I've got four rescue dogs. The old lady has been with me for her whole life and she's about 18 now (I say about because I have one friend who insists she's closer to 20) and in her long life she's learned some amazing skills. She could fetch, pull wagons, could count by barking, etc. Now she mostly just snores, but that's an old lady's prerogative, ya know? The other 3, though... I'm not going to say they have no skills. I'm going to say they're very independent thinkers who use their skills only when they're good and ready.
One Reddit user wanted to know what some people's pets skillsets were... and honestly I kind of feel better about my uselessly adorable crew. At least none of them have ever murdered a bunny in front of the family on Easter.
Congratulations! Your pet has a job interview tomorrow but needs help writing their resume. What are your pets best skill/qualities?
And sure, some of the answers involved a little murder but there were also some more useful skills here like an ability to bring you your mail or handily pooping in the bath tub for easy cleanup! Some replies were edited for clarity.
On Easter one year, my cat killed a bunny and brought it to our back porch where he ate it in front of us, so I'm gonna say holiday party planning.
The Many Talents of Ozzie
Hi, my name's Ozzie, I'm a border collie, and I'd like to explain why I'd be a good candidate for the HR department opening.
- As a non-human, I could provide human resources with a truly neutral, objective third-party approach.
- I rarely poop on the floor.
- I photograph well, for social media appearances.
- I can act as security, alerting personnel to the presence of intruders, including burglars, burgers, mailmen, cats, and any sort of food, which I can then dispose of.
- I can round up all the employees in one place, making them much easier to shear.
Applicant is outstanding at finding warm seats and stealing them as fast as possible.
She can also take up an entire bed, or curl into a ball and fit on just one pillow. Adjustable size dog.
Stick and Sock Removal
Bernie's Stick and Sock Removal
Will remove any unwanted socks or sticks from your possession and gather them in a tidy pile in the storage unit (bed).
Accepts payments in bacon, bum pets, and snuggles.
Households with a vacuum or a baby need not apply.
1. can play fetch
2. Does basic tricks like sit, paw, talk on command and rolls over
3. One time, she boxed a stray cat with her front paws like a pro boxer.
My cat is a perfect applicant for the position 'dog'
My rabbit's name is Hank. Hank is an as$hole, so he will enjoy his job at Comcast customer service.
"Have you tried chewing the cords?" - Hank's tech support suggestion
Hullo I am Allie. I am a good girl.
I am a single mum of 14 and an entrepreneur. I don't know any tricks whatsoever, not even how to shake, but I won a beauty pageant when I was younger which gave me the confidence to start my own business of soliciting pats and treats.
In exchange for you giving me a pat, you get to pat a beautiful dog! It's a great business model and I have been highly successful.
I am also a great teacher, I taught all of my 14 children to swim by dragging them into the lake at only six weeks old. They are all excellent swimmers now, and if I see any other dogs near the water I am sure to drag them in and help to test and strengthen their swimming skills.
Mr. Kitty delivers the mail.
Every day, he drags each incoming piece in his teeth from the letter slot to where I'm sitting. The heavier items get batted to their destination.
If a piece is too heavy, he'll "MROW!" tenaciously until the human fetches it. He's totally efficient and reliable.
Bearded Dragon V. The Bathtub
—Increased likelihood to eat a blueberry from 70% to 90% from Q1 2018 to Q3 2018;
—Consistently ranked top performer in the apartment for pooping in the bathtub;
—7 years experience in bug-hunting techniques including crickets, dubias and hornworms (must furnish bugs);
—Hobbies include looking out the window and climbing the vacuum.
Any Location Except The Bathroom
He can count to 3, fetch things, bring toilet roll to you in any location except the bathroom. He also takes compliments really well and purrs loudly when you whisper to him about how purrfect he is, which can be quite relaxing for the workforce.
Being an emergency responder is a high-stress job.
It's a career with long, laborious hours.
There is always a hint of danger. And death is always around the corner.
So we as a society could try to help these people out and not put ourselves in unnecessary danger.
These workers and the world already has enough trouble without my stupid.
"So... was she impressed?"Idiot Reaction GIFGiphy
Will they show?
God Only KnowsMarried At First Sight Lol GIF by LifetimeGiphy
Wow, people really need to get a grip. Of their minds.
"Sparky"on fire GIFGiphy
Dead in the living room...
Chew SlowlySnl GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
If it's not a true emergency dial 311. Please.
I hated science classes.
As soon as I could I ran.
But it follows me.
Because science can be downright disturbing.
That's why I blocked out so many of the details.
"What's the scariest thing that science has proven real?"
As if knowledge isn't scary enough, let's her more...
Hello Terrypaint surgery GIF by gifnewsGiphy
"Some tumors have teeth, hair and even eyes."
Far Far Away
"How the brain is literally rewired and chemically altered by childhood neglect and abuse."
AwakeBill Murray Im Here GIF by Groundhog DayGiphy
"Prions, horrific and totally unpredictable."
Now I can never UNKNOW about prions. Perfect.
Days gone by...Aging Matt Damon GIFGiphy
"Gamma ray bursts. No warning, no escape, no defense, no survivors."
"Entropy. Time shall consume all things. Inevitable heat death of the universe."
Fade 2 SilentListen Scooby Doo GIF by MashedGiphy
"That hearing is the last sense to leave, when dying."
Well that is the antithesis of comfort. Life is so fun.
Ever since Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope opened on May 25, 1977, a devoted fanbase developed.
And that fanbase has opinions.
Lots and lots of opinions.
Redditor Ebo8000 wanted to know:
"What is your most controversial take on Star Wars?"
"LASERS LOCK DOORS. LASERS OPEN DOORS. LASERS KNOW WHAT YOU WANT THE DOOR TO DO."
"…you shoot the bloody door panel!"
"Why put the door control RIGHT NEXT to the door? Put the door control system in a breaker box."
"Shoot the breaker box, now the whole floor is closed until someone can figure out what happened."
"Almost look like those doors just exist as dramatic elements..."
"Not sure if controversial but they need to take the franchise and yeet it 200 years in the future."
Design Fail? No!
"The Death Stars weren't badly designed they were just badly managed."
"All in all it sounds like a fairly effective defence when you consider the design philosophy."
"The entire universe has a cool factor that outweighs the atrocious storytelling."
"Bro imagine the following movies, but if they were in Star Wars universe."
"Top Gun - But it's you know, Wedge or something"
"Ford versus Ferrari - But it's podracing or swoop racing"
"He was never a character. He was a cool helmet."
"He was a cool jetpack too."
Time for the weather...
"Han is actually older than Obi-Wan due to Time Dilation."
"Time dilation in a universe where every planet and moon has the same gravity and atmosphere?"
"And just 1 biome."
"That way they only need one Weather Channel per planet."
"And over to Klaatu for the Tatooine weather report. Klaatu?"
"It's still sunny."
These are the droids we're looking for.
"Star Wars is actually the life story of C-3PO—think about it."
Fan is short for fanatic.
"Fans ruined the whole franchise."
So, did your controversial Star Wars opinion make the list?
People clarified what actually terrified them most about death
"I don't fear being dead. I fear dying."
"Yeah, that's usually the issue. It's why that quote doesn't mean much, to a lot of people."
Concept Of Loss
People provided an analogy to articulate what ceasing to exist must feel like.
It's About Time
Consciousness Is Life
Like Being Under
"That is very true, but for me, that's the closest amalgamation of what it probably feels like."
When In Deep Sleep
"Yeah in contrast to sleep where you can actually feel like time has passed when you wake up."
Think Line Between Death And Slumber
"As CGPGrey puts it, your bed might very well be a suicide machine."
People opened up about their insecurities around the concept of death.
Fear Of What Comes Next
The Circle Of Death
"But you won’t be able to. You just won’t!"
When Faith Fails You
"what do you mean I'm going to hell?! I was a good person and attended church regularly!"
It was sweet and beautifully done. The 1962 episode was titled, "Nothing in the Dark."
That's how I imagine it to be.
A dashing Prince of Darkness telling me it's time to join him in guiding me to the other side.