They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and I guess that's true for major stuff. Like if someone assasinates your lord, leaving you and 46 of your homies as ronin samurai and then dude takes your girl, too then OBVIOUSLY you devote yourself entirely to plotting and exacting your revenge. Don't even get me started on the merciless vengeance that you can expect if you mess with John Wick's dog. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's not to anger Keanu Reeves. He's just out here trying to live his life in peace, so he may seem like an easy target, but he WILL end you without even breaking a sweat. There's no sweat in revenge this cold.
But what about the minor annoyances life has to offer? Do they really deserve cold revenge? What about petty lukewarm revenge? Can it be just as delicious? Short answer: YUP. One Twitter user asked:
What is your most memorable story of petty revenge?
Honestly, these don't need a major introduction. It's a parade of pettiness that made several people cackle wickedly. James, whoever you are and wherever your doughnut fingers may be right now, we hope you're happy with yourself, sir. Yours was perhaps the deepest betrayal.
50. Concrete Pumpkin
I have a friend whose pumpkin\fall display at the end of his driveway would be run over by the neighborhood jerk. It happened every year. Friend decided to put a stop to it.
He withdrew money from his savings account so he would have enough to buy the largest pumpkin he could find, along with several large bags of Quikcrete. filled that puppy up and made a real pretty display.
The jack@ss broke the axle of his sh*tty car when he hit that pumpkin and could not drive away. My friend had his car towed away, too.
My coworker throws out her lunch in the garbage can at my desk instead of her own, because she claims she can't stand the smell of old ketchup that's been sitting out for a couple hours. I've asked her several times to stop, but she will then just wait until I get up to go to the bathroom and do it, and hide my garbage can under my desk so she thinks I won't see it. There's no reason for it. The cafeteria offers lids for the ketchup cups, so she could just put the lid on it and throw it away - but she refuses to get lids and insists on leaving her food garbage to stink up my area.
Now, when she does it, I wait until she goes to the bathroom, take out the little plastic container that she had ketchup in, and put it way in the back of her bottom desk drawer. There's 6 in there now, the oldest is over a month old. So far, she hasn't noticed the smell. Gonna keep doing it and see how long it takes her to notice.
48. Ring The AlarmGiphy
In response to an (admittedly pretty good) practical joke, I hid seven battery powered alarm clocks in the perpetrators room. Set them to go off one by one roughly every 40 minutes between 2 and 6 AM. Last one was hid in the ceiling.
47. Pay The IT Guy
Someone owed me $50 and refused to pay, so being in IT I reduced their Mailbox size so they could only hold around 10 e-mails, removed them from distro groups so they missed important group e-mails, and every day for like 3 months I went to their account and checked the little box "Must change password at next login"(We used an elaborate pw scheme).
46. The Austin Powers 20-Point Turn
There's a new truck in my apartment's parking lot. Whoever owns it always parks it taking up multiple spots, ALWAYS. Weird angles, close to the stairs, all over the place (no assigned parking unfortunately). Months of this.
I drive a much smaller car than that, and I'm petty/passive aggressive, I've been waiting for my chance. A few days ago was my shot.
I got home quite late and there were zero spots open in my lot. Big truck is parked across 2 spaces again, but there's juuust enough room on their driver side for me to sneak in there with my little clown car. I carefully pull in, making sure not to touch anything, no damage, no nothing. My passenger side mirror is half and inch from their driver side door. I giggled to myself all the way back to my apartment and set an alarm and waited.
The following morning I wake up before the alarm to loud door slamming and stomping around. I check out my window and I see the double parking culprit walking around both vehicles, taking pictures, texting someone, taking more pictures, I'm shaking with glee. They then swallow their pride, let out a visual sigh, and climb in the passenger side, clamber over the center console, and Austin Powers 20 point turn their butts out of the spot.
I've never been so proud of myself and my sh!tty, petty, passive aggressive ways.
45. No Labels
My brother did something to his annoy his then-girlfriend. So she took the labels off all his canned food/tins in the cupboards. Are you opening a tin of beans? Or a tin of tomato sauce? Or cat food?
44. Don't Mess With My Dogs
I found out my then boyfriend was cheating on me. And he threw my dog across the room when we were discussing what he had done. I moved out immediately. More for hurting my dog than anything. So as I was moving out I took his entire porn collection and microwaved them one by one. It only takes 3 second each. Took me about an hour to go thru them all.
I put them back in the case, then back where they belonged. Not sure if the microwave was still usable, did not really care. He was also a manager at a restaurant and would bring home tons of food. They had really nice coolers that the food came in so I called the GM and explained I had moved out and that I wanted to return the boxes. He lost his job. Then I was getting collection calls for him, so I gave them the new girls work and personal number so they could find him. He's her problem now.
Don't mess with my dogs.
43. James Has Doughnut FingersGiphy
Back in the late 90s I worked at Best Buy and one Saturday a month we had to come in 3 hours before the store opened (so 7am) for a mandatory all store meeting where we watch the video from corporate, give out employee of the month awards, go over department goals, and the like.
Well, there was a guy in our department James who was a pretty crappy worker and showed up to the meeting an hour late and the manager took him aside and fired him. Apparently the manager didn't watch him on his way out of the store and he went into the break room and stuck his finger in every single doughnut they brought in for our break. So literally the only mild positive of getting up at 6 on Saturday was ruined.
20 years later and I still miss that doughnut.
42. Brake CheckGiphy
My friend in high school was such a drama queen but it worked out hilariously sometimes. He was cut off by a driver who had no brake lights and it pissed him off so badly that he followed until a cop was behind, merged around the guy and then brake checked him so the cop would see that he had no brake lights. The holler he let out when the cop pulled the other guy over is still one of the funniest moments of my life.
When my wife and brother in law were younger, she got the best petty revenge on him for something they don't even remember. My brother in law did something to irritate my wife back when they were in high school.
My wife turned off the TV, wrote "broken" on a piece of paper taped to the TV, shut off the power strip, and flipped the batteries around in the remote. Took my brother in law several days to figure it out.
40. Table For One
Went to a restaurant for brunch. Upon receiving my bill I noticed a $3 charge for table linen. As I was leaving I folded up the tablecloth. The waiter said what are you doing? I said, I paid for it I'm taking it home. And I did.
They couldn't very well argue, could they? Even if they called the police, you have a receipt.
39. Tuppence A Bag
I caught my flatmate telling lies about me to some mutual friends. I made plans to move out the next month. In the meantime, she went out of town for a week, and left her car parked in its usual spot in the parking lot. I threw birdseed on it every morning and evening, so when she came home, the birds wouldn't leave her car alone.
It would be amazing if the birds started considering the car their home and protecting it by dive bombing her. Having birds do your bidding is some real super villain type sh!t.
"I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne, Let my armies be the rocks, and the trees, and the birds in the sky."
My college roommate had a bad habit of leaving her things in piles on our bathroom floor until there was almost no space to walk to the bath or toilet. Not just clothes but change, jewelry, decks of playing cards, knitting needles, books, hairpins, scarves, earbud headphones, keys, etc. One day she left $40 scattered with the mess, so I put the money in one of her lesser-used bathroom drawers.
Originally I put it there to protect it from our third roommate and her friends. When I came home the next day and noticed that she was clearing her mess in an effort to find it, I decided not to tell her where the money was until our bathroom floor was spotless.
Afterwards, I decided it would be too awkward to tell her the truth so I left the money wadded up in her hamper as I'd found it on the floor. She was ecstatic when she found it on laundry day. After that her bathroom piles never got quite as big.
My mom tried to so this with me as a kid. "I've hidden 3 crisp 20s in your room. If you clean up and find them, they're yours. "
Well put them somewhere I can reach woman! First time, one was BEHIND my full bookcase, the 2nd was on a shelf I could not reach but had collectables on it that were bought for me, and 3rd was under my bed... Post. Like my bed was picked up and a small bill was slipped under the leg. I was like 8.
The 2nd time mom tried it, I just tore apart my room. Found 2 out of 3 and made my room 10x worse.
There was no third time.
37. Where's My Money?
My friend did some work for a guy who skipped his bill and never paid him. My friend is so petty he did many things...such as;
Placed fake for sale ads with too good a deal like a nice boat for 1000$ and other numerous ads with the guys number.
Our city is big on garage sales. He posted ads like "moving out sale, everything must go, cheap! Will be held inside the house, just walk in or ring the door bell" then put this guys address on the ad.
He also signed him up for numerous "free gym memberships" and responded to things like car dealership ads with this guys phone number.
He did a lot more, that's just what I can remember. I don't know who I feel more sorry for.
36. Caught Red Handed -- Er, Mouthed
My friend's Sprite kept getting stolen even though she wrote her name all over the can. Finally after the 5th time it happened she got a habanero, cut it open and rubbed it all over the top of the can and left it in the fridge. We found out who the thief was when that afternoon we hear the office drama queen shriek in her cubicle and run to the water cooler. She never stole anything again.
Had someone steal a sandwich out of my lunchbox but leave me a dollar in its place. Thanks, but I am not a vending machine!
The COO of a company I used to work for was asked to resign because it was discovered he regularly entered the storage closet of the on-site (run by a vendor) cafe and helped himself to whatever he felt like.
Edit: Oh! And when confronted, he tried to lie about it. Dude. There are cameras. You're the COO, you know there are cameras.
I've told this one before, but it makes me happy to retell it.
I had a boss 7-8 years ago whom I hated. She was the fakest and most entitled person I had ever met. One day, she decided that she didn't like the smell of microwave popcorn...so she waved her magic office wand and had it banned.
Fast forward a month or so. I was browsing Amazon and found one of those USB sticks that emits a smell when plugged in...the smell of buttered popcorn. I bought it, plugged it into the back of her computer, and she had the sweet smell of PopSecret in her office for six months. She complained almost every day. It's the sweetest revenge I've ever tasted.
34. Game On
Grounded yet again by my Angry Dad for breathing whilst his ballgame was on, I was stuck in my bedroom bored witless. For something to do I flicked the light switches on and off (pre-mobile era folks, we had to make our own fun...). It was then I discovered that this made a loud buzzing static interference on the TV in the lounge. Cue the next 5 years of petty revenge...
Angry Dad never figured out why we had such a bad TV signal at game time, he never connected it with me being sent to my room and flicking the light switch every few minutes, reveling as he yelled futilely at the static dancing across the TV.
33. Want Fries With That?Giphy
When I was in law school I went to a bar with a bunch of law school students and decided I wanted a cig - I went outside and a whole bunch of girls are smoking. I don't like to bum cigarettes, but I had a free small fry coupon from McDonald's. I offered it to the girl if she would give me a cigarette, she said okay. I handed it to her, and then she wouldn't give me a cigarette. She said "You shouldn't be so trusting."
Flash forward a few months, and I'm the head GA for the IT for a division in our university, which includes administration. I went up to replace a computer and saw the same girl - she was waiting in line for a job interview. I went up to the person who was conducting the interviews (I was their IT person too) and told them the story.
She didn't get the job.
32. Tides Turned
We were kids staying at the seaside on holiday with our family. My little sister would always make a pretty sandcastle, and the next day it would have been kicked down and she'd cry. We wanted to find out who was doing it, so one day we stayed behind to spy. We watched as a bunch of jerk older boys came by and kicked her castle down, laughing smugly. So the next night, we covered a big beach rock in sand and decorated it. Like clockwork, the jerk kids came with their smug faces and this time kicked a solid rock with all of their might. The yowl and the look on their faces was the best revenge ever.
31. The Loud Night
In the dorms at my first base, I got a new suitemate (shared bathroom, separate rooms) that worked a different shift and liked to play loud music all night.
I am an --shole, but I always make an effort to be reasonable first. A week after this started, I am coming back to my room and see him unlocking his door and introduce myself as his suitemate. We chat for a bit, and I eventually say that I am cool with music during the night, but would you mind lowering the volume a bit? He just rolls his eyes and walks in his room.
That night was louder than ever, all night.
I am not one to run to authority figures, nah, I get even. And I escalate quickly. And I was not exactly in the greatest of moods right then. My leave had just been approved so I could go visit my dying grandmother, I had the next week off and I was leaving the state.
I took my computer speaker, turned it up about midway, placed it against our shared wall, and set Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper on repeat the entire time I was gone. It ended up being two weeks because I had to attend the funeral.
I came back after and the dorm manager (who I was cool with) told me I was reported for noise violations, but they determined it was not excessively loud. But the speaker being against the wall to his room made the sound pass right through.
Never had an issue with the dude's loud music during the night again.
30. Luck Runs Out
Guy in an El Camino was aggressively tailgating me in the slow lane. On the highway. Traffic was light so he could have passed easily. I'm in a SUV. I see metal debris in the road ahead of me. I know I can clear it and do. He wasn't so lucky. riverrelic
29. Break the Silence
Dated a guy and later found out he had another girlfriend. Messaged the other girlfriend on MySpace (showing my age here) and told her if she wanted to know the truth it would be better to hear it from him, so please call me and I'll call him on three way calling. She did and stayed totally quiet on the call while he tried to set up some sexy time with me for later that week.
Finally I said "I don't think I can do that, ***** might have a problem with it. Wouldn't you, *****?" She finally chimed in with a nope and a f**k you (to him) and he hung up in a panic. Wished her luck. No idea how it turned out for them, but I blocked his sorry butt and still get a chuckle at the moment of pure fear we heard in the silence before he hung up. CheerFairy
28. That's Not Frosty!Giphy
On the first snowfall one year, a coworker balled up a snowball and threw it right in my face in front of the whole office. Everyone laughed and he refused to apologize. So on the next workday it snowed, I gathered a backpack of snowballs and disguised myself as a snowman in front of our work building, waiting for him to arrive. When he did and tried to open the front door I had locked, I burst from my snowman disguise and pelted him repeatedly with snowballs! My fingers and penis were frozen from waiting as a snowman but it was definitely worth it. Laundry-Service
27. No Nice Things...
I used to live with a couple of people who didn't like to do their dishes, the kitchen was always a wreck of just their unwashed dishes for weeks at a time. I just started throwing them out little by little because I figured if there weren't any dishes to use there wouldn't be anything for them to leave dirty. flounderjaw
26. The Slums...
Had a crappy landlord once. Refused to fix windows that were broken before I moved in, basically just a hole owned by a slumlord. Took him to small claims court for a number of reasons, ended up getting my next 6 months paid for at my next apartment. There was a small trap door in the closet floor to access shutoff valves for the plumbing, so before I moved out I got scrap meat from a local butcher ( stuff they can't sell) and placed it in the trap door.
A few months later the place gets condemned due to vermin infestation, gets torn down. This was also before cell phones, so a couple times I got my female friend to call his house when I knew he wasn't home. His wife would answer, my friend would ask for him and act nervous and hang up. gramses_0-0
25. Let him go!
My husband, as a small.child in school, was sick and the teacher wouldn't let him go to the bathroom to throw up, so he went to her desk (where she was sitting) and threw up all over that instead. puppypoet
On my way out the front door, I bent over to pet the dog, and proceeded to throw up all over the door, the dog, my little brother, and the bottom three stairs.
Guess she knew I wasn't faking! DEAD_P1XL
24. It's All about the Legos.....
My boyfriend collects Lego and Mini-figures, and once we got into a silly fight so when he fell asleep I removed the heads from all of his Lego figures and hid them in a box under his bed until he apologized.
This was about 2/3 years ago and he found it hilarious (and still does) and we put them all back on together, I wouldn't do it again since his collection is about 3 times the size. penguinloveaffair
23. Eye 2 Eye...Giphy
One time my dog came in my room and jumped on the bed while I was sleeping, waking me up. I scolded her and told her to get down. She slowly hopped off the bed, turned to look at me , sat down, and WHILE MAINTAINING EYE CONTACT scooted her butt across the floor, leaving a nice little poop mark. Looked away, stood up, left. I miss that little gremlin. cap-n-dukes
22. Kharma served!
I had a childhood bully of mine serve me food at McDonald's. It wasn't like actual revenge, but it was somewhat satisfying seeing a kid who was so cruel to me growing up having to serve me. I don't think he recognized me because I was much skinnier and had a beard now, but I definitely recognized him. -eDgAR-
21. Not MY Pop Tarts!
One of my roommates kept stealing my pop tarts so I ordered a little UV fingerprint powder off Amazon and dusted it over the packaging. Next time a pop tart got stolen I checked all of my roommates door knobs for the powder with a black light and found out who was stealing my breakfast.
Alex you still owe me a box of cinnamon frosted pop tarts you fool. ChildLaborForce69
20. Butt lint?
My brother used to leave butt lint on the toilet seat. Like, there would just be a line of grossness in the spot where your buttcrack is on the toilet seat. I was constantly telling him to wipe it off and he never would. Soooo I started using his toothbrush to clean it up and never told him. It went on for like a year. mrfingerbottom_
19. You! NO YOU!!
This one was truly petty. My dad was driving and we came up on a construction truck driving the other way with a crew in back placing cones in the center of the road as they slowly drove. Just preparing for some construction. Dad slows down and offers some criticism of how they're putting the cones down. I don't even remember what, maybe the cones were a bit far into our lane or something. Construction guy isn't having it, conversation gets a bit heated, dude gives Dad a "f**k you."
"F**k me? No, f**k you."
Dad proceeds to run over cones for an entire mile. Now I would have thought that they would have just gotten a little flattened but the tire was actually throwing them behind the vehicle and frequently a lot to the left or right. Some were thrown completely off the road, all of them were just all over the place.
He was a narcissist. This isn't even remotely the worst or most petty thing he did, it's just one I was there for. Astazha
18. Want to wear Coffee?Giphy
When I worked at a cafe, I had one lady come in every day before work and make nasty comments. She was horrible.
"So are you going to school, or is this pretty much it for you?"
She got decaf on Mondays and Tuesdays, then regular for the rest of the week to get her used to it again before starting over the next week. MadTouretter
17. Porn them Away!
Guys next door to me were playing COD or something super loud at night. I got annoyed and noticed they were on a smart tv that wasn't password protected or anything. I pulled up some gay porn and cast it to their screen. They immediately start freaking out and aren't able to get it off screen.
They finally get up and go to the lobby to play games or whatever.
Lobby also has unsecured smart tv. I can still hear them screaming and carrying on. Cast the same porn to that room too.
They leave the building. AceD3sign3r
16. Hurl and Run....
When I was 8 or 9 a kid pushed me down a hill and ran away. I split my forehead open and was pissed. Later that day I saw him come into the bathroom and go into one of the stalls. So I ran outside and grabbed a huge chunk of ice/snow and ran back into the bathroom and kicked the stall door open and hurled it right into his stupefied face, then also ran away. tweak0
15. Leave the Debris...
It's not really revenge I suppose but my fiancé always has the bed made. Like even if I'm poorly and gone downstairs for juice, come back up and it's made.
So when I'm annoyed with her and leaving the house after I'll make sure to leave the bed unmade and send her a picture. Just so I know it'll annoy her for the rest of the day. SwimnGinger-
14. What Friends are For.
My house was on the left side of a dead end street. There was a house at the very end of the street facing the other way with its drive ways attached to a different street on the other side. My roommate would always park in the front of our house on the street but leave enough room for cars to get past because the land lord of the other house graveled his back yard so he could use our street to get to the house. It had drive ways but they were destroyed and very narrow up a hill, had to be repaired to use them.
He left a note on my roommates car stating she can't park there and he would tow her car if she did. I may of gotten irrationally pissed off by this old man trying to bull a house full of college girls. So I did what any good friend would do.
Called my friend was a civil engineer intern for the city and he got the city to put up guard rails at the end of the street so he could no longer use his back yard as an entrance and had to spend the money to fix is drive ways.
Neighbor 1 and 2 were owned by the same slumlord. They are facing the other street, both with drive ways. The red car is my roommate car and she would try to park far enough over to leave enough room as a courtesy, it was tight because the neighbor had a shed in their backyard limiting the space to get in from the street to the backyard. Serennadi
13. I'm crossing you out!
My mum and her friend had a massive fight, and my mum's friend sent a letter to my mum scolding her and pretty much saying "We're no longer friends" and my mum, as an Ex-Teacher, took out a red pen, corrected all the spelling mistakes and grammatical mistakes, and mailed it right back to her. YourApril27
One time this girl at my University started yelling at me because I parked too close to her. She was in her car literally shouting at me the whole time I adjusted the park. When I fixed it she rolled down her window and I did the same. She said "You idiot! You were gonna hit me!" My response was "If I wanted to hit you, I would have."
Like a week later she got into a car accident after rolling through a stop light and lost her license. Karma's a B! Wild__Gringo
11. A Lampoon Vaca....
Family camping trip near the beach in Assateague with 2 couples and our young children. We had a great time until a huge family reunion took all the camping spots around us. Probably 30 adults and 10+ young kids. No problem, we're all on vacation so sure, stay up, drink, party on- whatever. They were another level of loud, arguing, all night long music, fireworks & general craziness. Worse, they put all their children's tent way the hell over on the other side of our two tents.
Every night, they would send their kids( with the older kids as minders) to their tents and those kids cried, screamed, fought and beat each other. Some ran to us for help and we went to the adult group to let them know. They couldn't have cared less. When we left three days hence, my husband and our friend took all our leftover cookies, crackers and bread and spread it through their campsite early in the morning. They called it land chumming and it was glorious. Like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Antsy38
10. Frat Down!
Not mine but my parents back when they were dating in high school Maui. My father got recruited in a fraternity and they do hazing and crap which is illegal. He couldn't get out of the group as he was threatened. Whenever there's a meeting, my dad would tell my mom and my mom would call the local authorities she would tip their location in exchange, they would let my dad run 😂 it happened several times and they disbanded because of that 🙏 hibiscusity
9. Hello... Crime Stoppers?
An uncle of mine was a serious drug addict and an all around a**hole. When I was a kid it was pretty common for him to steal from my grandparents, including a lot of things they intended to give me when I was older (a coin collection, things like that). There's a long list of things he did over the course of my life to piss me off, but I'll skip to the petty revenge.
I was browsing the local county website and noticed there was a section for active warrants. I wondered if any familiar names were listed so I browsed it and to my complete lack of surprise, I saw my uncle's name listed for something minor. Then I saw the Crime Stoppers number at the top of the page. I knew where he was living at the time and it was anonymous, so what the hell? I called, described him and told them where he was. They gave me a reference number and told me to call back in two weeks.
For the sake of being thorough, I called a relative from the other side of the family who, funny enough, was not only a cop but also in charge of following up on these things. I told him the situation and he said he'd prioritize it.
Two weeks later I call Crime Stoppers for an update and they said the tip did indeed lead to an arrest and asked which post office I preferred. I was confused but I named one. They gave me an alias, told me to give that name to the clerk and there would be a general delivery envelope with $200 cash inside. That part was unexpected but a sweet bonus for sure.
Easiest $200 I ever made. thelivinlegend
7. The Tailgate Avenger!
This was actually the other week. Me and some "friends" drove 5 1/2 hours to another town to watch our university play another. I was going around to hang out with my friends from home, and on the day of the game the ones I came with all ghosted me. They didn't talk to me, left me on read, would decline my calls, etc. So I didn't get my football tickets.
I reported their car for being parked in a Walmart parking lot for over 24 hours and it got towed, so they had to go get their car back while I drove back with another group of students. Insectshelf3
6. Spooned You!
I had a roommate who used a lot of spoons (he ate a lot of pudding, soup, ice cream, yogurt, etc) and would never wash his dishes. I was tired of washing his dishes so I let them pile up in the sink until we got to the last spoon. This one I washed and hid in my room each time I used it. pbfh33
5. Wet your appetite...
Girl told me (not ask) to buy her a drink in college, not against buying a girl a drink but I like to be friends with them or at least offer them first. I said I didn't know her and she starts cursing me out. So I order two shots, I take mine and hand her one and say I felt bad now. Once she reaches out to grab it, I pull it back towards me and take it. The look on her face was amazing. soupoftheday5
4. The Free Spot.
When I rented, the parking lot was assigned parking. My wife and I both had cars so I had to pay extra for the extra spot. First one was complimentary.
We come home around 1am and some idiot is parked in my spot. Not having it, and not wanted to deal with an overnight parking ban on the street, I park behind him perpendicularly to block him in my spot. My neighboring spot was my caretakers, who was the chillest guy I've ever rented from. Shot him a text explaining and to call me if he needed out before me in the morning. He laughed and said all was good.
After about an hour of watching tv I go out for a smoke. Notice this guys car is running. I watch him frantically at 2am looking around for who's car it is. He sees me and starts yelling about it, not knowing it's mine. Says he just wants to go home and doesn't understand why some people gotta be such a**holes. I tell him maybe the owner of the car was mad cuz you were in his spot. Told him some people pay extra monthly for another spot. He gives up and goes back into his buddies unit. I go to inside and go to bed.
Come out in the morning to go out for a bit, guy is sitting on his buddies doorstep. I wave and get in my car and leave. Made that a**hole sit trapped all night till 9am. The look on his face as I entered my car was priceless. SearsActivewear
3. Monster in Law...
My mother in law has a habit of showing up a day earlier than agreed upon. We've had to cancel plans because of her shenanigans.
When our kids were younger one day my husband made plans with MIL and told her repeatedly that he and I were busy the day before. Two days before the agreed visit she messages saying she's excited to see us "tomorrow," hubby reminds her "Saturday, we're busy tomorrow."
Anyway Friday happens. Hubby goes to a work event and is unable to be contacted most of the day. My plans are cancelled due to one of the kids throwing up. Nap time rolls around, I settle the kids down and go to enjoy some quiet internet time when there's a knock at the door. We don't open the lounge blinds a lot because of nosy apartment neighbors, so I was safe from sight. I checked the peephole in case it was the postie, but nah, my mother in law I'm all her annoying glory.
I silently deadbolt the door, sneak to the back door and check the locks. Then I snuggled into my bed with my kids, to keep them calm in case the knocking woke then. I checked the peephole after an hour and saw her sulking on the front step clearly trying to reach hubby in the phone.
Except I had messaged him "your mum is here, I'm ignoring her." So he knew why she was calling and ignored her completely. She finally left just before the kids woke from their nap.
The next day when she arrived she asked what I did the day before and I said "nothing. I was home all day." maybebabyg
2. Shovel It!Giphy
Back when I lived in DC, one winter we had ~2ft of snow in a single storm. All the area near me was street parking. Decide to go to the store to pick up some new groceries and start to shovel out my car. couple minute drive to the store, so I hope to be out and back before I can lose the spot. a couple minutes after I start, a lady in one of those Infinity SUVs pulls up and idles 20 ft down the road from me as I shovel. After 15 mins of her idling and several thousand pounds of snow moved, its obvious she is going to take the spot the second I leave.
I decide after all that hard work, I had better eat and warm up before thinking about going to the store and head inside. Drak_is_Right
1. Gotcha!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I called the bakery I used to work at and asked for my boss/owner who verbally berated me for six months for a super complex cake order. After wasting about 30 minutes of her time, I told her I wanted custom lettering on the cake. I then told her I wanted it to say "I reported you to the IRS for payroll tax fraud :)".
They sold their business about three months ago. thesixwalkingfarts
There are surprisingly a lot of moving parts to a catered cake order. You have to find space in your delivery schedule, you have to calculate the materials cost to engineer the structure of the cake so the tier below isn't crushed in transit or just sitting around. You have to make sure there is a two person team.
I ordered a custom french cake known for its many layers with a heavier chocolate and large macaron on top of it. I ordered custom decorations and specific fruit layers (which can ruin the wafer layers if not done properly). At my former employer, you had to coordinate with the american bakers, french bakers, the cookie decorators, the engineer/chocolatier to make a cake like this. thesixwalkingfarts
Sometimes you only need to experience something once, to know it's a never again situation.
I always say, try everything once.
Well, now that I'm older, a caveat to that is... try it all within reason.
How many things have we all walked away from saying the one time experience will suffice?
In fact, knowing when to say no is one of life's wisest choices.
Redditor Croakied wanted to discuss the times we've all said... "once was enough!" They asked:
"What is one thing that you will NEVER do again?"
Love. Did it. A few times. Moving on.
Stay StillTravel GIF by Grish MajethiyaGiphy
"Jump off a moving train."
"My dad used to jump on a train when he was little to go to school. He broke his nose like twice doing it. He also would not recommend."
"Smoke alcohol. Me and my friends bought something called a 'vaportini' in college where you could pour alcohol into a bulb and after low heat separated the alcohol from the liquid, you could inhale it thru the glass straw you inserted into the bulb. Basically you got drunk directly into your bloodstream/brain and it never hit your stomach."
"If you did too much, your body wouldn’t make you vomit or something, there wouldn’t be a simple self regulation/safety measure. You’d just get alcohol poisoning. Felt very dangerous, the drunk wasn’t a regular drunk feeling. We used it once and were like okay, never again. I’d be surprised if you could still buy it, although it would be incredibly easy to replicate at home."
"Fall in love with a drug addict."
"Good call, don’t do it. The drugs will always come first. Can’t go out unless their 'ok' with how much drugs they have and money left over if any, cant make love unless they have their fix for the night and even still it never feels normal, can’t trust them after the lies to get drugs and the manipulation they put you through, and you can’t change them no matter how much you try and wish they would. It’s heartbreaking."
More me time...
"Give up my life for work. F**k going the extra mile for a place that doesn't value you and pays you crap even though you go the extra mile for them. You have 1 life with only so much precious time to enjoy it and slaving away at some job is not worth it. Do what you can to reduce your workload and find better employment, or hell try to change the working conditions at your current job to improve things for everyone if you can."
"Donate a kidney."
"Well, you could donate the remaining one. You just won’t be around to say anything about it."
This is definitely list I can relate to. No thank you on a lot of this!
I QuitSmoke Smoking GIF by OriginalsGiphy
"Smoke cigarettes, it's been two years since I quit."
"Climb mount Kilimanjaro. Toughest thing I've done and it's not worth it. I'm all about tough treks and camping but to put yourself under tough conditions and suspectable to altitude sickness only to get to the top for 10 minutes for a picture. No thank you."
"I agree, it was memorable. Once was enough for my husband and I. Thankfully we stayed at American style hotel run by the US Navy with a hot tub and bar. Alcohol was definitely needed after all that."
I'm living alone!
"Sign a lease with a stranger without hanging out with them a few times beforehand. My past roommate experiences in college were terrible. Roommates either ignored me, hosted parties til 3 AM on weeknights, made the house the hangout and drug-den for them and their buddies. Meet up once and they'll put on an act for you. If you can, try to see how they act drunk or frustrated."
"Try to hang out with their buddies too so you can see the type of people who could be coming into your future place of residence. As soon as I can afford it, I'm living alone! Now, I investigate a potential roommate's social media and hang out at least twice before signing a lease with them."
"Take back a cheater. Know your worth my brothers and sisters."
"Ughhhhh going back and forth on this one. My boyfriend of 5 years has cheated on me. Several times, actually but says he’s really changed and is ready to settle down and wants me to move in with him. I’m on the fence. So they never change???"
SleeptimeTired Good Night GIF by HBO MaxGiphy
"Take a laxative and sleeping pill at the same time."
Once, twice, three times... I'm out. Bye.
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There is an age old question that has been getting more traction surrounding sex for partners the last decade or so.
And that is... "is just one enough?"
Were we really meant to only be with one person forever?
There are so many flavors to taste.
What if your partner wants more cookie dough with your strawberry?
Redditor Pineapple-Status wanted to hear everyone's thoughts on opening the bedroom to others. They asked:
"What would you do if your long term SO suddenly wants to have sex with other people?"
I say I'd be ok with it, but I'm remembering my last relationship and I feel like I'm not a "put my $ where my mouth is type" on this issue.
ByeJimmy Fallon Reaction GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy FallonGiphy
"Wish her well and spend the next 2 years getting myself back to a place where I am ready to get hurt again."
It's Time to Roll On...
"Personally I would leave them."
"I think they're the ones leaving you. I don't think the relationship changes at that point; I think it ends. If you have a monogamous relationship, they are telling you they want to end that. They might be suggesting starting a new, non-monogamous relationship, but that is a separate thing. The original relationship is over."
"OP, it's no different than anything else they want: you either agree and stay together, disagree but stay together, disagree and break up, or even agree and break up. What you're talking about is called 'ethical non-monogamy.'" The seminal book to read is called The Ethical Sl*t."
"It basically boils down to be whatever you want, just don't lie about it. The tricky thing is that this is something that was not present before, but is present now. So it's a potential fork in your road. If you're against it, it's up to your SO to decide if sex with other people is more important to them than a life with you."
a different story...
"I think it depends too how intently they're interested. If it's a thing they bring up because they're curious but it's not a dealbreaker for them, I'm fine with that even if I don't want to proceed. A solid relationship involves open communication, and it'd make me happy if my partner trusted us and our bond enough to voice that curiosity with me."
"If it's something their heart's absolutely set on, then it's a different story. Either way, it's kind of strange to me how these posts always assume simply asking your partner how they feel about opening the relationship means they're now wholey invested in the poly lifestyle and they'll resent you or cheat if you say no."
OthersSexy Jessica Alba GIFGiphy
"Happy that we have common interest, sad that it's different 'other people."
Sex is always an issue. Remember when it was just fun?
Mineangry youre mine GIF by Team CocoGiphy
"Leave her. I’m far too possessive and jealous to be able to mentally accept polyamory. If she has a desire to be with other people I’m not going to stand in her way but I’m not going to be there when she gets home either."
"Break up. My parents were poly and it's just not for me. I've been honest with every relationship I've been in that I'm not interested in any type of open relationship. If they want to be with someone else that's fine but we'll be over. My husband is aware of this and on board (and has been for over twenty years!). So if he came to me with this yes I would be heartbroken but I'm not willing to budge on this and it would be the end of our relationship."
"Counseling time! We're married. I'm chronically ill (stage 4 breast cancer) and have no libido. We try to make intimacy work, and obviously in that case it wouldn't be working. So. Time for a pro to sort out the marriage, and possibly a sex therapist for me."
"I’ll put myself hypothetically in this position. My partner and I only want each other. We’ve made this abundantly clear to each other. However, if she came to me with desire to open our bedroom and she wanted to sleep with people outside our marriage."
"I would simply express how I vehemently do not an open bedroom and that it would kill any desire I have to want her, be with her, love her, etc. Our couple dynamic has been working well through our ups and downs. Involving some stranger in the ONE thing I find most sacred with my partner is the best way for me to lose any interest or passion for the relationship."
FarewellLove You Goodbye GIF by truTV’s At Home with Amy SedarisGiphy
"Break it off, because they definitely already have someone in mind and you telling them no won't change the fact that they were only one step away from following through with it."
Well it feels like a lot of people still believe in one partner, happily ever after. Good for y'all. But big props to these couples who have open and honest conversations about their wants and needs.
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Many of us sometimes fantasize about what we would do to our worst enemies, especially in the moments when they're actively making our lives worse.
While most of us would never actually do any of the things that we contemplate instead of screaming at that super annoying person at the office, we do get pretty creative with the ideas.
Redditor take_me_there_ asked:
"What WOULD you wish on your worst enemy?"
This One Would Hurt
"A conscience. Let her realize the horrific things she’s done."
"Seriously. Introspection, self awareness, and empathy are traits that would improve a lot of sh*tty people."
"Oh I wish I had thought of this one. If my enemy had a conscience, wow life would be much different."
No Pearly Whites For You
"I’d like all their teeth to turn really yellow and stay yellow no matter what they do."
"What did I ever do to you?"
"I don't even know you! Give me back my enamel!"
Everything You Own Is Orange NowSnl Cheetos GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
"Permanent Cheeto fingers. Just orange cheese dust getting on everything."
"This has to be one of the most evil things I ever heard, yet absolutely hilarious."
"The Midas Touch: Snack Edition"
Ouch, But Forever
"Stubbing and breaking their toe and right as it’s about to be done healing it happens again over and over for the rest of their pitiful time on this hell we call earth."
"More of a Toemetheus imo"
"For them to realize how big of an a-hole they are."
"Same for me. The trouble is mine probably knows what a tremendous a-hole he is, and just doesn't care (it's what defines him, is his outlook more than likely), so, give mine a conscience as well, he undeniably lacks one."
"a crushing moment of self realization is something that can destroy you mentally. I wish that on them."
Bury Them Under A Mountain Of Minor Inconveniences
"Always being hungry two hours after eating no matter how large the meal. Slow internet. Traffic jams no matter the location. Self doubt. Allergies. Favorite shows spoiled."
"Nothing major enough to be life altering but constant, low grade inconveniences that wear on your soul every day."
"Every bite of food they eat/drink they drink being slightly the wrong temperature."
"Coffee? Warm but not hot. Cola? Cool, but not cold. Muffin? Ever so slightly frozen."
"Not enough to ruin their life, but just enough to not quite have full enjoyment of anything.."
They'll Never Be Able To Use Their Computer Again
"Quick scan with McAfee on their computer."
"You f**king monster."
"The constant pop-ups from McAfee is too far."
That's A New Level Of Evil
"Currently dealing with bed bugs, and I can absolutely confirm this is the kind of thing I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is miserable and painful, and I've tried everything to get rid of them at this point."
"I would easily wish this upon my worst enemy, x10."
"Oh hell no, you went there... Hopefully they aren't living in an apartment complex or you've cursed everyone in the building."
Well of course I know him. He’s me.Animated GIFGiphy
"$100,000. I sure could use it."
"'It’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy'"
"Lol I thought this was that deep sh*t like 'pray for those you resent to have all the things you want in life….' Then I realized."
Forever Constipatedthe powerpuff girls bubbles GIFGiphy
"That they can never have a satisfying poop. They always feel like they have to go to the bathroom and when they do nothing comes."
- [User Deleted]
"Wow. That's evil. Always feeling the need to pee would be good (as in horrific) too."
We definitely don't recommend implementing any of these plans (not that most would actually be possible), but here's some new ideas for the next time you're stuck in a meeting with your most annoying coworker and need a little fantastical escape.
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I grew up poor, and I remember the little things that made me smile when we just happened to have enough that week.
The little things that a truly rich person would not think twice about.
Ah, the luxury of it.
What spells luxury for you?
Redditor ConAir161057 wanted to compare notes about the things in life that feel like items only money can buy. They asked:
"For people who grew up with little money, what always felt like a luxury?"
New clothes. I had so many hand me downs and thrift store clothes... new seemed like a dream.
AnxietyNervous Anxiety GIF by blackbearGiphy
"After growing up in a home where every unexpected problem was a financial emergency, my idea of wealthy became 'I just want enough money that if something breaks I don't get anxiety about how to deal with it.'"
"Getting to buy something from the scholastic book fair."
"My school, at the end of it a bunch of books were 'donated' and then spread out on a table in the library. We all got to go pick one book. So even if kids didn’t get to purchase a book, in the end they had a chance to still get a book. It’s actually how I got my first Harry Potter book. Was a cool idea for any school staff or parents active in their kids’ schools."
"Getting new clothes at Christmas from relatives. I don't know if that is exactly a luxury or the kind of answer you are looking for, but we never had a lot of money when I was in middle school. I went an entire year wearing the same pants everyday. The funny thing was my parents didn't even buy them for me."
"I got them for Christmas from my Grandparents. All the kids use to give me so much sh*t for wearing the same pants everyday. I always told them that I had 5 of the same pair which made me feel good inside and kind of made them ease off even though I know they didn't believe me."
"I remember I fell on the school bus one day and the jagged floor cut a hole right in the knee cap and the panic that went over me was just insane. It was one of the worst feelings of my whole life because I knew that I didn't have any other pants to wear and that now all of the kids in my school were going to know that I only had 1 pair. Needless to say I could not wait for the last month of school to end."
"Summer camp, or basically any school trips that had to be paid for. At my school the kids who couldn't afford to go on trips that happened during school hours still had to come to the school, we just sat in a room and did extra work like it was detention."
"I was lucky. If you taught at the day camp your kid could go for free. That was just day camp though not sleepaway camp. My mom found a camp teacher who had no kids of his own and he signed me up as his kid so I could get free day camp. Did that all through elementary school."
Big DealsPizza Pizza Pizza Dancing GIF by Domino’s UK and ROIGiphy
"Going out for pizza was a big deal. Those free mini pizzas for reading books were huge."
Food is always an issue when you're broke.
DamageSummer Ac GIF by MashableGiphy
"Being able to turn on the heat in the cold and pay a professional to fix damaged appliances, plumbing, and other issues."
"When my grandma would come pick me up and spoil me. My parents didn't have much money and were addicts so when my grandma would come get me I would come back with new clothes, video games, toys, etc. I used to think my grandma was rich but she actually just had a stable income."
"I was in this position when I was younger. I always thought my grandma had SO much money… but all she did was go to work everyday. Always made sure I had clothes and all my school supplies. I miss her pretty bad."
"I am from a small island in the Pacific. While I mostly still take cold showers, I have always felt that a hot shower is the finest luxury one can experience. I had my first hot shower when I was 22 years old and I can never forget it."
"This is the kind of luxury I think people take for granted, I always avoided showers in the winter as a kid since most of the time they where cold showers and the temperature here was around 12c° during those times."
"Towels. Honestly, I was almost 10 When I realized people didn’t just put back on their dirty clothes after a shower because my family was so large (12 kids total including myself) and extremely poor. I thought towels were just for hotels or were maybe a prop on television. I went to a friends house and she asked for my help folding her towels. I remember laughing and thinking she must be rich."
"Long story short, I wasn’t sure which way to fold the towels, and begged my mom to buy them after I revealed that my friend, Simone, had them. She bought a box of used ones from a local auction and I walked around with them on my head feeling like a frigging empress after that, even though—-let’s be clear… these were second hand towels!"
Or BK...ronald mcdonald yes GIF by McDonald's CZ/SKGiphy
"Grew up poor and when I was a kid I used to think you were rich if you had a dishwasher and a millionaire if you had one of those refrigerators that have a button for ice. McDonalds was also a luxury, a couple times a year on our birthdays."
Everyone should have access to all of these things. Why is life unfair?
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