involved in a road rage incident where he flashed a gun at someone on the highway, got in a pursuit with state police, and crashed her car. He had her permission to be driving the car."
"From jail, he called her, and they discussed her plan to tell us it was stolen (y'all know those calls are recorded, right?)"
"When we arrested her for filing the false report, she kept crying, 'you all told me not to file the report, I want to take it back now.' We tried to stop you!!!"
"I was driving home one day, and decided to duck into a repair shop that was fixing my tractor. This repair shop is less than a mile from my house. I saw a power washer for sale, and told the owner 'those are great, I love mine. That one has a flat tire like mine, and the exhaust burn is the same shape as.....oh sh**.'"
"The owner said to go home and check my yard because he had just bought it an hour ago. I call the cops, go home, and figure out what's missing."
"The guy had also stolen a set of aluminum loading ramps and a stainless sink (idiot thought it had scrap value). The thief had left his phone number with the owner of the shop, trying to sell him my ramps, so the owner called him up and said he had a customer who wanted them."
"The guy drove down there, and the shop owner tackled him right out of his shoes (he was 6'10" and young) and held him until the cops got there. Meanwhile, I was in the front seat of the cop car only half way done filling out my statement and I heard that They got him over the radio."
A Very Poorly Executed Bait and Switch
"I had this client who was riding around one night with her drunk boyfriend that had just gotten out of prison. He got pulled over, cops smelled the booze, and pulled him out to start a DUI investigation."
"She had the bright idea to call a shooting into 911 and gave the address as a few blocks away thinking the cops would have to head over there. One of them did, but the other one stayed."
"Whatever other officers were available all scramble over there and found . . . nothing. Asked a couple of people on the street and everybody says there weren't any gunshots. It was not the kind of neighborhood where shootings of any kind occur, so they decide it's a fake call."
"They pinged the phone and it is coming back to the location where this other officer is conducting field tests. So the other cops head back there and ask my client if she has a phone, which she denies."
"Now she does have a flip phone, which she has chosen to conceal by shoving up her lady business. One of the cops called the number that he got from the 911 operator and it becomes apparent by the (muffled) ring tone that it is in fact on her person, at which point she produces the phone and admits it was her."
"They had her deposit it directly into an evidence bag and charged her with obstruction of justice."
Too Much Beer to be Casual
'My brother got arrested for stealing 20 cases of beer from a convenience store on foot."
"On foot. He. Was. Walking."
"I didn't ask because any explanation would have just made it worse."
"I have witnessed a bulldozer cash machine (ATM) robbery and the f***ing noise it makes, along with the time taken, is almost f***ing impressive given the lengths most criminals go to in order to do a job quietly and quickly."
"Funny thing is, it was on a Sunday so they probably had a few grand in the machines at most, and they left the bulldozer which would have been worth a few hundred grand."
Well, Ya Need the Paddles
"My father was a Chief of Police of a suburb of St Louis. Two guys walked out of a Sears with a 16 foot canoe, and casually tied it to a vehicle,but got caught when they went back in for paddles." -- MrMustache61
"My loser brother stole a boat the night before my college graduation. It died in the middle of the ocean and he was stuck. The police came and he was arrested. Ballsy, I suppose. Mostly stupid." -- 87319496
The Worst Choice of Victim
"I was with a large motorcycle club and we went down to Dallas for a track day. The night before we were all at the hotel in the lobby and one of the guys comes in and goes 'some kid is stealing your stereo!' We all go running out to my truck (I had like six bikes on a flatbed behind it) and we all run up to it."
"We'd left two guys out there to guard the vehicles but this kid someone slipped by. The kid (20?) was inside the truck and just sliding the stereo deck out and hadn't noticed his audience."
"He looks up and there about forty big, angry, scary looking bikers looking at him. He just locked the doors and started crying. He knew what was coming."
"Afterward, the cops came and got what was left of him. Seems pretty ballsy to steal from a motorcycle gang. Then again, meth is a hell of a drug."
"I like to think he learned a life lesson about consequences."
Jumbo Size Crimes
"Not a cop, but a guy I know tried to steal a f***ing combine. Like, a 500k GIANT piece of farming equipment, that drives at top speeds of 20mph. He got it out of the field he stole it from, parked it in his own field, and piled hay bales around it."
"And I think that's as far as his thinking got, because, what the actual f***? But he got caught when a crop duster noticed it, when flying overhead. He got arrested, go figure."
"On a different note, said crop duster ALSO got hugely fined a different year, when he landed his plane on the highway."
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